Impaired Empaths
Are you then unable to recognize unless it has the same sound as yours?
andré gide
Empathy is coded within us and threaded throughout us so that we might be touched by the world outside. We are designed for connection, created for love, and impassioned by compassion. As is true of everything applicable to the human condition, however, there are exceptions to the rule.
As we shall explore in this section, there are certain categories of people who are often described as being afflicted with “impaired empathy,” a term used to signify empathic challenges. We are going to take a look at these broad groups, which include individuals labeled with mental, mood, and personality disorders, learning issues, and certain types of stress. We’ll examine what research says about these challenges and the correlative role of empathy before drawing conclusions about how the empathic gifts might really work. We’ll also examine beliefs about the causes of these disorders and the reasons why the empathic responses of those who have them might be impaired.
We’ll also highlight the potential causes of impaired empathy, emphasizing reasons for it that you won’t find in college textbooks. While this chapter will present the classical causes of impaired empathy, such as neurological and genetic challenges, to this list we will add reasons such as past-life issues and new scientific theories. We’ll also examine how someone in a relationship with an impaired empathizer might be affected.
Impaired empathy usually presents as limited empathic gifts or even none at all, although sometimes being overempathic is also challenging. There are many reasons certain individuals or groups reveal impaired empathy. At one level, as we saw in Chapter 2, our empathic gifts are biochemical in nature; if our bodies are unable to perform the functions involved in empathy, we will not be able to access our empathic gifts or will do so only partially.
Our empathic abilities are also electromagnetic. If our EMF faculties are skewed or problematic, our empathic abilities might also be skewed. Added to these physical-world reasons for empathic challenges are a host of others, including individual differences, family-of-origin upbringing, life experiences, training and education, soul issues, sympathetic overload, and more.
Before we jump in, I’m going to offer an important caveat. If you fit into any of the groups described in this chapter, know that there is hope. Being impaired (by normal standards) doesn’t mean that you are a lesser person than others. Sometimes our lives appear adverse for a soul teaching. But sometimes the impairment really is too challenging for us. If this is the case, there are ways to shift our empathic reality through dedicated work or by accessing our empathy through different means. In Part Ii of this book, we explored a variety of ways to enable healthier and more productive ways of being empathic.
Most importantly, I encourage you to read this discussion through the lens of love. Essentially, we are on this planet to learn about love. Some of us fall on one extreme of the continuum, suffering as supergifted empaths who would benefit from reducing our empathic exposure and involvement. Yet others dwell on the other side, with empathic abilities seemingly shut down and inaccessible. Wherever we fall on the spectrum, the ultimate goal is to listen to the music within our own souls as well as the souls of others, creating harmony as we move through this journey we call life—and enjoying the symphony together.
What Is an Impaired Empath?
(With a Caveat: No Shame Allowed)
The word impaired means “diminished in strength, quality, or utility.” People who are impaired empathically have either a reduced ability to empathize or the opposite: an oversensitive emotional palate. Either side of the continuum can result in a diminished sense of self or a reduced ability to flourish and evolve.
Most of us can understand that being underempathic can present challenges. I once worked with a young boy named Kyle who was extraordinarily closed off. While he wasn’t diagnosed as autistic, he had many of the same characteristics as people who are. He was almost nonresponsive to his family members’ moods. He would hit his sisters in order to get a toy and be surprised by their tears. He seemingly had no sense of what was going on with others. His severe social challenges marked him as a critically impaired empath in danger of experiencing a lifetime of hard relationships.
But while Kyle was challenged when it came to emotional and mental empathy, he was a strong natural empath. Dogs, cats, guinea pigs—Kyle broke into a smile when they were happy and wiggly and frowned when they were sad or hungry. His inability to connect with people was costly to him and his loved ones. But his link with animal companions represented a way into his soul—and possibly into human relationships. Perhaps he and his loved ones couldn’t share a toy or a ball, but how about a cuddle with a puppy?
Sometimes it’s difficult to think of being overempathic, a condition also called being sensitive or oversensitive, as a problematic state—unless, of course, you are overempathic. As we’ve discussed many times, being too open in any of the six empathic areas can leave us feeling like a leaf blowing in a breeze—and not only lovely, light spring breezes; what about hurricanes? Feeling powerless to protect yourself against other people’s dilemmas is a debilitating feeling indeed.
Clinical conditions and learning issues are mainly characterized as causing empathic impairment, and some people believe that the reverse is also true—that empathic problems might even cause some clinical conditions. People with diagnoses such as bipolar disorder and depression are typically described as being underempathic. But as you’ll soon learn, this rigid assumption is being shaken. For instance, researchers are now considering that depression is at least partially caused by overempathic rather than underempathic tendencies.
At one level, most of us could be said to be empathically impaired. For example, you could say that an emotional empath who is unable to access the other five types of empathy is empathically impaired. Likewise, you could suggest that the shamanic empath, the person who struggles with boundaries on all levels, is impaired because the sheer scope of their empathic gifts causes them difficulties.
Because of the variance in empathic abilities and the different reasons that underlie empathic impairment, it is vital that we not attach shame to empathic conditions and challenges, whether or not the person with an empathic impairment can be labeled with a therapeutic or medical diagnosis. Certain conditions—especially biochemically based mental illnesses—are greatly affected by genetics and biological factors. Is this the fault of the person with the condition? Some situations, including anxiety and depression, might be rooted in physical factors but also be caused by upbringing, abuse, or situational stress. Still other issues, such as autism and ADHD, are clearly brain related.
At our core, we are all spiritual beings. Those of us who wear a clinical diagnosis on our lapel aren’t “bad people,” and individuals who don’t wear one aren’t “good people.” In fact, mental illnesses are not rare. One in four adults experiences a mental health disorder every year, and one in seventeen lives with a serious mental illness.
Of the people who experience a lifetime mental illness, half begin facing it by age fourteen, and three-quarters by age twenty-four. Yet decades may pass between the onset of a mental health disease and receiving treatment.47
No matter our clinical state of mind and body, we are each an expression of the Divine, here to explain, expose, and enhance a particular form of love. And we are on earth to explore our divinity in very human ways, which include dealing with difficulties that may or may not place us in the “normal” category.
As we explore the different subgroups of impaired empaths, I encourage you to keep shame out of the picture. If love is the reason we are here, then love is the ultimate antidote for living with or transforming everything, including impaired empathy.
Classic Groups of Impaired Empaths
As empathy is classically defined as the ability to share and know the feelings or perceptions of another, several different groups of people are recognized as being empathically impaired.
Today’s scientific research into impairment centers on the two main types of empathy. The first is emotional empathy, which researchers also term affective empathy. This is the type that inspires an appropriate emotional reaction to another. Then there is cognitive empathy, which is also called mentalizing, Theory of Mind, or social cognition in therapeutic terms. We will call this mental empathy because it invites mental perceptions.
Our exploration of impaired empaths will include several different types of mental disorders. We will also examine the broad categories of psychotic disorders and learning challenges and look at stress and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Please understand that while these basic categories of impaired empaths are classically organized—that is, based on primary scientific and therapeutic knowledge—there are other ways of categorizing individuals and their symptoms, and there are gaping holes in our understanding of people with these issues. If you are interested in any of these topic areas or diagnoses, you will want to conduct further research or see a licensed professional. My goal with this appendix is for you to leave these profiles with a general sense of what might be occurring inside people who have empathic challenges.
Mental Disorders
There are several different types of mental disorders. These include anxiety, mood, personality, cognitive, psychotic, and substance-related disorders, as well as disorders of childhood and adolescence. Some professionals also have a separate classification for schizophrenia, delusional disorders, dissociative disorders, and sexual disorders. Many of these are characterized by empathy-related symptoms. We will be looking at a sampling of these disorders in relation to empathic impairment.
While throughout this book we worked with six different types of empathy, our discussion of mental disorders will be limited to the two types that are measured by researchers: anxiety and mood disorders.
Anxiety Disorders
Anxiety disorders are the most common of the psychiatric illnesses, affecting 15 to 20 percent of medical clinic patients. They are characterized by a sense of dread, unease, or foreboding.
There are hundreds of reasons we might feel anxiety. Anxious feelings could indicate a psychiatric condition or the reaction to a true threat such as a terminal illness or poverty.48 A Stanford study has even linked anxiety to digestive irritation early in life.49 When anxiety interferes with our daily life, it could be classified as a disorder.
While few studies probe the relationship between anxiety and empathy, many people believe that anxiety can be linked to overempathy. One group of researchers and therapists believes that many anxious people are actually highly sensitive people who comprise about 15 to 20 percent of our population. The highly sensitive person has a sensitive nervous system, causing them to pick up on what is occurring outside them. Because they absorb, reflect, and often dwell upon this incoming information, they are likely to become overwhelmed and, therefore, anxious.50
Many of the clients I work with report that they have been anxious since childhood. Some are emotionally or mentally empathic, but many are also able to pick up on entities and spirits, others’ physical conditions, what is occurring in nature, and issues related to others’ integrity and values. In short, I believe that many anxiety disorders are actually caused by hyperempathy.
For instance, one of my clients had taken nearly every antianxiety medicine available and nothing touched her nightly panic attacks. At first she refused to tell me why. I finally guessed that she was picking up on energy in her bedroom and surrounding spaces. After I questioned her, she admitted that she could feel the ghosts of her ancestors; in fact, several had been visiting her nightly since she was a child. My client’s shamanic empathy was giving her anxiety. After we asked the Divine to heal and then remove these spirits, she reported that they were gone and her panic attacks had ended.
the stress-induced anxiety disorder:
New Thoughts on PTSD
We all go through bouts of stress that leave us exhausted and personally debilitated. This stress might be short term, acute, or chronic, but in any event, too much stress can sometimes close down our empathic abilities or, conversely, expand them to a hyperarousal level.
Prolonged stress is by far the most challenging in its effects on our mental health and our capacity for empathy. For instance, research shows that protracted stress in young children can slow or even stop brain development and physical growth as well as empathic functions.
One of the reasons for the disturbing effect of stress on our empathy is that our bodies respond to stress by releasing cortisol from the adrenals, which, if it happens over a prolonged period of time, causes long-term damage to the brain and immune system. In a child, repeated stress in the environment forms brain connections that cause them to react strongly to perceived threats. Even when the stressors are removed, the brain continues to act as if the threats are present, and the body basically becomes stuck sending SOS signals to the primitive parts of the brain. The brain stem in particular becomes overdeveloped, and areas responsible for emotional control and effective decision making are reduced. The result includes anxiety, poor impulse control, and a lack of empathy.51
The more frequently a child, or even an adult, is exposed to harmful or scary situations, the greater the chance that their empathy will become blocked. This is one of the factors behind post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a severe anxiety disorder that can develop in children or adults after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma. Severe PTSD can cause flashbacks and nightmares, challenges with falling or staying asleep, anger, and hypervigilance. Another common symptom is impairment in social functioning.52
There are numerous causes of PTSD. These include psychological trauma, involvement in war, being victimized by disaster, the diagnosis of a life-threatening illness in self or a loved one, being bullied or mobbed, and genetic predisposition. Our epigenetic material, if exposed to enough trauma, can toggle on the genes that suppress empathy or enhance it. The effects of PTSD might actually account for much of the trauma that underlies impaired empathy or related conditions.53
The research on PTSD only outlines the effects of debilitating stress on emotional and mental empathy, but our other four forms of empathy can be equally affected. I’ve met adults who could play Dr. Dolittle while growing up, walking and talking with the animals—or plants or ocean waves or the moon. With one client, the stress of ridicule shut down his intuitive abilities and made him an anxious and unhappy person. Once he reengaged his natural empathy, he discovered a peace of mind he’d never experienced before.
One of the empathic abilities frequently affected by PTSD is physical empathy. I find that trauma usually blows our instinctive physical empathy wide open or snaps it tightly shut. Clients with hyperphysical empathy are frequently sick, financially challenged, and have a hard time in primary relationships. They often attract underempathic individuals and feel guilty when they say no to abuse. They sponge so much energy from others that they can even feel the pain another person might experience if they were to suddenly stop absorbing all the other’s problems.
On the other hand, victims of PTSD sometimes move their chairs to the other side of the continuum, deciding unconsciously that they would rather sense nothing in their bodies than reexperience the pain of an earlier time. These people exhibit symptoms that are more narcissistic or even psychopathic, sometimes using substances to keep numbing the scary pain. How can you be emotionally or mentally empathic with others if you can’t even identify with your own body?
While PTSD can often be tracked to experiences in this lifetime, it can also be traced further back in time. I remember working with a client who was overly empathic in every area. She also presented all the symptoms of being a rape victim but, despite years of therapy, couldn’t remember being sexually abused. We performed a past-life regression, and she recalled being gang raped in an earlier lifetime. As she processed through the horror of that experience, which was lodged in her soul, she was eventually able to manage her shamanic gifts so they didn’t interfere with her life.
Every one of the reasons presented in the section titled “A Discussion of Causes of Empathic Impairment” later in this appendix can be a causal factor or carrier of PTSD. In addition to the areas we’ve already explored, what could be more traumatic than having a chunk of your soul locked away in someone else or attached to an entity? How much more severe is your own PTSD if it triggers an ancestral memory that was similar? How would your body respond to an interfering spirit that attaches to your primary cell, the first cell created at conception (and discussed later in this chapter)—the point being here that there can be many reasons for an empathy impairment challenge.
In the end, I believe that most impaired empathy has its roots in some form of PTSD, which makes it all the more important to track down the experience and heal it. You can do this by working with a professional and/or using the exercise “An Example of Healing: Freedom from PTSD” in Chapter 6.
Mood Disorders
Mood disorders are disturbances in which an individual’s moods become problematic. The two major categories are major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder. Each is linked to empathic impairment.
depression (major depressive disorder)
We all feel sad or down once in a while, but a despairing mood that lasts more than a day or two may border on depression, the most common mental disorder in the world. In fact, the World Health Organization projects that by 2020 depression will be the major source of disability in the developed world and the second most important cause worldwide.54
Lingering sadness, when it interferes with daily life, is often called depression. The symptoms include a persistent sadness, anxiety, or sense of emptiness; feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness; irritability and fatigue; and sometimes thoughts of suicide or attempts on one’s own life.
There are many different types of depression and just as many causes, including genetics, survivor guilt, chemical and hormonal imbalances, addictions, the illness of oneself or a loved one, loss, postpartum disorder, and seasonal affective disorder (SAD), caused by lack of sunlight.55 In relation to empathy, however, many people believe that depressive individuals are not empathetic, probably because they often appear withdrawn or reclusive. However, researchers have now connected depression and empathy, pointing out that depressed individuals most frequently have normal, if not higher, levels of empathy relative to the mainstream population. Unfortunately, they also tend to unrealistically blame themselves for the pain other people feel. As is the case with most mood disorders, the depressed person’s empathy system is functional; however, they are seemingly cursed with an overly active moral system set on automatic pilot.
This means that many depressed individuals experience an exaggerated reaction to others’ difficulties and emotional problems. Rather than thinking about the present, they agonize over their perceived sins of the past or how they might be endangering the people they currently know. They are inherently prone to worry and guilt and tend to have developed a pathway for empathy early in life. But they struggle to think of helpful strategies for assisting others, so their connection between empathic concern and altruistic activities may be somewhat impaired or even severed.
These observations are leading many scientists to believe that mood disorders might often be caused by or result in an overly heightened sense of empathy.56
I often experience clients with depression as extremely empathic, and not only emotionally and mentally. One of my clients, who had been clinically depressed for years, was abused as a child, and prescription medicines and therapy hadn’t touched her symptoms. She finally figured out that when she was growing up, she had overidentified with her parents, who were both physically abusive and alcoholics. She was literally filled with their feelings of self-loathing and sadness. Once my client decided that it wasn’t her job to take on her parents’ inner realities, her depression symptoms disappeared within days, although they often reappeared when she was around people who reminded her of her parents.
bipolar disorder
An exciting scientific paper titled “Neuropsychological Evidence of Impaired Cognitive Empathy in Euthymic Bipolar Disorder” looks at a new way to examine bipolar disorder, namely via the lens of emotional and mental empathy.57
Bipolar disorder, also called manic depression, is characterized by mood swings that range between unbelievable highs and depressive lows. It is the fifth leading cause of disability worldwide, and the rate of suicide for people with bipolar disorder is sixty times higher than it is in the general public.58 The word euthymia describes the middle or more “normal” range a bipolar visits when they aren’t cycling high or low. This paper discusses the fact that even when they experience so-called normal emotions, people who are bipolar are still empathically impaired.
According to the authors of the paper, recent research indicates that an impaired theory of mind, or mental empathy, might not just be a sideline of bipolar disorder but could even cause the aberrant social behaviors that characterize the condition.59
How did the researchers figure this out? Mental or cognitive empathy and emotional empathy rely on two different areas of the brain. The researchers discovered that people with bipolar disorder were impaired in the cognitive brain areas but were highly functional in the emotional areas. This means that the bipolar individual has a hard time reflecting on the viewpoints of others but will feel anxious and tense in interpersonal settings because they have heightened awareness of emotions. This imbalance might account for their inability to regulate their emotional swings, partially because they cannot cognitively assess the real reasons that others are upset. 60
I have found that people with bipolar disorder nearly always need medication to stop their mood swings, as well as therapy to deal with the deeper issues. I know a man who was eventually able to wean off his meds with the help of a professional therapist and a nutritionist, as well as a spiritual program, but I have not personally discovered a way to provide significant assistance through energy medicine.
However, from an intuitive point of view, I have often perceived a chasm in the soul or psyche of bipolar people. One person close to me rotated between extreme highs and lows. When he was at his low point, he was stuck in shame and unable to accept the fact that he was lovable. When he was at his high point, he was unable to embrace his inner shadow or wounded child self, such was his grandiosity.
Many times I have perceived these splits between a person’s “bad” and “good” parts as an early attempt to reunite the human and divine selves. I believe this chasm mirrors the disconnect between the emotional and mental aspects of empathy but also opens bipolar individuals to shamanic influences such as the invasion of or attachment to entities, or what is called interference. (See the section titled “Entities and Dark Forces” later in this appendix.)
I once watched a bipolar individual become possessed by an intruding entity. We were working on severe childhood wounds, including sexual molestation by his sister and abandonment by both his mother and father. His eyes, which were normally green, turned black as if a cloud was entering him, and he began to shout and swear at me, telling me that I was eroding his self-confidence and ruining his life. He had entered a manic state, characterized by fast talking, bragging, and grandiosity—and then he left my office. His wife later confirmed that this was how he responded anytime they became loving with each other.
Personality Disorders
There are a total of twelve personality disorders: paranoid, schizoid, schizotypal, antisocial, borderline, histrionic, narcissistic, avoidant, dependent, obsessive-compulsive, depressive, and passive-aggressive. Some include the psychopathic disorders in this grouping as well. We will emphasize psychopathic disorders, as various types of psychopathy are making the news more and more often: individuals on the extreme side of this continuum are often involved in brutal and painful situations and crimes. As we shall see, empathic issues are part of this critical disorder.
A person is usually diagnosed with one or many of these conditions when they frequently exhibit abnormal patterns of inner experience and behavior, and when they are frequently harmful to themselves or others. In other words, their thoughts and behaviors are not beneficial and have been pervasive for a very long time.
For our purposes, we’re going to explore three of the better-known personality disorders—borderline, narcissistic, and psychopathy—and their relationship with empathy in order to further comprehend how the standard empathic gifts—in particular, the emotional and mental—might interplay with these challenges. We’ll also look into different ways the other types of empathy can appear with these disorders.
Borderline
Individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) are unstable in personal relationships, self-image, and emotions. They are also usually quite impulsive and engage in frantic efforts to avoid being abandoned, even when the abandonment is imagined. Often consumed with anger, they are vulnerable to paranoia and excessive mood changes, which occur every few hours or days.
The causes of BPD are unknown, although most professionals believe that factors include biological and genetic, social (such as family of origin in source), and psychological, which includes a combination of personality traits shaped by learned (or not learned) coping skills.61
In relation to empathy, BPD is sometimes called “borderline empathy” because of a paradox in empathic behaviors. People with BPD can’t always correctly interpret the verbal and nonverbal cues they receive from others; as a result, they believe others are trying to hurt them when they are not. But they can also sense another’s current emotional state by astutely reading emotions, sometimes pinpointing a feeling that the subject isn’t even aware of.
Research suggests that the borderline person is able to read the area around the eyes to determine another’s mental state. This function is not present in conditions such as schizophrenia and autism.62 Other research, however, reflects that borderlines are not empathic; in fact, they lack both emotional and mental empathy. Rather, it seems that they are so caught up in their own emotional experiences that they don’t pay attention to what is occurring with others.
The research that might offer the most insight shows that impaired empathy might actually be the cause of BPD; neurological images support this claim. Instead of being empathic, people with BPD show emotional contagion or personal distress, meaning they are sharing emotions concerning themselves, not another. Both their mental and emotional empathic abilities are impaired.63
My understanding of borderline personality is that underneath the condition is extreme fear. What might a borderline be scared of? I have discovered that they are frightened about experiences in the past, but not the recent past. For instance, I worked with one borderline person who remembered his mother’s terror of his father when he was in the womb. Yet another recalled a past life when he was a soldier in the Civil War and was killed, and another borderline remembered an ancestor’s traumatic experience in war. At some level, I believe the borderline is still held prisoner in a terrifying episode from their own or another’s experience base and doesn’t know how to get out. You can’t be empathic if you are only empathizing with your own wounded inner self, who distorts the perception of current situations to fit the past.
Narcissistic
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental condition in which people inflate their own importance because of an exaggerated need to be admired. Narcissists are characterized by an attitude of superiority, grandiosity, entitlement, and lack of empathy, although many narcissists are highly manipulative and can act like they are empathic.
It is not only individuals who are affected with narcissism. Several studies suggest that society overall is becoming increasingly narcissistic, with people encouraged to look out for themselves first and foremost. While self-seeking is a good thing, this is true only to a point. It also lessens a person’s willingness to pursue common goals that benefit everyone, not just the self.
There are many potential causes for narcissism, which include parental rejection, childhood abandonment, or being excessively praised by parents, which, in turn, can lead to an overvaluation of the self. No matter the cause, the darkness marring narcissists, the hallmark of their affliction, is their lack of empathy for the pain they cause others.64 Some studies show that narcissists don’t empathize emotionally or mentally. Yet others reveal that they can access cognitive or mental empathy but are severely deficient in emotional empathy.65
And even while narcissists can fake empathy, one particular individual, an author who overcame narcissism, relays that he was able to transform his narcissistic diagnosis by learning how to truly listen to others. Ironically, one method he used was to turn others’ words into his own inner voice, thus putting his narcissistic tendencies toward self-absorption to good use.66
I have personally worked with thousands of people who have been lost, hurt, and confused by their narcissistic family members, spouses, children, or friends—but also a few hundred individuals who would qualify as having narcissistic personality disorder. I have typically found that in the former case, the “non-NPDs,” as they are called, are typically overempathic and have a hard time breaking away from the narcissist because they can perceive the wounded child who exists within that person. They don’t want to abandon the innocent child at the person’s center, lying in wait beneath layers of sophisticated defenses.
Those narcissists who have shifted have allowed me to lift the lid off their protective mechanisms and seek out the wounded child within, the inner child huddled in a ball and hiding from others. Once they are able to share the deep pain within, they have opened like blossoming flowers to those around them.
Psychopathy
The word psychopathy comes from the ancient Greek word for psyche, which means “soul,” and pathos, “suffering, disease, and condition.” Many of us are scared of psychopaths, who are sometimes called sociopaths, because of their severe lack of empathy and the resulting harm they can cause.
Psychopathy presents as shallow and empty emotions (especially reduced fear), the ability to tolerate stress beyond a normal capacity, coldheartedness, selfishness, lack of remorse or guilt, superficial charm, a manipulative personality, irresponsibility, and, above all, a lack of empathy. Psychopathic behaviors, however, exhibit on a continuum. On one side are the high-functioning psychopaths who often end up high on the corporate ladder or holding a political seat. Their lack of care for others doesn’t stop them from climbing their way to the top.67 On the other side are the psychopaths that are the subject of so many Hollywood movies, often called sociopaths: those who are so antisocial that they end up in a parasitic or criminal lifestyle.
Research has now shown that psychopaths have a deficit in their ability to empathize, which leads to a lack of moral judgment.68 They actually enjoy causing fear in others because the fear centers in their brains are dysfunctional, causing the more extreme sociopaths to chuckle when others are scared. The reduced activity in these regions of the brain during fear-provoking situations leads to lax moral behavior.69
While bullying hasn’t been clearly defined as a psychopathic behavior, research shows that bullies also enjoy seeing others in pain. Brain scans show a disruption in the natural empathic response of bullies, which suggests that the rationale behind their cruelty is similar: scaring others provides these individuals with a sense of power.70
And yet, researchers from the Netherlands have recently determined that psychopaths can actually turn empathy on and off, as measured by brain chemistry. They seemed to be able to become empathic when they were told to study others being empathic. This research suggests that psychopaths don’t lack empathy; rather, their empathy is abnormally suppressed.71
What exactly causes psychopathy? The theories include biological nature, genes affected by abusive environments, social forces, natural selection, and brain damage. I believe we must add past-life influences to this list, as I have worked with psychopaths who have been shut down from birth. In addition, I believe that some psychopathic situations are caused by soul fragmentation, the subject of a section appearing later in this chapter. I once worked with a psychopath who had kept his “feeling self” outside his body his entire life because a particular past life had been so traumatic. Once he integrated this part of his soul, he became softer and more caring. However, he also had to work with a therapist to learn how to identify his emotions, as genuine feeling was new to him.
Substance-Related Disorders
Substance-related disorders are extremely common, unfortunately, and we would require a tome to even begin a decent discussion of them. For our purposes, however, we will consider the two main categories of substance-related issues:
- substance abuse, which involves dependence on harmful substances, including alcohol, drugs, nicotine, inhalants, prescription medicines, and more
- substance-induced disorders, which encompass intoxication, withdrawal, and psychiatric syndromes that develop as a result of using a substance
In general, people are considered substance abusers if they continually use a substance despite significant problems caused by its use. Substance abuse and substance-induced disorders can both lead to the development of psychosis, anxiety, and other issues. As well, individuals can use substances to assuage mental illness, childhood abuse, and more.
One of the more serious side effects of addiction (not only to substances but to work, sex, rage, food, and more) is the effect on those in relationship with the addict. One of the chief complaints of loved ones is that the addict shows no empathy; in fact, they don’t seem to even care about their loved ones. The addict is often so self-consumed that they have lost all compassion for others’ needs and the effects their negative behavior has on others.
Research shows that although the addict might care deep inside, their empathy is held hostage by the addiction. They are also frequently unable to recognize or describe their own feelings; in fact, nearly 40 percent of all alcoholics have alexithymia, a psychological syndrome in which the person cannot identify their own feelings. Even after drug rehabilitation, an alcoholic is less empathic than other people, especially in the acute period right after detoxification.
The burning question is whether impaired empathy came before the substance abuse or after—or if both occurred at once. Research shows that callous and unemotional children are at greater risk for antisocial behavior (psychopathic tendencies) and substance abuse. But others say that the lack of empathy can also follow the use of the substances. It does seem that one of the reasons that twelve-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon can be helpful is that empathic skills are relearned through the group experience.72
I have considerable experience in dealing with addicts through my own practice. I have usually found that alcoholics were often highly empathic as children but family circumstances or trauma sidelined the continued development of their empathy. I have worked with several clients who actually used drugs to block their empathic abilities, including all six forms of empathy.
I also believe that substances each run on their own vibrational frequencies and can attract dark energies or entities that continually entice the addict to use the substance. An example is the client I described in appendix 1 who was a crack addict: a voice, not his own, insisted that he get high and plagued him until he used.
I think this sort of shamanic empathy might be latent in many substance abusers, those who unconsciously form a sort of alliance with a negative energy in order to hide from their own inner pain. My opinion is that parents should be taught the various types of empathy and the sensitivities associated with them so they can help their children be protected yet open to their gifts.
Psychotic Disorders
Psychotic disorders are a group of serious illnesses that affect the mind, altering the ability to make effective decisions, think and communicate clearly, behave appropriately, or be emotionally empathic. The best known include the various schizophrenic disorders, which are described here.
Schizophrenic Disorders
Schizophrenic disorders are characterized by difficulty in distinguishing between what is real and unreal, managing emotions, relating to others, and thinking clearly. Some forms of schizophrenia involve hallucinations and similar illusory experiences. Overall, schizophrenia is considered a brain disorder that causes so much blurring between the perception of reality and actual reality that people with the condition often withdraw from the world. Impaired empathy is a component of the condition.
Studies, including one entitled “Schizophrenia Patients Are Impaired in Empathic Accuracy,” show that compared with controls, schizophrenic people show lower empathic accuracy than others. They are often unable to accurately figure out what others are feeling based on their emotional expressions or social cues.73 The seeming lack of empathy doesn’t mean that the schizophrenic cannot be empathic. The Harvard Medical School Family Medical Guide states that people with this condition reveal a full range of emotions, but the paranoia and distrust associated with the condition might cause them to withdraw.74
Some of the less traditional approaches to schizophrenia include seeing it as an acute psychospiritual crisis. Dr. Maureen Roberts, whose doctoral thesis embraces C. G. Jung’s theories, suggests that the condition is caused by personality fragmentation, a loss of the sense of self, and extreme empathy and environmental sensitivity, rather than the opposite, or reduced empathy. She believes it is a soul issue, one that needs to be approached as holistically as possible.75
Revealing the strong association between our physical and psychological selves, yet other research is linking the development of schizophrenia to prenatal infections with influenza, the need for additional vitamins and minerals such as vitamins C and B3, and genetics.76 Environmental factors can also play a role, as can stress, drug abuse, and major life changes. There also seems to be a production of too much dopamine, a neurotransmitter, which can lead to delusions.77
From the point of view of the empathic lens, schizophrenic empathy is indeed a complicated matter. I have frequently worked with schizophrenics and often find that a contributing factor includes shamanic empathy, with a slight twist. The schizophrenics I’ve met or worked with have heard voices, been plagued with intrusive visions, or had the sense of other presences. I believe that early childhood violations or extreme challenges, or sometimes carried-in traumas from past lives, have caused the souls of some of these clients to be halfway out of their bodies.
Imagine that your soul looks like a human being. Your soul’s feet should be all the way in your physical feet. Energetically, in relation to the schizophrenics I’ve worked with, the soles of their souls are at chest level, if not higher, leaving the better part of their souls up and out of the body. Lacking the boundary of physicality, the upper part of the soul is vulnerable to shamanic influences such as entities, and the bottom half to the sympathetic absorption of others’ energies.
I have the sense as well that some of the entities or energies that plague certain schizophrenic individuals might be parts of their own souls. The traditional shaman is a soul healer, often performing healing by finding and reintegrating the fragmented or lost parts of the soul, which might become splintered off from the larger soul because of trauma, tragedy, or even misunderstandings.
The second type of empathy that might affect the schizophrenic condition is spiritual. I have often found that people with schizophrenic tendencies are highly sensitive to others’ spiritual issues. For instance, one of my schizophrenic clients can always tell when someone is lying or being hypocritical. She spends a vast amount of time trying to figure out who is hypocritical and who isn’t. I believe that this sensitivity can be found in many people who are anxious, schizophrenic, or otherwise deemed psychologically unhealthy, and to such an extent that it presents challenges.
The third type of empathic connection that can interfere with a schizophrenic’s life is physical. Because another’s energy can occupy the empty places in the schizophrenic’s body, they can be potentially vulnerable to exhibiting others’ illnesses and problems.
Learning Challenges
Of ever-growing concern are two conditions that hit the media—and our lives—with increasing frequency in regard to empathy. These areas are autism spectrum disorders (ASDs) and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), which we will more fully discuss in this section.
when mirror neurons aren’t enough:
A Reflection on Autism
One of the more heart-wrenching and confusing conditions facing humanity is autism, a disorder that describes a certain set of nonsocial behaviors. Autism is officially given the name autism spectrum disorder, or ASD. ASD is a general term for a group of complex brain disorders that present as difficulties in social interaction and verbal and nonverbal communication challenges. As well, many ASD children have problems with repetitive behaviors such as head banging, intellectual disabilities, motor skill challenges, and sleep and gastrointestinal disturbances, although they often excel in visual skills, music, math, and art.78
One of the most common descriptions of children with autism, as well as those with one of its better-known subcategories, Asperger’s syndrome, is a lack of empathy. Studies actually show that 85 percent of ASD individuals have alexithymia, which involves not just the inability to verbally express emotions but also the inability to identify emotional states in self or others.79 But some researchers, such as autism expert Phoebe Caldwell, suggest that individuals with ASD don’t lack empathy; rather, they are too emotionally sensitive and suppress their emotional facility in order to avoid pain. Thus, the difficulty lies in expressing empathy rather than registering it.80 This tracks with my own experience with ASD, that individuals with this challenge are hyperempathic rather than less empathic. While this issue is critical to resolve, the end result is the same. ASD individuals often have few to no social skills. One of the most crippling effects of this is that they have great difficulty making friends or inviting understanding from others.
There are various theories about the cause of autism and the apparent lack of empathy toward self or other, or at least the access to empathic or compassionate expression. Many studies reveal a problem in the interaction between their mirror neurons (discussed in Chapter 4) and their brain waves. ASD individuals have mirror neurons, but they are effectively cancelled out by a mishap in the brain. This brain wave pattern, called a mu wave, has a frequency range of 8 to 13 hertz. When the mirror activity is high in the premotor centers of the brain, our mu rhythms are repressed—unless we have ASD. In autistic individuals, the mu rhythms are enhanced rather than suppressed when the individuals are performing tasks that typically toggle on the mirror neurons and empathy, thereby inhibiting mirror neuron functioning.81
the active and alert empaths:
About ADHD
Individuals with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder often have poor impulse control and short attention spans. The condition is often linked with other learning issues such as dyslexia and auditory processing difficulties, which cause major learning challenges for the ADHD person. ADHD people, especially those high in the hyperactivity factor, are often seen as low in empathy because they can come across as aloof, self-centered, or so lacking in impulse control that they are offensive to others.
The causes attributed to ADHD include genetics, neurological anomalies, brain chemical imbalance, viral infections, toxins, the mercury in vaccines, food additives, lead poisoning, faulty child raising, and more. Yet other studies are showing that in the case of ADHD, there might be inadequate bonding with the mother, resulting in a disorganized pattern of attachment. Other causes include exposure to trauma, which could involve abuse experienced by the mother when she was pregnant. The subsequent stress in the pregnant mother creates neurological pathways resulting in hypersensitivity and hyperarousal.82 For this reason, certain researchers substitute the word attachment for attention in the name of the disorder.
One outcome for a child whose ADHD might have originated from a challenging family environment is that lacking consistent care from caregivers, he or she might be capable of hurting others without remorse.83 Yet another is that some ADHD people might simply lack social skills.
My experience with ADHD individuals is that they are actually quite empathic, to the point of being very alert and active, but they can lack the ability to regulate their emotions. In fact, I believe that in the case of being raised by an abused and abusive mother, they might awaken their empathy early in order to protect the mother, thus shutting down other parts of their brains. As a case in point, there is currently a trend to change the ADHD title to focus on the auditory processing deficiency aspect, which means that the left brain is challenged to keep up with the right brain. Thus the ADHD person is actually constantly streaming empathic data, especially emotional and intuitive information, but is unable to identify and categorize it quickly enough.
My own son is highly ADHD and dyslexic, and I find him to be one of the most empathic individuals on the planet. When he was four, one of his caregivers said of him, “I am happy to have met one of the world’s greatest humanitarians.” His struggles involve figuring out how to capture everything he senses, feels, and notices, all of which call on his innate natural empathy.
Often, both ASD and ADHD people are highly responsive to animals and other companions. I have perceived an affinity that goes both ways, a bond of trust that easily develops between the learning challenged and the animals, especially intelligent and loving animals such as dogs, horses, and dolphins. We must wonder whether ASD and ADHD are always deficiencies rather than extensions of certain empathic abilities that need to be recognized and cultivated.
A Discussion of Causes of Empathic Impairment
We have already introduced a few of the potential causes for empathic impairment in this chapter. The most standard and classical factors have been these: neurological dysfunctions, brain chemistry anomalies, genetics, microbial infections, attachment disorders, faulty upbringing, inherent personality issues, lack of modeling, digestive issues, additives or other toxic poisoning, and trauma. But I have also mentioned past-life influences, soul wounds or fragmentation, interacting with entities or dark forces, oversympathy, and even experiencing ancestors’ memories.
In this section I want to further explore the less traditional reasons that might underlie empathic impairment, including the nontraditional explanations I just listed. To this I add a handful of other potential causes, including two new areas of scientific study called epigenetics and primary cell theory. We will also expand on our conversation about oversympathy.
Past-Life Influences
Millions of people worldwide believe in reincarnation, the theory that we have been incarnated before this lifetime. While the religions of the Western world tend to scoff at the idea, profound spiritual and religious disciplines including Hinduism, Buddhism, Sikhism, Jainism, and many indigenous populations embrace the idea. There is even evidence in the New Testament that the Hebrew people contemporary to Jesus might have believed in reincarnation.
During an event often labeled by Christians as the Transfiguration, Moses and Elijah, who were long dead, appeared before Jesus and several others on a mountain, as described in the seventeenth chapter of Matthew. The Jewish people had also wondered if Jesus was the return of Moses or Elijah. In reading the Jewish historian Flavius Josephus, we also hear the echo of a belief in reincarnation, with Josephus stating that the souls of good men will return to other bodies, at which point they will have “the power to revive and live again.”84
In relation to emotional impairment, the belief in reincarnation opens another source for the wounds and traumas that can affect our current condition, including those causing impaired empathy. For instance, I once worked with a young man with Asperger’s syndrome. The story I intuitively received was that he was scared to empathize with others because he had witnessed the death of his entire family in a past life. By refusing to connect with loved ones in this life, his soul reasoned that it might be spared equivalent feelings of loss.
In the same vein, I once worked with a man with severe ADHD who had been a medicine man in a past life. Many of the villagers under his charge had died from smallpox. He had felt extraordinarily guilty for not having been able to predict the infection or prevent their deaths and had pledged that he would be hyperaware of others’ needs and issues during his next life so as to prevent a further disaster. And was he ever hyperaware—of everything and everyone! His ADHD calmed down once he released this goal, and he was able to relax into his current life.
I believe past-life traumas are often carried on our souls, which then program our minds, our bodies, and our genes for certain ways of interaction. Thus, I believe our souls can actually influence which genes are turned on and off in our bodies, thereby creating the neurological and chemical conditions for impaired empathy. In a similar way, a successful past life, as it pertains to empathy, can encourage a certain type of empathy.
Soul Fragmentation
Soul fragmentation relates to the theory that illnesses, including emotional and mental ones, can be caused by a split or fragmentation of the soul, the part of us that incarnates lifetime after lifetime to learn about love.
There are many expressions of a fragmented soul. A soul can entirely vacate the body or never completely enter at conception or birth, leaving the person open for possession by negative energies or even occupation by another soul or entity. A soul can also split into two or more parts.
There are several places we can find a soul fragment. A soul part might be stuck in a past life, reexperiencing the loop of a past-life trauma over and over. It can be lost inside another person, held captive by an entity, or hidden inside of a part of our body. As suggested, it might even be dangling outside our body, not too certain that it wants to enter. As related to empathic impairment, soul fragmentation can explain why people are unable to experience empathy or are overly empathic.
For instance, a sociopath might be unable to relate to another person’s needs because a part of their soul is outside rather than inside their body. The externalized part of the soul might contain the sociopath’s emotions and feelings. How can you feel for another what you are unable to feel inside yourself? A depressed person might be holding a piece of someone else’s soul, weighed down by that person’s sadness or anger, feeling guilty because they are unable to make a real difference for them.
We might be plagued by an anxiety disorder because we are missing a vital part of our soul, perhaps an aspect that understands how to protect itself from others, or we may be haunted by schizophrenia because a part of someone else’s soul keeps entering our body and exposing us to its chaotic imaging. No matter what might have happened to this part of us that bridges our humanness to spirit, healing a splintered soul is very similar to healing any other wounded part of ourselves. Having gone through or observed trauma, our soul splits and needs to be gently put back together again, with love being the thread that binds all wounds.
There are many terms for the intrusion and effects of “dark forces,” or invisible beings and energies that can plague us. Common phrases describing various phenomena that can cause harm to or stop our spiritual progression and maturation include spiritual interference, entity hauntings, ghosts, phantoms, ancestral hauntings, spiritual intrusion, or the influence of the dark (dark being a word used generically to name all invisible energies that seek to control us).
Soul fragments are often attached to negative entities, which seek to keep us split so as to better control us. Dark forces can also encourage the use of addictive substances or behaviors to keep us enthralled or disempowered. I believe that dark forces also encourage narcissism, as a person unable to care for others cannot fulfill their spiritual mission. (Our personal calling always includes being of service to others.) If we cannot care for others, a process that requires empathy, the dark forces, rather than the emissaries of the light, are better served.
Sometimes the dark entities encourage overempathy, tipping us into the sympathy zone. If we’re burdened with others’ pains or ills, it’s hard to focus on our own needs and, therefore, our own purpose. It’s hard to fulfill our destiny if we are overwhelmed with energies that are not our own.
In short, almost any empathic impairment can involve the intrusion of dark forces whose ultimate objective is to steal our energy. Why would they do this? Perhaps they are scared of the Divine, the ultimate source of light. They believe that they will be rejected, judged, or thrown into hell. Maybe an entity is itself wounded and afraid of the healing process. Or maybe an entity seeks revenge because that is an easier path through its pain than to be remorseful. For whatever reason, dark intruders can encourage both under- and overempathy in order to seek personal gain.
The Energy of Others:
The Dark Side of Sympathy
As appendix 1 illustrates, we can often be too sympathetic. When our empathic abilities are hyperaroused, we respond quickly to other energies. We can also go a step further and actually take these energies into our body.
I believe one of the most serious questions to ask when dealing with the conditions underlying impaired empathy is this: are we responding to our own energy or someone else’s? While we must take personal responsibility for our own lives and behavior, it is also important to ask ourselves if the basis of our challenges started within or outside ourselves.
For instance, I worked with a man whom a therapist had diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. It’s quite uncommon for narcissists to actually be diagnosed, as they often blame their problems on others in their need to perceive themselves as perfect (often storming out of therapy offices with great panache). However, this man wanted to change.
We discovered that his inner child was in a fetal position deep inside of him, originally injured by parents who fought day and night and literally called him worthless. A further force was imprisoning him as well: his dad’s rage.
The rage my client’s father exhibited during parental screaming matches had taken root inside him. Every time the inner child poked his head out to attempt to connect with others, the dad’s energy would start to yell—and so, too, would my client at the person offering love. My client made true progress with his therapist after we removed his father’s energy.
Epigenetics: The New Gene Theory
Scientists used to believe that genes held the secrets to our behaviors and illnesses. In actuality, though, only about 2 percent of our genetic material is actively working. The other 98 percent is called “junk DNA”—but it isn’t junk. It serves a vital function.
This junk DNA, which mainly consists of viral and other microbial material, is one factor in a chemical soup that switches our genes on and off. The material with this toggling ability is called our epigenetic inheritance or epigene matter.
Depending on what we are exposed to in our environment, the factors in our epigenes can emit various reactions that can suppress or activate certain genes. Some of these epigenes contain the codes of our junk DNA’s microbial history, but they are also infused with our ancestors’ memories. When triggered, viruses, other microbes, or our ancestral memories, feelings, and experiences can cause a chemical reaction in our bodies, which in turn causes our genes to change. Scientists are starting to believe that this epigenetic activity might be behind many challenging issues, including cancer, immune disorders, and even neuropsychiatric disorders such as autism. In fact, nearly all conditions related to empathy can also be based in epigenetic issues, which can suppress or activate the genes controlling our empathic reactions.85
Primary Cell Theory
Dr. Grant McFetridge has developed a revolutionary theory and related therapeutic practice that have made major inroads into healing mental illnesses as serious as schizophrenia. He postulates that at a certain stage of embryonic development, we develop a primary cell that embodies our full consciousness. The seven major organelles, or cellular structures, developed by this stage are, in fact, each linked to a major aspect of self, including our chakras, meridians, and mind.
According to McFetridge, the stage immediately before this primordial cell development is one in which individuals develop the potential for schizophrenia, which is caused by an incomplete integration of the first seven basic cellular structures. In this gap we can be influenced by entity interference, the memories of our ancestors, or even our own past-life issues. Other life issues, including medical challenges (such as those that are linked with impaired empathy), can occur because of epigenetic damage in the primary cell and other cellular damage. Because this cell remains throughout our life, we can still work on it through energetic work and intention.86
Being in Relationship with an Impaired Empath:
What’s It Like?
Many of us have been or currently are in relationships with impaired empaths. While the configurations are endless, one of the most common scenarios is women in relationship with underempathic men.
At the extreme level, these men often display the symptoms of depression, substance abuse, personality disorders, severe ADHD, or even psychopathy. Their female mates are often the opposite: highly empathic and caring. (While the situation can be reversed—an empathic man partnered with an under- or impaired empathic woman, I’m painting the picture from its most typical view.)
Complaints from these women include having partners who constantly berate or ignore them, slight or belittle them, and don’t care about their feelings, especially those they personally hurt. Outsiders constantly wonder why women remain with these men.
One of the reasons is actually genetic. From a neurological point of view, women don’t seem to assess threats well. Instead, the chemicals in their bodies tell them to be more (rather than less) social. This means that a man can be dangerous or cruel and a woman will increase her interactions with him. In general, research shows that women share their own empathic impairment: they are hyperempathic, wired to care about others.87 In my own practice I continually find that women are highly sensitive to the inner wounds in others and often suffer because of it.
For instance, one of my clients, married to a clear sociopath, wouldn’t leave him because she knew he wasn’t whole—a part of him simply wasn’t there. She couldn’t imagine abandoning him the way everyone else had. Yet another of my clients was subjected to continual neglect from a narcissistic boyfriend who also had borderline tendencies. He would break up with her every two weeks or so and then return, spying on her emails to make sure she hadn’t taken up with anyone while he’d been footloose and fancy free. She didn’t want to break up because she could see his wounded inner child, the one abandoned by a narcissistic mother.
I have also worked with men who remain attached to underemotional women. One client stuck with his narcissistic wife despite the fact that she cheated on him half a dozen times. While he said that he didn’t want to disturb their children, the truth was that he was scared of how she would react if he left her. A spiritual empath, he was well aware of her hypocritical nature. Despite the fact that she was religious, he sensed that she would rake him over the coals if he filed for divorce. His predictive sense proved accurate; she battled him in court for two years after he finally left, accusing him of adultery even though she was the guilty party.
Certain overempaths eventually develop their own special syndrome called “caregiver burnout” or “caregiver fatigue.” After professionally or personally caring for ill individuals, including people who are mentally ill, caregivers often close down and withdraw into a cocoon of exhaustion. In fact, one study shows that caregivers of the depressed often begin to mirror those they are helping, assuming the position of being overly responsible and guilty for the other’s depression. They withdraw and sometimes blame the depressives for their troubles. Depression can therefore be seen as contagious, affecting all it touches, even loved ones and mental health caregivers. Overall, individuals who are sensitive to stress or problems in others are more prone to illness, distress, and hardships.88
The other side of the coin relates to individuals in relationship with overempaths or sympathizers, those who often feel controlled, confused, or overwhelmed by their loved one’s sensitivities. To the underempath, or even the so-called normal empath, relating to a strong empath can be challenging.
I once worked with a man who was thinking of divorcing his wife. He swore that they were awake every night till two because she could hear the ghosts in the room. A disbeliever, he didn’t understand what she was talking about. In fact, he pretty much thought she was crazy.
I treated someone else who didn’t know how to handle her daughter, who could talk with animals. This mother was concerned that when her daughter went to school, she would be made fun of if she talked about what the mice in the walls were whispering.
We have just explored the oft-painful landscape of impaired empathy. The truth is that at some point in our lives, we will probably all struggle personally with at least one of the issues involving impaired empathy. And we will find our hearts stretched to capacity by others with concerns reflecting impaired empathy. We needn’t be scarred by these experiences; rather, they are opportunities to embrace our humanity, the very reason empathy is so important. To feel is to heal.