CHAPTER 14

After Gord found Ray Sharp’s body, everything seemed to stop. He had been looking for a job, asking around, trying to find work and some extra money. But all that ground to a halt after Ray died.

In the nights afterward, Donna listened as Gord tossed and turned beside her. She woke up every time he got out of bed and started pacing through the house. One night, when he had been up more times than a jack in the box, making the bed creak every time, she offered him a sleeping pill.

“You’re barely sleeping,” she said. “Just take one of these pills and you’ll at least get a good night’s sleep.”

Gord turned over to face her. “Part of me wants to say no, but I’m tired enough to try anything,” he said.

“Just lay back down and I’ll get it for you,” she said.

Until a few weeks ago, Gord never had much trouble sleeping. He was concerned a few years ago when she came home with the sleeping pills.

“It’s just for when I feel anxious and can’t sleep,” she told Gord.

“You need to be careful with those,” he said. “I hear it’s really easy to get addicted.”

“I’ll be careful,” she said.

They never talked about it again. She kept the small vial of blue pills on her side of the medicine cabinet.

Donna left the room to get a glass of water and a pill. Gord sat up in bed when she returned to the bedroom. Looking at him, she remembered all the nights tending to their children when they were sick. She would bring them cough syrup or flat ginger ale and they would struggle up from their prostrate positions, their bodies sticky with a thin film of sweat, helpless and vulnerable. She flipped the light switch so she could see Gord and he squinted into the light.

“You’ll feel better if you sleep,” she said, holding her hand out to him.

He took the blue pill from her and swallowed it. She handed him the glass of water and watched his throat as he drank. He placed the tall glass on the bedside table when he finished, and lay back down, pulling the blue quilt up over himself.

“Thanks,” he said. “Every time I close my eyes, I see Ray’s body.”

Donna hadn’t asked Gord to tell her about what Ray’s body had looked like. She didn’t want to know. There hadn’t been any funeral. People in town whispered about it at the coffee shop. Doug Miller said he’d seen Ray Sharp’s kids driving through town, probably on their way to the farm. Figured they’d probably sell it.

Donna asked Gord if he wanted to talk to someone about finding Ray’s body.

“It’s a pretty big deal. I think you should maybe talk to someone. See a doctor. You might need some antidepressants. Or you might need a therapist to help you get those images out of your head.”

Gord was quiet for a minute. “I’ll think about it,” he said and rolled over, indicating that the conversation was finished.

Pam was calling Donna more often. It used to be that Donna was the one who called Pam when she had a spare moment, but now Pam called her twice a week, like clockwork.

“Just checking in,” Pam said, her voice bright. Pam and Mary Anne must have talked to each other and created a checking-in schedule. Mary Anne had been calling a lot too, asking Donna if she wanted to come into town, offering to bring the Klassens food, asking Donna if she needed anything done. One time, Mary Anne had driven over and brought a bottle of wine and a gift certificate for a massage.

Donna told Pam the news about Ray the day after it happened.

“Why did he do it?” Pam said.

“He just couldn’t take any more,” Donna said.

Everyone with cattle knew why Ray had done it. Donna had heard that awful little voice in her head. That voice had come to her, whispering that she had nothing worth living for when she had postpartum depression after having Allyson.

“I feel like you guys can’t catch a break,” Pam said when she called one night.

“I feel like I’m ready to curl up and die,” Donna said.

“Don’t say that,” Pam said. “Things can only go up from here. They can’t get worse.”

Donna was quiet for a moment. “They can always get worse,” she said.

“I’m worried about you guys,” Pam said. Her voice sounded far away. Sometimes she put Donna on speakerphone when she was cooking or moving around the kitchen. It just reminded Donna of how small, quiet and contained Pam’s life was. She could never put Pam on speakerphone in her own kitchen. “You’re always welcome in the city if you need a break from everything.”

“We’ll survive,” Donna said, rubbing her neck. It was always stiff lately. “We always do.”

“You need to do better than survive,” Pam said. “I hate seeing you guys like this.”

After she hung up the phone, Donna lay back down on the bed and thought. She had run out of fingers to count how the number of times she had heard Gord say, “The border will open. Things will get better.”

He said it so often that it started to feel like a refrain, the chorus of a popular country song playing on the radio. Almost every week, Gord had a meeting or a rally to go to. A couple weeks ago, the cattle ranchers had rented a big refrigerated truck, filled it with packaged meat and gone to Edmonton to sell it. They drove to the Alberta Legislature to protest on the front lawn and try to tell the city folk how much they were suffering. Some of the men, like Phil Hill, called around to restaurants in the city to see if they’d be willing to buy meat.

One night, when they were watching the news, Gord rocked back and forth in his La-Z-Boy, causing it to creak. “They are starting to forget about us,” he said, staring at the TV. He turned, and started flipping through the pile of clippings sitting next to his chair.

Donna had been paging through Chatelaine, looking for new beef recipes.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“The newspapers are moving on,” he said. “When was the last time they reported on the border closure on the news? It’s like the world has forgotten about us and we’re still out here bleeding.”

“You sound like your dad,” Donna said. “That’s something he would say.”

Linda had talked about renting out Al and Abby’s house, but no one had done anything about it yet. Donna still hadn’t been inside. She knew Linda and Craig had gone in a few times, but she couldn’t make herself go in there. Even though she had walked in without knocking when Abby and Al were still living there, she didn’t dream of going into the house without them. The thought of strangers, of people they didn’t know renting the house and living in the yard and knowing her business, well, it was enough to make her puke.

Donna was tired. She’d been working a lot at both of her jobs. There were signs all over town that things would not be fine. Convinced that the cattle business was never going to come back, some of their neighbours sold their cattle, even though they were worth nothing. They’d quietly gone out of business. There was less joking at the coffee shops. Donna had become obsessed with their bank account. Every time she was in town, she went to the ATM and checked the balances. How could they have so little in savings? Why couldn’t they have saved more? She watched as the number went further and further down. Gord kept on talking about an aid package from the government, but no one had seen anything of the sort yet. He’d heard rumours one night that the government was working around the clock, staying at night inside their offices, ­sleeping on cots so they could figure out a way to get money to people.

Donna heard the thump of footsteps coming into the living room. She turned to see Colton.

“I want to take you guys out tomorrow,” he said.

“What?” Donna said.

“Let’s go for steak,” he said. “My treat.”

“That would be nice,” Gord said, shifting in his chair.

“Six o’clock,” Colton said. “Lily and I will meet you downtown at Dinah’s steakhouse.”

“What’s the occasion?” Donna asked.

“I’ve got news,” Colton said, and left the room before they could ask him anything else.

Donna knew something was up. She looked at Gord, who shrugged.

“That boy wants something,” she said.

“Don’t know,” Gord said and turned back to the TV, dismissing the subject.

The next day, Donna, Gord and Allyson drove into town and parked the truck in front of the restaurant.

Donna tried to quash her thoughts as they walked towards Dinah’s. The whole thing was making her anxious. What did Colton have to tell them? Maybe he just wanted to announce that he was finally moving out. It would be nice not to have to feed him. She hoped that was it. He was making decent money at work and he was barely ever at home anyway.

Knowing Colton, he had probably knocked Lily up, and figured the best way to tell them was to invite them all to a celebratory dinner. He would make the announcement, and they would have to lift their wine glasses high and pretend to be happy. Donna and Gord wouldn’t be able to say anything, because they’d done the same thing themselves.

Inside the restaurant, Colton waved to them from a booth. Lily sat beside him. He smiled at them, and Donna was taken back to his childhood. He’d been a frequent smiler, always ­getting into things, trailing along behind Al like a baby duck following its mother. Al had been the one who had first noticed his mechanical ability, encouraging him to work on the farm vehicles, teaching him about cars and tractors.

“I ordered a bottle of wine for the table,” Colton said as they clambered into the booth.

They seated themselves, and the waitress, who bore a striking resemblance to Mabel Jacobson, brought them waters and menus.

They studied their menus. Donna was game for anything but beef. The waitress returned with their wine and uncorked it. Colton made a show of taking the first sip. Donna reached for the glass the second it was placed in front of her. She had a feeling she was going to need it. The wine tasted bitter, but she managed to choke it down.

The waitress took their orders. Gord and Colton were the only ones who ordered steaks.

They sat and made small talk for a few minutes, talking about nothing until Donna couldn’t stand it anymore.

“What’s your news?” she said, interrupting Gord. “You brought us here for something. What do you have to tell us?”

She looked at her son across the table. Lily took a sip from her wine glass. So she wasn’t pregnant. Or if she was pregnant, she was irresponsible.

“I’ve been feeling like I want to do something different with my life,” said Colton. “So I’m going to make a big change.”

Donna leaned forward in anticipation.

“Spit it out, son,” Gord said.

“I’ve joined the military,” Colton said.

Donna let out a breath of air she didn’t know she was holding, and raised her glass to take a big gulp of wine.

“The military?” Gord said. “Why? Where did you get that idea from?”

“I knew you would say that,” Colton said. Lily put her hand on the table and he reached out to hold it. “I knew you would think I was crazy to join up. But it makes sense. I’ll have a job, and I can use my mechanical skills. I’ve done the research and talked to people about it. It’s the right thing to do.”

He looked from Gord to Donna. Donna remembered how he had looked when he was a child and had been caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to do.

“Why?” Donna asked. “Why do you want to do this?”

“Just watching the war on the news,” Colton said. “And then after Grandpa Al died, I felt like I needed to be doing something meaningful.”

Allyson, who had been quiet, stirred her Sprite around with her straw and said, “So you’re going to kill people?”

“Allyson,” Gord said. “Shut up.”

“But people die when they go to war,” she said. “And they have to kill people.”

Colton ignored her. “I just have this feeling that this is what I need to do. The idea got under my skin and it won’t go away.”

Gord reached for his wine glass and knocked back some of his wine. He wasn’t normally a wine drinker.

“There are a lot of things in this world that are worth doing,” Gord said. “I could use your help, especially with Dad gone. You should stick around.”

“You don’t get it,” Colton said. He picked up his napkin and twisted it around in his hands. “There’s no future here. I can’t stay here. I don’t want to. I want to do something that ­matters.”

Gord flinched as if he’d been hit. “Farming matters,” he said. “We produce food for people. We’re keeping your grandfather’s dream alive. What could be more important than that?”

Colton shook his head and ripped up a small piece of the napkin. “It’s not for me,” he said. “I want more out of life.”

Donna watched Gord’s body tense.

“Come on now,” she said. “Don’t talk like that to your father.”

“I’m not like the other people in this family,” Colton said. “I’m never going to be good at school and I’m not someone who can turn everything I touch to gold. I’m just going to go off, and work hard and try this out.”

“This isn’t the right decision,” Donna said. They’d just lost a family member. Why would Colton pick something so drastic, so dangerous?

“You could die,” she said, her voice small. “I couldn’t take it if you died. I can’t take anything more.”

He shook his head. “Don’t think about it like that. Think about it like I’m doing what I need to do. Like I’m following a calling. Besides, it would be a long time before I could get stationed anywhere.”

“Following a calling?” Gord said, his voice low and dark. “Come on, boy. What kind of hippie talk is that? Klassens don’t talk like that. You could do some good around here. What’s wrong with you?”

The waitress showed up, her arms full of platters of food. A young, skinny guy with acne scars followed behind her, and placed steaming dishes in front of everyone. Colton leaned forward, picked up his wine glass and took a long swig, as if he ­hadn’t had anything to drink in days.

“How are we doing here?” the waitress chirped. She was too cheerful, Donna thought. She must never have suffered or experienced any sadness. Why did everything have to happen to them? If Donna had believed in God, really believed in God, the way Abby and Al believed, she would have thought that God hated them and wanted to get back at them.

“We’re fine,” Gord said, forcing a smile. “Just fine.”

“Need anything else?” the waitress said. She was nosy, just like Mabel Jacobson. Donna couldn’t remember the relationship between them. Anita would have known. The waitress reminded Donna of a bird, with her pointy nose and bright eyes. A small annoying bird.

“We’re fine,” Donna snapped, and then she felt bad. It wasn’t the waitress’s fault that Colton had some crazy ideas in his head. She felt her mouth contort into a smile. “Thank you,” she said, smiling like a beauty pageant queen.

The waitress left. Gord and Allyson started eating. Colton drank a glass of water. He was holding Lily’s hand on top of the table. Now Donna wished that they had sprung an engagement or pregnancy announcement. Anything but this.

“You can’t stop me from going,” Colton said. “I’m an adult.”

Gord put down his fork. “You think you’re an adult, but you’re not. You won’t be an adult until you have to deal with adult problems.”

Colton leaned forward. “I’m going to do what I have to do,” he said. “Whether or not you approve of it. I’m leaving for Shilo in a couple of weeks.”

For a minute, Gord looked as though he was going to say something. Then he curved his head towards his plate, picked up his fork again and started eating. He kept his head down, lifting his fork to his mouth again and again. Maybe he believed that if he ignored Colton, the problem would go away. Colton was smart. If they had been at home, someone would have run out of the room or there would have been yelling by now. Donna glanced around the restaurant. A family with three young children sat in a booth. A girl of around six years old leaned against the corner of the table. Braids framed her face as she concentrated on colouring with crayons, pressing down hard on the table. A blonde woman, her face puffy with weight from a recent pregnancy, nursed a baby while a man about her age spooned food into a toddler’s mouth. Donna remembered the noise and constant want of young children. How her body ached for sleep. How she loved them and resented them and their loud voices, sticky fingers, constant mood swings, and petty demands. But things were easier back then. Things were simpler when she had Abby and Al and years stretching ahead of her, years that promised a bright future. The future ahead looked dim.

An older farming couple sat a few booths down from the family. The man wore a dusty ball cap and the woman a blue windbreaker. The two of them sat in a companionable silence, raising soup spoons to their mouth almost in unison. The waitress came by to refill their coffee cups and the old woman smiled at her. She put her hand on her husband’s for a minute, and the two of them held hands. Donna felt a wave of longing for Abby and Al, followed by sadness. Would she and Gord end up being like those people? It was hard to think about the future, about being that old, when it felt like the world was trying to wipe them out.

She looked around the table. Everyone seemed to be off in their own world, concentrating on their plates. Lily’s hand was on Colton’s knee.

“What do you think about this?” she asked, addressing Lily.

“It’s what he wants to do,” Lily said. Donna had never noticed how blue her eyes were. “I don’t like it, but I have to let him do what he wants. He says it’s important to him.”

“We’re going to figure it out,” Colton said. “She’ll join me at some point and we’ll get married. Just need to see what happens after basic training. We’ll see how it plays out.”

Donna hadn’t touched her food. She wasn’t hungry, even though the food smelled good. She pushed the plate towards the centre of the table and reached for her wine glass. The wine tasted like it had gone off.

“Even though your dad would love to stop you from doing this, we can’t,” she said. “You’re old enough.”

Colton nodded.

“I just wish you hadn’t settled on this path,” she said, taking another sip of wine. It was definitely off.

Colton looked down at the table. “You don’t even like me.”

“How can you say that?” Donna said. “I’m your mother and I love you.”

The words felt hollow in her mouth.

Allyson, who had finished eating, pushed her plate away, pulled out a book and started reading at the table. Donna and Gord had stopped her from reading at the table in the past, but no one said anything about it this time. Donna’s stomach churned.

“Are we done here?” Gord asked, as he scraped his plate.

“I’m ready to go home,” Donna said.

“But you didn’t even eat anything,” Gord said.

“My stomach doesn’t feel so good,” Donna said. “I’ll get a doggie bag.”

“I’ll get the waitress,” Colton said, standing up.

After he paid, they all left the restaurant.

“Well,” Gord said to Colton, as he walked them to their truck. “Guess we’ll see you at home.”

Gord, Allyson and Donna got into the truck. As they drove away, Donna looked back at her son and his girlfriend as they stood on the street. She watched as the two figures got smaller and smaller, watched until she couldn’t see them anymore.