‘. . . the feeling that she had been looked
upon, not from the outside, but from the
inside, from her secret female self.’
— D.H. Lawrence, The Virgin and the Gypsy
Beautiful things are tempting, and women are beautiful creatures. Along with being nurturers, they also have an aesthetic appeal to them. Since we all have an aesthetic value embedded in us, neither men nor women can ignore the beauty in a woman. They are the object of scrutiny, appreciation, and envy of other women and the subject of male fantasies. Their beauty has the power to launch a thousand ships, their mockery can sow the seed of a battle of epic proportion, and their smile is enough for a king to forsake his kingdom.
A man’s instincts are visually motivated. Traditionally, the seemingly innocuous act of looking upon a face has an intimacy that is mostly associated with eroticism. Many women have experienced a look which makes them feel like they were some exotic or rare species just escaped from the zoo. Just by looking at a beautiful woman, men experience an instant hormone surge. Sadly, for them, once visually alerted to a woman’s beauty, they become rationally and morally challenged. It is very easy for a woman to seduce a man for this reason.
Even Lord Shiva couldn’t resist the apsara, Mohini, when he saw her garment drop from her perfect body; He was overwhelmed by her nakedness. He wasn’t even ashamed of making a spectacle of Himself in front of His wife. Only after He had ejaculated could His mind think clearly, and He realised His predicament!4
Lord Shiva’s story vis-à-vis Mohini is every married man’s story when he has an extramarital affair. It rarely has anything to do with love, it is all about lust; the lust which he soaks in with his eyes to evaluate a woman’s sexual potential. If she arouses his curiosity, then he looks for an opportunity, or at least an interlude with her, if possible.
He does not think of consequences, only gratification. As far as he is concerned, he does not even want a consequence because lust is ultimately just lust, it has nothing to do with love. In the end, he just wants to conquer the woman, and if he does, it is the end of the story as far as he is concerned.
The basis of marriage is fidelity. But invariably, majority of the marriages are breaking up because either of the two partners has been unfaithful. So, should infidelity be the cause of a divorce? In all sensibility, yes! All relationships are based on trust, marriage more so because you decide to live your entire life with someone solely on the trust factor, and if this basic aspect of a relationship is missing, how can you possibly carry on?
It is a well-known fact that men often react aggressively when their trust is broken as opposed to women. According to the Indian mythological tales, Renuka, wife of Rishi Jamadagni, was beheaded for momentarily desiring a man who was not her husband. In another such mythological tale, Ahilya, wife of Rishi Gautama, was turned into stone for being unfaithful to her husband. Why is it that a man’s reaction borders on violence but a woman’s is subject to consideration?
Evidently, it is all about investment. In her autobiography, Love, Loss, and What We Ate: A Memoir, Padma Lakshmi, ex-wife of author Salman Rushdie, reveals that he had called her a ‘bad investment’ after she refused his sexual advances. While some men tend to see their wives as an investment, there is more to their reaction than just a ‘loss of investment’ when a woman cheats.
Underneath their reaction also lies a sense of sexual inadequacy. Since a man is responsible for running the household, which mostly includes his wife’s upkeep, he feels twice as cheated—both his ego and his pocket take a beating. Since the wife was living off him, all that he had done to maintain her was now reduced to nothing. What is even worse is that her infidelity also indicates a possibility of him being perceived as someone who is incapable of keeping a woman happy. It is a hit below the belt, where it hurts the most. And this direct challenge to his virility riles him up.
While nothing much can be done about this aspect except, perhaps, to remarry someone younger to prove his macho worth, as far as monetary damage is concerned, mercifully, the law is on his side. Even the court denies alimony to an adulterous wife because it is a breach of marital trust.
When a man cheats, the wife weighs her options. If she can afford to move out with dignity and continue to live without compromising her standard of living, she moves out and gets a divorce. Or else, out of sheer lack of choice, she continues to stay in the relationship. She either decides to forgive her husband or overlook the affair because her children’s best interests are her priority.
In olden times, the princesses were trained to accept that once married, the king may take another wife. Hence, she entered the marriage open to the idea of being one of the many wives. Prior to marriage, the kings were even known to visit courtesans. Whereas, the princesses’ virginity was well guarded till the time she was given away in marriage.
In the Victorian era, young women always stepped out with a chaperone and were sent to convents. They even wore a chastity belt to protect their virginity. In the East, the concept of kanyadaan, where the father gives his virgin daughter’s hand to the groom in marriage, was given high premium. It indicated a woman’s chaste character and sound upbringing. Men are known to locate their honour in the women of their households, particularly in the East. The preservation of this honour is passed on to the groom and it becomes his responsibility to safeguard it.
A man feels obliged to share his resources only with someone who is exclusively his forever. The woman’s exclusivity makes her exquisite; it entitles her to his wealth and identity. Since men are not dependent on women for either, they know that unlike women, they have a fair chance of getting a new lease in their marriage should they falter, even though there is nothing exquisite about it!