Chapter 2

Ryan stood next to the black Cadillac XTS limousine with her hands buried deep in the pockets of her navy pea coat. The chill in the air cut through the thin fabric of her black boot cut slacks, and she was grateful for her coat as the thin gray, V-neck sweater she wore under it offered very little warmth.

She watched the stream of mourners wind their way through the headstones that peppered the Trinity Church Cemetery as they made their way to her mother’s gravesite. The cemetery had been established in the mid eighteen hundreds as the result of overcrowding in the original Trinity Church’s churchyard cemetery.

Though sparse from the last pangs of winter, the gently rolling hills and maple trees that peppered the cemetery offered a stark contrast to the concrete and steel of the city that surrounded the cemetery. Ryan thought if it weren’t for the headstones and mausoleums she might imagine she was in a lovely park.

Ryan stared at one of the nearby gray brick and concrete mausoleums. Her eyes felt heavy and dry from a fitful night of sleep. The name Astor came into focus, the word carved into the stone in large block letters.

Ryan told herself she needed to walk, but her feet seemed unwilling to move her forward. Lucy had already chastised her when Ryan had asked for a few minutes before taking her seat with the rest of the family. Carol had managed to distract her mother, and spare Ryan the irritation, by complimenting Lucy on the beautiful floral arrangements that had adorned the church during services.

“It’s what Karen would have wanted. She simply adored flowers.” Lucy had wiped at an invisible tear with the pressed silk handkerchief she had been carrying with her all morning.

Carol nodded, and looking up at Ryan, smirked. Both women knew Karen’s affinity for nature, and how active she had been throughout her life with local botanical groups. Carol and Ryan also knew the last thing Karen would have wanted was countless flowers and vines, in essence, killed for her sake.

“It’s all so lovely, Mother.” Carol placed her hand on the small of her mother’s back, and guided the woman toward the cemetery.

“I’ll wait with you.” Ryan hadn’t realized Andrew was standing next to her. His nose was red from the cold.

“It’s okay. I just need a minute on my own.” Ryan forced gratitude into her voice, but the truth was she loathed her cousin, and his attentions were, especially today, unbearable.

Shrugging, Andrew began walking after his sister and mother. “Suit yourself.”

Now, Ryan wasn’t sure she could move at all. Though the air felt thin with the cold, an unimaginable weight was pushing down on her, and she thought she might break. Her mother was dead. People had stood up and attested to it for the past hour in front of God and some of the wealthiest people in New York. Individuals Ryan didn’t know talked about how wonderful her mother had been, and how selflessly she had given of her time and resources.

Ryan had been shocked at how angry the scene had made her. She imagined she had inadvertently wandered into a stranger’s funeral. She didn’t know the person they were talking about. Her mother had been cynical and judgmental. Her mother had been selfish, and tried for years to shape Ryan into her own image, with no consideration or compassion for the person her daughter was or wanted to be.

Ryan tilted her head up. The sky was partly cloudy and it smelled like it might rain. Standing next to the car, she couldn’t remember when she had started crying. She wiped at her face with the back of her gloved hand, the rough leather texture scratching at her cheeks.

“Would you like a tissue, miss?” The middle aged limousine driver was standing next to Ryan, a pastel colored box of tissue held out in front of him. “There’s water in the car if you would like.”

Ryan pulled a tissue from the box and wiped her nose. “No, thank you.” She managed a weak smile at the kind man before taking a tentative step forward.

“It’s done so quickly.” The man said casually.

Turning her head, Ryan looked at the driver. “The day has been a whirlwind.”

The man grinned. “No, miss. Life. Life is done so quickly.” Shaking his head, the driver turned and walked back around the car.

Ryan felt an odd calm wash over her as she crumpled the tissue and put it in her pocket. She would be through this in relative seconds, compared to the entirety of her life. She would feel hollow, stripped and inside out, but then she wouldn’t. She would resign herself to having only known a portion of her mother, a small spot in what was certainly an expansive woman.

As she walked down the slight hill toward where her mother was to spend the rest of eternity, Ryan was able to let go of her anger from earlier. Regardless of her mother’s failings, she had many successes too. Her mother was riddled with contradictions, but Ryan couldn’t think of anyone that wasn’t.

“You okay?” Carol took Ryan’s hand as she sat down in one of the narrow wooden chairs that lined the opening to her mother’s grave.

Squeezing Carol’s hand, Ryan was grateful for her cousin, her friend. “I’m good.”

Glancing around Carol, Ryan saw Lucy, head lowered, real tears having finally found her. “Aunt Lucy.” The woman was startled as Ryan reached for her hand. “Thank you for doing this. Mom would be thrilled.”

Lucy smiled. In spite of the crying, her make-up was perfect as she dabbed at her wet cheeks. “Thank you.”

“Friends and family, as we gather to pay our respects…” The pastor’s voice faded into the background as Ryan’s eyes scanned the large crowd. She and her mother hadn’t spoken for over six years, and with the exception of a few distant cousins, Ryan didn’t recognize any of the mourners.

Her eyes stopped, and it was several seconds before Ryan was able to process who she was seeing. Standing near the back of the crowd, her face partially obscured by the collar of a black Chesterfield coat, was the woman from the train.

Ryan’s mind raced as she recalled their brief exchange. The woman had said she was coming to New York to visit a friend. Apparently the friend was actually Ryan’s mother. The coincidence made her head spin.

“What’s wrong?” Carol had taken notice of Ryan tightening her grip around her hand, and her cousin’s focused gaze across the sea of mourners.

Leaning in, Ryan whispered in Carol’s ear. “The blonde woman, with her coat collar popped. Over there.” She struggled not to point. “Here name is Leah. Do you know her?”

Carol’s eyes scanned the crowd. “I don’t know her, but I don’t know half the people here.”

Ryan leaned back in the chair, and couldn’t take her eyes off of Leah. After several minutes, Leah’s eyes found Ryan, and a look of recognition, quickly followed by shock, flashed across the blonde’s face.

Ryan managed a polite smile, and fought the temptation to get up and walk over to Leah. She wanted to know how she knew her mother, and was she as amazed at the coincidence as Ryan was. Mostly though, Ryan was happy to have another chance to talk to the woman, and maybe get to know her.

You can’t seriously be thinking about picking a practical stranger up at your mother’s funeral? Ryan chastised herself, a blush shooting up her neck.

Twenty minutes later, Ryan fought her way through a sea of people, each intent on offering their condolences, toward Leah. The blonde was halfway back to the cemetery’s service road when Ryan caught up to her.

“Leah. Hey, Leah.” Ryan was trying not to yell at the woman, but subtlety wasn’t working. “Leah!”

The blonde stopped, and after a second, turned to face Ryan. “Ryan.”

“Yeah, hi.” Ryan couldn’t help but smile, relieved the woman remembered her name. “Why are you here?”

Leah looked over Ryan’s shoulder at the disbanding group of mourners. “Karen’s funeral.” Leah looked at Ryan, her eyes narrowing. “Are you family?”

Ryan nodded. “Her daughter.”

Leah gasped, and then quickly covered her mouth as she took a step back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know she had a daughter.”

Ryan tried not to be hurt by the fact one of her mother’s friends didn’t even know she existed. “We had a falling out, so we hadn’t spoken in years.”

Leah had managed to regain her composure, and nodded. “I hadn’t seen her in years either.” The blonde looked toward the gravesite, her eyes filling with tears. “Nearly thirty years.”

Ryan’s eyes widened. “Oh. That’s a long time.” She had never been a fan of math, but even she knew those numbers didn’t add up. Her mother was forty five when she died, and Leah couldn’t be a day over thirty five.

“Leah Brewer.” Lucy’s voice was curt and biting as she walked up to Ryan and Leah.

“Hello, Lucy.” Leah’s politeness was forced. It was clear to Ryan from the icy stares the two women hated each other. “You’re looking well.”

Lucy linked her arm through Ryan’s as she looked Leah up and down. “Time has been good to you, Leah.”

Ryan wasn’t sure what was going on. She had never heard of Leah before. But given the daggers her aunt was now shooting at the beautiful blonde, Ryan wondered what the history between these two was. “Ah, how do you know each other?”

Lucy huffed. “Leah and your mother were best friends. Ages ago.”

Leah frowned as she looked at Ryan. “I’m sorry about your mother. Take care.” She looked suspiciously at Lucy. “Nice to see you again, Lucy.”

“Likewise.” Lucy pulled a confused Ryan back toward the gravesite.

“Wait.” Ryan slipped her arm free of her aunt, and followed after Leah. “Leah, please.”

The blonde stopped, her shoulders slouched as she turned to face Ryan. “I really should be going.”

Ryan instinctively reached for the woman’s hand. The chill of the day evaporated as a surge of heat rolled up her arm. Both women looked down at where their hands were joined. “Can’t we talk for a minute?”

Before Leah could answer, Lucy was standing next to Ryan. “Ryan, the car is waiting and so are our guests.”

Ryan sighed. “Give me five minutes, please.”

Lucy reached for Ryan’s hand, and stepped between Leah and her. “I have indulged you enough, what with your mother’s death, but I will not let you embarrass the family by delaying us further.”

Ryan’s annoyance with her aunt’s interference was rapidly morphing into anger when she watched a small trickle of blood come from Lucy’s right nostril. “Jesus, Aunt Lucy, your nose.”

Reaching up with her gloved hand, Lucy dabbed at the blood, and then quickly brought her silk handkerchief up to her nose. “I’ll see you at the car.” Without looking back at Leah, the woman briskly walked away.

“I am sorry about your mother, Ryan.” Leah had released Ryan’s hand, and was stepping back. “Please take care of yourself.”

“I’ll walk you to your car.” Ryan had never considered herself a pushy person, but she was having difficulty letting Leah leave.

“I’m just walking over to Broadway to catch a cab.” Leah put her hands in her coat pockets as she walked away from Ryan.

Taking a few long strides, Ryan fell into step with Leah. “I’ll walk with you.”

Shaking her head, Leah stopped. “Look, I don’t want to be rude -”

Ryan grinned. “Then don’t be. I can’t imagine it suits you.”

Leah’s cheeks flushed, and she chewed nervously on the inside of her lower lip. “You can walk me to the street, and that’s it, right?”

Ryan crossed her heart with her index finger. “Promise.”

“Well, come on then.” Leah began to quickly walk toward the wrought iron gate at the eastern side of the cemetery.

“So you and my mom were friends?” Ryan managed to sound casual, even though a thousand questions were shooting through her head.

“Yes.” Leah pulled her coat collar tighter around her face.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you look really great for -” Ryan hesitated, not sure how she should state the obvious.

“Forty five.” Leah shook her head. “I’m forty five, and Karen - your mother and I – went to high school together.”

The two women reached the busy street, and Leah stepped to the curb, her arm extended as she attempted to hail a cab.

A man’s heavy hand landed on Ryan’s shoulder. “Shit, there you are. Let’s go. My mother is so pissed with you that she’s having kittens in the limo.”

Andrew wiped at his nose with the palm of his gloved hand as he looked over at Leah. Ryan’s skin crawled as she saw the lecherous look he gave the beautiful woman.

“I’m coming. Christ, Andrew.” Ryan’s irritation with having been handled for the better part of the day by her family was reaching a boiling point, and her asshole cousin was about to be the recipient of her anger.

“Who’s your friend?” Andrew, oblivious to Ryan’s annoyance, stepped around her, and into Leah’s personal space.

“Leah. She was a friend of my mother’s.” Ryan wanted this man to leave them alone. “Have the car pulled around. I’ll meet you here.” She hoped her abrupt tone would give Andrew the hint to leave.

Pulling his phone from his pocket, Andrew smirked. “Let me just call Carol, and she can have the car pulled around.” He smiled at Leah, who continued looking for a cab. “I can wait with you two.”

Leah turned toward Andrew, and Ryan saw a glint of mischief cross the woman’s light green eyes as she took a step toward Andrew. “Hi. I’m Leah.”

Andrew, forgetting his phone for the moment, slipped the device back into his jacket pocket as he reached for Leah’s hand. “Andrew Howland. Plea -”

Before Andrew could finish the introductions, he began to sneeze. Much to Ryan’s amusement, he sneezed not once, but five consecutive times until the man stumbled backward, wiping furiously at his nose and eyes.

“Shit! These fucking allergies.” His eyes were watering profusely as he struggled to breathe through his mouth. “We’ll pull around for you.” Three more sneezes, and Andrew disappeared through the cemetery gate.

“Allergies can be tough.” Leah spoke from just behind Ryan.

Turning around, Ryan was pleasantly surprised to find Leah standing within a few feet of her. “He’s a shit. Sorry about that.” She wanted to hug the woman, and fought the urge, knowing how completely inappropriate it was.

Leah stepped back, and catching a cab out of the corner of her eye, turned and waved the driver over. “I’m sorry again about your mother.”

Ryan watched as the beautiful woman stepped into the cab, and disappeared into the bustle of New York. Standing on the sidewalk, Ryan felt strangely euphoric, and far happier than the day warranted. She and Leah lived in the same city, and when Ryan got back to her life, she intended to look Leah up.

***

“I, Karen Remembrance Myers, being of sound mind and health, do hereby declare that this document is my last will and testament.” The family’s attorney, Michael Johannes, was a wisp of a man. He had a penchant for six thousand dollar black Brioni suits, but his slight frame always left the tailored garments looking bunched and oversized.

Ryan was sitting in her aunt’s library along with Carol, Andrew, Lucy, and three second cousins she didn’t know, nor cared to remember their names. This was the last thing she had to do before she could go home, and the reading of her mother’s will couldn’t be over fast enough for her liking.

A portion of her mother’s estate had already been allocated to various charities throughout the New York area. The reading that Ryan now suffered through was specific to personal effects and members of the family’s inheritance.

“To my sister, Lucille Constance Myers-Howland, I leave ten percent of my estate, along with my Bvlgari jewelry.” Glancing up, Ryan saw the surprised and unhappy expression on her aunt’s face. Clearly, she had expected something more.

“To my nephew, Andrew Roman Howland, I leave my coin collection. It was his grandfather’s, who requested I pass it along upon my death.” Andrew tisked, and indignantly slouched in his chair as Mr. Johannes slowly turned the page. Ryan struggled to sit still, the formality of the reading was stifling, and the lack of gratitude sickening.

“To my dear niece, Carolyn Remembrance Howland, I leave ten percent of my estate, along with my home in Cape Cod, Massachusetts.”

A broad smile spread across Carol’s lips as she reached for Ryan’s hand. “I loved summers there with you and your mother.” Ryan squeezed her cousin’s hand affectionately, and turned her attentions back to the attorney.

“To my daughter, Ryan Haley Myers…” Ryan felt a knot form in her throat, and her heart began to pound in her chest. It had been over six years since her mother had referred to her as her daughter, and the simple words brought tears to Ryan’s eyes.

“…I leave the remaining portion of my estate, along with all remaining real property not already accounted for in this will.” Ryan’s mouth hung open in shock, a low hum in her ears as she watched the attorney shuffle the documents and insert them into a brown leather portfolio.

Ryan and her mother had not so much as exchanged emails in six years; so for her to even remember her in her will, much less leave her such a sizable portion of her estate, rendered Ryan speechless. Their relationship had not just gone badly, it had emphatically ended badly.

“I will not let you ruin this family!” Karen screeched at her twenty one year old daughter. “You will fall into line this instant!”

Ryan had stood in her mother’s study, tears streaming down her face, her lungs burning as she gasped for air. “I will not.”

Karen had gotten up from the leather club style sofa that sat along the back wall of the wood paneled room. Taking the bottle of twenty one year old Balvenie scotch from the silver drink caddy, the enraged woman filled her crystal highball glass to the rim.

“You have no idea the obligations we face.” Karen took a long drink from her glass. “Our lives are not our own, Ryan.”

“I don’t want any of this.” Ryan looked around the opulent room, with the priceless Rembrandt hanging over the thirty thousand dollar rug, and the oak writing desk that Teddy Roosevelt had given her great grandfather. All Ryan could see were bars and pitfalls.

Karen laughed. “Want? What makes you think we have choices here, girl?”

Her mother had always been hateful when challenged, but Ryan had never heard such venom coming from the woman before. “I just want to be left alone. I’ll make my own way.”

Karen set the half empty glass on the drink caddy with a clank and crossed the room. Her shoulders squared and her back stiffened as she glared at her only child. “Don’t you think I’ve wanted that too? In what world do you imagine I would allow you something that I was denied?”

Ryan didn’t understand what her mother was talking about. Her entire life, she had always thought her mother was dignified and committed to the family and everything that implied. Now, the woman in front of her was a stranger - bitter, resentful and spiteful.

“I don’t know your life, Mother. I want my own, though.” Ryan was shocked by the strength of her convictions. She had rarely stood up to her mother, much less openly disagreed with her.

“You’re a whore.” The words fell casually from Karen’s lips as she backed toward the drink caddy, and picking her scotch up, she took a long drink.

A prickling started at the base of Ryan’s neck, and heat began radiating out from it and through her entire body. When she spoke, her words were calm, her voice barely a whisper. “What did you say to me?”

The drunk woman hesitated, but then leveled her gaze at her daughter. “I said you’re a whore.” Karen tilted her head back, emptying the glass. “You forget yourself over a girl. You forget your family, our heritage, our history - for a piece of ass.”

Tears streamed down Ryan’s face, and she forced her words past the lump in her throat. “I’m leaving this house, and I’m leaving you.” Ryan walked toward the door. “I don’t know what choices you’ve made that have left you so angry and so bitter, but I will not be a victim of your tragedies.”

Ryan had been home for spring break and had walked to her room, repacked her bags, gathered a few personal possessions, and left the house. It was the last time she had spoken to her mother.

Over the years, Ryan had kept in touch with Carol, and by default had heard bits and pieces about the family. Her mother had apparently never spoken to anyone about their falling out. In fact, it was only after Ryan explained to Carol what happened that her Aunt Lucy was made aware of the situation.

“Ryan, honey, you need to come home. We love you. I know you think the friends you have now will be there forever, but family is truly the only thing that lasts.” Lucy had pleaded with Ryan over the phone.

“I just can’t be who she wants me to be, Aunt Lucy.” Ryan wasn’t thrilled that Carol had broken down, and no doubt under duress, told her mother everything.

“I’m sure this - this girl you’re seeing is just a phase.”

Ryan slammed her eyes shut. “Aunt Lucy, a person isn’t a phase. Anyway, even if Samantha and I don’t last, guess what - I’m still a lesbian.”

“You hush now, that’s a terrible word.” Lucy lowered her voice. “Lesbian.”

Ryan had nearly laughed. “I have to go, Aunt Lucy. Bye.”

“That’s surprising.” Carol’s voice interrupted Ryan’s reminiscing.

“What?” Ryan looked at Carol.

“The will. I wouldn’t have thought.” Carol was struggling to find the words.

“Oh, right. That.” Ryan shrugged. “Weird.”

Andrew walked up. “Weird? Really, Ryan?” Rolling his eyes, he looked intently at his cousin. “She doesn’t talk to you for six years because you’re a dyke -”

“Hey, Andrew!” Carol interrupted. “Shut your filthy mouth.”

“Fuck you, Carol.” Andrew stepped between his sister and Ryan, scowling at his cousin. “I kissed her ass after you left, and I get a lousy coin collection she was forced to leave me.”

“Drop it, Andrew.” Carol put her hand on her brother’s shoulder.

Shrugging Carol’s hand off, Andrew took a step closer to Ryan, who refused to concede an inch to the incensed man. “I should have gotten mine.”

“If you don’t get out of my face, you’re going to get yours right in the nuts, cuz.” Ryan’s tone was sharp, her blue eyes piercing. She had dealt with this bully all of her life, and she wasn’t about to lose this fight.

Andrew’s eyes widened, and he took a step back. “Fucking dyke.” Turning, he quickly left the room.

Carol pulled Ryan into a hug. “I’m so sorry.”

Ryan shook her head, and leaned back. “It’s not even about me. He’s just an unhappy asshole.”

Carol laughed, and wiped an errant tear from her cheek. “It’s true.”

“Carol.” Lucy stood in the doorway of the library. “I need to speak with you.”

Rolling her eyes, Carol stepped away from Ryan. “Don’t you dare leave without saying goodbye.”

Ryan grinned. “Promise.”

She couldn’t image two more different people than Andrew and Carol, but Ryan felt fortunate to have Carol in her life. She hoped they might see more of each other now the awkwardness of trying to avoid her mother was no longer an obstacle.

“Ms. Myers.” Michael Johannes stood behind Ryan, a sealed manila envelope in his hand. “You’re mother left instructions to give this to you separately, and while we were alone.”

Ryan took the envelope from the man. “What is it?”

“I don’t know for certain. She had me inventory it as an antique book.” The man turned and began sliding paperwork into his leather mailbag. “You will receive several certified letters over the next few weeks. You will need to provide wiring instructions, and/or authorize the numerous accounts to remain as is with the necessary ownership changes.” The attorney turned to face Ryan. “I would also recommend you get yourself a good tax attorney.”

Ryan turned the envelope over in her hands. It was heavy. “I’m sorry, what?”

The man smiled. “I don’t think you understand what’s happened here today, Ms. Myers.” The man reached for Ryan’s hand, his slim fingers encircling hers. “You’ve just inherited over twenty million dollars, and that doesn’t include the five properties. In total -” The man looked out of the corner of his eye, clearly adding numbers up in his head. “Nearly fifty million dollars.”

Ryan was, once again, rendered speechless. She knew her family was wealthy, but it had always been considered in poor taste to discuss actual numbers. That, and the fact she had disassociated from the family before she would have had to know the financial details, made the number the attorney now gave her all the more surreal.

“I - I had no idea.” Ryan felt sick to her stomach. She hadn’t wanted any of her mother’s money, and the obligations and responsibilities that came with it. It would seem though, in spite of Ryan’s best efforts, her mother had managed to snare her anyway.

“I wouldn’t generally say this, but having spoken with Karen on several occasions, and -” The man hesitated before continuing. “And knowing a bit about you and she’s situation, Karen had confided in me her hopes that you would put the money to practical and philanthropic uses.”

Ryan’s eyes shot up to Mr. Johannes’ face. “What?”

The man shrugged, and took a step toward the door. “She said you were the most decent of the lot, and would make something out of yourself.” The attorney left the room, and a stunned Ryan.

Ryan’s knees buckled and she sat with a plop on the Queen Anne style chair. Her mother had always been so critical of her. Even as a child, she was constantly being reminded of the importance of appearance, manners, and breeding. In return, and in spite of her best efforts, Ryan had always felt she fell short in her mother’s expectations.

In the end, her mother had chosen to hold her above the whirl and wrath. She recognized her not only as her daughter, but as a person capable of something good and right. Ryan knew, in that moment, she had no real idea what her mother had endured, and they had treated each other badly. It was as much because of Ryan’s ignorance of her mother’s life as it was her mother’s willful disregard of Ryan’s.