“Just A Fool”
When I get home after leaving Daniel’s apartment, there’s no Kate and no dancing.
Instead, I plant myself on the couch with a bottle of tequila and a shot glass. Kate is at her parent’s for dinner. She sent me a text earlier to tell say she was staying the night and would be home in the morning. This leaves me alone in the house, free to wallow in my confusion.
It isn’t supposed to be like this. Not anymore. I’ve kept my emotions and feelings in check for so long, the overwhelming rush of guilt and loss I feel isn’t sitting well. My mind is taking me back to Ohio when I left Beau and never looked back. Why doesn’t it feel as simple as it did back then?
With every shot I slam back, the feelings hit me harder. Instead of numbing the pain, the alcohol intensifies it.
Four years ago, when my plane landed back in Chicago, and I ran into Kate’s welcoming arms in the terminal, I’d been a mess. I was mourning the loss of the baby and a miscarriage I felt I willed to happen, the relationship I’d escaped but felt trapped in, and the man I used to love who became a shadow of his former self.
Now I feel worse than back then, and it’s confusing the hell out of me. Daniel was meant to be a bit of fun. Innocent flirting that led to a few dates, followed by some of the best sexual encounters of my life. But when I wasn’t looking, the bastard snuck past my long-standing defenses and into my heart.
I pour another shot and down it as quick as it’s poured. My body is slowly melting into a nice numb haze. Finally!
Daniel fucking Winters. Even thinking his name stabs at my heart while causing a stomach flutter. How can one man have had such a sudden and profound effect on me? I never promised hearts and flowers. I was straight up that I didn’t do relationships, and definitely didn’t do commitment, but then I did something stupid and admitted that I felt whatever was going on between us.
Because I did, I felt it. In all honestly, I felt it the moment our eyes locked when he handed me back my phone. Then again when he called me his beautiful stranger, and when he called me gorgeous and kissed my forehead. Every damn time.
But he deserves better. Maybe in another time, another place. Maybe when I’m not so determined to stick to my vow and protect my heart, I could try. Too late now.
His reaction ripped me apart. I’m so glad I kept it together until I was in the elevator. If he’d seen me cry, he would have known I was hurting. He would have grabbed my hand and never let go. He would have picked me up and carried me to his bed, and held me close in his arms. His hands would have rubbed my back soothingly, murmuring words in my ear about how gorgeous I was, how I was meant to be his, and how he’d never let anyone hurt me, let alone him.
“I’m in so deep, I’ll take you however I can have you.”
That’s the stuff dreams are made of, but I knew it would mean him sacrificing his happiness just to keep me. I would never want that for him.
“You’re meant to be mine.”
For someone so sure of herself and what she wants, and definitely doesn’t want, I’m a fucking idiot.
Another shot, another refill. My hand trembles with each fresh drink I pour. I don’t know what makes me stop, but when I do, I curl up on the couch and finally succumb to the pain, loss, and everything else I’ve bottled up and held back for so long. When I stumble into my room later that night, I rip off my clothes and put on the first t-shirt I can find, which is one of Daniel’s. Typical.
When my head hits the pillow and I blackout, I do it surrounded by the smell of the man I desperately want but can’t have.
I wake up the next morning with the hangover from hell.
I drag myself out of bed and into the shower, hoping to wash away the stench of too much tequila and not enough sleep. No such luck. After calling in sick to my supervisor, I crawl back into bed. A few hours later, I hear a knock at my door.
“Go away. I’m dead,” I mumble from underneath my pillow.
“You’re not dead, but with the amount of alcohol on your breath, any germs in the place definitely will be.” I snort at that, but groan when even that sound hurts my head. What’s going on, Mac? I walk in to an empty bottle of tequila, a shot glass, and a trail of clothes leading to your door. Did Daniel leave early?” Kate asks, sitting down on the bed beside me.
“Daniel’s no longer a factor.”
“What?” she screeches. I grimace because the sound is like a pack of flying bats slamming against the empty cave inside my head.
I roll over, putting the pillow under my head and looking at my frowning best friend.
“Move over, I’m coming in,” she says as she lays down beside me and gets under the covers. “I’m comfortable now, you can continue,” she adds with a smirk.
“You knew it was coming. Hell, I knew it was coming. He was getting too attached.”
Kate lies there for a minute, staring at me with soft, understanding eyes. The same ones that were there four years ago when I hid in my room for a week. “I knew this would happen. That boy was smitten the moment he met you. I kinda hoped this time would be different, Mac. That maybe you’d let him in…”
“I wanted to, I just couldn’t trust it.”
“Trust what?”
“The butterflies, the racing heart, the way I always feel safe with him. Everything Daniel gives me feels so right, but I just can’t trust it.”
“It or him?”
I sigh. “Either I’d screw it up, or he’d break my heart. So I ended it before either of us got hurt.”
“You know what he wants, Mac. You’re just not ready to give it to him—or anyone—or not even willing to consider it. Something had to give.”
“But he’s my apple pie, Kate,” I say with a pout, banging my feet against the mattress like a petulant child.
“He’s the warm apple pie that wants the whipped cream on top. And unless it’s in the bedroom, you’re not interested in being anyone’s cream right now, whipped or otherwise.”
I snort but it’s so half-hearted, I can’t even think of a dirty comeback right now. Shit, I’ve really done a number on myself, haven’t I?
“You should’ve seen his face. He said that he’s been waiting for me to catch up and that he couldn’t even hate me for doing this.” I swallow down the lump rising in my throat.
“Hon, I think you’ve made a mistake this time. But I’m here. I’ll always be here for you.”
“Maybe I’m broken. Maybe my stupid vow made me push away a good man, Kate,” I say forlornly.
“Are you working today?” she asks, sitting up and leaning against the headboard.
“Nope. My head has a freight train running through it, and I just can’t play ‘nice nurse’ today. Not feeling like this. I feel…. I dunno, lost?”
“Has he called?” She glances over at my phone on my bedside cabinet.
I reach over and grab it. For a moment, I let myself hope. Maybe he won’t let me walk away. I let out a heavy sigh of disappointment when I see no texts, no missed calls. Nothing.
“I didn’t think he would.” Liar.
“Babe, I’m going to fix you some breakfast before I leave for work. I know that bottle was half full, so I’m guessing you need some food. But…” she looks over at me and gives me her best authoritarian look, “I’m only giving you one mental health day to deal with this, Mac. Because if you’re not willing to take a leap with him—even if he might be the best damn thing to happen to you—then I’m not letting you mope around and watch life pass you by like last time.”
That’s all she needs to say. If I was ever in any doubt about how well Kate knows me, she just spelled it all out. One day to decide whether I’m going to swallow my pride and try again, or snap out of it and put it behind me.
After making me a hangover breakfast that would cure world hunger, Kate leaves me to my own devices and takes off to the salon.
I don’t know what I’m feeling, but it’s definitely not the relief I thought I’d feel. A weight should be lifted off my shoulders now that I’ve let Daniel go and given him the chance to go find his own happiness. But, if anything, I feel an emptiness I haven’t felt for a long time, and I don’t like it one fucking bit.
Around lunch time, I hear my phone chime with a new text message. My heart leaps in my chest, and I jump up off the couch to grab it from the kitchen counter.
It sinks when I see that it’s Sean, and not the person I desperately want to hear from.
Sean: You looked like you were having a great time Saturday night.
Mac: I was rather drunk. Sorry I didn’t catch up with you.
Sean: You looked otherwise engaged, loved the floor show. Gave me plenty of ideas ;)
Mac: You in town this week?
Sean: I wish I was. Back next week. We’ll catch up then.
Mac: Yes, sir ;)
Sean: Baby doll, my cock has ideas where you’re concerned, and he’s making those intentions clear in the back of a New York cab right now.
I giggle. Playful Sean is always fun, but I’m glad he’s not in town. It would be way too easy to just jump back into his bed and try to screw Daniel out of my head and my heart.
I can hear Kate’s voice in my head, like she’s here in front of me. ‘No, Mac, that’s not going to help.’ Noah is out of the equation now because I couldn’t—and wouldn’t—do that to Daniel.
This whole situation is a clusterfuck. I’ve come to realize that Daniel is everything I had hoped Beau would one day be. Back when I had an image of a dream life in my head that didn’t involve being emotionally and physically abused and running back to Chicago with my tail between my legs.
It’s stupid to compare the two men, they’re chalk and cheese. If I was the type to settle down, I’d always choose Daniel. Every. Single. Time. It’s from the way he treats me, and the respect he gives me, but also the way he strokes my skin, even his impromptu lunch deliveries and random texts in the middle of the day just to say hi. It’s a whole of lot of little things that together, create a big thing. The best thing. Dammit, what the hell have I done?
Beau was never affectionate unless he was trying to get laid. I don’t think he ever thought about anyone else except for himself, let alone have a chivalrous bone in his body. Even during sex, when he took my v-card, he was greedy and took more than he would give. As the relationship progressed, he seemed to get rougher, sometimes making demands I wasn’t comfortable with.
Looking back, I wonder why I stayed for so long. I was gutless and naïve, a shadow of the woman I am now—the woman i’ve built myself back up to me. I knew that he was out getting drunk and high, and probably hooking up with other girls, but not once did I actually take action to change my life. Not until that fateful night.
Since I’ve been back here, he hasn’t tried to contact me, and for that, I’m grateful. The first six months I was worried he’d turn up and make things difficult. For all he knows, I could’ve given birth to his son or daughter.
Chalk and cheese.
Water and wine.
Apples and oranges.
Imagine if I had met Daniel in high school. I would have had an instant crush on him with those brooding eyes and the hot geek glasses that he pulls off so well. He would have been hooking up with girls left and right. Maybe I wouldn’t have even had a chance.
The thought of him going on and finding someone else—a future wife, his soul mate, a woman who could fall in love with him openly and give him the type of relationship he wants—it rips me apart.
And the more I think about it, the more I wish I could be the one to give him everything; the house, kids, white picket fence, all of it.
I think I know what I want. So why does it scare the shit out of me?
By the time Kate gets home from work, I’m firmly ensconced on the couch, surrounded by empty junk food packaging and halfway through a tub of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.
“Productive day?” she scoffs as she pulls a bottle of wine from the fridge.
“You said I had one day,” I mumble around a mouthful of ice cream.
“That’s right, so any word from the man of the hour?”
“I hurt him, Kate. You weren’t there. I shattered him,” I say, gladly accepting the glass of wine she hands me.
“So what are you going to do? Because I know you can’t lie for shit, and it’s written all over your face that this is not just another friendly, everyday break-up.”
“It’s just gonna take time. Soon he’ll move on and forget all about me. I’ll soldier on and concentrate on work or something. And I’ve still got Sean and Zander,” I reply half-heartedly.
“I call bullshit. You can’t go back to what you had before. Hasn’t your time with Daniel shown you anything? You loved it. You shined, babe. That man showed what a great relationship can do, for you. You laughed, you smiled, and he had you screaming the roof down regularly.”
And with that, the dam breaks. “Oh, Kate, I’ve really fucked this up, haven’t I?”
“Mmm hmm. But don’t worry. You’ll get through this. You always do,” she adds, topping up my wineglass. “Here’s to learning from life’s mistakes and fixing fuck ups.”