‘Emma found again in adultery all the
platitudes of marriage.’
— Gustave Flaubert, Madame Bovary
Marriage is often referred to as settling down. We reach this settlement in our own unique way. Once married, we are full of hope and joy. But the happiness and contentment that one finds in this communion is becoming a rare phenomenon.
Although every individual enters this institution with different expectations, we cannot deny that everyone hopes for a partner who can satiate their desires and show them the stars in bed. These expectations, at times far-fetched, that we have from our marriage and spouse are stemmed from the environment we live in.
However, what we assimilate from our environment is subjective in nature. In the name of love, marriage, and sex, we are fed unrealistic and exaggerated beliefs. As men and women, it gets our imagination rolling, and we begin to anticipate a picture-perfect life as we enter the institution of marriage.
Men look for a woman with peerless beauty, pristine character, and who is interested in trying different things in bed. Since men are more practical in their approach to marriage, they mostly settle down for a virtuous woman who can take care of them and their household. However, despite the absence of the qualities that men want in a woman, they are not as disillusioned by the idea of marriage as their female counterparts. For them, women are easily interchangeable. What men really care about in a woman is her sound character and the services she can provide.
If the sexual service does not match his expectations, he tries to make up for it outside of marriage. It is neither difficult to access these services nor are they harshly judged for doing so.
As for the women, their expectations are unrealistic to begin with. They need security and emotional nourishment in equal parts. Since a woman needs constant validation to feel emotionally nourished, her husband’s lack of attention creates a void in her soul. The absence of this vital ingredient of romance is the source of many woes in a woman’s marital life. For a woman, sex is not a driving force in a relationship, it is romance.
Her husband’s indifference towards her suffering further aggravates her woes. She feels furious by his egoistic assumption that he is providing her with a decent, if not a luxurious, life and that she is happy in his banal company. Human nature is inbuilt with a sense of discontentment and has a propensity to focus on what is lacking. Since women usually grow up fantasising about their perfect partner and a luxurious life, they imagine love to thrive only in perfect conditions.
They expect to be surrounded by the luxuries with their witty and handsome husband who is busy regaling them with charming conversations. Women often confuse expensive gifts and flowers with love and the elegance of smooth talk and delicacy of manners with the strength of character. For a woman, the delights of the heart lie in constant proof of being loved and desired; she feels that her existence is validated through gifts and exaggerated confessions of love.
In comparison to these exalted qualities that she seeks in her spouse, her husband appears to be dull and mediocre. His presence in her life is a constant reminder of her incomplete and unhappy life which leaves her hanging in a state of despair. Impelled by the boredom in her life, she resorts to material delights as a means to distract herself and compensate for the lack of emotional intimacy from her spouse.
But the more she tries to dismiss the tumult of passion seething in her, the more it gets ignited. She is convinced that there must exist a passionate man, somewhere on this earth, who will cherish her and complete her, a man who will fill her world with all that she deserves and is worthy of.
She begins to resent the services and the sense of contentment that her husband draws from her presence in his life. She is disgusted by his inadequate intellect and wealth, and all her bitterness is concentrated on her husband. Her morose existence, his lacklustre personality, and, above all, his utmost indifference to her anguish pushes her to take a lover.
The very thought of taking a lover, who will take care of her the way she deserves, brings cheer to her being. Surely, she deserves another chance at love, and she anticipates her lover’s arrival with fervour. She feels that she is entitled to the same passion and ecstasy that women in the movies and fairy tales experience.
After placating her conscience with valid justifications, she dumps the pretence of her sterile virtue and sets forth to realise the love dream without any remorse or guilt.
The lover brings with him all the exuberance and excitement she had anticipated and lacked previously. She finds herself getting intoxicated by the spell of his charm and pleasant compliments . . . she finds herself over the moon! All she can think about is their next rendezvous. She enjoys the sensuality of her pent-up passion as it bursts in the embrace of her lover. She revels in the evil ironies of triumphant adultery and almost repents her past virtue of fidelity as a crime.
But she refuses to settle for exuberance alone; she wants stability, too. In conclusion, she wants the lover in her life forever so that she can finally have a fairy-tale ending. Although the novelty of the experience, after a point, starts to wane and monotony kicks in, she clings to the affair as though her life depends on it.
Much to her dismay, she notices distinct changes in her lover’s ways, and she cannot come to terms with the fact that her lover has transformed from being gentle and passionate to indifferent and dominating.
Some of these lovers that women take are well acquainted to the game of passion; they are experienced hunters on the prowl. Their acts of enticing women are well rehearsed, and they function like well-oiled machines. Once the object of their lust has fallen into the trap, they drop all their pretences; they resume the hunt for a new prey once they have had their fill of passion.
On the other hand, the woman is so into her lover that she cannot even fathom her existence without him. The chemical changes that are induced by love are real. Women naturally have 30% more oxytocin, and this, combined with lower levels of serotonin, can explain why women are more inclined to become ‘crazy’ about someone and even intensely obsessive.35 Once her lover vanishes from her life, she realises his game plan and how she was nothing more than a conquest for him, just another plaything. She feels depressed and her existence becomes glum once again.
Most of the times, such clandestine affairs become the perfect breeding ground for crimes of passion. The affair turns into a game of blackmail, especially in today’s day and age where spreading rumours on the Internet is quite easy. The men use the advanced technology to carry on with the sexual exploitation of the desperate housewives much after the woman has regained her senses and can finally see his true colours.
Strangely, not all women learn from this experience of betrayal and humiliation. Some regret giving in to their adulterous desires while some continue their search of finding a dream lover.
The sobered and chastised women shed the illusion of love and get a grip on their fluttering hearts; they decide to lean on something more solid than love—reality! But is reality something to aspire to? Is love really just an illusion fabricated by our mind for the sake of our heart?