When you differ with someone you respect, are you able to speak up and share your own viewpoint?Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
—Dale Carnegie
In the previous chapter we looked at what assertiveness really is and we discussed some ways of preparing to bring assertiveness into your life and career. In this chapter we’ll look at specific tactics you can use for actually applying assertiveness in a variety of workplace situations.
There are many techniques for implementing assertive behavior, but most are based on what can be called the three-part assertion message:
1. Summarize the facts of the situation.
2. Express your thoughts and feelings.
3. Clearly state your wants and needs, including benefits to the other party.
This three-part formula lets you express your concerns without being personally aggressive. The formula is simple, but using it can take practice and self-control. Let’s look at an example of how the formula might play out in an actual conversation between two people in a business setting.
Nicole is the owner of a website design company. Her clients often need to have the content of their websites changed on short notice. As new products or services become available, the clients want that information put online as soon as possible for the benefit of potential customers.
Recently Nicole has become concerned that one of her designers has not met the agreed-upon deadlines for completing projects. Needless to say, this has created some displeasure among Nicole’s clients, so she decides to speak with the designer about the situation.
Nicole will use the three-part assertion message formula. She begins by clearly and directly stating the facts. She says, “I recall our speaking about how long it would take you to turn around the work on this website assignment. We agreed that the whole job would take ten working days. It’s been two weeks and the job isn’t finished.”
Notice that Nicole has not referred to anything except objective facts. She hasn’t said anything about her worries or feelings. That all comes in the second part of the three-part assertion message.
“When there are delays like this,” Nicole continues, “it creates tension for the client, and that translates into stress for us. I get concerned, and I have to communicate that concern to you.”
With the third part of the formula, Nicole clarifies the changes that need to be made. She says, “I want to make it very clear that when we set a deadline for a piece of work, that deadline has to be met. When we’ve talked about how long you’ll need for an assignment, I think you may have been setting unrealistic deadlines for yourself. Maybe you’ve done that because you think it will give me the impression that you’re a really fast worker. But that’s not what I’m going to be thinking about if the deadline is impossible to meet.”
So far Nicole has been speaking only about the problem that needs to be solved, and how solving that problem will benefit her and her company. But remember, in any assertive dialogue it’s important to include benefits for the person you’re speaking with, if at all possible.
So here’s how Nicole does this. She says, “In the future, when we talk about how long you’ll need for an assignment, it will be much better to give yourself a little more time than you think you’ll need, rather than less. I’m sure that will make your life easier and less stressful. When you complete the work on time, the client will be happy and so will I. And if you should happen to get the work done in less time than you’ve asked for, everyone will be pleasantly surprised.”
In Nicole’s example you can see the differences between assertiveness and aggression. Even when Nicole talks about her feelings, the only feelings she mentions are work-related. She doesn’t say, “You’re deliberately trying to annoy me,” or “I’m really angry about this.” If she had said anything like that, it would have opened the door for the employee to start verbalizing his or her own emotional responses, or at least to start thinking about them. This could quickly have taken the whole conversation way off course.
There’s another aspect of this imaginary dialogue that’s very important. Notice that the person who is being assertive here is the manager, not the subordinate. In thinking about assertiveness, we might assume that the person who needs this tool will always be the underdog. But supervisors need to be assertive too. Assertiveness is not really about power. It’s about self-respect. It’s about standing up for what you believe in and what you want, based on who you are as a human being and as a participant in a business operation. Since managers have this right just as much as anyone else, assertiveness skills are essential.
The three-part assertion message is an excellent basic formula for business communication. But it would be simplistic to say that this is all you need to know about assertiveness tactics. With the three-part formula as a foundation, let’s look in more detail at assertiveness tactics.
What happens, for example, if you encounter some resistance on the part of the person you’re speaking with? In the dialogue we just presented, what should Nicole have done if her employee disagreed with her or even aggressively disagreed with her?
The truth is that some people just don’t like to hear feedback and tend to take feedback personally. They see things a certain way, and they resist change. If anybody’s going to make changes, they want it to be you. But an assertive person knows how to deal with that. If you’re dealing with an inflexible individual, a good tactic is a little inflexibility on your own part.
This means calmly, firmly, and clearly stating your needs. If Nicole’s employee says, “I didn’t create an unrealistically short deadline,” Nicole should say, “While the deadline may not have seemed unrealistic, the work is not complete. In the future, I want you to give yourself more time.” If the employee says, “Tell the client to calm down,” Nicole should say, “The best way to calm down the customer is by providing the work we promised on time. In the future, it would be wise to give yourself more time.” It’s just a matter of repeating the same statement in exactly the same way until the other person gets the message (regardless of any excuses, diversions, or arguments). Keep calm and stick to the point. Always respect the rights of the other person. And always ask yourself these questions:
• How can I express my message more clearly?
• How can I be more specific about what I have to say?
• How can I avoid being drawn off course by the other person?
Like most people, you may sometimes have felt a sense of remorse following a moment when you should have taken an assertive stand but didn’t. And you’ve probably replayed that scenario in your head many times, with a better but imaginary outcome. This mental exercise may provide you with some brief satisfaction—at least until the same thing happens again.
There are plenty of instances in life, both minor and major, when we could use more assertiveness to stand up for ourselves. I’m sure you can think of many examples, complete with “this is what I should’ve done” variations. So, instead of fantasizing, let’s look at some actual steps you can take the next time the need for assertiveness comes into your life.
Control your body language. When you’re being berated or insulted, it is very easy to let your body speak for you instead of your mouth; you might fidget or nod, shrug your shoulders, or even offer an apologetic smile. All of these things are signs of conciliation, indicators that you are on the way to giving up. They weaken your position before you’ve even had a chance to start strengthening it.
More specifically, your first step should be limiting your body language to the greatest extent possible. Instead, stand or sit still and look the other person in the eye. Wait until they’re done before you respond to anything that’s said. Don’t even bother trying to interrupt. This is their opportunity to let you have it, so give them that opportunity. Just make certain that when your chance to respond comes, you insist that nobody interrupts you. Whether you’re dealing with a manager in a work situation or with someone regarding a personal matter, let them say their piece, then make it clear that you also deserve to be heard.
Speak in active, first-person terms. Stand up for yourself by keeping your language direct. Speak from your own point of view. Begin any response by grounding your sentences in the first person. Say, “I appreciate your point of view. . . . Have you considered . . . ?” Or, “I prefer to do it this—or not to do this—because . . .” Or, “I think . . .” These phrases help you to stay grounded in the topic and also prevent you from launching personal attacks on others. Assertiveness isn’t a debate contest, and it isn’t a battle in which the best defense might be a good offense. This is defending your actions, motives, or opinions against frivolous attacks by others who seek to minimize you.
While the words I’m sorry might seem to apply, actually they do not. This is an expression of passivity, and you do not want to be in any way passive while trying to stand up for yourself. The same does not apply if you find that you have made a mistake. We should admit any mistake quickly and emphatically. However, never apologize for standing up for yourself; you can apologize later for saying something in the heat of the moment that wasn’t especially wise (this is to be avoided with your boss) but never for defending yourself.
Bring the situation to a close. Someone else got this ball rolling by making you feel small. Take control of the situation by being the one to conclude it. If this means you need to stand up for yourself by offering an ultimatum and you can afford to do so, bring it on. You may also consider simply accepting the situation and saying, “I feel very strongly about this, so why don’t we agree to disagree and move on?”
Most people who try to belittle others neither expect resistance nor know what to do when confronted with it. Faced with their unknown and possibly unreliable reaction, shut down the situation before you have to find out what it might be. Reassert your position, if necessary, so that you’re coming across as someone who believes in himself and his talents. To accomplish this, you might suggest a solution or, if you can live with it, a compromise. Look hard for the former, and don’t be too eager for the latter!
On the subject of assertiveness tactics, it’s interesting and even inspiring to realize how much Dale Carnegie understood about this as early as the 1930s! To this day, there has never been a better strategist and tactician of assertiveness than Dale Carnegie. He may not have used that exact word, but he had a deep understanding of assertiveness and how to put it into action. The best proof of this comes from simply looking at what Dale Carnegie actually had to say.
Interviewing Assertively
An important recurring experience in every adult’s life is the interview for some much-desired objective. The interview may be for a job, or for a loan, or for a chance to have your student film entered in a festival or competition. These interviews can be important turning points, even on the scale of your whole life, so you’ll want them to go as well as possible. In fact, it’s fair to say you need them to go as well as possible. So let’s see exactly what you can do toward that end.
Be prepared. Of all the interview tips we could possibly discuss, “preparation” is the most important word and the most important part of the whole process. With good preparation, everything will go as planned and you will get the result you desire. Without preparation, that result is impossible—partly because it’s not even clear in our own minds what the result should be. As the saying goes, if you don’t know where you’re going, you will never get there.
Before taking part in any interview, do some research so that you know some basic information about the person or persons you will be meeting. If you’re interviewing for a job, what kind of company will you be working for? What is its history? Who were its founders? What is its mission statement? How does that statement express itself in the company’s way of doing business in the real world? This information will provide you with a foundation to intelligently answer the questions that will come up during the actual interview session.
Your research should include specific job-related issues and requirements. You definitely don’t want to be faced with some tricky question asked by the interviewer, which catches you totally off guard. The only reason that could possibly happen is that you’ve simply dropped the ball regarding preparation.
Here’s a good technique: Look at yourself in the mirror! What could be simpler? Go through the procedure of “interviewing yourself,” with special attention to weak points in your appearance, your body language, and your knowledge of the relevant issues. Portraying confidence and assertiveness are surely the most important parts of an interview. Every interviewer will want to see that you’re sure of yourself, and that your high confidence is a reflection of your true abilities.
Look the part. Using the same concept as when preparing a résumé, your appearance will play a key role in presenting a good image of yourself. We wouldn’t expect an employer to be wearing running shoes and jeans, so why should we? Dress appropriately for the job at hand. Administrative and managerial jobs require a suit and tie for men and corresponding attire for women. Don’t overdress, but it’s better to be too formal than excessively casual.
Winning tactics. Here are the three simple, essential things to do when entering the interview site and meeting the person with whom you’ll be talking:
• Introduce yourself by clearly stating your name.
• Make direct eye contact with the interviewer. Get a pleasant expression on your face!
• Give a firm handshake—a little firmer than you think it ought to be.
On the flip side, here are some behaviors to avoid:
• Sit up straight and don’t slouch. Sitting up portrays confidence and energy.
• Keep still! Constantly moving your hands or feet will suggest nervousness.
• Think before you speak. Make a conscious decision to wait before you answer a question. Even one second is helpful when trying to collect and organize your thoughts.
Unless you’re interviewed by a very creative or eccentric person, certain questions are almost guaranteed to come up. Here are some of the most predictable categories.
Plain vanilla. Every job interview contains a series of questions tailored for that specific applicant. But most interviews actually comprise a set of generic questions that would come up in almost any situation, whether it is an interview for a prospective kindergarten teacher or for a graduate school professor.
Below is a list to give you an idea of the types of questions that might come up in conversation during an interview. The key is to answer the questions sincerely, thoughtfully, and with clarity.
• What experience do you have for the position?
• Besides your experience, what makes you an outstanding candidate?
• Where do you see yourself five years in the future?
• Why do you want to work for our company in particular?
• What specific skills can you bring to our company?
Take the appropriate time to answer each one of the questions. Again, it’s important to seem confident without giving the impression that you think the position is already yours. Interviewers always pick up on this, and a sense of complacency could work against you during the hiring process. Give your best effort during the entire interview until the very end.
There are different levels of interviews, from the preliminary one to the final selection. Each stage will offer different levels of difficulty and require different preparation. But with the basic knowledge, you should be ready to face any interview situation.
In most business discussions, a prerequisite for success is assertiveness without aggressiveness by either party. To achieve this, Dale Carnegie suggests beginning the conversation with praise and honest appreciation. For what? For almost anything! In short, start on a positive note. Before your meeting, think carefully about the positive note on which you’ll begin. There’s no need to turn this into a speech or formal statement. Just mention something that will create a positive connection from the outset. If you haven’t had previous contact with the other party, say something positive about the organization, about a colleague whom you both know, about the local community, or almost anything (with the possible exception of the weather). Ideally, you’ll be able to refer to some successful project in the past that the two of you worked on together. Again, that’s not really necessary. The main thing is to say something that has a positive tone. At the most basic level you could express appreciation for having the meeting set up.
If the purpose of the meeting is to discuss a mistake or disagreement, move toward this topic indirectly. This indirect approach is another of Dale Carnegie’s very insightful principles. As Carnegie so well understood, it’s a mistake to confuse being assertive with being merely blunt or tactless. To simply come out and accuse someone of wrongdoing or incompetence is almost always a poor tactic. This just forces the other party into a defensive mode where very little can be accomplished.
As Mr. Carnegie suggested, it’s a good idea to talk about your own mistakes before criticizing another person. When giving feedback, an assertive approach focuses on future solutions. Mistakes in the past should be seen as signposts pointing in the direction of better performance in the future. The emphasis should always be on objective experiences and criteria rather than on someone’s internal shortcomings.
Imagine, for example, that a sales manager is having a talk with one of her reps. The manager is very concerned about the rep’s recent performance. “Your productivity is way down lately,” she says. “Why is this happening? What’s the matter with you?”
From the rep’s point of view, questions like that are very difficult to answer. The questions are far too open-ended and personal. They refer to who the rep is rather than what the rep has done or not done. “What’s the matter with you?” raises issues that are best taken up in a psychotherapy session. It’s not the kind of language that should come up in a business discussion.
For a much more productive approach, the manager might say something like this: “Last month you were one of our top producers. Lately things seem to have slowed down a little. I know how that can happen, because I’ve seen fluctuations like that in my own work. Can you think of anything that might have caused this change?”
Here the emphasis is on what actually happened rather than on the deep underlying issues. Notice also that the manager creates empathy with the rep by referring to her own similar experiences. This is not weakness on the manager’s part. It’s assertive behavior in the best sense of the word.
As another tactic of assertiveness, Dale Carnegie stressed the benefits of asking questions rather than giving direct orders. If a manager says to a rep, “I want to see a list of all the calls you make before noon every day,” the rep’s defenses are understandably going to go up. Whenever an adult is spoken to like a child, there will be resistance.
A more genuinely assertive tactic by the manager would sound something like this: “In my own work, I’ve noticed that good time management is closely tied with productivity. When I keep track of how I’m using my time, I tend to get much better results. Have you ever tried keeping a log of how you use your time? Why don’t you try that for a couple of days? If you want, we can look over it together and see what it tells us.”
This is real assertiveness in action. There’s an implied reprimand that’s surrounded by empathy and encouragement. While an aggressive approach makes the problem seem deep and mysterious, assertive dialogue puts it on the surface, where it seems easy to correct. Instead of feeling threatened, people will feel happy about doing the things you suggest.
While it’s hard to do anything but agree when suggestions are put this way, the process isn’t over. Whenever constructive direction has been given, be sure to follow it up with praise for any improvement, no matter how slight. In this way, a person who might otherwise feel diminished by criticism acquires a fine reputation to live up to.
Dale Carnegie made all of these points very clear in his pioneering work on interpersonal behavior and relationships. He had one more insight that’s often overlooked by people who confuse assertive tactics with aggressive behavior. Whenever you have to focus on a negative situation or deliver criticism of any kind, what happens at the close of the conversation is extremely important. Don’t ever allow the discussion to end on a negative note. Don’t let the other person walk away feeling put upon or victimized. Surprisingly, this is especially true when your criticism is very well justified, because that’s when someone can feel very guilty and downhearted. Always give people the opportunity to save face. Always allow them an honorable retreat. This opens up the opportunity for a fresh start during your next interaction. Ending on a negative note leaves a lingering sense of negativity—and an assertive conversation, above all, should be a positive experience for everyone.
During these first two chapters, we’ve defined assertiveness and distinguished it from aggression and passivity. We’ve spoken about how to develop assertiveness from a strategic point of view through understanding the issues involved and through exercises you can do before taking assertive action in the everyday world. In this second chapter, we’ve been looking at tactical applications of assertiveness in contemporary business situations, and we’ve seen how Dale Carnegie anticipated those situations even in his earliest work. Before moving on to the sharply focused topics on assertiveness that will comprise our following chapters, let’s look at some of the reactions you may get when you make assertiveness the basis for your business communications. Knowing how to recognize and deal with these reactions is extremely important. Unless you handle them correctly, you may indeed have behaved assertively while you were in the presence of the other party, and you won’t get the action you desire after the conversation is completed.
By far the most common negative response to assertiveness is simple aggression by the other person. In some situations there may be raised voices, red faces, and fists pounded on the table, along with all kinds of threats and intimidation. The challenge here is to avoid being drawn into those kinds of behaviors. Assert your right to remain apart from them. If you’ve done your strategic work before the conversation took place, you can be sure you’re in the right. So there’s no need to apologize or back down. You can certainly express regret that the other person is upset. Having said that, you should then reaffirm your position. One of the most dangerous things about anger is the fact that it’s so highly contagious. You need to create immunity from other people’s anger by being aware of just how “catching” it can be.
And remember, even if people don’t get angry in your presence during an assertive conversation, it’s a mistake to let them leave before any harsh feelings are resolved. Otherwise you may find them expressing their anger about you to other people in the workplace instead of to your face. That can be even more difficult to deal with and can hurt morale.
Through the grapevine, you may hear that there has been complaining and grumbling around the water cooler. At least initially, the best tactic is to ignore this fallout. If it continues, you’ll want to have another conversation in which you apply the same principles of assertiveness that we’ve been discussing. This time, however, make sure that any negative feelings come to the surface before you part ways, no matter how much anger that may include on the other person’s part. As we’ve discussed, the challenge for you is to avoid being drawn into the anger.
Whether in your presence or behind your back, overtly aggressive behavior is actually easier to deal with than passive-aggressive responses to an assertive conversation. Pouting, self-pity, excuse making, and even crying are very common. Once again, be sympathetic without backing down. Simply repeat your core message quietly but firmly, no matter how much drama you may encounter.
Some individuals react to assertiveness by taunting, trying to undermine your argument and position, and other such behavior. It is important to deal with those reactions immediately, by pointing out what the person is doing and by affirming your position. If there are other people present, it’s best to take the person aside rather than dealing with the problem publicly.
It’s also possible that an individual may deny everything you’ve been saying. You may be accused of completely fabricating a problem where none actually exists. This can be difficult, because you’re talking about two opposing interpretations of reality. The other person may sincerely believe that you’re completely mistaken. Here it’s appropriate to apologize, in a hypothetical way, for any possible error on your part. Your response should probably sound something like this: “I’ve told you how things looked to me. I can understand if this is different from how things look to you. Based on my perceptions, I need to stand by what I said.”
If the issue you’ve been discussing was sensitive enough, you may even encounter someone who complains of a health-related symptom. They may feel faint, for example, or complain of shortness of breath, or a sudden headache. This doesn’t happen often, but when you’re really asking people to change their behavior, you should be prepared for surprises of all kinds. There’s no doubt, however, that in today’s workplace you must take any physical complaints very seriously, especially if you’re in a managerial position. The legal issues are so delicate that you must offer medical assistance whenever anyone mentions a physical problem. While there may not be anything seriously wrong, there’s always the chance that something really is. In any case, you’ll be protecting yourself from possible legal action.
So far we’ve talked about people who defend themselves against your assertive interventions. That defense may take the form of direct aggression against you, subversive behavior behind your back, or passive-aggressive acting out. On the other end of the spectrum, there are people who not only seem to agree with you but who can’t seem to stop apologizing. This can be a very effective form of interpersonal jujitsu. Unless you know how to deal with it, such behavior can be challenging. The best response is to say quietly that apologies are not really necessary (or at least not more than once). Then reassert the appropriateness and fairness of what you’ve already said.
If you keep these tactical responses in mind, you’ll find that your assertive behavior will bring you the best possible results. Of course, others may find it surprising or even shocking at the outset, especially if you have not been known for asserting yourself in the past.
There are several reasons why assertive behavior is so hard for some people to accept. Although the situation is beginning to change, educational institutions have tended to encourage nonassertive behavior. Often assertiveness has been mistaken for aggressiveness, thereby associating actions that may have been very much in the right with antisocial or disruptive behavior. The truth is, if you’ve had a conventional upbringing anytime over the last fifty years, you probably haven’t learned the skills and responses that constitute genuine assertiveness. These behaviors can be learned, and the effort is hugely worthwhile.
As your assertiveness skills develop, you will find that they tend to neutralize the anxieties many people experience in various business situations. By learning, practicing, and trying out assertive responses, you’ll find that there’s a marked reduction in stress of all kinds. In fact, learning appropriate assertive behavior is one of the main ways by which anxiety is now treated.
Learning to be more assertive, therefore, can lead to greater emotional freedom in general. People who are very nonassertive, passive, and inhibited often have difficulty freely expressing other emotions, like tenderness and real affection. Learning to express justified annoyance and anger and to assert one’s rights in a firm and straightforward manner makes it easier to relate to people in a friendly and caring way.
One of the greatest benefits of learning assertiveness is the increase it will bring in your sense of freedom and self-respect. No one should be subject to the domination, whims, and aggression of others. There is only one way to eliminate those restrictions, and that’s by being appropriately assertive with anyone who tries to dominate or stifle you, especially in business situations. People have to be free in choosing their actions. Right now, if you’re unable to be assertive in a business situation, then you’re not free. The information you’ll get in the chapters that follow will change that forever.
Very few people are aggressive nearly all the time and in all situations. Likewise, very few individuals are totally without assertiveness in all situations. More typically, people hold their own in some circumstances and are nonassertive in others. The task is to analyze these various settings and become more fully aware of how you respond in each of them. Observe, ask for advice and coaching, and learn alternative ways of acting. Once you learn the right way to respond, you can be assured that perfect practice will create perfection. First try your new approach in thought or in written exercises, and gradually in real-life situations.
As you learn more about assertiveness, it’s important not to hurry the progression from exercises to application in the workplace. Take your time. Sometimes there’s a temptation to progress too quickly. Recognize that there will be some ups and downs in the learning curve. Although the reactions of others to assertiveness are usually quite positive, as we discussed earlier, some people respond in an adverse way. Just remember these basic facts: It is your right to stand up for yourself and to assert your individuality. On the other hand, you don’t have to be assertive all the time, in all circumstances. The goal is to have the power to assert yourself, and to be free to make that choice.
In closing, here are some questions to keep in mind that will help you to keep track of your assertiveness. When you first read these questions, you may want to just answer yes or no. When you read these questions again, try to compare your progress with how you felt in the past. Then set a goal for where you want to be next time.
When you differ with someone you respect, are you able to speak up and share your own viewpoint?
Are you able to refuse unreasonable requests made by your coworkers, and even by your supervisors?
Do you readily accept positive criticism and suggestion?
Do you ask for assistance when you need it?
Do you always have confidence in your own judgment?
If someone else has a better solution to a problem than what you had thought of, do you accept it gracefully?
Do you express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct and honest way?
Do you try to work for an all-win solution that benefits all parties?
If you answered yes to the majority of these questions, you’re well on your way to an assertive approach to life and your career. The topics in the chapters that follow will very quickly take you to the next level of mastery. If you didn’t answer yes, you’re reading the right book! Please continue reading. You’ll gain much-needed and valuable insights.
1. Dale Carnegie suggested that you always start with referencing mistakes that you’ve made before criticizing others. Are you able to do so? If not, how might you shift your self-perception in order to have the confidence to admit your errors?
2. Reflect on your communication skills. Do you ever order others as opposed to asking questions? If so, when? What steps can you take to change your communication style?
3. Do you ever succumb to intimidation? If so, with whom? What small steps can you take to stand firmer in your convictions?
4. Make a list of those things that you most value and respect about yourself. Then make a list of those attributes that need work. Take some time to honor yourself for your positive attributes. Also take the time to honor yourself for recognizing and working on those attributes that do not best serve you.