Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain—and most fools do.
—Dale Carnegie
We live in a society that values communication skills very highly. We’ve also become quite sophisticated about how those skills can express themselves. We like people who are able to express themselves well, but we also realize that there’s more than one way to do that. Ronald Reagan was known as the Great Communicator, but President Barack Obama is also an outstanding communicator, with a style that’s different from Reagan’s—or anyone else’s.
In light of this, is it possible to draw any general conclusions about what good communicating really involves? Yes and no. There are certain principles that underlie all effective communication, but there’s an almost infinite number of ways those principles can be applied. In fact, there are just about as many ways to apply the principles as there are people to apply them.
If you’re in a position of leadership and responsibility, knowing how to deal with people is as important as technical or administrative knowledge. Effective managers are part workers and part diplomats. They understand that working with others takes a certain touch, and they hold true to the words of Dale Carnegie: “When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudice, and motivated by pride and vanity.”
Here are some of the cardinal rules of communication in the workplace. In order to master them truly, you have to internalize them and make them part of you. Faking the process will not get you very far.
Call people by name. It’s the sweetest sound to anyone’s ears. When you use a person’s name, you personalize your message; it becomes their own. It also communicates that you care and that you find the person memorable. It’s a deceptively simple tool to lower people’s guards, since it establishes a bond. Pepper your sentences with names, and start questions with them: “Steve, how are you doing today?”
Admit when you’re wrong. You may think that you’re losing face if you own up to a mistake. You’re not. Recognizing one’s own errors is one of the workplace’s most honorable acts, since so few people do so. Learn how to put your ego aside and admit that you aren’t perfect. Just don’t overdo it in an “I blew it” email to the whole office or by gushing apologies at a meeting. A simple “I made a mistake and I realize it” is all that’s required.
Hold people to high standards. A certain number of people, commonly labeled “control freaks,” seem to think that no one but themselves can do things competently. Don’t be one of these people. Trust the abilities of others. In fact, trust them to do the best job possible. It’s not about having excessively high expectations. Believing in a person encourages him to do his best not to disappoint. At the same time, be patient with those still getting a handle on a new task.
Show sincere interest. Everyone you meet has a rich history of interests and experiences. Find out about those around you, even if you think you have nothing in common. If a colleague says he likes online game competitions, ask him about it. Really try to understand the reasons why. When you express sincere curiosity, not only will you learn something new but it will take little effort to remember that which you have learned. People like being remembered.
Offer praise. Don’t just say “Good job.” Be specific in your praise and show that you’re aware of what the other person actually did. “You steered that meeting very well, Mike, especially when everyone was distracted” is a good example. At the same time, be sparse with criticism. When it is necessary to coach or provide constructive feedback, do so in a diplomatic and tactful way. We’ll have more to say about this later in the chapter.
Keep your word. Don’t say you’ll do something if you have no intention of following through. Your credibility hangs heavily on your word. If you flake on your promises, you won’t be entrusted with critical tasks, and you won’t be likely to go far in your career.
Show your gratitude. If someone does you a favor or goes out of their way to get something done for you, make sure you recognize their efforts. You’re not automatically entitled to favors, and nobody owes you their extra mile. If you receive one, thank the person and offer to do something in return.
Be considerate. Never assume people will take your words at face value. Some will naturally comb every word a person says, looking for a personal affront. You can’t change these people, but when you’re around them, you can structure your sentences carefully. Think before you talk and make sure there are no ambiguities that could be misinterpreted.
By making the effort to understand others’ points of view, you preclude misunderstandings. You may deeply believe that you are right, but realize that others think the same way about their ideas and beliefs. You have to respect their opinions and see why they think the way they do. Instead of arguing, ask others to explain their positions. You don’t have to agree, but you can say “I understand where you’re coming from.”
Give of yourself. Step out of your job description once in a while and help others with their tasks. Do this without having to be asked. Saying “Need a hand there?” has a twofold effect. First, you encourage others to give of themselves, creating a more positive workplace. Second, you buy yourself a future favor, since kindness always comes back.
Be humble. Obvious efforts to impress your colleagues and superiors will do just the opposite. No one likes a show-off. If you’re aching to have your accomplishments acknowledged, you’ll simply have to exercise patience. Your achievements will gain genuine approval if you let people discover them instead of flashing it in their faces. And if you play down your successes, you’ll be even more respected for your humility.
Help others save face. Everyone makes blunders. Think back to the last time you made an embarrassing gaffe. Didn’t you wish someone would step up and play down the seriousness of it? Then do the same for others. Laugh off the faux pas with the person (not at him) with a friendly slap on the shoulder: “It happens to the best of us.” Reassure him and others it’s not the end of the world. If it’s appropriate, say nothing instead of bringing needless attention to the mistake.
If we consider situations in which communication skills are obviously very important, certain instances immediately come to mind. For example, when you meet someone for the first time, you naturally want to communicate a positive impression. Are you moving into a new role in your company? Perhaps you’re changing careers altogether and you’re about to meet a new group of colleagues for the first time. Or you may just be at a social event in which you’re called upon to introduce yourself to some potential new friends. No matter what the situation, a good first impression is essential if you want to get off on the right foot.
In a workplace setting, you’ll usually have an opportunity to introduce yourself to individual team members as well as to the group. It’s generally a good idea to meet with everyone both individually and in a more formal group setting.
If you’re in a new managerial position, be aware that the change may be destabilizing for the people you’ll now be supervising. There may be suspicion that you’ll totally change the way things have been working—and this may even be the truth. It’s like having a stranger walk into your home and start rearranging the furniture. You are authorized to be in charge, but there are right and wrong ways of doing things.
Start by letting your team know you are open to feedback and suggestions at all times. It is also a good idea to find out what kind of team or sales training has been given up until this point. By discovering what your team already knows and does, you can move forward with more confidence and knowledge.
It is perfectly understandable that any new manager or leader wants to make their own mark. But if you undertake this without seeing how things have been done in the past, you could end up making a very weak first impression. You only get one chance at this. That’s why it can pay dividends to give plenty of time to see how the team works before you make any alterations. Get to know people and see how they do things. They might already have great ideas for changes you haven’t thought of.
Having spent time getting to know people, you can then follow up with your own expectations for how you see the team working together. Remember that you may be taking over from someone who had a very different leadership style. Whatever you can do to streamline this process will be of great benefit. So pay attention to your first impression. You only get one shot at it.
Here are some final tips for providing constructive feedback:
• Answer the question “When?” Effective feedback is sensitive to time, place, and situation. Prepare what you plan to say in advance, tagging specific issues with exactly what you plan to say. Precede your comments with a “heads-up” that feedback is coming, so no one is caught off guard.
• Answer the question “Where?” Give feedback privately if possible.
• Answer the question “What?” The content of the feedback and how it is delivered are critical elements. Feedback especially should be constructive and targeted. Focus on one area to improve at a time. Genuinely constructive feedback is clear, objective, and specific. Avoid general comments. Focus on skills or practices that are within the person’s control. Be descriptive rather than judgmental. Avoid using extreme words like always and never. Negative feedback is never easy to give, but combining criticism with praise always makes feedback more effective.
• Answer the question “Who?” Give feedback on an individual basis, and always allow the team member an opportunity to respond. Good communication is never a one-way street. If people feel the need to defend themselves or explain their actions, definitely allow them to do so. Then work together to find a joint solution.
• Know how to ask for feedback, and know how to give it in return. The giving and receiving of an honest response is a key communication skill. One very useful approach to this is known as C-R-C, or “Commend, Recommend, Commend.” First you give a sincere compliment, then follow with practical suggestions for improvement, and close with further praise. At each step, the key is empathy and sincerity.
When dealing with any interpersonal communication, always be aware that what you believe to be the truth is a subjective issue. What you may find ineffective, inappropriate, or even distasteful may be perfectly acceptable or desirable from another person’s point of view. That’s why it’s important to leaven whatever constructive feedback you give with a generous helping of sincere praise. Remember that the attitude of the speaker influences the attitude of the listener, which in turn leads to action on the part of both of them.
If you’ve attended a conference or lecture recently, you’re aware that people are usually asked to turn off their cell phones before the first speaker begins. But what would happen if, instead of being asked to turn off their phones, the audience was asked to put their ring tones on high volume? Almost certainly, there would be an annoying intrusion every few minutes. In fact, there would probably be many of them at the same time.
Something very much like this is actually happening every time you’re in conversation with another person. You may not hear it, but several times a minute that person’s “mental cell phone” is ringing—and there may be times when the person even answers the call and has a whole internal conversation. You don’t even know it, because you’ve just gone on talking. You’ve probably done the same thing too. It seemed like you were listening to the person sitting across from you, but you were really listening to someone else entirely.
The human mind can receive only a certain amount of information at any given moment. In one form or another—whether they’re sights, sounds, or mental images—messages are coming in at every second of the day. To get someone’s complete attention in the midst of this bombardment, your communication must be clear, direct, and to the point. Here are some pointers for making that happen:
Take your time. Every person is different, yet people in general are surprisingly the same. Each of us is both a type and an individual, with at least as many similarities as differences. To communicate effectively, the first requirement is knowing which qualities you share with another person and which ones separate you—and this takes some time. Too many people simply assume that they know all they need to know about another human being. They just start talking. If you have something important to say to a new acquaintance—whether it’s a recent hire in your department or the new coach of your daughter’s soccer team—don’t assume you already know everything you need to know about this person. That’s especially true when you’re in a leadership role, such as department head or sales manager.
Be frank about what you need. This is very important in both professional and personal communication. You need to be assertive but not aggressive, frank but not blunt. Suppose, for example, that you feel it’s time to ask for a raise. That’s a request that raises some delicate communication issues that you’ll need to handle correctly. It’s not just a matter of walking into your supervisor’s office and blurting out your desire (or even your need) for more money. This should be approached with respect and planning, and it should begin long before you actually make the request. Weeks or even months before you meet with the decision maker, you should begin building your case.
Create a paper trail. As you build a case, a good place to start is by keeping a written record of every assignment you have completed for your employer, whether it was menial or monumental. If you were smart, you should have been maintaining a job log from the outset. The milestones you have completed will document your request for a higher salary. Basically, you are asking your employer to increase his costs, and you’ve got to offer a compelling justification for that.
Think of yourself as an attorney presenting an argument in front of a judge and jury. You have to build a case in order to win a favorable decision for your client—but now your client happens to be yourself. Your employer won’t take your request seriously if you don’t treat it seriously. So put in a considerable amount of effort and time in order to prepare for your inquiry. Don’t overlook anything. Did you come up with an idea that saved the firm thousands of dollars last year? That’s great, but don’t forget how you also dressed up like Santa Claus for the company Christmas party, and find a way to work that into the conversation.
Regardless of the data you offer in support of your request, the manner in which you present your case is just as important. This is where clarity and calm are so important. No matter what the outcome of your raise request, maintain a sense of dignity and professional pride. If you do in fact have a legitimate request, you will get what you deserve, whether now or a bit further down the road.
In more personal conversations, documentation is much less important than directness and sincerity. Most people really don’t want to hear about the history of their relationships. They don’t want you to recount what was said at Thanksgiving two years ago or promises that were made on the beach at sunset. It’s much more effective to focus on the present and the future. But one thing is always true no matter who you’re talking to or for what purpose: You must have identified your needs in your own mind, and you must be able to state them clearly. If you get turned down, you know you gave it your best shot. But if you really give it your best shot, the chances are you won’t get turned down.
Not many of us are born knowing how to handle conflict. It takes years of practice, and the practice can be painful. But the first step to conflict resolution is full disclosure. Your employees or even your spouse might be harboring resentments toward you. Once these dark secrets are brought into the light of day, how should you proceed?
Stay calm. It might be tempting to let off steam or pull rank. But once you become angry, it is easy to lose focus and become more interested in the battle than in a positive outcome. If you want to handle conflict effectively, you need to be fully composed.
Encourage communication. Silence may be golden, but silence is unlikely to move things forward when there’s conflict. It’s essential to encourage verbal communication, and the best way to do that is with attentive listening.
Focus on a win-win outcome. When starting from a place of conflict, chances are that the initial prognosis will be win-lose. At that point, it’s just a question of who will come out on top. The win-win option, on the other hand, is a solution that all parties can commit to without feeling anyone has lost. Finding that solution begins with belief that it really exists and that it is possible to achieve. This is why you need to be able to motivate your team if you want to create a productive work environment. By combining good motivational practices with meaningful work, the setting of performance goals, and use of an effective reward system, you can establish the kind of atmosphere and culture that you need in order to excel. The better you are able to link these factors together, the higher the motivation levels of your team are likely to be. That’s a win-win for you, for them, and for your organization.
Set the ground rules. When people are locking horns, it is important to set some ground rules or agreements around what is acceptable in terms of resolving the issues. These ground rules need to be agreed on collectively rather than being imposed by anyone—even you.
Respond, don’t react. When someone “vents” on you, the challenge is to maintain your poise and your patience. Don’t reflexively go into a defensive posture. Give the other person an opportunity to express their concerns, and even their anger, fully. When you do this without becoming reactive, you gain tremendous power in the exchange—because the person who gets angry alone is always the loser. As an interpersonal tactic, anger works only if both parties buy into it. If you refuse to play that game, you’re the automatic winner. So have the courage it takes to look at the truth without fear or blame—because the truth will set you free.
In many corporate cultures, overt praise is in short supply, because most people don’t know how to deliver it well. When given only as an attempt to please others or to qualify oneself, flattery is indeed lame. But delivered wisely and subtly—insightfully, specifically, and empathetically—praise can do wonders.
The truth is, nothing is more potent in human communication than a well-placed compliment, but very few people know how to take advantage of this fact. The cardinal rule of flattery is that it should be insightful, specific, and empathetic. That means no generic brown-nosing. It means actually noticing something that the other guy may be unaware of. Take these steps to distinguish your praise from mere lip service.
Give specific compliments. Understand what makes people nervous, and focus on paying compliments that will comfort them regarding that. For a business leader, it may be addressing and inspiring a crowd of subordinates. For an assistant, it may be her knowledge of office protocol. For a writer, it’s likely his way with words. You need to pay attention to where a person’s lack of confidence lies. Then compliment them accordingly, in the most natural way possible.
Time your praise. Giving praise and showing appreciation is usually most effective immediately after someone does something they deserve praise for. It’s directly after the fact that most people are nervous and itching to hear that they did well. Let time pass and they will calm down or convince themselves that they did well and don’t need anyone else’s approval. Timing also involves assessing someone’s mood. If you see a coworker in a slump, a well-placed and sincere compliment might motivate him and remind him that his work is really important.
Keep praise professional. In a business setting, limit your compliments to work-related achievements, since that is a person’s main function in the office. Complimenting someone on a good joke they sent around by email doesn’t count.
Praise your boss carefully. Complimenting managers demands tact. In general, this is better as an aside than directly. Praise your boss to others. You can also use office gossip to your advantage. Speak highly of your boss to others in the office. Tell them how pleasant it is to work for this person (only if it’s true, of course!). The reliable grapevine will transmit your words to the chief in no time. For the truly tactical, a good way to compliment managers is to learn about their interests and engage in conversation about them. Few people expect others to enjoy their own tastes. Doing so can be very flattering.
Compliments should be valuable. Why is platinum expensive? Because there’s a scarce amount of it out there. Your compliments should remain rare if they are to have any effect. Overdo it and people will not only come to expect your flattery but they’ll be unaffected by it. Compliments are also more valuable if they’re honest. You need to develop a reputation for tactful honesty. Once you’re a trusted source of information, your compliments go much further.
In closing, let’s face the fact that sometimes you need to walk away from a relationship that has become overwhelmingly toxic. But that drastic step usually can be prevented by less drastic adjustments. If you’re worried about how a meeting may turn out, for example, it might be a good idea to meet in a neutral location off-site rather than in the boss’s office or a conference room. Sometimes it means moving the meeting from right after lunch to first thing next morning, when clearer heads might prevail. It might also mean your level of assertiveness to ensure your point is being received. Sometimes it might mean bringing others into the meeting so that the other person understands the results of their attitudes or actions.
And if all else fails, be prepared to move on.
ACTION STEPS
Many of the principles Dale Carnegie writes about in How to Win Friends and Influence People apply directly to communication. Circle the one principle that presents the biggest challenge to you personally and make a commitment to begin applying this immediately. Record the benefits received as a result of this new approach.
• To get the best of an argument—avoid it.
• Show respect for the other person’s opinion. Never tell a person he or she is wrong.
• If you are wrong, admit it quickly, emphatically.
• Begin in a friendly way. Get the other person saying yes immediately.
• Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
• Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers.
• Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
• Be sympathetic to the other person’s ideas and desires.
• Appeal to nobler motives.
• Dramatize your ideas.
• Speak softly.
• Maintain open body language.
• Sustain soft eye contact.
• Smile appropriately.
• Maintain an appropriate physical distance.
• Keep posture attentive; lean forward slightly.
• Don’t interrupt.
• And if a confrontation can’t be avoided, don’t feel you have to get an unconditional surrender. Always give the other person an opening for an honorable retreat.
ACTION PLAN NOTES