CHAPTER EIGHT
Reaching Our Prodigals
In a conversation with a native of northern Canada some years ago, he described for me the unusual behavior of a bull moose. He said the 1,800-pound animals are made crazy by testosterone and are enraged by anything that enters their territory. When passions are at their peak, and receptive cows are in the neighborhood, it is not uncommon for the beasts to charge anything that moves, even the engines of freight trains as they rumble down the track. Antlers, flesh, hooves, and steel meet head-on in violent collisions. The moose usually lose those encounters, but they don’t live long enough to learn anything from the experience.
By a stretch of my fertile imagination, even with tongue in cheek, I see a linkage between the behavior of hotheaded moose and some kids I’ve known. I’ve called them “strong-willed children,” and they can be tough as nails. From birth or shortly thereafter, they seem to relish conflict with their parents. There’s something about being able to irritate and defy powerful adults that whets their appetite for excitement.
In keeping with our theme, we’re going to talk in this chapter about the adolescent experience, and especially sons or daughters who are rebellious during that time. They often reject everything their parents have taught and stood for, which has profound spiritual implications for the young person. Clearly, those who are old enough to “sew wild oats” are at particular risk. The way parents react during these times of confrontation can either pull back the prodigal, or drive them farther away. This chapter will address some of those perils and opportunities.
First, I would like for you to read a real-life story about a prodigal son whose mother and father shared it on our Family Talk radio and Internet programs. There was a greater response from our listeners to these broadcasts than any in the history of the ministry. Obviously, many parents have dealt with kids who have been extremely difficult to raise. If you are one of those harassed parents or grandparents, pay attention, because this is for you.
With us were Mitch and Windsor Yellen. Their middle child, Zach, who was in Spain during these recordings, granted permission for his parents to discuss his experience. Also with us for the interview was our physician-in-residence and co-host of our broadcast, Dr. Meg Meeker. Ryan Dobson, my son and also a co-host of Family Talk, was with us, too. I think you will find this interchange inspirational and informative.
What you are about to read is true. The text has been edited somewhat to change it from the spoken to the written language.
JCD: We have some new friends here today that I want to introduce to our listening audience. They are Mitch and Windsor Yellen, and they own what looks like a castle here in Colorado Springs. It is called the Pinery. Describe it for us, Mitch.
Mitch: Well, The Pinery is an all-inclusive wedding and event center that provides banquets for our patrons. It includes a Five Diamond restaurant and a private club that overlooks the city. It’s rather like what Ronald Reagan said about America. He called it “a shining city on a hill.” That, we might say, is The Pinery.
JCD: That’s a good description. Windsor, I’m going to ask you to take the lead in telling your family story. Tell us first about your children.
Windsor: We have a daughter and four sons, and we’ve been married for twenty-nine years. Zachariah is the middle child. He graduated from high school in 2010 and went to Colorado State University that September as a freshman. He came home for Thanksgiving and asked Mitch and me to sit and talk with him about something serious. Then he said he was failing all of his classes. To say that we were disappointed would be an understatement.
JCD: You were paying all of his school bills…
Windsor: Yes, we were. I asked Zach if it was too late to withdraw so that his bad grades wouldn’t go on his permanent transcript. He didn’t know the answer, but said that he would ask the next day. So I said, “Zachariah, I also want you to go to the registrar’s office and withdraw from school and then take all of the things out of your dorm. Turn in your keys and come back home to Colorado Springs.”
Zach did that. This was the day before Thanksgiving.
Windsor: No, he’d been pretty easy. He had lettered in two varsity sports. He was the kicker for the football team and the goalie for the soccer team. He had decent grades at a tough high school. Actually, he was always a sweet-natured child. He was helpful. His middle name is Benjamin, and in Hebrew that means, “right-hand man.” That really did describe Zach. If you were having problems with electronic devices, he generally knew how to help. That’s why we were surprised when he did poorly in school.
JCD: His personality must have changed radically. Is that right, Mitch?
Mitch: It is. We were not fully aware at the time that he was doing drugs. We just knew that there was a darkness in his spirit. It was like a light being dimmed. I hear that from other parents of kids on drugs. They ask, “Where did my son go?”
JCD: Was he drinking and smoking and running around with the wrong crowd?
Mitch: Yes, and there was nothing we could really do about it.
Windsor: When he came back to Colorado Springs right before Thanksgiving Day, Zach didn’t come home that night or return my calls to his cell. He was very rebellious. I was awake through the night praying and asking God for wisdom. I was also crying a lot and saying, “Lord. I’m scared for my son. I don’t know what to do. I just need more wisdom than I have.”
Mitch and I were getting up every morning and praying together, but I wasn’t able to get any restful sleep. So after a couple of nights of not returning my calls, I said, “Zachariah, you cannot live here if you are going to rebel against the rules of our house.” I said, “It’s one thing to rebel, but when it’s right in my face, I would rather pray for you and put you in God’s hands.” It was terrifying to me.
JCD: I understand Zach had two younger siblings who were watching their brother. You were concerned about them, too.
Windsor: Yes. Abraham and Eli were watching. And it was tough. The next day, he didn’t honor his curfew. He showed up the next afternoon when I was in his bedroom. I was furious and troubled at the same time. I wanted to scream at him, but I was able to control my anger and I said, “You have to go.”
JCD: And you were very hurt.
Windsor: Yes. Very hurt. I took it personally. But I remember one of the things I learned from you was not to threaten something that I wasn’t going to do. I didn’t say, “If you do this again I’ll kill you,” because obviously I wouldn’t do that. But I did ask him to leave.
So I was in his bedroom and I started pulling things out of his drawer and setting them on the floor. And I said, “Anything you leave behind I’m going to give away, and I’m going to turn your room into a guest room.”
I was that upset. And he said, “You’ll never do that.” And I said, “Zachariah, you need to go.” At one point I looked at Zach and said, “If you’re going to ruin your life, I’m not going to watch.” I turned off his cell phone and took away the keys to his car. Then I walked him to the front door and shut it behind him. I watched him from the front window. He went to the end of the driveway and then waited. I started crying and praying, and I saw a friend pick him up and they drove away.
JCD: Was that the most difficult moment of your life?
Windsor: It was the second most difficult. The most stressful was on Christmas Day, a month later.
Mitch: We let him come home on Christmas Eve, and we had a wonderful dinner at a good restaurant. We gave him a curfew that night, but he never came home.
Windsor: The next day was Christmas. I was making dinner and I was very sad. It was just a horrible feeling hanging over all of us. The five of us all missed him. We didn’t know what was going on because he didn’t have his phone. And he didn’t have his car.
Then, the doorbell rang. I went to the door and the rest of the family was leaning over my right shoulder. There was Zach. And I said, “Zachariah, are you ready to obey the rules of this house?”
He said, “No. I just came to see what you got me for Christmas.” And I said, “Nothing. God bless you.” And I shut the door. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. I felt like I was going to be sick.
JCD: To send your son away, whom you had brought into the world, and to do it on Christmas Day had to have been heart-wrenching. You had tried to teach him about the Lord and thought he had accepted and understood what that meant. But then Zach showed up at the door just to see what you had bought him. That was disrespectful and cruel. Obviously, Zach was saying that he had no intention of following your leadership, and that he was going to continue using drugs and defying the rules of the house. That must have been devastating to you both.
Windsor: It was that and more. Zach admitted that he was smoking, drinking, and taking pills. I didn’t know what else he was doing, but he was just not the same person.
JCD: What happened next?
Windsor: My boys looked at me and said, “You are so mean—it’s Christmas Day. You are so mean.”
I ran up to my bedroom and went into the closet. I cried like I can’t ever remember crying before, and I said, “Lord, I need your help. I just need help.” Eventually, I came out and washed my face, and of course, it was swollen and I had red eyes. I came downstairs and it was literally the worst Christmas dinner in the history of the world. I was sniffling and tear-stained. My kids and Mitch were so sad. We were just sitting there, and no one felt like eating. It was just awful.
JCD: Mitch, did you also think at that time that Windsor was the meanest woman in the world?
Mitch: Oh, no! I knew she was right. But I was the parent who didn’t have the courage to respond properly. I didn’t want to see Zach just walk out the door, so I asked him, “Where can I drop you off?” He wanted me to take him to a neighborhood I didn’t recognize. When he got out of the car, I told him I loved him and that I’d be praying for him. I just had to trust God at that point.
JCD: Windsor, you really didn’t know if you’d ever see your son again.
Windsor: I didn’t, and I knew his behavior was dangerous. When Zach was a little guy and we gave him Superman or Batman jammies, he jumped off the back of the sofa with his arms stretched out. He landed on the hardwood floor and knocked himself out because he thought he could fly. He was a daredevil and he took chances. I knew that he would take risks out there on his own, and that scared me, too.
JCD: Well, continue with the story. What happened next?
Windsor: The following week, Mitch and I kept praying and fasting together and asking God for direction. We believed He had a plan for Zach and that His hand was on him. Our prayer has been that he would come home and apologize and straighten up. But he couldn’t continue to drink and do drugs and be rebellious and irresponsible. We decided to make no contact with our son. I even had the locks changed so that Zach couldn’t sneak in and help himself to whatever was there. That was a very tough time and I just depended on the Lord to get us through it.
JCD: I admire you, Windsor. You are a very courageous lady. You did the right thing, but I don’t know many mothers who could have remained firm at a time like that. It must have torn your heart out.
Windsor: The afternoon of New Year’s Day, Zach knocked on the door. He was very somber and he said, “Mom, I will do whatever you ask. May I please come back to the house?” And I said, “Yes. You can come in as long as you obey the rules.”
That was in January, and from then until August he worked for The Pinery catering. He drove a van, getting up sometimes at four thirty or five in the morning, putting on a uniform, and delivering food. He sometimes fell asleep sitting straight up on our sofa after coming in at night. He was exhausted. His job required heavy lifting and hard work. Catering is not for the faint of heart. It’s precise and there are many people to please.
JCD: Was he playing by the rules at that point?
Windsor: Well, yes, but he kept asking, “What do I have to do to go back to college so that you will pay for it? What do I have to do so you will trust me?”
I wasn’t really sure what to tell him. At two a.m. I went to the family room downstairs because I couldn’t sleep. I was sitting at our desktop computer and I said, “Lord, could you please send me an e-mail? Could you make it plain? I’m a broken human being, and I want so much to do the right thing. But I don’t know what the right thing is. I need help.”
I went to the Google search bar, and I typed in something absurd. I think it was “help for rebellious children who won’t listen to their parents.” Right across the screen came the letters, NOLS, which stood for “National Outdoor Leadership School.” They take students to places all over the world, for college credit or not, and the campers were as young as fifteen years old. It’s for young people who want to learn about the outdoors. They also take kids who are struggling away from friends who are a bad influence—and put them in the wilderness. One of their programs was in the Rocky Mountains, beginning in Lander, Wyoming. It started in September and offered sixteen units of college credit. They would be gone until the first part of December.
Zach would be in the Rocky Mountains with thirteen of his “closest friends”—meaning people he didn’t know—with three leaders. Each participant carried a fifty-five-pound pack, but could take no drugs, no cigarettes, no alcohol, no laptop, and no phone. It was just Zach and the wilderness. So I told him, “If you will complete and finish that wilderness program properly, and you won’t drop out, and you do get the credits, Dad and I will trust you with another semester at CSU.”
Zach agreed and worked at The Pinery until time to leave. He was supposed to have quit smoking and begin running and lifting weights to get in shape. He needed to buy his boots early and wear them often. Zachariah went to REI one week before he left and bought his boots. He never ran once. He didn’t quit smoking until he put the last cigarette out right before he went through the doors to meet his leader. He didn’t really prepare himself at all.
Two weeks before he was supposed to leave, he didn’t come home one night. He had been doing so well. Mitch and I woke up at six a.m. and began to pray because he wasn’t in his bedroom. He had a friend down the road, so we drove to his house. Zach’s car was parked in front. We just stretched our hands out toward the house and prayed for him.
Mitch: I got a call from Zach at about three thirty in the afternoon saying, “Dad, I think I need to go to the emergency room.” And I said, “What’s going on?” He started describing an injury to me. It didn’t sound all that bad so I told him, “Well, just go ahead and call your mom, honey. I’m in a meeting.” If it was an emergency I told him I would come, so he called his mother.
Windsor: I said, “Zach, do you need stitches?” And he said, “Well I was on my long board last night on Cresta Road, and I was crouching down and I hit a pothole.” And he said, “I think I need some stitches in my forearm.”
I said, “Okay, honey, well how many stitches?” And he said, “I don’t know. I wrapped a T-shirt around my arm and the blood stuck to it. If I pull it off it will really hurt.”
I got home and he basically told me what he had been doing. He was on a long board, and he had one leg up and one leg down.
JCD: Ryan, help us understand. Is that a big skateboard?
Ryan: It is.
Mitch: Zach was going about thirty-five miles per hour.
Windsor: The accident happened at two a.m. He was “loaded” and the front right part of the board hit the pothole. He put out his right elbow and it took all of the force of his fall. It was the most horrendous wound. I took his forearm and put it over the sink and soaked it. He was sitting on a stool, and he wouldn’t even look at it. He said, “Mom, it’s making me sick.”
I took a peek and I could see his bone and the tendons, and it was really ugly. And so I told him, “Okay, buddy, we are going to Memorial Hospital.” I put him in the car and started praying.
We got to the hospital and we waited a long time in Emergency. Then they took him into one of the triage rooms, and the doc came in and immediately started scrubbing all of the road rash and debris out of the wound.
JCD: Rocks and dirt and…
Windsor: … and tar. It was just hideous. That kind of injury would normally have made me sick, but it didn’t because I was focused on Zach. The doctor was making small talk with him and he asked, “What are your plans?”
Zach said, “Well, in two weeks I’m going to the National Outdoor Leadership School in Lander, Wyoming, for three months in the wilderness.”
The doctor said flat out, “Oh, no, you’re not!” And Zach said, “Oh, yes, I am.” And the doctor said, “Do you want to lose your arm? This is a really bad wound. You need to let it heal, and you could lose your entire arm if it gets infected.” Then he said, “I need to get some more sutures, I will be back in a minute.”
It was just Zachariah and me in the room. He isn’t a crybaby—he’s a tough guy—but he looked at me. He cursed under his breath and then one huge tear rolled down his cheek.
JCD: Is that the first time you have seen him cry since he grew up?
Windsor: Yes. Zach said, “I can’t believe I did this to myself.” And I said, “Zachariah, you will go on that trip.” And he said, “I don’t believe that.” I said, “Well, I have enough faith for the two of us.”
Two seconds later his dad came through the door and said almost exactly what I had said. He looked right at Zach and said, “You will go. God will close that wound, and you will go.”
Mitchell just prayed “heaven” down, and took his hand and told him how much he loved him. He told Zach that God had a future and a hope for him, and that it was not over.
Zach told us that moment in the hospital was the turning point for him.
JCD: The reason that experience made such an impact on Zach, as I interpret it, is because he saw his mom and dad’s compassion. He knew you loved him, even though he didn’t deserve it—and even though he had thrown your efforts to help him back in your faces. He had violated everything you had taught him and took drugs that were harming his body. Despite all that, he recognized that his mom and dad were still on his team. That is love.
Windsor: You’re right. For two weeks he didn’t leave the house. He said he quit taking drugs but couldn’t give up cigarettes because he was addicted to them. He said he tried to slow down a little because he knew that soon he wouldn’t have cigarettes in the wilderness. A couple weeks later, we piled into the car and headed for Lander, Wyoming, and went to the Noble Hotel, which is the jumping-off place. We had dinner together—Zach was really quiet.
Ryan: How long was his trip going to be again?
Windsor: They started in September and ended in December.
Mitch: It would take ninety-four days and we knew we wouldn’t hear from him during that time.
Windsor: With that, Zach packed up and headed into the wilderness.
JCD: I think you told us that he almost gave up and quit.
Windsor: Yes, that almost happened on his second day in the wilderness. He said because he didn’t quit smoking and didn’t get in shape, he was unprepared for the physical stresses of the trip. He said out of the fourteen students who were hiking, there was only one person behind him. Only pride kept him from letting that lagging hiker get ahead of him on the trail. He just kept thinking in his head, “I cannot be last. I cannot be that guy.”
And so his competitive nature kicked in and helped him a bit. The second day it rained like he couldn’t believe. As they kept ascending, fog rolled in and his leader lost his bearings. They got up high enough in elevation where the rain turned to snow. Zach had failed to put his things inside a plastic bag in the backpack. So everything was sodden and frozen and soaked and the stuff became heavier the farther they walked. Finally they made camp.
One of the cardinal principles that NOLS lives by is to “leave no trace behind.” Since they couldn’t find their campsite, there wasn’t a suitable place to light a fire. The packers couldn’t put a burn scar where there hadn’t been one before. So they were freezing.
The guys didn’t know how to put up their tent, and their leader wanted to make it a teachable moment so he didn’t help them. Zach’s memory is of sitting up with his wet tent hitting his cheek, and not getting very much sleep. So the next day he was so frustrated and tired that when they got to the campsite, he ripped his backpack off his back. When he did, the strap caught his arm and opened up the wound.
JCD: And there was no emergency medical help on the mountain.
Windsor: There was no treatment available except scalding hot water. So every day, his leader shot a syringe of scalding water into the wound and re-bandaged it. Zach said it was awful.
Ryan: I think you call that tough love, Dad.
JCD: That’s exactly what it was, Ryan. It’s like Boot Camp for Marine recruits at Parris Island. They go in as undisciplined, whiny, lost kids, and come out as Marines. It assaults the entire system, but it builds character and strength.
Windsor: So September, October, and November went by, and I’m really missing my son, especially on Thanksgiving—remembering the horrible time we had the year before. I was in the kitchen one night during the first week of December—and my cell phone rang. The caller ID indicated it was Zach, and I was shocked because I knew he was in the wilderness.
I couldn’t imagine who had his phone. I said, “Hello,” and Zach said, “Hey, Ma!” I was so happy to hear the way he said it, I could tell there was already something different.
I said, “Zach, where are you?” And he said, “Well we’re in the red rocks outside of Las Vegas. We can see the lights, and we can get a cell signal.” He said, “Mom, I just have a few minutes before we have a team meeting, but I want to ask you a question.” I said, “Sure, shoot.” He said, “If you were going to read your Bible, where would you start?”
Praise the Lord for my husband who stuck a tiny New Testament in his backpack, unbeknownst to Zach at the time. He must have found it. So I said, “Well if it were me, I would read the Gospel of John.” And he said, “Okay, I have to go, but they’re going to let me contact you again later tonight and I’ll call you.”
JCD: Was your heart just thumping?
Windsor: It was pounding! So I called Mitch and we prayed through that afternoon. We waited and prayed and waited and prayed. When the phone rang a few hours later, I said, “Hello? Hello?” And this sweet voice said, “Ma?”
He said, “I need help.” I said, “Zach, everybody needs help, honey.”
And he said, “Would you pray for me?”
And I said, “Zachariah, do you want me to pray for you, or do you want to ask Jesus into your heart?” And he said, “Yes.”
So I led my son in the sinner’s prayer, and that was the best day of my life.
JCD: I have a lump in my throat.
Windsor: Zachariah is so different. He has never looked back from that day. He came up the escalator at DIA with this blowing mane of hair and this beautiful smile on his face. Zach has beautiful blue eyes, and they were just shining. And you know it’s not as though every struggle ends when you ask Jesus into your heart. It is the “road less traveled,” and we do struggle to become more like the Lord. But it’s just that God met him in such a sweet way out there. He said that so many times he felt completely alone, and as he turned in his sleeping bag at night—looking up at the stars—he just knew. He said he just couldn’t help but know that God was there, and you wouldn’t think that he would understand that, but he did.
JCD: And Jesus knew. When you were praying and it seemed as though He wasn’t listening, He was close enough to touch. Sometimes all you hear in a crisis is, “Trust me.” But the Lord misses nothing. When you were calling out to Him in your fear and agony, He led you to the Internet site, where you learned about the wilderness program. The Holy Spirit was also with Zach when he was lying under the stars and felt the call to surrender his heart. I experienced it, too, at a high school summer camp, and it was a wonderful thing. I asked you, Windsor, if you would tell this story because I wanted our listeners to hear your compassion. Now let’s hear it from you, Mitch. What was going on inside you during this ordeal?
Mitch: My heart was breaking during the worst of it. I couldn’t sleep at night. I was just tossing and turning the whole time. I prayed for Zach since he was a little boy. I led him through the sinner’s prayer when he was six or seven, like many fathers do with their sons. But I had faith, and I believed that God would turn him around and that he would take hold spiritually. I asked that Zach’s faith would become new again.
JCD: It’s significant that you have five children, but only one became a prodigal. Zach was the child you lay awake at night thinking and praying about. He was your lost sheep. Luke 15 describes a shepherd who had a hundred sheep under his protection, and one of them wandered away. The shepherd left the ninety-nine to search for the one that was lost. In the same way, you were trying to save the boy who was in trouble.
Mitch: That’s exactly what we were doing. Zach was in trouble. We pray for all our kids, but we were interceding and fasting and petitioning God to turn this middle son around.
JCD: Now there’s more to this story, but I want to get Ryan and Doctor Meeker in on the conversation. Ryan, do you see any similarities with your own experience at about the same time of your life?
Ryan: Absolutely. My story parallels Zach’s in some ways. I didn’t like school and I didn’t want to go to college. I had a good job—it paid cash. I could see what I had accomplished at the end of the day. But my folks wanted me to get an education, and so I went. I wasn’t in rebellion. I was just playing around and making bad grades. My heart wasn’t in it.
When Dad saw my grades, he called and said, “You know, Ryan, we can’t waste God’s money. If you make another D, you call me.” We weren’t angry at one another. It was just a quiet conversation man-to-man. By this time, I liked being at college but still wasn’t doing well there. A few months later, I called my dad to tell him I got another D, and he said, “Well, Ryan, it’s over. Drop out of school and figure out what you’re going to do with your life. You can’t come home because that would be too easy. Find a place to live and get a job. Maybe you can flip hamburgers or find another way to feed yourself.”
I’ve never been so shocked my life. I knew my dad wanted me to get an education, but he cut off the money and pulled me out of school. I hung up the phone and it was like the weight of the world was on me. I was scared and had no plan for what would come next.
I drove back to Colorado Springs, which was the worst place to go because the economy was very depressed at the time. I really didn’t know if I could survive. I chose the Springs because I figured, “I had better be near my parents because I don’t think they would let me starve or want to see me living in a gutter.”
I looked everywhere for a job and finally found work as a bus boy making five dollars an hour. I was lucky to get it. More than three hundred people had applied for that job. Fully-credentialed chefs applied just to get their foot in the door. I rented a one-hundred-year-old cabin for a hundred dollars per month and my Dad paid the first and last month’s rent. The cabin was a wreck. It was leaning and a complete mess. It’s all I could afford.
Dad, tell everyone what happened next.
JCD: It was a scary time for all of us. Pulling Ryan out of school was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. It was fraught with danger. I knew he might never get back on course and could have wrecked his life. He might have become a street person or something worse. He was at a crisis point, and we were praying daily for him.
About six months later, Ryan was at our house for dinner and he and I were talking afterward. I’ll never forget that moment. He said, “Dad, those people I’m working with are going nowhere. They are absolutely lost.”
I said, “I know, Ryan. That’s what happens if you don’t prepare yourself for a better life.”
Then I said, “Would you like one more shot?”
He didn’t know what I meant and he said, “One more shot at what?”
I’ll say with a smile that Ryan must have thought I was going to shoot him. I said, “Another shot at college. I’m thinking about giving you another chance, but only for one semester. If you apply yourself, I’ll approve another term. But if you play around again, you’ll be on your own.”
Ryan looked at me in disbelief. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He took the challenge and enrolled at Biola University. He went on to graduate from there and I spoke at his graduation ceremony. Here he is today. He is the author of five books, is a very accomplished speaker and teacher, and has a wonderful little family. I am very proud of him. And now we have the privilege of working together at Family Talk. Just like you, Mitch and Windsor, the Lord walked us through our time in the valley and answered our fervent prayers.
Doctor Meeker, what are you thinking?
MM: As I listened to these stories, especially yours, Windsor, I was asking myself, “Could I have done what you did? Would I, as the mother of my twenty-one-year-old son, have had the courage to pack his bags and tell him to leave? Would I have ushered him to the front door on Christmas Day and closed it behind him? I don’t know if I could have done it, and that is why I admire your strength.
When your kids said to you, “Mom, you’re being so mean,” I’m sure you felt mean. But look at who Zach called from that mountaintop overlooking the lights of the city. He phoned you, the “mean one,” because he trusted you and knew you loved him. What a wonderful lesson for the mothers listening to us. You, Windsor—the one who threw your son out—were the one he reached out to for comfort.
I’m reminded of Proverbs 22:6 that says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it” (NKJV). We as moms don’t naturally think of training our children; we tend to think of loving, and nurturing, and being kind, and giving them things, and making life easy for them. But the responsibility of training is gritty. It’s hard. It’s painful. There is nothing easy about it. But you did it, and I applaud you!
Windsor: I really have to give all the credit to the Lord for whispering to my heart when I really needed to hear from Him. That’s what I’ve learned to do. When I am afraid, I trust in the Lord and He is always there. He loves our kids more than we do. They belong to Him, and He loans them to us for a short season to raise them to the best of our ability.
JCD: All of us are prodigal children when it really comes down to it. We all have disobeyed the Father.
Windsor: Yes. I have made many mistakes. I’ve spoiled our kids at times, and I’ve been sharp and angry at other times. I’ve screamed at them and acted horribly. I have had successes and I’ve had failures. But, you know, His mercies are new every morning. He’s faithful, and if we just confess our faults and ask for His help, He will forgive and heal. If I could encourage our listeners, I’d say don’t give up. Continue to pray and fast. It will come around in the end.
Mitch: You know, if I could just share something with fathers. Windsor and I knew we were dealing with spiritual darkness in our home, and so we put on the armor of God every morning before we went into battle. We knew we had to fight for the soul of our son, and that we couldn’t prevail against evil in our own strength.
JCD: Mitch, we have complimented Windsor for her courage in this situation, but you deserve our applause, too. You were not the disciplinarian, but you knew your role was to support your wife. You did it well.
Mitch: Frankly, I was scared—scared to send Zach into the world alone, but I knew standing with Windsor was the right thing to do.
Windsor: Mitch did affirm me in my darkest hours. His eyes were filled with tears and he was very sad. But I knew he was standing with me.
JCD: If Mitch hadn’t provided that support when your kids were critical of you, Windsor, he would have destroyed your authority and weakened your confidence. Mitch, tell us about your childhood and why it gave you a tender spirit. You were raised in a very permissive home, weren’t you?
Mitch: My mother abandoned us when I was eleven and my father was a workaholic. I was on my own from then on.
JCD: So you didn’t have a lot of parental love?
Mitch: Not a lot of parental love.
JCD: And that made it difficult for you to confront. Well, in light of that, I think it is commendable how supportive you were of Windsor as she went through her trial by fire.
MM: Windsor, I know there are mothers out there who have preadolescent or adolescent sons or daughters. There is a mother listening today who has a fourteen- or fifteen-year-old who is very rebellious and taking drugs or crossing all the boundaries at home and in school. What do you recommend to her? She is afraid to confront her child because she might drive her child away. Will you speak directly to that mom? Because there are so many like her.
Windsor: The first thing I would suggest is to ask God to give her Scriptures that she can pray over her kids. The verse that He gave Mitch and me was Colossians 1:9, which reads:
For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding the Spirit gives.
We prayed that verse every day because we knew we didn’t have the wisdom to handle our family situation. Then I asked God to show me the things my kids cared about most that I could use to get them to play by the rules.
Every son or daughter has something that is valued very highly. For some it’s their phones; for others it’s video games or a sport they love to play, or friends that they spend time with. It is really important to know what it is that lights your kid’s fire and then to be willing to use those privileges as leverage when they are rebelling. You have to have some measure of control. Empty words just don’t work because teenagers don’t care about that.
Another suggestion is to pray with another person. Jesus said, “If two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.”1 That’s a promise.
You know there is also power in praising God through difficulty. You have to surrender to Him and say, “Even though we don’t understand, we trust You.” That pleases the Lord.
Finally, I believe in fasting and prayer. Jesus didn’t say, “If you fast…” He said “When you fast.” He assumed we would do it.
MM: I would like to ask Mitch a question. To the dad out there whose kids are in serious trouble, what advice can you offer him?
Mitch: Having the kind of background that I’ve had, there wasn’t a strong training ground for me to know what to do. You know when children come along, there is no playbook that spells out what to do. Windsor took the lead initially and I followed her. But what I learned over the years, as I read your books, Doctor Dobson, is that as painful as it is for me to say “No” to my son or daughter, or to set definite curfews for them, I knew you had to do it. Don’t bend in that moment of crisis. There are times when you have to be tough. Even if they lash out and say, “I hate you” or “I’m so angry at you,” you’re the dad and you have to stand firm. Then you keep loving them unconditionally. That is what Windsor and I did, and our son came back when he heard the voice of the Lord.
MM: Yes! If you don’t stand firm, you destroy that young man or woman. I have a Facebook page at Family Talk, which includes a regular feature called, “Ask Dr. Meg.” Parents call me and ask about how to handle children as young as seven, eight, or nine. These little kids are already out of control. They are disrespectful, won’t mind, and even swear at their parents. Moms will say to me, “There’s not a thing I can do to control them.” Of course there is! Parents have the authority to rein in their rebellious kids, but it takes courage to do it. They can’t stay alive without us, especially elementary school children. Instead, many parents yield their position of power to their kids and allow them to go wild. They are crippling their children when they do that.
JCD: I agree emphatically, Meg. A question I have been asked often by parents, usually by mothers, is a variation on this theme: “I have a nineteen-year-old son who is sullen and disrespectful to his dad and me. He is running with the wrong crowd, he sleeps until noon, and won’t even look for a job. He uses foul language and all he wants to do is watch TV or play video games. He won’t even take out the trash or make his bed. He also has pornography in his room. He might even be taking drugs, but I don’t know. I haven’t asked. We are scared of him and just don’t know what to do.” The details differ, but this is a typical situation. Then this mom says, “He makes our lives miserable.”2
I usually say, “I will offer you three words of advice: ‘Help him pack.’ He wants you to fix his meals, wash his clothes, put up with his snide comments, provide insurance, put a roof over his head, pay for his car, and on it goes. If you support this lazy, disrespectful son or daughter, you have become an enabler for this young man or woman. Because you love him, you are making it possible for your son to waste his life and squander opportunities to get himself together. His rocket is sitting on the launch pad, but it isn’t firing. Again, I suggest you put his stuff on the front porch and tell him it’s time to get acquainted with the real world.”
This is what Windsor did, in essence. She sent Zach packing. It was the best thing she could have done, and he knew it.
MM: We should talk also about the single mother who is trying to deal with a rebellious kid or two or more. I am very concerned about her. She has been at a disadvantage since her children were young. She only sees them half the time, and her husband may be counteracting everything constructive she has tried to do. This mom is afraid to confront her youngster because he or she might choose to live with a permissive father who has no rules. I hear from these mothers often and my heart goes out to them.
JCD: I hear from them, too, Meg. I’ve said many times that the single mother who is struggling to earn a living and raise healthy kids, too, has the toughest job in the universe. The rest of us should do everything we can to give her a hand. We’ll have to talk about that on another program.
Our time is gone for today, but let me say to you, Mitch and Windsor, how much we appreciate you being willing to share your intimate story with our listeners. Please thank Zach, also, for allowing us to discuss his experience. The next time he is home, I would love to get acquainted with him. He is going to land squarely on his feet and I’d like to shake his hand.
Blessings to you all.
Mitch and Windsor: We’ll tell Zach, and thanks so much for having us.
Later
This conversation with the Yellen family was very inspirational to me. I hope you enjoyed it, too. Let me offer some observations and conclusions about what we have heard. At first I thought Zach was a classic strong-willed individual, but clearly he was not. As his mother told us, he was a sweet boy until he graduated from high school. He hit the skids afterward because he fell in with the wrong friends and wandered into drugs and alcohol. This combination can totally redirect the values, motivation, and personality of anybody, especially a boy who is under the influence of surging testosterone. I would also guess that something significant happened to Zach when he was at the university. I don’t know that story, but something apparently changed his thought process.
You’ll remember that Mitch quoted a man who said, “Where did my son go?” Millions of parents have asked the same question. They say, “Overnight, my kid became someone I hardly recognized.” Once a teen or young adult begins to party and take mind-altering drugs, strange behavior is the order of the day. It obviously took its toll on Zach. Why would an intelligent guy get on a long board in the middle of the night and burn along at thirty-five miles an hour? The answer is that he was “loaded,” as he admitted to his mother. I guess it was inevitable that he would hit something. His judgment wasn’t firing on all cylinders.
I join Mitch and Windsor in thanking God for Zach’s turnaround. What actually accounted for it? The answers to that question may be useful to those of my readers who are still dealing with a wayward son or daughter.
Zach had four assets that worked in his favor. First, he had a strong, caring, intact family. Mitch and Windsor loved all their children, and each of them knew it. These parents served as an anchor when Zach’s boat was rocking and reeling.
Second, Mitch and Windsor knew prayer was what they needed most. I believe the Lord honored their fasting and prayers and brought their son “home.”
Third, Zach had a spiritual foundation on which his repentance and renewal were eventually based. Mitch had led his son into a relationship with Jesus Christ when he was a very young child. That early teaching became priceless when the crisis occurred.
Finally, Mitch was a very good and loving father, but he may not have fully understood the principles of “love must be tough.” There is a time for accountability and strength. That experience required not only loving kindness, but also toughness. They work best when they operate in tandem.
Being tough in the context of love is called for, such as when a husband or wife is having an affair, or is an unrepentant alcoholic, or is bankrupting the family with a gambling addiction, or is deeply involved in pornography. The spouse who is behaving irresponsibly and disrespectfully needs the strength and conviction of the other spouse to help make the difficult choices, even though it is fiercely opposed. Appeasement and weakness DO NOT WORK in human affairs. That is the lesson of history.
Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain flew to Munich in 1938 to meet with the German Chancellor, Adolph Hitler. The brutal dictator wanted to seize Czechoslovakia and enslave its people. He promised no more territorial claims if the British government would not oppose the takeover. Chamberlain agreed and flew back to London. He is still seen on film today waving a paper signed by Hitler, and claiming, “Peace in Our Time.”3 What followed was the brutalization of the Czechoslovakian people and five years of bitter world war during which fifty million people died. Chamberlain set it up by appeasing a mass murderer.
This is also true for teens who regularly come home drunk at three a.m., vomit in the bathroom, and are unable to work the next day. Such a young man or woman is in deep trouble and needs to be confronted by tough parents. To pacify an adolescent who behaves like this and to dole out money to keep the peace is to become an enabler. That will cripple him or her in time.
I don’t know if Windsor had read my book Love Must Be Tough,4 but she understood intuitively the principles it espoused. Even though it was terribly distressing to confront her beloved son, she had the courage to say, if I can paraphrase, “I can’t stop you from wrecking your life, but I certainly don’t have to watch it happen.” Then she said unequivocally, “Let’s pack.”
Let me say it a different way. Tough love is what is needed most when someone you care for deeply, whether it is a spouse or an offspring, is behaving irrationally and foolishly. A parent (Windsor in this case) must react with firmness, courage, conviction, and passion. There can be no indecision in that time of confrontation. That is exactly what Windsor provided. She didn’t scream insults or hurl empty threats. Her reaction was a classic case of tough love in action.
As Doctor Meeker said, there are very few moms who could have handled that horrible moment as well. That’s why we all commended her for it. The tough love didn’t stop there. It continued until Zach realized he had made a mess of his life, and called from the mountain to say, “Would you pray for me?”
Windsor replied, “Zachariah, do you want me to pray for you, or do you want to ask Jesus into your heart?” And he said, “Yes.”
That was the loving part of the relationship. Windsor didn’t berate her son and tell him how badly he had hurt her and the family. No, she showed compassion and motherly love to her son.
Another component of “love must be tough” is that it is most successful in a crisis. That’s when change is most likely to occur. It doesn’t happen when two agitated and angry people are engaged in a collision of wills. The “coming together” usually happens later, when conviction and compassion interact. Again, Windsor responded like the Christian mom she is. She asked for guidance from the Holy Spirit and received it.
To illustrate further, let’s read the parable of the Prodigal Son, told by Jesus and recorded in Luke 15:11–32. You will see how this story coincides with what we read in the Yellens’ experience. Though the Scripture and Jesus’ words are not referred to as “tough love,” that is exactly what I would call them. You’ll see why as we review the story:
A man had two sons. When the younger told his father, “I want my share of your estate now, instead of waiting until you die!” his father agreed to divide his wealth between his sons. A few days later this younger son packed all his belonging and took a trip to a distant land, and there he wasted all his money on parties and prostitutes.
About the time his money was gone a great famine swept over the land, and he began to starve. He persuaded a local farmer to hire him to feed his pigs. The boy became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the swine looked good to him. And no one gave him anything. When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, “At home even the hired men have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger! I will go home to my father and say, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired man.’ ”
So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long distance away, his father saw him coming, and was filled with loving pity and ran and embraced him and kissed him. His son said to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and you, and am not worthy of being called your son…” But his father said to the slaves, “Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. And a jeweled ring for his finger; and shoes! And kill the calf we have in the fattening pen. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has returned to life. He was lost and is found.” So the party began.
Meanwhile, the older son was in the fields working; when he returned home, he heard dance music coming from the house, and he asked one of the servants what was going on. “Your brother is back,” he was told, “and your father has killed the calf we were fattening and has prepared a great feast to celebrate his coming home again unharmed.” The older brother was angry and wouldn’t go in. His father came out and begged him. But he replied, “All these years I’ve worked hard for you and never once refused to do a single thing you told me to; and in all that time you never gave me even one young goat for a feast with my friends. Yet when this son of yours comes back after spending your money on prostitutes, you celebrate by killing the finest calf we have on the place.”
“Look, dear son,” his father said to him, “you and I are very close, and everything I have is yours. But it is right to celebrate. For he is your brother; and he was dead and has come back to life! He was lost and is found!” (see Luke 15:11–32, NLT)
This account contains several important understandings that are highly relevant to our day. First, the father did not try to locate his son and drag him home. The boy was apparently old enough to make his own decisions and the father allowed him to determine his course.
Second, the father did not come to his rescue during the financial stresses that followed. He was a wealthy landowner and could have sent his servants to bring him comfort. Nor did the father send money. There were no well-meaning church groups or governmental agencies that helped support his folly. Note in verses 16 and 17, “No one gave him anything… he finally came to his senses.” There is a powerful connection between those verses. The Prodigal Son learned from adversity. The parent who is too anxious to ease the misery of a son or daughter when they have behaved foolishly might be performing a disservice.
Third, the father welcomed his son home without belittling him or demanding reparations. He didn’t say, “I told you you’d make a mess of things!” or, “You’ve embarrassed your mom and me and the whole family. Instead, he ran to meet his son and threw his arms around him. Again, this is the “loving” part of Love Must Be Tough. The father said, “He was lost and is found!” and the family celebrated with a feast. As for the elder brother, he knew how to be tough, but he had no clue about how to love.
Although this understanding of conflict resolution is fairly simple to comprehend, some parents have trouble getting it. If they are afraid to make their child uncomfortable or unhappy when he or she is wrong or sinful (or both), they have to be strong. If the parents lack the determination to win the inevitable confrontations that arise, the child will sense their tentativeness and push them further away. If appeasement occurs, it is curtains for the relationship. The end result will be frustrated, irritated, and ineffectual parents and rebellious, selfish, and even more willful children.
I believe God gave Windsor the wisdom she asked for when her son was on the edge. Meanwhile, the Lord was working on his heart, too. The outcome was remarkable. Zach is doing great. He made a comment recently about the story you just read. He said, “You know, Mom, this is not about me. It is about the faithfulness of God.” Amen! As I write, Zach worked last summer at a Christian camp for children and teens. Who knows what the Lord has in store for him?
The program we aired5 with Mitch and Windsor Yellen has brought a wonderful response to the broadcast and to our website. Windsor is a very effective speaker. If you would like to have her tell her story at a Christian event, you can get information by contacting her assistant, Stephanie, at stephanie@thepinery.com, or by calling her at 719-475-2600.6