The Brain-Body Connection

For some individuals, especially those who exhibit dramatic forms of financial infidelity such as gambling or binge shopping, an important component of changing damaging money behaviors is understanding and correcting the biochemical factors that may be driving or supporting these relationship-destroying habits.

Throughout this book I’ve talked about the chemical reactions we have in our bodies, brains, and nervous systems that affect how we relate to others. When people first fall in love they experience a hormone surge (what most lovers refer to as “chemistry”) that propels them through the euphoric honeymoon stage of their relationship. Later, in the power struggle stage, when conflict enters the relationship, their nervous systems react to a flood of “fight-or-flight” neurotransmitters.

Stress can affect the way you feel about your partner and your romantic life. Positive experiences can trigger feel-good endorphins that encourage you to associate certain events with pleasure. The balance—or imbalance—of your hormones or neurotransmitters has an enormous impact on your behavior and even on your romantic attraction to your partner.

As more sophisticated diagnostic tools are employed to study brain function and response, more information comes to light about the complex interactions of body and brain. Patients with clinical symptoms, that is, those individuals exhibiting observable, diagnosable behaviors, can have their brains analyzed by various imaging systems, including MRI (magnetic resonance imaging), CT (computed tomography), SPECT (single photo emission computed tomography), PET (positron emission tomography), and EBT or BEAM (electron beam tomography). These scans are used by an increasing number of psychiatrists and psychologists to analyze brain disorders, behavior syndromes, addictions, memory impairment, and other cognitive functions. Ongoing evidence from this “brain mapping” research is constantly adding new information to theories of attraction, addiction, depression, impulse control, and other behaviors that may play a role in ongoing infidelity and financial infidelity and other behaviors prevalent in the couples I counsel.

Another area of study contributing to our understanding hormone-driven imbalances is looking at the correlation between sleep deprivation and brain function. Study after study has shown that lack of sleep leads to poor judgment and hinders decision making. Researchers at Duke University found that subjects who placed bets in a gambling task after staying awake for twenty-four hours showed higher brain activity in areas associated with “wishful thinking” as well as reduced emotional response to loss. The need for sleep increases activity in the nucleus accumbens, a region of the brain that signals possibility of reward.

Most Americans are chronically sleep deprived—whether because of anxiety, work responsibilities, or a new baby—and it is no surprise that many find themselves seeking gratification or reward through late-night impulse shopping on eBay or overspending on items from the all-night shopping networks.

The opportunity to participate in risk / reward activities is available around the clock, thanks to computer sites that offer gambling, gaming, or even alternative universes. Online virtual worlds such as Second Life allow people to seek out gratification through projected experiences that create brain arousal and simulate a perceived sense of secure attachment.

Another study, from researchers at the University of California- Berkeley and the Harvard Medical School, published in the October 23, 2007, issue of Current Biology, concludes that sleep deprivation heightened emotional response by causing a rewiring of the brain’s circuitry. In sleep-deprived participants, the amygdala (a brain structure involved in emotional response) “seems to be able to run amok,” causing these subjects to experience uncontrolled emotional swings.

Still other scientists have shed light on the brain-body connection by looking at how food and nutrients may affect our moods and emotions. Dr. Michael Gershon, chairman of the Department of Anatomy and Cell Biology at Columbia University and author of The Second Brain, has spent years studying the role of the enteric nervous system, which manages all aspects of digestion. In his research on this system, which he terms the “second brain” or “little brain” because of its self-contained network of neural circuitry, neurotransmitters, and proteins that operates autonomously from the brain in your head, Dr. Gershon has established a direct relationship between emotional stress and physical distress in the gastrointestinal system. The release of serotonin from the gut (where 95 percent of the body’s serotonin is housed) keeps the brain in the skull informed on what is happening in this “second” brain. When the gut releases too much—or too little—serotonin, people experience both mental and physical reactions.

It is interesting to note that some patients who have curbed their tendencies to overeat by undergoing gastric bypass surgery report developing another addictive behavior, such as binge shopping or alcohol or drug use, in the wake of their surgery.

There is still another association between what goes on in your abdomen and what goes on in your head. In my practice, and in my work with Dr. Jeffrey Morrison of the Morrison Center in New York City, I have found that hypoglycemia, or low blood sugar, contributes to behaviors associated with infidelity. Many people who practice infidelity and financial infidelity behave in the cyclical ways associated with out-of-control blood sugar. When there are large fluctuations in the balance of glucose in our systems, a cascade of biophysical events causes our bodies to produce more adrenal hormones. When suffering from a low blood sugar event, some individuals lack clarity and are unable to make logical decisions. For individuals with compulsive behavior (such as binge shoppers or gamblers) the physiological need to raise their glucose level is misinterpreted as a material need and triggers a cycle of harmful behaviors.

I have also had patients come to me complaining of insomnia. They are able to sleep for only a few hours at a time. Some of them have turned to online shopping or gambling as a way to “self-soothe,” hoping to calm their feelings of restlessness and instability. When tested, many of these individuals have shown a tendency to episodes of low blood sugar. Three or four hours after a meal, their blood sugar will drop precipitously and disturb their sleep patterns. Because they misinterpret their bodies’ signals and because low blood sugar causes a predisposition to poor decision-making, it is easy for them to fall into damaging behavior patterns.

Science has shown that the health of our bodies and our brains depends on the ebb and release of these critical chemical compounds. There is no doubt that chemical imbalances can alter and affect our behavior and relationships and that it is important to maintain their proper equilibrium for both emotional and physical health.

Understanding Neurobiological Reasons for Imbalance

The human brain is a remarkable structure and scientists continue to learn more about it almost daily.

Researchers such as Daniel Siegel, MD, and Allan N. Schore, PhD, have integrated findings from neuroscience, development and attachment theory, and psychoanalysis to explain the influence of secure attachment from birth in promoting the wiring of healthy brain circuits by reducing levels of stress hormones, including cortisol. The reduction of these hormones allows the frontal cortex to develop in ways that promote optimal management of stress responses.

At one time it was thought that the human brain created these crucial neural pathways and connections early in life and then spent a lifetime strengthening those same pathways. However, recent research has shown that the brain’s “plasticity,” or ability to change and create new neuronal connections, continues throughout your life. The attachment skills, miniconnections, and Smart Heart skills and dialogue in this book, as well as talk therapy, all contribute to brain change and growth, helping to creating secureattachments, particularly when money is the stressful trigger.

The brain regulates both physical and social aspects of your behavior via a complex communication system of neurons, cells that use naturally occurring chemicals (neurotransmitters) to communicate information to neighboring cells.

In my work with couples in crisis from various forms of infidelity, I consult with Dr. Jeffrey Morrison of the Morrison Center. Together we have developed a protocol for regulating the biochemistry and behavior of individuals who exhibit addictive and other damaging behaviors. These individuals often show a high correlation between financial infidelity and other cheating or risk-taking behaviors such as affairs.

While the biochemical testing panel and supplement protocol Dr. Morrison administers helps to illuminate and regulate hormonal and neurotransmitter imbalances, it is important to remember that the patients who enter this program are actively seeking a solution and are willing to support their regimen of supplements with my individual and couples counseling. If the individual doesn’t want to change, nothing is going to make a difference in his or her behavior.

To understand how an imbalance in neurotransmitters can affect your behavior, it is helpful to have a simple understanding of the way in which the brain governs body and mind.

There are three main parts of the brain, all housing different structures that influence emotional and physical behaviors. The forebrain (or cerebrum) generally governs problem solving, abstract thinking, and decision making. The midbrain controls reflex actions as well as some voluntary movements. The hindbrain, which consists of the upper part of the spinal cord (or medulla), the brain stem, and the cerebellum, is responsible for cardiac, respiratory, and vasomotor systems.

There are certain areas of the brain that are of particular interest to psychologists and psychiatrists because it is the communication between these structures that influences emotions. When it comes to dealing with extreme behaviors of addiction, infidelity, and impulsive or poor decision-making, it is helpful to understand the areas of the brain that may be involved.

• The frontal lobes control planning, reason, trust, and fantasy, and your ability to construct memories. Because of this, optimal functioning of the frontal lobes is considered to be the key to long-term relationships.

• The orbitofrontal cortex (OFC)—a part of the frontal lobe that has been the subject of much recent research—governs decision-making, especially in response to reward and punishment. The OFC may also play a part in self-inhibition and empathy. A June 2007 study in the Journal of Socio-Economics showed a relationship between prefrontal cortex dysfunction and credit card debt and poor financial management.

• The limbic system is comprised of structures from the forebrain and the midbrain and is buried deep inside the brain. Working together, these structures control emotion, emotional responses, hormonal secretions, mood, motivation, and pain and pleasure sensations. Two important structures in the limbic system are:

• The hippocampus, which is located next to the amygdala and plays a crucial role in emotion. Damage to the hippocampus, which communicates with adrenal and pituitary systems, can reduce your ability to distinguish safe situations from dangerous ones, inducing a state of constant anxiety and leading you to seek out situations (such as affairs or financial infidelity) that make you feel safe but are actually dangerous. Studies have shown that individuals suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) have measurable shrinking of the hippocampus.

• The amygdala, which is in the midbrain and is crucial in decoding and communicating emotion to other responsive areas. It influences arousal, controls autonomic responses associated with fear, regulates emotional responses, and triggers hormonal releases.

• The medulla, or brain stem, functions as the distribution center for serotonin to the brain. When there is a serotonin imbalance, individuals can suffer from chronic depression or bipolar disorder.

• The ventral striatum and the nucleus accumbens help the brain process satisfaction and happiness. These structures are associated with evaluating risk, reward, and gratification. When the nucleus accumbens is unable to process dopamine properly, individuals may turn to addictions such as gambling, alcohol, drugs, or overeating in order to stimulate pleasure responses.

The brain uses neurotransmitters to quickly and smoothly exchange information between its parts and the parts of the body they regulate. Serotonin, dopamine, glutamate, GABA, and acetylcholine are all neurotransmitters.

For individuals prone to addictive behaviors, especially those that I see because of adultery and financial infidelity, correcting existing imbalances in specific neurotransmitters and hormones helps to regulate their behavior and creates an opening for additional therapeutic work to resolve and repair their damaged relationships.

Key Biochemical Markers

When studying the brain chemistry of an individual prone to addiction or the risk-taking behaviors of physical or financial infidelity, certain biochemical markers are evaluated for imbalances.

Hormones

Testosterone: This sex hormone, associated with traditional “male” traits, is present in both genders. High levels of testosterone may contribute to aggression. Individuals with high testosterone are generally direct, decisive, competitive, and ambitious.

In her research on attraction and compatibility, Dr. Helen Fisher has noted that high-testosterone individuals—whom she identifies as “Directors”—have little regard for money and far more interest in how they will manipulate or control the system. These individuals are likely to view money as a tool or a means to a specific end.

Estrogen: Considered the “feminine” sex hormone, high-estrogen individuals generally have strong verbal and “people” skills and are strongly social, with imaginative, well-connected brains.

According to Dr. Fisher, these “Negotiator” individuals prefer long-term financial planning, although they may spend unrealistically when driven by ideals or compassion.

DHEA: Dehydroepiandrosterone is a prohormone related to the production of both testosterone and certain types of estrogen. It is related to stress management and decreases as you age.

Cortisol: This adrenal hormone is released in response to stress. In the short term, elevated levels of cortisol can help accelerate metabolism and manage stress. However, when high cortisol levels are sustained over the long term, individuals may begin to feel tired, depressed, and anxious—in short, “burned out.” According to Dr. Morrison, what many individuals term a “midlife crisis” may in fact be a case of their stress hormones having been elevated for so long that they are no longer able to respond to day-to-day stresses as they were meant to. People typically experience this type of burnout as a result of having no mental downtime in which to give their brain a break from stressful stimulation.

Prolonged stress and overstimulation of the adrenal system can result in an individual who feels “numb” and most times feels out of love with their partner and their self. This decreased ability to perceive physical and emotional pain or pleasure often causes these patients to characterize themselves as “dead” inside. In order to feel “alive” they often seek out self-stimulation and “self-medication” through compulsive behaviors such as overeating or alcohol or drug abuse; sexual infidelity such as affairs or addictions to Internet porn; or financial infidelity such as gambling or binge spending.

In our society of unlimited choice and emphasis on excess, the constant pressure to live above our means in a race to accumulate material possessions can lead to an ongoing state of stress about financial debt. Individuals who have suffered this kind of hormonal “burnout” may react by drastically changing their spending habits.

Oxytocin: What I like to call the “cuddle hormone,” oxytocin is an important component in sexual behavior and attachment in both men and women. It is a natural stress reducer, creating feelings of contentment, calm, and happiness.

Vasopressin: This hormone is produced in the same area of the brain as oxytocin and is associated with addictive behavior, aggression, and risk taking. In men it is associated with territorial response, sexual behavior, and defensive reaction. Men who have high levels of vasopressin, in particular, often indulge in dangerous self-destructive behavior, like adultery or forms of financial infidelity.

Neurotransmitters

Neurotransmitters are chemical messengers that carry messages to our brain and nervous system, informing us how to react to particular situations or stimulation. The neurotransmitters most influential in behaviors such as adultery and financial infidelity are:

Dopamine: This neurotransmitter affects brain processes that control movement, emotional response, and the ability to experience pleasure and pain. When feelings of pleasure or excitement, such as those caused by thrill-seeking activities like binge spending or gambling, cause a flood of dopamine into the system on an ongoing—rather than occasional—basis, the dopamine receptors in the brain increases to take up the additional chemicals. As the number of receptors increases, they become less sensitive to the dopamine and desensitization occurs. This condition, called tolerance, leads an individual to seek greater and greater thrills in order to stimulate the increasing amount of dopamine needed to trigger the feelings of pleasure he or she has come to crave. This lack of appropriate hormonal response can cause these individuals to become depressed; they may complain of feeling as if they have fallen out of love with their partners, or drastically seek to change their situation to cause new stimulation.

Dr. Fisher’s research identifies high-dopamine individuals as “Explorers,” people who are risk taking, novelty seeking, spontaneous, compulsive, curious, creative, and charismatic. They may be spontaneously generous with money, but have an addictive personality that may lead them to take risks or gamble. These individuals may be stimulated by instability and view loss as a challenge.

Serotonin: This neurotransmitter regulates many functions, including appetite, sleep, memory and learning, temperature regulation, mood, cardiovascular function, muscle contraction, and endocrine regulation. Low serotonin levels have been linked to mild and severe depression and symptoms such as anxiety, apathy, fear, feelings of unworthiness, insomnia, and fatigue.

Dr. Fisher identifies high-serotonin individuals as “Builders,” people who may be described as loyal, conscientious, rule following, and detail oriented. Builders are planners and may be frugal with their money and apt to budget effectively.

Histamine: Often associated with allergic responses in the body, levels of this neurotransmitter influence mood, appetite, sleep, and thought. High-histamine individuals may be prone to depression, anorexia, bulimia, binge shopping, gambling, adultery, and high libido. Dr. Morrison’s research has shown that those who are high in dopamine are often high in histamine. People who exhibit low histamine levels may be prone to anxiety, depression, lack of sex drive, and low motivation.

GABA: Gamma-aminobutyric acid is a neurotransmitter that controls mood by influencing areas of the brain associated with anxiety. People with low levels of GABA may feel anxious, and a Yale University School of Medicine study has linked abnormally low levels of GABA with panic disorders.

PEA: Phenylethylamine is sometimes called the “infatuation chemical.” This neurotransmitter, along with dopamine, saturates your nervous system when you are infatuated, causing feelings of ecstasy and stimulation and a lowering of defenses. Imbalances of this neurotransmitter may contribute to binge spending and risk-taking behaviors.

Epinephrine: Also known as adrenaline, epinephrine works with cortisol to control reactions to stress or fear. The fight-or-flight response, which prepares your body to face a perceived danger or threat, is regulated by epinephrine.

Norepinephrine: Also called noradrenaline, this neurotransmitter communicates with the sympathetic nervous system, the part of your nervous system that responds to short-term stress. Along with epinephrine, norepinephrine increases heart rate and blood pressure and tells your body to mobilize in response to challenging situations.

When your nervous system is functioning optimally, your sympathetic nervous system will kick in to power you through stressful situations. Once the stress has passed, the parasympathetic nervous system is stimulated and acts to reverse the reaction. For people who are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or unusually high levels of daily stress, these two nervous systems can shift out of balance for extended amounts of time—with debilitating emotional and physical results.

Any number of physical conditions or emotional stresses can affect your biochemical balance and result in damaging behavioral patterns. If your life is dramatically out of balance, you feel you have fallen “out of love” with your partner, or you feel “numb” or “dead” to emotional or physical stimulationthe problem may be that you are out of sorts with your biochemical self. Your problem may be related to out-of-whack blood sugar, chronic sleep deprivation, the use of medications that can stifle emotions and feelings of romantic love, or an imbalance of specific neurotransmitters, hormones, and biochemical reactions.

Rob and Melinda came to see me because Melinda wanted a divorce and Rob couldn’t understand why. He had not had an affair or hurt her in the marriage in any way. The only reason Melinda could give me was that she was “tired” of her husband. She claimed that she “couldn’t feel anything for him anymore.”

When Melinda came in for a session on her own, she confessed she was worried about her impulsive overspending. She would go shopping almost daily and buy several expensive outfits. If her husband questioned her, or picked a fight, she enjoyed the binges even more. “I thrive on drama!” she would exclaim. If I saw her right after one of her binges, she would rave about her purchases:

“I just bought the most gorgeous shearling coat. It’s perfect!” or “Don’t you adore these earrings? I had to have them!”

I paid particular attention to this behavior.The next time I would see her for a session, I’d ask if she was enjoying her new purchases. Every time I asked, she’d wave her hand dismissively and tell me that she’d never even taken them out of the bags once she arrived home. She admitted that she had a closet full of clothing and accessories, most with tags still attached.

“Once I get them home, I find I’m already tired of them,” she said. “I just don’t care about them.”

It was no surprise to me when Dr. Morrison tested Melinda and informed me that she had very low levels of dopamine. In cases where there is an extreme imbalance of certain neurotransmitters, an individual will often complain of having “no feelings.”

After Dr. Morrison prescribed a regime of supplements to help regulate these levels and we continued our work, Melinda reported that she was able to control her spending. She said she felt like she was “falling in love” with her husband again. “I realize now that I didn’t have any emotion to give; money was how I expressed my feelings.” Melinda said. “But now I realize that even with all the gifts and spending in the world, if there’s not love and connection, the relationship will feel empty.” With her brain chemistry rebalanced, I continued to work with both Melinda and her husband, successfully using behavior modification therapy to show them how to repair and improve their relationship.

People who are highly impulsive, like Melinda, have been shown to be big spenders. A University of Minnesota study showed that impulsive subjects spent up to five times as much as those with higher levels of impulse control. The people I see who are inclined to make these impulsive purchases are equally inclined to impulsively dispose of the items they have bought. I have heard stories from women who, upon hearing their husbands complain about tight finances, particularly around tax time, rush back to department stores with bags full of high-priced clothing items and makeup, which they return in order to reduce their credit card bills.

Financial Infidelity as an Addiction

When I am talking to some of the couples I counsel about their feelings when beginning an affair, they often use descriptions like “sexual chemistry” and “irresistible attraction.” Some even compare their craving for their lover to an addiction. They can’t get enough. They feel high. Their descriptions verge on sounding like passages from a romance novel. And yet, there’s some validity to their clichés. In fact, studies have shown that certain repetitive or addictive behaviors both are caused by and contribute to fluctuations in the mood-stimulating neurotransmitters in our brains.

The neurotransmitters we talk about above—dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, and epinephrine—and hormones such as oxytocin and vasopressin are associated with depression and euphoria. If the levels of these important brain chemicals are imbalanced, an individual is likely to feel depressed, and may behave in ways to stimulate—or simulate—the feelings induced naturally by the release of these neurotransmitters in the brain. Patients I counsel are often seeking to duplicate the euphoric feelings of “falling in love.” They are trying to re-create their feelings with adulterous affairs, out-of-control shopping, or risk-taking behaviors like gambling. The satisfaction they feel from this “quick fix” can set them up for unrealistic expectations for an ongoing state of energy, arousal, and euphoria.

In counseling couples where one individual seems compelled to seek out hurtful affairs or commit financial infidelity, even as they express remorse over the effect their behavior is having on their relationship, I will often explore whether, for them, the thrill of pursuit, conquest, and the fulfillment of their fantasies is actually indicative of an addiction. In these cases, or in those where there is a family history of addictive behavior such as alcoholism or drug abuse, adultery, or gambling, analyzing the levels of the key neurotransmitter associated with depression and addiction can give me insight into their situation. Many patients I see have a constellation of these addictive behaviors. They may drink and gamble and engage in extramarital affairs. They often tell me that they have tried to stop all of these behaviors on their own, but find themselves slipping back into them or even adding new damaging behaviors. I tell these patients that because it is very difficult to exhibit self-control when dealing with addictive-type behaviors, it is important that they do not take on more than one self-control challenge at a time. And in the meantime we can manipulate, even balance their neurotransmitter levels (which are initially determined by heredity) through supplements, medication, biofeedback, or talk therapy.

Just as an individual may turn to an illicit love affair to provide the biochemical feelings of connection and experience the thrill of a new romance, over and over again, so, too, they may turn to risky financial behavior for stimulation. Even if they stop the love affair, they may not have the self-control to stop the risky financial behavior.

The reason is that the behaviors that stimulate these feelings can easily become addictive. For instance, for any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alchohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop— followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again.

Joseph Frascella, director of the Division of Clinical Neuroscience at the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), defines addiction as “repetitive behaviors in the face of negative consequences, the desire to continue something you know is bad for you.” The three most common types of “habits” that can slide into “addictive behavior” that I see in relation to financial infidelity are gambling, binge spending, and hoarding.

Two million adults are thought to be pathological gamblers. Another four to eight million are considered “problem” gamblers. A Stanford University study identifies one in twenty Americans as compulsive shoppers. The individuals that are prone to gambling and binge spending may also seek to take risks in a socially appropriate way by working in a high-stress, thrill-intensive job such as a Wall Street trader, a surgeon, or a courtroom attorney. The buzz from their victories is usually immediately followed by a new stressful situation and a chance to professionally “gamble” so that they can triumph yet again.

Other people may exhibit financial infidelity as a result of transference. In psychological terms, transference refers to the redirection of feelings, fears, or emotions onto a new object or situation.

Gambling

With all the financial infidelity I revealed in my Family Moneygram in step 3 of this book, it probably wouldn’t surprise you to find out that both my mother and my father were gamblers, although in very different ways. My father was a high-stakes poker player; my mother was a fan of Atlantic City slots and bingo.

Although both of them gambled, they did it for different reasons. My mother, who was constantly worried about her weight, would have the urge to gamble whenever she was on a diet. The more she deprived herself of food, the more she sought to stimulate herself with quarter slots or bingo.

For my father, his gambling, just like his extramarital affairs, was linked to thrill-seeking behavior and magical thinking.

While it took a major shock (my mother’s use of the Brush with Death exercise) to jolt my father out of his thrill-seeking ways, my mother would seek outside help to control her impulses to gamble. She would leave for the casinos with a budgeted amount of money. If she ran out and wanted to spend more, she would call my father and ask if it was all right. This was not a new behavior. When I was young, she would take me shopping and continue to purchase things for me until I told her I didn’t need any more and insist that she stop.

This is not uncommon behavior. Studies have shown that trying to take on more than one self-improvement task at a time (losing weight and quitting bingo) actually creates more of an urge to eat or gamble. A recent study from the University of Minnesota links attempts at self-control with increased impulse spending. A group that was told to practice thought suppression spent more money than those whose thoughts had been unconstrained. To minimize the urge to overspend, or gamble, individuals often seek outside help by asking permission to continue with the behavior.

Gambling is a pervasive financial infidelity and one that afflicts the population without regard to age, race, or gender. In fact, women are more likely to become addicted to gambling than men. College students and senior citizens also fall into a high-risk group. With the proliferation of online games, poker nights, and even senior bingo, it is easy for an individual with an addictive personality to fall into the vicious trap of compulsive gambling.

Binge Spending

While everyone has engaged in “retail therapy” from time to time, for some shoppers, the compulsion to buy can lead to financial and relationship ruin. In our materialistic culture, feelings of envy can kick our evolutionary drive to compete into high gear. And for some individuals, “keeping up with the Joneses” can spiral into an addictive behavior of acquiring.

Stan and Laura came to me when Laura told Stan she wanted a divorce after he filed for bankruptcy. While the stress of bankruptcy often triggers a relationship crisis, it soon became apparent that Stan and Laura’s issues were more complex.

Laura revealed that she had been spending forty to fifty thousand dollars a month—charging high-ticket items to credit cards that she had applied for, as well as to credit cards linked to Stan’s business. Because she handled the bookkeeping for the household and the business, she was able to keep her spending a secret from Stan.

“I suspected something was wrong, but I was afraid to confront her,” Stan admitted. “It took her six years to get her to agree to marry me and during that time I learned not to push her or she would shut down and shut me out.”

When Stan was forced to sell his business to cover their crushing debt, Laura vowed to change her spending habits. Just a few months later, Stan found out that Laura had listed their house for sale in order to cover outstandingdebts.With his trust in his wife shattered, and their finances in ruins, Stan filed for bankruptcy, whereupon Laura accused him of hiding assets and threatened divorce.

Laura’s behavior was so extreme that I sent her for a full medical and psychiatricworkup. When the results came back, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Her spending had signaled manic periods and with medication to regulate her behavior, she was able to continue counseling with me to address the emotional issues of abandonment and lack of trust that were intensified by her brain disorder.

Hoarding Money

Compulsive hoarding is often associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and may affect up to two million people in the United States. Compulsive hoarders exhibit three core features: failure to discard objects due to severe anxiety about loss; excessive acquisition, sometimes resulting in uncontrolled buying sprees; and excessive clutter to the point where their homes and workplaces cannot be used. Studies show that 81 percent of hoarders have health problems. In compulsive hoarding, brain abnormalities (some shrinking of, or an unusual shape to, the frontal lobe) can be seen and measured.

While most of my patients who are committing financial infidelity do not exhibit all of the components of compulsive hoarding as it applies to a psychiatric disorder, many do exhibit some of the tendencies related to it. These individuals will sneak and hide money or purchases, keeping their acquisitions a secret from their partners. Many of them admit that they hoard money because of fear of loss, childhood deprivation, or to stave off anxiety about the future. Those who exhibit the most severe money-hoarding behaviors will also describe their behavior as having an addictive component—the thrill of acquiring in secret versus the risk of losing, or having to return, the money.

Mike and Wendy came to see me after Mike threatened to file for a divorce after discovering Wendy had been stealing money from the store he owned and managed. For more than a year, she had been taking cash from the register. “I told her I thought someone had been stealing from the store,” Mike said. “But every time I talked about installing video cameras or using a private investigator, she would talk me out of it. She told me that it was too expensive—a waste of ‘our’ money. She’d convince me that maybe I’d just miscounted the register total.”

After he found a shoebox full of neatly bound piles of bills in the back of Wendy’s closet, Mike was angry and felt he had no reason to trust his wife. “She stole and she lied,” he said. “How can I forgive her?”

“I just felt safer, having the money put away somewhere,” Wendy explained. "At first, I just wanted to have a little extra security, in case somethingwent wrong with the business. After a while, I couldn’t stop taking the money. I would feel excited when I took it and no one noticed, and then I would get worried that I didn’t have enough.”

As I continued to counsel Mike and Wendy, I learned that the two of them often “relaxed” by going to the casinos in a nearby town. Mike didn’t feel he had a problem with gambling; he assured me he would often walk away from the slots or tables after he’d lost his budgeted amount. But Wendy did not have the same level of self-control. She would often gamble until Mike demanded that she stop or physically took away her cash and credit and debit cards.

It soon became clear that Wendy’s financial infidelity was rooted in an addictive pattern of behavior. While she sought additional help for her addictiondisorder, she and Mike were able to continue to work with me to understandthe underlying causes of her “stealing” from the store. They were able to slowly begin the process of rebuilding trust and a loving relationship.

For all my patients exhibiting extreme cases of financial infidelity combined with addictive behaviors, treatment involves medical intervention to balance their biochemical profile, recognizing their addiction for what it is, breaking patterns that trigger their addictive behavior, cutting off their access to the money that fuels their addictive habits, seeking support from their spouses and friends, and an ongoing and intensive course of professional therapy.

Warning Signs of Addiction and Financial Infidelity

“Addiction has a specific definition: you are unable to stop when you want to despite [being] aware of the adverse consequences,” according to Dr. Nora Volkow, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse. “It permeates your life; you spend more and more time satisfying [your craving].”

The danger is when the damaging behaviors associated with financial infidelity start out as habits, but slide into addictions. If you recognize any of the following warning signs in yourself or your partner, you may want to consider whether one of you has an addiction that is causing financial infidelity in your relationship:

• Maxed-out credit cards

• Applying for new credit cards constantly

• Cash missing or unaccounted for

• Hoarding cash, objects, or things

• Secret withdrawals from joint accounts

• Unexplained credit card bills or transfers or charge book to “buy time”

• Unexplained selling of investments (stock, bonds, etc.)

• Refusal to discuss finances

• No sense of spending or debt

• You depend on others to help you control your spending

• Excessive betting on “harmless” things like golf or office pools

• Lack of empathy

• Giving up one thing, but substituting another (transference)

• Constantly overspending your budget

• Uncontrolled spending disguised as “business,” such as purchasing stocks or other investments, even when you are losing substantial amounts of money

QUIZ: ARE YOU AT RISK FOR ADDICTIVE FINANCIAL INFIDELITY?

If you can answer “yes” to three or more of the following questions, you may be predisposed to financial infidelity as an addictive behavior:

1. Do you spend money when you are depressed in order to feel better?

2. Does shopping give you a “rush”?

3. Do you experience high levels of anxiety before making a purchase?

4. Do you have “shopping bulimia”—binge shopping by purchasing things you cannot afford or do not need and returning them after your shopping high wears off or the bills come in?

5. Do you have a history of addiction (adultery, gambling, drug addiction, alcoholism, sex addiction) in your family?

6. Do you find yourself thinking constantly about the next thing you are planning to buy?

7. Do you shop compulsively, purchasing multiples of the same item?

8. Do you hide your shopping sprees from your partner?

9. Have your shopping habits substantially increased your debt (high credit card balances, drawing against home equity loans, etc.)?

10. Do you “charge back” items on your credit cards, denying you have made purchases or returning things you have purchased, as a method of managing your bills and “buying time”?

11. Do you avoid opening credit card statements, or paying your bills, even if you have the money to do so?

Dr. Vokow characterizes addiction as “. . . a medical condition.” I, too, consider adultery and financial infidelity a disease and an epidemic. In fact, I have called my theory the “biochemical craving for connection.” Early loss, stress, and separation can cause a cascade of emotions and trigger the impulse to self-medicate later on in life. If you suspect you have a money-related addiction, you may need professional help and long-term support and may wish to seek individual counseling as well as participate in an addiction recovery program. In addition, supplements, medication, and talk therapy can address the pathology of the disease, and couples therapy with an emphasis on behavior modification may help to heal the wounds the addictive behaviors have caused in your relationship and teach you and your partner how to regain trust and repair intimacy.