The grief rituals in this chapter are rituals you can perform by yourself, in your ritual space at home, without extensive preparation.
As you grow more comfortable with incorporating ritual into your day, you might want to try stepping through some of these rituals in other locations, such as a place you find inherently spiritual. Note that Chapter 6 will offer ideas for personal daily grief rituals meant to be carried out in locations outside the home, in your community or at destinations of your choice.
On any given day, please feel free to pick and choose a ritual that feels right to you. The 10-Minute Grief Encounter Ritual is a good default ritual, but varying the rituals you use will enhance your healing momentum because different rituals help fulfill different mourning needs. And sometimes, challenging yourself to try a ritual that you feel yourself resisting can help you achieve a breakthrough.
Remember, no ritual is required; you are the expert of your grief and should rely on your intuition in selecting rituals to work through. When you have some more ritual experience under your belt, you will probably even feel comfortable creating your own rituals (see page 101).
Our culture misunderstands grief. It teaches us that after someone we love dies, we need to say goodbye and move on. What we really need, however, is to commit the time and energy over weeks and months to say hello to our grief. We need to spend time with our grief and actively engage with it. That is the purpose of the rituals in this book, and that is why they’re so amazingly effective at helping us heal. This Hello Ritual is designed to help us befriend our grief and work on all of our mourning needs.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Sit or stand as you prefer. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them. Remind yourself that you are present and you are safe.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
For this ritual, you will need your symbols container. During Step 4, you will choose symbols that represent the various aspects of your grief. Your grief is like a diamond, many-faceted.
Examine your grief. What are its qualities? Say hello to each grief symptom, thought, or sense of loss you have been experiencing. All are borne of love. As you identify each facet of your grief, choose a symbol that represents that facet, and place the symbol on the table.
When you have finished inventorying your grief for today, pick up each symbol in turn, kiss or embrace it, and return it to your symbol container. You have now said a warm hello to every facet of your grief.
When you are ready, take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “The more I say hello to my grief, the more I appreciate its wisdom.”
Try this ritual whenever your normal and necessary grief is intruding on your day or you feel overwhelmed by your thoughts and feelings of loss. By stopping whatever you are doing and concentrating fully on your grief for ten minutes, you will be giving attention to what has been asking for your attention in this moment. You will also be working on Mourning Needs 1—acknowledging the reality of the death, and 2—embracing the pain of the loss.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Sit or stand as you prefer. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them. Remind yourself that you are present and you are safe.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
Retrieve a symbol that represents the love you have for the person who died. Keep your eyes on this symbol as you carry out the rest of the ritual.
For about ten minutes, allow your grief thoughts and feelings to flow through you. As each arises, name it silently to yourself. “This is fear. Fear is a natural part of grief,” you might think. Or, “I am in pain. Pain is a natural part of grief.” Or, “I am missing ______________ so much today. Missing is a natural part of grief.” Continue to keep your breathing and muscles relaxed.
As you name each new thought and feeling, place one hand over your heart and cover it with your other hand. Press gently against your heart, then allow your hands to return to their resting position. This motion will help you fully greet and experience each new thought and feeling as it comes up.
After ten minutes is up, take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual. It is always appropriate to say, “I am grateful for the love I shared with _________________. I am grateful for my grief because it is part of my love.”
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “I am capable of deeply experiencing my grief…and healing.”
Many people in grief keep busy so they don’t have to feel and pay attention to their grief. This ritual creates an oasis of time and space in which to listen to your grief and give it the attention it needs and deserves. Remember, to feel is to heal. Try this ritual whenever your life feels chaotic or you sense that you may be avoiding your grief by over-scheduling your days. For ten or twenty minutes, you will stop doing and talking and start being and listening. Focusing on the “still, small voice” inside of you will create some lovely momentum toward reconciliation of your grief.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Shut the door and remove any sounds from the space. Sit. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
Retrieve a symbol that represents your intention for this ritual. Place it in your lap.
Your still, small voice is your soul speaking to you. Your ego-mind will chatter incessantly to you about daily tasks, deadlines, and petty worries. Your soul will speak to you about timeless concepts such as love, gratitude, purpose, meaning—and yes, the clean pain of grief. Close your eyes and listen for your soul. As ego-mind thoughts arise, let them flow past without engaging. When your still, small voice begins to speak, on the other hand, give it your attention. Ask it what it is trying to teach you. Promise that you will listen to it more closely in the days to come.
When you hear your soul speak, softly whisper, “I am listening.”
After you have sat in silence for ten to twenty minutes, take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “I listen to my soul to live my life with meaning and purpose.”
This ritual may be effective when there are things building up inside you that you wish you could share or discuss with the person who died. You might want to unburden yourself of secrets or apologies or anger. You might want to ask questions. Or you might just want to catch up the person who died on important events that have happened since the death. You will need stationery and a pen or pencil for this ritual. I strongly recommend writing the letter by hand rather than on a computer because the physical object of the finished letter is central to the ritual.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Sit with a large book in your lap so you can use it as a writing surface. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them. Remind yourself that you are present and you are safe.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
The symbols for this ritual are the paper and the pen, and most of all, the finished letter.
Write a letter to the person who died. What you will write about should align with your stated intention. No doubt the letter-writing will give rise to various emotions. Tell the person who died about your emotions in the letter.
After you have finished writing the letter, place it in an envelope, and write the person’s name on the outside of the envelope. You might want to save the letter to read aloud later on, at the person’s final resting place, say, or you might want to share the letter with a close friend or family member and discuss its meaning to you.
Take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth, such as, “I feel closer to _____________________ (name of the person who died) when I allow myself to communicate with him/her.”
This is another letter-writing ritual, but one that has you focus on “talking” to your grief. Remember—grief is everything you think and feel inside about the loss, and mourning is expressing those things outside of yourself. Writing is one form of mourning. You will need paper and a pen or pencil for this ritual. I also strongly recommend writing the letter by hand rather than on a computer.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Sit with a large book in your lap so you can use it as a writing surface. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them. Remind yourself that you are present and you are safe.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
The symbols for this ritual are the paper and the pen, and most of all, the finished letter.
Start your letter: Dear Grief… In the letter, acknowledge your grief by describing all of the thoughts and feelings you have noticed. Admit to any thoughts and feelings you may have been suppressing or have felt particularly challenged by or even ashamed of. When you are finished with this part of the letter, end the letter by noting at least three ways that you plan to outwardly mourn the grief feelings you wrote about in the top of the letter. In this way, you will be making a promise to your grief that in addition to engaging in ritual each day (which is one excellent way to convert grief into mourning), you also have other ideas for creating opportunities to mourn and heal.
When you’re done writing this letter, write the date at the top and place the letter somewhere safe in your ritual space. You may find it helpful to reread this letter once a month or so as you journey through grief, to help you discern your momentum or forward motion. You may also want to write an updated “Dear Grief” letter each month as your thoughts and feelings change.
Take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth, such as, “The more I befriend my grief, the more I find ways to convert my grief into mourning and build momentum toward healing.”
This ritual is designed to help you work on Mourning Need 3, which is to remember the person who died. Gather up or order five to ten photo prints that cover the span of time in which you shared your life with the person who died. At a craft store, buy a simple double glass frame that allows you to sandwich the photos between two pieces of glass. Also have a pair of scissors and a pen on hand.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Sit on a chair near the table. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them. Remind yourself that you are present and you are safe.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
The photos and frame together will create a permanent symbol—one you might want to hang in your ritual space.
Trim the photos with the scissors if you need to so that they’ll all fit inside the frame. On the backs of the photo prints, write a brief message about what was going on when the photo was taken. When, where, and why? Also, what does this photo capture about the person who died or your relationship? Allow yourself to feel deeply and write genuinely as you work.
Writing is one action for this ritual. After you’ve written on all the photos, assemble them inside the frame and close the frame with the provided clips or edging. You should now be able to both see the photos on the front side and read the stories on the backside. If you’d like, hang the finished project.
Take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “I honor special memories because they are part of me.”
Visualization is a powerful skill that can bring many benefits into your life. You can use it as a tool to calm yourself, to prepare yourself, or to challenge yourself. In grief, you might use it to encounter memories, heal guilt, imagine your future, or visualize heaven, to name but a few uses. Like ritual itself, visualization is a shortcut. It harnesses your brainpower in a controlled, focused way that helps you learn and meet goals, big and small, more quickly and easily. And like all skills—the more you practice it, the better you’ll become at it.
Also, please note that visualizing memories in this way and conjuring imagined encounters with the person who died will likely give rise to profound and maybe challenging feelings, so depending on your intention for this ritual, you may want to plan ahead on debriefing this experience with someone you trust immediately after.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Sit or stand as you prefer. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
Retrieve a symbol that represents your intention for this ritual. Place it on the table in your ritual space.
Look at the symbol you have chosen. Spend a few moments memorizing it, then close your eyes and see the object in your mind. Try to remember it in all its detail. Now imagine holding the symbol and turning it, viewing it from all sides. If you can do this, now use the symbol to carry you deeper into your imagination. Imagine yourself holding the symbol but in a different location, maybe one from your memories of the person who died or one in a hoped-for future. Where are you? What does it look like, sound like, smell like, feel like, and taste like in this place? Now, still in your imagination, put the symbol in your pocket and begin to walk. Bring the memory to life in your mind, or imagine your future, or imagine an encounter with the person who died, depending on the intention you have set.
You will be “moving” in your visualization. This is your action for this ritual.
When you are ready, take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “I experience my memories fully in order to live my life forward with meaning and purpose.”
Our sense of smell is so extraordinarily powerful in grief because certain smells are so strongly linked to memories. This ritual will immerse you in Mourning Need 3, remembering the person who died. It is a helpful ritual to try if you are feeling numb in your grief, as it will awaken memories, or if you simply miss the person who died and want to feel close to him or her. Before you begin, gather up scents (or objects that hold scents) that remind you of the person who died. Consider clothing, bedding, perfumes or colognes, lotions, deodorants, foods, herbs, flowers, and scented candles.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Sit or stand as you prefer. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them. Remind yourself that you are present and you are safe.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
Arrange the scented items on the table.
One at a time, pick up the scented items and inhale deeply. Allow yourself time to experience each smell and relive any memories that it may conjure before moving on to the next object.
Interacting with the scented objects is your action in this ritual. Handle them with care, as you would sacred objects.
After you’ve smelled all the scents, take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “If I am feeling numb or stuck, I can awaken my grief and memories in order to give them momentum.”
Most of us have favorite songs for a variety of occasions. We might like one song to dance to, one song for the holidays, one song about love, one song when we’re feeling sad, etc. How are you feeling today? Choose a favorite song that captures your grief today and use it in this ritual. (You might also consider favorite songs of the person who died.) If you don’t have a dedicated music-playing device, you might have to break the no-gadgets rule and allow your phone into your ritual space today.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Stand, as you will be moving your body during this ritual. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them. Remind yourself that you are present and you are safe.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
Choose a symbol that “goes with” the song you have chosen. It might be a photo, a souvenir, or an article of clothing. Place it where you can see it, or hold it in your hands as you move to the music.
Music helps us get out of our heads and into our hearts. It helps us access our feelings and feel them more deeply. Play the piece of music you have selected for today. As you listen, think about the person who died. Feel your feelings. Repeat the song several times, or play several different songs if you would prefer.
Move to the music. Dance if you feel like dancing. Sway, move your arms, clap your hands. If you have a fluttery scarf, you might enjoy holding it in your hands and moving it through the air. Allow your body to “speak” your grief. Or, if you prefer, sit quietly and listen to the music that touches your soul.
When the music is finished, take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “I befriend my grief to move toward healing.”
This ritual is for personal remembrance and honoring on a special day that connects you to the person who died, such as the person’s birthday, a relationship anniversary of one kind or another, or the anniversary of the death. While you might also want to conduct a group ritual on such days (see Chapter 7), individual rituals will help you embrace your particular, unique sense of loss. While I have included this ritual in the “at home” chapter, you might choose to perform this ritual at another location in which you feel a powerful connection to the person who died, such as the place you met or the final resting place.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Sit or stand as you prefer. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them. Remind yourself that you are present and you are safe.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
Place a photo of the person who died where you can look at it. In addition, choose another symbol that represents the anniversary you are marking. Also prepare a candle and matches. These three items will form a small altar of sorts.
Light the candle, then write, sketch, or speak a memory about the special day you are honoring. You might choose to speak to the person who died. After you have finished sharing the memory, close your eyes, make a silent wish or declaration of love, and blow out the candle. Candles are powerful symbols of hope and spirit.
The actions of lighting and putting out the candle bookend this ritual. Since gifts are part of anniversaries, you might also choose to bring a wrapped gift to the ritual—a gift you will give to yourself and open during the ritual, or a gift you will present to someone else later in the day—maybe someone else who grieves this death.
When you are finished with the ritual, take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “This date will always be a special day in my life, and I will always honor it.”
Prayer beads are used in a number of faith traditions, including Islam, Catholicism, Buddhism, Hinduism, and Baha’i—but anyone can use prayer beads for a spiritual ritual. Those who don’t believe in praying to a higher power can use the beads as reflection or meditation beads instead. You’ll find prayer bead strands at religious or spiritual shops, or you can make them yourself from wooden or glass beads. You can also use any beaded necklace strand you happen to have in the house. This ritual is a simple, soothing everyday grief ritual that you can carry with you wherever you go.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Sit or stand as you prefer. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them. Remind yourself that you are present and you are safe.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
Hold the prayer beads in your hands.
If you have a favorite brief prayer, you can repeat it as many times as there are beads, or alternate it with a second prayer. Or you might want to state a grief thought or feeling you are experiencing today, followed by an affirmation. For example: Bead 1—I am feeling so angry today. Bead 2: I acknowledge and embrace my anger. Continue, either with a litany of different thoughts and feelings or repeating the same thought/feeling over and over, until you have reached the end of the prayer strand.
Finger the beads as you pray or affirm, moving your fingers to the next bead after you have completed a stanza or thought. When you reach the last bead in the strand, you are finished with the ritual for today.
When you are finished, take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “When I honor my pain, I soothe my pain.”
Anger and blame can sometimes be blocking forces in grief. While I don’t believe it is always necessary or appropriate to forgive, I also know and have witnessed in grievers that when they find their way to forgiveness in grief, their momentum toward healing often revs higher. Keep in mind that you can forgive but not forget. Instead, forgive and remember. In addition, this is not a one-and-done activity. You may need to repeat this ritual many times over the course of months and even years to move toward forgiveness. You will need a skein of yarn or string for this ritual, as well as a fireproof bowl and matches.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Sit or stand as you prefer. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them. Remind yourself that you are present and you are safe.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
In this ritual, the yarn represents any feelings of anger, blame, or resentment you might harbor that have to do with the person who died or the actions of someone else who affected this relationship or the death in some way. You might be forgiving someone else, or you might be forgiving yourself.
Forgiveness is an act of surrender. If you surrender your blame, you are freeing yourself of a very heavy load. You are surrendering your human feelings of judgment, turning them over to a higher power.
Pick up the yarn and slowly and loosely wrap it around your wrists. This action represents how your blame may be tying up your soul and handcuffing your healing. As you wrap the yarn, talk aloud about why you have been angry, resentful, or judgmental. Tell the story of your anger. When you have nothing more to say, remove the yarn and place it in the fireproof bowl. Light the yarn on fire as you speak these words: “I forgive ________________ (name of person). I release my feelings of blame and anger. I unburden myself.”
When you are finished with the ritual, take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “In freeing myself from my anger, I create momentum in my grief to live my life with integrity and purpose.”
Meditation can change your life. It fosters more restful sleep, lowers your blood pressure, increases oxygen circulation, improves your immune system, increases your ability to concentrate, calms your mind, and stimulates an overall feeling of well-being. It also connects you with the divine. All of these benefits will help you supercharge your healing in grief. If you don’t know how to meditate (or don’t think you can), don’t worry—it’s a simple, learnable skill that improves with repetition and practice.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and sit comfortably. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
Choose a symbol that represents your grief and hold it. Place both hands palm up in your lap.
Close your eyes. Choose a mantra for this meditation. This is a phrase you will repeat silently to yourself, over and over. Your mantra might be the same phrase as your closing affirmation in this ritual, or a shorter version of it. For example, “I love and I grieve,” or, “I allow my grief to become mourning” Whenever your thoughts stray, simply return them to your mantra. Try to meditate for ten minutes, but if you can only manage five, do five. Keep practicing your meditation on other days. Try different mantras, and work your way up to twenty minutes of meditation. Many people do two twenty-minute stints of meditation each day—one in the morning and one at night—and find it an essential part of their cognitive, emotional, and spiritual health.
There are different kinds of meditation, but today, in mantra meditation, you will be sitting still. Your relaxed breath in and out is the only action.
When you’ve finished meditating, take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “I am healing my grief with ritual and meditation.”
A close cousin to meditation, intentional breathing is a calming, centering way of inhabiting your body in the moment. When you are too upset or distracted to intentionally focus on your grief or meditate, you can use this simple ritual to soothe your body and calm your soul.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and sit comfortably. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
Choose a symbol to look at that represents the intention you have chosen and place it at eye level about five feet away.
Keep your eyes open and on your symbol. Begin to breathe, slowly and deeply. Counting one through five as you breathe in and again one through five as you breathe out may help you pause disturbing thought loops you may be caught up in. Focus on the physical sensations of your breath—your diaphragm muscle as it expands and contracts, your lungs as they fill and collapse, the feeling of air moving through your nose and down your windpipe. If you want to add a simple, soothing mantra component to this ritual, you might think “I am here” on your in-breaths and “I am healing” on your out-breaths.
Your relaxed breath in and out is the only action.
When you’ve focused on your breath in this manner for five to ten minutes, take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “I am calm. I am at peace.”
The Wailing Wall, formed of the remains of the great Jewish Temple in Jerusalem, is the holiest place on earth for Jews. Jews and visitors of all faiths come to tuck prayers they have written on little pieces of paper, called tzetzels, into the wall’s nooks and crannies because in this sacred place they are assured they have “the ear of God.” Use this ritual when you need a place to express your pain and anguish. Depending on what sort of wailing wall you choose to create, you may need a few materials mentioned below.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them. Remind yourself that you are present and you are safe.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
The symbol for this ritual will be the “wailing wall” you create.
Your wall will be a place to mark your grief. It can literally be a rock wall in your garden in which you place comments or letters about your grief. Or it might be a journal in which you write about grief. Or it could be a jar or box in which you routinely deposit little notes about your pain. Whichever form you choose, your wailing wall will provide a place and a method for you to “wail” in grief.
After you have created your wailing wall, write a note about your pain on a small piece of paper and make your first deposit.
When you’ve completed your wailing wall and first note, take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “Whatever I am feeling, I can express it.”
Singing bowls are used in Eastern spiritual traditions in meditation and prayer rituals. While they are made and used throughout Asia, the best-known types are from the Himalayas and are often called Tibetan singing bowls. Made of bronze and other metals, the bowls range in size from very small to very large. If you don’t have one, shop at a local Asian market or online, where they’re readily available.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Sit or stand as you prefer.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
Place a photo of the person who died inside your singing bowl. Some practitioners suggest that you lie down and place the bowl on your chest. This brings the sound close to your ears and also allows you to feel the vibrations in your body.
Begin to think about and feel the grief you have been experiencing today. Meditate on a hope you have for your grief on this day.
Singing bowls “sing” when the user rubs a wooden mallet around the rim. Good-quality bowls produce a harmonic tone. While you are meditating on your grief, make your bowl sing. The tone may help you relax and focus. It is also thought that the physical vibrations of the sound waves massage your body’s cells and organs, and release blockages of your spiritual energy, or chi.
After you have meditated on your grief for ten to twenty minutes, take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “I am a spiritual being on a spiritual journey through grief.”
Grief can sometimes lead to negative self-talk. Have you felt diminished during your time of grief? Or that you are somehow “doing grief” badly or wrong? Or that you are letting too many balls you were juggling fall to the ground? Or that maybe you’re just plain incapable of getting through this? The purpose of this ritual is to help you practice self-compassion and understand that you are always enough.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them. Remind yourself that you are present and you are safe.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
Choose symbols that represent you in your time of grief: your primary quirks, strengths, and challenges.
Pick up one of the symbols you have chosen for this ritual and acknowledge that it is part of you. Welcome and affirm it. You might say something like, “I have been ____________ during my time of grief. I accept and honor this because it is part of my sacred story of love and loss.” If this quality is something you want to continue or encourage, you might add, “In the future, I will continue to _____________ because it adds meaning and purpose to my life.” If this quality is something you hope to discontinue or discourage, you might add, “In the future, I plan to lessen or stop _______________ because I am finding that it diminishes my divine spark.” After you have finished affirming the symbols, take a moment to affirm yourself as a whole. “I was born with the capacity to grieve, mourn, and heal. There is no such thing as perfection in grief; there is only authentic, human grief. I will be self-compassionate and patient with myself as I experience my unique grief journey.”
As you interact with each symbol, move it from one side of the table to the other. When you have finished with all of the symbols, return them gently to your symbol container.
Take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth, such as, “I am always enough.”
The fourth need of mourning is to develop a new self-identity. This is a challenging process for many grievers. After all, when someone central to our lives dies, their absence creates a hole. They leave gaps—in our daily lives, in our holiday traditions, in our hearts. They were important parts of us, and now that they’re gone, we have to find new ways to be ourselves without them. The transitional time of “becoming” is difficult. This ritual of becoming helps us focus on our changing roles and self-understanding. Use it whenever you find yourself challenged by Mourning Need 4. You will need a small standing mirror and a small container.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Sit or stand as you prefer. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them. Remind yourself that you are present and you are safe.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
Choose one symbol that represents the old you (it might be a photo of you and the person who died doing something you loved together) and one symbol that represents the you that you hope to become. You might also want to choose a third symbol—one that represents you in your current state of transition. Place the symbols as well as the mirror on your table.
Pick up the symbol of the old you. Look into the mirror, and spend a few minutes thinking about all the ways in which your life orbited around the person who died. I suggest talking out loud (to yourself or to the person who died) as you think and feel. What were all the things you cherished about your identity as it related to this person? Were there any parts of your self-identity then that you struggled with or didn’t like? Now pick up the symbol of the future you. Continue looking into the mirror. Spend a few minutes thinking and talking about all of your hopes and fears and struggles relating to the hoped-for you.
When you are finished with them, place the two or three symbols you are working with into their own small container. This container now represents your self-identity. As you encounter new facets of your grief, hopes, and fears related to your changing self-identity, add symbols of them to this container. Use this container as part of self-identity rituals whenever feel yourself “becoming.” The more you mourn this aspect of your grief, the more you will find ways to accommodate all the different parts of yourself, old as well as new. As Walt Whitman famously said, “I am large. I contain multitudes.”
When you are finished with this ritual, take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “I am becoming.”
Many people who enjoy gardening find it a deeply spiritual experience. Working in the garden and giving birth to growing things can bring you a sense of satisfaction and oneness with nature and spirit. For this ritual, you will need something to plant—seeds, starter vegetables or annuals, perennials, shrubs, or a tree—and gardening tools and materials. If you don’t have an outdoor garden space, potting an indoor plant works just fine.
Gather your gardening materials. Step into your gardening space and breathe deeply for a minute. Observe your surroundings. Take a moment to immerse yourself in this environment.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
The plants and garden are the symbols in this ritual. For you, depending on your unique story, they may symbolize rebirth, hope, memories, or the person who died. You might also choose to bury something in this garden—perhaps a grief thought or memory you have fully and authentically explored and are ready to lay to rest.
Begin to plant your garden. As you work, tell yourself a story about you and your garden: Once upon a time there was a person named _________________ who planted ___________ because _________________________. Talking about your own story of love and loss in the third person in this manner will help you make new connections and construct a narrative that helps you search for meaning, which is Mourning Need 5. (Note that you can use this “tell a story” technique as part of any grief ritual.)
In grief, the action of digging may be thought of as finding and revealing the memories and emotions deepest inside you.
After you are finished with your gardening task, take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “As I tend to my garden, I tend to my grief.”
It was Nelson Mandela who observed, “May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” This ritual will help you nurture hope and make room in your life for dreaming—and planning for dreams to become realities. Use it to amplify hope on good days and relight your divine spark on dark days. This ritual uses symbols that represent your hopes and dreams, so have them at the ready.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Sit or stand as you prefer. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them. Remind yourself that you are present and that you deserve to lead a full, meaningful life.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
Choose two symbols that represent your hopes for yourself and two symbols that represent your dreams. Place them on the table.
Pick up one of the hope symbols and hold it close to your heart. Close your eyes. Speak aloud the hope that it represents to you. Spend a minute or so elaborating on this hope and why it is important to you as well as why the hope may be challenging for you right now. If you pray to a higher power, you might choose to pray your hope instead. As you speak or pray, acknowledge and welcome whatever emotions arise.
After you have spoken about the symbol, gently return it to your symbol container.
Repeat this process with the remainder of the symbols.
Interacting with the symbols is the action for this ritual.
When you have finished speaking about your hopes and dreams, take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “Even as I grieve and mourn, I am hopeful.”
One of the needs of mourning, number 5, is to search for meaning. In your grief journey, you may be struggling with or pondering the meaning of life and death. Existential questions are common and normal in grief. But you may also be searching for meaning in smaller ways in your day-to-day life. What gets you out of bed every morning? This ritual will help you discern how to relight your divine spark in small, daily ways. Have paper, a pen or pencil, and a candle handy.
Step into your ritual space and breathe deeply for a minute. Scan your body for discomfort and try to position yourself comfortably. Sit or stand as you prefer. Notice where your muscles may be tense and relax them.
Set your intention for this ritual. It can be anything you want it to be. Suggestions for this ritual might be to:
“In this grief ritual, it is my intention to…”
Place the unlit candle on the table. In this ritual, the candle will represent your divine spark.
Take up the paper and pen and spend a few minutes writing a list of activities that typically comprise your daily or weekly schedule. Be specific.
Now light the candle. The flame represents your divine spark, which is the light within you that gives your life meaning and purpose. When you are spending time on activities that strengthen your divine spark, you feel a sense of joy, engagement, excitement, or purpose. You want to do them. When you are spending time on activities that weaken your divine spark, you feel boredom, dread, or distaste. You would prefer not to do them. Some activities you probably feel neutral about. Read the first item on the list you have made. Does it, as “tidiness” author Maria Kondo says, “spark joy”? Does it strengthen your divine spark, weaken it, or is it neutral? If it sparks joy, circle it. If it feels negative, cross it out. If it’s neutral, leave it as written.
When you are finished, you will see that the circled items on your list are those that you can turn to when you need uplifting. Incorporating more of them into each day will help you not only survive but thrive during your time of grief. In the days to come, also work on eliminating or lessening activities that drain your spirit—those you crossed out.
When you have finished going through your activities list, take a moment to express your gratitude for anything authentic you experienced during the ritual. Then blow out the candle.
Close your ritual with an affirmation that restates the intention you set above but this time as a present truth. For example, “I strive to live each day with sparks of joy, meaning, and purpose.”