Our relationships contribute significantly to our emotional health. We begin this chapter with looking at what happens between people, how we can create nurturing relationships and give and receive support. Throughout our one-to-one relationships we can be mindful of the ways we communicate.
One of the anchor points of the design web is the principles; in this chapter we look through the lens of each principle to see how this relates to couples, parenting and friendships.
Humans like to create all sorts of boundaries and this tendency has contributed to our perceived separation from nature. We like to define our ‘self’ as something distinct and separate from the ‘other’. Sharp distinctions can result in alienations: ‘us and them’; humans and other species; humans and the Earth. However edges are not impermeable barriers, they are entrance and entry points, passageways between two ‘selves’. We live surrounded by air and every time we breathe there is a flow of air from outside to inside the body; where is the edge, the separation? In conversation words flow back and forth. Is it my words or your words or is it the combination that creates a conversation?
The edge between two people is a place in itself. It exists separate from you and me. Communication passes through the edge in the form of conversations, shouting, insults, compliments, music, books and images. How we communicate and the filters we have influence the edge. Emotions are transported through our smiles, laughter and ideas. Touch, intimacy, emotions and of course love all flow from one person to another.
We have filters that determine what we allow to pass between us. Fear, blame, anger and guilt contract the edge and we build barriers, trying to close ourselves off from the other person. When we close ourselves off we can become depressed and this will become a spiral of erosion with us shutting ourselves off further. If we are coming from a scarcity mindset then we will perceive the edge as a place of protection and try and build it up to make it impermeable. This thinking applies on a national level as well. Coming from an abundance mind-set we can actively open up this edge to allow influences from others. Happiness, love and trust expand the edge.
We can support and nurture this edge – the place of relationship – to enhance our own and the other person’s well-being.
Life is the gift
For most of us our primary experience of being nurtured was from our parents. They hopefully helped us to learn skills, praised us, supported and guided us. They looked after our emotional and physical well-being.
Throughout our childhood the attitudes of parents and significant others such as family members, teachers and doctors can lay down beliefs about the world and ourselves. Comments they made probably related more to their own beliefs, feelings and desires than ‘the truth’ although we were unaware of this at the time. We continue to be influenced as we grow older, our significant others becoming our partner, boss, guru or friends.
The attitudes of both the critical and the over-indulgent person could have come from a place of wanting to nurture us, but could leave us holding beliefs that do not serve us any more. Our gremlin can use these viewpoints to stand in our way.
A critical person could have been finding fault to try and provoke improvement. This could have left us with self-beliefs such as ‘nothing I do is ever right’, ‘I need to be perfect’. An over-indulgent person could have let us off the hook, allowing us to not push ourselves or continually doing things for us rather than allowing us to learn to do them ourselves. We may now hold beliefs like ‘I don’t need to try’, ‘there’s always a way out’ or ‘I can’t do it by myself’.
A nurturing person strikes the balance between the two and finds ways to encourage and support without undermining attempts to develop.
When we nurture plants we help them to grow and provide protection; by observing their needs we can provide for them. Their needs will be different at varying stages of growth. We ‘harden off’ seedlings, getting them used to colder conditions step by step so that they are able to withstand the move from a warm greenhouse to the colder outside.
When nurturing children we support them to gradually make the transition from the warmer, safer home environment to the bigger, outside world. Nurturing other adults can be more of a two-way process, where there is give and take. We can create encouraging environments. We can have physical places that are light, spacious, cosy, warm and quiet, where it is possible to be nourished by just being there. We can create emotional environments that support us in accessing our feelings and working through difficult emotions, by giving people the space to talk and acknowledging that it’s OK to share. Social environments can encourage connections, support and feedback with open and willing communication.
Timing is crucial. There are times when we prune a tree and it benefits, and other times of the year when we would do more harm than good. The same applies for our strategies for nurturing people. The effects differ depending on when we do things, again illustrating the key need for observation before intervention or feedback. Imagine you have been trying to experiment in the kitchen with a new recipe and you are unsure what to do next, then someone comes and takes over and you feel disempowered. Imagine the same scenario but you now have people coming over for dinner and a backache – now it feels supportive for someone to come and take over. We need to be mindful of the other person’s perspective rather than making assumptions. Awareness and observation encourage us to see individual needs. We can work from the patterns of support that we can give to the details of what is needed in the moment.
When talking about cultivating a healthy mind I described the importance of being able to learn from our mistakes and how this can provide us with rich information and learning opportunities. In our relationships there will be times when we have to step back and allow someone to take their own course, even if we can see a learning opportunity coming. Sometimes we have to allow someone to make their own decisions which may bring undesirable outcomes in the short term, but will be more beneficial in the long run as they learn for themselves. This is part of allowing systems to demonstrate their own evolution. We can provide the conditions to nurture someone but they have to do their own growing.
Leadership of ourselves and others can include the qualities of a nurturing person: guiding but not directing; pushing but not forcing; stimulating rather than being prescriptive; supporting instead of doing it for them.
Support for each other is a necessary part of our human existence; interdependency is the common pattern in nature. We do not live in isolation and are not able to meet all of our own needs by ourselves. There are some basic requirements that by their very definition have to come from other people: our needs for love, affection and connection. Support for each other, from loved ones, work colleagues, friends and even strangers, improves our quality of life, increases our ability to grow into our potential and helps maintain our well-being. Support strengthens and enables people to help themselves.
A nurturing environment allows for passive and active support. Reciprocal relationships create symmetry and balance allowing greater support to travel in both directions. We can create synergetic relationships with mutual benefit; many hands make light work.
Giving support can take many different forms. It may be an extra pair of hands, a listening ear, encouragement, practical assistance with heavy jobs or childcare that is called for. Asking people questions about the continuity of their lives; ‘How is your shoulder today; did you find a resolution to your problem last week?’ shows care and support.
When we give support to someone it’s not essential to do the work for them; this can be disempowering. Our best support is to provide a bridge for them to access their own internal resources. They may need to connect with their stamina, practical skills, decision-making skills, wisdom or intuition. We each have all of these within us but there are times when we lose our way. We can show trust in them being able to do it for themselves. Advice can sometimes be constructive but often it is of most value when we give someone the space to talk and find their own way to the solution.
It helps to come from a position of strength; being centred and well in our own zone 00 grants us the space to be able to support others. When we are filled with our own urgent tasks, ill health and emotional upsets it is harder to give to others. Tomas Remiarz and Jed Picksley are permaculture activists and teachers, who travel around projects in the UK volunteering their time. They see themselves as resources for other people. When they first arrive they spend time observing. They look for ways they can direct their energy to apply minimum effort for maximum effect. Often they see jobs that need doing that allow for greater flows of energy. They do some of the more unglamorous jobs to release the project owners to do more interesting jobs.
Most of us have times when we are feeling low, unwell or overworked. There are times when we might feel we are skating so close to the coping line that we aren’t quite sure which side we are on.
Being open to receiving support is crucial in our getting it. This may sound obvious but we live in a culture that fosters independence as opposed to interdependence and hence we may have barriers to asking for help. These might be beliefs based on scarcity: ‘People don’t have time to help’, or personal beliefs: ‘I don’t deserve help’; ‘life is meant to be difficult’. Uprooting these beliefs may be the first shift in accessing the support that we need. Connecting with beliefs of abundance such as ‘there is plenty’, ‘I have choices’ or ‘I can trust’ allows us to open up to the idea of assistance, creating doorways for support to arrive. When we ask the universe for help support may come from unexpected directions. Likewise being specific with our needs helps support arrive sooner. People generally want to be of help if they can, but may only know how if asked, otherwise your need is out of their sight. Whenever we receive support in big or little ways, expressing sincere gratitude is important.
One of the ways we can offer support is to give people the space to talk and be active in our listening. This process is a way of exchanging support. This process can be carried out with families, couples, friends or colleagues.
The process is simple and profound. Each person has an allocated amount of time. During this time they are given interruption-free space to explore their feelings. This time is split between the four questions given below, with twice as much time for the third question. Timings given are based on ten minutes per person, but could be longer if time allows.
The first two questions are reflective. The first question invites us to find the positives in our situation. The second question allows us to think about what is challenging us. The third question allows us to voice our vision; we are invited to have unboundaried dreaming time. We do not need to think about the practicalities or justify how we are going to get there. Expressing where we would actually like to be, can be like opening up our leaves to catch sunlight. Having voiced our goals helps us to be ready to seize any opportunities that come our way, taking us in the direction we want to travel. The last question returns us to the present time and asks us to take action towards our goals.
The questions can be answered generally or more specifically – such as what is going well for me as a parent, at work, at home, as a permaculturist etc. They can also be used as an evaluation tool for designs, projects and work, for example what is going well in my garden?
It is a powerful and nurturing process and can be extremely joyful to reflect back over time and see that one of your long-term goals has become part of your ‘what is going well’.
We want healthy connections with our partners based on mutual respect and understanding that promote synergy.
There are four cornerstones to a long-term healthy relationship: love; communication; shared ethics and values; and compatible visions.
Initially we come together with our partners from an emotional connection, and love blossoms. As our relationship evolves we have more interactions based on pragmatic arrangements. We may have to negotiate when we see each other and as logistical arrangements come more to the forefront, compassionate and effective communication is even more vital.
When we have shared values and ethics we are coming from the same centre. We need to understand each other’s values even if they are not identical to our own.
The fourth cornerstone of compatible visions illustrates the need for couples to be heading in the same direction, not necessarily to the same place, for we all have our own journey to take and different ways of getting there. Using the vision step we can gain clarity of our own dreams and create mutual goals. Taking time regularly to listen to each other and hear each other’s aspirations allows connection with the bigger picture.
Friends Caz Phillips and Mike Pattinson use the four questions from the vision support method regularly as a health check on their relationship. They find it helps them to understand and respect one another’s paths and where they are upon them. Caz says, “It is an opportunity to listen and feel heard, and gain a deeper understanding of each other in our relationship. Through listening we are more able to accept and appreciate each other. We have found it creates a more loving, caring atmosphere in our home.”
Mike observes, “Simply being heard, with problem solving by the other partner being banned, usually leads to a letting go of grievances before they fester. The healing balm of listening miraculously sorts out most problems.”
As we move into a relationship a new system emerges. ‘I’ becomes ‘we’, and at the same time it is important to maintain our own identities and systems. Each person has diverse talents, skills, interests and ways of being; respecting these increases self-esteem and self-worth. We all have strengths and weaknesses and differing approaches to life. The aim of being in a relationship is not to be the same, but to complement each other.
Relationships go through different stages of growth. Each phase has its gifts and challenges.
| Pioneer | Growth | Mature | Decay | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Gift |
Excitement Freshness Spontaneity |
Steady expansion Stability Familiarity |
Security Comfort Deepening |
Relief Freedom Doors open |
| Challenge |
Unfamiliarity Uncertainty about the future |
Maintaining spontaneity Giving space to each other to grow |
Mundane Complacency Being independent and whole as an individual |
Tension Loss Uncertainty about future Comfort zone changes |
Recognising these as stages we go through enables us to put strategies in place to see the challenges as opportunities. It can also help to know that they follow a natural cycle.
In a forest garden we try and sustain the most diverse stage of a woodland, where the canopy is not yet closed, by allowing continuous light and maintaining expansive edges. In our relationships we can preserve the mature state without going into decay, we can halt the natural succession through pruning away dead and diseased parts. We may take dates together to invigorate a mature relationship and rekindle the energy and love that was there in the beginning.
Changes occur in the relationship, the people and our circumstances. We need to allow for growth and change in each other and not get attached to our partner being a certain way and boxing them in, or staying the same ourselves so as not to upset the relationship. If we have compatible visions then our relationship can withstand our paths diverging, and this can bring new perspectives.
We are living in a time in history where waste is all around us. We live in a disposable culture. This thinking has penetrated through to our view on relationships. It is a debatable point as to the cause of the rise in divorce rates over the last few decades. That it is now culturally accepted and hence more people get divorced, could be one explanation, in the past more people might have ridden the storms of the ups and downs.
If we damage the other person with our words or actions we wound ourselves as we are part of the same system now. The maxim prevention is better than cure is true in our relationships. We can find ways in which we can provide support, communicate and nurture to prevent conflict and stress. Peace is best restored before the tear becomes too severe, a stitch in time... An apology given quickly can save a lot of energy being wasted and the situation spiralling out of control.
For most of us our primary place of learning about relationships was from observation of our parents. When we were young we were probably unaware of the full stories behind what was happening and just picked up on the emotional context. We will have patterns of interaction inherited from our parents deeply embedded within us, without necessarily being able to see, interpret or question these patterns as an adult. Unless we have consciously repatterned our behaviours, what then emerges from our subconscious is played out with our partner who may also be acting from an inherited pattern.
It is not just from our parents that we inherit our patterns, we are also responding to wider cultural beliefs, expectations and patterns. Examples of this are the age at which people get married, gender roles and levels of commitment. There have been cultural shifts relating to the roles of the husband and wife over the last few generations.
As our relationships progress we fall into patterns of interaction with each other. These become our comfort zones and are familiar to us even if some are undesirable. Our patterns of behaviour merge with those of our partners and we can pick up on unhelpful habits as well as useful ones. Our partner becomes messier and we become tidier, for example. Habits that we fall into in the beginning often stick, such as division of labour. Moving from the pioneer stage into the growth stage is a prime time to design helpful patterns into our relationship.
It can take a while to become aware of our own values and feelings about our relationship and to own these together, rather than acting from our inherited scripts. By consciously looking at the patterns of interaction that we would like in our relationship, we can then bring this into action on a day-to-day basis. We can design from our values the relationship we want.
Our relationship with our children is lifelong and certainly one of the most significant ones we will have. We keep coming back to the patterns and beliefs that we have inherited from our parents, and we need to be equally aware of those with which we are sending our children out into the world.
As parents the health and happiness of our children has a direct and strong influence on our own health and happiness. You only need to see someone who has been up all night nursing an ill child to realise this.
The time and energy it takes to raise our children can sometimes be our biggest limiting factors in achieving our own goals. It is likely that some of our energy is not giving direct benefits. For example energy spent nagging and dealing with illnesses, arguments and tantrums drains everyone’s emotional resources. We need to find ways to make best use of the time and energy available to improve our relationships. Ultimately this may enable us to put less in without losing any quality and freeing up some resources for ourselves, as we saw in Suzi’s zone 00 design.
Keeping our families healthy, building self-esteem and setting up systems of responsibility and training provides payback in the future. Building resilience in the family is important.
As nurturing parents we can show trust in our children and their abilities and support them to access their own resources, while also giving them positive patterns to follow when they are older.
From the word go we are observing our babies and listening to their cries. We continue this observation of our children, to establish what works well with them and what factors contribute to difficult situations and behaviour. How do they respond to different foods and activities? How can we interact with these observations to prevent, diminish or enhance damaging behaviours? We can observe where our energy drains are. Can time be spent observing the situations that precipitate the tantrums and illnesses, to help us try and intervene earlier, forestalling them, and using the energy in a more beneficial way?
The energy that we put into our family system determines the energy that we get out. If we put energy into family meals, outings and games we are more likely to get fun, laughter, growth and connections out. Remembering the good times together by sharing family stories with photos and memories enables us to make more use of these positive experiences.
It is of equal importance to allow negative energy not to build up, and to deal with it in time to dissipate it.
The proverb make hay while the sun shines reminds us to catch opportunities as they arise. When they are babies, we can sleep when they sleep. With older children and teenagers we can be open to talking when they want to talk.
It is imperative for our children to learn how to self-regulate and establish their own limits rather than these being enforced by the parents. If as parents we are continually saying ‘that’s enough of that, no more this week’ it can become draining for us, and they then might just binge when they have the opportunity, either behind our backs or later in life. If they can agree reasonable amounts like five hours of television a week, and learn to stick to them it can save a lot of tiring debates and provides a useful lesson on self-regulation.
When we give feedback we sometimes attach non-related consequences. We say ‘don’t jump on the sofa or you can’t go to your friend’s house’. This makes it difficult for the child to process the actual message, because they are distracted by working out the connection and whether they want the consequences. Faber and Mazlish2 talk about ‘natural consequences’, the actual ramifications of the event, what will in fact happen if you jump on the sofa; ‘it might break; you will give me a headache; you could knock over the plant next to it’. When shown the natural consequences they are more able to process the information and alter their behaviour appropriately.
Within families feedback can come about very quickly; young children do not store their feelings, they immediately let you know what is happening for them one way or another. We can create a culture where everyone is listened to and constructive feedback can be given and received. This also means being open to receiving feedback from your children about what they would like to be different in your behaviour. Parenting is a two-way process of learning and growth.
Our children unconsciously mirror our behaviour, needs, emotions and past. What is niggling us about their behaviour may well represent something in us. It is therefore important for us to look to our own behaviours and emotions for clues about how to regulate ourselves as a starting point for bringing things back on track within the family.
As detailed earlier, giving feedback in terms of appreciation is a valuable way of creating positive change.
It takes time to re-establish good rapport with our children if things have been challenging. We cannot just decide overnight to improve the situation and wave a magic wand. Time needs to be taken to build up trust. Spending positive time with your children every day – playing, talking, listening, just being with them – can start to ease the wheels.
We make friends with people for different reasons. Circumstances bring us together, we are bonded by a common history, spiritual roots or having shared experiences. Friendships can arise in the opposite way from relationships; with interactions based on pragmatic interactions at work for example, that then go on to build emotional connections.
We want friendships that enhance our quality of life, self-image and expand our horizons. Healthy friendships are based on reciprocal support, company, exchange of ideas and advice, sharing of food, fun, laughter, and someone to talk and listen to.
It’s easy for a wall to go up in a friendship, and once it starts going up it can be added to brick by brick until you can no longer see each other.
This creates a spiral of erosion:
Misunderstanding > distance yourself > feel more excluded and isolated > unheard > misinterpretations >...
Clarity of communication, spending time with our friends and having the bravery to open up honest dialogue are all ways to transform this spiral into one of abundance.
There are many yields we can get out of our friendships: learning, laughter, joy, happiness and hugs. We can get different things from different people. What we get out of our friendships depends on what we put in. Some need more work and maintenance than others. Healthy friendships are based on mutual support with a balance of giving and receiving. At times we may be giving more than receiving but overall there is a balance.
All of Max-Neef’s nine needs can be met through our friendships; subsistence, protection, affection, understanding, participation, leisure, creation, identity and freedom. We all have different needs from our friendships.
Our friendships can influence and help to build different forms of capital. Our experiential capital expands through organising and carrying out projects together. Our social capital increases with having friends we can call upon for help. Through sharing information, ideas and knowledge our intellectual capital is heightened. Our spiritual capital is enhanced through the creation and acknowledgement of interdependencies and support. Cultural capital is maintained and improved through storytelling and celebrations. We can even use our friendships to improve financial capital by spending our money locally and making friends with local shops and businesses. Our material capital and access to tools and resources increases when we borrow and lend them. Living capital and surpluses of seeds, plants and fresh produce can be distributed.
Our friends are renewable resources in our lives. We can value all they have to offer. As we see with obtaining a yield our friendships can enhance all of our capitals.
Within our friendships we can think about whether our entertainments are based on creation rather than consumption. Can our entertainment also be beneficial for our health, such as walking and swimming?
What exchanges can we create with our friends? For example childcare swaps, lift shares, food shares, work exchanges and work days, skill swapping.
Our friendships themselves are renewable – we can put time and energy into them to bring them to life again if they are starting to fizzle out.
There are two ways of looking at this principle. One is of having to maintain our positions on the edge and not succumbing to peer pressure and group norms. The other way is that our friendships encourage us to expand our edges.
Friendship groups have group norms and there can be peer pressure to conform. Teenagers especially can get caught up with trying to be like their friends. We can find ways of valuing our own uniqueness and acknowledging the advantages of being ‘on the edge’. Demonstrating to our children the value of not being the same as everyone else assists them in holding to their true selves and not getting swept up in the crowd. We can also be affirmative of who our friends are as people, no matter how different they are from us.
The other perspective is how our friendships can help us to increase the edges of our comfort zones. We all have different comfort zones, so we can try activities with them that they are comfortable with but we are in stretch zone with. We can be encouraged to experiment, explore, adapt and respond to new skills, situations and dynamics in our lives.
There is one last principle for you to think about with your own friendships:
Integrate rather than segregate