CHAPTER 15

The morning after Colton left, Donna came down for breakfast. Her face was puffy, and Allyson could tell she’d been crying. Allyson didn’t say anything about it; just glanced at her mother, then stuck her spoon back into her cereal.

Alyson spent a lot of time alone that fall. Jeff had contacted her on Messenger and apologized after the party and they’d ­chatted a bit. But they hadn’t done anything together. He’d ­apologized to her, but she wasn’t sure how to act around him anymore. They barely talked. The only person that Allyson really talked to was Amber, but she was busy practicing piano all the time, studying for her Royal Conservatory of Music exams. She wasn’t around very much.

Allyson couldn’t help but notice how much her mother was checking in on her since Ray Sharp’s death. A couple nights after Allyson had found out how he’d died, her mom came into her room and asked her if she wanted to talk about it. Allyson didn’t have the words to express how she was feeling inside and how dark and sad she felt because of Ray’s death.

Her mom sat down on the bed next to her and sighed.

“This is tough stuff,” she said.

“Is Dad going to be okay?” Allyson asked, studying her mother’s face. “I mean, he was the one who found him.”

Her mother was worried about her dad. Allyson could tell by the way her mom looked at him at the dinner table. She knew her mom talked about her dad to Pam or Clay on the phone. She couldn’t always hear what was discussed because Donna typically went into another room to talk, but she could hear the tone of her voice and the rise and fall of her words.

Her mother looked down at her hands. “I don’t know,” she said. She turned to look at her daughter’s face.

“I’m worried about him, Allyson. He’s been through so much.”

Allyson sat up, crawled across the bed and gave her mother a hug. At least her mother was honest. She wasn’t trying to pretend she wasn’t worried, that there wasn’t something deeply wrong with her father. Allyson didn’t know how to talk about how she felt inside, about the big pit of darkness growing inside her all the time.

“Ray’s death is sad,” she said, and the words sounded stupid and babyish even to her.

“I know,” her mom said. “I think so too.”

They hugged for a few minutes. Then Allyson told her mother she was tired and wanted to go to sleep. She just wanted to be alone.

In the weeks after he’d left, Colton phoned a few times. Allyson still couldn’t believe he had joined the military. The last time he phoned, she heard her mom asking him what he was doing.

“He sounds like he’s fine,” her mom said to her dad after she hung up the phone.

“Maybe this was what he needed to get his life together,” Gord said.

The last time Allyson had been to Joe’s with her dad and the other farmers, she saw Lily walking around the restaurant, wiping tables, looking aimless. Allyson had never had much use for Lily, but she waved at her anyway. Allyson left the men at their table and went to sit at the back booth, where she usually met Jeff. There was no sign of him.

“Have you heard from Colton?” Allyson asked, when Lily came over to the table.

“He calls and he sends email when he has access to a computer,” Lily said. “We talk a few times a week. Things are going well. I’m going to go visit him soon.”

Allyson started to rifle though her backpack, pretending to look for a book, so she didn’t have to talk any more.

“Do you need anything?” Lily asked. “Another pop?”

“No, thanks,” Allyson said.

*

Clay and Chloe were home for Thanksgiving weekend. The families had planned to go to the lodge to have dinner with Abby. When Clay arrived, Allyson joined him on a trail ride around the back forty. She hadn’t been on a trail ride in a long time. She used to ride with Chloe before things changed between them, or with her dad before Grandpa Al died. Her dad was even busier since Colton left. They hadn’t bred many cattle this year, but there were still calves to wean. Allyson hated this time, hated the bawling of the animals, the frantic cries of the calves when they were separated from their mothers. The only person who hated it more than she did was Donna. She said the bawling of the calves reminded her of babies crying. During weaning week, her mother spent more time in town. She stayed late at work, or went to visit Mary Anne. She never fessed up to these habits, but everyone in the family knew.

It was good to have Clay back. Hanging out with him and riding over the trails together made Allyson feel more relaxed than she had in weeks. She watched her brother’s back. How many times had she looked up at him in front of her and felt safe? He was the one leading the way, the one who could make everything better. The air was cold and crisp as they rode along the path.

“It’s so quiet here with Colton gone,” she said, as Clay stopped Temple on the top of a hill so he could look at the cows. Temple’s brown eyes surveyed the scene as she nickered and then put her head down for a few bites of grass. Gord had owned Temple for years, and loved her. Clay stroked her mane with one hand, and turned back to look at his sister.

“I bet,” Clay said. “Less stress for Mom and Dad, but another pair of hands gone.”

“I’ve been trying to help more,” Allyson said.

Clay squinted at her. “You should come visit me in the city if you need a break. I’d try to get home more, but I just have so much work to do for school. Makes it hard to get away.”

He gave Temple a kick and they started back towards the house.

Back at the barn, Clay hopped off Temple. She dismounted from Crow, and started getting ready to put the horses away.

“Who knows how long this will go on?” Clay said. “And the thing is, it’s never going to be the same as before. At least the aid package should be coming soon. That’s what Dad said.”

They brushed the horses and put their tack away. Allyson and her brother led the horses into their pen and Clay gave them a fresh bale of hay. As they ate, Allyson stroked the sides of Temple’s face, admiring the animal’s lovely blonde colour and her huge dark eyes. There was something calming about being around the horses, the cats and the dogs. Maybe she’d come out to the barn and draw the horses later.

“How are Mom and Dad doing without Colton?” Clay asked as they started towards the house.

Allyson shrugged. “Fine, I guess. They’ve talked to him a few times.”

“He called me when he was thinking about signing up,” Clay said, raising his hand to scratch his nose. “I told him to go for it.”

“Why?” Allyson said. Her brother’s face was shaded by the brim of his cowboy hat.

“He was lost,” Clay said. “If he stayed here, he’d just end up working at the mechanic shop for his whole life. He’d knock Lily up and have to marry her. He wanted something. I could hear it when I talked to him.”

“But he could get killed,” Allyson said. “Or he could kill somebody.”

Clay shook his head. “It’ll be a long time before he gets sent anywhere. Besides, what else does he have to do?”

“He could have gone to work in the patch,” Allyson said.

“He’d make scads of money, but he’d end up a caveman like Booger. This way is better. He’ll get to learn about the world. Get out, like I did.”

Maggie ran up, and Clay leaned over and scratched her behind the ears.

“Don’t worry,” he said to Allyson. “You’ll get out of here. I know how badly you want to leave, how being on the farm is sort of killing you. The world will still be there by the time you’re done high school. Maybe by that time I’ll be thinking about coming back to the farm.”

He looked towards Craig and Linda’s house.

“What time did they say Chloe was coming? Today or tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow morning,” Allyson said. “She wanted to spend Friday night in the city.”

Chloe hadn’t even called Allyson to talk to her since she’d left. Linda had been over a few times, and Allyson had overheard her aunt and her mother talking about how her cousin was doing. She was loving the city, making lots of friends and taking a great course in animal science. This sounded more interesting than Allyson’s life. All she did was go to school, practice her trumpet, watch TV and read. Sometimes she went to Joe’s diner or the library. Boring compared to the adventures Chloe was having in the city.

“It’s going to be weird to have Thanksgiving at the lodge,” Clay said. “But I guess there’s a first time for everything.”

Allyson wasn’t looking forward to eating at the lodge. The lodge creeped her out. Some of the female residents were nice and asked her questions when they saw her, but many of them spent a lot of time staring into space, nodding off in their wheelchairs. People moved and talked slowly, and some of them sat and stared into space, like upright corpses. Whenever Allyson was there, her chest felt tight. The corner of the lodge that housed the dementia patients frightened her the most. She’d ended up in that ward one day by accident and had seen a woman sitting in a chair, rocking back and forth and wailing. Another man had a puzzle in front of him and he jammed the puzzle pieces against one another, unable to make the pieces fit together. She’d turned and fled back to Abby’s room, where she had stayed until her dad was ready to leave. Since then, she never left Abby’s room whenever she was at the lodge for a visit.

*

It was mid-afternoon on Saturday by the time Chloe’s car came barrelling into the yard. Allyson was in the front room reading when the car pulled up and Chloe got out. Allyson could see that she’d cut her hair to her chin and coloured it a dark, reddish purple that made her look like something out of The Matrix.

Chloe saw Allyson in the window and waved. Allyson waved back. Chloe gestured to her to come outside. The dogs came up to greet Chloe and she crouched and embraced them as they jumped on her, trying to lick her face. Allyson went to the door, put on her shoes and went outside.

Chloe stood up when she saw her.

“Hey,” she said. When she got close enough to her cousin, she could smell a new perfume. Her cousin smelled musky, a sharp scent like an old book that had been left in an attic.

“Did you get a new perfume?” Allyson asked.

“Sandalwood,” Chloe said.

“I like your hair.”

Chloe touched the ends of her hair, then moved away from Allyson and walked to the trunk of the car. She popped the trunk and pulled out a suitcase and a large duffel bag, and then looked around the farm.

“Everything here looks the same,” she said. “It feels like I’ve been gone forever.”

“The only thing that’s really changed is that Colton is gone,” Allyson said.

“He’s called me from the base a few times to talk,” Chloe said. “Seems he’s doing okay.”

Allyson felt a sting in her stomach, like someone had poked her with a sharp finger. She wasn’t even talking to her cousin and her brother and cousin were talking? She didn’t even know what she would say to Colton if he asked to talk to her, but learning this news still hurt.

“I can take the duffel,” Allyson said as she picked it up. The duffel weighed a ton. What had her cousin packed? It wasn’t like she was going on a trip to a foreign country. They had everything here.

Allyson followed Chloe as she walked towards Craig and Linda’s. The dogs, happy to see Chloe, ran beside them, tails wagging. The group only walked a few steps before the door to Linda and Craig’s house was flung open and Linda came hurrying out.

“I thought I heard your car,” said Linda, as she grabbed her daughter in a bear hug. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Chloe hugged back. “Where’s Dad?”

“Went to town for something or other,” she said. “But he’s excited about you coming home.”

Linda reached out her hand and grabbed a piece of Chloe’s hair. “Honey,” she said. “Oh, your beautiful hair.”

“I didn’t think you would like it,” Chloe said. “Jamie did it for me.”

“But your natural hair is so pretty,” Linda said. “Your dad is not going to like this.”

“It’s not his hair,” Chloe said.

“Let’s not start off like this,” Linda said, frowning. “We all want to have a nice Thanksgiving.”

Chloe turned towards the house. “Are you going to come in?” she asked Allyson.

Allyson hesitated. She didn’t want to hear about Chloe’s amazing life, while she was stuck on the farm with the adults. She knew how this would go. Chloe would tell her about all the fun things she was doing, and the people she had met and Allyson would have nothing to say.

“Your mom probably wants to talk to you alone,” Allyson said. “I’ll catch up with you later.”

She turned and walked back towards her own house. Her mother was at work, and Clay had gone into town to help her dad with something. She spent the rest of the afternoon in her room re-reading Nancy Drew books. Nancy Drew would have known what to do if she was stuck on some boring farm out in Alberta. There would be a mystery to uncover. Some town intrigue would lead to a wild and wacky adventure. Nancy Drew never spent hours in her room, reading and drawing. Allyson put the book down and picked up her drawing pad. She started to doodle, drawing curlicues around the edge of the page. Soon the curlicues transformed into a dark, menacing tree leaning against her grandparents’ house. For the past year, everything she drew turned dark and dangerous. Her pen was possessed and these images needed to get out. Allyson ran her pencil down the sides of the tree and added some shading. Then she lay down on her bed and closed her eyes. The next thing she knew, Clay was in her room, saying her name.

“We need to go soon,” he said. “Time to get ready.”

Allyson rubbed her bleary eyes. “Do I need to get dressed up?”

“Not really,” Clay said. He ruffled her hair. “But you might want to brush your hair. It’s tangled.”

“Can I get a ride with you?” Allyson asked.

Clay nodded. “Be ready in a few minutes.”

*

Clay was waiting in his truck when she came outside, his stereo blaring pop music.

“What is this?” she asked, pointing to the stereo.

“Tatu,” he said. “Great dance music.”

Allyson turned it down as Clay started the truck and they drove down the driveway and out to the road. The music had moved on to some woman singing about how her milkshake brought all the boys to the yard.

“You’ve been listening to some weird music lately,” Allyson said. Clay just smiled and turned the stereo back up.

“Here goes nothing,” Clay said as he pulled into the lodge parking lot. Inside the dining room, Craig, Linda, Chloe, Gord and Donna were seated at a table with Abby, who had a pink, white and lavender knitted afghan draped over her knees. Abby had made it herself a few years ago.

“Nice to see you, Gramma,” Clay said, moving forward to kiss Abby on the cheek. Abby smiled a small, wan smile and reached up her good hand to pat Clay on the cheek. Allyson walked over and patted her grandma’s frozen hand in greeting, but Abby only had eyes for Clay. Donna gestured to the two empty chairs at the end of the table. The large cafeteria-style kitchen was decorated with pumpkins, paper leaves and paper turkeys that reminded Allyson of preschool. She half expected to see turkeys created out of the residents’ handprints. When you became old, you got treated like a preschooler. She took a seat at the end of the table and Clay sat down beside her.

“We’re going to go up and get our food in the cafeteria line,” Donna said, leaning across the table. “Normally they bring the food to the residents, but with so many people, they want us to go up and serve ourselves.”

Allyson looked around at the other tables. There were some large families like hers, but there were smaller tables as well. Some of the tables only held three people. Allyson wondered what it was like to come from a three-person family. At least Abby had lots of people who could visit her. Clay bumped Allyson’s knee with his own and smiled at her. A young woman with bleached blonde hair and dark roots came over to their table. Allyson recognized her as a lodge staff member.

“You can go serve yourselves now,” she said. “If you’re ready to go.”

“I’ll make up a plate for Abby,” Linda said as she got up. The family went to stand in the long line. As Allyson moved down the line, women wearing hairnets served her a big dollop of mashed potatoes, warmed frozen vegetables with peas, corn and perfectly cubed squares of carrots, a bun, coleslaw, gravy and turkey. Her mother’s food would taste better, but what could they do? Both of her parents felt guilty about abandoning Abby on so many other holidays over the past year. So here they were, eating mediocre food in a cafeteria with a bunch of sad souls.

Staff members had placed big pitchers of red Kool-Aid and water on the tables. Allyson reached for the Kool-Aid and poured some into a plastic glass.

“I’ll have some too,” Clay said, pushing a Styrofoam cup toward her.

“Can someone say grace?” Abby asked. Craig started, saying what they all had to be thankful for. As his voice droned on, Allyson thought about how wrong he was. What did they have to be thankful for? Al was dead. They didn’t have any money. Colton was gone, and her family were ghosts of the people they had once been. Maybe she should be thankful that she could read. That was something to be thankful for.

“Amen,” Craig said and Allyson bowed her head a little, trying to pretend she had been listening.

“Chloe, honey, didn’t you get a drumstick?” her mother asked, looking over at her cousin’s plate.

Everyone knew drumsticks were Chloe’s favourite. Whenever they had a dinner, one of the drumsticks was saved for Al and the other for Chloe.

Before Chloe could answer, Craig spoke. “Our daughter says she’s a vegetarian now.”

“For crying out loud,” Abby said. “Why would you do a thing like that?”

“I’ve just been thinking about it,” Chloe said as she lifted peas and carrots onto her fork. “Killing animals is wrong.”

“Never mind that it’s how her family makes a living,” Craig said. “All of a sudden it’s not good enough for you.”

He picked up his knife and started sawing away at a piece of turkey. “Never thought I’d have to say that my daughter has become a hippie vegetarian. Just embarrassing.”

Gord giggled a little and everyone looked at him. “She eats like k.d. lang,” he said.

“Not quite,” Chloe said, as she drew her fork through her mashed potatoes.

Allyson concentrated on her food as her family chattered around her. The potatoes and meat were dry and the vegetables tasted like cardboard. Some celebration, she thought.

“Hey everybody,” Craig said. “Abby’s got something to say. We need you all to listen.”

Gord straightened up and look toward his mother. Donna reached out for Gord’s hand. Allyson could tell that they were expecting big news, and it wouldn’t necessarily be something good.

“Right now, the farm is in my name,” Abby said. “Since Al didn’t have a will, everything went to me. But Craig and I have been talking a lot and I’ve decided that I’m going to transfer everything to him and Linda. They’re going to be the owners of the farm,” she said. “The only thing that’s got to be done is that we’ve got to sign all of the paperwork.”

Craig looked at Gord. Gord’s face turned white and then flushed to red. Gord let go of Donna’s hand and gripped the table with both hands.

“This won’t change anything,” Craig said to Gord. “You’ll still be farming the land and everything will stay the same. It’s just that I’ll be the owner.”

“What in the hell?” Gord said. “I can’t believe you went behind my back to arrange this all with Mom.”

Donna put her hand on Gord’s shoulder, but he shook it off and stood up.

“Just makes sense,” Craig said. “We talked about it and discussed it with the lawyer. It just comes down the fact that Linda and I can be more of a team on the farm. With you and Donna, there’s just you. Donna’s not involved.”

Donna stared down at her lap and hunched down, as if she was shrinking into herself.

“But I’m the one who is more involved in the day-to-day operations,” Gord said. The wheedling tone in his voice reminded Allyson of her own voice when she tried to convince her ­parents they were wrong about something.

“I’m the oldest,” Gord said. “It should have been mine.”

“This was Mom’s decision,” Craig said. “We talked about it with her and the lawyers and this is what she decided.”

“Are you sure this was her decision?” Gord said. He wasn’t yelling, but his voice was loud enough that people at other tables were starting to look at him. “Were you behind her, pulling the strings? Did the two of you bully her into this?”

“Lower your voice,” Craig said sternly. “You’re making a scene.”

Donna reached for Gord’s arm, trying to get him to sit down, but he brushed her off.

“I can’t believe you did this without us,” Gord said. “We’re supposed to be a team. If Dad knew about this, he’d lose his mind.”

Craig glanced at Clay. “Right now, Linda and I are going to be the actual owners, but nothing else is going to change. You’ll still make the same amount of money. You’ll still have some control. It’s more of a legal thing, really. Just some paperwork.”

“It’s not like that at all,” Gord said. “What I see is you going behind my back. And now you’ll be the owner and I’ll be the employee.”

“Dad was the owner before,” Craig said. “You’ve always been the employee. If Dad hadn’t messed up the finances and the cattle crisis hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t be in such dire straits. But it’s Dad’s fault. He was stupid.”

For a minute, it looked as though Gord was going to walk out of the room, and then he turned towards Craig, walked over to the other side of the table and grabbed Craig by the collar. His movements were so fast that no one in the family had time to react. They could only watch as Gord pulled Craig toward him and punched him in the face.

“Oh my god!” Linda screamed. “Stop it, just stop.”

“Don’t talk about Dad like that,” Gord said, holding Craig by the collar. “Don’t blame your greed and your need for control on our father.” Craig struggled and he pulled his arms free and punched Gord. The entire dining room stared at the Klassen family. The sounds of chatter and eating had stopped as everyone turned in their direction. Allyson wished she had a portable hole to escape into.

Clay stood up, encircled his father in a bear hug and pinned his arms to his chest.

“Dad, you need to stop,” he said. “We can’t do this.” Linda stood up and tried to position her body in between Craig and Gord. Gord attempted get out of Clay’s grasp, but Clay was stronger. One of the hospital staff, a big, burly man, rushed over to help. Gord struggled against the orderly and Clay, breathing hard, snorting like a bull. Craig moved away and stood across the room, glaring at Gord.

Donna finally stood up. She was shaking. “I’m going to make sure your father gets home,” she said to Allyson and Clay. “We’ll meet you back at the house. We might stop for a drink if your father needs one. Take as long as you need.”

She looked at the orderly. “Just walk us to the front and we’ll leave now.”

The orderly was still holding Gord’s arms behind his back. Allyson heard the heavy, wet sound of her father’s breathing.

Donna gave Linda and Craig a dirty look.

“What you did was low,” she said. “Just low. That’s no way for family to treat each other.”

She turned and walked out of the cafeteria, following Gord and the orderly. As they neared the doorway, the orderly released Gord’s arms. Donna caught up to them and Allyson watched as her parents disappeared down the hallway. At the end of the table, Abby sobbed, her good hand over her face.

“Look what we’ve become,” she said.

Linda leaned over her wheelchair and said something into her ear.

“Clay, I need to get out of here,” Allyson said.

Clay stood up and looked at Craig. “I know I’m not supposed to talk back to you because you’re my uncle and I’m supposed to respect you and all that crap, but what you’ve done is horrible. You just kicked a man when he’s down. You didn’t even talk to him about joint partnership. It’s like you just want to screw up the farm.”

Clay touched Allyson on the arm. “Let’s go,” he said.

He turned and started towards the hallway, not bothering to say goodbye to anyone. Allyson followed him out to the truck. Outside, she gulped the cold air into her lungs. The air had a bite to it, as if it was trying to warn them that snow would be coming soon. Waves of adrenaline coursed through her body.

“Screw Uncle Craig,” Clay said as he opened the truck.

Allyson scanned the parking lot, looking for her parents’ truck, but it was already gone.

“I just need to sit here for a minute and calm down,” Clay said.

He grabbed the steering wheel and stared straight ahead. “I can’t believe Uncle Craig did that to Dad. It might just kill him.”

Allyson hadn’t eaten a lot at dinner, but those words made her stomach hurt, like she might throw up. What would happen to them if her dad died?”

“Want to go get some fries?” Clay said. “I’m kind of hungry. Let’s go find a burger or something.”

“Sure,” Allyson said, and Clay started up the truck.