Having coffee with Rory at lunchtime had left Samira feeling warm and fuzzy all afternoon. Ironic, that she’d never date a guy ten years younger, usually, but Rory far surpassed her expectations in the maturity stakes.
His proposal had been cute and reeked of old-fashioned chivalry, and while she’d never seriously take him up on it, it had been nice for him to ask. He wanted to be a part of this baby’s life, and that meant a lot.
When she’d fled Melbourne over a decade ago, she never contemplated moving back. She’d established a great life in LA and loved living there. But the moment she’d discovered she was pregnant, she’d known she’d be facing some tough decisions about her living situation. And now with Rory wanting to be a part of their child’s life if she wanted him to be . . . and with her mom here . . . it made sense that she seriously consider moving back home.
Hopefully, she’d have Pia’s support too, and she was about to take the first steps to mending their fractured relationship.
Pia couldn’t resist rocky road, so Samira had ducked out to Haigh’s to purchase their delicious chocolate/marshmallow/nutty combo. They’d rarely argued as kids, but if they had a disagreement, Samira always softened up her cousin with chocolate.
With the last patient gone and the receptionist locking the front door after exiting, Samira headed for Pia’s office, rocky road in hand. Pia had been avoiding her, coming in late, leaving early, and booked solid with patients when she was here. The fact she hadn’t left yet—Samira had checked with the receptionist—gave her hope that she may be ready to talk.
She stood outside Pia’s door, steeling herself, when it opened and she came face-to-face with her startled cousin.
“Thought you might be hungry after a busy day,” she said, holding out the rocky road.
Pia’s eyes lit up as she spied her favorite chocolate, but the light soon faded when she glanced at Samira’s stomach.
“You can’t avoid me forever, Cuz,” Samira said, hating this awkwardness between them. “We need to talk.”
Pia hesitated, her hand on the door, and for one second Samira thought she might slam it in her face. But Pia sighed and opened it wider, beckoning her in. When she made no move to take the chocolates, Samira placed them on her desk, unsure whether to sit when Pia remained standing.
“Pia—”
“Don’t.” Pia held up her hand. “I’m so ashamed I can barely look at you. The way I reacted the other day when you told me about the baby . . .” She shook her head, a swath of glossy black hair half hiding her face. “I’m mortified.”
“It was a shock. I get it.”
“No, you don’t.” Pia swiped her hair away and finally eyeballed her, her eyes filled with regret and embarrassment and sadness. “I’ve been consumed with having a baby for the last few years. It’s debilitating, and it’s ruining my marriage . . .”
A sob escaped Pia’s lips despite her doing her utmost to compress them, and Samira stepped forward to bundle her cousin into her arms.
“I’m sorry, sweetie,” she said, unsure what she was apologizing for but wanting to offer whatever comfort she could.
She’d asked Pia when she’d first got back how Dev was dealing with the fertility problems, and Pia had said he was coping. She’d taken her at her word. Then again, if anyone had asked her fourteen years ago, she would’ve said the same, not wanting to articulate how increasingly distant her husband became when she didn’t fall pregnant. In Dev’s case it could be harder, considering he was the cause of the infertility and so much of a male’s macho was caught up in reproduction.
Pia clung to her, crying softly like she used to as a kid, making snuffling noises rather than full-on sobs. When she quieted, she backed away and Samira released her, but guided her to the nearest chair before pulling up one next to her.
“You okay?”
“Not really,” Pia said, her eyes puffy and her nose red. “I’ve behaved appallingly, and I’m really sorry.”
Samira waved away her apology. “I knew you would take it hard, finding out about my pregnancy. I remember what it was like, being surrounded by fertile women proudly showing off their baby bumps while I tried everything to get pregnant.”
“All the more reason I should’ve been happier for you,” Pia said, her expression downcast, guilt twisting her mouth. “I hate to admit it, but when you told me, I was totally consumed by jealousy, and all I could think was how unfair it was, why you and not me.”
“I get it.” Samira took hold of Pia’s hands and squeezed in reassurance. “I hated not being able to talk to you about all this, especially when I knew how hard it must’ve been for you.”
“I’ll be okay.” Pia sniffed, several times, before continuing. “And our marriage is okay, I think, but Dev’s losing patience with the whole process. He’s withdrawing from me. I can feel it.” She blinked rapidly. “Our sex life is rote bordering on nonexistent, he’s not interested in date nights anymore . . .” She shook her head. “He’s not keen on this alternative-therapies retreat, but I booked it as a way for us to reconnect and to show him that conceiving doesn’t have to be all about procedures and hospitals.”
Pia gnawed on her bottom lip before giving her head another shake. “The retreat also discusses other options, like adoption, something Dev hasn’t been too keen on.”
“Why not? There are many ways to have a child.”
“I know, but I think the infertility thing is wearing him down. He’s never said it, but I know he feels guilty . . .” Pia trailed off, her voice barely above a whisper and filled with so much sadness. “He said to me once that this entire process is emasculating, having to use donor sperm to father a child. I reassured him, but there’s a palpable distance between us now, and it feels like nothing I say or do can reach him.”
Samira was the last person qualified to give advice, considering her own marriage had imploded under the weight of infertility, but she wanted to do whatever she could to support Pia. She’d thought it strange that in all the time she’d been back in Melbourne, she hadn’t seen Dev once. She knew he’d been traveling for work, but the fact Pia hadn’t tried to arrange a get-together meant they were probably struggling and Dev wanted to avoid her family.
“Pia, I’m going to ask you something, and know it’s coming from the right place.” Samira pressed a hand over her heart. “If IVF doesn’t work and Dev doesn’t want to adopt, would you be happy with just him? The two of you together for the rest of your lives?”
Samira’s stomach went into free fall, because she saw the answer written all over Pia’s face before she answered.
“I used to think it would be okay, just him and me, but lately I’m not so sure.” Tears filled her eyes. “I know he wouldn’t cheat on me like Avi did with you, he’s not that kind of guy, but . . .” She shook her head, sadness evident in her posture, shoulders slumped in defeat. “I love him, but our marriage is suffering because I want a baby so damn badly and I’m not sure he does anymore.”
Crap. Samira’s heart ached for her beautiful cousin. She knew all too well what it felt like to feel helpless in a marriage, unsure what to do to save it. For her, she doubted she’d ever really loved Avi. She’d loved being in love, and once that had worn off and he’d started to show his true narcissistic side, she’d grown indifferent.
In that moment, she realized something. All these years she’d been blaming him for ruining their marriage. He’d cheated. He’d got some teenager pregnant. He’d left her and divorced her and made her a laughingstock within the close-knit Indian community. And while there was no excuse for him straying rather than trying to work on their marriage, she had to admit she might have contributed to the distance that had opened up between them the longer it took for her to fall pregnant.
They’d had sex to procreate, but there’d been no intimacy in their marriage, not from the start. She’d played the role of the dutiful young wife, establishing her physical therapy career, attending many family functions, parading her suave Indian husband with pride. But behind closed doors, their marriage had been shallow. All gloss and no substance. She hoped Pia’s marriage could survive the battle with infertility in a way hers couldn’t.
“This retreat is a last-ditch effort to see if we can relax and have some fun with this baby stuff rather than it being a chore all the time.”
Samira read between the lines. “Last-ditch effort for your marriage, you mean?”
Pia bit her bottom lip and nodded. “We’re in trouble, Sam, and the kicker is, I don’t know what to do. I want to fight for us because we love each other, but I need Dev to make an effort too. It seems like he’s filled with self-recrimination, even though we worked through the initial shock when we discovered he’s sterile, and I think it’s consuming him.”
“Oh, sweetie.” She clasped Pia’s hand and squeezed. “Is that why I haven’t seen him since I got back? Because you two aren’t in a good place?”
“Yeah. He hasn’t been around to Mom’s or any family dos, because he says he can’t pretend.”
“I get it. Avi started avoiding my folks at least two months before he broke the news about his affair.” She snorted. “I should’ve known there was something wrong, but I was too busy playing the perfect bride to worry about it.”
“Avi was an asshole, end of story.”
Samira paused. The last thing she wanted to do was bring up more baby talk around her cousin, but she couldn’t very well ask her mom what had been bugging her.
“Hey, I heard through the grapevine his wife’s expecting their second child. That’s a massive gap between kids. Do you know what that’s about?”
Pia’s eyes widened in surprise. “It’s not like you to ask about the asshole.”
“Just curious.”
Pia shrugged. “People don’t talk around me when it has anything to do with him because they know we’re close, so no, I have no idea.” A cheeky glint lit her eyes for the first time in a long time. “Maybe his dick shriveled and he couldn’t get it up.”
Samira laughed, and thankfully, Pia joined in. It wasn’t that funny, but with the pent-up tension between them draining away, they laughed long and loud, until tears seeped from their eyes.
When their laughter petered out, Pia’s expression turned serious again. “I’m sorry for overreacting to your baby news, but I’ll be honest, Sam: it’s going to take me a while to process, and until then, I’m not going to be the best support person for you.”
“That’s okay.”
Though it wasn’t. Pia was her best friend, and without her to bounce ideas off or share her fears, Samira knew she’d be lost.
“How did Rory take the news . . .” Pia’s hand flew to her mouth. “Have you told Kushi yet? Man, she’s going to freak.”
“Actually, Mom was pretty good about it, a lot better than expected. And Rory’s come around.”
“I bet he didn’t freak as badly as I did.”
“Not quite, but it was a shock.”
“For us all.” Pia managed a wry smile. “I know I don’t have to say this, but please don’t mention anything to your mom about me and Dev having problems.”
Samira made a zipping motion over her lips. “I hope the retreat helps clarify things for you.”
“Me too.”
“I’m here for you,” Samira said, pulling her in for a quick hug. “Anytime.”
“Thanks.”
Pia didn’t say the same, and Samira couldn’t help but feel disappointed. Then again, at least they were talking again and Pia had been honest about needing time to process. She couldn’t expect miracles.
“Shall we do handover tomorrow?”
Pia nodded. “Let’s meet at three in the conference room.”
“Deal. And Pia?”
“Yeah?”
“For what it’s worth, I like Dev, always have, but it takes two to make a marriage work. If he’s struggling with everything, maybe he should seek professional help?”
If her bluntness surprised Pia, she didn’t show it. It may have sounded harsh, but Samira wished someone had given her honest advice about marriage when she’d felt alone in hers.
“We had fertility counseling before starting IVF, but the way he’s spiraling, I think he needs more.” Pia raised stricken eyes to hers. “I’ve mentioned it a few times, but he gets defensive or shuts down.”
“If you two are in this for the long haul, perhaps give him a gentle shove and make the appointment?”
Pia didn’t respond, but Samira almost saw the thoughts pinging around her head. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“I know Avi was a lying, cheating asshole, but did you blame yourself just a tad for your marriage breakdown when you couldn’t conceive?”
Remembering the guilt and sorrow at the time, Samira nodded. “It didn’t make sense, because he broke us, not me, but I always wondered if I’d been able to have a baby, would he not have strayed. Why do you ask?”
“Because I know Dev blames himself for our predicament. I’ve never made him feel that way, but I’m afraid the more insular Dev becomes, the more he withdraws from me, I won’t know what to do to drag him back to me, if that makes sense.”
Samira nodded. “Perfect sense. I felt incredibly guilty, which is irrational, because medical problems happen, but I also felt worthless and helpless and a big fat failure.”
“I’m so sorry you felt that way.” Tears shimmered in Pia’s eyes. “I can imagine how my big, brave husband, who’s been a high achiever since he started school, might be feeling the same way, and I don’t want him to be self-flagellating.”
“I really think he needs to see a professional. You too, sweetie.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Pia said, reaching out to touch her arm before heading for the door. “Thanks for the great advice as usual. See you tomorrow.”
Samira wished she could ease her cousin’s pain, but she had a feeling things would get worse before they got better. She liked Dev, he was a good guy, and he adored Pia. They were a great couple, and she really hoped they could work through their issues. It saddened her. Just as her life was looking up, her cousin’s was falling apart. But she couldn’t think about that now. She had a date to look forward to with her baby’s daddy, and while she hadn’t made any long-term decisions yet, she intended to enjoy herself for now and live in the moment.