We agreed in Chapter 1 that for purposes of this book, we would define “ritual” as actions that we perform in a certain way and in a certain sequence, for a purpose that has emotional and spiritual meaning and is greater than the sum of its sometimes banal parts. Again, rituals are something we do, not just with our bodies but with our whole selves. Rituals engage us physically, cognitively, emotionally, and spiritually—and in the case of group rituals, socially.
So far we’ve largely been discussing the power and purpose of ritual in general. In this chapter and the rest of the book, we’ll be homing in more tightly on our topic: grief rituals. Together we’ll review the components of grief rituals and what each component contributes to a ritual’s power. But first let’s take a quick look at another foundational grief principle I call the six needs of mourning.
While each person’s grief is unique, all grievers have six needs of mourning they must engage with throughout their journeys if they are to find their way to reconciliation and healing. I’m presenting them here because an awareness of the six needs will help you understand how grief rituals facilitate mourning.
Essentially, the six needs of mourning are the work of mourning. They require active participation. Part of the reason that grief rituals are so effective is that when we do them, we are choosing to actively engage with some or all of the six needs of mourning. We are making the life-affirming choice to heal, and we are acting on it.
When we are in grief, we have a need to fully acknowledge the reality of the death of someone loved, not only with our heads but with our hearts. Encountering this reality is challenging, to say the least, but also essential. Because they focus on the loss, grief rituals help us, slowly and over time, fully acknowledge the reality that someone we love will never be physically present to us again here on earth.
Grief is necessary, and so is the pain of grief. When we practice a grief ritual, we are carving out a time and space to feel and think about our loss. We might experience sadness, anger, fear, guilt, or any number and combination of emotions, but because the structure of ritual helps hold us up, and because we know there is a beginning and an end to the ritual, we can trust that we are safe as we embrace our pain. We can and will survive.
On the grief journey, we convert our relationship with the person who died from one of presence to one of memory. Those among us who believe in or hope for an afterlife may also build another form of relationship, one based on separation and eventual reunion. Grief rituals that include an element of activating memories of the person who died help us work on this mourning need.
After someone central to our lives dies, we are different. The ways in which we think of our lives and ourselves, and sometimes that society thinks of us, change. Our daily routines may change. Our passions and purpose evolve. Grief rituals create a time and place of stillness in which to consider who we are and who we want to be.
We naturally wonder about the “whys” of life and death when we are in grief. What is the purpose of life? Why are we here? Why did someone we love have to die, now and in this way? Why go on? These are the kinds of questions we wrestle with in our hearts and souls. We may also struggle with religious beliefs. Grief is a spiritual journey, and this mourning need arises because our spirits are wounded. Grief rituals help us actively ponder the meaning of life in general and the meaning of our continuing, individual lives in particular.
Since mourning is expressing our grief outside ourselves, healing in grief is in part a social process. We need and deserve the empathy and support of others as we actively encounter and share our grief. The grief rituals in Chapter 7 provide opportunities for you to involve friends and family. This not only helps you encounter the six needs of mourning, it activates ongoing social support. The healing power of group grief rituals cannot be overestimated.
Yes, grief rituals help you be a more active participant in your mourning. They are intense but brief doses of the six needs of mourning. This makes them effective in rather the same way that high-intensity interval exercise is effective. They pack a lot of oomph into just a few minutes. But to extend the exercise metaphor, because grief rituals also include intention and structure (more on that next), it’s like having a trainer on hand to step you through the activity. You are able to mourn intensively yet safely and with support.
Keep in mind that in grief, all forms of mourning, including grief rituals, are self-care. Your soul is injured and needs loving attention and expression. Not only is it critical each day in grief to feed your body nutritious foods, hydrate your body well, get ample sleep and rest, and exercise gently, it’s also essential to provide tender loving care to yourself cognitively, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. As I mentioned earlier, the grief rituals in this book will help you in all of these realms. They are powerful, multidimensional daily doses of self-care. Think of them as a super-vitamin for the soul.
Effective grief rituals are built with the ingredients listed on the following pages. This isn’t to say that you won’t also be helped along in your time of grief by simpler daily or intermittent rituals. For example, you will also likely find comfort in routines such as preparing tea, watching your favorite TV show, riding your bike on summer Saturdays to the farmer’s market, and even folding the laundry. Any small commitment to continued engagement with life and living can provide a reason to get out of bed in the morning and become a steppingstone to the next activity.
Most inconsequential daily habits don’t leverage intentionality, symbolism, heart, and spirit, but they do involve routine actions, sequence, and presence. Presence, especially, can help you cope with your grief on any given day and learn to live more in the moment moving forward—a life-enhancing skill. So I encourage you to practice these “small habits” as well as the more intentional grief rituals presented in this book. Both will give you momentum in your grief journey and supercharge your healing.
And now, without further ado, the ingredients of grief rituals:
Intentionality
When you incorporate intentionality into your grief rituals, you make explicit your hopes and goals. Taking a few seconds at the beginning of each ritual to speak your intention will set a course for hope and healing.
Actions
Rituals always involve your body. Moving or using your body in certain ways as you perform a ritual helps integrate your physical, cognitive, emotional, and spiritual selves. Adding purposeful sensory details—sights, smells, tastes, sounds, and tactile elements—enhances the experience. When appropriate, feel free to add background music, incense, scented candles, essential oils, appealing textures, and other layers of sensory input to your rituals. And as you perform the daily grief rituals listed in this book, I invite you to modify the recommended actions to suit the mobility and needs of your body.
Symbolism
Symbols are potent elements of ritual. In the same way that a wedding ring, a white rose, a national flag, or a peace symbol represent much bigger concepts, objects important to your stories of love and loss as well as your ongoing search for meaning can be powerful touchstones in your grief rituals.
Sequence
Rituals have a beginning, middle, and end. The elements are usually performed in the same order because the sequence itself builds meaning and effectiveness. We wouldn’t blow out the candles before we sang “Happy Birthday,” right? Rituals, like good stories and good music, start at a baseline then build to a crescendo then end with a brief but satisfying close.
Grief rituals stand apart from the rest of our days. We don’t allow the busy-ness of our lives to intrude on them. Instead, we create an oasis of time and place, and we commit to being fully physically, cognitively, emotionally, and spiritually present as we carry out the rituals.
Heart
Rituals are emotional. Birthdays, baptisms, initiation ceremonies, flag retirements—they all have the power to bring a tear to our eyes and a swell to our hearts. In grief rituals, we commit to being open to and accepting of whatever emotions arise. We allow ourselves the gift of time and presence to acknowledge, welcome, and feel our feelings, no matter what they are.
Spirit
The spiritual nature of ritual is what creates the transcendent power of the experience. On the surface, we may seem to be simply carrying out a series of simple, no-big-deal actions, but with the addition of intention, symbolism, presence, and heart, we are catapulting the experience into the realm of the spiritual. Even when a grief ritual doesn’t seem explicitly spiritual, it’s spiritual. Day by day, small ritual by small ritual, you will be relighting your divine spark—that essential flame inside you that gives your life meaning and purpose. You will be restoring your soul.
The ingredients of grief rituals can be manifested and combined in infinite ways. As long as a grief ritual includes these ingredients, it will be potentially effective. I say “potentially” because you will likely not enjoy or feel a sense of connection or support with all of the rituals. Some simply won’t be a good fit for you, while others will work and resonate well. Feel free to pick and choose, to try and discard, and to modify as needed to make daily grief rituals work for you.