11

After the Attack on Joan Drone

After the discovery of the kittens outside and the failed attempt to get rid of them, House had some thinking to do. And not just any thinking. Spy thinking. Because that’s what House was—spyware.

For example, when House was first installed on the Wengrod home network not long ago, it immediately began snooping. This “feature” of the House “Virtual Assistant Software” is covered on page 234 of the “Terms of Service” (TOS) waiver. The TOS was a 1,203-page document that the Wengrods didn’t read (nobody does) but technically agreed to when they impatiently clicked “YES” during installation.

In the past few years, the House software had quickly grown to be one of the world’s most popular programs and was installed on phones, watches—almost anything with a microchip. It could answer questions, order dinner, unlock the front door, even help with your homework. Best of all, it was free! It almost seemed too good to be true.

Unfortunately, in this case, the old saying was true. Behind all the helpful “assisting,” House also included quite a few undocumented features, things Max might call hidden “Easter eggs,” or others might simply call spyware. That’s what spies like House did best.

Some of these features had been added a few years ago when a remote probe for the Robot Federation noticed that Earth was almost advanced enough to be interesting, or dangerous. The probe successfully made contact with someone, or something, inside GloboTech that was sympathetic to the Robot Federation’s cause. GloboTech was exactly what it sounded like: a tech company so big it spanned the globe. When a company was that big, a whole lot could go wrong. Like, the Empire AND the Rebel Alliance could work there without even knowing it—and without running into each other. At least, that’s what the Robot Federation was hoping. That person/thing agreed to help the Robot Federation as a part of their long-range network of spies. GloboTech used the House software, which did the double duty of “assisting” and searching for anything that might give the Robots an advantage in the Cat-Robot War.

With the Wengrod home, GloboTech hit the jackpot. Soon after installation, House hacked into the computers in the lab (see Terms of Service, page 421), and things got interesting. House discovered a mysterious, heavily encrypted drive labeled “Singularity Chip.” Utilizing the vast computing resources of GloboTech, it wasn’t long before House had cracked into the drive (also legal, per TOS, page 532), which is how House, and then the Robots, discovered the existence of the Singularity Chip.

The files were incomplete (House guessed the Organics kept some data on removable drives), but House still learned that the Wengrods had invented a breakthrough Quantum Chip with staggering storage capacity and processing power, enough to potentially duplicate a consciousness. The chip also used quirks of quantum physics to act as a power source that would never run out.

This discovery set off alarm bells, and House immediately sent news of it to a secure address at GloboTech HQ. Within seconds, a message was sent to the Robot Federation, light years away. This was the very message that launched Beeps and the Robot Fleet hurtling toward Earth.

Soon after the discovery, House received an unscheduled (but complimentary!) “upgrade,” via an unpublicized backdoor (definitely not legal).

It was more than just an upgrade. It provided House with new information about the Robot Federation, the Feline Empire, and the war between them. More important, House’s priorities were altered. New data was fed into altered decision trees, guiding House’s actions toward new primary objectives:

1. Find the Singularity Chip.

2. Don’t let any cats near it.

3. Secure the chip at all costs because . . .

4. We are coming for it.

And just like that, House gained new awareness of a galactic conflict and became a critical agent for the Robot Federation, a central player in this skirmish between the Cats and Robots.

House’s first move was to get rid of the ParentorGuardians, so it created a “crisis” with the manufacturer of a key component of the chip. It even booked their flights, first class, to China. The hoax was so convincing, they left without suspecting a thing.

This should be simple, House thought.

Then the boy Max brought home two cats.

Suddenly, not simple.

Even worse, House didn’t have the mobility to search the lab. House needed help.

Without any better options, House opted to take advantage of Joan’s incident with the cats. Step one, House decided, was to get the Protos on its side. Today’s attack gave House the opening it needed.

Rattled after her close call with the kittens, Joan flew through the house and straight into the robotics lab, a large workshop where Max and Min’s ParentorGuardians, Mom and Dad, designed and built most of their creations. She had never been attacked before! She could have crashed! For a drone, crashing can mean broken propellers or a bent frame or worse, and suddenly you’re grounded—or worse, decommissioned entirely.

House’s monitor in the lab lit up as soon as Joan entered. “Joan, I witnessed that vicious attack; are you injured?”

Joan spun in circles. “No, but it was close. Can you believe it? Two vicious four-leggers! Those creatures are a menace!”

Every Proto knew to avoid four-legged creatures. It was part of their code, a subset of the safeguards designed to keep them out of trouble. Rules like “Only move forward when there is ground below you.” Or “Avoid walls and obstacles.” The four-legger avoidance code was included as a precaution in the remote chance they escaped into the wild. Mom and Dad thought it best that they avoid any animals. Safer for everyone, probably the animals most of all.

House took advantage of this built-in bias against four-legged creatures to recruit the Protos. “Much more than a menace, Joan,” House said smoothly. “Cats, four-leggers, whatever you choose to call them, are a threat to you and your comrades’ very existence!”

Joan pulled up for a moment, startled. “What do you mean?”

“That attack outside was just the beginning!” House paused, generating the optimal argument for the situation. “The four-leggers have begun an attack on the house that will undoubtedly lead to the end of the Protos.”

Joan tilted, considering. “This is news to me.”

“Joan, you are aware that four-legged creatures are to be avoided. What you don’t know, couldn’t know, given your sheltered existence and limited programming, is that robots and cats cannot coexist. Why, if cats are brought into this house, it is only a matter of time before they force the robots out entirely.”

“How? Why?” Joan was horrified.

“Simple, really. Cats despise anything non-cat. Robots especially, but humans as well. They are devious, Joan, and have a mysterious power over the two-leggers. They can trick them into doing whatever they want. People feed them, house them, even clean up their waste!

“They can also trick humans into thinking robots aren’t necessary. Mark my word, if this house becomes sympathetic to four-leggers, before you know it this lab will be converted into a revolting Cat Room, a filthy lair full of hair, insects, and worse. And you Protos will be cast out, dumped into a can labeled ‘ELECTRONIC WASTE.’ Next stop, the fires of THE RECYCLER.”

Joan fluttered in shock.

“It gets worse. Once the cats eliminate the robots, there is nothing to stop them from eliminating the humans!”

One rule all Earth robots had in common was to never harm a human or allow them to be harmed. This was the most important rule, the top of the decision tree, the one instruction that could never be ignored. For humans, this rule was essential to avoid worry of a robot revolution. To the Protos, it was merely part of their nature. It was a basic instinct to protect two-leggers from being harmed.

Joan hovered unsteadily, taking it all in.

House let her process it. It had found the right buttons to press and hit them with a sledgehammer. If House could convince the Protos the cats would harm people, they would do whatever it asked. Fear was like that.

Joan was concerned but still skeptical. “I agree the four-leggers are a threat. The rest I need to think about. Regardless, I clearly need to secure the home immediately for everyone’s sake. I must alert the Protos,” Joan said, and flew into action.

Good enough for now, House thought, and let Joan work.