‘Yet one thing he was certain about now:
between love and peace of mind he would
choose the latter.’
— Ha Jin, Waiting
A man-woman relationship has come a long way. The equation has undergone a sea change. But we are still victims of conditioned responses. Women, even today, think twice before they approach a guy or initiate sex. While men risk their ego to initiate anything, women put their reputation on the line. Even when a woman initiates sex with her own husband, she is perceived as a possible adulteress by him.
As a singleton, if she vies for male company, then she is incapable of being trusted. The fact that she may have felt an emotional connection with one particular person is beyond men. According to some men, if a woman enjoys male company, it becomes synonymous of her being wanton. And guys have a way of spreading the word around. Once they are through with the girl, they let the others know that she is an easy lay.
This is especially true in the East where a woman’s character is still judged by how coy she is. The woman initiates a relationship or gives in to her lover out of the emotion she feels for him, but for the guy, the fact that she could be physically intimate with him out of wedlock is enough proof to presume that she could do so with anyone. This is because, for guys, sex is a form of physical connection, not emotional. Only women understand that if a woman was physically intimate with a guy, he must have really meant something to her.
The teachings of faith and our conservative set up does not help either. It has turned sex into a taboo! The impression of sex in our mind is something we rarely outgrow. Any experience which is remotely sexual in nature, encompasses us with the feeling of guilt, or worse, shame. To make peace with the raging hunger of the body and a conscience that never takes a vacation is agonising. How are things any different from before?
East or West, women are labelled as desperate and men as romantic when they pursue someone from the opposite sex. With this inequity that has been the premise of a man-woman relationship, we enter the holy matrimony. Men have managed to get away with the reputation of being averse to the idea of monogamy, but women are supposed to be at the mercy of their husbands’ libido or the lack of it! When it comes to weaving the moral structure of the society, the onus is conveniently thrust upon women.
Are we glorifying monogamy at the cost of living a lesser life? Is it really such a big deal to sleep outside of marriage? Maybe it is just a way to balance out the shortcomings of a marriage. As long as there is a clear understanding of the state of affairs and nobody is being cheated on, maybe it is all right.
Whether or not the institution of marriage needs reformation makes for a great debate. But, as a couple, we need to display a sense of responsibility for our progeny, after all, values are caught, not taught. And we do not want our children to grow up in a degenerate society. The feeling of warmth shared by the parents acts as an incubator for the children, and it helps them grow with a healthy self-image and relationship-affirming values. The shelter of love and togetherness is irreplaceable, and as long as it is present, all is well in our world.
Monogamy, like all things of any value, requires overcoming our temptations. It is the sacrifice that we make when we adorn the role of a householder. If and when we are ready to embrace fidelity as a way of life should we even consider getting married; if not, then one must feel free to live the life that one wants, and not feel compelled to conform to societal norms of marriage.
We need to reflect on what we really want from our marriage before involving another person in it. Are we willing to settle down with one person? What is more important to us—companionship, travel, or work? Do we want children? If yes, how many? It is surprising, almost woeful, when people regret having kids. Sometimes people wonder why they even decided to have a second child? The answer is simple—because they were programmed to think of it as the norm.
The world, with its fast-paced technology, is constantly changing. While it exposes us to more information than we can digest, it also leaves us with little time to gather information about ourselves. We do not have the time to ponder upon what we really want from our life, marriage or spouse! Yes, we can’t get made-to-order partners, but a common belief system takes the relationship a long way.
Love may or may not last. We all grow disillusioned in our relationships, and a husband-wife relationship is no different. Yet, just as we don’t forsake our parents, siblings, or children, we can’t possibly forsake our partner because, in the end, there is something above love in this world.
We take a vow to look after our spouse in sickness and in health, in wealth and in penury, for better or for worse, and till death do us part. Love may or may not be unconditional, duty certainly is. And marriage is a sense of duty to fulfil.