“Ready To Love Again”
Stumbling into the foyer of Daniel’s building, I focus on walking in a straight line, and laying my eyes on the man of the hour. The doorman tries to help me, but I shoo him away. By the crinkled lines around his eyes, he’s trying not to laugh at me.
“Do you need an escort?” he muses.
“I have a perfectly capable man upstairs, so no, I do not need any escort services,” I slur as I push the elevator call button.
Once I’m inside and the doors are closed, the panic kicks in. What if Daniel has company? What if he’s not even home? Maybe I should have sent a text first… Maybe I should text him now.
I pull my phone out and see the text Zander sent me about my ass earlier tonight. I delete it and bring up a new message, selecting Daniel’s name, which is now listed as “DO NOT CALL HIM EVEN WHEN DRUNK” in my phone.
Mac: Are you home tonight?
Great conversation starter there, Mac. Well done. Not waiting for a reply, I type another message.
Mac: I wanna see your superhero tricks.
Mac: I may be a bit drunk.
Mac: Your doorman is weird.
Mac: Is Nasty Nikki there too? Making you feel better? Tell her to keep her skanky hands off you.
The elevator doors open up on Daniel’s floor, and I stumble out, quickly finding his door and knocking quietly, giggling like it’s the funniest thing ever.
When the door opens, I lose the ability to talk. He’s holding his phone in his hand, looking more confused than ever. Where usually there’s a warm smile by way of a greeting, tonight his brow is furrowed and he’s wearing a pained expression.
“You’re drunk texting me?” he asks, his face remaining stoic as we stand in his doorway.
Suddenly I’m feeling embarrassed and start to reconsider how wise it was to just turn up, unannounced and drunk.
“I got in a cab and they asked me where I wanted to go, and this was where I wanted to be.” I shrug. “But I swear your doorman is a bit weird. He asked me if I wanted an escort,” I look around and lean forward to whisper to him, “but I said I didn’t need any escort services because I have you… well, I did. I don’t know, do I?”
His body stays rigid, as if he’s holding himself tight to control himself. “Why are you here Mac? Considering the last thing you said to me was that you couldn’t do this anymore.”
“I miss you. All week I’ve wanted to see you,” I say with a sigh, bracing myself against the doorway as the world spins.
“Come inside. I’ll drive you home,” he says, gesturing me inside as his irritation becomes more and more clear.
I follow him in and then stop, spinning around on my heels a little too fast, which makes me stumble and throw out my arm to brace myself against the nearest wall.
“I don’t want to go home, Daniel. That’s why I came to see you. I missed your face.” I walk up to him and kiss him on the lips, quick and hard, swaying a bit as I pull away. He puts his hands on my arms to steady me.
“Mac,” he growls but there’s an edge of pain there too.
“DD,” I sigh, melting into his touch. I look around his apartment. “She’s not here, is she?”
“Who?” he answers gruffly.
“Nasty Nikki.”
“Mac, she’s not nasty,” he says with an exasperated sigh. “And no, she’s not here. Why would she be?”
“Cause you had coffee with her and she touched you. She is nasty. She makes glary eyes at me when you’re not looking, and she touches you when she’s not allowed.”
Checking that I’m steady, he removes his hands and walks over to the kitchen, grabbing a clean glass from the cupboard and filling it with water. When he comes back, he directs me to the couch, gently pushing my shoulders until I’m sitting down. He hands me the water. “Drink this and I’ll go get you some Tylenol. I think you’re going to need it. Then I’ll get changed and take you home.”
I’m dumbfounded. I may be drunk as a skunk, but I didn’t expect him to be so…cold.
I watch him walk down the hallway towards his bedroom, returning a few minutes later with his Chicago Bears’ hoodie on with jeans and sneakers. He hands me two painkillers. “Take these.” I grab them and swallow them both down with one gulp of water.
When he sits down on the coffee table in front of me, his knees brush against mine and I stretch my legs out, craving his touch.
“Not that I have to explain myself, but I just ran into Nikki today. It wasn’t planned, and it definitely wasn’t anything more than coffee with an old friend.”
“But she was touching you. I don’t want anyone to touch you except me,” I say matter-of-factly. I know I’m messing this up, but his entire demeanor has put my whole sexting, booty call plan up the shit.
Leaning in, he places his palms on my knees, sending delicious shivers right through me.
“You said you couldn’t do this, Mac,” he says quietly.
“I didn’t think I could.”
“Well, I think I need to get you home and maybe we can talk again when you’re not drunk.” He stands and holds his hand out to me. “I’ll drive, and I can come and see you tomorrow.” His clenched jaw shows how torn he is.
“I don’t want to go home,” I whisper. “I want to stay with you.” I meet his gaze as tears well in my eyes.
“Shit. Mac, you need to stop this,” he says, dropping down onto the couch beside me. “I don’t want you to regret this, and I sure as hell shouldn’t be putting myself through this again.”
“My only regret is walking out on you last Sunday.”
He looks at me in disbelief, but I can still see the anger and hurt simmering beneath the surface. “I can’t deal with this right now. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
I shake my head from side to side and slide my arm over his leg. “I wanna talk now.”
“You couldn’t tell me what was wrong last week. Let’s just leave it until you’re at least sober. God! I must be a glutton for punishment.”
“No!” I shout, shocking him, his eyes jumping wide at my outburst.
“Mac, I won’t hesitate to throw you over my shoulder and carry you out of here,” he growls. Damn, mad Daniel is hot!
“Do it. I don’t care. I want to explain. I need to.” I turn and cup his jaw, his skin searing my palm. His body jolts at my touch and he goes completely still.
His resigned sigh is my first sign I might be making some headway. “Okay. Say what you want to say, but then I’m taking you home.” He crosses his arms over his chest, shutting himself off again. It’s then I know it’s now or never.
“I missed you,” I say, looking at him.
“I’ve missed you too,” he says, the hard edge in his eyes softening slightly.
I lick my lips, my mouth going dry as my nerves suddenly get the best of me. You can do this, Mac. “So I need to say some stuff, and although it’s not easy for me to share, I want you to know. I need you to understand why I am the way I am.”
He watches me expectantly, and my lips curve into a sly smile as my eyes take him in. “God, you’re beautiful. I almost forgot how much I love just looking at you.”
He shakes his head, ruefully. “I’m nothing next to you, gorgeous.” I instantly feel warm, and my nervousness disappears. I feel at ease now; enough to talk freely. Maybe this won’t be as hard as I imagined. I take a deep breath to clear my head, stuck on how to start the story of how Beau Gregory ruined me.
“I’m sorry.” I say the two words that have been on the tip of my tongue since I last saw him.
“I’m starting to get that, gorgeous, what with you turning up on my doorstep drunk and wanting to talk.”
“But it’s more than that. I never really gave you a chance.”
“Not really.” He leans forward and covers my hand, giving it a gentle encouraging squeeze, urging me to go on.
“It was self-preservation,” I say, being as honest as I’ve ever been. “My feelings for you were so strong, so intense... I couldn’t deal with them, because the last time I fell hard and fast, it broke me.” He runs his thumb across my knuckles as he waits for me to continue. “When I was twenty, I moved to Ohio with my high school boyfriend.” I can already feel the weight lifting off my shoulders as the words leave my mouth. “He’d lost his job and couldn’t find work, so when his uncle called and offered him a job in Dalton, he took it and wanted me to go with him. He said he couldn’t live without me and that it would be a fresh start. So I dropped out of nursing school and went with him, against everyone’s wishes.”
“Kate wasn’t a fan?” he asks.
I shake my head. “Not at all. Beau had changed a lot before we left, and everyone else could see it, but I still saw the man I’d fallen in love with.”
I see the hardening of Daniel’s face as soon as I say that. Definitely not something he wants to hear. I power on, knowing I have to get it all out.
“A few months after we’d arrived, I realized that the nice, easy-going guy I’d fallen in love with, was long gone, and I was living with an arrogant, self-serving, controlling asshole instead. He controlled everything I did, who I saw, how I dressed, everything,” I continue, pausing briefly to look over at him. Daniel’s intense gaze is locked on me and I know I have his full attention.
“Eventually, he started losing his temper.” Daniel tenses. “It was mainly words, but occasionally…he’d push me out of the way, or squeeze my arms a little too tightly to get his point across, and twice…” My breath catches, my throat tightening as I force myself to say the words. “Twice, he actually punched me.”
Daniel jerks away and stands, walking over to the window and bracing his hands on the glass. By the way his head has fallen down and the speed in which his chest is rising and falling, I can tell he’s angry.
“I just need a moment,” he says roughly, his voice low.
I swallow down the growing lump in my throat, second guessing myself. “Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have…”
He whirls around and leaning his back against the glass, his eyes locked on mine, the fire burning inside still raging as he stares at me. “Mac, don’t you dare apologize for him. You did nothing wrong. It’s just taking a lot of self-control not to punch something right now, preferably that asshole’s fucking head.” I sit there, my mouth agape as his anger and words sink in. When he speaks again, his tone is back to soft and gentle. “Keep going, gorgeous. I want to hear it.”
“Okay,” I reply shakily, my equilibrium totally of kilter now. “Kate kept telling me to come home, but there was no way Beau would let me leave. So the more overbearing he became, the more trapped I felt, even when he wasn’t home. He was usually too busy getting high and sleeping around.”
“Mac, you don’t-”
I jerk my gaze up to his. “Yeah, I do, Superman. It’s not a pretty story, but to know why I am the way I am, you need to hear it all.” He nods and I continue.
“Six months after moving, I found out I was pregnant. I’d always taken precautions, but somehow my shot had run out.” I shake my head. “Anyway, when I told him, he got crazy mad, he kept saying it was all my fault and how he didn’t want a bastard child with me. We got into a fight, he knocked me down onto the couch and then stormed out. Later that night, I miscarried in the shower. I rang Kate, and she had me on the next flight home.”
He walks across the room toward the kitchen and braces himself against the counter, gripping his fingers tightly around the edge. I gingerly walk behind him, partly affected by alcohol consumption, and partly worried about his reaction to what I’ve just said. When I softly put my hand on his back, he flinches.
“I just need a minute,” he rasps. His voice is strained and rough and I can tell he’s trying hard to rein in his anger for my benefit. “I’m glad Kate was there for you,” he says a few minutes later.
“Me too. Doesn’t help with the guilt, though. I’ve always believed that I willed it to happen. Like I subconsciously wanted to miscarry.”
Hearing that, he turns around and places his hands on my waist, pulling me to him and holding me there.
“Mac, it doesn’t work like that. It wasn’t your fault,” he whispers.
“I know, but it doesn’t make me feel any better.” He flexes his fingers against my side and I decide it’s time to finish story time with drunk and open book Mac. I look up and lose myself in his beautiful, caring eyes. How did I think I could ever resist this man? “After that, I made a vow that I would never let a man get close enough to break me. And I was doing well until you kind of wormed your way in.” I give him a wry half-smile.
His gaze roams my face. In this light, their caramel color shining amber today and I get lost in him. The more time that passes, the smoldering embers between us get stronger, hotter, threatening to spark alight.
“I want this... I want us,” I whisper.
His perfect full lips curve up into a slow-growing smile. “Gorgeous, that might be the best thing I’ve ever heard come out of that beautiful mouth.”
And then I see it. The look he’s giving me. It’s the same expression that terrified me a week ago, but right now my heart feels like it might burst.
He pulls me in close and I burrow my head into the crook of his neck, relishing in his delicious smell as it surrounds me. For the first time in a week, I feel like I can breathe easy. My heart no longer hurts and I’m myself again.
Then it hits me. My stomach turns, and I feel the telltale sign that my night is about to turn south. “Fuck,” I spit out as I turn and run towards the bathroom, getting there just before I retch into the toilet.
When Daniel’s footsteps come up behind me, I cry.
“I’m so sorry,” I sob, falling onto my side next to the claw-footed tub and hugging my legs.
“Hey,” he says, squatting down in front of me. “Let’s get you in the shower. Then I think it might be time to put our talk on hold until morning, okay?”
“But, there’s still more to say,” I whimper.
“We’ve had enough for tonight. Now, we need to get you cleaned up and home to bed.”
“I don’t wanna go home… wanna stay with you.”
“Okay, gorgeous. In the shower, and I’ll clean up in here.” I lift my head and look around, wincing at the mess in and around the toilet bowl.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” I say, horrified.
Daniel chuckles. “We’ve all had these moments. You forget that I used to room with Noah in college.” He pulls me up to my feet and leans around me to turn the shower on.
Once it’s warmed up, I step under the gloriously hot shower and relish in the night being washed away from me. I sit down on the corner seat and rest my head against the side of the shower, taking a moment to just close my eyes and let the water pour over me. And that’s the last thing I remember until I wake up in Daniel’s bed a few hours later.