‘You’ve got to take down the love-and-
marriage ideal from its pedestal. We want
something broader.’
— D.H. Lawrence, Women in Love
Every once in a while, a voice surfaces on the state of the universal institution of marriage. Some believe that it should come with an expiry date, some believe that it is time we have a wedding lease which is subject to renewal, and some have even gone ahead and suggested that men and women should choose one partner to raise a family with but also have the freedom to sleep with ten others, aka open marriage.
It is no secret that everyday living robs the mystery element out of our spouse. We can’t possibly picture them while listening to the love songs, especially after we have just put out their undergarments to dry. The love song is for that elusive mysterious man whose perfect and impeccable ways make us go weak in the knees, who romances us, who speaks only with his eyes, and opens his mouth just to kiss. The song finishes, and you are shaken out of your reverie to enact what seems like an unending rehearsed scene of your married life.
And yet, how healthy are these proposed options that people feel so strongly about? Is fidelity really a bourgeois notion? Is marriage really as stifling as people believe it to be? Is living your fantasy every time you feel that obvious sexual electricity with someone the only way out? Do we really need exuberance throughout our lives?
There are no ready-made answers or solutions. Each couple has their own priorities and needs in a marriage. These may be specific to a couple, but the general notion of marriage and its vow of fidelity is for keeps. As Robert Frost once said, ‘Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.’ So is the case with marriages. Lust above love is never the solution to marital problems; it is only a temporary solution, if at all. More often than not, the game eventually turns dangerous.
The illicit liaisons overwhelm us with their promise of delicious excitement. They lure us, entice us like a smoke from a magic potion. But as soon as we have fulfilled one fantasy, another one catches our eye, and, gradually, we spiral lower and lower into the abyss. Till the time these fantasies remain in our mind, they seem surreal, but once you have had the experience, you realise that the fantasy was no different from the reality with your spouse.
Swedish author Hjalmar Soderberg states, ‘I believe in the lust of the flesh and the incurable solitude of the soul.’6 It is the cure for the loneliness of our soul that we seek through sexual experiences with various partners, hoping for someone to help us escape the nothingness of our life.
Women, being intuitive creatures, do not easily give in to their fantasies. Most women are aware that acting out their fantasies is not the solution to fill the void, and, so, they would rather choose to cherish the mystery, the illusion of the phantom in her head.
Marital sex does reach a bland plateau, but it can be worked upon. The problem does not lie in the concept of marriages, per se. In fact, the actual problem lies in our lack of effort. It seems pointless because we assume that our partners are not going anywhere. Only when we are faced with the harsh reality of the presence of the other person in our partner’s life do we regret our complacency. It may not be too late just yet, all you need to do is reach out to him.