Driving around the Mommy Learning Curve
A SCENIC VIEW OF MY PAST
In 1994, I performed in the TV special Circus of the Stars Goes to Disneyland. It wound up being the final season of the popular celebrity-based reality show (back before watching stars publicly fall on their asses was something we couldn’t live without in every time slot on every channel), and per usual, it was chock-full of corny jokes and hokey antics. Scott Baio was the ringmaster, so that should speak volumes. Nevertheless, I was seventeen at the time and pretty darn excited to be participating in something I’d never dreamed I’d get to do . . . soar through the air on a flying trapeze. I’ll admit it’s one of the cooler things I’ve gotten paid for.
You can sign up to swing on a trapeze rig at some of the all-inclusive tropical resorts out there, but this was a different beast to tackle. I spent months honing my skills for the big debut, and the rehearsals lasted several hours each day, including weekends. It took a lot of hard work to toughen up my hands, incessantly face-plant into a giant net, and persuade my poor seventeen-year-old back that it had a rubber band for a spinal column. And I loved every freaking minute of it. I was proud of my calloused palms, the black-and-blue marks on 90 percent of my body, and the six-pack that rivaled Joey Lawrence’s. Which was seriously saying something! I wore my battle scars like a badge of honor, and I couldn’t wait to leave the Blossom set behind each day so I could go and add to my collection. Also, I had a fairly substantial crush on Shemar Moore, the handsome actor who was learning to walk the tightrope nearby, so that lured me in like an ant to a company picnic. Did I have a chance with the guy? Hell no, but that didn’t keep my imagination from convincing me otherwise.
For the record, Shemar was such a good sport about my infatuation that he graciously agreed to be my date to the Blossom one hundredth–episode party. He was quite the gentleman to a starry-eyed, pimple-faced, romantic of a teenager. Thank you, you sweet man!
But back to my Circus of the Stars appearance. After months of demanding training, it was showtime. All of my family and friends had gathered in the audience to witness me go spinning through the air like a yo-yo being dropped off a ten-story balcony because, as with a car wreck, it’s hard not to look and think, Better you than me.
I was exceptionally amped up, likely on adrenaline and caffeine, a scary combo that made me yammer even faster than I normally did. If that was possible. I was also dolled up in my spiffy sequined leotard, a costume that looked significantly better on my co-flyers, A.J. Langer (My So-Called Life) and Debbe Dunning (Home Improvement). Still, I was all smiles as I took my place on the platform and prepared to launch myself into the circus-tent oblivion. Did I mention it was the first time they were letting us fly without our ropes and harnesses? Talk about pressure.
The first half of our routine went off without a hitch. All of our tricks landed perfectly, thanks to some superb coaching and catching from guys who had made the rounds in real circuses such as Ringling Bros. We were in excellent hands.
But there was one trick on the agenda that had me apprehensive, and it was quickly approaching. From what my trainers had told me, I’d been hired for the trapeze because I was compact and easy to throw. This translated to “Let’s give Jenna all the hard stuff that requires tossing her around like a cobb salad.” The mother of them all was called a seat roll, and it consisted of my climbing into a seated position on the trapeze bar itself. I would then fling myself backward, underneath the bar, and get caught by the dude with beefy muscles who was dangling upside down on the other end of the rig. Sounds simple, right?
Wrong. This thing had been the bane of my existence, and there had been talk of not letting me do the stunt at all on show night. But I can be a determined little rascal when I want to be, and I was adamant about proving I could manage it. Which, of course, backfired on me big-time. When I went for the trick, the audience gasped as I narrowly missed the catcher’s hands and plummeted to the net below.
Strike one.
I ascended the ladder like an angry elf being stung by a nest of hornets and told my trainer I needed to try it again. I’ll be damned if I was going out that way! Scott Baio made some sort of comment regarding being on the edge of his seat (yes, Scott, I’m sure I had you simply reeling), and I jumped off the platform. Yet again, I missed the catcher by inches and fell to the net below.
Sure that there were rumors of my acrobatic incompetence spreading through the audience like pink eye, I gathered up my dignity (what was left of it) and ascended the ladder like an even angrier elf being stung by an even bigger nest of hornets.
As I stomped my way up the rungs, my trainer called up to me, “Do you have another one in you?”
I looked him squarely in the eye. “Martine, I’ve got a hundred more in me.” I’m not entirely sure that didn’t pass for more of a threat than a promise, but Martine went with it. I’m nothing if not stubborn. This time, when I launched myself off of the trapeze bar, my hands hit my catcher’s wrists with a loud thwack. It was one of the most beautiful sounds I’d ever heard. Take that, you doubting sons of bitches! (Which, I suspect, referred to me alone.)
CUT TO . . .
If mastering the art of trapeze entails swinging from a horizontal bar and trusting someone to catch you on the other end, then mastering motherhood is equivalent to flinging yourself off of the Seattle Space Needle without a bungee cord.
MY CRADLE CHRONICLES
Having a baby doesn’t mean the secrets of the universe are instantly at your fingertips, so get ready for Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride! Getting educated about babies, and all the new adventures they bring along with them, can be more unnerving than learning to drive stick in New York City traffic. I’m sure you’ve already been enlightened about some of what you have to look forward to in the first twelve months of being a mommy, but what’s the truth and what’s a myth? Let’s see if we can clear a few things up.
FACT VS. FICTION: THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN
I’ve compiled some of the comical impressions and expectations I’ve heard other first-time moms confess. And yeah . . . a few of these came out of my mouth too. Sometimes more than once.
Love will make your world go ’round.
Myth: You’ll feel an immediate bond with your child the second he comes out of the womb.
Truth: You may or may not feel an instantaneous and deep connection with the little guy that’s taken over your breasts and your ability to get some shut-eye. You will, however, love him! An immediate emotional attachment doesn’t necessarily equate to immediate bonding, and you may spend a few hours (or days or weeks) working toward that relationship. But think about it: did you instantly bond with every single important person in your life? Some of the individuals I’m closest to, including the man I married, weren’t even on my radar when we initially met. Most women think they’re supposed to feel overcome with profound intimacy from the moment they lay eyes on their child. This isn’t always the case, courtesy of sleep deprivation, the intensity of the birth experience, and the process of adapting to life with a baby in general. Give yourself and the little guy time. It will happen, I promise!
The poop scoop
Myth: Kids want to have their diaper changed because it doesn’t feel good when it’s dirty.
Truth: Kids may not want a messy diaper, but that doesn’t mean they’ll let you put on a clean one. Changing a baby’s diaper is like trying to fit a monkey for a tuxedo. (Minus, I hope, the wild jumping while throwing feces.) Kids squirm, wiggle, writhe, twist, and contort, and every mother should have a full-time baby wrangler as her sidekick. But unless you have a nanny or live-in help—you lucky bastard—you probably don’t have someone to hold your child down while you prevent poop from working its way into every crevice imaginable. You know what luxury moms should have? A baby bidet installed at every changing station.
Upchuck upheaval
Myth: Spit-up means your child is sick, and a lot of spit-up means your baby must not be getting enough food.
Truth: I mention puking a lot in this book, but the fact is that vomit and spit-up are two totally different beasts. Spitting up is completely normal, even in healthy infants, and doesn’t necessarily indicate a problem. Your baby doesn’t have colic just because she spits up. (This was a big question of mine, and it seems to be a pretty common misconception.) I’ve learned there can be copious amounts of spit-up and, like the Energizer Bunny, sometimes it just keeps going and going and going. Is it fun to clean up? Meh, not so much. Is it dangerous for your baby? Apparently not if she’s still her smiling and happy self. My understanding is that anything that’s forceful enough to look like your kid just finished a beer bong tournament is something to call the doctor about.
Rub-a-dub-dub, pissed-off baby in the tub
Myth: Babies love bath time because it reminds them of being in the womb.
Truth: The initiation bath can be slightly traumatic for some infants, so expect some screaming. A bath takes baby out of the comfort of your embrace and into very waterlogged foreign territory. And since your baby can’t sit up by himself yet, the tub is slippery, awkward, and spacious. Even a little infant tub looks like a football stadium to a newborn!
As a side note, pay attention to the last time your baby had a notable poop before endeavoring to bathe him. Warm water tends to loosen the bowels. This is a wonderful help if your baby is gassy or constipated, but not such a great help when you decide to hold him in your arms to apply the newborn shampoo. I have video, if you’re interested.
You’re getting sleepy . . .
Myth: You’ll get so used to sleepless nights that you’ll start looking forward to those 2:00 a.m. infomercials from the twin dwarf real estate tycoons.
Truth: That’s wishful thinking. There’s nothing easy about waking up at all hours, and it doesn’t get easier just because you’re willing it to. Being kept up all night long by a hungry baby is always challenging, and even Dunkin’ Donuts isn’t capable of brewing enough coffee to fix it. The most important lesson I learned? Nap when your baby naps, regardless of what you have on your daily to-do list. The laundry can wait. Do I actually think you’ll do this? Not a chance. I despised the people who gave me the same advice when my daughters were little, because I knew it was such a pipe dream. That’s the only time you’ll have to complete your work, mail out thank-you notes, wash your hair, or watch the season finale of Castle. And if you want to read another book before the year 3027, you’ll be lucky to close your eyes for five minutes without twitching and buzzing like the neon sign at a roadside diner. In theory, it’s a lovely idea. In reality, it’s guilt-inducing. And yet I go back to . . . scrap the guilt and nap when your baby naps. Even if you hate me for saying it.
The crying game
Myth: You’ll get used to hearing your child cry, and at some point it will no longer faze you.
Truth: Hearing your child cry is more agonizing than listening to someone scrape fork tines across a dinner plate with their left hand, as the fingernails of their right hand scratch a chalkboard, while Fran Drescher sings a lullaby into a cheap karaoke mic. It isn’t that it’s annoying, as my ridiculous analogy might suggest, but rather it stirs something emotional inside you that’s tough to ignore. When my daughters cry, it hurts my heart like nothing else, even if those tears stem from an overly dramatic demand for attention or frustration over an unreasonable request I’ve had to turn down, such as cupcakes for breakfast. There’s just nothing comfortable about seeing those sad little eyes well up. The nose scrunches, the lip quivers, and suddenly your instinct is to wrestle the stars down from the sky, if need be.
Basic instincts
Myth: Birth will automatically make your maternal instincts surface.
Truth: I believe every woman has maternal instincts. That said, for some individuals that instinct is gathering dust on a shelf in a long-forgotten storage unit somewhere. I talk a lot about instincts in this book, and I feel it’s important not to confuse maternal instincts with your basic instincts or your new-mom anxieties. For instance, your basic instinct might be to panic at the sight of blood, while your maternal instinct is to remain calm for the sake of your child. Maternal instincts don’t always kick in immediately; they can take time to gain solid ground . . . you know, like once you finally get more than two hours of sleep in a row. You may spend some time being clueless about how to hold your newborn, how to change diapers, what to do if your child gets hurt, or how to balance life in general. And that’s perfectly okay; even moms with kick-ass maternal instincts feel that way sometimes. Instincts aren’t errorless, and they aren’t always easy to spot beneath the fatigue and tension.
The single most important lesson I’ve learned is to trust my own instincts. It sounds painfully obvious, but in a world plagued by social media frenemies and an excess of Internet information to sift through, it’s easy to look everywhere else but inside of yourself for information. Even if you don’t feel you were destined to be a mom, or born with a built-in mommy gene, have a little faith in yourself. Some of the best moms I know initially thought they weren’t cut out for it.
Outlaw the input?
Myth: You should listen to every piece of advice you’re given and file it away for future use.
Truth: Everybody will want to give you an opinion, but you’re the only person who knows how to raise your child. You have to filter through the guidance and do your own soul-searching. Do you really think your bank teller is the best individual to help you decide whether to try an external cephalic version procedure for your breech baby? Is the clerk at JCPenney the most experienced person to explain why you should or shouldn’t vaccinate your children? For that matter, is an actress from a popular ’90s TV show the gal you should rely on for all of your parenting education? Listen with a kind ear and an open mind, then go follow your gut and the advice of the medical professionals you trust.
A damsel in stress
Myth: You won’t have any anxiety after you’ve gotten used to having a baby around.
Truth: Ha! Good luck with that. The stress doesn’t end; it just changes course. Worrying over whether or not your son is ever going to take to breastfeeding gets replaced by concerns over him crawling into sharp corners. Next thing you know, you’ll be worrying that he’s failing geometry and hooking up with girls in the school supply closet. It’s all relative.
Motherhood vs. martyrhood
Myth: You can do it all on your own.
Truth: Excuse me while I fish out my Martyr-of-the-Year Award for you. I know it’s in a box here somewhere . . . No, wait. I just remembered I had to forfeit that distinction when I finally admitted I couldn’t take care of a newborn, shuttle a two-year-old back and forth to extracurricular activities, make all the family meals, clean the house, wrangle five dogs, and write two blogs and a book simultaneously. Sometimes the strength is in admitting you need a little help from those who offer.
Frustration station
Myth: Moms aren’t allowed to get frustrated or feel overwhelmed, so you should suck it up.
Truth: We’re only human; it happens. If you feel so engulfed in frustration that you can’t see straight, it’s okay to walk away. Please don’t misunderstand—I’m not saying leave your kid on the floor unsupervised and head to the nearest pub. In fact, I’m not in any way suggesting you should leave the house. Make sure your child is in a safe place such as his crib or playpen, then walk into the next room, take a few deep breaths, and allow yourself a moment to regroup.
I’ve spoken to the parents of babies that had such bad colic they screamed for sixteen hours straight. As much as the parents felt for their child, they couldn’t deny that it took its toll on them too. Sometimes the situation gets so heartbreaking and distressing that you’ll need a few minutes of peace and quiet to refocus your energy and spirit.
There will also be challenging moments during which your child will refuse to listen, and it will take every ounce of strength to keep your anger in check (wait until year three!). Again, it’s okay to leave the room and compose yourself. I promise this is better than any alternative that might involve taking things out on your child. Even moms need a time-out every now and again, so don’t let anyone make you feel like it’s abnormal. Just because you get fed up with your child’s behavior during an exceptionally trying circumstance doesn’t mean that you have abusive tendencies, your kid is bad, or you’re an awful parent. We all get frazzled . . . How you handle yourself and your child is the true test.
Errant errands
Myth: Once you’ve healed from giving birth, running errands will be a breeze again.
Truth: Healing may be the least of your worries. On average, it takes longer to pack your kid and her accessories into the car than it does to run the errand itself. Triple that if you have twins or two kids under the age of four.
À la carte
Myth: You can easily stow an infant car seat in the seat of a shopping cart.
Truth: If you precariously balance the baby seat in the front basket of your shopping cart, you run the risk of it toppling over with baby inside. If you put it in the main portion of the cart, you can fit nary a string bean alongside it. If you push the cart with your left hand and a stroller with your right, you’ll feel like you’re in a Penn & Teller juggling act. The solution? Wear baby in a sling or carrier, or put the car seat in the main portion of the cart and refrain from buying more items than will fit around it. Or simply send your husband on the errand and skip the drama altogether. I tend to fancy the latter.
You can’t save time in a baby bottle.
Myth: Time flies when you have kids.
Truth: Time doesn’t just fly; it hurtles through space at a speed that mocks you and puts you on the express train to shuffleboard and prune juice at the senior home.
The art of distraction
Myth: Distraction is a magic trick parents exploit when they don’t want to deal with answering their kid’s fiftieth “But why?” or “Are we there yet?”
Truth: Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Make distraction your friend and ally for as long as you can possibly get away with it! There will come a time when your child is ready to start exploring the world beyond his changing table, and he’ll begin testing fun things like electrical sockets. Hopefully you’ve already installed outlet covers on those; it’s never too early. Distractions can eventually keep your daughter from watching The Little Mermaid for the ninetieth time in a row (if you’re lucky) or your son from smearing peanut butter on the toilet seat. At least you hope it’s peanut butter.
Kid pro quo
Myth: Kids will do what you tell them to.
Truth: Are you high? No, really. Are you?
Cock of the walk and talk
Myth: Early walking and/or talking means your kid is smarter than the average bear.
Truth: Your kid may be gifted and smarter than the average bear, but it doesn’t mean he’s smarter than all his peers. There’s no way to gauge it based on when he hits those milestones, so you may not want to enroll him in Mensa just yet.
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to work you go.
Myth: You’ll eventually find it’s easy to leave your kid behind when you go to work.
Truth: Leaving for work may get easier, but it certainly won’t be easy. Our children are part of us, and it sucks to leave them in someone else’s hands, no matter how trusted they are. Unless you are an emotionless robot, chances are you will always find it tough to bid farewell to your baby. Even if it’s a necessity, and even if she gives you that gap-toothed grin, waving her chubby fingers, and saying, “I love you, Mommy!” Okay, especially if she’s saying, “I love you, Mommy!” Those little guys sure know how to tug on our sappy heartstrings.
Dawdling mama = day care drama
Myth: When your child is old enough to attend day care, you can start thinking about enrolling him.
Truth: Who knew you had to register for preschool while your child was still in the womb? This may depend on location, but I found it was harder to get on the list for day care than the list for an LA red-carpet event. I didn’t want to believe this when friends first told me, and I figured I was going to be a stay-at-home mom anyway, so why stress? When my work schedule picked up and I started realizing my daughter was in desperate need of some independence and social time as well, I was up a creek without child care.
One good learn deserves another.
Myth: You’ll teach your child everything.
Truth: You’ll teach your kids a lot, but they’ll teach you more.
TALES FROM THE DARK SIDE
As much as I joke around, there are definitely aspects of motherhood that aren’t quite as lighthearted and cheery. I think it’s important to recognize some of the less glamorous sides of parenting . . . because weren’t you already feeling so elegant while wiping baby bottoms and being handed boogers? Let’s blow the doors open on this one, shall we?
Reach out and touch someone.
Myth: Motherhood is challenging only until you get the hang of it.
Truth: I’m broaching a bit of a sensitive subject here, but I think it’s important to debunk the myth that the threat of feeling overwhelmed is over once you’re no longer considered a new mom. There’s a lot of talk out there about mothers who get severely depressed in their first few months of bringing baby home. The term postpartum depression has become a common topic of discussion in the mommy community. Many women who felt completely isolated before finally feel comfortable speaking up and getting help, thanks to the demystification and attention the issue has gotten. I think that’s an incredible breakthrough! But we still have a long way to go; our battle isn’t won.
While more new mommies are feeling like they can seek assistance and openly talk about it, what about the women who aren’t hit with depression until later in their motherhood journey? Feeling overwhelmed and defeated can happen at any time. I think we should be honest about the fact that parenting can be difficult and stressful no matter what stage of it you are tackling.
Maybe you’ll find the early years easy but the teenage years will make you question every prior decision you’ve ever made. Maybe you’ll hit a rough patch when your kids are in middle school and you’ll secretly cry every night because you’re worried you’re failing them.
The fact is, at some point we all feel a little daunted by parenthood. It doesn’t necessarily mean we’re clinically depressed or in need of medication, though I encourage you to seek help if you feel you can’t handle it on your own. Parenting is rife with trials and tribulations; there will be phases that seem effortless and phases that make you want to find the nearest blunt object so you can bang your head against it.
You may never be afflicted with clinical depression, but I’d rather see us all maintain an open line of communication when the going gets tough. New moms aren’t the only ones who need love, support, encouragement, reassurance, and close friends to confide in. If you experience periods that are emotionally grueling, don’t go through them alone.
Little Mister & Miss Perfect?
Myth: You will feel your kids are perfection every minute of every day, simply because they are yours.
Truth: You won’t always like your kids. You’ll love them no matter what—even if they practice their alphabet on your bedroom wall with permanent markers or spill soda all over your laptop. Loving them despite their mistakes, whether those mistakes are accidental or not, is the easy part. But you may have moments where you don’t like your children very much, and that’s okay; there’s a vast difference between the two. You can love your child every minute of every day and wholeheartedly know they are a blessing from God, while still acknowledging that sometimes you wish you could be beamed to a sandy dune in Bali where you can freely sip mai tais until your kid’s temper tantrum subsides. Or until your husband comes home from work and provides some parenting reinforcement so you don’t have to be the bad guy all the time.
Fake it ’til you make it.
Myth: All of the other moms you know are doing fine; you’re the only one who is struggling.
Truth: Everyone has to adjust to parenting, and everyone has moments of sheer, tear-your-hair-out insanity over it. Anyone who says different is lying either to you or to themselves! Just keep taking those baby steps, and tell yourself you’re doing fine. One of these days you might just believe it!
The blessing of “sacrifice”
Myth: You can have it all, without making concessions.
Truth: Kids are more than worth it, but adjustments to your lifestyle will have to be made. Constantly. Having children can turn your world upside down, and not everyone goes into parenthood with realistic expectations of that. Babies don’t simply slide into your way of life and grow accustomed to your schedule. A new baby brings new priorities, and I can only hope that’s a challenge you are eagerly anticipating.
I’m the last person to suggest you can’t maintain being a parent and a career woman simultaneously, because I’d like to think I’m managing to do that right at this very moment. And I’m enjoying the hell out of it! But it requires a careful weighing of priorities. My husband and I have found our own sense of equilibrium with what feels appropriate to us and to our children. You will too, and sometimes that might mean an unconventional game plan. Every now and then you’ll miss a ball game or a ballet lesson. Other times, you might forfeit a work luncheon, a meeting, or a conference in Boca Raton. I can’t tell you not to feel guilty, because I still have no idea how to let myself off the hook. It’s one of those parenting secrets I just haven’t mastered yet.
I once read a quote by Chris Rock that said, “When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they’re crazy, because ‘sacrifice’ implies that there was something better to do than being with your children.” In some ways I agree with his statement, because I believe having children is an honor, pleasure, privilege, and reward. I would always rather be with my kids too! But that doesn’t mean the choices that have to be made are always easy ones.
Learning to find balance can, in fact, be a juggling act; I don’t think that term should automatically be seen as a derogatory one! That’s just the reality of it: sometimes you have to find a way to devote quality time to both your kids and your other responsibilities in order to give everything and everyone the attention they deserve. You will surrender certain aspects of your current lifestyle. You will have to be less selfish. You will have to make tough decisions that make you feel like you’re between a rock and a hard place. But I hope you will also love every minute of the exciting adventure!
THE MORAL OF MY STORY
Sometimes nine months of preparation for parenthood leads to one giant belly flop after another. I’ve learned it’s all in how we forge ahead. There’s no way to “conquer” parenting, and the knowledge isn’t going to be magically absorbed into our systems through osmosis. The education will continue no matter how old our kids are, because every age brings unique experiences along with it. Expect to make mistakes, and then expect your children to tattle on you to anyone who will listen. Because kids are generous and forgiving like that.