‘Janaka told her to bring happiness into
marriage, rather than seek happiness from
it.’
— Devdutt Pattanaik,
Sita: An Illustrated Retelling of the Ramayana
Marriage is the coming together of two individuals from entirely different backgrounds, mindsets, and familial or cultural conditioning. It is a metaphor for worldliness. On a metaphysical note, it is the union of the soul and flesh. Marriages are made in heaven, and the Vedic explanation for this observation lies in the theory of karma. Our actions have consequences that create a debt with the people in our lives. It takes seven lifetimes to settle this karmic debt. The process of rebirth, known as reincarnation, is the central concept of Indian philosophy; hence, in the Hindu way of life, marriage essentially sets the stage for the settlement of karmic debts. The nature of the debt—good or bad—decides the kind of married life one would have. Luck plays an important role in Indian marriages and dominates the Eastern psyche as there is only so much that the parents can ensure for their children. But the outcome of the marriage is left to the couple’s individual luck.
On a more rational note, the union is seen as an opportunity for two cultures to intermingle. The union also brings a sense of euphoria and vibrancy in the household through new food, tales, and, most importantly, the promise of a new generation that enriches the lives of the householders.
According to the Vedic rites of marriage, the couple was expected to share seven things—a house, fire, water, income, children, pleasure, and conversation. Conversation was the way to a woman’s heart as, through conversation, the woman felt emotionally drawn to her husband which eventually led to a physical connection. For a man, it was through physical intimacy that he felt emotionally connected and drawn towards his wife.
‘Marriage is a social arrangement. I take
it, and it has nothing to do with the
question of love.’
— D.H. Lawrence, Women in Love
The concept of marriage is different for both men and women. For a man, marriage is more of a commitment to the established order rather than to the relationship with a woman. Through marriage, a man dedicates himself to the role of a householder which facilitates him to fulfil the three aims of life—piety, wealth, and pleasure. He makes a promise to the bride’s father that he would protect and honour his bride. By carrying out the role of a householder, a man elevates himself to a respectable and responsible human being.
Through marriage, a man looks forward to enjoying the comforts of a household like cooked food, washed clothes, an organised and tidy house, and physical love. In fact, the need for the fulfilment of sexual pleasure was seen as a legitimate human activity, and marriage fulfilled this purpose. Marriage and procreation of children is seen as a positive duty of a householder; it is the survival of the human race and individual genetic line, in particular. A man also wanted an heir to pass on the resources—wealth and property—he had gathered through inheritance and hard work.
He turned to the elders of the house to arrange a match for him. Through their wisdom and experience, the elders would be able to judge the character and qualities required to make an ideal wife and, more importantly, the mother of his children. After all, the earth is just as important as the seed because, together, they ensure a healthy crop. Hence, for a man, marriage was more of a functional act than the one that was driven by love or passion. This does not mean that he did not love his wife. But primarily, for a man, his wife was the mother of his children.
The modern man doesn’t seem to think very differently. He may not depend on the elders to arrange a match for him, at least not in the Western countries. But be it the East or the West, for a long-term relationship, the man still looks for strength of character along with physical attraction. The main reason behind this is that the man wants an unspoken assurance that the woman will bear his children as going for a DNA test along with the birth certificate is not a very appetising thought, is it? At least for now it isn’t, but who knows that for the future generations this may just be the norm!
‘Every woman needed a husband. Even if
he did silence the song in her.’
— Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner
For a woman, marriage is all about the man she marries. Her whole being, her entire world revolves around him. She may or may not be taught to worship him, but she reveres him, nonetheless. She leaves her parents, siblings, friends, comforts, and all things familiar, just for this one person, her husband. For her, he is primarily the love of her life, the object of her devotion; she strips herself of her identity and ego and loses herself in him. She is willing to lead the life he chooses for her.
If he adorns her in silk, she is happy; if he lives in the forest, she will accompany him in spite of all the discomforts she has to bear; she just wants him by her side. Their children, for her, are an embodiment of the love they share and a priceless gift that she bestows upon him. However, there is just one thing that she asks in return for her devotion—he must be completely hers, body and soul. She wants her husband to render himself to her, and, in turn, she promises to serve him like a humble slave for the rest of her life.
Women are not as complicated as they are projected to be, they are just vain. They want their man to be the mirror in which her reflection never changes. She wants the flame that lit up his eyes the first time he saw her to keep burning every single day. But alas, there’s so much beauty in the world that the fire never dies! It just stops burning for her. And, sooner or later, she learns the ugly truth: men have an innate aversion to monogamy.