THE NEXT FEW DAYS were amongst the happiest Isla had ever had. She put aside her worries about the company and the board. About David. About her and Orion’s marriage. She put aside her worries about the future, full stop. It was the now that mattered and she’d decided to give herself to it wholeheartedly.
They continued the theme of gifts on the twelve days of Christmas and all Orion’s gifts were magical. There was another flight to one of Iceland’s gorgeous beaches and she saw blue-green icebergs sitting on the black sand like jewels. She took far too many photos of the icebergs and Orion and then made him take some photos of her.
There was an overnight trip to Amsterdam where they went to the Van Gogh Museum and she stayed there for hours, looking at the paintings with Orion patiently at her side. He didn’t seem to mind as she waxed lyrical about each painting in great detail, or as he carried the umpteen dozen bags from her raid on the gift shop afterwards. Though that night in the luxury hotel in the middle of town, she made it up to him by letting him do whatever he wanted with her naked body before doing the same for him.
He gave her so many wonderful things and she couldn’t help feeling that she was failing by comparison. Her gifts to him were telling him more about her favourite artists and then her favourite foods. She told him about her silly fears and wildest dreams, and how she wished she had more memories of her mother.
She wished she had more to give him than these silly little pieces of herself, but she didn’t know what. He didn’t seem to need anything else.
Except that scene in the gorge in the hot pool wouldn’t stop replaying in her head. Him telling her about the son he’d had taken from him, and then given up. There had been so much anger in his eyes, though he’d tried to dismiss it, and she hadn’t made things any easier by pushing him on it.
She should have let it go, but the unfairness of the whole situation made her so angry. He didn’t need her anger—it was clear he already had enough of his own—yet she hadn’t been able to help it. She could see how it was hurting him and that felt like pain in her own heart too.
She’d only wanted to know why he hadn’t contacted his son since, why he’d pretended that Luke didn’t exist. The boy would be an adult now and surely if Orion wanted some contact, he could have reached out. He was a man who took what he wanted after all.
Yet he hadn’t. And the only reason that made any sense to Isla was that he was afraid, though she didn’t know what he’d be afraid of. He might be a corporate pirate but underneath that detachment and ruthlessness, Orion was a good man. Protective, and whether he knew it or not, kind. He might have used a threat to get her to marry him, yet he’d treated her with nothing but respect since they’d arrived. He’d given her choices. He hadn’t forced her into anything.
She could understand that he might feel some trepidation about contacting his son, but to simply pretend that the boy didn’t exist? She didn’t understand that at all. And she might have dismissed it entirely if she hadn’t sensed the pain that lay beneath his anger.
The loss of his son had created a wound inside him and it hadn’t healed.
She hated that. He was a lion with a thorn in his paw and she wanted to be his Androcles. She wanted to take it out so he could heal.
As the days passed, she thought more about what she could do for him. She didn’t stop to ask herself why his pain mattered to her so much, because she didn’t want to delve too deeply into the reasons why. And when the idea of the perfect gift for him occurred to her as they flew back to Iceland from Amsterdam, she felt some trepidation. Because it was going to step over a line. Yet she couldn’t get it out of her head.
When they returned to the lodge, she did some research, combing through social media to find what she was looking for. She didn’t say anything to Orion—they hadn’t spoken of anything personal since that night in the pool and she didn’t want to rock the boat. Not when every moment she spent with him only made her want to spend more moments. Longer moments.
They discussed every subject under the sun, and she loved how he wasn’t afraid to admit it when he didn’t know something and how he always wanted to find out more. He told her a little more about his early life in the foster system and they traded stories with a black humour that most other people wouldn’t have understood, but they did.
Sometimes he’d go into his office to handle a couple of work things and when he did, she’d go back to her search. Then a few days after they returned from Amsterdam, she finally found what she was looking for: Cleo’s social media. Finding her son’s after that was relatively easy.
There were pictures of Luke, a tall, handsome young man with coal-black hair and very familiar amber eyes. He looked so much like Orion that Isla’s breath caught. And in a strange twist, she discovered that he was studying fine arts at university, and his social media pages were full of pictures of incredible sculptures he’d carved out of rock, and also of a lovely dark-haired girl who was clearly his girlfriend.
It felt wrong to look at pictures of him, to know more about him than his own father, but Isla couldn’t stop herself. Besides, it wasn’t as if Luke had been difficult to find. Orion could have looked for him at any time, yet he hadn’t.
The next day, Orion unveiled his next present to her—a Christmas tree.
It was a living tree in an enormous pot and it was huge, the top almost brushing the ceiling of the lounge, filling the room with the crisp scent of pine. It had been decorated with tinsel and silver baubles and there was an angel on the top.
Isla loved it.
‘You told me you’d never had a proper Christmas tree,’ Orion said, watching her as she stared up in wonder at the tree. ‘So I thought I’d provide you with your first.’
Her heart felt like he’d filled it up with light and now it was pressing painfully against her ribs. A sweet pain. She hadn’t thought he’d remember what she’d told him, but he had.
There were even a few carefully wrapped presents under the tree.
‘This is amazing,’ she said, reaching out to touch one of the delicate blue glass baubles. ‘I actually did have a tree once. It was in that family that in the end didn’t want me. They put up a little tree and there were decorations on it that their son had made and...and they put up one I had made too.’ Her throat closed at the memory. ‘It was the first time I felt like I was part of a family.’
There was warmth at her back and then Orion’s arms slid around her, pulling her up against the hard heat of his body. ‘I know it’s not the same,’ he murmured. ‘But we can have a tree at least.’
Yet it was almost the same. She felt at peace here with him and if she squinted a little, she could imagine that the decorations on the tree had been made by their own children. And a sudden vision filled her head, of Christmas morning here, with the tree up and the fire going, and children unwrapping presents to the sounds of laughter and shrieks of delight.
Her heart clenched tightly in her chest, a shaft of longing piercing her.
She wanted that for herself.
What if this marriage was real? What if it was for ever?
That shaft of longing ached and ached, but she ignored it. Wanting their sham marriage to be real was ridiculous. And she hadn’t known him long enough to start entertaining thoughts of a family with him, and apart from anything else, he’d basically implied that he wasn’t looking to make a family with anyone. And why would he? When the one he’d had had caused him so much pain?
Which reminded her...
Are you sure this is a good idea?
Isla ignored that thought too. It was an opportunity, that’s all it was, and he liked opportunities. He also didn’t have to take it if he didn’t want it, that was up to him. But he should still have the choice. He should know that there was a choice.
She stepped out of his arms and turned. ‘I love it, Orion,’ she said honestly. ‘It’s a beautiful gift.’
He smiled, his eyes full of warmth, and her heart caught. He was so gorgeous she sometimes didn’t know what to do with herself. ‘I hoped you’d like it,’ he said. ‘Now I’m feeling very smug.’
She wanted to tease him, tell him smugness wasn’t a new feeling for him, but she was suddenly nervous. Perhaps this wasn’t the right thing to do. But then... She hated the thought of this lion of a man going through the rest of his life with that thorn in his paw. With the constant nagging pain that wouldn’t go away.
It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right.
She swallowed and reached into her pocket for the piece of paper she’d put there that morning. ‘Now it’s time for my gift to you,’ she said, her heart beating uncomfortably fast in her chest.
Orion frowned slightly. ‘You look nervous,’ he observed. ‘Is it dangerous? An explosive of some kind?’
He was teasing her, which somehow made it worse. Perhaps this would ruin everything. He’d been upset before when she’d tried to push him in the pool about Luke, but... She had to do this. It was an opportunity, that’s all.
Isla pulled the piece of paper out of her pocket and held it out. ‘No. None of the above.’
Still frowning, Orion took the piece of paper and unfolded it, looking down at what she’d written. His frown deepened. ‘What’s this?’
Isla shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans. ‘It’s an email address.’
‘Whose email address?’
She took a breath and met his gaze. ‘It’s Luke’s. Your son’s.’
Orion went still, as if he’d been turned to stone, and yet something hot blazed suddenly in his gaze. ‘Where did you get it?’ He sounded so cool and calm, except she knew he was not. It was that blaze of gold in his eyes that gave it away.
You made a mistake.
A thread of ice wound through her, but she didn’t look away. Perhaps this was a mistake, yet she’d made it now. There was no other option but to keep going.
‘I found Cleo’s social media profiles.’ She tried to sound as calm as he did. ‘And from there it was easy to find Luke’s. He’s studying fine arts at university, and he has a girlfriend. His email address is there and I thought...’ She trailed off, her mouth dry.
Orion was standing so still, yet his golden eyes were blazing bright, fury rolling off him in waves. ‘You thought what?’ He sounded casual, as if he was asking her whether she preferred tea or coffee.
‘I thought you might want to contact him,’ she went on, because she’d given him the piece of paper now and there was no taking it back.
‘And what makes you think I might want to do that?’ His voice was dangerously soft.
Isla took a breath, her hands clenching in the pockets of her jeans. ‘It’s an opportunity, Orion. That’s all it is. You don’t have to take it if you don’t want to. But I... I wanted to give it to you nonetheless.’
‘Thank you,’ Orion said. ‘But this is one opportunity I think I’ll pass on.’ Then he moved over to the fire and casually threw the piece of paper into the flames, before turning around and walking straight out.
Anger moved in his blood like lava and once he was in his office with the door shut behind him, he had to stand in the middle of the room and take a couple of deep breaths just to stop himself from punching his fist through the nearest wall.
How dare she do that to him? How dare she bring up the subject of Luke again, after she’d told him that night in the gorge that she wouldn’t? How dare she look for him and find him and know him?
It was none of her goddamn business.
‘He’s doing fine arts at university and he has a girlfriend.’
Orion stormed over to his desk and put his hands flat onto the desktop and leaned on them, staring down at the wood. He couldn’t get a breath, rage and pain strangling him.
He didn’t want to know. He’d cut Luke out of his life on purpose, because it was easier. Who the hell did she think she was bringing him back again?
‘Easier for who? For him or for you?’
She’d said that to him the night in the pool, pushing him, bringing up old doubts and old fears and old agonies. Old griefs he didn’t want to deal with and didn’t want to face. He wanted them to stay dead and buried where he’d put them.
Behind him he heard a sound, the door opening and slamming shut.
He pushed himself away from the desk and turned around sharply.
Isla had followed him, and stood there in the middle of his office, her golden hair in a cloud around her head, her blue eyes full of sympathy and yet also full of determination. ‘I know you’re angry with me,’ she said. ‘And I know I overstepped. I’m sorry. But you have to know that I did it for you. Because you’re hurting.’
He bared his teeth at her, struggling to leash the anger that burned inside him. ‘Perhaps I wouldn’t be if you didn’t keep bringing up things I didn’t ask you to bring up.’
She didn’t seem to be cowed by his anger. She even took a step closer, as if it didn’t bother her in the slightest. ‘I know that. And you don’t have to do anything with the information. The choice is yours. But... Orion... He deserves to know you.’ She took another step closer. ‘He deserves to know what kind of father he has.’
Orion felt frozen even as the rage burned inside him. A fruitless, frustrated rage at the past. At all the chances that were taken from him. At the future he wanted so badly that had been denied him. He hadn’t thought he’d still feel that, but he did. And it was pointless. The past was dead and gone, and he’d already chosen his future.
‘The father he has is a man who destroys things,’ he said through gritted teeth. ‘A man who takes things apart. He doesn’t build anything. He doesn’t create. He ruins everything he touches.’
Isla’s eyes widened and a terrible compassion crossed her face. She moved, closing the distance between them. ‘No,’ she said softly, reaching for him ‘No, that’s not true.’
But before her hands could make contact, he grabbed her wrists, her skin warm against his fingers. He didn’t want her to touch him. He couldn’t bear the thought of it.
‘It is true,’ he said harshly, releasing her as quickly as he’d grabbed her. ‘I ruined the wedding you planned. I ruined your hope for a family by paying off your fiancé. I threatened you with the destruction of your company to get you to marry me, and I’m still planning on taking it apart when the year is up. Tell me, Isla. What haven’t I ruined?’
She blinked and he could see the sparkle of tears in her eyes. It tore something inside him. ‘You didn’t ruin anything,’ she said passionately. ‘Yes, you did those things, but you didn’t force me into anything, Orion. You gave me choices and I made them. And you don’t destroy things. You promised to keep the company intact and signed a legal agreement to do so. You created the most lovely Christmas here in the lodge, with a tree and presents. And you made me feel good about myself in a way no one ever has. You made me feel fascinating and precious and beautiful, as if I was worth something.’ Her voice thickened, becoming husky. ‘You made me feel wanted, Orion. And no one has ever made me feel that way, not one person.’
His chest tightened, but he shoved the feeling away. There was no room for anything but anger in his heart. ‘Don’t turn this into something it isn’t, Isla,’ he snapped harshly. ‘I bought you, remember? Your father sold you to me for the price of Kendricks’. And I only wanted you because I was fascinated by you. It was about my fascination, not you.’
She went pale. ‘So what are you saying? That everything we shared, everything we talked about, all those things you said to me... You didn’t mean any of them? You were only pretending?’
He’d known that would hurt her, yet there wasn’t any other way to make her see the truth of what he was. What he’d always been, even as a kid. Intense, desperate, wanting things he could never have. And what he couldn’t have, he destroyed, like the bond he’d destroyed with his son. Cutting Luke out of his life as if he didn’t exist.
He was selfish, that’s what he was, and she needed to understand that.
‘Of course, I was only pretending.’ He had to force out the words, the rough edge in his voice turning them sharp and jagged. ‘Did you truly think I meant any of it?’
She went white, her blue gaze darkening with hurt. ‘But...you told me you never said anything you didn’t mean.’
He had to end this. He had to bring this whole farce of a honeymoon to an end. He’d call a helicopter for her, send her back to the UK, get her out of his sight and out of his life, and then maybe once she was gone, everything would go back to normal.
‘Well,’ he said coldly. ‘I lied.’ He turned and went around the side of his desk, reaching into his pocket for his phone. He kept his gaze on the windows and the landscape outside. It was snowing, which wasn’t ideal. ‘I’m bringing this to a close, Isla,’ he went on. ‘It’s been a nice week, but I believe I’ve come to the end of my fascination with you after all. It’s time for you to go home.’
There was silence behind him, but he didn’t turn around and he wondered if she’d leave him alone now, and felt something else tear inside him at the thought.
But he should have known she wouldn’t go quietly. She had fire in her heart, the way he did, and abruptly she was coming around the desk and standing in front of him, small and curvy and as full of anger as he was.
‘So you’re just going to get rid of me like you did with Luke?’ she demanded, apparently not caring that perhaps speaking his son’s name wasn’t a good idea. ‘You’re going to cut me out of your life? Pretend I don’t exist either?’ Hurt glittered in her blue eyes. ‘What was it? Was it because I pushed? Because I got angry? Because I wanted too much?’
He held himself rigid, fought the need to reach for her and soothe her pain since that wouldn’t make this any easier, not for him or for her. ‘It’s not you, Isla.’
‘I don’t believe that,’ she flung back, her voice hoarse with pain. ‘Not for a second. It’s always me, Orion. Always. And no one ever tells me what I’m doing wrong, but it has to be something, otherwise why else would I always be the one who gets sent away?’ A tear slid down the side of her nose. ‘Why else would I always be the one no one wants?’
He’d wanted to push her away, to get her to storm out and away from him, but the pain in her eyes... Abruptly he hated himself and the lies he’d told her more than he’d thought possible.
He dropped his phone and reached for her, putting his hands on her hips and propelling her back against the windows and pinning her there with his body. She felt warm and soft against him and his rage began to change, to morph into something else, hotter and deeper and more demanding.
‘It’s nothing you did,’ he said fiercely, staring down at her, wanting her to believe this if nothing else. ‘I’m the destructive one. It’s better if you’re not anywhere near me.’
She was looking up at him, searching his gaze as if trying to find the truth there. ‘I told you, you’re not destructive,’ she said huskily, somehow bypassing his rage and seeing the agony that still lived in his heart, the grief for the son he’d had to let go. ‘Look, I know this is about Luke and I know you’re afraid. But both of us understand what it’s like to not have our parents in our lives. Wouldn’t you want the chance to talk to your dad if you could? Wouldn’t you want the chance to know him?’
She’s right.
He couldn’t remember his father or his mother, and part of him had been glad that he had no memories of them. Who’d want to remember parents who’d put an addiction to a drug over the needs of their own child? At least he hadn’t put his son through that.
‘Why would Luke want a father like me?’ he heard himself say in a voice that didn’t sound like his, so hoarse and raw. ‘A father who gave him up?’
Isla lifted her hands to his face, her fingers cool on his hot skin. ‘You didn’t give him up, Orion,’ she said softly. ‘You gave him happiness. You gave him a place where he was safe and loved, and that’s all a child really wants.’ Her eyes were full of tears. ‘And I know because that’s all I ever wanted too.’
He wasn’t sure when it changed, when the rage and the pain turned into heat and desperation. But it did. Perhaps it was the understanding in her eyes, the worry and the hurt that he knew was for him, and how she’d managed to tell him the one thing that made a difference. That walking away from his son had been the right thing to do. And of course she would know, she out of anyone would.
And you hurt her. You hurt her badly.
He’d only wanted to make this easier on both of them. A quick, clean ending. Yet by acting as though none of this past week had meant anything to him, that he’d been pretending all this time, he had hurt her in a place where she was exquisitely vulnerable: her own past and the rejections in it. It had been unconscionable of him and he regretted it with every part of him.
So he kissed her hard and deep, tasting her tears. Tasting her sweetness and the fire inside her. Tasting the understanding he’d never had from any other person. Wanting to give something back to her to make up for his cruelty, his selfishness. Especially when she was right. He’d been wrong to cut Luke out of his life. Wrong to let it go on so long, to pretend that his son didn’t even exist. Because he couldn’t. He’d never been able to.
‘I loved him,’ he whispered against her mouth. ‘I loved him so much and it killed me to walk away from him.’
‘I know.’ Her hands were in his hair, smoothing it back. ‘And Luke needs to know that too. He needs to know his father cared. You can’t deny him, Orion. You can pretend he doesn’t exist, but no matter what you do, you’ll always be his father. No one can take that away from you.’
The truth of it settled down in him like a weight. She was right about that too. It didn’t matter how much distance he put between himself and Luke, no matter how much he pretended he didn’t have a son, that didn’t change the fact that he did. And while life and circumstances had taken away his boy, the fact that he was Luke’s father didn’t change.
No one could take that away from him.
Need flooded through him, for her and for the gift she’d given him. Because she had given him a gift. The acknowledgement of his son. That he was Luke’s father, that his blood ran in Luke’s veins and that couldn’t be ripped from him. That he was as much a part of his son as his son was part of him.
Orion deepened the kiss, sweeping his tongue inside her mouth, wanting to give her back something as precious as what she’d just given him. Except he didn’t have anything except himself and his hunger and that’s what he gave her.
Her arms went around his neck and when he picked her up and held her against the glass, she twined her legs around his waist, arching into him. Pressing the soft heat between her thighs against his achingly hard groin, raising his desire to fever pitch.
Orion forgot everything. Everything but the need to be inside her. He held her pinned to the glass as he undid the zip of her jeans, tugging them down and her knickers too until she was open to him. Then he got his own jeans undone and after adjusting their positions slightly, seconds later he was pushing inside her, making them both gasp aloud.
Her blue eyes were dark with desire and he couldn’t look away, transfixed by all that burning sapphire. And as he moved inside her, he was conscious of something unfurling inside him, an awareness. Of her. Of the tight wet heat of her sex gripping him. Of her arms around his neck. Of her soft gasps of pleasure. Of her intoxicating scent.
Of her heart of fire.
And he knew.
He’d never get to the bottom of his fascination with her. There would be no end. She would continue to occupy his thoughts for the next week, the next month, the next year. She would continue to occupy his thoughts for ever.
Because his heart burned too and it always had. It burned with love for his son, a love he’d been trying to deny and yet in the end, hadn’t been able to. It was too powerful. And now it burned with love for her too.
She’d set it alight that day in the gallery and that fire had never gone out; he just hadn’t recognised it. Until now.
He moved harder, deeper, wanting to cover himself with her, inhale her sweetness and take it inside himself, because he knew too how this was going to end. He was going to have to give her up the way he’d given up Luke.
She wanted things he couldn’t give her. Things he was done with. She wanted a family and he didn’t. He’d had a family and it was gone, and he wasn’t going to do it again.
It would hurt her. It would hurt her badly, and yet there was no other way this could go. But before that moment, he could at least give her some pleasure to take with her, so he did, slipping his fingers between her thighs and stroking her as moved. Making her moan and cry out and twist against him.
The orgasm came before he was ready and he wanted to resist it, to draw out the ecstasy for as long as possible, but it was too intense. It swept over both of them, relentless as a king tide, leaving them both gasping, and he held her for a long time against the glass, neither of them speaking.
Finally, he eased away and let her down gently so she was standing once again, then dealt with their clothing, taking his time because this was the last time he would touch her. The last time he’d kiss her, stroke her hair, touch her skin.
It was agony when he finally stepped away, but he did it.
Perhaps she had a sense of what was coming because her face was pale once again, all the pretty colour from her orgasm leached away from her skin. ‘You’re still going to send me away, aren’t you?’
His heart ached at the hurt in her eyes. He hadn’t thought she’d feel so strongly about all of this and that had been careless of him. He should have kept her at a distance. He should have made it all about sex and nothing more. He shouldn’t have let her in.
But he had and now there was no help for it. He’d made his choice.
‘I’m sorry, Isla.’ He had to work to keep the rough edge from his voice. ‘But yes, it’s time for our honeymoon to end.’
She just stood there staring at him as if he’d made the ground she walked on suddenly disappear under her feet. ‘Why? I thought it wasn’t me?’
It hurt to look at the bewilderment on her face, but what could he say? Telling her how he felt would only make this even worse for her. Because how could he explain why love was always sacrifice? Why love was always pain? Better to spare her that while he could. She’d have plenty of time to figure that out for herself.
‘It’s not,’ he said. ‘But I never wanted a wife, Isla. I never wanted a family. I had one and then I lost it and I’m not doing it again.’
‘So it’s a choice,’ Isla said flatly and it wasn’t a question. ‘This is something you’re actively choosing.’
He didn’t understand what she was getting at. ‘Yes, didn’t I just say that?’
‘And what about for someone you loved? Would you do it for them?’
The question caught him off guard and for a second all he could do was stare at her, while his heart shouted, Yes, I’d do it for you. I love you. And the family you want, I want too, and we could have one together.
But he swallowed down the words. Because somewhere, somehow, at some point in time, he would destroy that family. He would ruin it, because that’s what he did. Or maybe something else would happen and it would be ripped from him once again anyway. Either way, he couldn’t risk it happening again. The first time it had just about destroyed him. The next time it would kill him.
‘No,’ he said quietly. ‘Not even then.’
She didn’t say anything for the longest time. Then finally all the fight seemed to drain right out of her, and she turned and left his office without a word.