First of all, I think we all ought to acknowledge Beyoncé. Don’t you?
What order am I supposed to do this in? Alphabetical? That sounds stressful. No thanks. Here are some great names of great people:
My therapist, Brian Edwards, will never read this because he has something called “boundaries” so he never googles me even when I insist that being googled is what I need for my therapeutic process. Nevertheless, Brian is a wonder who worked with me through two of the most confusing and lonely years of my life, which also happened to coincide with the writing of this comedy book of happy jokes. I doubt I could have done it without him and I’m very grateful. He also recommends books that are always excellent. What a great experience all around. Thanks also to my previous therapists Brianna Belkins and Kristina Furia. Go to therapy! Everybody!
My phenomenal agent, Anna Sproul-Latimer of Ross Yoon, came all the way to Philadelphia, bought me a Reuben sandwich, and asked me if I had a book in me and I said yes, which felt like 60 percent of a lie but I really wanted to finish the Reuben sandwich and also I thought perhaps I could find a book. Instead, Anna found the book, with brilliant editorial notes and great questions and many drafts. Thanks for changing my life.
My editor, Sara Weiss, and Elana Seplow-Jolley at Ballantine masterfully picked up where Anna left off, shepherding and shaping this book in a way that, to me, is miraculous. Thanks for knowing it was there and knowing how to help me find it. Thanks to everyone at Ballantine and Penguin Random House who worked on this book, including Taylor Noel, Emily Isayeff, Kara Welsh, Jennifer Hershey, Kim Hovey, Kelly Chian, Diane Hobbing, and Rachel Ake.
As you know, Leah Chernikoff, formerly of ELLE.com, started this whole thing and redirected my life. I cannot thank her enough. Thanks also to the whole team at ELLE.com/Hearst, past and present, including: Sally Holmes, Estelle Tang, Katie Connor, Brooke Siegel, Chloe Hall, Nikki Ogunaike, Whitney Joiner, Jessica Roy, Kat Stoeffel, Mia Feitel, Yoursa Attia, Kristina Rudolpho, Mariel Tyler, Hannah Morrill, Ariana Yaptangco, Madi Feiler, Leah Melby Clinton, Gena Kaufman, Emily Tannenbaum, Angel Lenise, Bree Green, Anna Jimenez, Jimmie Armentrout, Alina Petrichyn, Kameron Key, Alyssa Bailey, Alysha Webb, Justine Carreon, Nojan Aminosharei, Nerisha Penrose, and my close personal friend and coworker, Gayle King.
I wrote this book and assorted other things, including my daily column, concurrently over the course of a year and change. Some of that happened at home or at Baltimore coffee shops, but most of it happened while going from one gig to another. So thanks to the following transportation companies for existing: MARC train, Amtrak, Southwest Airlines, Lyft (please make your drivers full employees not contractors), Bolt Bus. (This bit seemed funnier in my head but it’s true.)
The folks at The Moth have been incredible to me and I will literally do any show you want any time, any place. Thanks especially to Jenifer Hixon, Paul Richards, Natalie Amini, Aman Goyal, Mojdeh Reziaporah, Kyrie Greenberg, Meg Bowles, Sam Hacker, Michelle Jalowski, Sarah Austin Jenness, Kate Tellers, Catherine Burns, Sarah Haberman, Inga Glodowski, Jodi Powell, Chloe Salmon, Patricia Ureña, and every single person who fills our sold-out shows in Washington, D.C., and Philadelphia every month, shares their stories, and creates a vibrant and vulnerable community.
This is going to sound weird but thank you to everybody who has been nice to me. Like, the people who see me out and come up and say things like “I don’t want to be a stalker but I love your column.” I spend most of my time sitting by myself, injecting Twitter into my head, and trying to figure out what there is to hope for (“the cheese groves, the cheese groves…”) so to have those random encounters in public or at a play reading or even in DMs is wonderful. Thanks to the people who read my newsletter and sorry I’m so bad about responding. Thanks to the OG fans and friends on Facebook. Thanks to the people who are nice on Twitter. Thanks to everyone who has retweeted me and said I should win a Pulitzer. Keep it up; we’re wearing them down.
Oh! That reminds me: sorry to everyone I owe an email to. I don’t know what to tell you!
I miss my friends and I love them very much. Kristen Norine makes me believe that a better future is possible. Jarrod Markman told me I was a story jukebox, which is incredibly encouraging and I appreciate him deeply. He is mad at me that I didn’t put him in this book, so if you see him tell him you read about him in my book and just convince him that his copy is missing a chapter. Andrew Panebianco and Lansie Sylvia have been #goals for me for so long: friend goals, civic engagement goals, work goals, Philebrity goals, vacation goals, couple goals, writing skills goals. I love them. Jake Bowling held my stupid, weird queer heart. Lisa Schanberger led me on the greatest unknown leap of my adult life and helped me when I stumbled. Sean Simon is my favorite youth and is so incredibly funny it’s amazing I don’t want to destroy him out of envy. Jackson Howard! Sis! My publishing wunderkind fairy godmother. My longest friends, Lisa Warren, Cristina Watson, I love you. Melissa Koenig: what if we never met?!
Keina Staley, thank you for introducing me to Prince.
(Is he going to just list everyone he knows? MAYBE. I don’t know how this works. Is this an Academy Award speech? What is happening?!)
Rebecca Adelsheim, Rajib Guha, Jason Peno, Josh Kruger, Donald Harrison, Jackie Goldfinger, Quinn Eli, Erin Washburn, Miranda Rose Hall, Peter Spears, Haygen Brice Walker, Colton Mabis, Nimisha Ladva, Sarah Longson, Kyle Toth, Alejandro Morales, Arielle Brousse, Nate Eppler, Jack Tamburri, Michele Volansky, Dany Guy, Carl Clemons-Hopkins: you’ve each encouraged and improved my writing in a permanent and meaningful way and I appreciate you. ANNA GOLDFARB, a true friend-tor. I adore you.
The city of Philadelphia will always have my heart. Thanks to First Person Arts for giving me my storytelling start. The William Way LGBT Community Center, 1812 Productions, Azuka, Simpatico, Interact, Act II, and the Arden: thank you. Thanks to the wonderful congregation at Maryland Presbyterian Church, and love to the folks at Broad Street Ministry in Philadelphia.
Every teacher is a blessing and every teacher I’ve ever had has been a blessing to me. Thanks especially to those who taught me English literature and writing, including Nadine Feiler, Rachelle Work, Howard Berkowitz, Kevin Coll, Patricia Porcarelli, Susan McCully, Susan Weintraub, and many more whom I am sure I am missing. Thanks to every black teacher I had, including Pert Toins-Banks and Craig Ross.
Electra Bynoe. You are missed, you are still loved; thank you for letting me linger in the book stacks with you again in these pages.
Trystan Trazon, you brilliant soul. I will never delete any email or message we exchanged. I miss you.
Obviously, I owe a huge debt of gratitude to my parents, Bob and Judi Thomas, for everything from my molecular structure, to raising me right, to shaping the way I think, and hope, and understand the world, to lending me money, to seeing or reading everything I performed in or wrote that I would let them, even the things that were very not good. They’re my parents and I will never have enough words to express how deeply I love them nor how grateful I am for them, even though I wrote a whole book that was basically about that point. I wonder if any one person can ever truly understand what they mean to another person. I don’t think it’s possible, which is perhaps a sad part about being a human but also a beautiful hope for an understanding after life.
Thank you to my extended family, my extraordinary brothers, Stephen Thomas and Jeffrey Thomas, and to their wives, Kathleen Thomas and Karen Thomas, respectively, who inspire me and delight me and bring me such joy and have agreed not to sue me.
I am lucky to have wonderful, affirming, encouraging in-laws in Rachel Norse and Rick Norse. Thank you.
And finally, if you’ve read this book, you know how easy it is to fall in love with David Norse. He is the most engaging conversationalist I know, a dedicated and tireless partner, a source of seemingly endless hope, a brilliant leader, and the love of my life. It turns out, he is also the person you most want by your side as you fight with yourself and your words in an attempt to write a book. I love you, David.