Sam
I walk into the station, nodding to the desk sergeant as I walk up the stairs toward the interrogation room where Jeremy told me Ryan would be waiting.
Jeremy’s waiting for me in the corridor, his lips pressed together in a grimace as I walk up to him. He looks at me for a moment, his eyes full of concern as he tries to gauge my mood. “You good, Richards?” he asks.
“I will be once I knock some sense into that dickhead’s skull. I need to scare him straight, Jer, and the only time to do that is going to be right now without his domineering, overzealous older brother breathing down his neck. Right now I’m neutral between the Miller boys, although I am a cop so I can make sure he understands just how bad this might get.” He nods and I continue. “Did you talk to the DA?”
“Amazingly, he took my call and was surprisingly receptive. You get Ryan to agree to testify against the bookie, about the whole damn racket, and he’ll be granted immunity and will escape the third strike. I’m sure he doesn’t need to be told what will happen if he fucks up again?”
I shake my head and smile at Jeremy before wrapping my arms around his back and squeezing tight. “I’ll never be able to thank you enough for this,” I whisper in his ear. I step back and look at him, uncharacteristic tears gathering in my eyes.
“You keep up this human behavior, Richards...” I gasp in shock and glare at him, “...and I’ll tell all the guys you’re really a girl.” He winks at me and I whack him hard on the arm.
“I’m different at work, you know that,” I explain.
“Yep, and you wouldn’t be half the cop you are without that hard exterior. What I’m trying to say is that it’s nice to see what’s underneath coming out. Your friends know it’s there, and I’m sure that your man and his brother definitely know it’s there, and it just might pay to let it shine more often. You won’t be seen as weak, you know. Just the opposite.”
“Quit it before I cry. It’ll ruin the tough cop wake-up call I’m about to deliver in there.” I jerk my head toward the closed interrogation room door and he chuckles.
“Right. Be quick though. The Captain doesn’t know about it yet. Ryan will still need to give me a statement after you’ve gone, but anything he says to you is off the record and off camera. Comprende?”
“Got it. Thanks, Jer. I owe you one.”
“Hell yeah, you do. Just bring in some donuts or something. You know I struggle to maintain this figure.” He rubs his slightly rounded stomach and grins.
“Deal.”
He turns and walks away from me as I face the door and slowly take a deep breath. I reach out and turn the knob. Stepping inside, I swear I can see the wide eyed, messed up twenty year old from ten years ago. The one living in his big brother’s successful shadow. The one who lost his parents young, then lost his beloved grandparents just as he was getting his life back on track.
But now isn’t the time for excuses. Ryan needs help, and I’m going to be the one to give it to him.
“Sam,” he breathes out, his voice relieved. I barely have a minute to sit down before he speaks. “Have you see Sean? Is he okay? Please tell me he hasn’t been arrested?”
I close my eyes and struggle to compose myself. Ryan doesn’t care about himself right now; his only concern is Sean.
“Ryan, Sean was released without charge this morning. He didn’t come home, but he has his car, so I guess he’s gone somewhere to calm down.”
“Calm down? Is he that mad with me?”
“Probably,” I reply with a shrug. “But it’s more likely that he didn’t expect me to go against his wishes and call it in, which is probably more unforgivable in his eyes because he didn’t see it coming.”
“You … you called the cops?”
“I am a cop, Ryan. Something you might’ve forgotten but I never can. It’s my job, it’s my career, and if I know a crime is being committed and that two people I care about are in danger, I will do everything in my power to avoid that. You don’t think I would let you get hurt do you, Ryan?”
“Well … no, but I told you I was going to try and get help. I told both of you. And I have been, I’ve been going to Gamblers Anonymous and meeting with my therapist twice a week. It’s just that when I got wind of this table, I thought I could make the money back and start to pay Sean back. Do you know he paid off the bookie and paid my rent up to date last time? I didn’t even ask. He wrote me off, told me that he was cutting ties, but then he went and did that.”
My eyes soften as I listen to him. “He loves you, Ry, but right now he’s pissed the fuck off. But it’s more than that. You can’t worry about Sean because you’re in a hole that you can’t get yourself out of unless you make the right decision, and you need to make it quick because there’s an offer on the table that will give you a chance at a life. A legal, free life.”
His body stills as my words sink in. The room is quiet except for a lone clock on the stone wall ticking away the seconds. Ryan wrings his hands together. “You need me to testify, don’t you?”
“Immunity from prosecution in return for your testimony on the gambling, the assault at the club, the game last night, and anything you have seen or heard that would strengthen the DA’s case.”
“I’ll do it.” No hesitation, no wavering. He shocks the shit out of me when he looks me dead in the eye and answers immediately. “Where do I sign? What do I have to do? I can’t go to jail, Sam. I can’t do this again. I need help, major help, but I want to stay straight. I want to make you and Sean proud. I want to do it for Granddad and Grandma, for Mom and Dad. I need to do this to make everything right.”
I see the wet sheen of tears in his eyes and I know that he’s been scared straight. Something has sunk in this time and I release the breath I’ve inadvertently been holding in.
“Please help me, Sam. I need to do this. No more fucking up, I thought I was invincible and my stupidity almost got Sean arrested. Now I need to make it right. If doing this, if testifying will help me do that, then bring in the detective, bring me the papers, I’ll sign whatever they want me to.”
I reach over the table and place my hand over the top of his hands. “Ry, Sean loves you. He wouldn’t have left his bed in the middle of the night and told me not to do anything if he didn’t love you. You’re doing the right thing. For you especially.”
I stand up and look at him one last time before opening the door and walking out. When I reach Jeremy’s desk, his eyes lift to meet mine and one chin lift is all it takes to answer him.
“I’ll take care of it, cupcake. You let me know when you find that man of yours.”
“Will do, Jer. Thank you. For everything.”
“Anytime. Now get out of here before the Captain sees you and starts asking questions. You’re a good cop and an even better woman. Everybody sees it.”
Unable to speak without losing it, I nod and walk away from him, though this time I feel like I’m walking toward something rather than running away.
When I call Sean’s phone later from home, I end up leaving a message on his voice mail, telling him everything he won’t let me say direct. I lay it all out, put my heart on the line and tell him I’ll wait to hear from him.
What else can I do?
Sean
I leave my phone on my desk, not willing to answer it just yet. My head is throbbing and my mouth feels like I’ve been sucking on a slimy dish rag. Not my finest moment, I’m sure. I go down the corridor and have a quick shower, throwing on some clothes I found in the gym bag in my office before I sit back behind my desk again, resting my head in my hands and willing the Advil to start working.
My phone beeps with another missed call. I pick it up, swiping the lock screen open and see the voice mail icon flash up at me. Gritting my teeth, I call my service and wait for the message to start replaying.
“Sean, it’s me. I know you were released this morning and I know you were dropped at your car. You obviously know that I called my friend Jeremy and asked him to do something to help you last night and I’m guessing that’s why you didn’t come home to our bed, to me …”
She called it home. She called it was our bed.
“… I know you’re angry at me, and part of that is warranted, but most of it is not. I did what I had to do as a cop who knew that something illegal was going down and as a woman who knew that the man she loves was going into an unknown, possibly dangerous situation.”
She loves me. Fuck! My heart swells. I knew it, but to hear the words again from her own mouth … nothing can describe it.
“I know what can happen in those backroom games, Sean. I’ve done stints in narcotics and organized crime, and I knew that you were going in there unarmed and without back up which is stupid in that kind of scene. Jeremy has been investigating underground gambling, heading a city wide task force and working toward bringing these guys down. What happened last night has helped him, a lot. I’ve already been down this morning and talked to Ryan. We managed to get him a deal in exchange for his testimony. He escapes his third strike and he’s promised me that whatever it takes, he’ll do it.”
Crap. In all my anger, I didn’t even think about it being Ryan’s third strike. My fist clenches tight and slams down on my desk. I was too closed off, furious with him for screwing up again after so many promises of getting his life sorted to think about the consequences for him. Three strikes would’ve meant jail time, a lot of jail time. The thought of my brother locked up is like a punch to the gut. “Anyway, I hope you get this and that you’ll come see me when you’ve cooled down. I hope you can see where I was coming from and that, given the situation, I had no other option. I’m a cop, I can’t turn a blind eye when I know a crime is being committed, and I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself if something had happened to you or Ryan. I love my job, but I also love you, Sean. I’ve always loved you. I was just in denial. But I’m not hiding from it anymore. I want you, I want everything you can give me and more. I want to give you me, my body, my heart, everything. I hope you’re still willing to give me the chance.”
Fuck. I’m a pig headed fool.
I stand up suddenly, having to brace myself on my desk as residual dizziness threatens to drop me on my ass. Once the room stops spinning, I push the car service speed dial on my desk phone, ordering a car to take me home as soon as they can get one to me. Swiping my keys off my desk and putting my cell in my back pocket, I lock up the club and make my way out to the front where I wait patiently for the car.
I try to call my home phone to no avail before trying Sam’s cell. It goes unanswered and I hang up before leaving a message. What I need to say needs to be said face to face.
The town car pulls up and I settle in the back seat before telling the driver where to go. Home to my girl.
Sam
It’s nearing two o’clock in the afternoon. I finally have a missed call from Sean, but he didn’t leave a message, so I’m not getting my hopes up until he calls back and I actually hear from him.
I’ve been thinking back on the past four months. Our relationship has been so much easier this time around once I admitted the truth to myself and to Sean. Had I just talked my doubts through with him back when we were first together, we could’ve had a real shot, but I naively listened to my bent out of shape mother and let her twist Sean’s need for control into something ugly and not true. Instead of being able to thrive under his hand and blossom under his dominance in the bedroom, I threw it all away and hid. He was never trying to control and dictate my life. He cared about me.
He loved me.
So when I left that message on Sean’s voicemail this morning, I let everything hang out. I laid it all on the table, not wanting to have the excuse of miscommunication to fall back on. I wanted him to know where I’m coming from and how important my job is to me but also, how important he is to me too. I get the call from Jeremy that Ryan is free to go and that he needs to be picked up. Driving him back to his apartment, he was very quiet, almost contemplative, until I pulled up outside his building. “Ryan, make sure you get something to eat and some sleep. I don’t think you got much of that in the cage.” I smile warmly and his eyes get some of their sparkle back.
“No, I don’t think it’s possible,” he retorts.
“Tomorrow, you need to call your therapist and make another appointment. And I meant what I said a while ago. I’ll come to your GA meetings if you need me to. I’ll sponsor you if that will help.”
“I’m sorry, Sammy. I really am.”
“I know, Ry.”
“Tell Sean I’m sorry.”
“You can tell him yourself. That’s if he ever comes out of wherever he’s hiding.”
“He’ll be at the club, probably locked away in his office. He’ll come to you when he’s calmed down. You’ll see.”
“Glad one of us is confident.”
Before getting out of the car, he leans over and puts his hand on my shoulder. “My brother never got over you, Sam. He never got another girlfriend, and he sure as shit didn’t get married. He’s been all about his career, the club, and obviously bailing me out of shit. Now it’s time for the both of you to get your happily ever after. He’ll come round.”
“I hope so.”
With a gentle kiss goodbye on my cheek, he gets out of my car and walks into his apartment building. I drive home to begin the waiting game, which didn’t end up taking that long.
Sitting on my front step when I pull into my driveway is the elusive man I love.