‘I wanted out. I wanted escape. And
Bennet was the vehicle for it.’
— Erica Jong, Fear of Flying
Women are raised with the knowledge of the fact that, sooner or later, they will have to leave their parents’ house and start their own families. Since such is the way of life, a woman lives in the hope that she marries well. Depending on the limitations of her parents’ household, she hopes and wishes to be completely free of them when she gets married.
Women in the East, where their basic freedom, too, is curtailed, are often promised, rather lured, that once they get married, they will be free to do whatever they like. Hence, women view marriage as an escape route to a better life.
Although women are known to be primarily ruled by their hearts, when it comes to marriage, they are taught, sometimes forced, to be pragmatic; they take into consideration what the alliance has to offer. In most such practical arrangements, women realise, sooner or later, that their heart rarely flutters at the thought of their partner. But for all practical purposes this was a choice they had made.
Marriages based solely on practical reasons, however, are likely to turn bitter or die a slow death (divorce). When we look at marriage as an escape route, we concentrate on fulfilling what is currently lacking in our lives without realising that every pay-off has a trade-off. The pay-off sometimes outweighs the trade-off and leads to a sense of alienation that the couples experience due to stark differences in their value system.
Marriages in the Vedic times were also practical in nature. These alliances were made to either gain political power or to strengthen one’s financial position. It was forged between two parties who stood to gain either by way of fortune or power. Marriage was free of the delusion of love, not that love did not exist, but the motive was a calculated exchange.
It was clear, the princesses married the princes, the tradesmen’s sons married the daughters of other tradesmen, etc. For better or for worse, the match was an equal one. Then as the kingdoms disintegrated and monarchy was replaced by democracy, there were tales that were spun from a land that existed, tales that began with, ‘Once upon a time . . .’
These tales, in a woman’s life, have been the source of unrealistic expectations, and she is exposed to them since a very tender age. It is clearly the premise for the sense of disillusionment that she finds herself cloaked in. These fairy tales make a woman believe that a prince charming, riding a horse as white as snow, is the solution to all her problems. And one fine day, he would come along and rescue her from her banal existence to a land far and away.
She need not be a princess for the prince to marry her, she could be a Cinderella, the girl next door, but the prince would fall in love with her beauty and free her from her cruel stepmother and stepsisters (her current limitations). A woman’s heart wants to believe in the existence of a land where she rules her lover’s heart forever and enjoys the best that life has to offer, a land where the prince never falls out of love with her and, not for once, reminds her that she was a nobody before he came along. She also wants to believe that he would never reproach her for the identity she has acquired solely by the virtue of her marriage to him.
And our dear princesses-in-waiting learn the hard way that the stories they had read were not autobiographies but fairy tales from another land, a land that does not exist. Why were they not warned that these stories are just a figment of one’s imagination? Why were they ever made to read these tales that were divorced from reality? Because real-life tales of women closer to home rarely ended up in a happily ever after.
What is also almost conspiratorial is the amount of space given to the princes in these stories. The princes mostly appear at the end to rescue the damsels in distress. If one takes a deeper look, the princes in these stories hardly have any personalities or ideologies; they are just mesmerised with the beauty of the princesses and that is pretty much it!
The moral of these stories usually translates to: beauty assures a happily ever after, and a woman needs fancy costumes and cosmetics to enhance her beauty so that the prince notices her and rescues her from the inconsequential life she is currently leading.
It would be unfair to say that beauty is not rewarding. The rich guy-trophy wife scenario is quite common in society today. Unfortunately, this ‘perfect match’ comes with an expiry date. Women look for guys with resources, which is only fair, since it ensures that she and her children would be well looked after. The richer the guy, the worthier she feels. But it is naïve for a woman to assume that a match based on something as superficial and fleeting as beauty and fortune will last forever. For, with time, beauty fades and with that the prince’s attention, too.
The only way to play fair in this game of match point is to create your own identity. When we look at marriage as a solution to our problems, the very solution becomes the source of all our problems.
When one is self-sufficient, the marriage takes place not with the idea of being rescued but for companionship. To be with a person one can relate to and share their life with is the true essence of marriage. But, be it a man or a woman, one’s worth primarily stems from the factor of acquiring resources; this is the brutal truth of mankind.
The idea of women getting married solely for the access to resources and fortune has been deeply embedded into men since the beginning. However, they are wrong to think that women love them purely for their resources and the security they provide. In the Indian epics, Ramayana and Mahabharata, and the mythological tale of Nala and Damayanti, the female protagonists, Sita, Draupadi, and Damayanti, respectively, chose to follow their husbands to the forest. They were not obliged or compelled to do so but they did it voluntarily, out of love and concern for their husbands. Hence, men need to re-evaluate their assumption that money can buy them love.
Dependence is humiliating, regardless of how beautiful one is. Most men show no consideration to the fact that a woman risks her life to bring their children into this world. She has to constantly live in the fear that, one day, he may outgrow his need of her and shut the door on her despite her sacrifices.
Although the law is on her side, there are communities where women are still unceremoniously shown the exit. Even the compensations offered to women are not decent enough. This often makes women opt to stay in an abusive or loveless relationship; it is the price of survival, especially when her children’s future is at stake.
Devoid of self-respect, the women who depended on marriage as a solution are left embittered. The moral they learn from their story is: educate the daughter, don’t just doll her up. And as far as fairy tales are concerned, let us write a modern version of it.