There’s a lot of debate about what spiritually and physically makes a great fried rice and some other BS. But the real true winning-est answer known by about every Asian on planet Earth this side of the solar system and in a galaxy known to some as the Milky Way: It’s SPAM. End of debate. I won’t accept any other sides to this argument, mainly because I’ll be too busy stuffing my face with Spam Brussels Sprout Fried Rice.
2–4 SERVINGS
½ ounce (small handful) Brussels sprouts, halved
1 tablespoon brown sugar
4 ounces Spam, sliced ¾-inch thick
2 large eggs
1 tablespoon coarsely chopped garlic
¼ cup shredded carrots
1 serrano chili pepper
4 cups cooked, day-old jasmine rice*
1 teaspoon chicken bouillon
1 teaspoon white pepper†
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1 teaspoon sugar
½ cup chopped cilantro, plus additional for garnish
BALLS OUT
40–80 SERVINGS
12½ ounces Brussels sprouts
1½ cups brown sugar
6¼ pounds Spam, sliced ¾-inch thick
50 large eggs
1½ cups coarsely chopped garlic
6¼ cups shredded carrots
25 serrano chili peppers
25 quarts cooked, day-old jasmine rice *
8⅓ tablespoons chicken bouillon
8⅓ tablespoons white pepper†
8⅓ tablespoons kosher salt
8⅓ tablespoons sugar
12½ cups chopped cilantro, plus additional for garnish
1. Let’s start with caramelizing the Brussels by adding some oil to a pan on high heat. Then throwing in the Brussels once the oil starts to smoke just a tad, and adding brown sugar and stir-frying for 2–3 minutes until they get a good golden caramel color with some char on the Brussels as well. Remove from heat, set Brussels aside in a bowl, and clean pan so the sugars don’t burn the rest of the recipe.
2. Now here’s the secret to really getting the flavor and achieving true Spam Karma (“Welcome to karmic Spam enlightenment, my child”): Heat up a pan with some cooking oil to medium-high heat. Once the pan’s hot, sear slices of gelatinous Spam amazingness and watch them turn into tasty swans of sabor (“flavor” in Spanish). Don’t flip over until you get a nice char on one side; then flip and sear the other. Remove from pan (but don’t clean the pan yet). Cut your Spam-mini-steaks into ¾-inch cubes. Try the crustiest one to see what all the crispy Spamy enlightenment fuss is all about.
3. Whisk the eggs in a bowl, add a dash of salt, and set aside.
4. In the Spam-flavored pan, add 1 tablespoon cooking oil on high heat. Once the pan is hot, add the garlic, carrots, and serranos to the pan individually in that order and sauté until each is lightly browned before adding the next. Set aside together in a bowl.
5. Keep pan on high heat; add and cook eggs for 15–20 seconds. Eggs should be runny. Set aside back in original bowl.
6. Add a little bit more oil and the day-old cooked rice. Mix in until you get good color on the rice, breaking all the clumps apart. Be careful not to dry out. If you do, add less than a tablespoon more oil and stir-fry rice again.
7. Add sautéed garlic, carrots, and serranos. Mix in to rice. Decrease to medium heat and add chicken bouillon, white pepper, salt, and sugar. Mix well.
8. Next, add Spam and Brussels sprouts, while constantly mixing and moving the rice around the pan. Add eggs and mix into rice.
9. Add cilantro, then quickly mix for 5–10 seconds. Remove pan from heat.
Plate in a nice big family-style bowl, garnish with a little more cilantro, and share or eat by yourself while you sit in front of your TV watching Nashville and Empire (they’re my TV yin and yang). Enjoy eating . . . and the spectacular TV catfights in store for you!
* If you don’t have any jasmine rice, any long-grain rice will do. BUT if you’re using medium, short, or, heaven forbid, my favorite Vietnamese breakfast of a lifetime, broken (jasmine) rice, fried rice becomes a bit harder to accomplish. It’s gonna be different, but whatevs—have at it, and Instagram it with the hashtag #stuffitSK.
† Black pepper is NOT the same as white pepper—so get white pepper if you can. It’s REALLY different. I PROMISE.