My hand dropped from his as he slipped his phone back into his pocket. “You’re going home? Today?”
Cole sighed and rubbed his eyes and then spent a moment drumming at his temples before focusing his eyes on me. “Yeah.”
“Why?”
He shrugged. “Because I won’t be able to on Wednesday. Apparently my grandfather left some business messes for us to clean up. And I need to gather up some things, since this isn’t just a vacation anymore. And, I guess, it will give us a chance to see my mother. Who knows when all the planets will align for that to happen again.”
I loved Cassidy. Dr. Cassidy Dolan-Kimball. She certainly wasn’t the most maternal of the mothers growing up, but she was kind to us all and loved us dearly. I’d asked her once, years after I became an adult myself, why she had hyphenated and kept her father’s name after Old Man Kimball officially adopted her, since every story I’d ever heard about Eleanor’s first husband had indicted him as a horrible father, an even worse husband, and just a despicable human being in general. One she had never once spoken to since she and her mother had broken free. She’d explained to me that for better or worse, her entire path in life—from leaving Indiana with her mom as a little girl to wanting to adopt a child to getting her PhD in some fancy societal-discourse thing I could never remember but which basically meant Cassidy was qualified to save the world—had begun in her biological father’s broken home. She had told me that all the pain and all the heartache made just as much of an impact on who we became as the love and the joy and the happiness.
“I’m not going,” I whispered, and then I planted my feet and forced the words out again with all the resolve I could muster. “I’m not going. I’m happy to help you get packed and book flights or whatever, but I’m not leaving until Wednesday. Like we planned.”
His lips scrunched up toward his cheeks. “Huh. That’s funny.”
“What?”
A gust of air escaped from him, and his shoulders fell. “I wasn’t imagining being on the flight home without you. I wasn’t imagining doing any of this without you.”
I suppose that was sort of funny. Not funny-ha-ha, of course. More funny-I-think-I-can-actually-feel-my-heart-cracking-apart-inside-of-me.
Was I making a huge mistake? Was it just my stubbornness causing me to be selfish and inconsiderate? If he needed me there, I needed to go. Right?
“You have the power to make me do anything you want me to do.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “But please don’t ask me to say goodbye to New York Cole and Laila and then turn right around and say goodbye to Adelaide Springs Cole and Laila. I’m not sure I’d survive it.”
He cleared his throat and looked down at the cracks in the pavement. “No. Of course.”
“So you just focus on what you need to do for your family—”
“You know you’re my family, right?” Cole took a step toward me and clutched both of my hands in his, then bent his knees to be on eye level with me. “And you’re right. I was totally being a jerk.” He inhaled his bottom lip in between his teeth and closed his eyes. “I’m sorry. I just . . .” His eyes opened again. “This whole week just came out of the blue, you know? For me, I mean. I know that you had already thought it all through and examined the possibilities, weighed the pros and cons . . . all of that. But like I said, until this week, I had just never even gone there.” He shrugged. “I’m slow. Not gonna deny it. I mean, you had already ruled out the possibility of there ever being a future for us, in that way, before . . . I don’t know . . . before I even realized you have better legs than Seb—”
“What are you talking about?”
He laughed. “I’m sure Sebastian has very nice legs, of course, but of all my friends . . .”
“No, I mean, why did you say I had already ruled out the possibility of there ever being a future for us?”
“Because that’s what you said.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did. At Shake Shack. You said . . . well . . .” He cocked his head to the side and furrowed his brows. “I asked if the thought of us had zoomed through or if it had landed, and you said—”
“I said yes to both.”
He nodded. “Exactly. You said you had weighed all the pros and cons, and . . .” His voice, so strong and confident just a few words earlier, fizzled out. “But if you hadn’t . . . Why didn’t you ever . . . So what does that even mean, Laila? You weighed the pros and cons, and then what?”
And then what?
How could I explain it? How could I ever even begin to explain what came next in my mind? It wasn’t about our friendship being ruined if we made the wrong choice, and it wasn’t about waiting for him to fall in love with me. It wasn’t about me pining after him or the two of us having some sort of “if we’re not married by forty” pact.
“You know how everyone has always asked us why we aren’t together? Or insinuated that we should be?”
“For our entire lives.”
I chuckled and looked down at our hands—just one big jumble of fingers. “Yeah. A few years ago Sebastian asked me why you and I never dated. He asked if it was because we love each other too much.”
“That’s a nice way to put it,” Cole murmured.
“You’re right. It is. But I told him that wasn’t it. I told him . . .” I sniffed and raised my arm to wipe my eyes, pulling Cole’s hands with me. “I told him that you and I love each other just the right amount, Cole Kimball. And that’s the best way I know how to answer your question too. I weighed the pros and cons, and guess what? No matter how you slice it, you and I work. As friends, as coworkers, as family . . . And, yeah, probably as, well, whatever we want to be to each other. You and I will always work. When you and I are together, there just aren’t a whole lot of cons. Not with us. It’s just . . . you know.”
“Everything else.”
“Yeah.”
He released my hands and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into him. “I just can’t stand the thought,” he whispered against my hair, “of us not being okay.”
“You and I will always be okay.” I slipped my arms around his waist. “Adelaide Springs Cole and Laila aren’t going anywhere. They’re not really saying goodbye. Just entering a new season.” A new season with two thousand miles and an entire time zone between them. “I mean, you can feel free to call me. We can FaceTime ten times a day, if you want. Not that I want you to feel any pressure to do that. I know you’re going to be busy with the new job and—”
“Oh, stop it. I probably won’t be able to make it to the airport without texting you.”
I chuckled. “Literally. But just remember, you won’t have signal underground, so if you get lost . . .” Um, no. He was never going to be able to make it without getting lost. “On second thought, you should probably take a Lyft.”
“Yeah. Good call.” He kissed my temple before stepping back from me, and a million cherished memories fought to outshine the melancholy passing between us as our eyes remained locked. “I have to admit, I’m sad to be saying goodbye to New York Cole and Laila.”
I smiled up at him sadly. “Me too.”
“And this is why I’m scared, Lai. Like, right now, I need to go, and I don’t know if I should hug you or kiss you or give you a high five. It’s always been so easy. You have always been at the center of the most natural, effortless moments in my life. And now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
I took a step toward him and ran my hands up his arms, to his shoulders. “Well, we sure as snot aren’t going to say goodbye to New York Cole and Laila with an affectionate high five.”
He grinned at me and brushed his thumb down my jawline. “Oh, thank goodness.” And then his lips were on mine and his arms were around my waist, raising me to him and holding me like he wasn’t sure he would ever let me go.
“What is happening right now?” Brynn practically squealed, startling us out of a goodbye kiss for the ages. Cole and I turned to face a gasping Brynn, a laughing Sebastian, and a very forgotten (at least by me) Milo Ventimiglia. Brynn covered her mouth before turning to Seb. “Did you know about this?” Before he could respond, her about-to-explode eyes were on us again. “How long has this been going on?” Another gasp. “While we were in Germany? And you didn’t tell us? Oh, who even cares? I’m so excited. It’s about time!”
I pulled away from Cole, not worried about having been caught but not wanting him to get freaked out by discussion and speculation about what any of it meant. “Chill, Brynn. Just . . . chill. We’ll talk about it later. But, um, right now . . . Cole needs to go home.” I did all I could to swallow down the sadness one more time. “To Adelaide Springs.”
Brynn looked from me to Sebastian, and then her eyes landed on Cole. “Why? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. Just some paperwork stuff relating to my grandfather’s estate. I think.” Cole shrugged. “And my mom’s flying in. And I need to, um . . . Well, I’ll be back—”
“Cole’s going to be the sous chef at a new restaurant in Brooklyn!” I blurted out. He laced his fingers through mine, and I squeezed his hand almost hard enough to keep mine from shaking. “Isn’t that amazing?”
“Wow. Congrats, man.” Sebastian broke the painful silence that had lingered for several seconds. “Is this Sylvia’s place?”
“Yeah. Thanks. I start Tuesday, so . . .” He didn’t release his grip on me, but with his other hand he pulled his phone from his pocket and started texting.
“Just remembered you haven’t actually accepted the job?” I asked him softly.
He grinned as his phone made the swoosh sound of a text being sent. “Yep.”
Sebastian was talking to Milo about Sylvia being Sylvia Garos, and Milo was telling Seb that he had a reservation there in January, which was the soonest he could get on the list. And Brynn was . . . Well, Brynn was connecting all the painful dots of what wasn’t being said by her lifelong friends.
“So I guess we’ll see you soon,” she said, her eyes brimming with tears as she embraced Cole.
He hugged her. “Take good care of our girl for the next few days. She’s accustomed to a certain New York lifestyle now, you know. That includes Black & White Cookies at least twice a day.” He pulled away from her and punched Sebastian on the shoulder. “I’ll be talking to you.”
“Do we need to call you a ride to the airport?”
“Yes!” I answered for him. I’d sort of forgotten, after our endless miles of walking and taking the train without them, that our friends were Escalade people.
“On it.” Sebastian pulled out his phone and pushed a couple buttons. “Safe travels, pal.” He returned the friendly punch and then turned away to talk, presumably to Malik.
It was while Brynn was staring sadly at Cole and me, and Cole and I were trying to pull our eyes away from each other in order to get moving, but not quite finding the strength to do so, that my jilted date broke up the heavy silence.
“Hey, I’m Milo.” He stuck his hand out toward Cole and me, and his eyes darted between us. “Congratulations on the job and . . . something about paperwork and Germany, I think? I’m not sure I understand anything that’s happened in the last few minutes, but, um . . . sorry for your loss. Maybe?”
Cole stuck his hand out to Milo. “Hey, I’m Cole. Sorry about all this.”
“Laila.” I jutted my hand out and smiled, manufacturing a bit of civility. A little bit of anything other than my desire to never take my eyes off of Cole. To never let go of him. What I wouldn’t give to be able to go back in time and tell 2002 Laila Olivet that there would come a day when Jess Mariano would be nothing more than a handsome, charming, bad-boy third wheel to her.
“I’m Milo. Great to meet you.”
Milo said something after that. Something about how he wished he could say it was the first time he’d walked in on his date kissing another man or something. And then something else that made Cole and Brynn laugh. And he was totally gorgeous, of course. I mean, he was Milo Ventimiglia. In the flesh. I heard him say something about how he was sorry he didn’t have more time. Or did he say he was sorry he hadn’t had more wine? No, that wasn’t right. I could remember reading an interview where he said he didn’t drink, so it must have been the time thing.
He was also a vegetarian. Admirable and all and, yes, he would probably live longer than I would. But seriously. There could be no future for me with a man who didn’t eat bacon.
Pretty soon, after one more hug and insistence from me that if he was going to make it to Adelaide Springs today he had to get going, Cole was heading into Brynn and Seb’s building, turning back and waving at me one more time, and then he was out of sight. And a few minutes later Milo was hopping on his motorcycle, very nice and forgiving about being stood up by the waitress from Colorado who had once had his face as the wallpaper on her Compaq Presario computer, and I could have followed after him. Cole, not Milo. That would have just been stalking. But I could have followed Cole. I could have spent a few more minutes with him. I could have helped him pack and booked his flight, and helped him process his emotions about everything that was happening. But that wasn’t New York Laila’s job. He’d said goodbye to New York Laila, and that was that. So now my job was to figure out where New York Laila ended and Adelaide Springs Laila began, so that by the next time I talked to my best friend, I would be in a better position to manage that nagging little crossover detail of being madly, completely, hopelessly in love with him.