THE HOT POOL turned out to be in a small hidden gorge just behind the lodge. The water was a bright mineral blue and steam rose from it in clouds. A wooden path led to the pool from the lodge, which then gave on to a flat area flagged in stone with some stone steps that led down into the water. A small wooden changing cabin stood nearby, well equipped with thick, fluffy towels, though they didn’t need the cabin and Isla didn’t need her bikini either since they were swimming naked.
Orion was already in the water by the time Isla had finished stripping off, and he stood in the middle of the pool, by the stone steps, his hand outstretched to help her down. She was freezing, the stone beneath her bare feet icy, and as she took his hand and went quickly down into the hot water, she gasped a little at the shock of it. It felt so warm and silky sliding over her skin after the frigid air, making her shiver.
The pool was wonderfully deep and she followed Orion into the deeper water, getting her shoulders under and sighing in pleasure as the heat stole away the remaining cold.
There was something magical about being submerged in warm water while snow drifted in the air.
The gorge itself was lit with small lights powered by solar batteries, the illumination enough to see the path and the edge of the pool, but not enough to obscure the glittering black bowl of the night sky upturned above them.
Orion was behind her, his powerful arms circling her as she leaned back against him, looking up at the stars. He’d promised her the northern lights tonight and she was excited to see them. In fact, she’d been excited about everything the past couple of days and she couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt that.
She hadn’t regretted her decision to sleep with him again, not for a single moment. And when he’d laid claim to her body that morning, she’d decided that well, he could have it. She hadn’t thought what would happen the next day when she’d given herself to him in the hallway the day before, and that he wanted to keep her in his bed for the whole of the next ten days was okay by her. More than okay.
She still felt bad that her gifts to him weren’t nearly as wonderful as his were. He’d said that he wanted to know more about her, but she was running out of interesting things to tell him. Were her favourite colour and food really all that interesting? He’d been amused by her Christmas confession, which had pleased her, and then he’d been so understanding when she’d told him why. And when he’d told her about his own childhood, and how similar it had been to hers, she’d felt...almost amazed. She’d met very few people who’d had similar experiences and to find that he’d been in the foster system too... Well, it had felt as if a bond had been created between them.
She felt vaguely ashamed of herself that she hadn’t known. Then again, she hadn’t liked him for a long time and had told herself she didn’t want to know anything about him. Perhaps if she’d known about his childhood, she might have felt differently.
Not that it mattered. She felt differently about him now. In fact, she thought she might like him now. She definitely liked the way he touched her, the bonfire they created between them when they were in bed together. And she liked how he listened to her, looking at her as if every word that came out of her mouth was of intense interest to him. She liked how he teased her and how there was affection and warmth in his cold, deep voice whenever he did so. And she liked how he responded when she teased him, the amber of his eyes glinting with a wickedness that only made her want to tease him even more.
In fact, the only shadow on the day had been that morning when they were in bed together and he’d said, ‘You’ll find a family of your own one day, Snow White.’
She didn’t know why that made a kind of hollowness gather in her chest. Because she would find a family of her own one day. A family that was hers, that she got to keep. Who wouldn’t send her away or be disappointed because she wasn’t what they wanted.
It wouldn’t be with Orion, naturally. It would be with someone who wanted the same things she did. Who would be good for the company, of course, and who would love to have children, because she wanted children.
She didn’t have to be in love with him. Love had been a scarce commodity in her own life—in fact, she didn’t know if anyone had ever loved her, apart from her mother—but she’d managed to survive without it so far. And if it took time for love to develop between her and her chosen partner, then she was fine to wait for it.
You could fall in love with Orion.
The thought streaked through her brain like a comet streaking through the night sky, a brief burst of glowing light that she quickly shoved away. No, she wasn’t going to fall in love with Orion. Absolutely not. He didn’t love her and while that wasn’t necessary, she did want someone who’d stick around for the duration. And he definitely wouldn’t. He’d already told her that she was only here so he could get to the bottom of his fascination with her and then once he had, he’d move on.
Plus, he’d said that he hoped she’d find her family one day, obviously implying that it wouldn’t be with him. Which was fine. Absolutely fine. She didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t want her and didn’t want what she wanted.
Their marriage had to stand for a year, according to his promise, but after that she’d be free to find someone else. She didn’t know why that thought made her throat close up.
Orion shifted her head so it rested on his shoulder and then pointed out a few of the major constellations, murmuring softly in her ear.
‘Where’s your belt?’ she said, hoping to make him laugh.
And he did, a soft rumble in her ear. ‘Very funny.’
‘I bet you get that a lot.’
‘Not as much as you might think.’ His hands drifted over her beneath the water, undemanding and gentle.
The sky was black and deep above them, the stars glittering pinpricks of light.
Except she couldn’t concentrate on the sky, not when she was resting against his hot skin and his hands were on her, making her shiver and ache, making her long for something she couldn’t name.
‘Are you going to tell me any secrets?’ she asked him idly. ‘Or do I only get a fun itinerary of excursions?’
His hands stroked down her thighs. ‘Do you want secrets from me?’
She wasn’t sure why she was asking him about it. Probably because all her gifts to him seemed lame in comparison with volcano tours, skating and hot pools. Plus, he said he was fascinated with her and wanted to know her, but she wanted to know about him too. And he hadn’t told her much about himself.
‘I like what you’ve given me so far, don’t get me wrong,’ she said. ‘I’ve loved the volcano and the skating, and this pool is magical, but... You know quite a lot about me, but I don’t know anything about you apart from the fact that you were in the foster system.’
His hands slid up over her stomach and cupped her breasts. ‘I wasn’t aware you were interested in more than excursions.’
There was no heat in the words and yet she could sense a sudden tension in him. ‘Perhaps I am.’ She tried to sound as if she didn’t care one way or the other. ‘Perhaps I’d like to hear a couple of secrets. I can’t be the only one to give up mine.’
He didn’t say anything for a long moment. ‘That would constitute an extra present.’
‘I know, but I gave you an extra one yesterday,’ she pointed out. ‘A kiss and me.’
His thumbs circled her nipples lazily. ‘Are you sure you wouldn’t rather have something else?’
He was trying to distract her. Which meant that he didn’t want to tell her. So, did that mean he did have secrets? And did that also mean that they were painful? If his childhood hadn’t been easy then his life couldn’t have been, so maybe they were.
‘I might,’ she allowed, since she was starting to feel hot and it wasn’t just the water in the pool. ‘But I’d rather have a secret first.’
For a long moment he was silent. Then his hands dropped from her breasts and he slid an arm around her waist, bringing her over to the side of the pool where there was a stone seat beneath the water.
He sat her down on it and then sat beside her, tilting his head back as he stared up at the sky. ‘When I was sixteen I fell in love, and she fell pregnant unexpectedly. She came from a wealthy family, and I was just a sixteen-year-old foster kid working in a garage, and her family didn’t approve. When they found out about the pregnancy, they stopped me from seeing her, and when our son was born, they stopped me from seeing him too.’
Isla went very still. His voice was smooth and even, betraying no hint of his feelings. He said the words as if they’d happened a long, long time ago and to someone else.
‘I was furious, of course. When Cleo’s father told me I couldn’t see my son, that I wasn’t even named on his birth certificate, I took a baseball bat from home and smashed up his car with it. That naturally enough earned me a police warning and a non-molestation order.’
The breath went out of her, a soundless sigh of shock. Again, his face betrayed nothing but casual interest as he stared at the sky. But the fact that he was searching it so intently told her everything she needed to know.
This was painful for him. Terribly, exquisitely painful.
‘I swore that I’d get him back at some point,’ Orion went on. ‘When I had enough money and power, and about ten years ago, that’s exactly what I did. Or at least that’s what I intended to do.’
Isla realised she’d gone tense in the water, staring at him fascinated. ‘What happened?’ she asked, because something had. She hadn’t heard anything about him having a child.
‘Oh, I decided that I’d leave him with his family,’ Orion said casually. ‘I walked in during his birthday party and he was surrounded by his family, and he was so...happy.’ For the first time Isla heard a hint of roughness in his voice. ‘I couldn’t take him away from that. He didn’t know me. He didn’t even know I existed. And I couldn’t bring myself to take a ten-year-old boy away from the only family he’d ever known. So I turned around and walked out.’
There was a lump in Isla’s throat, and it was painful. She swallowed, her heart aching. A few days ago she wouldn’t have believed him. He was a man who took what he wanted, when he wanted it—that’s what he’d told her. Yet he hadn’t taken back his own child. He’d seen that his son was happy and he’d put his child’s happiness before his own.
What must it have been like for him to come into that party and see his son surrounded by people who loved him? Seeing him happy? And knowingly giving that up for himself...
Isla stared at Orion’s rough, handsome profile as he looked up into the sky. At the hard lines of his face. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said thickly. ‘That must have been—’
‘Good,’ he said, cutting her off. ‘It was good. And satisfying to know he was loved and he was happy.’ His hard mouth curved in a smile that had nothing of amusement in it. ‘The gift of my absence was the only thing I could give him in that moment and so that’s what I gave him.’
She could hear the roughness in his voice again, so very slight and not at all noticeable if she hadn’t been listening for it. But she had been listening for it.
The gift of his absence...
God, how painful that must have been for him. He was an intense man, a passionate man, and there was fire in him deep down. She’d seen it burn. He must have wanted his child badly and to have to give that child up. To have that child never even know he existed...
Her heart twisted painfully and tears prickled behind her eyes. But it wasn’t her sadness to bear, it was his, so she forced it away. ‘Have you ever tried to meet him since?’ she asked. ‘Or has he ever tried to contact you?’
Orion shook his head. ‘I decided it would be easier for all concerned if I just pretended he didn’t exist for me the way I didn’t exist for him. So no, I haven’t contacted him nor has he contacted me. I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing and it’s better that way.’
Isla looked away, blinking fiercely against the insistent tears. ‘How could they take him away from you?’ she couldn’t help asking, her heart burning at the unfairness of it. ‘How could they not even acknowledge you?’
He shrugged. ‘I was just some poor kid who’d impregnated their daughter. And Cleo... She was so young and she was scared. I told her I’d look after her, but I wouldn’t have been able to. I was sixteen. I had no qualifications and my job was part-time and paid a pittance. I couldn’t have looked after a partner and a child, no matter how badly I wanted to at the time.’
‘That wasn’t fair,’ she said, knowing she shouldn’t keep pressing the issue, but unable to stop herself. ‘They should have allowed you contact at least.’
Orion finally glanced at her, amber eyes dark. ‘After I’d taken a baseball bat to the family car? I don’t think so. And I don’t blame them for it either. I was young and stupid and full of rage, and I wouldn’t have allowed contact with me either.’
He’s not angry, so why are you? It’s not your trauma.
Except he was angry, she was sure of it. He was so rigidly controlled, keeping all the fire inside him locked down, and there had to be a reason for that. Was it to do with his son? Was it to do with the fury he must still feel and the pain that had to be there? Fury and pain that had nowhere to go and so he simply locked them both away?
She stared into his eyes and yes, she could see that wolf gold gleaming. He felt the pain of having a child he could never acknowledge, and the rage of having that child taken from him. Then the agony of knowing he could never see that child again, because that was what was best for the child.
I gave him the gift of my absence...
No one would ever know what he’d sacrificed. No one except her.
Isla didn’t know what to say. She didn’t have a child, but she knew what it was like to have the family she’d once longed for denied, and she knew how painful that was.
So she turned to him, shifting on the stone seat so she was sitting in his lap, facing him. Then she took his face between her hands and kissed him.
Isla’s mouth was soft and hot and he could taste salt on her lips. They were tears, tears for him.
He wanted to tell her that she didn’t need to cry for him, that what had happened with Luke was all in the past. That he was done with it now and had come to terms with it. But there was something burning inside him, the rage and the pain that had never dissipated despite the years and all the assurances he’d made to himself. The love for a son he would never know and who would never know him.
It enraged him to feel any of those things. He’d thought he’d cut them out of his heart, but it seemed they were still there, and they ached, they burned.
He shouldn’t have told her about Luke. He should never have said anything, but she’d wanted a secret from him and that was the only secret he had. He’d thought he should tell her anyway, after that conversation they’d had in bed that morning, and how she’d mentioned wanting a family. Whether she felt anything for him at all beyond desire or not, she should know at least that she couldn’t look to him for that family, and here was the one reason why.
It should have been easy to tell her. It shouldn’t have hurt. Yet when he’d turned to her and found her watching him, anger burning in her blue eyes, he could feel the pain ache inside him.
She’s right. It wasn’t fair.
Perhaps it wasn’t, but there was nothing to be done about it now. He’d made his decision back in that Chelsea townhouse and if he had to make that decision again, he’d make the same one. But he didn’t want her to hurt for it. That wasn’t why he’d told her.
He lifted his hands and pulled hers away from him, raising his head. She was staring at him, the expression on her face fierce with sorrow and anger.
‘Don’t,’ he said. ‘Don’t be sad for me. It was the only decision I could have made.’
‘I know. Of course you wouldn’t have wanted to take him away from his family. But you’re his family too. You know that, don’t you?’
Something shifted inside him, the ache a grief that never went away. He ignored it. ‘I’m not his father, Isla,’ he said. ‘I didn’t bring him up. I haven’t been in his life. I’m nothing but a stranger to him.’
‘You are his father. His biological father.’ Her eyes glinted deep sapphire in the night. ‘He’ll want to know where he came from and what happened to you and I know that, because I never knew my biological father myself. He wasn’t on my birth certificate. I’ve got nothing and I wish I could have had something.’
She was warm and slippery and silky in his lap and there were many other things they could be doing right now other than talking about a past that was dead and gone.
‘Let it go.’ He put his hands on her hips, holding her carefully. ‘I have.’
‘No, you haven’t.’ She was still staring fiercely at him. ‘You’re angry, Orion. I can see it in your eyes. And it hurts you, doesn’t it?’
He could feel the heat of it in his chest, the sharp edges of a fire that had never burned itself out. She saw too much, his snow maiden.
‘I made my choice,’ he said flatly. ‘I let him go. And it’s easier if he stays gone.’
‘Easier for who? For him or for you?’
Anger gathered in his gut and he couldn’t help responding to it. ‘This is none of your business, Isla, and I didn’t ask for your input.’
Yet her jaw was tense and she didn’t look away. ‘He’ll be twenty now. He’ll be an adult. He’ll be able to make decisions for himself about whether he finds out who is father is.’
‘Yes, well, and he hasn’t.’ The words came out of him with such bitterness he could hardly believe he’d said them.
Isla’s gaze flared, a deep sympathy in it that caught at the edges of his emotions as if they were still raw and new, making them hurt. ‘Oh, Orion,’ she said softly.
Abruptly he couldn’t bear to be there with her any longer. He didn’t want her looking at him like that, he didn’t want her digging at the wound in his heart he’d thought long healed. He’d come to terms with the fact that he didn’t have his son in his life and he’d chosen that himself. The fact that Luke hadn’t contacted him was neither here nor there, and he wasn’t upset about it. At all.
He tightened his grip on her hips, wanting to put her off his lap, but her arms were around his neck all of a sudden, and her cheek was against his shoulder, and he could feel the soft heat between her thighs pressing against him.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘I don’t mean to push you. I don’t want to make it worse. It’s just...not fair. You’re a good man and you didn’t deserve for him to be taken away from you.’
His throat was tight for a second and he couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. ‘I was angry,’ he heard himself say. ‘I smashed up that car. No child deserves a violent, angry father.’
‘You were a sixteen-year-old boy.’ Isla turned her head and kissed his chest, her lips warm against his skin. ‘A boy who’d been through the foster system. It’s not as if you had the emotional maturity to know what you were doing. And they didn’t give you a chance. That’s on them, not you.’
Orion shut his eyes. He didn’t know why he was still sitting there, listening to her, when he’d been about to get up and leave. He wanted distance, didn’t he? He didn’t want to keep talking, not about Luke. He’d made the right decision all those years ago, he had.
‘I couldn’t go back,’ he said hoarsely. ‘I knew I wouldn’t be welcome and besides, I couldn’t do anything. Cleo’s father had money and contacts and I was...nothing. But I swore that one day, when I had money and power, I’d come back for him. Except I couldn’t take him then either.’
Isla pressed another kiss to his chest. ‘You put your child first. That’s what a good father does.’
He wasn’t gripping her now, his hands still on her thighs, the ache in his heart sharp and jagged. ‘If I was a good father, I’d have fought for him more.’ He shouldn’t be telling her this and yet he couldn’t seem to stop. ‘If I was a good father, I wouldn’t have let him go.’
‘You didn’t let him go.’ Isla lifted her head, her blue gaze burning. ‘You couldn’t stop them, because you were too young. And by the time you were old enough to get him, you couldn’t. Not without destroying his life.’
He knew that was only the truth and yet... Why did it feel as if he could have done things differently? As if he’d let his son slip through his fingers. As if he hadn’t fought for him at all.
And you’re doing the same thing now.
The thought slid through him, sharp and insidious, and abruptly he was sick of talking.
He shifted one hand to her hip and gripped it, before sliding his fingers up her inner thigh. ‘I’m tired of talking about this,’ he said roughly. ‘I’d prefer to do something else.’
But Isla ignored him. ‘Why haven’t you looked for him?’
The question felt like the edge of a knife against his skin. ‘Didn’t you hear me?’ he snapped. ‘This subject is closed.’ It was a warning and he’d intended it to be.
Yet again, she just ignored him, her gaze searching. ‘What are you afraid of?’
The knife slid into him, so sharp he barely felt the cut. But he certainly felt the pain, bright and hot.
You know what you’re afraid of. That he’ll blame you. That he’ll tell you that you didn’t fight hard enough. That you didn’t want him enough. That he needed you and you weren’t there for him.
The water was warm, but he felt the ice in his gut, sharp as a sliver of glass.
He needed distance. He needed to get away from Isla and her interrogation, prompting him to question things he hadn’t questioned for years. To think about the boy he’d given up, the sacrifice he’d made because he’d thought it was the right thing.
It might have been, but then you cut him out of your life. How is that being a good father?
It wasn’t; that was the issue. What man repudiated his own son?
You never build. You only destroy.
He shoved the thought away and gently, but firmly, put Isla from his lap and back onto the stone seat.
‘Orion?’
He didn’t look at her, pushing himself off the seat and moving over to the stairs.
‘Orion.’ There was a splash and when he glanced behind him, she was moving through the water after him. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.’ She was upset, he could see that, her golden hair streaming down her back and floating like pretty golden kelp around her white shoulders. Her gaze had darkened. ‘Please don’t go.’
But the sliver of glass in the centre of his heart, the kernel of ice that had settled there the day he’d left his son for the final time, wouldn’t go away. And everything she said only made him more aware of it. More aware of the pain and the rage that he’d thought had been vanquished and hadn’t.
He shouldn’t be around her when he was like this. It wasn’t fair on either of them.
‘I have some work to catch up on.’ He tried to make his voice sound gentle and yet there was nothing of gentleness in him. ‘You can stay here for as long as you like. The northern lights are—’
‘I don’t care about the northern lights.’ The heat of the water had flushed her cheeks a deep pink and with her darkened eyes, she looked like a painting. A Venus in the water. ‘I hurt you.’
He laughed because the idea that he’d let anyone hurt him was preposterous. Yet the sound wasn’t quite as amused as it should have been. ‘You didn’t.’ He turned away, because if he didn’t get out now he was going to ruin her present with his mood and that was unacceptable. ‘There are towels—’
Slender arms slid around his waist, holding him tight and a soft, warm body pressed up against his back. He stilled, his heart beating uncomfortably fast.
‘Please don’t go,’ Isla whispered. ‘It won’t be the same if you’re not here.’
It felt as if there was a large boulder sitting on his chest and he wasn’t sure why. ‘I’m not in the mood for swimming.’ His voice was too rough. ‘And I don’t want to spoil it for you.’
‘You won’t spoil it for me. I was pushing and I shouldn’t have, and I’ll stop.’
The tightness in his chest shifted. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll still see you in bed later.’
‘I don’t... It’s not about sex.’ Her arms closed tighter around him. ‘I want you, your company. Please. Don’t let me push you away.’
A cold shock went through him. Is that how she saw it? Did she think this was her fault? Her questions might have touched on some old wounds, but it was his baggage they were dealing with, not hers.
He could have pulled away then. Got out of the pool and headed back to the lodge. Left her there in the night to experience the beauty of the aurora on her own. But she didn’t want that, he could hear the plea in her voice.
For some inexplicable reason, a completely baffling reason, she wanted him. And not just his body and the physical pleasure it could bring her, but she wanted him. She wanted his company. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had wanted that.
His life was all about business, about the hunt. He had colleagues, but he didn’t cultivate friends. No one wanted to be friends with a pirate after all, and the ones who did were pirates themselves and he didn’t trust them.
The women he slept with loved spending time with him, but only in bed. They didn’t want to spend time with him. Then again, he’d never encouraged closeness, not with anyone.
He hadn’t encouraged it with Isla either and yet somehow, here she was with her arms around him, wanting him to stay. Wanting his company.
Leaving was what he should do. But for some reason, around her, he never did what he should.
Orion turned and looked down. She still had her arms around him, her dark gaze staring up into his, and he knew in that moment he couldn’t say no and he couldn’t leave. His temper still raged and his heart still ached, and yet when she said ‘please’ like that and ‘it won’t be the same without you’, he couldn’t refuse. He didn’t want to refuse. None of this was her fault after all.
‘It’s not you,’ he said quietly. ‘You didn’t push me away. This is an old wound and your questions brought up some...issues that I thought I’d dealt with. But they’re my issues, Isla, not yours. You have nothing to apologise for.’
‘Whether they are or not, I’m still sorry. I just don’t want you to go.’
He reached down and touched her cheek. ‘I don’t want to ruin your present.’
‘You’re not ruining anything.’ She leaned into his touch the way she had that morning in bed. ‘Please, come and tell me about the aurora.’
The tightness in his chest eased. And he realised that there was nothing he wanted to do more than hold her in the water, in the warmth, watching that sky.
So he put away his pain and his rage, and he held her in his arms as the aurora borealis lit up the night sky and turned everything to glory.