Instead of worrying about what people say of you, why not spend time trying to accomplish something they will admire.
—Dale Carnegie
Etiquette is really just another word for manners, and manners is really shorthand for people skills. Etiquette is a “do unto others” system of actions and reactions, and is every bit as applicable in today’s urban environments as it was in earlier settings. Living in a big city can be great, but learning the unwritten rules of city living takes time and careful observation. Just as in the country, if you’re polite and respectful, chances are that others will be polite and respectful right back at you. However, if you’re not mindful of the basic rules of urban etiquette, you’ll likely get some very nasty glares.
In this chapter we’ll look at some of the settings and issues that require a working knowledge of contemporary etiquette. Some of them may surprise you. You may not have realized that everyday occurrences such as conversation or going out for coffee are actually governed by “rules of the road,” but by the end of this chapter you should be able to pass your driver’s test and get your license. Just pay close attention to what follows.
What’s fair game to discuss in a conversation? The answer might be “anything is fair game,” provided you’re talking with friends or family members. But what about interactions with colleagues and coworkers? Here you have to be a little more careful.
A safe nonbusiness topic is one that won’t provoke an unnecessary amount of debate or any hostility to speak of. Among business professionals, popular chatter topics includes sports, current events, your personal background, and of course your work. If you’re doing business anyway, then talking about work can be useful, but people will find a little bit of variety refreshing. If you do talk about your career, just make sure that it doesn’t turn into gossip about your boss or colleagues—unless you have something really nice to say about them!
Just like a personal conversation, a good business interaction needs flow to stay healthy. Perhaps you’re a person who really likes to talk. That’s fine when you’re just being social, but to someone who doesn’t know you that well, this can be irritating in a business situation. But it gets worse. What about a person who dominates a conversation without even realizing it? It’s like bad breath: even your best friends won’t tell you.
You can avoid these traps by using a time limit designed to keep you from babbling incessantly. If you’re asked a question, keep your answer to less than sixty seconds long. But don’t just mutter a few words either. The goal is to keep a steady flow and encourage attentiveness in your companions. For a telephone conversation, being attentive is vitally important since you can’t see the person you’re speaking to. That makes it difficult to gauge the level of attention. When you’re not talking, let the other person finish their thought without your jumping in and trying to finish it for them. When it’s your turn to speak, you hope they’ll grant you the same courtesy.
Just as you would treat your conversation partner with respect, make sure you treat everyone else in their company the same way. That includes everyone from their colleagues at a business event to their assistants on the phone. Equal respect across the board makes your sincerity clearly visible. There’s also a very pragmatic reason for this. It will help your chances of getting through to a senior manager when the person redirecting your call to a key business contact has a positive association with you.
Listening takes practice, because everybody wants to talk. It’s like stopping at a traffic light or paying your income tax: Listening may not be something you initially want to do, but you can come to an understanding that it’s necessary for the greater good. If you can avoid talking as much as a sports announcer or a game-show host, it’s a snap to listen like a pro. Listening will help you get to know the person you’re talking to and work toward creating a solid bond, which will be a building block toward a healthy and ongoing business relationship. If you can lay off the urge to talk too much and listen respectfully, your own words will count for more by coming through louder and clearer at the appropriate times.
Beyond the basic act of listening, the next step is to let the other party know that you’re listening—also known as active listening. If you’re talking in person, you can use body language—eye contact, head nodding—in response to what they say. Try always to add brief remarks that address their points and show an appreciation and understanding for what they’re saying. Think of it as your way of sharing your understanding and attention level with the person talking.
Listening gets a bit more difficult if the person you’re listening to doesn’t have very much to say. Sure, you can politely walk away or hang up and cut your losses, but sometimes people want to open up. You can encourage them by asking a lot of open-ended questions and using keywords that hint at your interest in a topic and a desire to hear further details. It could be as easy as saying something like “I’m new to promotions. It sounds interesting. I’d like to learn more” to a promotions director from your company’s trade partner. When you do this, it makes them feel comfortable and confident in what they’re discussing and they’ll be more willing to open up. But once you’ve got your listening skills down, you’re all set.
The way you talk to others goes a long way toward establishing your credibility or losing it in an instant. Where conversation is concerned, the worst of the worst blunders are inappropriate topics, office gossip, interrupting, and raising your voice.
You might feel targeted if a boss or client is angry with you, but you’ll make it worse by interrupting and raising your voice. Shouting and interrupting aren’t suitable with coworkers either. Yelling across the office to start a conversation is distracting and embarrassing, while interrupting another conversation to “join in” shows impatience and lack of respect.
Aim small with your conversations and don’t go out-of-bounds. Asking basic questions and paying attention will lead to common ground and steer you away from taboos. Keep your personal life private and don’t be a gossip. Instead of talking about others, pay respectful compliments to them instead. If they do the same for you, always thank them. You won’t regret it.
Regrets can’t be undone after a testy argument, so when dealing with an irate client or manager, be proactive and problem-solve. Instead of interrupting or yelling, hear them out and don’t judge. Think about their main issue and calmly offer some solutions. You’d probably be just as upset if you were in their situation, so imagine how you would want to be treated. Also be considerate when starting coworker conversations. Try walking over to see them and if they’re busy, come back or leave a voice mail.
With professional power comes professional responsibility. The ability to work well in your career is a must, but being able to conduct yourself continually in a professional manner is equally critical. One embarrassing miscue could send you packing in a hurry.
The ever-expanding rule book of professional etiquette can make it hard to keep up, but the following business blunders are universally condemned. Here’s how to spot them and what you can do to stay in the safe zone.
Using profanity, intruding on personal space, and unnecessary cell phone chats top the list of behavioral blunders. (By the way, transgressions of etiquette aren’t good anywhere, but they’re most harmful at work, where people witness them up close and on a regular basis.)
Don’t use profanity to make a point. It’ll take away your credibility and make you look childish. In addition to profanity, standing too close to a coworker or being physical with them is also unwise. The work environment isn’t a place for intimacy.
Although an office setting favors speech over intimacy, that shouldn’t include your cell phone. A sudden call at a meeting or lunch can be irritating, especially if you’re talking loudly. Even a loud ring tone shouldn’t be allowed to happen.
Always choose humor over profanity, as it will keep the attention on you and you’ll be well liked for your efforts. When you’re humoring or even just interacting with someone, give them a respectable distance of fifteen inches, smile often, and acknowledge them, as a sign of respect.
Cell phone talk can be lessened through caller ID screening and voice mail, as most calls are unnecessary. Anticipate potential callers and call them first—before work. Don’t answer in a meeting, and speak quietly if you really must take a call. Don’t make your phone visible on a desk or a lunch table.
Business is all about money, isn’t it? Actually, no. Business is about a lot more than money. It’s about people, and money is an important vehicle for conveying your relationships with the people you work with. In fact, personal money issues come up all the time in the workplace and it will be to your great benefit if you know how to handle them. Instead of speaking theoretically about issues of money etiquette, let’s look at a number of real-life situations and see how they’re best handled. Some of these examples are clearly work related, some clearly are not, and some seem to split the difference. But money is always money, so it’s best to be prepared.
Someone takes you out for a meal at a nice restaurant but leaves a very small tip. The service wasn’t great, but not bad either. Can you add cash to the table?
It depends on whom you’re with. If your host is a close friend or relative, you can say, “Would you mind if I put down a few dollars? You probably didn’t notice, but our server was extra helpful to me.” With someone you don’t know well, however, it’s better to just let it go. You wouldn’t want to seem like an ungrateful or judgmental guest.
Your coworkers are collecting money for someone’s baby gift. You are new to the company and don’t really know the recipient. Do you have to contribute as much as the senior staff?
Not at all. Chip in what you can, and a few dollars is fine. Office celebrations can be so frequent that contributing might get burdensome. One solution—suggest that your group try a collection pool. Pick a month to start and have everyone contribute an agreed-upon amount. The resulting fund pays for parties and gifts for the next year. No more collections, no more pressure.
Your daughter often asks you to sponsor her school in book drives or other charitable events. You don’t let your own kids collect from relatives nearly this often. How do you stop the cycle?
Just say no. You’ve become your daughter’s best customer—why would she stop soliciting for more? The next time she asks, let her know that you’ll be cutting back: “Danielle, I’ll be happy to participate, but you should know that this is the only fund-raiser that I can give to this year.” It’s never too early to learn the difference between a benefactor and an ATM machine.
You live on a cul-de-sac that ends in a large grass-covered patch, which the neighbors take turns mowing all summer. Now some people (including you) want to hire a lawn service, but others are balking at the cost. What now?
Unless you have a neighborhood association where the majority rules, you can’t force dissenters to pay. Instead, graciously accept everyone’s decision, then designate which weeks the service will mow and which weeks the nonpaying households will take their turns.
Your department head is having a milestone birthday, so you and three of your junior colleagues are chipping in for a group gift. Should the cost be divided evenly? Or should you, as the senior person who is more highly paid, put in more?
The cost should be split four ways. The numbers are probably not so high that anyone will be seriously damaged—and it might even be insulting to suggest that a coworker could not afford to contribute an equal share.
A number of commentators have pointed out that more business is lost because of poor phone communication than for any other reason. The telephone is a very precarious medium. Some of the reasons for this are obvious. When you’re talking on the phone you have no idea what the other party might be doing, even though you believe you’re getting his or her full attention. In fact, you don’t even know who else might be in the room. So be aware of both the importance and the perils of telephone communication. The following guidelines will help.
Always return calls within twenty-four hours. This should be your rule for all phone calls, but especially for business communications. Even if you don’t yet have an answer to the caller’s question, call and explain what you’re doing to get the requested information, or direct them to the appropriate place to get it.
If you’re going to be out or unavailable at work, have someone pick up your calls or, at a minimum, have your answering system tell the caller when you’ll be back in the office and when they can expect a call back.
When you initiate a call and get a receptionist or secretary, identify yourself and clarify the basic nature of your call. That way you’ll be sure you’re getting the right person or department, and the person you’re trying to reach will be able to pull up the appropriate information and help you more efficiently.
When you’re on the receiving end of a phone call, identify yourself and your department. Answer the phone with some enthusiasm or at least very politely. Even if you are being interrupted, the person on the other end doesn’t know that!
Make sure your voice-mail system is working properly and doesn’t tell the caller that the mailbox is full, transfer them to nowhere, or ring indefinitely. Address technical and system problems. A rude machine or system is as unacceptable as a rude person.
You don’t have to reply to obvious telemarketers. If someone is calling to sell you something, you can indicate that you are not interested and hang up without losing too much time on it. However, you do need to be careful. You may be receiving a call from an insurance or long distance company that wants to hire you as a consultant! Be sure you know the nature of the call before you (politely, of course) excuse yourself.
Personalize the conversation. Many people interact via electronic media the way they behave in their cars. They feel that since they’re not face-to-face with a person, it is perfectly acceptable to be abrupt, crass, or rude. We need to ensure that we make best use of the advantages of these mediums without falling headfirst into the disadvantages.
Going out to eat with a group of friends or colleagues should be a pleasant social experience. Toward that end, it’s important to deal with the money issues discreetly and gracefully. In a time of tightened budgets, the sometimes significant costs of dining out can’t be ignored. That doesn’t mean you always have to grab the check, but don’t pretend that it doesn’t exist either.
Make it clear if you’re treating. You can invite friends to a restaurant without picking up the tab, but use language that makes it clear. Say, “John, would you and Ellen like to meet us at Jackson’s Grill on Saturday? If you’re up for it, I’ll make the reservation.” If you do want to pay for everyone’s dinner, you’d phrase it differently: “We’re hosting a dinner and would like you to be our guests.” A written invitation also says that you are treating.
Avoid haggling. When you go out to dinner with a group of people, you should assume that the check will be split equally rather than calculated down to the penny. It’s easiest for everyone, so plan accordingly. But if you think you’ll be ordering just a light salad with no cocktails and want to pay appropriately, ask for separate bills before you order. (Most restaurants will comply.) Or, when plans are being made, say, “I’d really like to come, but I’m strapped for cash this month. I hope you won’t mind if I get a separate bill.” You won’t overpay, and the arrangement doesn’t have to be discussed at the table.
Don’t skip tips. If your experience was less than wonderful, it’s okay to leave 10 percent or even 8 percent if the service was genuinely rude. But leaving nothing is harsh as well as ambiguous—the server may think you forgot. Decide if the waiter really caused the problems (it might have been the kitchen’s fault that the food was so slow in coming out). And don’t wait until you’re leaving to express dissatisfaction. Mention it as soon as you can so the waiter has a chance to make a positive change.
Leave a tip for the bartender. Always tip a bartender—usually a $1 minimum, unless the service was terrible. Waiters and bartenders survive on tips. If you can afford to eat out, you can afford to tip.
Tip beforehand. Tip the coat check employee and the valet at the beginning of the night. Regardless of what you earn, don’t cheap out on tipping the people who serve you.
Ladies first. In a mixed group, women should always be allowed to pick their seat of preference. A man should gesture for them to take their seat first; then, after they’ve started to sit down, he may do so also. Similarly, women should always order first. Most waiters should instinctively begin with the woman—but if they don’t, men should offer to let their female companions choose first. The days of chivalry may be dead, but the desire to be treated with respect is as alive today as it was in the past.
Keep a lid on it. Don’t have drawn-out conversations on your cell phone in a restaurant. If you must, simply answer and tell the caller that you will call them back at a later time if it’s not urgent. Better yet, turn off your phone or put it on vibrate or silent mode. A simple rule of thumb should be that people come before electronics. Cell phones should also be turned off in movie theaters, at concerts, during plays, and at any other time when taking a call will disturb the patrons around you.
The clock is always ticking. When you’re speaking with a wait-person or with a cashier, a certain amount of friendly banter is appropriate. After all, it’s important to acknowledge the existence of these people as human beings and not as mere servants. But don’t start gabbing as if no one else were waiting to be taken care of.
Most behavior that is perceived as disrespectful, discourteous, or abrasive is unintentional. It could have been avoided by practicing good etiquette. Basic knowledge and practice of etiquette is a valuable advantage, because in a lot of situations, a second chance may not be practical or even possible.
The most important thing to remember is to be courteous and thoughtful to the people around you, regardless of the situation. Consider other people’s feelings and stick to your convictions as diplomatically as possible. Address conflict as situation-related, rather than person-related. Apologize when you step on toes. You can’t go too far wrong if you stick with the basics you learned (or were supposed to learn) in kindergarten—not that those basics are always easy to remember when you’re in a crucial business meeting.
Along these lines, the qualities we admire most in adults are the very traits we work so hard to engender in our children. If you always behave so that you would not mind if your spouse, kids, or grandparents were watching you, you’re probably doing fine. Avoid raising your voice, using harsh or derogatory language toward anyone, or interrupting. In a business setting, you may not get as much “airtime” in meetings at first, but what you do say will be much more effective because it carries the weight of credibility and respectability.
While at work, talk and visit with the people around you. Don’t differentiate among them by position or standing within the company. The next time you need a document prepared or a conference room arranged for a presentation, watch how many people are involved with that process (you’ll probably be surprised!) and make it a point to meet them and show your appreciation.
Make it a point to arrive ten or fifteen minutes early and visit with people who work near you. When you’re visiting another site, linger over a cup of coffee and introduce yourself to people nearby. If you arrive early for a meeting, introduce yourself to the other participants. At social occasions, use the circumstances of the event itself as an icebreaker. After introducing yourself, ask how they know the host or how they like the crab dip. Talk a little about yourself—your hobbies, kids, or pets; just enough to get people to open up about theirs and get to know you as a person.
Try to remember everything you can about as many people as possible. Then use this information in thoughtful ways. Send cards or letters for birthdays or congratulations of promotions or other events; send flowers for engagements and weddings or in condolence for the death of a loved one or family member. People will remember your kindness, probably much longer than you will!
ACTION STEPS
What messages are you sending by your actions, words, and attitudes? Ask yourself whether you’ve done any of the following:
• Conducted personal business on company time?
• Used or taken company resources for personal purposes?
• Called in sick when you weren’t sick?
• Engaged in negative gossip or spread rumors about someone?
• Passed on information that had been shared in confidence?
• Knowingly violated company rules or procedures?
• Failed to follow through on something you said you would do?
• Withheld information that others needed?
• Fudged on a time sheet, invoice, or expense account?
• Knowingly delivered second-rate goods or services?
• Been less than honest in order to make a sale?
• Accepted an inappropriate gift or gratuity?
• Taken or accepted credit for something that someone else did?
• Failed to admit to or correct a mistake? Or knowingly let someone else make a mistake and get into trouble?
These and other seemingly minor actions reflect who you are and what you stand for. When it comes to etiquette, everything is important—especially “the small stuff.” In your action plan, make clear notes of ways you can improve in this area, and then diligently follow up in your work and in your personal relationships.