Becoming Real
“Once you are real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.”
Troy wiped the tears from his cheeks as he watched Andre drive away. They had had such a nice weekend together, and as he expected it was hard to say goodbye. It always is, Troy thought to himself. For both of them. Yet here they were, halfway through Troy’s fellowship, living apart for the time being and managing to do okay. Well, more than okay. Things were really good between them. Despite the distance and all the back-and-forth trips, Troy felt more secure in his relationship with Andre than he’d ever felt with a partner.
Troy knew why. It wasn’t a mystery. It was all the emotional work he had done. All the work he was doing. By finding the courage to be his true self with Andre, repeatedly taking the risk to share his feelings and to show up wholeheartedly, everything had changed. Troy felt as if he had stepped through a wall of fear and arrived more solidly in the world a whole person, able to be present in a way that heretofore had eluded him. Able to be completely himself. Able to show up and be real.
It wasn’t always easy. In fact, sometimes it was pretty challenging. Sometimes Troy’s emotions felt intense and were hard to stay with. Sometimes his anxiety would get the best of him. But each time Troy leaned in, each time he pushed himself to stay open and go the distance with Andre, he felt more confident in himself and more able to manage whatever might arise between them. He felt closer to Andre and more certain of their love for each other. Their connection felt solid. Their relationship real.
Troy thought about how different his experiences were in his past relationships. It was as if he’d been wearing lenses that made so many things seem scary and foreboding. Any bump in the road he encountered with a partner felt extreme and cause for alarm. But the more he was able to face his fear and move through it, the more his anxiety quieted down, and his vision cleared. Life came into sharper focus.
He could see himself more clearly. No longer trapped but with options. No longer possibly not good enough but someone worthy of love. And he could see Andre more objectively as well. No longer as a tyrant or saint but as a three-dimensional human being. Someone with his own history, his own fears, and his own struggles. Someone also just trying his best to make their relationship work. It was all such a relief.
Troy smiled as he recalled what it was like when Andre first got into town a few days ago. Andre had come directly from the airport to pick Troy up at work. Troy was waiting in the lobby when he arrived, and as they approached each other he noticed that Andre hesitated for a moment. Troy could tell Andre felt anxious and unsure of how he should greet him in this professional setting. Should I give him a hug? Shake his hand? What would be appropriate here? In the past, Troy might have not noticed Andre’s self-consciousness. He might not have seen his vulnerability. Instead, he would have been caught up in his own emotional reaction. He would have seen Andre hesitate and thought that it was all about him. That he’d done something wrong. Or he’d worry that Andre was having second thoughts.
This time was different. Troy saw Andre’s struggle, and it touched him. He found it endearing and felt his heart swell with love.
Troy stepped forward, put his arms around Andre, and hugged him. It felt so good to be together. He’s such a sweet man, Troy thought to himself. I’m so lucky.
When we face our fears, when we lean in and share more of ourselves with our partners, when we explore new ways of being with them, everything changes. We loosen the grip of our early programming, and our range of options widens. Our perspective broadens, and our vision clears. We’re able to see and experience ourselves, our partners, and our relationships in a more nuanced way. We’re able to inhabit each moment more fully. We’re able to respond more sensitively and skillfully. Our experiences become richer. Our relationships grow stronger. Our love deepens.
Relationships provide us with countless opportunities for growth and healing. Each challenge we face, each impasse we encounter holds the promise of something better. Each time we’re triggered is an opportunity to break free from the past and realize our true potential, update our wiring, and strengthen our connections.
When we’re mindful, we can see the path toward freedom. We can slow things down. We can stretch the space between stimulus and response and make a choice more aligned with our greater good.
So when the moment arrives, we can ask ourselves how we want to show up. Who do we want to be? What would be the best thing for our relationships? What would make them more secure?
And then we can lean in and do the work. We can bring forth the qualities in ourselves that will make the difference. That will fortify our connections. That will bring us closer. We can take a risk and share the feelings, needs, and desires we’ve been too afraid to share.
Whether we take a small step or go a lot further, it doesn’t matter. Everything counts. It is a lifelong process that adds up over time. Each mindful effort we make grows our capacity to be present, to be real, to be connected.
We need to be patient and kind with ourselves as we do the work. We need to encourage and support ourselves as we peel away the layers and come more fully into the present moment. We need to remind ourselves of the importance of what we’re doing. We need to remind ourselves of the reason for our efforts.
Doing the work to show up wholeheartedly in our relationships is an act of love. Love for ourselves and love for others. We’re honoring our feelings and giving ourselves a chance to come into our own, to actualize. We’re honoring our partners. We’re showing them how much they mean to us. How much our relationship means to us. We’re giving them all we’ve got. We’re loving like we mean it.
Emotional mindfulness illuminates the path forward. Now you have the tools to guide you on your journey. May they serve you well. May they bring you all the riches that loving deeply can bring.