Our interactions with others influence everyone’s quality of life. This chapter is probably the most significant in terms of peoplecare, because communication is the key to relationships. It is the bridge between two people, the glue that holds marriages together and allows groups and families to function. Our social well-being relies on good communication. Words can be medicine or poison for our relationships, building rapport or destroying trust.
Central to communication is our ability to listen. This part is called ‘hearing each other’ because listening is the foundation for healthy interactions; from this we create fruitful, sustainable relationships. Listening shows respect and allows us to be in touch with the other person’s feelings and thoughts. Truly listening to people is a gift and deeply nurturing. We can bring our self-knowledge, awareness and development into our relationships to make them more rewarding.
We begin with observation and then think about the limits for communication. Next we think about assertive and compassionate communication. We reflect briefly on distant communication. We move on to giving and receiving feedback, what conflict is and how to restore peace.
Principles are used to bring a permaculture perspective to our interactions. The themes in this chapter are applicable to the next two chapters of one-to-one relationships and groups.
Unless we have some training with our vocation most of us aren’t overtly shown how to observe other people. It is something that we learn implicitly throughout our lives. Hence we mostly do it on an intuitive or subconscious level. Perhaps we have an altercation with a friend and later we find out they were feeling unwell, we might think to ourselves, ‘they didn’t seem quite themselves’ or ‘I thought something was wrong’. But at the time we might not have been registering those observations and we didn’t check in with them or change what we were doing. Improving our observation of people around us will require becoming more conscious and reconnecting with those instinctual processes. This will allow us to interact more with our observations, becoming more mindful of our interrelations.
When we observe other people we can use all of our senses. What words and tone of voice are we hearing? What are we seeing in their body language, their posture, gestures? What are we feeling?
A scan of our body language can provide us with insights into our own feelings and those of the other person. We can ask these questions first of ourselves and then widen our awareness to the body language of the other person. Listening to your whole body with your whole body.
Our existing emotional state will impact on what we hear as well as the responses to any feelings as we are talking. If we are tired, angry, worried or afraid we might miss some of the message, or it could get blown out of proportion. Likewise, the other person’s emotional state will be influencing what is happening for them as well, so we can be observant of what their body language is revealing about their emotions.
How people are reacting to us can also be a mirror of ourselves. Does this show me to be the person I want to be?
We will be interpreting the non-verbal communication, the body posture, facial expressions and gestures. Other visual cues such as clothes and hairstyles will also have subtle influences on our filters. Our ears will be tuning in to the tone of voice, pitch and volume as well as the words. We will be continually responding to our internal feelings, although mostly subconsciously.
Any observations are interpreted by our own minds and we make assumptions based on our previous experiences that may not be true. We are guessing what is going on for them internally, based on how we externally express our inner worlds. The words we use express our emotions and our cultural beliefs, but someone else may have a different way of expressing the same things. Likewise the same external behaviours may be used to express entirely different emotions. The most complex challenge of observation is our subjective interpretations.
The phrases people use may indicate self-limiting beliefs about the world or themselves. The use of incisive questions that we used in shifting self-limiting beliefs are appropriate to ask of others, such as ‘What do you really want? If we put that limit aside what could happen?’ Initially, we may want to just become practised at noticing beliefs as they arise rather than trying to challenge them.
Our observations give us hints about the person’s current needs. Perhaps we notice that our friend is rubbing her back while talking; we could suggest that we sit down and continue the conversation. Giving time to observe before jumping in allows time for tact and appropriateness. Maybe we notice that someone is looking exhausted as we are about to ask them to do something, so we could alter our course of action.
We can check with the other person by simple questioning. ‘Am I correct in thinking/hearing…?’, ‘Do you need…?’
The next level is to be able to observe ourselves and someone else simultaneously. We will resonate with their emotional state on some level and we can observe inside ourselves and how we are feeling, to give us clues as to what is going on for them as well as providing insights into our own inner world.
We can build up a long-term picture of our family and friends; how they are in different situations, with other people and at varied times of day. We could use the biotime diary to plot our interactions. For instance we could plot the times we have positive nurturing encounters with our partner and when we have arguments. This might provide enlightening insights into other contributing factors. Another challenge is knowing what is coming from them and what is coming from us, and what is occurring from the alchemy of the two. Recording our observations might be able to shed some light on this.
We can observe any spirals of erosion or abundance; what events precede arguments? What positive spin-offs are there from spending time together?
Jodie Tellam teaches permaculture on allotments to young people who have been or are on the edge of being excluded from school. Permaculture has helped her to focus on the positives in life and she has taken this through to her observation of others; it has given her a ‘look to like’ attitude. This is of particular value in her work where the young people are lacking in self-esteem and are more used to people finding fault with them. With each person she observes them with the aim of finding their positive attributes. From this she is able to home in on strengths and find ways of enhancing them.
The ‘look to like’ attitude is about where we focus our attention, changing our perceptions and finding the plus points. How we look at people will determine what we see: if we are looking at them wanting to find something we like, or something to connect with, we are likely to find something. It doesn’t mean that we have to be blind to someone’s faults and weaknesses. It is important to balance ‘looking to like’ with an awareness of our own first impressions and instincts. We don’t need to open ourselves up and trust someone too early if that doesn’t feel right. It’s also key to take proportional risks and observe over time.
What are we trying to achieve with our communication? Are we trying to connect, persuade, instruct, inform? Is it for our benefit or theirs? Do we just need to be heard, to think our thoughts out loud? There are countless reasons we communicate with our fellow beings. It is essential in our lives to have social contact, and yet there are times when our communication results in much anguish, upset and misunderstandings.
With effective communication we are clear on what and why we are communicating and so is the receiver. Often though, we are just on automatic pilot when we talk, not really thinking about why we are engaging in conversation, and the receiver misses the point.
A lot of energy is lost in our communications. We spend time communicating and instead of enhancing our relationships it can antagonise the other person. Messages get distorted and misunderstandings lead to arguments, frustration and emotionally shutting off.
Part of the issue lies in how we send the messages and the other is how we receive information. Our messages begin as thoughts and images in our heads, they then have to pass through our perceptual filters to become words. When they reach someone else’s filters they get interpreted into thoughts and images in their minds. The filters can distort or trap parts of the message. Our conversations are like waves travelling between two shores: we think the wave arrives the same as it left but often it has either grown or diminished by the time it reaches the other side.
Let’s examine what happens with these filters:
With all of that going on at any given time it is hardly surprising that what we say may not be received as we meant it. We can get caught in a spiral of erosion where we are not feeling heard so we repeat ourselves louder, which provokes more of the filters in the listener, so less of the message is heard, and so on. How can we tighten up with our communication so that it is of more use in whatever we are trying to achieve?
When we communicate openly and honestly we can move forward in our understanding. Communicating from the heart allows us to express what we wish and to hear what the other person needs to say. Trust and willingness are the foundations to effective communication.
What we want is communication where people take time to understand our opinion and why it matters to us, to bridge the differences and come to mutual understanding, through acknowledgement and positive body language. We can enjoy someone reflecting back what we have said, showing that they have listened and are ensuring clarity by checking their understanding. When there is flow in communication and we can both be fully present there is peace and relaxation and we can be calm and grounded. When we feel received and receiving there is reciprocal appreciation and times of connection.
We learn to communicate from mimicking those around us – our parents, teachers and peers as well as the media – rather than being explicitly instructed. We are conditioned by our cultures in when to talk, how much to say, what to converse about, our body language, how quickly to talk and how much to listen. We haven’t necessarily had good examples of communication that is effective and compassionate, that allows us to problem solve together and nurtures our relationships. We could be much more effective in communication if we relearn patterns that facilitate ways of forming meaningful, constructive relationships.
After a while you will begin to see not only when you are listening through filters but also when the person you are talking to is doing the same. It is easier to work with your own filters to begin with and question your own reactions. Becoming more mindful of how we speak as well as how we listen helps with compassionate communication.
We all have some filters to enable us to make sense of the message otherwise it would be like listening to a foreign language on the radio. We could think about replacing these filters with permaculture filters, such as abundance thinking, and looking to like in both the person and the message. We can take self-responsibility for what we say and use ‘I statements’ to own the message.
Closed questions are ones that only have a limited range of answers; usually they can be answered in one word, ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘maybe’. They tend to be leading – ‘do you like this film?’ An open-ended question which allows the person to think more for themselves and give an honest, in-depth answer would be – ‘what do you think of this film?’ The self-enquiry questions in this book are open ended to encourage exploration.
In a sense any and all of the principles could be used as filters and guidance for our listening and the language we use. Here are a few examples:
Value diversity. Accept that their message may not fit with our map of the world but that doesn’t make it any less valid. Just like in the story of the blind men and the elephant, they are presenting a different perspective.
Observe and interact: Expand our observation and listening skills. Consciously watch body language, and observe our reactions; including observation of our own filters and when they are coming into play.
Find the edge of understanding. Where do we agree?
Integrate rather than segregate. ‘Yes, and’ rather than ‘yes, but’; ‘both and’ rather than ‘either/or’.
Let’s look a bit deeper into the emotional barriers that may limit our communication. Our emotions very much influence what we say, how we say it and why we say it. This may come across as aggressive, passive or assertive.
The word assertive has negative connotations for some people. They can think of it as synonymous with aggressive behaviour, being pushy and forceful to get what you want. In these pages I will reclaim the word, to see it as the balance point between being aggressive and passive; a place we can be in to meet our own needs without compromising the needs of others.
Aggressive body language can take the form of finger pointing, leaning forward, shouting, trying to look bigger and looking down on the other person. Words can include insults, subtle put downs and inappropriate humour.
Someone may be displaying aggression because they are feeling insecure, wanting to protect someone; they may be overwhelmed, stressed or having a bad day. Fear, pride or anxiety may be underlying their behaviour.
In the short term aggressive people have a chance to vent their anger, feel powerful, and may get the outcome they desire. But they may also experience stress, physical tension and guilt. In the long term they can become alienated and there may be a breakdown in their relationships. There is likely to be a lack of trust. If a solution is reached through one person being aggressive then it is possible that the other person doesn’t take ownership of it. If they only agree because of the aggression they may later avoid taking action on the agreement.
Passive people on the other hand may be quiet, shying away from eye contact. They may ignore or run away from the conversation, change the subject or shrink into a corner and appear small and weak.
They may be acting this way from feelings of hopelessness, boredom, lack of respect for themselves or the other person. They may just want an easy life, to avoid conflict and to not upset anyone. Their lack of self-esteem may prevent them from saying what they want to say and they might internalise their thoughts.
In the immediate moment this allows them to feel safe and avoids conflict, but it can set precedents for the future, encouraging the other person to be more dominant. In the longer term the passive person can become resentful, guilty and deeply angry. Squashing the emotions at the time just defers the emotion and can lead to sudden explosions at unexpected moments with unconnected events and people. This is recognisable as the classic ‘passive–aggressive’ swing. They may just agree for a quiet life and take too much on and then not actually do anything that they were meant to, feeling either guilty and anxious or more resentful and angry.
Aggressive people are looking to get their way regardless of the cost to the other person. They can end up with win/lose arrangements – where they win and the other person loses. Passive people will forsake their needs for the sake of peace and allow the other person to get what they need, resulting in lose/win situations.
The assertive person will take the time to try and find a solution where everyone’s needs are met. It is about finding the way to integrate ideas and come to a common understanding. In contrast to the forward approach of the aggressor or the shrinking back of the passive person, we can think of the assertive person as having an upright vertical spine. Communication is much more two way with questioning and listening, accepting feedback and the conscious use of positive language. The body language suggests strength rather than aggression, with open chest and shoulders back.
The assertive person is placing equal value on taking care of themselves and caring about their relationships. They are coming from a place of maturity and perspective with an awareness of the bigger picture.
At the time negotiations may take longer, it may take courage to stand in the fire and stay with the process to find solutions. The solutions that are reached will be more sustainable and develop trusting relationships. This builds assertiveness in others, and increases feelings of acceptance and self worth for both parties.
We can see this pattern of aggressive and passive behaviour in society around issues of injustices and environmental destruction. There are those that get up and fight about it, and those who want to put their head in the sand and pretend it’s not happening. When we fight and win an argument, the battle just continues and there is always a new issue to protest against. When we bury our heads, we are giving the message that it’s OK for this to happen and more of it goes on. Finding this middle ground of assertiveness is essential to finding long-term solutions to these issues and preventing them from popping up again.
The concept of win/win has been useful to gain an understanding of how to meet the needs of two individuals or organisations. However it has an implicit assumption that needs considering. I win – you win is still thinking in terms of me and you, us and them. It is seeing you and me as separate. It also has the tendency to dissolve into compromise where in fact neither party win and we have lose/lose, or to think of win/win as fine as long as I win a bit more than you. Moving away from personal attachments to winning, Clinton Callahan has conceived the term ‘winning happening’, where everyone is happy and benefiting, where winning is an active verb and current for all people.
Permaculture design is a way of engaging with the situation to create winning happening for the whole system.
Marshall Rosenberg invented the process of Nonviolent Communication (NVC).1 While he was growing up he had opposing experiences, one of his uncle caring for his ill grandmother on the one hand and on the other boys picking fights with him on the street. He wondered why some people were able to show deep compassion for their fellow people while others were violent.
His journey to answer this question took him to many places and he realised that language was key. The word non-violence is translated from the Sanskrit word ahimsa, its meanings include reverence. Gandhi used ahimsa to emphasise his approach to the revolution for independence in India. It is referred to here as compassionate communication because of its benefits in accessing compassion for ourselves as well as others. NVC is a method for creating winning happening without being aggressive or passive.
Rosenberg named the jackal and the giraffe to show the different ways we have of responding. The jackal is really just a giraffe with a communication problem. We can use jackal language to ourselves and to the other person. There can be different parts of us chattering away at any time. While on the surface we remain calm we might be berating ourselves internally.
The giraffe too can speak internally or externally. The giraffe uses its wider perspective to see beyond the thoughts to the feelings and then even one step further to the needs behind this. Compassion with others comes more easily when we have been compassionate with ourselves first. When the giraffe talks to others it can empathise with their feelings, and connect with what their needs might be.
| Jackal language | Giraffe language |
|---|---|
| Demands – making threats so you do as I want | Requests – it’s OK to hear a ‘no’, and connecting with what I am saying ‘yes’ to |
| Judgement – what happened is good or bad, right or wrong | Observation – what actually happened or was said, without interpreting it with assumptions |
| No choice – there is only one way to respond, can’t, have to, must | Finding choices and alternatives |
| Blame – finding fault | Taking responsibility |
| Imposing my judgement – should, ought to do next | Offering information about how I am feeling and what I am needing |
| Deserve – rewards and punishment. ‘I deserve this…’ | Expressing what need or value wasn’t met and what you would value. |
| Labelling – I am, you are, they are | Discussing the behaviour or action (based on the observation) separate from the person |
With compassionate communication we are making a choice and acting with intention to nurture the communication that we do enjoy, and supporting ourselves to come from this place by acknowledging our own needs. We can hold ourselves and keep our heart open to the other person.
There is a formula for how we express ourselves from a place of compassion, using giraffe language. We come from a place of connection to ourselves and create the space for connection with the other person.
The observation of what has happened is like a camera. It is without judgement or assumptions. When a cup of coffee goes over on the rug, the observation is ‘there is coffee on the rug’. It would be an assumption to say it was an accident, or the other person was careless. We often jump to conclusions about why something has happened and our thoughts and feelings are based on the assumptions rather than the observation.
The other important thing to do with observations is to take out the ‘you did…’ This can make the other person immediately defensive, and they can lose the rest of the message. Using ‘I’ statements allows us to take ownership of what we are saying and acknowledge that it is through our subjective perspective that we are talking. Instead of saying ‘you leave the washing up’, we say ‘when I see the washing up left…’
When something happens our minds immediately fill with thoughts. These thoughts could guide us to our feelings and needs or they could cloud them. If we manage to see beyond our thoughts to our feelings we are then one step closer to our living energy of needs. When we are fully present with our own living energy of needs we can see what is missing – why the jackal is barking.
Instead of acting from the lack of this need, we can change it to positive phrasing, ‘I am open to receiving…’ The awareness of this need can lead us to then make choices about how to meet the need. Perhaps we can meet the need for ourselves or with someone else. Perhaps your partner is tired when they come home from work and your need is to connect with them, but their need is for quiet and they don’t want to talk. If these needs are recognised then it is possible to find another way to connect with each other and have quiet with a back rub or a hug. NVC works towards finding ways of meeting the needs of both parties, never raising one person’s needs over another. It is coming from the place of abundance aiming for both/and, rather than either/or.
When this connection is opened and we are connected to the need the options reveal themselves. When presenting the option to the other person we can do so as a request, knowing that it has to be right for them as well as you for it to work. Requests may be for actions to be taken or different strategies to be adopted. Before making the request check in with yourself that it is OK to hear a ‘no’. It might be disappointing or even painful to hear a ‘no’ but if we are unable to accept a ‘no’ then it is actually a demand we are making.
We can also make requests to ourselves. This might be simply requesting ourselves to just be or to take some time out. We can acknowledge to ourselves that it is challenging.
A word of caution: initially this method could be used with jackal undertones or motivations; used to try to get our own ways. People have said they don’t like being ‘NVC-ed’, and feel manipulated by the process. A friend, Kate, was in a discussion group and afterwards another person used this method to give her some uninvited feedback. She had been noting down each time Kate spoke during the discussion. She was trying to use an objective observation but her motives were coming from the place of the jackal not the giraffe, and Kate said that she couldn’t take anything else in after she heard this. Before we even start to speak we need to take a moment to connect with ourselves and ensure that we are coming from the heart.
This process can seem quite clunky and formulaic at first, and like anything takes practice to become smooth and flowing. When we first approach NVC we go through the stages of the competence cycle and can feel all of those differing emotions.
There is one very key skill at the heart of any successful communication – listening.
Listening can make all the difference between a nurturing, productive, stimulating relationship and one fraught with difficulties. After looking at the filters to communication we can see how challenging it is, when we properly listen we try to dissolve these filters.
Our cultural understanding of conversations is for me to say my bit then you have a chance to say your bit, and then it’s my turn again and on we go. In most circumstances this works OK. However, this style of conversation doesn’t necessarily give us much scope for either improving listening skills or for exploring the depths of our thoughts.
When we are in the flow of our thoughts and someone asks us a question, well meaning as it might be, it can take us off in a different direction. Imagine their words are taking them to a destination unknown to you and your question may be taking them off at a right angle.
‘Think and listens’ or interruption-free space is one of the most versatile and useful tools in our peoplecare toolbox. In pairs you take turns for a given period of time to be the listener or the thinker – thinking your thoughts out loud. It is interruption-free space; the listener is active in listening and does not ask any questions, make any comments or prompt at all. The thinker may come to a point of having expressed the immediate surface thoughts and become silent; this is normally the point at which we jump to fill the gap with a question. However, when given the time the thinker can drop down into deeper thoughts without being guided in a particular direction by a question.
This technique encourages us to develop skills that we can bring into our everyday listening style. We develop patience in maintaining connection with the person talking and allowing them to say their all. It can involve putting our own agendas aside and keeping our thoughts as well as our ears with the talker and listening with our whole body. Like when we are meditating, our thoughts may jump around and we need to consciously bring them back to the talker.
It is familiar in meetings or conversations to be so busy rehearsing what to say that we miss that someone has just made the same point. Often people argue and don’t hear that they are actually agreeing with each other. In order to be able to keep our thoughts with the other person we need to trust ourselves to be spontaneous with our speech. We can be confident words will flow as they are meant to when we speak from the heart. If we know we are going to be listened to with patience we can pace ourselves and give ourselves time to find the right words as we speak.
Listening is multifaceted, more than just words; the body language, breathing, posture, underlying emotions and context of what is being said can all be attended to. When we open our ears and minds to truly listening we become more observant. We are able to listen between the lines; what words are used and what is not being said? Deep listening involves all of our senses.
Listening is an important way in which we can support and nurture our friends and family. It is within us to find solutions to our problems, and sometimes the best help we can have is the time and space to piece together the answers for ourselves. Within groups listening shows valuing of everyone’s contribution and cultivates respect.
We may assume that we are capable of listening, but when we take time to properly listen we may become aware of how little we did it before. It can be like entering stage two of the competence cycle, where we suddenly realise how much more there is to know. This is a positive step in becoming a more active listener. We may also become acutely sensitive to not being listened to ourselves. This is not to be taken personally, we have to remember that most of us are not taught how to listen and we follow cultural norms. Transforming how we listen can start to shift the cultural patterns of listening, initially with those closest to us, and this can ripple out.
There are abundant opportunities for us to practise our listening. It is a gift to hear someone’s inner world and an honour that people want to share it with us.
Offer a friend or family member some interruption-free time to talk. You may like to ask for an exchange of time and swap over or just offer your listening as a gift. This could be between two and five minutes, even up to ten if you both want. It is good to agree the time beforehand so that if they reach a point of silence you don’t jump into the gap but allow them the space to go further. It could be just that you offer them time to talk about the film you have just seen together, their day, or holiday plans, or they may want free range, whatever feels right for the moment.
When you have finished you can ask them how it was for them to be listened to. Some people can find it a challenge to talk in this way at first; they may be surprised at what they say when given the chance. Reflect in your journal how it was to just listen, and if you were listened to what that felt like.
When we are not face to face with someone either professionally or socially we have a different set of challenges and opportunities. We will do a short PMI (Positives, Minuses and Interestings) for emails to start us thinking about their different qualities. This will lead us to a simple tip to ensure that we maintain our peoplecare.
With the PMI there may be some qualities that could be viewed as a positive or a minus depending on your perspective. For example you may think it is positive to be able to receive emails any time of the day, or you may think that there is no escape and this is a disadvantage.
From the PMI we could then think of a way of bringing more peoplecare into our email communication both for ourselves and other people. This may be around waiting before replying to an email that you find irritating. It could be to do with the time of day that you read and respond to them.
Do your own PMI for whatever forms of communication you use frequently; letters, phone calls, internet social networking, online forums or teleconferences.
From this think of two tips that you could apply to help with peoplecare; one for yourself and one for other people.
For example, you may want to monitor the time you spend on the computer. And for other people you may want to check in with them about whether it is a good time to talk on the phone when you ring.
Often we are trying to communicate feedback to other people. Feedback can take many different forms from uninvited criticisms to marking of our essays at school, from body language to direct compliments. We are brought up with feedback, both informal remarks from our family and friends to more structured advice from our teachers. The feedback we receive can contribute to our belief systems about ourselves, particularly if the feedback was about us as a person rather than our behaviour. We regularly give feedback and it is important for us to remember that the opinions we give to those around us influence how they feel and think about themselves. Feedback is a big part of our lives whether we are conscious about it or not. Becoming more mindful about it will help to make it valuable.
In our bodies we have mechanisms of feedback that regulate everything from our temperature and blood sugar levels to the pH of our blood.
There are four main steps to our body’s feedback mechanisms:
There are two types of feedback: self-regulating and self-amplifying.
Self-regulating feedback is when there is a reference point (or a ‘normal’ or ‘baseline’) and the receptor monitors deviations from that reference point, the processing centre then sets the effector into action to bring about change to bring the system back to its reference point. This feedback seeks to stabilise the situation, hence it is also known as balancing. Central heating systems in our home work on this basis. We set the thermostat to a certain temperature; when the temperature drops, the boiler is fired up and we get more heat until the thermostat receptor registers that the temperature is reached then, the boiler switches off.
Self-amplifying feedback is used to intensify the situation, and is also known as reinforcing. The more we do something > the more something else happens à the more we do something. You will recognise this as a spiral of erosion or abundance.
How does this relate to giving and receiving feedback to each other? We firstly have the system – the person or action that is being regulated is the receiver. The receptor is the giver of the feedback. Next we have our processing centre – our minds, where the feedback is processed. Finally we can put the feedback into effect and modify our behaviour.
We often pick up on the behaviour of others and offer them suggestions, advice or criticisms. As givers we can firstly be aware of what the system is that we are giving feedback on. It is then clearer to offer feedback on this and not make generalisations into other areas. For example, if we want to offer our children feedback on their table manners we can stick to that and not bring in their school marks, which just confuses the message. The giver will have their own calibrations for their opinions, based on their filters, experiences, desires and cultural norms. Some of these will be consistent; others can vary with moods and other factors such as time of day. These will influence the behaviour that we notice. Sometimes we will let actions pass us by, other times we mention them.
As a giver we need to examine our motives; why are we giving it and what changes would we like to occur? This will determine what and how to give. Do we want to encourage, correct, show blind spots, express gratitude, motivate or criticise? Self-regulating feedback is trying to stabilise and return the system to the reference point. Everyone has their own subjective reference points. These points are often set by our parents’ feedback and hence we find ourselves repeating their phrases when our children deviate from these reference points. We can be trying to return a system to our reference point rather than its own. Therein lies one of the biggest challenges with feedback; that feedback is not acted upon because it does not correspond with the receiver’s reference points.
Timing is crucial in giving feedback; what could be taken on board at one time might blow up in your face another time. Trying to assess where the person is at before beginning to give feedback can help determine whether they are open to it or not. We can explicitly ask this with formal feedback: ‘Are you open to hearing some feedback?’ It is empowering for the receiver to have the choice. Equally though, if we leave it too long after the event, it can feel like we are holding a grudge and the time for intervention may have passed.
Reinforcing feedback aims to increase the activity. If we like something and want more of it, then we give feedback. This feedback is focused on appreciation, approval and gratitude. When we admire the conduct we want, we are implicitly asking to enhance it. Appreciation can be more motivating than criticism. Nancy Kline3 recommends aiming for a ratio of 10:1 of appreciation to criticism.
A useful phrase for promoting development is ‘even better if…’ It allows for improvement next time without squashing confidence or denying effort made. “I appreciate … it would be even better if next time…”
When we receive feedback there are three steps: we have to process the information, decide what to do about it, and then we have to put it into action.
The first step of processing the information depends on our own filters and moods at the time; they have the ability to distort or delete parts of the message.
One of our communication filters will be evaluating the source. If we know the person’s reference points and are in agreement with them we are more likely to heed the feedback. If we are apprenticing with someone we respect, and aspire to behave more like them, their words will have an impact on us. We are more likely to respond to feedback if we can see there is congruency between what the person is saying and their own actions.
As well as receiving external feedback we have our own receptors that are monitoring proceedings. Our minds co-ordinate all of this incoming information. Before we give feedback we can begin by asking how it went for them. This allows us to gauge their emotional state before launching in, and saves us having to repeat something they already know. As a receiver we can tune into whether we are receptive at the moment.
Feedback sometimes bothers us. It could be because of the process by which it was given or the content or the changes that might have to happen as a result of it. How and when feedback is given can have as much of an impact as what is said. If we feel it was inappropriately timed, in front of other people or said in an offensive tone of voice, it can cause us to not actually hear the message itself. Letting go of the circumstances and focusing on the message can help us to move forward and allows us to self-regulate.
If we want to avoid this information swirling around our heads, we need to move to the next step and find an action or a way to improve and take it forward into something achievable and meaningful. If it is not used in some way or discarded it can become pollution in our minds.
When feedback is given that is wildly different from our own reference points it can be too much for us to process in one go. We can remember to find small and slow solutions and design achievable steps for ourselves.
It is a well-known phenomenon for children to increase their ‘bad’ behaviour if they get attention for it. Instead of the attention they get bringing the behaviour back in line, as it would for a balancing feedback loop, it actually acts as reinforcing feedback and reinforces the behaviour. You say ‘stop doing that’, and they think, ‘great – I’m getting a reaction; I’ll do this more’. To correct this you can shift the system you are regulating from their bad behaviour onto their good behaviour. This also stems back to an understanding of their living energy of needs and tuning into what they may need in the moment. If they need attention and connection with you then they will look to reinforce behaviours that meet this need even if it is in an unhelpful way.
Another issue with giving feedback is when we want to disagree or justify our actions, ‘I would have done that but I didn’t have time’, or such like. Receiving and responding can put us on the defensive. It can lead to ping ponging back and forth and can descend into an argument. It helps to bring in our listening skills and hear the whole message without interrupting. We can do our own processing on the information ourselves later, and remember that what they are presenting is their subjective experience. For the receiver to be allowed to have the last word is empowering. ‘Do you have any last thoughts you would like to add?’ We can later sort out the wheat from the chaff and find the kernel of truth in the messages.
Feedback is sometimes disguised in anonymous gossip, group emails or broad comments about ‘people in general’. Our minds can play with these comments and associate ourselves with them, or blow them out of proportion.
Sometimes we ask for feedback when actually we just want some praise and appreciation for our efforts. Equally frustrating is when we are looking for ways to improve and only get ‘it’s fine’. We need to be clear and specific about what we want when we ask for feedback.
Feedback enables us to learn more quickly. We can use it to improve our own well-being. Creating a feedback culture can be used to improve our relationships and functioning of groups. It is also part of creating momentum towards the Great Turning. Informal and formal feedbacks are part of the reflection anchor point and can keep us on track with our design.
There are four main reasons for giving feedback that we can keep in mind:
Conflict can arise from feedback given in the form of insults, criticism and complaining. Conflict ranges from minor discords to long-term battles, from our own inner conflicts to world wars. The harm it causes to all systems is immense and if we are to move to an Earth culture we need to find ways to avoid and deal with it.
With our family and social groups the symptoms of conflict can range from feelings of disquiet and unease, to bickering, to full-blown arguments and violence. Daily niggles, sulking, sarcasm and put-downs all cause tension. Conflict can drain our energy, destroy our relationships, create mistrust in the world, and ultimately wars devastate the life-support systems on the planet.
A large proportion of the entertainment industry is based on conflict. It is the drama that brings the story to life and makes it interesting and unpredictable. Films and books accentuate these parts of stories, distorting the views we have about the world. We don’t get to see the three months of peaceful family dinners, we just get to see the one big blow out. This tendency can then be carried into our own lives where we place disproportionate emphasis on times of conflict rather than times of peace.
Signs of conflict are like the jackal barking at us to let us know that something isn’t right. They call for steps to be taken and change to happen. They tell us when our needs aren’t being met or our ethics and principles are being compromised. When we ignore these signs they get louder and louder. Conflict can provide a release of tension and allow the unsayable to be said. Clashes can at times provide a deeper understanding of each other and the situation. Conflict can be a catalyst for growth and change, or leave us upset and afraid to talk about something. What other ways are there to fulfil those positive functions without all of the negative impacts that usually accompany arguments? Discord is a natural phenomenon and we need to learn to manage and utilise it so that the ethics of peoplecare, fair shares and earthcare are not compromised.
Conflicts arise from misunderstandings, greed, fear and jealousy, when we come from a place of ego (I, me, mine) rather than seeing the bigger picture. Competition and the need to protect something can lead to bigger conflicts. The jackal speaks when we have unmet needs. This is especially true when we perceive someone else to be stopping us meeting our needs, or that our needs and theirs are incompatible.
Some conflicts arise from our cultural conditioning; we have inherited a scarcity mindset and its associated beliefs of ‘us and them’. We inherit more specific likes and dislikes as well, of people and situations.
Some conflicts arise from us wanting change; we give feedback to provoke people to shift to our own reference points. This sometimes has the opposite effect of entrenching people more in the way they are. We all believe our reference points to be the right ones, but someone else’s can be just as valid. We have different maps of the world that guide us in our interpretations of events.
Our brain recognises patterns and will interpret stimulus according to what has happened before in our lives. We were played a piece of classical music on our NVC course, and afterwards we were asked for our feelings. These ranged from joy and freedom by being reminded of trips to the ballet to the other extreme of frustration and anger from memories of being told to mime at the back at a school concert. We were all given the same stimulus but it provoked different emotions and feelings based on previous experiences. Our feelings of previous experiences and associations with different people influence and sometimes predominate our reactions to what is happening in the moment. We are not always upset for the reason we think we are, or from the current experience or stimulus.
When we project the past onto the future we can lose effectiveness in dealing with the present challenge.
There are patterns that are replicated time and again in arguments:
Preventing conflict saves us time and energy. When we argue we have to deal with the effects of this as well as the issue itself. We can avoid the unpleasant side effects of loss of self-esteem, mistrust and depression that can accompany the conflict by acting in time to deal with arising issues.
Can we spot the warning signs? And if we do see it coming, how can we interact with the observation and deflect it, or move out of its way? Can we observe patterns in when and where the arguments occur? If we often have stressful interactions with our partner when they come home from work can we plan to be out of the house for a while so they have time to unwind before having to speak to us? If our children regularly get into a fight while we are cooking dinner, can we cook earlier in the day, or bring dinnertime forward?
These two examples connect with the needs for space and food. There are other needs that we could look to meet before they build up. Giving people time and space to be heard is important. When thinking of preventative measures we can look for ways to meet people’s needs in advance of them having to ‘shout’ for attention.
There needs to be a balance between nit-picking and letting things go. When we continually pick up on everything that someone does it can be hugely demoralising; conversely when we don’t pick up on things in the moment we need to be aware of them not being bottled up in us with the potential to resurface. Passive behaviour is to ignore things we don’t like and not comment. However, what often occurs is a swing into sudden aggressive behaviour at an unexpected time when we can no longer hold it all in.
It may be easier in the short term to ignore and turn a blind eye to fraying at the edges, but this could just result in a larger rift. The proverb a stitch in time reminds us of putting things right now saving us a bigger job later.
Starhawk4 looks at how a tree windbreak works as a way of emulating this to deal with strong energy coming towards us. Instead of trying to block the energy with an impermeable edge which can actually create eddies and more energy, or just trying to duck out of the way leaving the energy to blow around indiscriminately, we can seek to bend like the trees absorbing and diffusing the energy.
This is another opportunity for us to use a biotime diary. If there is someone with whom we feel we are regularly in conflict with, we can note the times and circumstances of both conflict and peace. We can also make a note of other factors that we think might be of influence. For example it may be that we are having many arguments with our children: from keeping a record we may observe a pattern of them happening before meal times. Or we may note the amount of sleep we have had each night and observe if this affects the frequency of arguments.
Keeping a biotime diary may also show you the exceptions and the times when you are at peace with others.
I attended a three day workshop focused on improving group functioning. Ironically a conflict arose in the group, a few minutes of loud voices and disagreement that quickly escalated, leaving feelings of anxiety and irritation in its wake. Despite being given lots of attention over the next two days it was never resolved, it actually gained more momentum. Conflict was spoken about from lots of different angles, and by the end I was thirsty for some positive stories. Different subgroups were formed on the last day, one of which was conflict resolution; this was shortened to the ‘conflict’ group, and sure enough there was conflict in this group. I heard, in the closing round, one of the main people involved repeating his desire to continue working on conflict, and thought how he appeared to be bringing conflict into his life, even under the guise of wanting to work on conflict resolution.
Reflections on the drive home brought me to a realisation that we were in fact feeding the conflict, in the attempt to try and resolve the few minutes of tension. I thought how different it could have been if instead of ‘conflict resolution’ we were working on ‘restoring peace’. Instead of the word ‘conflict’ being said hundreds of times over the last three days we could have been repeating ‘peace’, like a mantra bringing it into being.
‘How do we restore peace?’ is a very different question from ‘how do we resolve the conflict?’ When we are focused on the conflict we are still in the past; asking about restoring peace focuses us on the present and the future. It can help us to hold on to the intention to maintain good dialogue and think more positively about the situation.
That doesn’t mean to say that events have to be forgotten about or brushed under the carpet; it may be necessary to revisit the incident to move forward, or it may not be. Emphasising restoring peace allows us to consider where we would like to be and the choices we have to consider to get there. We can choose whether to analyse or discuss the incident further or whether to put it to bed and not feed it any more and direct the energy to a different vision.