I stated earlier that the culture is at war with parents for the hearts and minds of their children. I don’t need to describe this battle because you see it, too. Parents in decades past would not have believed what was about to happen to the institution of the family. I am not sure many of us understand it, either. Immorality, pornography, violence, and illicit drugs touch almost every home. Most moms and dads love their children and are trying to shepherd them past the minefields that lie scattered in their paths. However, they are perplexed by the challenges they face.
When I was a kid, parental authority typically stood like a great shield against the evils in what was called “the world.” Anything perceived as unwholesome or immoral was kept outside the white picket fence simply by willing it to stay put. Furthermore, the surrounding community was helpful to families. It was organized to keep kids on the straight and narrow. Censorship prevented the movies from going too far, schools maintained strict discipline, disrespectful or rebellious students were “paddled” or found themselves sitting in “detention,” infractions were reported to the parents, truant officers caught students playing hooky, chaperones usually preserved virginity, alcohol was not sold to minors, and illicit drugs were unheard-of. Even unrelated adults saw it as their civic responsibility to help protect children from anything that could harm them, whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Most townsfolk were acquainted with other children’s parents, so it was easier for them to intervene. This support system didn’t always do the job, of course, but it was generally effective.
This commitment to the welfare of children has all but vanished. Rather than assisting parents in their child-rearing responsibilities, the pop culture and politically correct ideology conspires against them. The Judeo-Christian system of values is on the wane. Harmful images and ideas come sliding under the front door or they slither directly into the bedrooms through electronic media. Illicit drugs are available to every teen or preteen who wants them. Everything changes for those who are taking them. With every child having a cell phone with which to access each other beyond parental ears, and with the advent of the all-pervasive social media, there are just too many opportunities for kids to conspire and to get into trouble. Controlling those ever-changing dynamics of child development puts our kids at greater risk and their parents in disarray.
Considering how the world has changed, it is no longer enough to make and enforce rules to keep children in line. It still makes sense to prohibit harmful or immoral behavior, and to discipline and punish when appropriate. However, these time-honored approaches to child management must be supplemented by an emotional connection that makes children want to do what is right. In short, it is doubly important to build relationships with kids from their earliest childhood. Your sons and daughters must know that you love them unconditionally and that everything you require is for their own good. It is also helpful to explain why you want them to behave in certain ways. “Laying down the law” without this emotional linkage is likely to fail.
Author and speaker Josh McDowell expressed this principle in a single sentence. He said, “Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.”1 He is absolutely right. With all the temptations buzzing around our kids, simply saying no a thousand times creates a spirit of defiance. We have to build bridges to them from the ground up. The construction should begin early and include having fun as a family, laughing and joking, playing board games, throwing or kicking a ball, shooting baskets, playing Ping-Pong, running with the dog, talking at bedtime, swimming together, participating in sports, getting kids in great churches with good youth programs, being a sponsor of the school band, and doing a thousand other things that tend to cement the generations together. The tricky part is to establish friendships while maintaining parental authority and respect. It can be done. It must be done. It is the only formula I know to combat the dangers that stalk the land. But it takes time—about which my dad said, “cannot be given if it is all signed and conscripted and laid on the altar of career ambition.”
Ryan and I hunted and fished together, which bonded us together like Gorilla Glue. It still holds today. Shirley did girly things with Danae throughout childhood. She and I played volleyball and Ping-Pong and croquet in the backyard. Our home had an open door. Our children’s friends were welcome, and some of them almost lived with us. There was always a buzz of activity during the teen years. We fed them pizza and played games and watched clean movies. As the kids got older, we budgeted money to make skiing our centerpiece. That was the most wonderful decision we made. After a full day on the slopes with friends from both generations, we ate a good dinner and then engaged each other in meaningful devotions and Bible studies. These experiences were almost always interesting and lasted up to two hours per night. At dawn the next morning, we were back on the ski lifts and headed to the summit for another great day. This is how we got our kids through the challenges of adolescence. Shirley broke her leg on the slopes at Vail, Colorado, but she suffered gracefully, knowing that raising good kids always requires a few sacrifices.
I know not every family can afford to ski when children are growing up, but building relationships doesn’t necessarily require large amounts of money. A lifelong connection often emerges from simple traditions that give meaning and identity to families. Children love daily routines and activities of the simplest kind. They want to hear the same story or the same joke until Mom and Dad are ready to climb the wall. And yet, these interactions are sometimes more appreciated by kids than are expensive toys or special events.
Beloved author and professor, the late Dr. Howard Hendricks, once asked his grown children what they remembered most fondly from their childhood. Was it the vacations they took or the trips to theme parks or the zoo? “No,” they answered. It was when Dad got on the floor and wrestled with them.2 That’s the way children think. It is especially the way boys think. The most meaningful activities in a family are often those simple interactions that build lasting connections between generations.
Let’s describe what we mean by traditions. They refer to repetitive activities that give identity and belonging to every member of the family. In the Broadway musical Fiddler on the Roof, the fiddler was perched securely on top of the house because of tradition. These historical customs, dictated to every member of the Jewish community who he or she was and how to deal with the demands of life and even what to wear or eat. There is comfort and security for children when they know what is expected and how they fit into the scheme of things.
Two friends, Greg Johnson and Mike Yorkey, offered some examples of how not to build good relationships with your kids in their book Daddy’s Home. These suggestions were written with tongue in cheek, but I think they got their point across.
Have the NBA game of the week on while you’re playing Monopoly with them.
Read the paper while helping them with their algebra assignments.
Go to the local high school football field to practice your golf swing and have your kids collect the balls after you’re done.
Suggest they take a nap with you on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.
Drive them to Cub Scouts and read a magazine in the car while the den mother instructs them on how to tie knots.
Take them to your office on Saturday and have them color while you work.3
Clearly, there are many ways to fake it—appearing to care and “be involved” when you’re actually just babysitting. I guarantee you, however, that your kids won’t be fooled for long. They can see through adult pretenses with something akin to X-ray vision. And they will remember that you were or were not there for them when they were reaching for you. Someone said, “Love is giving somebody your undivided attention.” It is a great definition.
Here’s another idea relevant to relationships that I think makes a lot of sense. It’s called “the first five minutes” and is based on a book that was published many years ago. Its thesis was that the first five minutes occurring between people sets the tone for everything that is to follow. For example, a public speaker is given very few moments to convince his audience that he really does have something worthwhile to say. If he’s boring or stilted in the beginning, his listeners will turn him off like a lightbulb and he’ll never know why. And if he hopes to use humor during his speech, he’d better say something funny very quickly or they won’t believe he can make them laugh. The opportunity of the moment is lost. Fortunately, whenever we begin a new interaction, we have a chance to reset the mood.
This simple principle relates to family members as well. The first five minutes of the morning also determine how a mother will interact with her children on that day. Snarls or complaints as the kids gather for breakfast will sour their relationship for hours. Greeting children after school with kind words and a tasty snack may be remembered for decades. And at the end of the day when a man arrives home from work, the way he greets his wife, or doesn’t greet his wife, will influence their interaction throughout the evening. A single criticism such as, “Not tuna casserole again!” will put their relationship on edge from then to bedtime. Men who complain that their wives are not affectionate at bedtime should think back to the first moments when they came together in the evening. He probably messed up some great possibilities with his first snippy comments.
It all starts with the first five minutes.
While we are talking about relationships, there is another issue we should discuss. It concerns the sheer power of words. They are so easy to utter, often tumbling out without much reason or forethought. Those who hurl criticism or hostility at others may not even mean or believe what they have said. Their comments may reflect momentary jealousy, resentment, depression, fatigue, or revenge. Regardless of the intent, harsh words sting like killer bees. Almost all of us, including you and me, have lived through moments when a parent, a teacher, a friend, a colleague, a husband, or a wife said something that cut to the quick. That hurt is now sealed forever in the memory bank. That is an amazing property of the spoken word. Even though a person forgets most of his or her day-by-day experiences, a particularly painful comment may be remembered for decades. By contrast, the individual who did the damage may have no memory of the encounter a few days later.
Former first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton told a story about her father, who never affirmed her as a child. When she was in high school, she brought home a straight-A report card. She showed it to her dad, hoping for a word of commendation. Instead, he said, “Well, you must be attending an easy school.” All these years later the remark still burns in Mrs. Clinton’s mind. His thoughtless response may have represented nothing more than a casual quip, but it created a point of pain that has endured to this day.4
There is wisdom about the impact of words written in the book of James. The passage reads,
When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. (James 3:3–6)
Have you ever set yourself or others on fire with sparks spraying from your tongue? More important, have you ever set a child’s spirit on fire with anger? All of us have made that costly mistake. We knew we had blundered the moment the comment flew out of our mouths, but it was too late. If we tried for a hundred years, we couldn’t take back a single remark. The first year Shirley and I were married, she became very angry with me about something that neither of us can recall. In the frustration of the moment she said, “If this is marriage, I don’t want any part of it.” She didn’t mean it and regretted her words almost immediately. An hour later we had reconciled and forgiven each other, but Shirley’s statement could not be taken back. We’ve laughed about it through the years and the issue is inconsequential today. Still, there is nothing either of us can do to erase the utterance of the moment.
Words are not only remembered for a lifetime, but if not forgiven, they endure beyond the chilly waters of death. We read in Matthew 12:36,
But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken.
Thank God, those of us who have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ are promised that our sins—and our harsh words—will be remembered against us no more and will be removed “as far as the east is from the west” (Ps. 103:12a). Apart from that atonement, however, our words will follow us forever.
I didn’t intend to preach a sermon here, but I find great inspiration for all family relationships within the great wisdom of the Scriptures. And so it is with the impact of what we say. The scary thing for us parents is that we never know when the mental videotape is running during our interactions with children and teens. A spontaneous critical comment that means little to us at the time may “stick” and be repeated long after we are dead and gone. By contrast, the warm and affirming things we say about our sons and daughters may be a source of satisfaction for decades. Again, it is all in the power of words.
The circumstances that precipitate a hurtful comment for a child or teen are irrelevant to their impact. Let me explain. Even though a child pushes you to the limit, frustrating and angering you to the point of exasperation, you will nevertheless pay a price for overreacting. Let’s suppose you lose your poise and shout, “I can’t stand you! I wish you belonged to someone else.” Or, “I can’t believe you failed another test. How could a son of mine be so stupid!” Even if every normal parent would also have been agitated in the same situation, your child will not focus on his misbehavior in the future. He is likely to forget what he did to cause your outburst. But he will recall the day that you said you didn’t want him or that he was stupid. It isn’t fair, but neither is life.
I know I’m stirring a measure of guilt into the mix with these comments. (My words are powerful, too, aren’t they?) My purpose, however, is not to hurt you but to make you mindful that everything you say has lasting meaning for a child. He may forgive you later for “setting the fire,” but how much better it would have been to have stayed cool. You can learn to do that with prayer and practice.
I’ve strayed a bit from my theme of relationships, but I think the discussion of words was important. Returning to the issue at hand, the day is coming when those of you with young children will need to draw on the foundation of love and caring that you have built. If resentment and rejection characterized the early years, the adolescent experience might be a nightmare. The best way to avoid this teenage time bomb is to defuse it in childhood. That is done with a healthy balance of authority and love at home. Begin now to build a relationship that will see you through the storms of adolescence.
To summarize, a close-knit family is what keeps boys and girls grounded when the world is enticing them to break loose. In this day, you dare not become disconnected during the time when everything is on the line. If you do the job effectively, it will be easier to introduce your children to Jesus Christ. Remember this: If they know you care, you’ll be more effective in teaching them what you believe!