Chapter 22 – Thanks for Coming

The next of couple days were a blur; I had drafted the press statement and had released it on behalf of Alex and the Stone family. I fielded phone calls and mail, which offered condolences and well wishes. I appealed for privacy and for the most part this was respected, with Alex, his brother and his mother being allowed to grieve in peace.

James and the band rallied around their “brother” providing support to him and his family. There was a constant stream of visitors, hot meals and offers of assistance from either one of the boys or a member of their families. Helnä was overwhelmed by their generosity and love, Christian and Alex thanked everyone profusely for their kindness and understanding.

My relationship with Alex remained complicated. We never spoke about it or acknowledged anything, yet every night I would go to him. We would make love and I would spend the night in his arms. It was almost as though if we finally spoke about it, it might end. I didn’t know what it was or what it wasn’t, I just knew I had to be with him. I loved being with him, sleeping in his arms - I loved him. Every day I longed for the night so we could be together and cursed every morning when we would go about our lives, indifferent to each other. I hated it; it wasn’t enough for me anymore. I wanted more.

The day of the funeral came and I woke in his arms as usual. He smiled as he brushed the hair out of my face. My heart swelled for this amazing man, I knew today would be hard and I wished there was something I could do to make it easier for him.

“I got your black suit dry cleaned, it’s hanging in your closet.” I smiled as his finger traced over my chin.

“Lexi you didn’t have to do that. You’re not my assistant, but thank you.” I shifted in his arms so that my chest pressed against his.

“Since when have I ever done ANYTHING because I had to? I wanted to and you’re welcome.” I gently kissed his lips.

“These past few days with you...” he swallowed “Lexi, I couldn’t have gotten through them without you.” He dragged his lips across my collar bone.

“I’m here Alex.” I breathed, fighting my own tears.

He untwined himself from me and I watched as his gloriously, taut naked body strode into the bathroom to take a shower. I never got tired of looking at him, he was entirely too good looking. I stretched in Alex’s king size bed, before letting my feet hit the ground and walking over to the small overnight bag I had packed yesterday. I knew the funeral was early today and didn’t want to have to go home to prepare so had packed a few things before coming over last night. I pulled out a simple black tailored dress; it had a thin belt around the waist and a matching fitted black jacket. I laid the items on his bed as I pulled out some underwear and opaque tights.

I smiled as Alex walked back in, still glistening from his shower. His towel flirted with his hips. He glanced at the bed silently as he examined my clothes. His eyes shifted back to me as he sat on the bed.

“Shower is free,” he mumbled, no warmth in his voice as his eyes moved back to pile of clothes on his bed. He refused to meet my gaze.

“Ok,” I whispered, not sure what happened between the bed and the shower to make him so distant. I wanted to ask but didn’t want to push him, today of all days. Was it my choice of attire? Was it me? I stepped into the shower and buried my head under the spray of the water.

By the time I got out, he was already dressed. He looked breathtaking in his black Calvin Klein suit, his hair slicked back, his famous mirrored aviators poking out of his top pocket. “I’m going to head over to my mom’s, I’ve organised for a car to be here in about an hour to take you to the funeral. Ok?”

I blinked back tears as I nodded. “Yep, Ok.” I was confused as he sidestepped me and left without kissing me goodbye. What had happened, why was he so cold? I had stayed with him every night; we had spent hours in each other’s arms, I had lowered my guard and let him in, I had fallen in love with him. Was this payback for what I did to him? Was he punishing me? Or was it that I no longer served a purpose? I replayed his words over in my head. Was it about me helping him cope and now he was ok? I refused to let myself cry, I forced a wry grin as I dressed, I would not allow him to see me cry. No, he would not get that satisfaction from me.

The car arrived and took me to a small Catholic church near Alex’s family home. Christian greeted me warmly when I approached the Stone family offering my condolences, his mother gently hugged me and Alex offered me a curt nod, keeping his distance and thanking me for coming. He was thanking me for coming? My anger flared as he looked at me indifferently. I wanted to climb over the pew and beat the living shit out of him. I was so incredibly hurt. I took my seat beside Hannah and James who smiled at me when they saw me, Hannah’s eyes were already red from crying, her crumpled tissue tightly grasped in her hand. The gentle music filtered through the beautiful church as various people approached Alex, his mother and brother, offering their sympathies.

I watched him intently, willing him to make eye contact with me but he didn’t. He kept his eyes firmly fixed on the casket in front of him, holding his mother as she gently sobbed as the priest welcomed the congregation. The service progressed with various intervals of sitting, standing and kneeling. I looked to Hannah for guidance as to what was required, having not grown up in church. The priest finally farewelled Jenson Stone with Alex and Christian heading the procession as they wheeled the casket to the waiting hearst.

I couldn’t hold back any longer, I tried to stop the tears from falling but I couldn’t. I sucked in a deep breath as a small sob escaped my throat. Hannah put her arm around me as I fell back into the wooden pew, unable to stop weeping. I shook uncontrollably as I watched these two beautiful young men pass by me escorting the body of their father. It was a vision that affected me deeply, and I closed my eyes unable to look at Alex. Hannah hugged me tighter as I tried to stifle my sobs, not wanting to create a scene. Looking around, I saw that I was not the only person struggling with their emotions.

The crowd dispersed through the large double church doors as I stayed sitting, gently weeping when James finally approached me.

“Are you ok Lexi? Do you need anything?” He sat beside me as Hannah held my hand as I tried to explain.

“I’m fine, I just need some air. Please go be with Alex. I’ll catch up with you later.” James eyed me suspiciously before I finally convinced him to leave. I sat in the church until it was empty, grieving my own loss. I had seen how loved this man had been. It was evident on the face of his sons, his wife, his extended family and friends. I had never loved my father in that way, yet I grieved for this man who I didn’t know. I grieved for the pain I knew it caused the man I loved, even if he didn’t love me back. I grieved for the loss I knew I was facing when I finally walked out the doors.

By the time I made it to the cemetery, the casket was already being lowered into the ground. I stayed behind the crowd, watching safely from a distance, my eyes swollen and red. Alex led his mother to the open plot and tossed in a single red rose, she held her sons either side of her as she quietly wept. Christian sniffled as he wiped away his tears; Alex stood resolute, his face unreadable. I found Hannah and James and told them I was heading back to my apartment.

“Aren’t you coming to the wake?” James questioned cautiously.

I shook my head as I mumbled, “I think it’s best if I don’t.” He didn’t push it any further as I walked off. I pulled my phone from my bag and dialled for a cab; I just wanted to go back to my apartment.

I eased into the back of the taxi and I shut my eyes as we drove back to Manhattan. He could have driven me to Connecticut and I probably wouldn’t have noticed. As if sensing my mood, the driver left me to my misery. I guess getting picked up from a cemetery was probably a good tip off. He eased the cab beside my building and I handed him my fare, he nodded as I told him to keep the change and I pushed open the front doors to the lobby.

Barry the doorman smiled as I waved, walking straight through to the elevator and pressing the button for my floor. I lay my back against the internal rails feeling I could collapse at any moment. The elevator dinged when I arrived at my floor. I gripped the walls as I walked to my front door, pulling out my keys and finally finding sanctuary in my own space. It had only been four nights since I’d slept here but it felt like four weeks. I pulled off my shoes and jacket and walked through to my bedroom. I collapsed onto my bed and curled my body tightly into a ball. I was safe. No one could hurt me here. Alex’s last interaction with me spoke volumes, he was done. I was a means to an end with him, a coping mechanism. He had finally got what he wanted and then he didn’t want or need it anymore. I closed my eyes tightly, refusing to shed any more tears and willed sleep to come. It was over and I had to move on.