Feeling and Dealing
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
The main goal that’s brought us here is having better, more satisfying relationships. And the key to doing so lies in our capacity to be emotionally mindful. To be attuned to both ourselves and to our partners. To be able to manage and express our feelings while staying present, engaged, and responsive. To hang in when the going gets tough. And to see our way through to a better place. That’s what helps us feel safe and secure in our relationships. That’s what grows and strengthens our bonds. That’s what deepens our love for each other.
These are the emotional capacities that people with a secure attachment style bring to their relationships. They’re able to show up wholeheartedly and make good use of their feelings while staying connected and engaged with their partners. But it’s not as though they possess some superhuman powers that the rest of us weren’t fortunate enough to be endowed with. Remember, we’re all born with the capacity to express our feelings, to connect emotionally with others, and to love and be loved. We come into the world ready to do all of these things.
The main difference is that some of us had early experiences in life that nurtured these capacities and supported our emotional development, and some of us did not. Those of us with an insecure attachment style had experiences that left us feeling afraid of truly expressing ourselves for fear of losing our most important relationships. In order to stay connected with our caregivers, we developed coping strategies to manage and in many instances suppress our core innate feelings. These strategies were once helpful to us but now thwart our emotional growth, and in turn impair our present-day relationships.
The good news is that while the opportunity to develop these emotional capacities to feel, deal, and relate may seem to have passed some of us by, they don’t come with an expiration date. They don’t fall into the “use it or lose it” category. They’re still inside of us waiting to come out, ready to be called on and put to use. We just need to awaken them, nurture them, and strengthen them. If we’re ready and willing, they’re all there for the taking. The only thing keeping us from their benefits is a holdover from our early conditioning—fear.
Therein lies the essence of our work—to free ourselves from a fear that is no longer warranted and to reclaim our innate emotional capabilities. Unearth the aspects of our core self that have been buried and to reintegrate them into the totality of our being. Give our healthy strivings to express ourselves, however small or tentative they may be, a chance. Expand and strengthen our emotional repertoire so that we can bring our full and best self to our relationships. Become the people we were meant to be.
All of us can develop an earned secure attachment style by learning how to feel, deal, and relate mindfully in our relationships. Instead of letting our defenses lead the way, we can allow our core self to emerge and step forward. Instead of acting out our feelings, we can be open and direct. Instead of getting overwhelmed or shutting down, we can take risks and do things differently. We can find a way to show the sides of ourselves we once learned to hide. We can express what we really feel, need, and want, and be emotionally present for our partners. That’s what it means to love like we mean it.
But doing so requires us to be able to differentiate our core emotions from our defenses and distress so that we can identify and work with our feelings and respond in an authentic and constructive way. One that’s aligned with our true self and how we want to be in our relationships. One that will help us get to a better place with our partners. This is precisely what the work in the previous four chapters has helped us to do. Let’s take a moment to review the four steps that got us to this point:
Step One: Recognize and Name—Identifying when we’ve been triggered (when we’ve gotten activated and are responding defensively) and labeling it as such.
Step Two: Stop, Drop, and Stay—Slowing down, focusing inward, and working through our emotional experience.
Step Three: Pause and Reflect—Stepping back, making sense of our emotional experience, listening to what it’s telling us, and deciding how best to respond.
Step Four: Mindfully Relate—Thoughtfully expressing our core feelings, needs, and desires, and engaging with our partners in a constructive manner.
Separately each of these four steps addresses different aspects of our emotional experience. While they are arranged in a sequence that is designed to guide us through triggered moments in our lives, they also can be applied individually as needed. We can use them to navigate different aspects of our emotional lives.
For instance, at one point we might recognize that we’re getting activated (e.g., our chest tightens) or responding defensively (e.g., our voice gets louder, or we start to check out), so we take a deep breath and calm ourselves and then attempt to reengage with our partners from a more receptive state. Here, we’d be drawing on the work of Step One (“Recognize and Name”). At another moment, we might realize that we’re having some feelings and work to stay present with our emotional experience. This is the work of Step Two (“Stop, Drop, and Stay”). At a different point in time, we might find ourselves reflecting on an emotional experience that previously occurred and trying to make sense of it. Here, we’d be doing the work of Step Three (“Pause and Reflect”). Or as we’re engaging with our partners, we might notice that we’re getting ahead of ourselves, so we slow ourselves down and pay attention to what’s happening between us. This would be the work of Step Four (“Mindfully Relate”).
In each of these situations, we’re making an effort to deal more mindfully with our emotional experience. Sometimes, that’s all that’s needed to keep us on track. We notice what’s going on for us in the moment and do what we need to do. But sometimes, when our old programming kicks in, we need to draw upon all four steps and implement the whole sequence to navigate our way through our emotional experience and make the best of it, to help us identify the feelings, needs, or desires that we would typically leave out and find the courage to begin to share them.
Thus far in our journey together, we’ve examined each of the four steps in isolation. Now comes the time when we put them all together. In this chapter, we’ll visit with three people, each with a different attachment style, and take a look at how they made use of the four steps in their lives. While each of their stories is different and unique to their lives, their experiences are universal and provide us with an opportunity to see how we might use the four steps ourselves.
Let’s begin with Craig, who we first met in Chapter Two.
After being away for a week on a work trip, Craig settled into his seat for the flight home. During his time away he had ended up having more downtime than he had anticipated in which he found himself thinking a great deal about his relationship with Lydia, his fiancée. Craig felt sad about the difficulties that they’d been having and how his ambivalence about moving forward in their relationship had caused Lydia such pain. Being away afforded Craig some distance from which he saw more clearly how he’d been putting up barriers and keeping her at arm’s length, and it bothered him.
Craig found himself missing Lydia, feeling loving feelings toward her, and wanting to reach out and be close to her. Feelings that seemed elusive when they were together but clearly existed inside of him. Craig wondered what would happen if he could show Lydia how he truly felt. If he could allow himself to be emotionally vulnerable and open with her. If he could express what was in his heart and tell Lydia how much she meant to him. If he could live from a more openhearted place instead of being constricted by fear. What would that be like? How might things be different for them? He wanted to find out, but the prospect of doing so felt scary to Craig.
If I can’t make this work now, when will I? Craig thought to himself as the plane took off.
Becoming Aware
By the time Craig started therapy, his avoidant attachment style was deeply ingrained. It was a formidable outgrowth of being raised in a fractured and contentious family in which he learned to suppress his true feelings and deny his needs for closeness and connection in order to survive. His nervous system was governed by implicit programming that made closeness and connection feel threatening to him and led him to perceive his romantic partners as untrustworthy or inadequate, which kept him safe but alone. Craig was caught in patterns of responding that prevented him from having the kind of relationship that deep down he truly wanted.
The main issue for Craig was that he was unaware of why he was having such a hard time being successful in love. He had no idea that his perceptions and behaviors were being shaped by outdated internal working models from his distant past. As far as Craig was concerned, everything would be fine if Lydia would back off and stop giving him such a hard time. If she’d just give him some space, he’d come around. Right? Craig didn’t realize that he was repeatedly getting triggered and responding defensively in his relationship as though he was somehow still in danger and needed to protect himself. He was unaware that his early programming was still steering his ship and fear was getting the best of him.
In order for Craig to be able to free himself from his early wiring and move forward in his relationship in a healthy, more integrated way, it was necessary for him to grow his emotional awareness and open up to his feelings. He needed to start working with the four steps.
The first order of business for Craig was to slow down and pay attention to what was happening for him so that he could begin to recognize and name when he’d gotten triggered. But slowing down was not something Craig was accustomed to doing. It’s just not how he operated. Instead, Craig was used to acting on impulse, a behavior that often served him well in his work but was wreaking havoc in his love life. No sooner had one of his emotional hot buttons been pushed than his defenses were up and running. He’d start arguing with Lydia, questioning and challenging her, and defending his case. Or he’d get caught in a spiral of negative thoughts—doubting Lydia’s trustworthiness, questioning her intellect, seeing her behavior as needy and unappealing—and end up pulling away or shutting down.
As hard as Craig tried to put the brakes on when interacting with Lydia, he’d get so caught up in the heat of the moment that it would get away from him, and he’d lose track of himself. In order to be able to slow down and observe himself in real time, Craig needed to spend some time building his emotional mindfulness skills when he wasn’t feeling so reactive. He needed to strike while the iron was cold, not hot. By doing so, he could work at strengthening the downward connections between his higher and lower brain, between his prefrontal cortex and his amygdala in particular, so that he could better manage his threat response when it became activated.
So when Craig would come in for his therapy session, we would engage in an emotion-focused version of Monday morning quarterbacking. Craig would recount a charged episode he had with Lydia, while pausing frequently to take a look at what was emotionally going on inside of him. As Craig put his defenses aside and tuned into his felt experience, he was surprised by what he discovered going on in his body—his chest would tighten, his heart rate would speed up, and his stomach became constricted, all of which are classic signs of anxiety. He hadn’t realized that his nervous system had gotten activated which prompted him to respond in a defensive manner. But by slowing down the action and creating some room, and with an assist from the Triangle of Experience that you learned about in Chapter Three, Craig began to tease apart the different elements of his emotional experience—his feelings, anxiety, and defenses—and make some sense of what was happening for him.
Next Craig needed to deal with what was causing him to get triggered. He needed to stop, drop, and stay present to the emotions that were stirring under the surface. This step was also challenging for Craig, as it can be for any of us who are accustomed to avoiding our feelings. His old inclination to clamp down on his feelings was strong. But with some encouragement and support, he began to lean into his emotional experience and over time discovered a number of feelings he hadn’t known were at hand for him. In particular his vulnerability, sadness, love, and longing to be close. The feelings and needs that he had long ago learned to deny. The feelings he needed to befriend and reclaim in order to reconnect to his true self.
As Craig worked at staying with his feelings, as he breathed into them and moved through them, the origins of his old fear of being emotionally open with others came into view. Various memories from his childhood that depicted the unrelenting pressure he had felt as a little boy bubbled to the surface.
Everybody in young Craig’s world (his mother, father, and sister) seemed to want something from him. Everybody had their own agenda. No one seemed interested in his feelings or needs. No one seemed to be there just for him. Longing for love from both of his parents, longing to be seen, heard, and valued, Craig got caught in the middle of their fraught relationship dynamics. When he got closer to his mother, he sensed his father’s frustration and disapproval, and when he sought his father’s attention and engagement, he felt his mother’s sadness and dismay as well as his sister’s disdain. Craig felt trapped and powerless, unable to show his feelings without experiencing some kind of recrimination or potential fallout. It was all too much for a little boy. What was he to do? How was he to survive? Not surprisingly, Craig learned to bury his feelings and put away his needs for love and connection. He closed off his heart to avoid the pain that inevitably came with needing others. He vowed to go it alone and never rely on anyone ever again.
And here he was, many years later, unknowingly still doing the same thing.
As Craig worked through the mix of feelings inside of him, he began to make sense of the emotional dynamics that had been at play for him. By pausing and reflecting, he saw how his arguing and distrust were caused by an old fear of being emotionally present with others, one that he now understood could be traced back to his early experience in his family. His past was intruding on his present and coloring his relationship with Lydia. No wonder closeness and connection felt so threatening to him. Somewhere inside of him was a little boy longing for love but frightened of the consequences of allowing himself to need anyone else or letting them become important to him.
While Craig’s understanding of his emotional dynamics and his ability to observe and stay present with his feelings were growing, and while he had begun to share what he was learning about himself with Lydia, he still found it challenging to get beyond Step One when he was interacting with her. When he was by himself, Craig was able to calm his distress and begin to sort out the tangle of feelings inside of him. But when he was with Lydia, his old programming proved to be a force to be reckoned with. He often felt helpless to its sway and had a hard time reining himself in and trying something different. Afterward, when the dust had settled, Craig was full of remorse and felt ashamed that his defenses had gotten the best of him. He wondered if he might be too far gone to ever turn things around, do things differently, and be successful in a relationship. Still, to Craig’s credit, he kept getting back up on the horse and giving it another try.
Eventually Craig’s hard work, persistence, and commitment paid off, and things started to shift.
Coming Home to Love
As Craig lay in bed waiting for Lydia to join him, he thought about how it felt to be home. He was happy to see Lydia, and she seemed to feel the same way. The tension between them that had been in the air before he left on his work trip seemed to have evaporated, and while a little tentative, they were both making an effort to put their best foot forward. Craig had gotten Lydia some flowers, and she had prepared a special dinner for them. It felt good to unwind together and reconnect.
Craig glanced over toward the bathroom and could see Lydia’s reflection in the mirror. Their eyes met, and she smiled at him. Craig felt warm inside as they looked at each other. He could see the desire in her face. He could tell that she wanted to be with him, to make love. After all, it had been a while since they were last together in that way. Craig wanted to as well. Didn’t he?
Then, almost imperceptibly, Craig’s chest tightened. Craig rolled over in bed and faced the other way. He felt anxious and uncomfortable. But how do you know she’s for real? he asked himself. How do you know she’s not just being nice so you’ll marry her? I mean, how can you be sure?
His agitation rising, Craig sat up on the edge of the bed, leaned forward, and put his hands on his knees. Then it hit him. He recognized what was up. It’s happening again, Craig said to himself. This is it. This is how that old fear shows up. I start to open up, and I get afraid. Craig put his hand on his chest, took a breath and let it out slowly. And then again. And again. He shifted his feet on the floor and tried to feel grounded. As his nerves settled a bit, Craig tried to reconnect with the loving feelings that were there almost a moment ago. The feelings that he now understood were making him uncomfortable. The feelings he wanted to be able to share.
Just then, Craig heard Lydia walk into the room. He felt the impulse to get up and busy himself, but he resisted. Instead, he sat motionless staring at the floor.
Sensing that something was up, Lydia sat down next to Craig and put her hand on his back. “Hon, what’s the matter?” she asked tentatively. “Are you okay?”
Craig opened his mouth to speak and then paused. He felt anxious and unsure of himself. He wondered what he should do. What he should say. Just tell her the truth, he thought, and then gave himself a little push.
“Um, this is hard to tell you,” he said. “I mean, I was lying here thinking about you, about how good it is to see you, about how nice it feels to be together. And then I started to get worried. Like something bad is going to happen. Like it’s dangerous for me to let myself be open. I got anxious and started to close up. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to close up. I mean, I love you so much. I want to be with you. But I guess I get afraid.”
Craig had been staring at the floor the whole time he was speaking. He had felt too vulnerable to look at Lydia. But he found the courage to steal a glance in Lydia’s direction and was relieved to see a look of tenderness in her eyes. They sat quietly for a moment, looking at each other, and then Lydia responded.
“I’m glad you’re telling me and not keeping it to yourself,” she said. “It feels so much better to know what’s going on with you. To know what’s going on inside of you. I get it. I get why it’s scary. You’ve been hurt. But it’s okay. You’re okay. We’re going to be okay.”
Craig put his arms around Lydia and pulled her close. It felt good.
This was a breakthrough moment for Craig. All the work that he’d been doing to grow his emotional mindfulness skills came to bear. He used the four steps in real time to break the cycle of his old programming, push through his fears, and try something different. He recognized he’d gotten triggered, calmed himself, tapped into his feelings, and mindfully shared them with Lydia. He opened his heart, shared what was going on for him, and let his love come through.
That’s a huge step for someone who had kept his heart under wraps for over forty years. It’s a huge step for any of us with an avoidant attachment style—to open up to our feelings, allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and share our feelings with others. But it’s precisely what is needed for us to be able to turn things around in our relationships.
Of course, Craig is not home free. There will surely be challenging moments for him to come. While Lydia responded positively to his opening up, that may not always be the case. At times she may get defensive, and so may Craig. Their old wiring will get the best of them and take over. That’s to be expected. It takes time to develop new patterns of responding. Craig will need to keep at it and work through the four steps with every opportunity that presents itself.
Speaking of which, Craig should be on the lookout for any residual fear that might show up after he’s allowed himself to be vulnerable and open with Lydia. That’s to be expected as well. When we open ourselves up to greater intimacy with our partners, especially if we tend to be more avoidant, it’s not uncommon to experience a bit of anxiety afterward. We stretch a little and then start to feel anxious as if we went too far and then feel inclined to withdraw or retreat. But it’s not a sign of danger. It’s just an echo from our implicit memory reverberating in our nervous system. So if we can anticipate that this kind of thing may happen, we can “name it to tame it” when it does and not be thrown. We can say, “Ah! There’s my old fear. I did something outside of my comfort zone, and it’s acting up.” It’s a sign that we’re breaking new ground. That we’re on the right track.
As we can see with Craig, developing our emotional mindfulness skills takes time. But with each effort we make to attend to our experience in an intentional way, we strengthen our abilities. Little by little over time, it all adds up. And then all of a sudden something clicks, and the work we’ve been doing comes together. We’re able to see what’s happening in the moment and shift gears. We’re able to do things differently and get somewhere better.
To that end, let’s now look at how Arlene, a client of mine in her early forties with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, made use of the four steps.
Finding the “I” in the Storm
Arlene had been out of sorts all morning. She kept seeing Mitch’s angry face in her mind’s eye and hearing him go off on a rant. Arlene had tried to talk to him the night before about scheduling a childbirth class at the nearby hospital. Their baby would be here in just a couple of months and they were running out of time. Given how exhausted Arlene had been lately, it felt more manageable for her to take a class that was offered over the course of a few different evenings. But Mitch didn’t like that idea at all and for some reason ended up pitching a fit, arguing that he needed time to unwind after work. Arlene was so shaken by his extreme response that she ended up agreeing to attend a daylong course on the weekend that would be physically excruciating and practically impossible for her.
Feeling upset, Arlene paced around the house. She kept vacillating between two extremes—wanting to lay into Mitch for being “a selfish child” and feeling helpless and distraught. While not an unfamiliar experience for Arlene, it had been quite a while since she had felt so emotionally pulled about. All the work she had done in therapy, combined with several years of being in recovery and a daily meditation practice, had helped her to manage her emotions better, unlike the past, when they could feel overwhelming and get away from her.
But lately, plagued by months of morning sickness that wouldn’t let up; she’d been feeling emotionally raw and on edge. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling so upset? Arlene wondered. Or is something else going on? She thought about it for a moment and then realized what she needed to do. She needed to get to the bottom of what had gotten stirred up for her and to find some clarity. She needed to draw on the work that she’d been doing in her therapy and work through the four steps.
Arlene sat down on the couch and sighed as she tried to get comfortable. She put both feet on the floor and rested her hands on her lap, noting how the fabric of her pants felt against her palms. Doing so helped her feel a bit grounded. Then Arlene closed her eyes, focused inside, and pictured the episode from the night before. As she replayed the experience in her mind, she noticed her throat getting constricted and her chest tightening—the activation of her nervous system was becoming apparent.
Arlene breathed into the tension inside of her and tried to open up and stay present to whatever was coming up. As she sensed into her felt experience more deeply she recognized what it was and named it. Fear, she said to herself. I’m feeling afraid. That seemed to help. But what’s so scary? Arlene wondered. She started to think about what might be making her feel afraid but then stopped herself, not wanting to get lost in her thoughts. She knew from past experience that’s not where the answer would be found. Instead she focused on her feelings and tried to stay open to what she might discover.
Suddenly Arlene saw herself as a child, helplessly watching an all too familiar scene: her parents arguing, their voices getting louder, the tension mounting, and then her father snapping and becoming violent. She watched in horror as he picked up a vase and smashed it on the floor. Her child-self stood frozen in fear, feeling powerless and alone.
Arlene began to cry, wave after wave of sadness and pain rolling through her. She felt as though she might be overcome by her feelings but told herself to “just breathe,” knowing from experience that if she stayed with her emotions and saw them through, eventually the storm would subside as it always does, no matter how powerful the waves of emotion. Arlene was right. It did. Once the waters calmed, Arlene found herself feeling for her younger self. For the frightened child inside her who had been stuck in this awful memory and needed to know it was over. Drawing on the work she’d done in therapy, Arlene imagined going to her child-self, picking her up, rubbing her back and consoling her—reassuring her that she’s okay, that she’s safe now, and that she’s not alone.
As the child inside of her relaxed, so did Arlene. She took a deep breath to take in the sense of relief that had come over her. But, as she did, Arlene noticed something else now stirring in her. Another feeling was emerging. Her jaw had tightened, and energy was rising inside of her. Arlene recognized that she was feeling angry. A feeling that she had learned to clamp down on and hold inside. A feeling that had once felt too dangerous to express. But it was a feeling that she knew she needed to honor and learn to abide with. A feeling she needed to reclaim in order to be able to stand her ground when needed. This was one of those times. How dare they behave that way in front of their kids! Arlene thought to herself as she leaned into her anger toward her parents and gave it room. What the hell were they thinking? That was just so wrong!
As Arlene allowed herself to feel the force of her anger move through her and eventually dissipate, something inside of her shifted. She noticed that she no longer felt small, like a child. Instead, she felt emboldened, more embodied, and more adult. The past was receding, and Arlene was coming more fully into the present moment.
No wonder I’ve been so upset, Arlene thought to herself. I got triggered. As she reflected on what she encountered inside of herself, she could see how the trauma of her past had impacted her recent experience with Mitch. His angry behavior had activated old memories that reverberated throughout her nervous system. As a result, she had felt frightened, powerless, and without options. Just like her child-self had surely felt all those years ago.
What’s more, while Mitch’s anger scared Arlene, so did her own. Her early experience in life, in which anger became equated with violence and destruction, had led her to avoid anger at all costs. Arlene unknowingly defended against feeling or directly expressing her anger for fear that it would destroy her relationships. Consequently she remained trapped by her childhood fear and deprived of the clarity and direction that healthy anger could afford her in her adult life. She was unable to feel as though her needs were important, to advocate for herself, to set limits, and to have healthy boundaries.
Had Arlene been free to feel and make use of her anger, she might have called Mitch on his reaction in the moment and told him that his behavior was not acceptable. Or at the very least, she might have paused the conversation and suggested to Mitch that they could talk later when he calmed down. But through the eyes of her child-self, Arlene had felt afraid, helpless, and without options.
As the pieces fell into place for her, Arlene thought about what she should do. No longer activated, and feeling more aligned with her adult self, she could see Mitch more objectively. While his reaction was certainly over the top, she knew he wasn’t dangerous. Maybe he was also feeling stressed and emotionally depleted? Arlene considered. Maybe he had gotten triggered as well? Maybe he’d be less defensive now that he’s calmed down. More solidly in her adult self, Arlene could see that she was not without options. She could find a way to talk to Mitch and tell him how she felt. She could try to engage in a discussion that could possibly get them to a better place.
Of course, the prospect of opening up and being direct about her feelings made Arlene nervous. Her old programming was still in need of an update. In order for that to happen, she would need to face her fears and be honest with Mitch. She would need to let him know what she was feeling and what she needed from him. At the very least she would need to give expressing her feelings a try in order to see what was possible.
That night, after Mitch had gotten home from work, Arlene shored up her courage and asked him if they could talk about what had happened the night before. Feeling a bit shaky inside, she took her time and spoke slowly, trying to stay centered. Mitch initially seemed on edge, but when Arlene told him that his reaction was triggering for her and why, he softened and eventually apologized. Mitch acknowledged that he had been feeling pretty stressed out after a hard day at work and had lost it. But regardless of what was going on for him, he wasn’t trying to make an excuse. Mitch felt awful about how he’d behaved and told Arlene that he would never want to act in a way that would make her feel afraid.
Feeling safe to continue, Arlene took another step forward and explained to Mitch how she had only agreed to go to the daylong childbirth class because she’d gotten scared. It was also hard for her to honor her own needs as important and worthy of consideration. She didn’t want to do that anymore. Arlene explained that she was too uncomfortable and exhausted to get through a daylong class and actually get something out of it. And she wanted it to be a positive experience for them. She needed Mitch to understand how hard it would be for her and told him she couldn’t do it. They’d need to figure something else out.
Arlene could see that Mitch was disappointed, but he acquiesced without any pushback. Gone was the conflict and discord of the day before. He didn’t reject her. Instead he respected her needs. Something about the way in which she approached him, the way in which he responded, and the way in which they were being with each other was allowing for a new experience.
Showing up in this way with Mitch was new for Arlene. Given her long-standing fear of getting hurt or being rejected by others, she had a hard time owning and communicating her anger and directly addressing conflict. It had just felt too threatening to her. But by using the four steps, she was able to modulate and work through the mix of feelings inside of her and assert her truth. She found the courage to lean in and express herself in a healthy way.
But reclaiming her anger and adaptively asserting herself was only one of the growing edges that Arlene would need to address if she wanted to free herself from the confines of her early programming. Equally as threatening to her was the prospect of being emotionally vulnerable with Mitch, of letting her guard down and allowing him to get close to her, of being willing to depend on him to be there for her.
As is common for those of us with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, Arlene both longed for emotional closeness and was terrified of it. She had long been caught in a “come here-go away” interpersonal dynamic in which she would seek out love and connection, but when anyone would try to get close to her, she’d push them away or withdraw in fear. Not surprisingly her relationships had been characterized by emotional unpredictability and chaos, similar to what she experienced as a child in her family. While her relationship with Mitch was much more stable, Arlene’s early wiring persisted, and despite often feeling lonely and longing for a deeper connection with Mitch, she could still put up barriers to emotional intimacy. For Arlene to have a stable and fulfilling relationship, she would need to honor her needs for connection. She would have to reclaim her innate attachment needs and allow herself to be open to love.
Of course, the opportunity for Arlene to do just that was right around the corner.
Befriending the Softer Side
Arlene was relieved that she and Mitch had finally made some time to work on the baby’s room. She was sorting through a pile of baby clothes and figuring out where to put them while Mitch was taking apart his computer setup to move it elsewhere. As Mitch sat on the floor wrapping cords around different components, he started to share what was on his mind.
“Well, there’s certainly not going to be much time for gaming when the baby comes. That’s for sure. Pretty much no downtime for either of us,” he said, sounding wistful. “Our whole world is about to get completely turned upside down. Kind of freaks me out.”
This was different for Mitch. He wasn’t one to open up and talk about his feelings. By doing so, Mitch was making a bid for connection with Arlene. He was reaching out, sharing his fears, and trying to navigate this life-changing event together. Had Arlene not had her back to Mitch, maybe that would have been more apparent to her. But instead of engaging in a conversation, she flew off the handle. Arlene turned around to face Mitch and blurted out, “Well, you’re going to have to figure out that one on your own! I can’t be taking care of a baby and you!”
Mitch looked startled. “Wow! That was harsh,” he said, and hurriedly proceeded to gather the rest of his things. As he stood up to leave, he looked over at Arlene and said, “I just can’t win with you!” and walked off in a huff.
Arlene was going to go after him but stopped herself. She was feeling too charged up and didn’t want to get into it. Besides, she knew where that would go. Fine. Let him stew about it, she thought to herself, trying to shrug it off. I really don’t care!
Arlene went back to putting the baby’s things away. As she focused on what she was doing and began to calm down a bit, she noticed something niggling at her insides. She kept seeing the hurt expression on Mitch’s face when he turned to leave. I guess I was kind of harsh, she thought to herself, feeling badly. Then she wondered, Why did I have such a strong reaction?
Arlene sat down, focused inward, and tried to sense what was going on for her emotionally. She thought about what Mitch had tried to say to her, but this time instead of feeling annoyed with him, she noticed that she felt anxious. Her body was tense. It occurred to her that Mitch was being vulnerable with her. He was reaching out and trying to connect, and it made her uncomfortable. Just as her own vulnerability made her uncomfortable. She couldn’t tolerate it in herself, and she was realizing she couldn’t tolerate it in him. At least that’s how her nervous system had responded.
Arlene felt a wave of guilt and started to cry. She could see what was going on for her. Old fears had gotten activated. Her childhood fears of being vulnerable and needing someone—fears of letting anyone close, letting anyone matter—were again in her current life. But now instead of wanting to lash out or run as she had in the past, it pained her.
That’s not who I want to be, Arlene thought to herself. I don’t want to push Mitch away. I want to be able to be there for him. I want to let him be there for me. I want to be okay with that.
As Arlene began to feel clearer and more centered, she made her way to the garage where she found Mitch setting up his computer. She wanted to talk. She wanted to repair things between them and try again.
“Mitch?” she said.
“What?” Mitch responded, with an edge in his voice.
Arlene could tell he was still smarting. She felt herself tense up slightly in response but took a breath and told herself to take it slow. She wanted to talk with Mitch in a caring way. She wanted Mitch to be able to hear her. She wanted to get through.
“Um, I’m sorry I lashed out,” she said, tentatively. “You were trying to talk about how you’re feeling and I shut the conversation down.”
“Yeah. Well it feels pretty awful,” Mitch responded.
“I’m sure,” Arlene said, feeling badly. “I’m sorry for that.”
“I just don’t know how to be around you,” Mitch added, shaking his head.
“You were being fine. I’m the one who got uncomfortable. You were reaching out, trying to connect, and I guess I got anxious. I don’t know. It’s like I can’t tolerate feeling vulnerable. Like it feels threatening to me in some way, and my walls go up.”
“Why?” Mitch asked, the edge in his voice starting to fade.
“It’s kind of like a reflex. It wasn’t safe to be vulnerable in my family. My parents were too wrapped up in their shit. It’s like a young part of me gets afraid that something bad is going to happen and I lash out. But I do need you. I love you. I want to be there for you. I want to be able to connect in that way. It feels scary, but I want to try.”
Arlene looked in Mitch’s eyes. She could see that he had softened. She could see that she was getting through. She could feel her love for Mitch. She could feel his care for her. It didn’t scare her. It felt right.
For those of us with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, the intensity of our feelings can pull us in opposing directions and cause us to lose our center and sense of self. In particular, both our attachment needs for closeness and independence can feel dangerous and overwhelm us. Fearing hurt or rejection, and without a reliable strategy to constructively deal with our feelings, we get tossed about, unable to move comfortably toward intimacy or assertively deal with conflict and difference.
But secure relationships require that we are able to do both. We need to be able to calm the distress we feel inside and manage our emotions so that we can hear, honor, and allow for both sides of our experience. Ultimately, we need to be able to let others in, and we need to be able to assert our boundaries in a healthy way. Arlene used the four steps to do just that.
In both instances with Mitch, Arlene recognized that there was something more going on emotionally beneath her surface reactivity that needed to be addressed. By going inward and attending to her emotional experience, she was able to disentangle her child-self from her adult-self and find her way more solidly into the present moment. She was able to hear her truth and follow its lead, then by taking a risk both to assert her limits with Mitch and be vulnerable and connect with him more deeply, she is coming to see that the dangers she anticipated no longer exist. Using the four steps to guide her, Arlene is learning that she can safely open up to a wider range of emotional choices and a more integrated way of being in her relationship.
On that note, let’s take a look at how someone with an anxious attachment style makes use of the four steps.
Finding the Courage to Deal
When Troy first started to work the four steps, it was difficult for him to hear and trust his core feelings. For as far back as he could remember, the buzz of his anxiety was omnipresent, clouding his judgment. A graduate student in his mid-twenties, he had a hard time being emotionally present in his relationships, often second-guessed himself, and worried that there was something wrong with him.
Adopted at birth and raised by parents who had a fair amount of anxiety and conflict around emotion, Troy grew up with a chronic sense of uncertainty, unsure that his parents would be there if he needed them and afraid that he would do or say something that would disappoint or upset them, be too much in some way and get rejected. As a child, Troy had a recurring nightmare in which he desperately tried to catch up to his parents as he followed them down the twisted hallways of a strange building. At some point inevitably his parents would turn a corner, and when Troy did as well a few steps later, they’d be gone. Nowhere to be found. Surely, little Troy felt as though he had done something to drive them away.
This chronic sense of insecurity followed Troy into his adult relationships in which he found himself with romantic partners who were emotionally unpredictable and unable to show up in a way that felt satisfying to him. In addition, Troy was acutely sensitive to any sign of possible disconnection or discord and often worried that he had done something to screw things up. If Troy was going to have a healthy relationship, he would need to disentangle himself from his early wiring and be able to trust and make better use of his emotions with his partners. In particular, he needed to be mindful of his needs for connection and reassurance, and to express them in a healthy way.
Troy met Andre at an opportune time in his emotional journey. Through his work in therapy, Troy was beginning to emerge from the fog of his anxiety and more readily connect with his core feelings. Of course, the challenge Troy now faced was for him to be able to do this while in a relationship.
A few years older than Troy, Andre seemed more emotionally mature than Troy’s previous partners. From the beginning, something clicked and felt right to both of them. Aloft on a billowy cloud of new love, the early days of their relationship were characterized by a warmth and caring that felt wonderful and new to them both. But gradually, Troy’s anxiety started to creep onto the scene. He found himself feeling increasingly on edge and worrying that disaster was just around the corner. His old programming was making itself known.
Hearing and Honoring What’s Inside
Troy started to feel anxious as he and Andre walked up the steps to the restaurant. They were attending a party to celebrate the birthday of an old friend of Andre’s and there would be over a hundred people in attendance. He would be meeting friends and associates of Andre’s for the first time and wanted to make a good impression. But as they mingled with the other guests and people were warm and friendly, the tension he initially felt subsided. By the time they made their way to their assigned table for dinner, Troy felt pretty relaxed.
Troy and Andre sat down next to each other and chatted a bit before people began to stand and say a few words about the mutual friend whose birthday they had gathered to celebrate. After one particular toast that was funny and had everyone laughing, Troy commented to Andre that it was nice to see the guest of honor smiling and having a good time, given how depressed he always seemed. Troy assumed Andre would simply agree with him, but saw rather quickly that the comment rubbed Andre the wrong way.
Looking serious, Andre leaned in and said under his breath, “Yeah, that’s true. But it feels kind of impolite to be talking about him like that at his birthday party. Don’t you think?”
Troy thought about it for a moment and then said, “Oh, you’re right. I’m sorry. That was thoughtless of me.”
“It’s okay,” Andre replied. He smiled at Troy and then focused back on the proceedings, seeming to have let it go.
But had he? Troy wasn’t so sure. He kept looking at Andre to see if he was really okay but couldn’t tell. Troy started to feel anxious and began to worry that Andre might be angry with him and that something bad might happen. Throughout dinner, Troy kept trying to get Andre’s attention, hoping for a reassuring glance or comment that might ease his nervousness, but Andre was engrossed in the conversation at the table and didn’t seem to notice.
Troy told himself that he was being silly and tried to put the whole thing out of his mind. But he couldn’t. As he watched Andre engaging with other people and having a good time, his nervousness grew. Then Troy started to feel angry. He didn’t have to come to this dinner. He did it for Andre. He’s such a jerk! Troy thought to himself. It was a harmless comment. I didn’t mean anything by it. Besides, that guy is depressed! And then a fatalistic thought: This relationship is never going to work. We’re just too different. I need to cut my losses and move on. Get out before it gets too serious.
Troy excused himself from the table and stepped outside “to get some fresh air.” He was hoping Andre would notice he was upset and come after him. But as he walked around the block, he recognized what was going on for him. He was going to an extreme place in his head—his anxiety had gotten the best of him and he was becoming defensive. Troy took a deep breath, pursed his lips, and let it out slowly. He realized he needed to calm down or he might do something rash.
It took a little work, but as Troy’s nerves began to settle he saw more clearly what was going on. His old attachment fears had gotten activated. Troy had just been talking in therapy about how this can happen and here it was staring him in the face, live and in person. Troy realized that he was feeling with Andre the same way he had felt as a child, worried that he’d done something to push his unpredictable mother over the edge and that she’d blow up and withdraw. He flashed back to the time when he went to his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night feeling afraid, and his mother lost it and screamed at him. And here he was not only worried that he might have done something to put his relationship with Andre in jeopardy but also afraid to reach out for reassurance, afraid that Andre would perceive him as needy and get upset with him.
Troy sat down on a bench and put his hand on his chest. He felt compassion for the frightened child inside of him and imagined comforting and consoling him. As the tension in him subsided, and he began to feel more grounded, Troy saw more clearly how he had gotten caught up in a swirl of distress, that he’d gone to a hopeless place and that his thinking had become extreme. It was likely the same thing that would happen when he was a child.
Andre is not my mother, he told himself. He’s not a jerk. He just had a reaction. I can make a mistake. It doesn’t make me a bad person. It doesn’t mean that our relationship is over. Hearing the reassuring voice of his adult-self helped, but Troy still felt unsettled. He knew that it wasn’t going to be enough to dispel his fears. He was still worried about how Andre might respond should he share his fears with him. He would need to find a way to open up to Andre and see what was possible.
Later in the car on their way home, Troy mustered up the courage to ask Andre if they could talk about what happened at dinner. “You know, I said I was sorry for the comment I made, but it seemed like you were still upset with me.”
Initially, Andre said that he wasn’t, that he had let it go. To his mind he had told Troy how he felt and that was that. But as they talked about it further, Andre confessed that he might have continued to feel bothered. They’d been sitting with a few people whom Andre didn’t know well and he was afraid they overheard the exchange.
“But, I’m over it now,” he said to Troy with a smile. “No hard feelings.”
Troy sighed. It felt better to talk. Finally, he could let it go. Well, at least for the moment.
Later that evening, while they got ready for bed, Troy found himself feeling uneasy. He still felt as though something wasn’t right between the two of them. While Andre had told Troy they were fine, his body language seemed to say something else. It was a long ride home after the party, and Andre wasn’t his usual affectionate self. At the very least, they might have held hands at some point.
Troy tried telling himself that they were both tired, and he shouldn’t worry about it; but his nervous system wasn’t convinced. He knew he should probably talk about it further with Andre but worried that he might push him over the edge. He’s going to think I’m crazy, Troy thought, but realized he had to see it through and find out.
Troy slowly walked into the bedroom and sat down on the bed, across from Andre. “You know,” he said, feeling anxious, “I’m afraid that I’m going to sound neurotic, and I know that you said that everything is okay between us, but, it just seems as though you’ve been kind of distant. I mean, we usually hold hands in the car, and you haven’t touched me at all since we’ve gotten home.”
Andre looked exasperated and said, “Yeah, well, you haven’t been affectionate either.”
“That’s true,” Troy admitted. “Um … I think I’ve been feeling kind of apprehensive. I mean, I know how you sometimes need space, and I didn’t want to push it.”
Andre looked down and was quiet for a moment. Then he looked up at Troy and said, “I guess I have been a bit restrained. I know I can do that sometimes. But I really wasn’t aware that was happening. I’m sorry.”
Troy could see the vulnerability in Andre’s eyes. He reached out and touched his hand. “Can you just hold me?” Troy asked.
Andre leaned forward and put his arms around Troy. The warmth between them becoming palpable. It felt better. They’d found their way back to good.
From the outside looking in, it may seem absurd that Troy had such a strong reaction to Andre’s disapproving response. But that’s how it can go for those of us with an anxious attachment style. Any sign of discontent in our partners, no matter how subtle it may be, can be cause for alarm. Our amygdala reads it as a threat and sends out the troops. We get lost in a swirl of worry and fear that’s impervious to rational thinking. It’s only when we find a way to dial down our reactivity that we can see more clearly what’s going on for us.
Often, calming ourselves is half the battle. But it’s not enough. We need to be able to hear and honor our core feelings, needs, and desires and find the courage to communicate them directly to our partners. That’s the only way we can disconfirm our fear-based expectations that our partners will respond badly, and our relationships will fall apart should we open up and express our true feelings.
Which was precisely what Troy used the four steps to do. By recognizing that he was feeling defensive and attending to his inner turmoil, Troy was able to see that he had gotten triggered. Internally, he was feeling vulnerable and in need of reassurance from Andre that they were okay, but Troy was afraid to reach out. By finding the courage to lean in and directly express his feelings, and by hanging in there and working things through to completion, Troy did the emotional work needed to begin to dispel his old fears and feel more secure in his relationship with Andre.
To his credit, Andre worked at it too. He was reflective, able to own his part in the matter and acknowledge what was going on for him, and showed up wholeheartedly as well. Both of them engaged in a process that enhanced the security of their connection. And it was a good thing, given that they were about to face a more difficult relationship challenge when Troy decided to accept a yearlong postgraduate fellowship in a city other than where they lived.
Given Troy’s attachment history, this was a hard decision for him to make. As he considered his different options, Troy had to do a lot of work to separate out his old fear of doing something that would disappoint or upset others from his true feelings, in order to hear what he really wanted. When the offer came from this particular program, he knew it was where he wanted to go, but he worried about how Andre would react and what would happen.
Understandably, Andre was upset when Troy told him of his decision. Their relationship was still new, and he worried about how they would weather the separation and what it would mean for them in the long run. But they both were committed to each other and wanted to try to make it work.
In the days that followed, Troy couldn’t help but notice how Andre would get sullen whenever friends would congratulate Troy on his news. It bothered him. He wanted Andre to put his own feelings aside and be happy for him. After all, they still had six months before Troy needed to leave. But when he told a friend how he was feeling, his frustration softened.
“Of course Andre is upset,” his friend said to him. “He doesn’t want you to go away. He loves you!” Troy felt embarrassed. His own discomfort had obscured the reason for Andre’s sadness. Why couldn’t I see that? Troy thought to himself. Good question.
That evening as Troy and Andre were lying on the couch together, Andre said to him, “You know, it’s going to be really hard for me when you leave.”
Troy felt uneasy. With a forced smile, he said, “Well, I’m here now!”
Andre was quiet for a moment and then said, half-heartedly, “Yeah, I know.”
But Troy could see the sadness in Andre’s eyes. He felt uncomfortable and looked away. Troy recognized feeling tense and focused inward. I’m feeling guilty, he quickly realized. Like I’m doing something wrong. I’m afraid Andre’s upset with me and I’m in trouble, like everything is going to fall apart and that will be the end of our relationship.
Troy looked back at Andre. He felt for him. “I’m sorry,” Troy said. “That was insensitive of me. I can see that you’re sad, and I guess I get uncomfortable. I feel guilty, like I’m doing something wrong. Like a part of me is scared that you’re upset with me, and you’re going to bail.”
Andre nodded with understanding and said, “I’m not upset with you. You’re not doing anything wrong, and I’m not going to bail. I’m just sad. It’s going to be hard. I love you.”
“I love you too,” Troy said with tears in his eyes. “It is going to be hard.” He pulled Andre near him and held him close and then said, reassuringly, “I want to make this work. I know we can figure it out.”
By working through the four steps, Troy’s ability to recognize when he’s been triggered and to attend to his emotional experience has gotten stronger. Here, he catches himself in real time, is mindful of his internal process, and leans in with Andre in an emotionally revealing way. In the past, when his threat alarm would go off, Troy might have held fast to his defenses and gotten caught up in a pointless argument. Instead, he stretches into a new way of being and opens himself up to receive Andre’s love.
As Troy is learning, when we are mindful of our emotional experience, we discover how our defenses not only prevent something inside of us from being revealed, but they also thwart our ability to take in the good that comes our way. We may long for love, but what happens when it shows up? Do we welcome it with open arms, or does fear get in the way? For Troy it was the latter.
Through the lens of his internal working models, Troy unknowingly saw himself as the cause of Andre’s distress. It made him feel guilty and at risk. In turn, he responded defensively by minimizing Andre’s feelings and trying to make it all go away. Imagine if his process had stopped there. Look at what he would have missed out on. Receiving the very thing that would help him feel more solidly connected in his relationship—Andre’s love.
When we do the work to attend to the underlying forces that can unconsciously control our behavior, we free ourselves up to have new experiences. Experiences that have the power to heal our inner wounds. Experiences that widen our hearts and deepen our connections with our loved ones. Experiences that change us and our relationships for the better.
The Way Forward
Craig, Arlene, and Troy are all engaged in a process of transformation. They’re disentangling themselves from their early programming and reclaiming aspects of their emotional experience that had once been unavailable to them, hidden behind walls of fear. Each is restoring his or her capacity to be a fully functioning human being, becoming someone who is in touch with a full range of emotions and able to use them to good effect. Someone who is able to feel and deal while engaging with his or her partner. By showing up wholeheartedly to their relationship, they are maximizing its capacity to flourish.
That’s what can happen when we work through the four steps. We can overcome our fears and free ourselves from the constriction of the past. We can move our attachment styles in the direction of earned security and get to a better place with our partners.
But as you can see, growing our emotional mindfulness skills takes work and time. It’s definitely not something that happens overnight. Just like a ballerina spends hours at the barre, practicing and strengthening the movements that will one day enable her to perform a series of graceful, seemingly weightless leaps across the floor, so too is the work of strengthening the brain functions that over time will enable us to respond in a more mindful way in our relationships and bring our best self to the dance of love.
Each of us is in a different place on our emotional journey. Each of us has different strengths and areas for growth. Some of us might need to spend more time doing the work required of one step than another. Sometimes we may need to back up and do the work of a previous step, especially when our emotional experience doesn’t shift. That’s when there’s more inside of us that we need to get to know, understand, and work with before we can move forward. But all that matters is that we keep coming back to our emotional experience, noticing where we are in the present moment, become attuned to what’s going on inside of us, and do our best to stay engaged.
Of course, taking the risk to be emotionally open with our partners only gets us part of the way. We’re going to need to hang in and find a way to work things through. But by showing up in an openhearted way, we’re shifting our relationship dynamics. We’re creating the possibility for something different. Sometimes that’s just the beginning of a longer road. Sometimes it doesn’t work out as we hoped it would. Sometimes our partners aren’t able to join us on this journey. But sometimes it’s all that’s needed to shift things in a positive direction.
By repeatedly attuning and attending to our emotional experience, we’re engaging in a process that brick by brick is restructuring the very foundation upon which we operate. Each time we recognize when we’ve gotten activated, each time we stop, drop, and stay with our emotional experience and find our way through it, each time we reflect on our experience and make sense of it, each time we do the work to engage mindfully with our partners, we are training our brain to work differently. We are strengthening new neural pathways that support our health. We are growing our capacity to be emotionally mindful.
That’s the way forward.
• The core of our work is to free ourselves from a fear that is no longer warranted and reclaim our innate emotional capabilities so that we can have better relationships.
• While the four steps are arranged in a sequence that is designed to guide us through triggered moments in our lives, they also can be applied individually as needed.
• When we open ourselves up to greater intimacy, it’s not uncommon to experience some anxiety afterward. Anticipating such an occurrence can help us to navigate it without being thrown.
• To have a secure relationship, we need to be able both to allow others to be close to us and assert our boundaries in a healthy way when needed.
• Defensive behaviors not only prevent the healthy expression of our feelings, needs, and desires but also thwart our ability to take in the good that comes our way.
• When we do the work to attend to the underlying forces that can unconsciously control our behavior, we free ourselves to have new experiences.
• By repeatedly attuning and attending to our emotional experience, we’re engaging in a process that changes the way our brains work.