One of the surest ways of making a friend and influencing the opinion of another is to give consideration to his opinion, to let him sustain his feeling of importance.
—Dale Carnegie
Suppose you could get anyone to do whatever you wanted. It’s actually not that difficult. Some people devote their lives to mastering the art of persuasion, but the basic methods are quite straightforward.
Persuasion is a very specific people skill. Basically, it’s getting people onto your side of the fence without the use of force or intimidation. It’s convincing others to internalize your argument, then embrace it as a part of their own belief system.
Attempting to persuade others to believe you when you lack an identifiable urgency is pointless. If the thing you want—support, money, approval—isn’t obvious, you’ll need to make it obvious by demonstrating a profound need and energizing it with enthusiasm, evidence, and urgency.
In order to get your audience on your side, you have to convince them of a need they may not be aware they had. For example, you need to get a program off the ground immediately because now is the only time it can be implemented with the best possible results.
Toward the goal of persuading their listeners, people use a variety of “loaded” words. Politicians refer to the “war on terror” and “defending democracy.” Advertisers tout a product as “all natural.” What exactly does this mean? And how much does it really matter? In the desire to persuade, meaning itself is often secondary when loaded words are used.
Warren Buffett rarely fails to refer to his investors as “partners,” though they do not meet this definition. He knows, however, that doing so instills a sense of fraternity and amiability without his having to give up anything at all. It’s a simple and effective tactic, because people tend to agree with those who show interest, respect, and even affection. Toward that end, a basic means of persuasion involves not only using words that listeners understand and recognize but even doing something as simple as calling them by name. It’s as basic as meeting someone for the first time. If you’re able to remember and use their name, you’re bound to make a far better impression. This assures the listener that somebody has paid attention to who they actually are. People naturally feel more significant when their names are remembered.
As you begin to understand this, you’re on your way to mastering the people skill of persuasion. As components of this skill, three factors are especially powerful.
Authority: A connection to recognized and established authority satisfies a basic need of any listener. People want to feel that you come from a position of legitimate power. This can be done by displaying your own background and mastery in a particular area or by introducing and aligning yourself with the words and work of an individual who is recognized as a master.
Emotion: Too often, people incorrectly assume that the world is concerned only with facts. While numbers have their place and should never be ignored entirely, an appeal to emotions can prove especially effective in a business setting. The key is to evoke an emotional response by using metaphors or appealing to a sense of adventure.
Reason: Appealing to reason involves the application of unimpeachable facts and figures to influence your audience. For many in the business world, this is the best form of persuasion. Linked with emotion, reason and logic convey the impression of authority, if only because you will appear to be extremely well prepared.
The art of persuasion can be described in terms of a logical, step-by-step progression. It really all boils down to stating your case clearly and effectively. But before you can even begin to do that, you must thoroughly understand your audience—who they are and why they think the way they do. This gives you two important insights. You can empathize with your listeners, establishing a human connection, and you can construct your arguments to show why your view is the one that will work not just to your benefit but to theirs as well.
Build trust. People are automatically wary of anyone who’s trying to change their minds. This is why it’s paramount to gain their trust by convincing them that you are sincere and well intentioned. Show them why you should be heard. You must know what you’re talking about and prove that there is good reason why you think the way you do.
Find common ground. Many people share similar ideas about what’s fair and desirable. Show your audience that your values and ideas mesh with their own. Again, you need to put yourself in their shoes, understand their concerns, and be sympathetic to their feelings.
Structure your information. Any persuasive argument—be it a speech, an essay, or a sales pitch—has a clear structure. Verbally, a successful structure is about repetition and placement. When listing reasons why people should listen to you, save your most powerful points for last, as they will linger in the minds of your captive audience. Also, repeat your most important arguments. Repetition establishes a pattern that remains in the memory.
Show both sides. Weigh the pros and cons of your ideas, as doing so will make you seem fair and reasonable to others. The trick here is to emphasize the pros and underplay the cons. Explain why the cons aren’t so bad, or how the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. Never lie about the cons, because if and when people find out about your deception, they’ll resent you. And they will never trust you again.
Appeal to self-interest. You are more likely to convince someone of an idea if you show them what they stand to gain from it, as this is a question that will always be at the back of their minds. For this to work, you’ll need to know what your audience’s needs are. Grab their attention by telling them you know what they want, then tell them how your idea will satisfy that.
Appeal to authority. As mentioned earlier, everyone loves experts. Everyone listens to experts. If an expert says something, it must be true. So use them in your talk. Find out how your idea, or elements of it, has been approved or endorsed by specialists in this area.
Create consensus. Most people are influenced by what others are doing. You need to show that what you want is approved by a large number of people. Use examples of how your ideas are successful elsewhere or how others have enjoyed them. You can also use a kind of reverse consensus: If what most people are doing is undesirable, show them why and convince them about your idea.
Time your request. You need to develop a sixth sense for good timing. Avoid approaching people with requests during times of great stress. Learn to gauge the general mood and how receptive people will be to you. Look for periods of general confidence and high morale. Make others feel safe and self-assured if necessary.
Be original. It’s a simple law of economics: The more scarce something is, the higher its price. Make yourself or your ideas seem unique or rare, and people will listen more. You can do this by either demonstrating that you hold exclusive information or suggesting that there’s a competitor for what you have to offer.
Be interesting. When you talk in a monotone with lots of um’s, you will lose people the second you start talking. You need to be unique and energized, showing that you are excited about your idea. Appeal to their senses as much as you can. If you’re making a presentation, use lots of visual and audio aids. An impressive spectacle can be as effective as eloquent sentences.
Be reasonable. People like to think they are reasonable, so appeal to their sense of reason. Logic is highly valued in business, and your words should have a logical format. Use an “if . . . then” argument: “If you do this, then good things will happen.”
Be diplomatic. You must treat your audience as you would like to be treated. Speak in a proper tone; don’t yell or talk down to them. More importantly, don’t make them feel foolish for thinking differently from you. You want to reason with people, not argue with them. Even if you win the argument, they will resent you. You’ll gain their respect if you are respectful.
Be humble. No one likes a holier-than-thou egomaniac. Although you believe your idea is better, if you come across as arrogant, people will stop listening. Also, you shouldn’t assume you will convince them right away. Be realistic and accept that you may be turned down.
Use persuasion sparingly. It’s been said that persuasion is like a savings account: The less you use it, the more you’ve got. Learn how to use your powers of persuasion well and at the appropriate moments. With time and practice, you’ll be able to have positive influence on people’s decisions in any number of areas.
Every day people are exposed to sales techniques in various aspects of their lives and schedules. For example, while listening to the morning radio or television over breakfast, a number of advertisements will come over the airways during program breaks. On the drive to work, billboards and signs on the sides of buses and vehicles coax viewers to consider certain products. On the job, a coworker may try to convince others to buy Girl Scout cookies to support her daughter’s troop. The boss could hint that year-end bonuses will be bigger than ever with a little more effort from employees. At dinner in a favorite restaurant, the menu displays mouthwatering photos of expensive entrees and uses descriptive language to persuade customers to try these items.
Persuasion techniques are everywhere, and they can be powerful. They can be helpful, as when pointing out the best foods for maintaining good health. They also can be harmful in attracting teens to buy provocative clothing or illegal products, like cigarettes or alcoholic beverages. Becoming more aware of persuasion techniques can arm the average consumer with knowledge on how to resist unwanted or unnecessary purchases. A typical sales strategy follows these steps.
• Get the customer’s attention.
• Create or identify a need, problem, or desire.
• Offer a solution.
• Close the sale.
Let’s look at the first of these four steps. How do persuasive individuals get the attention of busy, apathetic, or resistant people? There are dozens of ways that are used to put into practice one of the steps listed above. To get a better idea of how persuasion is used to grab someone’s attention, here are some of the most common strategies and persuasion techniques.
“You need it.” A problem is identified, and a solution is offered. This can take the form of a broad issue such as corruption in office during a political campaign: “As a citizen of this state, you need honesty from your government leaders. John Doe is the only honest candidate!”
“You deserve it.” A limit, lack, or gap is met with the ability to fill it. One example: “You deserve more leisure time. We offer an affordable weekend getaway package.”
“You want it.” The persuader arouses a desire and provides a way of meeting it. “Craving chocolate? Try these deliciously rich dark chocolate nuggets.” After tasting a sample, the person may be induced to buy more, even when the item is not on the person’s grocery list or within their budget.
“Try a sample.” Although you will receive a free sample, the hope is to awaken interest in the product and get the potential customer to buy, whether it is a sample of food, pen, new book, et cetera.
“Everyone is counting on you.” This persuasion technique is used, for example, to convince someone to buy health products so that they can stay well for their family or to suggest a community connection where every vote counts.
“A onetime opportunity” Many marketers use this persuasive approach to argue that a particular product is available on a limited basis. For example, a new car may sit on the lot for months, but today might be the only time the salesperson is willing to reduce the price by $300 (or whatever amount).
“Quality, not quantity” When shopping for new merchandise, a sales associate will point out that a more expensive item is built better or has more features, even if it costs more.
“Helping others” The thinking behind this strategy is that endorsing a certain product, idea, or individual will actually help the economy, society, or person. For example, buying an American-made car without considering fuel costs will show support for the U.S. economy instead of supporting overseas-made imports.
“Benefits list” A persuasive salesperson can emphasize a host of benefits perhaps several times during the contact, whether in a media advertisement or an in-person sales push. Any negatives or cost will be downplayed to focus on possible positives.
“Win-win” In getting a person to do something, it is implied that both parties will come out ahead. For example, if a customer buys a discounted picture painted by a “starving artist,” the customer gets a good deal while the artist makes money and builds a reputation.
“Either-or” Narrowing the choices to an either-or decision puts pressure on the customer and channels the choice in one of two directions. “Either vote this candidate in or expect continued corruption.”
“Scare tactics” This approach creates a fear mentality to suggest that failure to do what the speaker wants may result in loss, damage, or destruction.
“Bandwagon approach” The persuader will point out that the smart or popular people are using the product or buying into the idea, with the implication that those who don’t are the opposite kind of people.
In assessing persuasive techniques like these, you need to understand the processes that are at work. While a product or idea may hold merits, you as a buyer should be convinced by those merits, not by covering negatives and inflating positives. A thoughtful consumer will think about the pros and cons of adopting an outlook that is pushed by someone and consider the logic of a particular point of view.
Persuasion techniques come in many variations. That’s why it’s better to avoid making hurried purchases or too quickly adding assent to an issue where facts may be missing or where persuasive strategies like these may color the logic to block wisdom’s path.
We’re all sending silent messages out into the world, and the vocabulary we use consists of a reliable, legible set of motions and gestures. Body language—nonverbal communication—expresses our deeper feelings, even when those feelings contrast with the words we use. Facial expressions, the position of arms and legs and hands, how we sit, stand, listen, and speak all convey differing degrees of deceit or honesty, concern or uninterest. Very simply, a wealth of information.
Some silent communications are casual; others are a chess game. Whether meeting a date or going in front of a boss, learning to decode body language can provide a tremendous advantage. You can decipher what people are truly feeling but, for whatever reason, have chosen not to convey verbally. Often, what goes unspoken can be a tremendous source of insight just waiting to be tapped. Furthermore, understanding nonverbal cues allows you to control and dictate your own body language so that you’re sending the signals you want without giving up anything you’d prefer to keep to yourself.
Studies have concluded that in face-to-face communications, spoken words typically account for 7 percent of the received meaning. Tone of voice accounts for 38 percent, and body language is responsible for 55 percent. In short, the receiver is most likely to respond to either tone of voice or body language—not to the actual words used. Jury consultant Jo Ellen Dimitrius says that when jurors are asked what makes a witness appear confident, they cite body language twice as frequently as any other category. In other words, people “hear” with their eyes.
What is your body language saying about you? When you give a presentation or run a sales meeting, are you coming across as authoritative, confident, and credible or insecure, unreliable, and out of your league? Most importantly, how can you develop better language skills?
In fact, simply avoiding the most common mistakes and replacing them with more confident movements will make a big difference. Here are seven body language problems that will leave your audience unimpressed and alienated. Train yourself to avoid them, and you’ll see that simple changes can make all the difference. Here are a few things to be wary of.
Avoiding eye contact: This says you lack confidence and are nervous and unprepared. You should spend 90 percent or more of any conversation looking into the eyes of your listeners. In formal presentations, most people spend far too much time looking down at notes, PowerPoint slides, or the table in front of them. Not surprisingly, most speakers can change this behavior instantly simply by watching a video of themselves. Powerful business leaders look at their listeners directly in the eye when delivering their message. Eye contact is by far the most important element of body language. We’ll have much more to say about it later in this chapter.
Poor posture: Slouching says that you lack confidence and authority. When standing stationary, you should place your feet at shoulder width and lean a bit forward. Pull your shoulders slightly forward as well—you’ll appear more energetic. Head and spine should be straight. Don’t use a tabletop or podium as an excuse to lean on it.
Fidgeting or rigidity: Rocking back and forth or scratching yourself makes you look nervous, unsure, or unprepared. So stop fidgeting. On the other hand, don’t stand there like a stone statue either. Move around a bit, but make it appear there’s a purpose. Purposeful movement is not only acceptable in a conversation, it’s very welcome.
Unconvincing gestures: Gestures are fine; just don’t overdo it. Researchers have shown that gesturing reflects complex thought. Gestures leave listeners with the perception of confidence, competence, and control. But the minute you try to copy a hand gesture, you risk looking contrived, like a bad politician. Don’t use gestures that seem incongruous with your words. The effect will be like watching a video clip with mismatched audio.
The essential point is, you need to use your body as a communication tool fully equal to your words. Effective body language will help you increase the energy of any contact, whether you’re interviewing for a job, going on a first date, or negotiating an important purchase.
As mentioned above, eye contact is the most vital component of body language, so we’re going to spend the rest of this chapter on that very misunderstood element.
Look into My Eyes
Eye contact is an aspect of nonverbal communication that is critical not only throughout human civilization but among many species of animals as well. The animal kingdom tends to perceive direct eye contact as a challenge or sign of aggression. For example, the Centers for Disease Control’s dog bite prevention guide stresses the importance of avoiding eye contact with an unfamiliar dog. Dogs perceive direct eye contact as a sign of challenge and fight to maintain their position. Similar behavior has also been observed in bears and primates.
Maintaining eye contact during a conversation gives the impression that you are friendly and that you are paying attention to the other person. In some cultures, however, direct eye contact is considered rude or hostile. Understanding the message that you are sending through eye contact is important to improving communication in any environment.
It is important to understand the difference between eye contact and staring. While eye contact sends the message that you are confident, relaxed, and interested in what the other person has to say, staring is considered rude and even threatening. Understanding the difference between eye contact and staring is an advanced skill that can enhance your communication with others.
Staring involves looking solidly at the other person without a break. Many of us engaged in staring contests as children, and we still remember the uncomfortable feeling that generally accompanied the game. In a staring contest, the participants often avoid blinking, which leads to painful, watery eyes. Real-world staring does not necessarily mean failing to blink, but it does mean keeping one’s eyes on another person without pausing. This behavior can make the other person feel uncomfortable, as if his or her personal space has been violated.
When maintaining normal eye contact, each person looks into the other’s eyes and then away again. The speaker checks in visually with the listener, and the listener confirms understanding through meeting the speaker’s eyes. This process cycles every few seconds throughout the duration of the conversation.
In the United States, avoiding eye contact sends the message that you are uncomfortable, perhaps because you have something to hide. You may be perceived as rude, unfriendly, or even arrogant. Depending on the circumstances, you may appear to be submissive or overdominant. Generally, a lack of eye contact when someone is speaking communicates submission, while avoiding eye contact when questioned indicates deceit.
The balance between too little eye contact and too much is delicate. Healthy eye contact within a two-way or small group conversation depends partly upon the group dynamics. If the conversational participants are familiar or emotionally close, a greater level of eye contact is often used. If the group members are naturally shy, however, less eye contact may occur. If you are in a new group and unsure how to use eye contact effectively, try mirroring the other participants.
Mirroring is a psychotherapeutic technique that is effective for communication with anyone. In mirroring, you actively pay attention to someone else’s behavior and adjust yours to achieve similarity. Therefore, if the group seems to be looking back and forth from each other’s eyes to the project at hand, try doing the same thing. In order to minimize confusion, you may wish to select just one person, perhaps the group leader, to mirror.
Public speaking situations require special care in eye contact. You will need to find a way to make each member of your audience feel drawn in, as if your speech is intended specifically for him or her.
In order to accomplish this, try sweeping the room with your eyes. Find one person in each section, seated near the middle of that section. Direct your gaze toward that person for four or five seconds, then move on to the next section and repeat the process. As you move back and forth between sections, be sure to pick out a new person each time. An older public speaking technique was to direct your gaze just over the heads of the audience, at a point on the back wall. However, this technique tends to lead to you locking your eyes on that spot, making those in the middle section feel that they are being stared at and those on the sides feel ignored.
Eye contact is an extremely important part of body language and nonverbal communication. In the United States and in many other countries, eye contact is crucial in job interviews, when asking someone for a date, and in many other important human interactions. If you are naturally shy, you may have difficulty maintaining eye contact. You can learn to improve your eye contact skills through practice, however. It may take a bit of work, but you will find the rewards of good eye contact to be well worth the effort.
ACTION STEPS
1. Think of a situation in which you were persuaded to do something or purchase something you were initially against. What persuaded you to change your mind?
2. Now think of something you need to persuade a coworker or friend to do and apply the techniques in this chapter to present your case and the benefits to that person. Record the outcome, what you learned as a result, and what you could do better next time.