Zander
I’m a stupid fucking idiot.
I should have told Kate months ago about the internet dating thing. I should have explained my reasons and avoided this heartache. The pain in my chest is paralyzing. I never thought anything could match the pain I saw when my mother lost my father, but this is worse. This is of my own doing.
Mac sent me a text an hour after Kate left to let me know that she’d caught a cab to Daniel’s apartment.
Mac: She’s here. You’re an idiot. Why the fuck didn’t you tell her?
Zander: I know I fucked up
Mac: She’s a mess. This is beyond a simple fucking up. I warned you.
Zander: Fuck! How can I fix this?
Mac: I’m sure she’ll come around. She just needs time.
Zander: I’ll be gone in the morning.
Mac: You sure you don’t want to stay and fight for her?
Zander: I’m going to fight for her to the death, but she asked me to leave so I will.
Mac: Okay. She’s staying here tonight. She’s not talking to me right now though.
Zander: Shit. I’m sorry Mac. Tell her I love her. Tell her I’m going to make this up to her.
Mac: I’ll try.
As much as I want to believe that Kate will forgive me, I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’ve lost her for good.
Fuck, I wish I had a fucking time machine so that I could go back all those months ago and tell her with my first message as nightdancer.
She told me she felt stupid, and that ‘poor Kate had to resort to internet dating.’ Nothing could be further from the truth, but she wouldn’t give me a chance to explain. She just took off out the door, but not until she’d delivered the most crushing blow of all to my heart. She had thought I was the one.
All night I lie in our bed wondering how I’d fucked this up so badly and what in God’s name I was going to do to get my girl back. Because I want her back.
I need her back.
By the time the sun comes up, I’ve barely slept, and I have a full shift ahead of me. I’ve tried ringing her, but every call is sent to her answering machine. Every text is ignored. It is like she’s Antarctica, and I’m a stranded ship without navigation.
FUCK!
I just need a chance to explain. Maybe some space is needed. What if I move back into my old apartment? That will give Kate space to think about things.
Yes. I think that’s what I need to do. I grab my phone and call Zach.
“Zach.”
“Zan. What’s up?”
“I need my room back.”
“You fucked up already, man?”
“Fuck you.”
“What did you do? Get caught with your pants down?”
“No, asshole. Would you look elsewhere if you had Kate?” The line goes silent. “No, I didn’t think so. She found out about the internet dating profile, and that I was the guy she was talking to.”
“You’re a fucking moron, dude. I thought you told her. Isn’t that why you didn’t move back?”
“I didn’t move back because we were together and happy. To be honest, I fucking forgot about the stupid website. I haven’t logged on for ages. That was until this afternoon at the bar. She borrowed my laptop tonight and must’ve seen the site in my favorites.”
“You fucked up.”
“Yeah, you think?” I reply deadpan.
“So she kicked you out?”
“Kind of. She told me to be gone when she gets back, then she stormed out. Mac texted me last night. She went to their place. I think it would be better if I give her some space and move out.”
“You sure it won’t make things worse?”
“I don’t have a clue right now, but she should at least be able to come home without me here stopping her. It’s the least I can do.”
“You going to win her back?”
“I fucking hope so. I don’t want anyone else. Only her.”
“Well, you need to tell her that. I’m the wrong person, sunshine,” he replies.
“If she’d pick up the damn phone, or answer one of my ten text messages, then I’d tell her.”
“She isn’t going to answer, dude. You need to do something big, huge, to make up for this. This is the stuff that relationships are ruined by. You fucked up. You need to own it, then you can move on and make it up to her.”
“All hail the wise one. I’ve got to go to the station. I’ll pack my stuff and dump it in my room on my way. All good?”
“Sure, man. I hope you get this figured out.”
“Me too. More than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life.”
Kate
I was barely able to talk when I knocked on Mac and Daniel’s door last night. I was about to walk away when Daniel answered with a towel wrapped around his waist, and the best case of sex hair I’d ever seen. I started crying again, knowing I’d interrupted their engagement celebration sex.
“I’m . . . sorry. I’ll. .g . . . g . . . o,” I stuttered, turning and moving toward the elevators.
“Kate! Get your ass in here now,” Daniel’s voice bellowed down the hallway. I scurried through the door and took up residence on their couch.
“I’m so sorry. I knew I’d cause trouble by coming here.”
“Kate, you are welcome here anytime. You need Mac, and you need me. We’re here for you.”
I started crying again, and Daniel’s eyes softened as he turned and yelled toward their bedroom. “Mac, put some clothes on and come out here. Kate needs her best friend.” He walked toward me and sat down. “Whatever he’s done, it’ll be okay.”
“How did you . . . ? Never mind. I don’t think it will be okay,” I’d spit out before burying my face in his chest and bawling my eyes out.
“Kate, if this is payback for earlier, I . . .” Mac walked into the room and stopped dead in her tracks as I looked up at her, pain written all over my face.
“Shit. Superman, she needs white wine. Stat.”
“That I can do.” With a kiss on my forehead, Daniel got up and headed to the bedroom to get dressed.
Mac sat next to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. My tears wouldn’t stop falling. I didn’t know how to stop them. Did I want to stop them? I was beyond caring what I looked like right now. My heart was broken. My seemingly perfect relationship had been a lie.
“Babe, what happened?” she asked as Daniel handed me a glass of wine and took a seat opposite us. I hadn’t even realized he’d walked back in the room.
“I got home on a real high. You know me, I’m emotional. I cried the whole time Daniel was on his knee in front of you. Well, I kind of jumped Zander when I got home, and all was right with the world. You have your dream guy. I had mine. So when I asked to use his computer, I didn’t think anything of it until I saw the Chicago Singles site on his favorites. I couldn’t help myself. I opened it, and there was his username saved, all ready to go.”
“It’s not a crime to be on a dating site, hon.”
“No, but do you remember that guy I told you about that I was talking to on the internet?”
“Yeah, but you stopped that awhile ago, right?”
“Of course I did. I sent him a message a few months ago after my second date with Zander and said that I’d met someone, and I wanted to see where it was going.”
I looked at Mac, but her face was expressionless. She’d pulled her arm back and was wringing her hands in her lap. Something seemed off. I’d expected her to be more pissed at him. My bulldog best friend should have been all over this like a dog in heat, but she wasn’t. She knew my stance on lying, but she’d stayed quiet, looking at the floor as if she’d wanted it to swallow her up.
It was what she didn’t say that grabbed my attention. She was too quiet and reserved compared to when I’d first arrived. Her reaction was too controlled.
“Mac, What-”
“Did he get angry at you for snooping or something?” she asked, interrupting me. She was acting really defensive.
“No, not at all. Mac, what aren’t you telling me?” I looked her straight in the eyes, shocked when I see her look away. Her body tensed up, and she looked across at Daniel who just shrugged his shoulders, oblivious to her discomfort.
“Mac?” Then it hit me.
I stood up, pointing my finger down at her. “You knew, didn’t you? You fucking knew it was him. That’s why you were encouraging me to pursue it with nightdancer . . . and Zander, come to think of it. Oh my fucking god. What the hell? You’re supposed to be my best friend!” I wave my hands between us angrily. “We’re supposed to tell each other everything. I can’t believe you of all people would deceive me.” I grabbed my purse and walked toward the door.
“Kate, wait!” Daniel called out, his voice low. He was angry as well, but as I turned to face him, I saw that it wasn’t with me. Mac was still sitting on the couch staring at us in disbelief.
“Stay in the guest room. I don’t want you out there by yourself when you’re so upset. If you need space, you’ve got it, but don’t go home. You know he won’t leave until he sees you again. I hardly know the guy, but from what I saw this afternoon, he’s too far gone to let you go without one hell of a fight. Sleep on it. Okay?”
He rubbed his hands up and down my arms and I sighed. Knowing he was right, I turned and started walking toward the guest room.
“I’m so sorry, babe, but you know he loves you. It may not seem like it now, but he does. I’ve never seen him like this. He’s different with you.” I looked up at Mac to see her eyes full of tears. I couldn’t trust myself not to say something I’d regret which wouldn’t do either of us any good. She’s heavily pregnant with twins, and she doesn’t need stress, and I was too pissed off and upset to control myself, or my words.
“I’m sorry too.” I said, turning my back to her.
I heard Daniel’s raised voice as I slammed the door behind me. I hated that I’d caused trouble for them, but Mac was in the wrong. Whatever her reasons, she was wrong.
I collapsed on the queen sized bed in front of me. I kicked my shoes off and curled into a ball, grabbing a pillow from under my head. I’d let the tears fall. One for every moment I’d thought that Zander was different; that he wasn’t like all of the other men in my past. I felt my phone vibrate again and looked to see Zander’s name flashing at me. He’d been ringing non-stop since I’d left. He must’ve known better than to come after me, but the ten missed calls and numerous texts showed that he was worried.
I powered my phone down and threw it on the floor. I didn’t care about anything right now.
I fell asleep in the same position, clutching the pillow for dear life.