“Stop!” said Kathy.
Ruth had scarcely opened her mouth before Kathy jumped in.
“There’s something I need to say first,” Kathy said, her face now blotchy. “Please… please don’t interrupt or I won’t be able…” Kathy put up a hand signaling for quiet. “I was thinking about it coming down on the train,” she said, looking at Ruth. “You’ve covered it up for far too long, Ruth, and I’ve been such a coward.”
Ruth stared at Kathy, gobsmacked. Trust Kathy to hijack her disclosure. Exasperated, she indicated that Kathy should continue.
“Will someone please tell me what’s going on?” Charlotte looked from one to the other, bewildered.
“It’s okay, Charlotte,” said Ruth. “It’s just a misunderstanding that’s gone on far too long. That’s all. Let me explain.”
Kathy banged her fist on the table. The cutlery shook.
“No, Ruth, it wasn’t a misunderstanding. It was deliberate. It should have been me on that day, twenty-five years ago. I was the one supposed to hitch alone. Me. It was never supposed to be Sarah. I was a cheat.”
Nearby diners glanced in their direction.
“What are you talking about, Kathy?” said Charlotte, sharply.
“Let me –” said Ruth.
“No, no, no!” Kathy had gathered up a head of steam. “For once and for all, please let me explain myself.” She banged on the table again.
“It’s alright, Kathy. Go on then, we’re listening,” said Charlotte, looking apprehensive.
Their waiter looked over, alarmed. They were causing a scene. Ruth also indicated that Kathy should continue.
“That day on the road, we’d been waiting for ages but nobody would take three of us,” Kathy said, gulping. “We were there for hours. We decided to split up. To split up into two and one. So we tossed a coin and I lost. I started blubbing like a fool.” She ran her hands distractedly through her hair. “But here’s the thing, Charlie…”
“Yes?” Charlotte said, listening intently.
“Sarah volunteered to take my place. To hitch alone. She said she didn’t mind.” Kathy’s hair looked ludicrous, she’d been pulling it this way and that, her high-pitched rambling resonating around the dining-room. Ruth wished she’d quieten down.
“Sarah’s the one who should sitting here today – not me!”
“Is everything okay, ladies? Sorry for the delay. Your starters are on the way.” The waiter had sidled over to their table.
“Fine, thanks. Just catching up,” Ruth snapped, then reddened at her rudeness.
This wasn’t an ideal venue for their tête-à-tête. But there was little Ruth could do. She breathed deeply. Her turn now. Kathy’s distress made what Ruth was about to say, seem all the more callous. But Kathy was a head-wreck, one minute Ruth wanted to throttle her and the next to give her a hug.
“Kathy, you’re wrong,” Ruth said firmly. “Please, let me –” Ruth raised her hand to request a hearing. “It should never have been you in the first place, Kath,” Ruth continued. “It was never supposed to be you. That’s what I’ve been trying to say, if you let me get a word in edgeways. You should never have been in the second toss. That toss should have been between me and Sarah, not you and Sarah. I lied.”
“I’m completely lost,” said Charlotte said, exasperated.
“Okay,” said Ruth. “It isn’t that complicated,” she said. “I was the one who suggested we split up, that we toss a coin to see who would hitch alone, and who would hitch together. And we were so broke that we didn’t even have a coin – so we used Kathy’s St Christopher’s medal instead.”
Kathy was clutching her wine glass.
“I tossed the medal,” said Ruth. “The first toss was between Kathy and myself. And here’s the thing – I told Kathy she’d lost that toss.” She looked Kathy directly in the eye. “I lied. You never saw the medal land.” She spoke slowly now. “That meant that you, Kathy, were never meant to hitch alone.”
Kathy stared, absorbing this new information. Ruth felt as if the whole dining room was listening, as if knives and forks were suspended in mid-air.
“And Sarah won that second toss. Fair and square.” The words were sticking in Ruth’s mouth. “I lied,” she said. “You didn’t lose, Kathy. You won – not me. No matter what the outcome, you were never meant to hitch alone.”
Her grubby secret was out in the open.
Silence.
Ruth felt the slow burn of Kathy’s gaze as it was slowly sinking in. In the background, the low chatter in the dining room seemed to resume. Charlotte was looking at Ruth with an expression she couldn’t fathom. Ruth waited for their response – a penitent in the dock.
As she’d been speaking, their starters had appeared on the table, but remained untouched. Ruth started to shake, surprised at the well of emotion churning around inside her.
“Is that it?” said Charlotte, surprisingly unfazed.
“I don’t understand, Ruth…” Kathy’s voice was small and baffled. “Why would you lie? Why would you do that to me?”
This was going to be hard. The truth was cruel and spiteful. Why had Ruth lied? She’d lied because she was sick of clearing up Kathy’s mess. She’d lied because she was tired of Kathy’s constant martyrdom. She’d lied because she’d felt that it was Kathy’s fault they’d all been in that mess in the first place. She’d lied because if Ruth hadn’t spent so much time sorting Kathy out, she might have passed her exams. She’d lied because she’d been irritated by Kathy savaging her chocolate. She’d lied out of something small and spiteful.
Ruth’s head was swimming.
“It’s petty,” she said. “It’s going to sound pathetic and mean because it was pathetic and mean. I lied because you were wrecking my head, Kath. You got under my skin that morning.” Ruth bowed her head. “Remember you had a hangover? You were grumpy and moaning and generally being a pain.” Ruth tried to sound apologetic¸ not daring to look up. “I know it sounds dumb and stupid and pathetic but then you ate most of the chocolate I’d been saving… and that really bugged me…”
Ruth snatched a brief look at Kathy who was gawping at her.
“You’re not telling me you lied because I ate your chocolate?”
Ruth could hear her disbelief. “I know. It’s pathetic,” Ruth whispered. “But, that was one of the reasons, yes.”
“Christ Almighty, do you have any bloody idea?”
“Take it easy, Kath,” Charlotte tried to avert a complete explosion.
“I don’t believe this.” Kathy pushed her plate of shrimp away as if it might poison her. She turned and stared out the window.
Ruth’s stomach was churning. She shook from top to toe. She topped up her glass with the bottle in the ice-bucket, sending a nearby waiter into a frenzy of apology. No matter what the women thought now, it was done. The wrong Ruth had committed was acknowledged.
“You know I always thought there was something,” Charlotte ventured. “Something you weren’t telling me.” She shook her head.
Kathy looked at Ruth, accusingly. “And all during the investigation, I thought you never mentioned the whole business of tossing the coin and leaving Sarah on her own because you wanted to cover for me.” Her eyes burned.
What could Ruth say? That part was true. Not that Kath would believe her now. The public opprobrium had been hard enough, without singling Kathy out for any further vilification.
“I did want to cover for you in a way.” Ruth knew that saying it now, sounded weak and lame. “What difference would telling anyone have made to the investigation? In a way, I’m glad you never mentioned it. It was an omission, not a cover up. It had no bearing on the investigation. Christ! It was bad enough the way they painted us in the media. That constant whiff of suspicion. Telling them about the toss would only have compounded matters. Can you honestly imagine if you’d actually told them the truth? If Mrs Nugent ever suspected that Sarah took your place? What do you think the media would have done to you then? But I shouldn’t have kept the truth from you. For that I’m sorry. I truly am.”
Kathy’s eyes were fixed on Ruth, searing right through her. Charlotte was shifting in her seat, looking from one to the other.
“For God’s sake, Ruth!” Kathy exploded now. “Do you have any idea what you put me through? Knowing that one little thing would have made such a difference. We didn’t need to tell anyone, but you could have told me. No one denies my life was going off the rails at the time. But Christ almighty, that really didn’t help. I really could have done without that. All these years of waking up in the middle of night seeing Sarah, raped, tortured, left to rot. Imagining all the things that could have happened to her – knowing it should have been me. Do you know what that feels like? Well, do you?”
“Of course I bloody do!” Ruth felt under siege. “That’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you. From where I stood, it should have been me! I was the one who lied and cheated. Whatever happened to Sarah, it should have happened to me.” Without warning, Ruth felt tears trickling down her face. It was all too much. She’d lost control.
Hot tears slid down her cheeks, running into the hollow of her neck. Ruth couldn’t remember the last time she’d cried. It felt unfamiliar and strangely cathartic. Ruth was always in control. Here she was, a grown woman, weeping in public. The guilt and regret in a calcified knot inside her, melted away in a deluge of salty tears.
“It’s okay, Ruth,” said Charlotte patting her hand.
She’s never seen me cry in all the time she’s known me. No wonder she looks bewildered, thought Ruth.
“But it’s not okay,” she sniffed. “It wasn’t okay back then and it’s not okay now. I know you had a hard time, Kathy. But life hasn’t been a walk in the park for me either.”
Kathy’s expression softened.
Ruth took heart. “Things were never the same afterwards,” she began. “Not back in my hometown. You know only too well what small towns are like, Kath. They were all talking about me. There she goes, look at her, the one who left her friend alone. It was a sheer bloody relief to get to England. It upset my parents terribly that I rarely came home, their only child,” she paused, “but I just couldn’t face the snide comments and the looks. They have long memories, I can tell you.” The lump in her throat was getting bigger. “Someone pour me another glass of wine?”
Charlotte lifted the empty bottle from the ice-bucket.
“Oops, I had the last glass,” said Kathy.
“Thought you’d given up?” said Charlotte.
“You don’t expect me to go through this with a glass of diet coke, do you?” she replied.
Charlotte signaled the waiter for the wine to be replenished.
“I’m really sorry to hear all this, Ruth. You’re here in Ireland now,” said Charlotte. “You could always go and see your parents while you’re here.” She was trying to be helpful.
A wave of sadness rolled over Ruth. That time had been and gone.
“I don’t think so, Charlotte. Mum has Alzheimer’s. She’s in a nursing home. From what the nursing staff are saying, I doubt she’ll even know me next time I visit.” Ruth shook her head. “As for Dad, he passed away three years ago. It hardly matters if I visit anymore.” Ruth was drained. She’d never spoken as frankly.
“I’m very sorry about that, Ruth.” Charlotte was apologetic. “I’d have come to the funeral, if I’d known. I’d have been there.”
“Don’t worry, Charlie. It’s not your fault. No one from university came, I never contacted anyone.”
Their main courses had arrived and all three made an attempt to eat, if only to reflect on what they’d heard.
Then Ruth suddenly froze, as she was raising a fork to her mouth.
“Jesus!” she said it quietly, under her breath. “That’s it – the St Christopher’s medal. Ruth stared at Charlotte. “Richard said this guy – our creepy handyman – he knew about the St Christopher’s medal. But if this guy knows about tossing the medal, there was only one person who could have told him.”
Charlotte was looking at her strangely. Kathy too had stopped mid-forkful. Did Ruth have to spell it out for them? “That can only mean…” Ruth’s heart skipped a beat, “that Sarah told him.” Carrots flew across the table as Ruth waved her fork. “Oh, this scum-bag’s in the frame alright. Only Sarah could have told him about the toss.”
“I thought that too,” said Kathy. Then she swallowed. “That someone out there knew about the medal, how I had taken Sarah’s place. And only Sarah could have told them that.” She moved her fork around the plate. “I was so freaked out when you mentioned the medal that time you rang me, Charlie. I’d been feeling so guilty. But there’s also something else.” Kathy put down her fork.
The table fell silent.
“What?” asked Ruth.
“Before we split up, I gave Sarah the medal. I put Lawrence’s St Christopher’s medal around her neck to keep her safe. I remember it vividly. Sarah rearranging her black and white scarf and her crazy permed hair, so that I could tie the clasp for her.” Kathy shook her head. “That medal was nothing but a curse,” she said slowly.
Ruth turned to look at Charlotte who was looking drawn from all these revelations.
“What does Richard say, Charlie?” asked Ruth. “He must know more than he’s pretending. Does he think that this weirdo is the guy?”
Charlotte didn’t answer, as if she were mulling it over.
“Anyway surely the police interviewed Nathan Queally at the time?” Ruth continued with her questioning. “How come he didn’t arouse more suspicion then? Did the police miss something?”
“I don’t know the ins and outs of it,” Charlotte answered, after some consideration. “I believe that they did interview him at the time. And they searched the cabin he was working on. But they didn’t know about his army history at the time. The police interviewed so many people, the staff in the pub, the shop, anyone cars that had stopped on the road…” Charlotte trailed off, looking troubled.
“And they interviewed the most obvious suspects,” Ruth said. She’d long harbored a suspicion as to who was responsible for Sarah’s disappearance.
Two heads turned to stare at her.
“I know who you mean,” Kathy joined in. “You took a set against them from the start. It’s those guys from the north of Ireland, isn’t it? You never liked them.”
“No, I didn’t,” Ruth confirmed. “They passed us by on the road that day. They knew where the cabin was. They could have been watching us. Looking out for us. There was more than caving going on with those guys, I’m sure of it. They were up to something. What about the munitions they found when they were dragging the lake? Who did those belong to?”
“You think that Sarah may have stumbled on to something? That’s what happened?” Kathy asked. Clearly Kathy didn’t think so.
“Maybe,” said Ruth, “They sure were menacing.”
“I don’t know, Ruth,” said Kathy. “This Nathan Queally, is the guy we should be concentrating on. And okay, maybe there isn’t enough evidence to detain him at the moment, but if it isn’t him, I’ve a feeling that he must know who it is. He must know something if he had to lodge a bail-bond, right?”
“Ladies,” interrupted the head-waiter. “Can I suggest that you enjoy your coffee in the bar? We’re about to clear the tables.” He obviously thought there’d been enough dining-room drama for one evening. Their loud voices would be better suited to the noisy bar.
“Of course,” said Ruth. “Let’s go, girls. Coffee in the bar.” Ruth was happy to take the hint.
“An Irish coffee for me,” said Kathy. “I think I need it.”
An hour later, Ruth left the bar. Charlotte and Kathy wanted to chat some more. But Ruth had had enough drama for one day. She was exhausted and also relieved. Relieved, that she’d faced down her own part in this long-running nightmare. It wasn’t over yet. In a way, it was all just beginning. Tomorrow was going to be torture. For now all Ruth wanted to do was sleep. She wanted sleep to wash over her like warm comforting water. She was tired to the bone.
Kathy was wrong about those guys from the north of Ireland. They were involved somehow. Ruth was confident that after tomorrow, her suspicions would be proven right. The police may well have interviewed those guys at the time, but she felt sure they were involved somehow. It wasn’t as if the police at the time had been the cleverest bunch.
Science too had moved on – forensics in particular. There were procedures available today that weren’t around twenty-five years ago. Advances in DNA profiling and such-like.
Ruth needed sleep. The thoughts of tomorrow, of being in the same room as the person who made Sarah disappear was too disturbing to think about.