CHAPTER 17

When Allyson came home from school after band practice, her dad was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a coffee and reading The Western Producer. Linda had picked Allyson up at school, which was unusual. When Allyson walked out into the school yard, carrying her trumpet case, Linda was waiting in the truck.

Gord looked up from his paper, and Allyson started at the sight of his face. His lip was cut and swollen, his eye bruised black.

“Dad, what happened to you?” she asked, her voice loud with alarm.

Her mom came into the room. She had been waiting in the doorway.

“There was a major incident today,” she said, her voice so calm that it was scary. She told Allyson about how Gord had shot the cattle.

Allyson looked at her father. “Dad, are you okay?”

Her father shook his heavy head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Allyson turned away from him, and ran back out to the yard, abandoning her backpack and her trumpet case in the kitchen. She heard her mother’s footsteps behind her, but she didn’t stop. Outside in the yard, she saw Doug Miller, wearing coveralls that were splattered with blood. Phil Hill stood beside him.

“I wouldn’t come any closer if I were you,” he said, but Allyson didn’t listen. She saw the blood on the snow, the bodies of the cattle lying down, their red hides still and lifeless.

Doug Miller was beside her now, his heavy breath making fog in the air. Allyson wasn’t wearing a jacket, and the cold was biting.

“It could happen to any of us,” Doug said, touching her into the arm. “He just didn’t want to feed them any more. We’ve got to clean up this mess.”

As Allyson watched, the men loaded the bodies onto the flat bed of a truck. Craig was helping too. She turned around, shivering and stormed back into the house.

“Dad,” she yelled, when she got back inside. “Why did you do it?”

Her mother stood in the doorway of the front room, her face drawn and tired.

“He lost it,” her mom said.

“I’ll say,” said Allyson, and she sank down onto the couch. She couldn’t take this anymore. Her dad shooting the animals he loved, her mom, looking so broken and out of it. She thought of Chloe and Clay in the city, away from all this. How she wished she could escape, far away from the farm and this madness. The constant ache, the closed border and all of the pain.

Her mother patted her on the hair, but Allyson jerked away. She stomped back up to the kitchen, where her dad was still sitting with the newspaper.

“What is wrong with you?” she asked him. “Everything is falling apart.”

Her dad looked up at her, and suddenly she was afraid. She could see everything that had happened to them in the past year.

“Dad,” she said, putting her small hand on his worn, leathery one, his nails tinged with dirt and blood. “Don’t be like Ray.”

He looked into her eyes. “Allyson, I won’t,” he said. “I would never do that to you.” And without saying anything else, he leaned forward and gave her a hug. He smelled like Old Spice, metal and coffee. She had so many questions, but she felt that if she started asking them, she would never be able to stop.

She heard the door open and Phil and Doug clomped into the house. She heard them kick off their boots and come up the stairs.

“I’ve got some lasagna in the fridge,” Donna said as the men came into the room. “In case you boys are hungry.”

“I’d love some,” Doug Miller said. “I sure do love your cooking.”

“I’m not hungry,” Allyson said. She grabbed her trumpet case and backpack and escaped up to her room.

She snuck into Clay’s room, and listened to the noises in the kitchen. She could hear the sound of the microwave beeping, and Phil making small talk, asking about Colton and talking about the Oilers. Her dad gave one-word answers, as if talking was too much effort.

She wondered what Craig’s version of the events would be, and what he would say. How crazy it would have been to see her dad out in the yard with a rifle, shooting the cattle. How easily something could have gone wrong, and ended badly. The worry in her was like a gnat, buzzing around her skull. It was so deep inside her that she couldn’t even figure out how to swat at it. Her mother was talking now, her voice low. But it didn’t sound as soothing as Allyson remembered. There was an edge to it, as though she was merely speaking lines.

“Let’s watch the game,” she heard Phil say. From down in the kitchen, Allyson heard the sounds of the table being cleared, and footsteps as the men retreated to the family room. She could almost smell the lasagna. Maybe she was hungry after all. But if she went downstairs, she’d have to face everyone and she couldn’t deal with that. She needed to get out of here, go somewhere else. See the one person she wanted to talk to. Sitting in her bedroom, she knew what she would do.

Allyson stayed in her room, drawing and reading. She was glad that she had learned Clay’s address, and that she knew where he lived in the city. When it got dark and she couldn’t hear any movement and she felt like everyone had gone to bed, she snuck down to the front door. She had already packed a bag. The door creaked when she opened it, so she had to be fast. But a minute later she was outside, standing in the snow. The key was still in her father’s truck. She started it up, half expecting her mother and father to turn on the lights, and come out after her.

“Please,” she said quietly to herself. “Please.” Adrenaline surged through her body. Finally, she could get away, and have a talk with her brother. Get off this farm, where her dad was doing crazy things like shooting perfectly good cattle. Get away from the grey ghost of her parents, the spectre of her grandparents. She fumbled around for the lights on the vehicle. The ­headlights lit up the yard. She held her breath as she started the truck.

She thought about stopping and looking at the pen again. But there was no time for that now. She pulled the truck out of the yard, and headed down the highway.

As she drove down the road, Allyson tried not to think about how she’d just basically stolen her father’s truck. Colton had done this a number of times when he was younger. Both she and Clay knew about it. She drove toward town, feeling strangely victorious. She was free.

She loved listening to music in the truck, but she was afraid to turn on the radio. Thank God it was a clear night. Her grandfather had warned her about all the dangers of driving in storms, and she’d been in a few bad storms herself. She was a country girl after all.

Ahead of her, she could see the lights of the town looming in the distance. All she had to do was come over the hill, and the lights would light up the horizon, like miniature lights on a Christmas tree. She had loved that view when she was a child, soaring through the darkness in the truck, warm and safe next to her grandparents. How she longed for that now. And then she was over the hill, and in town. She drove past the 7-Eleven, hoping no one would see her. What if she got reported? That was one of the things about living in such a tiny place. You were bound to see someone you knew. She thought about abandoning the truck and taking the bus, but there was a bigger chance that someone would see. News travelled fast, and someone would ask her where she was going. If anyone asked, she wouldn’t be able to lie or tell them with a straight face. So she drove on. She had gone this way so many times. The highway signs were easy to read and the markers were clear. She merged onto the main road to the city. There wasn’t a lot of traffic tonight. Why would anyone be driving to town on a school night? The highway stretched ahead of her, open and clear. She could go anywhere she wanted. Why hadn’t she done this before?

A pair of eyes flickered on the side of the road in the ditch. It was a deer. She’d been in the truck once when Clay had hit one. She concentrated, pushing down the thoughts of her parents back at home. The faces that popped into her mind were Chloe’s and Jeff’s. Would she and Jeff ever talk again? She missed his friendship. What would be different between them if she hadn’t seen him drunk that night? Sometimes she thought about kissing him, about running her hands through his hair. She squelched the thought from her mind and concentrated on driving. Soon enough, she would be in the city. She’d travelled this route so many times in her life as a passenger. One day, she would move to a city and not have to leave. There would be no reason to go back to the farm, with its depressing history and her parents, stone-faced and serious. She’d have her own place in the city. She wouldn’t have to live with the scent of cattle in the air. The face of one of the dead cows came to her, and she saw it again, its tongue lolling out of its mouth, its eyes open. Its body crippled and broken and surrounded by the heavy whiteness of the snow.

The lights of the city approached and she panicked. She wasn’t legal to drive. The traffic was getting heavier, and suddenly it was all around her. A car filled with a bunch of boys leered at her. Maybe they could tell she was underage. Perhaps she shouldn’t be driving in the city by herself. What if she got the truck into an accident? What if she died? Would that be what her parents needed, after they’d been through so much shit? She pictured her funeral. Would Chloe even bother to come? It would probably kill Gramma Abby. Who knew what would happen? Maybe she should pull over and call Clay.

She pressed the turn signal and shoulder checked, the way she’d seen her mother do. A large hauler was behind her. She could see that it was full of cattle. Well, as least someone was moving them.

A cab almost hit her, and she shook and held up her hand as if she was protecting her head. There was a 7-Eleven on the side of the road and she almost cried as she pulled into the lot. She drove the truck up to a parking space and stopped. For a second, she couldn’t believe what she had done. Her parents, if they were awake, would be worried. What would happen to them? Did they know that she had taken the truck?

What time was it? Her mom must have awakened in the middle of the night. She didn’t really sleep well, although she’d been taking more sleeping pills. Would they have gone to her room and seen that she wasn’t there? Maybe her dad would have noticed. Or the dogs. But there was only one person she wanted to call now, and that was Clay. She wrapped her parka tighter around herself and got out of the car. An old homeless man immediately approached her.

“Got any change?” he said.

She looked down, feeling embarrassed. The man followed her for a while, but she looked away, intent on finding a pay phone. Finally, she found one around the corner of the store, and made her way over to it. With shaking hands, she fumbled through her wallet. A woman walked around the corner and Allyson jumped. She hadn’t expected to see anyone else. The woman gave her a dirty look and continued on. Allyson shoved the quarter in the slot of the phone and dialed her brother’s number. Thank God, she knew it by heart.

The phone rang once, twice, and she prayed that he was there. What if he wasn’t? What would she do then? She looked out onto the street. A woman driving by looked suspiciously like Mabel Jacobson, and Allyson pulled up her hood, covering her face. If Mabel saw her, everyone back in town would know she was gone in two seconds.

“Hello,” she heard on the phone. She didn’t recognize the voice.

“Can I speak to Clay?”

“Who is this?” the voice said, and she hoped she hadn’t misdialed.

The man from the front of the store walked by again.

“It’s Clay’s sister, Allyson,” she said. “Can I talk to him?”

The man looked at her and smiled. She waved at him, and then turned her back. She said the only thing that came to her mind. “It’s an emergency,” she said, and then it sounded like the phone hit the ground. After what seemed like an eternity, she could hear her brother’s voice on the line.

“Hello,” he said, and she felt bad for waking him.

“Clay,” she said. “I’m in town. I drove here.”

“You aren’t legal yet.”

“I know,” she said. “I had to escape. Did you hear what happened at the farm today?”

There was a long silence.

“So you left Mom and Dad and drove here?”

The man approached her and tapped her on the shoulder.

“Got any change?” he said.

She shook her head. “No.”

Clay sounded exasperated. “What’s happening?”

“I wasn’t talking to you. There’s a guy bothering me for money.”

Clay sighed.

She whispered into the phone. “Come get me, and quick.”

“Where are you?”

“At 7-Eleven.”

She realized then that she didn’t know the address, so she asked the man. He gave her an address, which she repeated to Clay. He told her he would be able to find it, and she should expect him in about half an hour. She hung up, rifled through her wallet and gave the man a couple dollars. She went back to the truck and waited for what seemed like a long time. Eventually, she could see Clay in his truck. As the truck approached, she could make out the shape of a person wearing a turban beside him. Arjun.

She got out of the truck and stood in front of it. As Clay drove up, she waved at him. He parked in the spot beside her and got out.

“I’ve called Mom and Dad,” he said. “They know you’re here.”

He gave her a hug, but she could tell he was angry at her. “They know you took the truck,” he said. “They’re just glad you got here in one piece. What the hell were you thinking?”

She felt small before him. One harsh word and she was a toddler all over again. The wind was starting to pick up and it was cold against her face.

“I needed to get away,” she said. “Did you hear about Dad and the cattle? I feel like they’ve all gone crazy.”

“Yeah, and you taking off didn’t help them any,” Clay sighed. “Get back in the truck. I’m going to drive it, and Arjun is going to take mine back home.”

Allyson looked over at Arjun and he gave her a little salute, a tip of his hand to his turban.

Her backpack was starting to get heavy.

Without speaking, she went to the truck and got back into the passenger seat.

“I don’t like to think about what could have happened to you,” Clay said. “What if someone had caught you driving? Like the police? That might do Grandma Abby in.”

Allyson was silent. This was not how she had pictured her reunion with her brother. He started the truck, waved across at Arjun and pulled out of the parking lot.

She looked out the window at the city as they drove. How wonderful it would be to live here, where you could go out and see so many different things every day. Nothing like the boring old countryside, with just farms full of cattle and endless space. They drove by a strip club and she looked away. She was more interested in the Chapters, the Lebanese restaurant and the comic book store. It seemed like they were driving forever before she recognized where she was.

They went across a bridge which she recognized as the High Level. She’d been over it a million times before, when she visited Clay with her parents. She was glad that she had called him to come get her. The intersections going across the bridge were confusing. There was no way she could have made this trip by herself.

“I understand why you wanted to get away,” Clay said, finally as he pulled in front of a small house in the university area. “I mean, the whole thing with the cattle, it sounds crazy. Mom told me all about it.”

Gord had woken up in the night, and had gone out in the yard, he said. But he hadn’t even known that Allyson had taken off or taken the truck until Clay phoned to tell them.

“Mom was pretty angry,” Clay said. “She started crying. She was worried about you driving in the dark by yourself. I can’t believe you would do that to her. She’s got enough on her plate to worry about without worrying about you too.”

Allyson opened her mouth to protest, but one look at her brother’s face told her it was the wrong thing to do. She looked behind her, and watched as Arjun parked behind them.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“It’s okay,” Clay said, putting his hand on her shoulder and giving her a squeeze. “I probably would have done the same thing.”

She leaned into him and gave him a hug. He still smelled the same, like that Calvin Klein scent he was so proud of. He hugged her back and then ruffled her hair.

“I told Mom and Dad you can stay for a few days,” he said. “I’ll take care of you here. You can hide out.”

“Thank you,” she said, and buried her nose in the side of his parka. She felt relieved, and alive, like she’d finally moved from a world that was grey into a world full of colour. She would be able to relax in the city, a place where no one would notice her and she would blend in. She felt a twinge of guilt because she’d left her family behind, but she pushed it down. Chloe wouldn’t have felt a thing if she was in her position.

“Let’s get inside,” Clay said. “I’ll make some tea and then we’ll go to bed. It’s late.”

She undid her seatbelt, jumped out of the truck and followed him into the house. Arjun was waiting inside when she entered.

“I’m going to leave the two of you alone,” he said. “I have a feeling that you might have a few family things to discuss and I don’t want to get in the way.”

Clay nodded at him.

“You can put your stuff in my room,” he said to Allyson. “You know where that is right?”

She nodded. His words were curt and she was afraid to say anything else to him. She wouldn’t be able to handle it if he started yelling at her.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t have come.”

“Well, you’re here now. I told Mom and Dad that you could stay for a few days. I understand the need to get away. I can barely handle it out there. Why do you think I’ve been spending so much time in the city?”

She could feel the shadow of a smile creeping onto her lips, but she bit it back. At that moment, she was glad she had driven to the city. Time with her brother would make her feel better.

“I know you probably want to talk about some things,” Clay said, as he hung up his coat and took off his boots. “But I don’t want to do that right now. I just want a cup of tea and to go to bed.”

She nodded, scared to say anything else. She followed Clay into the kitchen and watched as he made her a cup of peppermint tea. He handed the Co-op mug to her, and she smiled. He must have nicked it from home. She looked at the clock. It was about midnight. She listened. She could hear some music, it sounded like Moby, coming from Arjun’s room down the hall.

Clay sighed. “It’s been a long day,” he said.

Allyson had one question. “How long can I stay?”

Clay ran his hand through his hair and leaned against the kitchen counter. “I told Mom that you could stay here three days. You can’t miss too much school.”

Allyson opened her mouth to complain, but then shut it. Instead, she sipped her tea. It was comforting.

“You know where the bathroom is and everything,” Clay said. “I’ll get you some clean towels.”

She sat in the kitchen as her brother left and returned with a set of blue towels.

“Thanks,” she said.

“I’m going to hit the hay,” Clay said. “I’ve got a long day coming up tomorrow. Classes and work. But we’ll go out for dinner, and talk or something. Whyte’s right there. You can do whatever you want.”

“Okay,” Allyson said. She listened as her brother went into the bathroom. She could hear the sound of the water running, and his toothbrush swishing back and forth. After a few minutes, she finished her tea and wandered down the hall to Clay’s bedroom.

This wasn’t quite what she had pictured. She had hoped that Clay would be glad to see her. She thought about Chloe. Maybe she should meet up with her tomorrow. But what would she say? The last time she’d seen Chloe, she’d attacked her. Did she know about the cattle?

Standing in Clay’s room, Allyson couldn’t stop thinking about her dad and the dead cattle. How scared her mom must have been when the gun went off. For some reason, she thought of the grain elevator coming down. How it had looked over the town, and been standing there for years. And then all it took was a couple good swings from a bulldozer, and it was toppled and destroyed forever. Like Jeff had gone down after Booger’s fist met his face.

She put on her jams and got into her brother’s bed. It was covered in a warm green and red plaid quilt. She turned out the bedside lamp, and tried to get to sleep. But her thoughts were like gnats, buzzing around her head and sleep would not come.

She listened, trying to hear what she could from the other rooms. But all she could hear was quiet, and the creak of the house. There were footsteps and the sound of Clay and Arjun talking to each other. She couldn’t make out what they were saying, and then things got quiet again. She was alone, and she couldn’t quite remember why she had left the sanctuary of her room to spend a night alone at her brother’s.

She turned on the light so she could look through her brother’s bookshelf. He had turned her on to so many books. She stood up and padded across the floor. Looked at the pictures on the top of his bookshelf. There was a school picture of her from a few years ago. She looked like a dork. She looked at the picture of Colton and wondered how he was doing. She let her eyes rest on the picture of Grandpa Al and Abby for a second, before she looked away. What would they say about this whole mess?

She scanned through her brother’s bookshelf. There were a few of his old favourites here. A Louis L’Amour? What was he doing with that? The Lord of the Flies. Her eyes settled on a copy of Neil Gaiman’s American Gods. Jackpot! She remembered Clay telling her about it at Christmas. It must have slipped her mind, because she hadn’t gotten around to requesting it from the library. She pulled the book out of the bookcase and tiptoed back to bed, opening the book after she slid under the covers. But as she tilted the book up to read it, photographs tucked inside fell out onto the bedspread.

There was her brother with his arm around Arjun. A second picture showed the two of them with their faces close together, smiling at one another. And in a third one, they were kissing. This was the one that confused her the most. She knew that guys got drunk and sometimes kissed each other. But these pictures, this was something different.

Allyson flipped through the pictures. Were Arjun and her brother lovers? Something about the pictures and the expressions on their faces, the way they were staring into each other’s eyes, told her this was not made up. They were together. Boyfriends, she guessed.

Maybe she should shove the pictures inside the book and pretend she had never seen them. She studied the pictures again and again, memorizing the details, looking for clues. Did anyone else know? Part of her was tempted to walk into the living room right now, even though it was the middle of the night, and wake Clay up so she could get some answers. It didn’t matter to her that he was gay. Sure, she had to think about some things and it made her want to look for clues throughout the years, but she loved him just the same. But he hadn’t told her. He had a secret.

The blanket was too hot and she kicked it off. She stuck the photos back into the book and put the book onto the bedside table. The light from Clay’s bedroom illuminated the hall as she crept down the hallway to the bathroom, where she peed, brushed her teeth and splashed water on her face. After she was done, she walked towards the kitchen. The living room was blue from the flickering light of the television, which was on without any sound. Clay snored on the couch, his face turned away from the screen. She stared at his back, wondering how long he’d had this secret. She stood, silent, willing him to wake up, but he didn’t move. After what seemed like a long time, she went back to bed. She couldn’t wake him up in the middle of the night. As she crawled back into bed, she thought she would never fall asleep. She would just lay there, awake all night. But in the morning, she heard the sound of footsteps and voices. She had fallen asleep after all. She lay there, wondering if she should get up. Eventually, Allyson heard the front door open and shut and she took this as a cue to get out of bed. The copy of American Gods was heavy in her hands as she started towards the kitchen. Clay sat at the kitchen table, his hand around the Co-op mug. He was flipping through a newspaper, but raised his head when he heard her come in.

“You’d like some coffee now, right?” he asked.

She nodded. How was she going to tell him what she’d found? Should she just pretend she didn’t know, that this had never happened, that she had never seen the pictures? But she was sick of this tactic. Look at what it had done to her family. Why didn’t people just talk about things and address them? The thought that her brother was gay was strange and weird. But if it was the truth, she wanted to learn everything she could. Would Clay be open to talking about it? Or was he still mad at her for stealing the truck and coming to see him?

Clay handed her a mug of coffee. She wrapped her hands around it, grateful for its warmth, and set the book down on the table next to her.

“When did you know?” she asked. “Have you known for a long time?”

“Known what?” Clay asked. He flipped the newspaper to the sports section.

She opened American Gods, took out the photos and pushed them across the table towards him.

“I found these,” she said.

Her brother put the paper down and looked at the photos, flipping through them.

“They were in the book?”

She nodded.

A look of panic came across his face. She couldn’t look away. His expressions changed from bewilderment, to fear, to understanding.

“It doesn’t matter to me if you’re gay,” she said. “I just want to know the truth. Does anyone else know?”

He stood up, knocking his knee against the table and spilling his cup of coffee. Clay paced around the world, as if his chair was too hot for him to sit in.

“No one back home knows,” he said. “Don’t tell them.”

“I won’t,” she said, feeling sort of special that she knew something that other people didn’t. “Have you known for a long time?”

“I think Chloe may have figured it out, but she’s not saying anything,” Clay said.

“I won’t tell,” she said.

Clay stared down at the floor, avoiding her eyes.

“Just tell me,” she said. “I’m tired of secrets.”

“I’ve known for years,” he said. “Since I was about your age. When I went overseas, that’s when I was finally able to get out there. Arjun is my first real boyfriend. That only happened a few months after Grandpa died.”

He still wasn’t looking at her. “I spent years hating myself, wishing I could be different. Just throwing myself into activities and into the ranch. Left as soon as I could.”

He finally met her eyes. “You get that, don’t you? You know you’re different and you don’t belong. You don’t fit in. Only you can’t hide it like I could. People back home only know a small part of who I am.”

He walked back to the table, sat down and took a sip of coffee. “Part of me actually feels relieved that you know. I’ve been hiding this from everyone for so damn long.”

“Maybe Mom and Dad will be okay with it,” Allyson said. But even if they were okay with it, people in the town wouldn’t be. She’d heard people at the coffee shop talk about fags. And there was a jeweller in town that everyone said was light in the loafers. He had a male roommate and everyone talked about how they were actually more than just roommates.

“I don’t want to tell them yet,” Clay said. “They don’t need to deal with anyone else right now.”

He took a sip of his coffee. “You know, I admire you.”

“Me?”

Clay nodded. “You don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. I don’t even think you know how to do that. You’re just who you are. And even though that makes things hard for you, you don’t try to be anyone else. Someone like Chloe is never going to be like you.”

He started towards his bedroom. “I’ve got to get ready for work. I’ll leave you the key. And I’ve already written down Chloe’s address and directions on how to get there if you want to do that. You know how to get to Whyte Avenue from here?”

She nodded.

“I’ve got to shower and run,” he said, walking toward the bathroom. Allyson couldn’t help but think he was trying to escape from the conversation.

She remained at the table, trying to piece everything together. It all made sense. He’d never had long-term girlfriends, even though there were lots of girls who liked him. Every time someone asked him why he didn’t have a girlfriend, he blushed and changed the subject. This was one of the reasons why he couldn’t seem to commit to coming back to the farm. It might have to do with this mad cow thing, but that wasn’t the whole picture. This might be why he never seemed certain about what he wanted to do. What kind of life would he have if he came back to town? Would Arjun come with him? Could he have a life with a boyfriend at the farm? At this point, she didn’t see that happening.

For a second, it made her feel special to be the only one in the family who knew Clay’s secret. Now she and her brother had something shared between them, someone that no one else in the family had.

After he showered, Clay said goodbye to her and left. Alone in the house, she walked to the coffee pot and filled her mug again. She should probably call her parents, but she didn’t want to. Right now, she could pretend the farm and her parents didn’t exist. She showered, dressed and blow-dried her hair, and read American Gods for a bit. After noon, she put on her tuque, jacket and boots and ventured out of the house onto the city streets.

That afternoon, she soaked in the atmosphere of the city, watching people bustling up and down the sidewalks. She walked into Chapters on Whyte and marvelled at the rows and rows of books, walked down the street to a comic store, looked at manga and flipped through posters. She walked past the Princess movie theatre, and stared at its large marquee. Maybe she and Clay could go see a movie tonight, in a real movie theatre—not the tin can they had in town. Here in the city, she was surrounded by the sound of traffic, people walking and talking around her. There was so much to look at. She sat in the window of Starbucks and stared out at the street, her hands clasped around a paper cup of warm, syrupy hot chocolate. This was home. Eventually, around four, when the sky started to turn dark, she made her way back to Clay’s. He’d left Chloe’s address for her. It was on the way. She turned and went down the street. She saw the building where she thought Chloe was living, and glimpsed her cousin’s face in the window. She thought about ringing the buzzer and surprising her cousin. Maybe they could talk. But what would she say to her? What would happen between their families now that the cattle had been killed? Did Chloe even know? She didn’t want to start into all that now. Maybe things would get better between them eventually, but now was not the time. She turned her back on Chloe, and walked towards Clay’s place.

When she got to Clay’s, the house was dark and quiet. She scrounged around in the fridge and cupboards and found crackers, cheese and apples and ate them sitting at the kitchen table. What if she stayed with Clay in the city? Her parents would never go for that. What was going to happen next? She had too many questions. She opened her book and read until she heard the familiar sound of the key in the lock. Should she call her parents and talk with them? Part of her felt guilty that she hadn’t yet.

“Hey,” she heard Clay say, and she looked up from her book to see him standing in the kitchen.

“How was your shift?” she asked. Clay was working at Earls as a waiter right now.

“I was run off my feet,” he said, sinking into the chair across from her. “Always busy this time of year. I’m beat. I’d rather do chores than wait tables, any day. At least with farming you don’t have to deal with so many miserable, rude people. You get out of the house today?”

She told him what she had done.

“There’s decent Chinese food a few blocks away,” he said. “I thought we could go there for eats. Just let me rest a bit and then we’ll go. And then we can head to the Metro downtown. They’re showing The Wizard of Oz. I thought you might like to see that on the big screen.”

The phone rang and Clay went to answer it. Allyson didn’t even pretend she wasn’t trying to listen. She could tell her ­mother was on the other end. The sound of Donna’s voice came through, but the words were muffled, lost to her.

“Have you talked to Dad?” Clay nodded. “You’ve left.”

Where had her mother gone?

She’d heard Mary Anne talk about her ex-husband a few times and how she couldn’t stand him and how they fought for months before he finally came clean about his affair. Once she finally kicked him out, she was so happy and relieved. But Allyson’s parents didn’t fight like that.

“Is that Aunty Pam’s suggestion?” Clay asked. “Are you making a plan?”

She wished she could hear more, or that Clay would give her an indication as to what they were talking about.

“I have a few ideas,” he said, pacing around the kitchen. “I’ll try to help. I’m glad you’re doing this. Do you want to talk to Allyson?”

The phone was in her hand before she had time to say anything.

“Hi honey,” her mother said. “Are you having a good time in Edmonton? I’m in Saskatoon. The weather’s nice here.”

“Like for a vacation?” Allyson asked. She couldn’t believe that her mother had just abandoned her dad right now. Even though she wasn’t on a farm, her mother couldn’t avoid talking about the weather.

“I just needed to get away,” her mom said. “It was too much. Sort of like you, if you hadn’t stolen the car. I’d ground you, but I don’t have the heart to do it. Plus, it seems dumb to ground you when you’re in Edmonton.”

“Clay is going to take me to see The Wizard of Oz,” Allyson said, pretending everything was normal and that they hadn’t just abandoned her father, who seemed to be having a nervous breakdown.

“Won’t that be fun,” her mother said, and her tone reminded Allyson of Abby. “On the big screen? I’m glad you’re with your brother.”

“When are you coming home?” she asked.

Clay tapped her on the shoulder. “Let me talk to her again.”

Allyson handed the phone to her brother. “Keep me posted,” he said into the phone.

They murmured a few more things at each other before Clay hung up.

“Things are going to get better,” Clay said.

“How do you know?” Allyson said. “Did she say when she’s coming home? Is she coming home at all?”

He started towards the hallway. “Things will be okay,” he said. “Now forget about all that. We’re off to see the Wizard.”

*

The next morning, Allyson woke up in Clay’s bed filled with sadness and dread because she didn’t want to go home. Clay was going to drive her, so he could see Dad, and take the truck back. Then he would take the bus back to the city, in time to work his shift and study for finals. When she dragged herself into the kitchen, Clay was making pancakes and frying bacon.

“Mom raised me to make a visitor at least one good meal,” he said, sliding a plate in front of her. He pushed a bottle of maple syrup towards her as she took a seat at the table, and she opened it and doused her pancakes.

“Where’s Arjun?” she asked as she chewed. She hadn’t seen him since that first day.

“He decided to visit his parents,” Clay said.

She normally liked bacon, but the piece she had just eaten tasted burned. She chewed it and swallowed.

“He could have stayed,” she said.

“Arjun’s not out to his family yet,” Clay said. “Same as me. It’s just a few of our friends that know.”

What did he and Arjun do in bed? She didn’t want to think about that, any more than she wanted to think about Colton and Lily. Or her parents. Just thinking about her family members with anyone made her feel uncomfortable.

“It’s just hard to know how to talk about it,” said Clay. “How much to tell you. Now finish up and get dressed, because we’ve got to leave.”

A few minutes before they had to go, Clay went outside to start his truck so it could warm up. It was snowing out.

“So many idiots don’t know how to drive here,” he said, as they got into the truck. “Dad is right when he talks about how people in the city lack common sense.”

As they drove, Allyson shivered and buried her nose and mouth down into the collar of her coat as she watched the streets pass outside the truck window. Fewer pedestrians and cars were out because of the snow. She willed the truck to break down, to get stuck so she didn’t have to head back to the farm. Maybe she could just stay here. She could transfer her credits and finish the year in the city. It wouldn’t be impossible.

She sat still as Clay drove across the city, and then out to the highway.

“You know what,” he said, eyes on the road. “I’m glad you came and I’ll glad you know.”

She looked down at her lap. “I don’t want to go back,” she said. “Can I just stay with you? Things are so much better in the city.”

“I wish you could,” he said, leaning over and patting her on the shoulder. “But you and I both know you can’t. Mom and Dad need you.”

She looked down at her hands. “Being there is breaking me into little pieces.”

“It’s broken all of us. We want to go back to being the people we were before Grandpa died, before the border closed, but we can’t. We aren’t those people any more. But think of it this way, you don’t even have two full years of high school left. Just a year and change. Then you can take off and be whoever you want. I know it seems long now, but it’ll go by fast,” he said. “You need to just stick it out. Maybe you can come visit more often. You can do this. Think of everything you’ve already been through. Not even two years.”

She leaned in and hugged in and rested her head on his shoulder as he drove.

“Just think of this time like a test, in one of your fantasy books. Do your time and then you can get out. It’ll happen.”

He turned on the radio and they sat in silence for a few ­minutes.

“You need to go back or Dad’ll lose it,” Clay said. “You’re his special girl.”

“I’m his only girl.”

“He never picked me up from school,” Clay said. “I had to take the bus.”

On the way home, she thought about the couple days that she’d been in Edmonton, and Clay’s secret and what she was going back to. The farm houses along the highway passed by, small blips of colour in the endless white. Hoar frost coated barren trees. When the truck entered the town, the streets were empty and quiet. She realized that she really wanted to see Jeff, right away.

“Can we go to Joe’s?” she asked Clay. “I’ve got something I got to do.”

He gave her a bit of a sly smile, and said, “You like Jeff, right?”

And she nodded, because she wanted to be honest with him.

“No problem,” Clay said, and he parked right in front of the building. “I’ll head on home and check on Dad and you can call for a ride whenever you need one. Do you want me to take your stuff too?”

“Sure,” she said, wondering how this was going to go.

Clay leaned across the seat and hugged her and then she stepped out of the truck. As she walked towards Joe’s, Clay rolled down the window and leaned towards her.

“Call me when you need to,” he said. “And I’m glad you know. Just don’t tell anyone else.”

“I won’t,” she said. It felt good to know his secret.

She looked down the street, as Clay backed the truck up. The town buildings loomed large and still, muted after the noise and activity of the city. She felt a wave of sadness and despair at the thought of being back in town. But Clay was right. She could get through this. She could hate every minute, or she could grit her teeth, steel herself and git ’er done, like Grandpa Al. She thought of all she’d been through in the past couple of years. All that, and she was still here, still going. She had her whole life in front of her. Clay was right. She could handle a tiny bit more.

She pushed open the front door of Joe’s, putting all her weight against it to open it. The smell of French fries, cigarette smoke and fried meat assaulted her nostrils. The restaurant was empty except for two tables. Lily came to greet her as she sat down in a booth.

“How’s it going?” Lily asked, sliding a menu in front of her.

“Just got back from the city,” Allyson said. “I was at Clay’s.”

“Talked to Colton yesterday,” Lily said. “He’s doing all right. He might come home for Christmas. He says to see if they’re going to let him take time off.”

Allyson pushed the menu back towards Lily. “Just a hot chocolate with whipped cream.”

Lily nodded and went back to the kitchen. Allyson looked around the restaurant. Was Jeff around? Maybe he was in the kitchen.

Lily came back with the hot chocolate. Allyson thanked her and wrapped her fingers around the mug. Chocolate shavings dotted the surface of the whipped cream swirl. Allyson took a sip and studied the horoscopes on the paper placemat before her. She flipped the placemat over and took a pencil out of her backpack. She made a quick sketch of Jeff, taking time to shade his hair, and his dark eyes. In her drawing, he was looking down, sketching in a notebook, a contemplative expression on his face. Underneath the drawing, she signed her name.

Once she finished the drawing, she pushed it to the middle of the table, and finished her hot chocolate.

Lily walked by, carrying plates of fries to two old-timers who had come in while Allyson drew. Allyson caught her eye and gestured to her to come over. After she’d served her customers, Lily came back. Allyson had never noticed the graceful way that Lily walked, moving across the floor like a dancer.

“Is Jeff here?” she asked.

Lily nodded. “I’ll go get him,” she said.

For a second, Allyson felt her heart in her chest, and a feeling of nervousness, like a small bird was flying around her ribcage. But then she took a deep breath, steeled herself, and waited for him to come out.

She turned when she heard footsteps. And there he was, standing beside her.

“I made this for you,” she said, pushing the drawing into his hand.

He looked down at it. “Thanks,” he said. “It really does look like me.”

“Can you come outside with me for a second?” Allyson said. She’d never felt so nervous or so bold in her life, but she wanted to do this, even though she was terrified.

“Just let me get my coat,” he said.

She put hers back on, and fingered the cuffs, nervous. A few minutes later he was back, in his coat and boots.

As he came by the booth, she stood up and they walked outside together, wordless for several minutes.

“What do you want?” he asked once they were outside. She moved away from the window so the people in Joe’s couldn’t see them.

She leaned forward, placing her warm lips on Jeff’s mouth. “I miss you,” she said. “I’ve liked you a long time. I just need to admit it to myself. Can you forgive me?”

“I like you too,” he said, smiling at her.

She leaned into him and rested her head on his shoulder. The snow had started to fall, and he brushed his hand over her hair. She wasn’t sure how long they stood together. The wind was cold.

“I’ve got to get back to work right away,” Jeff said. “Lily is going home.”

“I have to go home too,” Allyson said.

They went back inside the restaurant. “We’ll figure this out, right?” Jeff said as he led Allyson to the front counter and pointed to the black office phone sitting next to the cash register. Allyson nodded, and then picked up the receiver. She punched in the familiar numbers, and listened as the phone rang. Her dad was probably sitting in the family room, watching TV.

“It’s me,” she said when he answered. “I’m at Joe’s. Can you come get me?”

“I just need to warm up the truck for a bit,” he said. “Sit by the window. I’ll be there soon.”

“Bye,” said Allyson and she hung up.

She put some money down on the table, and moved to a table near the window. Maybe when she moved away, she would miss Joe’s, the way she missed the way things had been a few years ago.

She felt calmer than she had in months. Jeff walked through the restaurant carrying plates and smiling at her. She smiled back. She would see what happened. Outside the window, she saw her father’s truck and his familiar shape in the truck’s cab. She stood up, picked up her backpack and walked out the door.