‘I was a woman, and I had loved a man.
It was a simple story; there was nothing to
make a fuss about.’
— Françoise Sagan, A Certain Smile
Love is mysterious. The artists, writers, poets, and musicians are all intrigued by it in equal measure, and they have tried to explore it through their own medium. But despite our mixed efforts to fathom and pursue it, like the quest for happiness, it eludes us. We seem to conjure this abstract notion of love out of a sense of longing and emptiness that encircles our life.
Through love we seek to give meaning to our mundane and inconsequential existence. We want love to complete us and, most importantly, validate our existence. In the absence of love, we feel like lost souls, constantly in search of our soulmates who, we expect, will cherish us and understand us. We hope to share our joys and sorrows, agonies and ecstasies, and achievements and disappointments with them.
However, an artist’s version of love differs greatly from a scientist’s version. ‘In simple scientific terms, love is triggered by a combination of brain chemicals, including dopamine, oxytocin, testosterone, oestrogen and norepinephrine.’16 The neurotransmitters carry the messages of these chemical changes to the brain when we fall in love and, eventually, make us feel the way we do.
The cerebral cortex or grey matter, which is the primitive part of the brain, is overpowered by feelings produced by the hormone, dopamine. The chemical events which occur in the brain due to this hormone produce the same effect as when one is high on drugs. And this high is that crazy little thing called love.
Testosterone is the main hormone responsible for men’s sex drive and they have 10-20 times more of it than women. This chemical makes them have a stronger sex drive. On the other hand, women have around 30% more oxytocin than men which makes them like the post-coital cuddle. And as the levels of oxytocin are significantly less in men, it makes them detach themselves from their partners after sex.17 Just as a man’s judgment is threatened when he is driven by lust, a woman, too, turns blind to the signs of deception, exploitation, or abuse in a relationship due to the predominance of these hormones. Hence, when in love, the man is demented with lust and the woman is drowning in emotions.18
The Indian school of thought understands the concept of love differently. They believe that love is definitely a mysterious idea, but the mystery can be understood through the theory of karma. According to this theory, the incomprehensible pull that we feel towards a particular person, which may or may not culminate in marriage, is a force that is directed towards bringing two people together to settle their karmic debts. According to the Hindu philosophy, the experience that one goes through in love—good, bad, or ugly—is simply an energy that is responsible for settling of debts accrued in the past life.19
This also explains how two people from entirely different walks of life—geographical, social, physical, or emotional—come together by this emotion of love. It is a fascinating phenomenon!
During the initial phase of a relationship, the level of oxytocin increases in men and testosterone in women. This balance of hormones usually causes couples to believe that their love will last forever. However, certain researches show otherwise. The love chemicals recede to their original levels, and men want more sex and women yearn more for that emotional bond.20
What we call love is actually desire (kama). Desire sows the seeds of love and is the root of every husband-wife relationship. But this desire, after the initial chemical changes settle down, is dependent on individual chemical make-up. Lust may spark a relationship and cause temporary changes in the hormone levels, but it is our individual chemical make-up that sustains it. Sex drive is basically a play of hormones—testosterone and oestrogen—and they impact our libidos which vary individually.21
Often, individual variations in hormone levels can lead to a lower sex drive in a man compared to other men and a higher sex drive in a woman compared to other women. Hence, ‘Libido is a person’s desire for sexual activity.’22 A person’s sexual needs cannot be generalised according to one’s gender.
The society is uncomfortable with the idea that sex may not top the list of needs for some men, nor do they entertain the idea that it may dominate a woman’s life. And if two such men and women, who stand on either end of the spectrum, should come together, the relationship is certainly doomed! Sadly, in cultures where arranged marriages are still prevalent, like in India, there are couples who are not physically compatible and, yet, are obliged to carry on with the farce of marriage due to social pressure. The couple either compromises or cheats in such a scenario.
The chemical make-up is also responsible for sexual inadequacies. In men, it is greatly mocked upon and is a source of shame and angst. According to a man, bragging about his sexual exploits will make him masculine in the eyes of the society. Manhood, in the egotist, childlike, and immature world of men, is a source of immense pride. Although it is just how men are chemically designed. Likewise, a woman who is reproductively challenged is labelled as barren.
Many couples from such cultural backgrounds rush towards parenthood to prove that they are normal. The definition of ‘normal’, according to the society, means—free of any sexual inadequacies. The sooner they have a child, their respective social reflections would be free of any suspicions regarding their manhood or womanhood. Our individual libidos and fertility factors not only speak about our gender but our age, too.
A patriarchal mindset reeks not just of sexism but also of ageism. Societies that are dominated by religion expect men and women to take refuge in various religious discourses and activities after reaching a certain age irrespective of their desire quotient. Any deviation from this path is seen as a sacrilegious act. Although such a society is unforgiving to both older men and women for demonstrating sexual desire, it is particularly ruthless to its women.
In such a culture, older women are seen as matronly figures, and they are condemned and ridiculed for having sexual needs or desires. Such a society may overlook age transgressions from an older man, but if an older woman dates or marries a much younger man, it is viewed as a fetish or a voyeuristic sexual fantasy.
In some cultures, a relationship between a younger man and an older woman is considered to be normal, and evidences of such relationships can be traced in history. Writer Mary Ann Evans, aka George Elliot, had several young lovers. ‘Her Royal Highness, Queen of England, Elizabeth I was 48 when she was romancing Francois, the Duke of Anjou, who was 26 at the time. Catherine the Great, Empress of Russia, had a good 40 years on Prince Paton Zubov with whom she had a seven-year-long affair. Even in mythology, Greek goddess Aphrodite hooked up with Adonis, who she had actually helped raise, and, closer to home, the Hindu deity Krishna was believed to be a lot younger than Radha, the eternal love of his life.’23 And, in the present times, French Premier Emmanuel Macron and his wife Brigitte Trogneaux have certainly written history with their age gap of 25 years.
Hence, trying to slot the enigma of love according to age or gender is a futile exercise. It is beyond classification and continues to be a mysterious phenomenon.