When sleep wouldn’t come, I talked to Avery in drowsy words.
‘Where do you think this hypocrisy began?’ I asked one night.
‘What hypocrisy?’
‘The hypocrisy of a society that accepts it is perfectly right for men to be rakes, gallants and dandies and to enjoy the liberality of whores, harlots and courtesans, but expects women to stay pure when all they have to put their trust in are deceitful men, who hunt out virgins for their amusement but only want virtuous wives for the marital bed.’
‘Is that what you think of me?’ And before I could answer, he said, ‘Yes, you are right. I was a hypocrite. I was prepared to marry the countess, who I didn’t love, and willingly set you on the path to being a whore. It was the act of an unthinking man. I am not that. Could you forgive me, and believe me when I say I have changed?’
‘What changed you?’
‘In France, I heard people talk of freedom. They argue that it is not God given that women should be subservient to their husbands. I have heard speak of a new order that one day will come, when women will have equal rights with men. I don’t want a passive wife, who doesn’t enjoy the pleasures of amour, who has been educated to be ruled by the whims of society, rather than love and passion.’
‘Do you think such a dream is possible?’
‘I would fight for it.’
‘What happened to the Avery Fitzjohn who said to me that he had the weight of a name, and…’
‘I am truly sorry,’ he said. ‘I behaved badly. If I had been an honorable man, I would have taken you away with me after I had seduced you, and protected you.’
‘If I remember correctly,’ I said, ‘you were betrothed and wanted a virgin – I suppose so that you wouldn’t catch the pox.’
‘Yes, that was the notion, but it didn’t…’
‘I think Adam and Eve would have much to answer for in a court of law.’
Avery laughed. ‘I am being serious.’
‘So am I. Adam was a coward – he wanted to taste the apple that his father had told him not to touch. What did he do? He tricked Eve into picking it for him. The snake is just a lie.’
‘You didn’t study the Bible?’ said Avery, smiling.
‘No. But I think the trouble began there.’
‘And can you forgive me?’
‘For what?’ I asked.
‘For being a hypocrite. I should have had the courage to tell you what I felt and I didn’t.’
‘What did you feel?’
‘Don’t you know? I fell in love with you. I think I fell in love with you when I first saw you in the coffee house in Covent Garden.’
‘You knew?’
‘I wasn’t sure until you bumped into the street-seller. You were so enchanting in your confusion. But when I saw you at the Rotunda, I hardly recognised you. Everywhere I went, people spoke of you and I thought I could offer you nothing, not even my name.’
I embraced him and that night, with his arms round me, I slept deep and safe.
When I woke the room was full of sunshine. Avery lay watching me.
‘I have lost all sense of time,’ I said. ‘How long have I have lain here?’
‘This is the sixth week,’ he said.
‘And you have been with me all this time?’
‘Yes. I have had to leave you occasionally when you were sleeping but, if the truth be known, I have had no desire to be anywhere else. And, if you would have me, I would never want to leave you again.’
I ran my fingers through his thick curly hair and remembered the delights of our lovemaking when we first had lain together. Here was the man who had taken not only my virginity but my heart, and still was the keeper of it.
‘I thank you, sir, for healing me on the outside,’ I said. ‘Perhaps, by the possession of me, you would heal me on the inside too.’
He kissed me, a timid kiss filled with desire. Nervously, I stretched out and his hands stroked my body. I took his fingers into my mouth.
‘Oh, Tully,’ he said as he kissed my neck.
I watched him undress, feasting on the sight, and by degrees began to tingle with anticipation. I trusted him, I wanted him – oh, how I wanted him. He was the most beautiful man, every part of him in perfect proportion, his noble member already risen to greet me. He took his time undoing my shift, kissing me all the while
‘I have always preferred you naked,’ he said. ‘It is a gown that few ladies wear as well as you.’
I moved my limbs so that I was open to him. He kissed away the scars on my thighs, his tongue caressed my quim and I ached for him to be inside me. He kissed the scars on my breasts and I felt him urgent for admission, the delicious velvet tip begging to enter my pleasure garden. No aggressive movements, no violation in the ease with which he came into me, I could feel him stiff, pulsating with life, penetrating the depths of me until I owned all of him. It sent me wild, his eyes shone with love, his gaze never left me. I felt myself gather tight around his quivering arrow. Then it came on me, slowly at first, but with such unbearable ecstasy that I lost myself in the lush river of desire. He moved within me and we were one, I was he and he was me, there was no separation. My skin alight with passion, I was on fire and only to be soothed in the river of longing, carried on its ebbs and flows. I was near that moment of abandonment. He urged me on until I could hold it no more and felt myself explode into him. My climax brought on his and together we tumbled from a great height, into the roaring unknown. Our cries of ecstasy drove out the demon.
I had not before experienced such tender lovemaking, so different from anything I had known. It came from love, true love, a place to be treasured and, I suspect, rarely found.
Such were the delights we discovered that day that we both realised we were famished for more of the same dish. I touched that sweetest, noblest part of him that knew how to delight me.
He rose again and, taking my hand away, he said, ‘I would rather spend my seed inside you, my love.’
And, oh, he did, he did.
At about two o’clock, he said, reluctantly, that he had to see a lawyer and would return that evening. As I watched him dress, my only consolation was that tonight we would have possession of each other once more. When he was at the door, he turned back to the bed.
‘Would you marry me?’ he asked.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘If I could, I would marry you tomorrow. But there is something I have not told you.’
He stared at me for a moment then took out his pocket watch, my gift to him.
He glanced at it and said, ‘I must go now. The sooner I am gone, the sooner I will be back. And tonight we will tell each other all our secrets.’
I gazed into those blue eyes and thought I saw the future.
‘I love you, Mr Avery Fitzjohn,’ I said
‘Then I am the luckiest man in the world,’ he said as he opened the door to leave.
‘Who is this lawyer who is taking you from me?’ I called after him.
‘A Mr Quibble,’ he called back.
I haven’t seen Avery Fitzjohn since.