Chapter 20
Eva’s fear deserted her somewhere between her room and the parlor. For the first time in her life, she was not afraid of the disappointment she would see on her father’s face. But just because she wasn’t afraid didn’t mean that sitting without squirming beneath his icy stare was easy.
As they locked eyes with one another Eva wished, as she’d done a thousand times before, that she understood him—that he would show some part of himself, no matter how tiny, to anyone other than his beloved wife. Only with Mia did Adam de Courtney appear even remotely human. It was as if he had only enough of himself to spare for one person.
He wasn’t cruel to Eva and she knew he cared for her—as he did all his children—but the man himself was forever remote, a hazy promontory in the distance that she would never, ever reach, no matter how hard she strove for it.
Her sisters had stopped trying to know him years ago—around the time when Mia had come into their lives and provided so many of those things they’d been missing: like joy and affection. It wasn’t as if her aunt and grandmother—who’d raised them—hadn’t loved them, but both women had been as emotionally frozen as her father.
When it appeared that her father would be content to stare at her for the next eon, Eva asked the question that burned in her. “Has Mia entered her confinement? Has she—”
“Not yet.”
Although he would never say as much, she knew he was worried about Mia and anxious for her. Her stepmamma was not a young woman, and childbirth was not easy even for women half her age. Shame washed over Eva as she realized she’d taken away the person Mia loved most, her husband, in her time of need.
“Are Gabe and Dru—”
“They are well.”
Eva wanted to ask about Gabe’s son, Samir, but she didn’t know whether her brother had told their parents about the little boy yet, or not.
“Gabriel’s son, Samir, is also fine.”
Eva sagged with relief.
“I would like to talk about you, Eva.”
“Yes, Father.”
“Has Visel treated you well?”
The question surprised her. “Er—” An image of Godric kneeling between her thighs, his lips slick and—
A throat cleared, and Eva’s head whipped up. The marquess appeared. Eva squinted. Could that be embarrassment in his eyes?
No, impossible.
“Yes, he has treated me well,” she said.
“And do you wish to marry him?”
Eva gaped. “I’ve been with him for days, I—I understand that I must do the proper thing, that there is no other choice.”
“There are always other choices.” Her father’s voice was dry. “And this choice is yours, Eva, not Visel’s and not mine. If you do not wish to marry him, you shall leave here with me.”
“But . . . I don’t understand.”
“Answer the question, Eva. Do you wish to leave here as Visel’s wife? If so—” He reached into his pocket and handed her a neatly folded paper.
Eva unfolded it and stared. It was a special license with both her and Godric’s names on it.
“If you do not want him, you will leave with me and the matter will be forgotten.” His expression was cool and dispassionate.
At first Eva thought the snapping sound she heard happened in the room, but then she realized it was only inside her own head. Something had broken—some bond or barrier—and years’ worth of anger came forth in a torrent.
Eva jumped to her feet. “Don’t,” she said in a voice that was so like his—so quiet and cold—that she momentarily shocked herself. “Don’t talk to me like that—like I’m nothing more than a problem to be solved and then filed away.”
If anything, his eyes became colder. “And how should I talk to you? Should I congratulate you for bringing me tearing across the country on such a matter?”
“No,” she whipped back. “Of course not. But you don’t have to treat me like a recalcitrant child.”
He gave a laugh that was utterly mirthless. “A child? You kidnapped a man. Not only that, but you did so with the assistance of a servant, a commoner who could be transported if Visel saw fit to bring charges against him for such a crime.”
The truth of his words was like a club and she shuddered at the danger she’d exposed her very best friend to. “I did it for Gabriel,” she retorted, barely able to force the words out. “I just wanted to help him, Papa. I didn’t—”
God. What if they’d been caught? What if Godric hadn’t been who he was, but a petty individual disposed to punish those weaker than himself? What if James had gone to jail?
Eva squeezed her eyes shut, but the tears flowed anyway.
And then the impossible happened: strong arms closed around her, the unprecedented action robbing her of all the strength she’d husbanded for this confrontation. She gave in to her emotions and sagged against her father’s lean, spare body, her own shaking with the force of her weeping. The events of the past weeks and months were a jumble in her mind—those of the last few days even more confusing. But somehow he managed to keep it all at bay, by holding her tight with one arm and stroking her hair with his free hand.
“Shhh, Eva,” he murmured, his breath hot on her scalp. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice strained. “You are right, Daughter. I should speak to you as a woman, not a girl.”
His apology—and the admission that followed—was so surprising that her convulsive sobs stopped as abruptly as they’d started.
Her father had apologized to her.
She felt his body shake and realized he was chuckling—the Marquess of Exley was actually laughing. Eva was glad he was holding her upright or she might have fainted from the shock of it.
“If I’d known those words would quiet you so quickly, I might have used them years ago.” The gentle amusement in his voice made her heart expand with all the love she felt for him; all the love he didn’t want from her.
His hand continued its soothing stroking, his low voice rumbling through her. “I wish your stepmamma were here, Eva. She’d know what to say. Mia always knows what to say.” He sighed. “I’ve not been much of a father to you, I know.” She made a demurring noise. “No, don’t deny it,” he said, his voice heavy with regret as he released her, holding her at arm’s length until they could meet each other’s eyes. Eva could only gaze in wonder. When had her father ever worn this expression before? Self-doubt, shame, and a host of other emotions mingled on his usually expressionless visage.
He released her and she wanted to pull him back, but he left her only long enough to bring his chair closer to hers. “Sit,” he said, taking her hand when she did so, his fingers warm and strong. “It doesn’t matter what happened between you and Visel these past few days, or who knows about it.” She knew what he meant: consummation. “I will not let you go to a man who will not value and respect you.” He hesitated, his pale face flushed, and he gave a smile that almost looked shy. “I love you too much to do that, Eva.” She blinked and he laughed. “She will be insufferable.” At her confused look he said, “Mia has told me for years that I should tell my children how I feel.” An expression of pain spasmed across his face. “I would give my life for you, Eva, and I want only happiness for you.”
Eva’s eyes began to tighten and his lips curved into a smile that actually showed a flash of slightly crooked teeth. Had she ever seen her father’s teeth before?
“Please don’t cry again, Eva; it turns me into a puling coward.”
Eva gave a watery laugh at his ridiculous claim.
“I wish you had time to make this decision, but there is none. Not only is the situation volatile, but I must get back.” He didn’t have to say why, and she certainly agreed with him. “If you decide you wish to leave with me, rest assured I will see that no word of these past few days gets out.” His expression hardened and Eva shivered at the cold determination she saw; the man was implacable.
“You should know that Byer has expressed a desire to marry you. When he learned that you were with Visel, well, he expressed his feelings for you most vocally. I’ll be the first to admit I’d not expected such depths from the man,” he said musingly, and then shrugged. “He told me he loves you.” An hour ago that news would have stunned her, but she’d seen the truth of her father’s claim in Tommy’s eyes. “You needn’t accept Byer or Visel, Eva. You can come home to Exham. Mia and I were planning to tell you this summer that you needn’t return to London. The only reason we insisted on one Season was to give you an opportunity to experience something other than school or life at Exham. It wasn’t meant to be a punishment.”
He looked so remorseful that Eva felt bad about the way she’d behaved for months on end. “It wasn’t all a punishment, Papa. I enjoyed being with Gabe and Drusilla. But I do not want to have another Season—especially without them.”
“So that is settled, then. If yo u decide to come back, we can find something else for you to do.” His lips twitched up on one side. “I know you’ve got a fine eye for cattle and I wouldn’t be opposed to giving in to Brewster’s incessant nagging to buy more bloodstock. We’ve certainly got the room for you to try your hand at breeding—on a small scale,” he added when Eva squeezed his hand hard enough to make him wince.
“Oh, Papa! Really?”
He was definitely smiling now. “Oh, Eva, really.”
She warmed under his teasing more than his actual offer, although the offer was the culmination of all her dreams. She could return to Exham and actually raise horses? It had been all she’d wanted since the time she’d cajoled Brewster to allow her to attend her first foaling.
It sounded too good to be true. Eva met his questioning, curious stare. “You really mean I could choose my own stock, have a hand in actual daily operations and not just watch from a ladylike distance?”
He raised his hands in a gesture of surrender. “Yes, yes, yes. You will be your own mistress in this matter—short of bringing your cattle into the castle or moving yourself into the stables, of course.” He hesitated and then said, “For some time Mia has argued you have talents that are not being utilized. I agree—you are a superlative horsewoman. She’s also argued you should be allowed to develop your talents without certain, er, how did she put it—ignorant male hindrance.”
Eva laughed. Yes, that sounded like Mia.
He gestured to her clothing. “I agree that gowns in the foaling or breeding sheds are dangerous.” Eva began to grin and he lifted an admonishing finger. “You will be allowed such liberties on my property only, Eva. The first time I catch you riding astride in town and scandalizing villagers—”
“Of course, Papa.” She bit down on her smile. It was like a dream come true; it was the only thing she’d ever wanted.
Godric’s face, red, smiling, and sweaty, flashed through her mind’s eye. Not the only thing you’ve ever wanted.
She lifted her hands to her hot cheeks and shook her head. No.
It is true. You’ve had him for these few nights and you want more. You want more of him and the things he can do to you, for you . . .
Her father squeezed her hand, the action piercing her erotic imaginings. “The decision is up to you, Eva.”
He released her hand and stood. “I will leave you for a little while to think on it. I am taking Bounder into town. I left James in charge of securing a decent team for our chaise.”
“James is here?” The marquess winced at her screech. “Sorry, Father, but—I’m just surprised he is with you.”
“It seemed a prudential decision for several reasons.” He frowned at her. “He was quite stricken to have left you, Eva.”
She nodded miserably.
“I know you are not insensible to the wrongs you have done him, or the difficult position you put him in,” he said, reading her expression accurately. “I assured him that he mended the situation as well as he could have after his initial mistake.”
“It was all my fault, Papa. James didn’t want to come along. I know he just came to keep me safe.”
“I know it was your fault. But perhaps in the future he will know to talk some sense into you or find somebody else who will talk some sense into you, before giving in to your every demand.”
“Thank you for not punishing him, Papa.”
One dark brow arched. “It is not for me to punish him. I will leave that in Brewster’s capable hands.”
Eva winced; James’s father was as terrifying as her own.
“Yes, just so,” the marquess said, once again interpreting her correctly. “Now, if there is nothing else?”
Eva shook her head as she looked up into her father’s blue eyes—eyes clouded with concern now rather than disappointment—and thought of Godric’s, and how she’d believed they were similar. Other than being blue, they were nothing alike, she saw now. Oh, her father and Godric were both strong, powerful men—they shared that characteristic. She respected her father a great deal and saw many of his qualities in Godric—for all that Godric had behaved like a madman these past months.
But he’d not acted like a madman these past few days. He’d apologized for how he’d behaved and appeared genuinely ashamed of his actions. If there was one thing Eva could sympathize with, it was being ashamed of one’s actions.
As the door closed behind the marquess, she sagged back in her chair.
She could lie to herself all day long, but the truth was that she did want Godric.
He’ll never love you. He doesn’t even want to marry you—and he certainly doesn’t want to have a child or family with you.
I’m not looking for love—I’m not even looking for marriage, and certainly not with a man like Godric Fleming.
Oh, Eva.
The voice was so sad it actually made her stop and think; was she looking for love?
She growled at the foolish thought. You don’t know the first thing about what I want, she foolishly accused her own mind.
If your father’s offer is indeed your only dream, then why is there any question about your decision at all?
Eva gritted her teeth against the infallible logic. Godric made a similar offer—he even mentioned having an aunt who’d bred horses. So the decision isn’t between having my dream or abandoning Godric. I can have horses and Godric.
Yes, but Godric made that offer when he thought the two of you would be forced to marry. What do you think he would say now, Eva—now that he might not be doomed to a future chained to a woman whose children he never wants to have? Or perhaps you think the marquess gave Godric the same choice to shab off as he’s given you?
Eva knew her father wouldn’t have given Godric that choice. She held both their futures in her hands.
The relentless voice in her head had one last question: So, what do you think Godric would do if he held both your futures in his hands?
Eva closed her eyes, but that offered no reprieve from the truth: if Godric had been given the same choice as she, Eva would already be rolling away in a carriage with her father.
The door to the parlor opened and Eva’s head jerked up.
Tommy strode in and shut the door with a decisive click. “I need to speak to you,” he said, his voice almost harsh. In the five years she’d known Thomas Byer, she’d never heard anything but flippancy, amusement, and mockery from him. The man looking down at her with dark, unsmiling eyes bore no resemblance to the Tommy she knew.
“Of course, Tommy. Please, have a seat.”
Unlike her father, he’d not bathed or changed since his arrival, and his face was taut, dusty, and tired as he dropped into the chair the marquess had just vacated. That was another thing she’d never seen before: Thomas Byer looking anything less than immaculate. The man was almost prettier than she was, and he certainly took more pains when it came to grooming his magnificent body and handsome face. He was, in other words, a dandy. But not today.
“You cannot throw away your life like this, Eva.”
“I’m not—”
He lifted a hand in an imperious gesture. “I know you can be the most stubborn creature on earth, but now is not the time to allow your willful nature free rein.”
Eva scowled. “Why do—”
“I realize saying something like that is the best way to get your hackles up, but you know I am speaking sense. Come away with your father and me. I’ll take care of you.” He hesitated. “It would be my honor to take care of you. You don’t need to marry Visel just to avoid scandal. In fact—” His cheeks flushed. “In fact, I forbid it.”
All the confusion she’d been feeling at his words coalesced into anger, like a boiling pot converting water to steam. Here was yet another man who thought he knew what was best for her.
“It may surprise you to hear this, Lord Byer, but I don’t want to be taken care of. Indeed, it may surprise you to know I’m tired of being treated like a slobbering infant.” He opened his mouth but she raised her hand. “And it particularly might surprise you to know that I am capable of making my own decisions.” Her eyes narrowed at the open skepticism that flashed across his face before he could hide it.
Of all the arrogant, conceited, obnoxious—
“I am not saying you are incapable of making your own decisions, Eva. I am saying you are dreadfully outmatched when it comes to pitting your wits against Visel. This is the same man who goaded Gabe to violence.” He paused, his patient, long-suffering expression only making her more furious. “This is the same man who mocked you—your incipient madness—at every opportunity these past few months. You are not thinking clearly, Eva.”
“When did you become so knowledgeable about what I think, Tommy?” He flinched at the heat in her tone. “The only thing you know about me is what you see or what I’ve told you. You like my exterior well enough—just as a great number of other men do.” His sudden flush told her that was a home truth. “As to anything beyond that, the only things I’ve ever told you about myself are superficial—my love of horses, my hatred of balls and fussy gowns. The truth is, you know nothing about me and yet you are prepared to make one of the most important decisions of my life—for me. Your arrogance is simply breathtaking. I would never presume to do the same thing to you—”
“That is because I’m a man and you are a young girl barely out of the schoolroom—”
“A girl, Tommy? Is that what you are thinking when you look at me? Is that how you would treat me if I were to accept your offer to take care of me? Like a girl?”
His already flushed face turned a dull red as he absorbed the unmistakable tenor of her words.
“Very well,” he said, “I do want you as a man wants a woman and have done for quite some time.” The flash of heat she saw in his eyes was unmistakable to her, now that she’d seen a similar look in Godric’s. Tommy wanted her—wanted to do the same things Godric had done to her. Yet the knowledge gave her no joy. Not like thinking about Godric.
Tommy laid a hand on her shoulder. “But that is a different point, Eva. As to the situation that you are in right now? Well, when it comes to worldly matters, you should defer to those with more—nay, with any—experience of the world outside of nineteen years in the country and one Season in town.”
She jerked away from him. “You have no right to—”
“Will he give you children, Eva? Will he give you a family?” he asked harshly. “You needn’t speak. I know he won’t—I can see the answer on your face. He is afraid of the very blood that flows through your veins.”
The words were like the blow from a club. And they were all the more painful because she knew they were true. “How dare you?”
“I dare a great deal because I love you, Eva, and I have done almost from the first time I met you.” The air rang with his startling declaration. His face—handsome, familiar, belonging to a person she’d thought she knew—was that of an impassioned stranger. For the briefest moment, she thrust her angry indignation aside and ached for him, for the love she saw reflected in his eyes. She ached because she knew she could never return it.
A week ago she might have thought she could love him—but that was before these few days with Godric. Before Godric, she hadn’t even known the depth of emotion she was capable of feeling for a man. After all, other than a brief period of time when she’d mooned over one of her father’s grooms—a stout, scrubby-looking man who’d been as glorious as a centaur on horseback—she’d never felt the slightest twinge of interest for a man.
But now? Now she knew she could never return Tommy’s affection.
Eva struggled with the anger that still threatened to overtake her at his arrogance, instead considering the man before her. Tommy was her dear friend and deserved her kindness right now.
He leaned toward her, his gaze dark and intense. “Come with me, Eva. Let me take care of you. Let me cherish you as you deserve.”
“But, Tommy, I don’t love you.”
Rather than stop him, her words made him smile. “You like me well enough, don’t you?”
“Of course I do, but that’s—”
“Love will come in time, Eva. I know it. Besides, you don’t love him either, so that doesn’t—” He stopped, his handsome eyes widening as they fixed on her face, all the color that had built in his cheeks slowly draining away. “My God, Eva. Tell me you aren’t so foolish as to believe you love him?” He gave a derisive snort. “Whatever you feel for him is infatuation, Eva, nothing more. This marriage would be a tragedy for you, can’t you see? He fears the strain of madness he believes runs through your veins. You are tainted to him. He despises not only your family, but who and what you are. Even if you do love him, he would never, ever love you and would—”
“That is quite enough, my lord.” Eva’s entire body shook with rage at a lifetime’s worth of having to listen to others tell her how she felt, or how she should feel. “As foolish as my feelings may or may not be, they are none of your concern. You’ve made your point—and your feelings—clear. Trust me when I say both are greatly unwanted. Now, I beg you will take your advice, your love, and your person out of my sight.”
“Eva, I didn’t mean—”
She turned her back on him.
There was a long moment of silence, and then she heard his booted feet and the opening and closing of the door.
Eva commenced furious pacing. How dare he? How dare he presume to say such things to me? To—
To what? To tell you the truth? That Visel never wanted you as a wife? Do you really need somebody else to tell you that?
It’s not the truth! It’s not!
Eva knew she was behaving like a child. There was only one person who could tell her whether it was the truth or not.
One way or another, Eva would get an answer out of him.