‘What was it about marriage anyway?
Even if you loved your husband, there
came that inevitable year when fucking
him turned as bland as Velveeta cheese:
filling, fattening even, but no thrill to
the taste buds, no bittersweet edge, no
danger. And you longed for an overripe
Camembert, a rare goat cheese: luscious,
creamy, cloven-hoofed.’
— Erica Jong, Fear of Flying
Surprisingly, incompatibility and abuse are not the only reasons why women have affairs. Sometimes it is sheer boredom or indifference of the spouse that makes them feel neglected. Sometimes they encounter better prospects after getting married that tempt them. But mostly, women just want an escape from their sense of disillusionment. They are daunted by the contrast in the version of a colourful married life that they had imagined and this monochromatic reality that they seem to be subjected to.
‘It was not that she was interested in
what he said; she was absorbed by his self-
revelation, by HIM, she wanted the secret
of him, the experience of his male being.’
— D.H. Lawrence, Women in Love
Women find rich, powerful, and famous men highly appealing. Even if this man is unavailable, it makes no difference to her. Going to bed with him does wonders to her self-esteem; in fact, women are known to have more orgasms with rich and powerful men as opposed to the regular run-of-the-mill kind. She feels completely intoxicated by his imperious ways, the power he wields over people, the authority with which he conducts himself, and the way in which people feel intimidated by his presence.
He, in the true sense, is her knight in shining armour, who, she imagines, has the solutions to all her problems. She feels secure in his company. To experience the company of such a man gives women enough of a rush to have multiple orgasms.
The problem with these affairs arise when the woman wants the man to come clean and make an honest woman out of her by marrying her.
If the man is single, he will want a well-bred girl, someone who is not an easy lay. And if he is married, he tries to continue with the liaison as long as it does not tarnish his image. Once his reputation is threatened, he severs all ties with the other woman with as little damage as possible.
The women who are involved with such men try their best to capitalise on the lust factor so that they can bask in the glory of his identity and have access to his wealth, too. But if they expect anything more, they ought to know better.
‘Marriage dissolves love.’
— Albert Camus, A Happy Death
Some women have an extramarital affair because they are miserable or unhappy in their current marriage. Most common reasons behind an unhappy marriage is incompatibility in habits, approach, attitude, conduct, money, and value system between the couple. Their case may not be urgent unless physical abuse is involved, but they want an exit and are constantly on the lookout for someone who will commit to them.
Mostly, such women are incapable of supporting themselves financially. Even if they are working, they are unable to maintain the high standard of living that they are used to. Hence, it becomes imperative for them to find someone worthwhile before they dump their husbands. Married men often tend to fall prey to such women because they think that they are pitiable. They love to play the knight in shining armour to the damsel in distress, even at the cost of their kingdom.
‘I knew something was amiss but did not
have a clue as to what it was. Perhaps
it was my heart, it rarely missed a beat.
Monogamy and monotony became
synonymous.’
— Tehmina Durrani, My Feudal Lord
For all its convenience, after a few years, marital sex becomes quite predictable. Most women confess that the predictability of the moves is such a dampener that there is no element of excitement at all, and the body seems programmed to the response. The third category of affairs is a result of these predictable killjoys.
This is the most common reason for an affair where women date men solely for excitement. They are not looking to break their marriage or interfere in the man’s life, whether he is married or not. Women are in it purely for the thrill and the rush. The phantoms, who hound them when they are with their husbands, come alive in flesh and blood through what Erica Jong termed as 'the zipless fuck'—no strings attached, no emotional baggage, just pure unadulterated pleasure. The woman gets to unleash her inner sex goddess and enjoys her sensuality sans any guilt. Her ideal partner is mostly a guy who is ostensibly younger to her and matches her enthusiasm. His non-judgemental attitude towards her makes her shed her inhibitions and further adds to her rush. It is not a lifelong arrangement but lasts at least till the object of her lust moves on with his life.
‘I feel quite happy when two really fucked
people marry each other—the world
begins to look organized.’
— Upamanyu Chatterjee, English,
August: An Indian Story
Nothing about women or sex can be generalised. The one assumption that works to the advantage of men is that women have a distaste for sex. The differences in libidos also leads a woman to look for sex outside of marriage, just like a man. It is not a woman’s fault that she, too, is a sexual creature and has her needs! If a man can’t rise to the occasion, frequently or occasionally, the woman shouldn’t be made to feel wanton if she chooses to fulfil her personal needs.
A lot of men, however, prefer docile women so that they accept them along with their inadequacies, or should he come under a bad weather spell, she weathers it with him! The man sees this act of charity as no less than an act of piety on the part of the woman. The least he can do for the woman is gift a sex toy for this gratuitous act!