Make an honest assessment of the nuts and bolts of a situation.You can make more friends in a month by trying to get interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
—Dale Carnegie
We’ve now come a long way in our discussion of people skills and how they can be assertively put into action. There are only two chapters left in the book, and they are equally practical and important. The first takes us to the fifth and final essential people skill, assertive conflict resolution. Conflict is a reality in the workplace and it’s essential that leaders learn tools to effectively deal with and resolve issues before they escalate. There are many reasons for this. Legal issues around conflict have come to the fore. Expensive court fees have become the consequence of what used to be merely unpleasant incidents. This is especially true when the conflict erupts around issues of race, gender, age, ethnicity, or many other sensitive areas. Most disturbing, there have been well-publicized incidents in which workplace conflicts have turned violent. All these factors have made conflict prevention and resolution tools more valuable than ever before.
At the outset, let’s get a perspective on exactly what’s involved in these kinds of situations and on how complicated they can become. To do that, we’ll look at an incident from the life of a man who is better known for things other than getting into fights. As you’ll see, his esteemed reputation came later in his career.
In 1842, Abraham Lincoln was thirty-two years old and serving his third term in the Illinois state legislature. Lincoln had already acquired a reputation as a hardworking lawyer, something of an athlete, and a gifted teller of humorous stories. He also had a habit of writing editorials and letters to the editor of his local newspaper. Often these were laced with self-deprecating jokes at his own expense. Not always, though. Sometimes Mary Todd, his future wife, helped him compose his submissions to the newspaper, and these collaborations tended to have a more aggressive kind of wit. Usually Lincoln and Mary used the pseudonym Rebecca to sign their letters.
In the spring of 1842 Lincoln wrote a letter to the newspaper that explicitly attacked another state official named James Shields. This individual was not exactly a popular man about town. He was widely viewed as a braggart and a loudmouth. In his letter, Lincoln used a satirical style to attack Shields for his political views, and he also called Shields a liar and a coward. Strangely, after the first letter appeared, three more followed in rapid succession, all of them attacking Shields. Shields was outraged. He demanded to know who had written all these letters signed with the name Rebecca. Of course, Lincoln was puzzled too, but he soon found out that Mary Todd and a friend of hers were the culprits.
In order to protect the identities of the women, Lincoln took responsibility for all of the letters, but Shields was by no means satisfied. In fact, he challenged Lincoln to a duel. Lincoln had no choice but to accept, but this marked a real turning point in what today would be called his people skills.
Lincoln realized that he had been making a tremendous mistake with his provocative letters. Although Shields was indeed an extremely unpleasant character, it was clear to Lincoln that he himself had provoked this conflict, and now he was going to have to fight a duel over it. According to the rules of dueling, it was up to Lincoln to choose the weapons. Since Shields was only five feet nine and Lincoln was six feet four, Lincoln sought to maximize his height advantage by selecting extremely long cavalry swords. Before the duel actually took place, however, Lincoln wrote one more letter. He wrote a letter to Shields himself. In this letter, Lincoln offered to print a public apology to Shields in the newspaper. For a man who was already a public figure with high political ambitions, this was a bold step. Lincoln knew that he had caused the conflict and that it was his responsibility to resolve it, even if it meant losing face. Shields, however, refused to accept Lincoln’s offer, and the duel took place as scheduled.
Fortunately, as the duel began, Shields quickly realized that Lincoln’s long reach created a hopeless mismatch. Lincoln made this clear by reaching over Shields’s head with his sword and cutting off a branch of a tree. At this point friends of both men intervened and the duel came to an end. So did the conflict. The men shook hands and returned to their homes. Lincoln had learned something very important, however, and he never again wrote an anonymous letter. He never again directed his wit at another person in public. Years later, he acknowledged that the Shields incident was one of the most painful memories of his life. Without doubt, it was also one of the most important memories. With the lessons that he learned from it, he was later able to find compassion and respect for the Southern states after their defeat in the Civil War. This momentous event likely played a significant role in his refusal to enact the harsh punishments that many recommended. It’s worth noting too that during the war Lincoln asked his old enemy Shields to serve as a general in the Union Army.
In discussing workplace conflicts and how you can assertively resolve them, we’ll make a distinction between two kinds of situations. The first are those in which you are directly involved as one of the parties in conflict, and the second are conflicts in which you are a third party or mediator.
When you are directly involved in a conflict as one of the participants, there are certain assertive steps that you can and should take as soon as possible. As we look at these one by one, please notice that none of them depends on the specific issues around which the conflict is taking place. None of them focuses on determining who is right or wrong, or who is good or bad. In the worst-case scenario, lawyers or professional mediators can decide those questions. For our purposes, however, we’ll simply assume that angry conflict in a business setting is inherently negative and unproductive. Our goal will be to assertively bring it to an end as quickly and as fairly as possible.
In looking at any conflict situation, a good place to start is by identifying the variables. These are the places where there’s a real possibility for change or adjustment. When you’re one of the principals in a conflict, you’ll sometimes see many of these areas and sometimes very few. Some elements in the conflict are always amenable to change, and these are your own thoughts, feelings, and responses. Even when the other side in a conflict seems totally unwilling to change, you can still exert a positive influence. It’s up to you to do so. True, your ego can get in the way, but being flexible to some extent doesn’t mean you have to let other people walk all over you. This is just another instance where you can choose assertiveness over aggressiveness or passivity. Let’s look at some specific elements in making that choice.
First, make an honest assessment of the power balance in the specific situation. One of the hard things about business conflict is the fact that it quickly becomes totally unsentimental. When money and workplace issues are involved, it’s amazing how quickly everything else burns away. All the lunches, the company retreats, and the softball games mean nothing when the pedal meets the metal in a corporate setting. Ironically, this is something that makes business conflicts easier to handle than serious arguments between spouses, family members, or close friends. In those conflicts, there really are deep emotional issues that can make a clear resolution very difficult to come by. In business arguments, you may be shocked to realize how little personal feelings mean when push comes to shove.
Steve Makes an Honest Assessment
As you examine the power balance in the conflict, look at the difference between what the parties merely want and what they really need. Here’s an example of what this means. Steve was a human resources expert. He created roundtable meetings in which corporations could hear experts speak about HR issues, and where information could be exchanged. Steve organized an average of one roundtable a month at sites in the United States, the Pacific Rim countries, and Western Europe. It was very important to Steve’s business that these events take place in first-class hotels, with excellent dining and accommodations. It was also important that the guest speakers be recognized authorities in the field. Steve was very good at making this happen, and his business was very successful for more than twenty years.
More recently, it came to Steve’s attention that his website needed to be updated to match the other aspects of his events. Steve had had a website for a number of years, but he had never paid much attention to it. The website was just one of several ways in which potential clients could get information about the business or current clients could find out about upcoming events. When a client mentioned that Steve’s website looked embarrassingly outdated, he began to search for a first-rate website designer.
Steve interviewed a number of people, and before long he found Sharon, who seemed to have exactly the capabilities that he needed. There was only one problem. When Sharon told Steve about her fee, his jaw just about hit the floor. The very idea of paying that much money for website design seemed outrageous. Sharon, however, pointed out that hers was a reasonable market price for a top-notch designer. According to her, this was what Steve would have to pay if he wanted outstanding work. He could pay less, of course, but he would also get less than the optimum result.
Although Steve and Sharon had gotten along well in their initial discussions, it was amazing how quickly their negotiations grew hostile. To Steve, it almost seemed impertinent of Sharon to suddenly grow so demanding when she had been so friendly up to this point. On a purely emotional level, he wanted nothing more to do with her.
If Steve got rid of Sharon, however, where would he be? Sharon was telling the truth when she said that hers was the going rate for good web designers. When he took the emotion out of it, Steve saw that he needed exactly what Sharon offered. On the other hand, what he wanted was something very different. He desired a first-rate designer who would charge much less money. In the real world, though, after additional research on the part of Steve, it seemed that this wasn’t possible. In any case, he would certainly have to do a lot more interviewing. What’s more, Steve actually did have the financial resources to pay what Sharon was asking. In truth, the basis of the conflict was the fact that Steve felt personally insulted by what Sharon was asking. Once he took those feelings out of the equation and looked at the business realities, it was easy to close the deal with Sharon. This was not backing down. This was assertive conflict resolution, which includes being assertive with yourself as well as the other party.
So an honest, nuts-and-bolts assessment of the situation, including your needs, is the first step toward resolving it. Making this assessment is your responsibility, but it’s not your only responsibility in assertive conflict resolution. You also need to give the other side whatever information is necessary for them to make a decision and reach the same level of clarity that you have.
In the situation we just looked at, Sharon did a good job. She was clear about what she needed, and she was clear about the fact that she could not work for less. She also made it clear that her position was in line with the realities of the marketplace. This is neither aggressiveness nor passivity. It’s assertiveness. Sharon did her research, was confident about the facts, and was able to state her position very clearly. If you do this honestly and convincingly, there’s a good chance you can prevent a conflict from getting started. If conflict does start, you can keep it from escalating or bring it quickly to an end.
If do you find yourself in conflict, think of how small children behave when they’re arguing in the sandbox, and don’t act like that! Don’t call people names. Don’t point fingers. Don’t try to paint yourself as completely blameless at the expense of the other party. Those tactics only increase self-justification and defensiveness by the other side. Talk about your own behavior rather than anyone else’s. If you’re feeling impatient, it’s much better to say “I’m going to wait until you’re finished talking” than “Why don’t you stop talking already?” It’s not always easy to show that kind of restraint, but it’s much more productive in the long run.
Another key point: Keep the focus on the present or the future. Don’t get hung up on the past. Invoking what happened last week or last year is almost always a bad idea in business conflicts, regardless of the point you’re trying to make. Often people refer to past successes as a way of getting what they want now: “Look at all I’ve done for this company in the last year! You can’t treat me like this now!” All that may be true, of course, but it’s essentially a sentimental argument. As we’ve said, both the good thing and the bad thing about business relationships is that they’re basically unsentimental. Business friendships are mainly significant when everything is going well. When problems arise in the workplace, it’s amazing how fast good buddies can become strangers.
Instead of talking about the past, emphasize what you can contribute now and in the future, provided this conflict is brought to a satisfactory end. This is your real bargaining chip. This is how you can show that it’s in everyone’s best interests if your needs are met. On the other hand, if you can’t present yourself as a valuable asset to the future of the organization, your position is greatly weakened. So always be aware of what the company really needs, and why those needs can’t possibly be met without your contribution.
Also on the subject of the past, avoid using certain words and phrases that tend to perpetuate ongoing problems and drag them into the present situation. If the discussion gets heated, for example, you might find yourself telling someone, “You always do that” or “You never fail to act that way.” These kinds of negative descriptions and generalizations tend to be self-fulfilling. In trying to resolve a conflict, it’s much better to be aware of any positive changes, however small, and reinforce them.
One of the most important instances of this principle occurred during the Cuban missile crisis of 1962. As you may know, this was the closest the world has ever come to an atomic war, with the United States and the Soviet Union facing off over the presence of Russian nuclear missiles in Cuba. At one point, the United States received what seemed to be a positive message from the Russians, suggesting a way that the conflict could be resolved. While President Kennedy and his advisers were studying the message, a second communication arrived, which was much more hard line. At this point, Kennedy made a brilliant move. He decided to respond immediately to the first message and ignore the second one. By reinforcing the positive rather than focusing on the negative, the world was literally saved. So remember this principle. It’s assertive, and it’s effective.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, let’s look on the bright side. Let’s envision a scenario in which you have successfully brought the conflict to a resolution. In fact, let’s assume that your needs have been met and that in conventional terms you could be considered the “winner” of the dispute. At this point, it’s very important that you resist any temptation to do a dance in the end zone, as it were. If you don’t leave the other party an honorable retreat, you can be certain the conflict will reignite at some point. Next time the outcome might not be so favorable, though. As we mentioned, this was something Lincoln understood as the Civil War drew to a close, and there was never again an open conflict between the states. It was something the Allies failed to understand at the end of World War One, and the result was economic catastrophe and the rise of Adolf Hitler.
If you fail to be gracious at the end of a conflict in a business setting, you may not turn the other party into a fascist dictator, but you’ll almost certainly come to regret your behavior. After all, the purpose of assertive conflict resolution is not a “win” but an “all-win.” When you keep that in mind, you’ll take a big step toward mastering people skills, not just mastering people.
So far in our discussion of conflict resolution, we’ve focused mostly on what is said. We’ve emphasized what to say and not to say. But the truth is that 90 percent of a human interaction takes place through nonverbal communication. This includes facial expressions, gestures, and body language in general. It can also include your choice of clothing, what you order for lunch, or whether you’re late or early for a meeting.
People tend to react more to what we think someone means than what they meant to say or actually say. This is especially true in conflict situations. For this reason, you need to pay just as much attention to your nonverbal signals as you do to your words. Body language is especially important in this respect. In fact, the power of body language is so strong that it can create trust or erode it almost instantly. So make no mistake: Good nonverbal communication is a critical skill for conflict resolution.
On the most obvious level, positive body language means smiling, making eye contact, and standing neither too close nor too far away from another person. But there’s more to it than that. When you match or mirror the postures, gestures, and tone of voice of the other party, their brain receives some very reassuring signals. The message that your mirroring language suggests is, “Hey, this person is just like me.” Since people trust those who are most like them, you can think of nonverbal communication as a kind of dance. You are the follower, but by following well, you’ll actually be able to take the lead. Once again, this is a good way to both prevent conflict and bring it to a positive resolution.
Remember, the key is always to be as subtle and discreet as possible. The purpose of mirroring, for example, is not to mimic precisely what the other person is doing. It’s not a matter of scratching your head whenever they do. Rather, it’s putting them at ease by trying to capture the meaning of their actions, while keeping your intention outside their conscious awareness.
Let’s look at some specific techniques for achieving this result. First, keep yourself in sync by making sure that your body language, your words, and your tone of voice all match. Suppose someone is telling you how sorry he is about a perceived insult. You might be gratified by what he’s saying, but what if his arms are tightly crossed against his chest? What if his eyes are rolling as he speaks? What if his whole nonverbal message is that he still thinks you’re an enormous pain in the butt? In that case, the positive meaning of his words is a lot less assertive than the negativity of everything else.
Second, when you’re speaking forcefully with another person, maintain eye contact without staring or glaring, and don’t forget to blink! To see how important this is, try looking in the mirror while just slightly squinting your eyes or looking off to the side. Even the smallest difference has a huge effect on how you’re perceived.
Third, assess the atmosphere and spirit of the interaction, and match the other person’s energy. Stand, walk, or sit just as they do. Do they walk fast or slow? Do they lean toward you in their chair or incline away from you? Then gradually adapt your positions so that they match or mirror the other person. As we’ve said, don’t make this too obvious. It’s not a game of charades. It’s using a basic people skill with subtlety and taste. In addition to matching gestures, match tone of voice as well. Voice tone is comprised of three elements: high or low pitch, fast or slow speed, and loud or soft volume. If the people around you are speaking in quiet tones, or more emphatically, you should do the same.
Fourth, make an effort to sound positive and enthusiastic, even if the discussion gets heated. People are always influenced by positive energy. Difficult though it may be, assertive conflict resolution means smiling and looking confident no matter what. If you start to feel uncontrollably hostile, take a deep breath or ask for a glass of water. Make a focused effort to improve your mood.
Fifth, if you know you’re going to have a meeting in which conflict may arise, make sure you’re dressed appropriately. Even before you say anything, wearing the wrong clothes can be extremely insulting. On the other hand, you can again use the mirroring principle simply by dressing as the situation requires.
Next, pay special attention to the importance of the handshake. This is a time-honored gesture that has deep resonance in our culture, especially in terms of conflict resolution. After all, the original intention of a handshake was to show that the parties were not hiding knives in their hands! In general, a firm handshake is an especially assertive sign, and it is a significant gesture when sealing deals and resolving conflict.
Finally, after any meeting in which conflict has surfaced, it’s a very good idea to write by hand a brief and sincere note to the other party in a positive and conciliatory tone. Do this win, lose, or draw. A note like this is not just a communication. It’s actually a gift, and when you give someone a gift, they tend to respond in kind.
Above all, remember that conflict resolution is mostly based on intention. You know in your heart when you’re ready to stop fighting. When you feel that impulse, don’t let your ego prevent you from responding to it. By the same token, be alert for signs in the other party that they’re ready to move in the direction of resolution. Often these signs are very small and subtle, but don’t ignore them. Assertive conflict resolution means picking up on any positive sign and making the most of it.
ACTION STEPS
1. The account of how Lincoln humbly apologized to James Shields for the letters that were published in the newspaper is powerful. He clearly took responsibility, and seeing the errors of his ways, humbly apologized. Reflect on your career. Have you been willing to accept full responsibility for any errors that had been made by you or your team? Make a list of those past errors that you hold yourself accountable for. If there is something you need to own up to, it’s never too late. After doing so, make the commitment to take full responsibility for your action.
2. When dealing with conflict, there are steps you can take to make the experience as pleasant and productive as possible. The next time you have to work out a conflict, go through the steps below and put an X in the boxes where you need to improve your skills and a check by the areas in which you were effective.
Make an honest assessment of the nuts and bolts of a situation.
Include your needs in the assessment.
Avoid rhetoric that attacks the other. This will only create defensiveness in their response.
Talk about your behavior over someone else’s.
Focus only on the present and future. Don’t dig up past incidents.
Watch your nonverbal body language. Remain in an open, responsive stance, and avoid folding your arms or leaning away from the interaction. These are signs of defensiveness and closed-mindedness.
No matter what the outcome, end on a gracious and hospitable note.
3. Write a list of internal struggles or conflict that you are currently facing. Then write out the action steps that you need to take to resolve them. When possible, give yourself a deadline. Then take a breath and acknowledge yourself for being so courageous and proactive.