26

Kittens Vs. Protos

Joan’s update finished downloading and her systems came back online one after another. As she regained consciousness, Joan was grateful. She never told her team, but she found shutting down for her weekly update to be a rather terrifying prospect. Waking up afterward was always a cause for a small celebration.

Today, she cheerfully spun her props up, preparing to take off for a quick test flight.

The moment she was in the air, she heard it. A sudden crash, the sound of precious equipment falling to the floor.

Joan spun around, panicked. Two furry balls of terror, obviously startled at her appearance, scrambled rapidly to the ground into what Joan could only assume was an attack formation.

Serpentine? Phalanx? This was no tactic she recognized, which only made her more concerned.

Joan fluttered, stunned. Get a grip, Joan, you can handle this!

She watched as the four-leggers (she identified them from her attack and their previous excursion) ran into each other and almost everything else in the lab as they sprinted toward the door.

Tipsy was the first of Joan’s squad to wake up. “Rise and shiiiiiiiine, everybody!” Her tinny speaker played a squeaky version of a bugle, waking her teammates. Drags’s eyes lit up and he raised his arms, energized. “Ready for action, Joan!” Drags looked up and saw Joan’s strange flight pattern. He knew in his circuits there was danger. He sped down to investigate.

A mass of fur and bones ricocheted off him and kept running toward the door. “INTRUDER ALERT! Protos assemble! Defensive posture!” Drags pulled back behind a chair as the four-leggers scrabbled through the door around the corner.

“OOOWEEEEOOOOOWEEEEE!” Tipsy bumped into spilled gear, sounding the alert siren. Cy finished his update last and rolled down the ramp to help.

Joan flew lower. “Okay, Protos, this is bad. The four-leggers have not only entered the house, they have breached the lab! While we were updating!”

“Have they no honor?” Drags said, indignant that an enemy would attack during an update.

“I feel dirty,” Cy said as he spun around, cat hair flying.

“Wake up, L-mer!” Tipsy bumped into Elmer, rolling through the edges of the puddle beneath him. Elmer sat silently, oblivious to the whirlwind surrounding him.

“Elmer is on a different update schedule,” Joan said somberly. “It’s up to us to chase those four-leggers back into the hole they came from.”

“Leave it to me!” Drags rolled bravely through the door, arms forward, ready to deflect the most vicious of attacks.

“I’ll provide air support.” Joan followed.

“I’ll provide . . . moral support!” Tipsy volunteered, which was really the best (and only) kind of support the wobbly bot could offer.

“I-I-I will guard the flank?” Cy spun around, making sure there were no other unpleasant surprises lurking in the lab.

Stu and Scout rushed breathlessly out of the lab and huddled together under a couch in the living room.

“Where did those things come from?” Stu whispered.

Scout needed a moment to catch her breath. “They were there the whole time, waiting to ambush us!”

“Seems like cheating to me,” Stu muttered.

“We have to get back downstairs. I can see the door. Let’s make a break for it.”

Scout crept and slithered out from under the couch. “Wait!” Stu hissed, but it was too late.

Drags appeared in the lab doorway, graspers at the ready. The Proto jerked to a stop and turned toward Scout, red lights flashing, graspers clacking menacingly.

Scout, still oblivious, turned back to Stu. “Come on, slowpoke!” Scout jumped when the loud buzz of Joan’s propellers flooded the room. Tipsy wobbled close behind, and Scout hissed, claws out.

“We’re outnumbered! What do we do?” Scout was paralyzed with fear.

Drags started inching forward toward Scout. Tipsy, already bored of the alarm and concerned about team morale, decided to change things up and added a melody, turning it into a cheerful sort of song. “WeeeOoooo! WeeeeOoooo! OoooooWeeeeee!” She smiled as she sang.

Stu looked around frantically, trying to come up with a plan. The robots were getting closer, and before long they would be blocking their escape route to the downstairs.

“Hold on, Scout, I have an idea!”

Stu backed out from under the couch and bounded up onto the kitchen table. “Hey dumb-bots, I got a question for you: What has no legs and can’t climb?”

They all turned toward Stu and quickly moved to surround the table, trapping Stu.

“Now run, Scout! Save yourself!”

Scout hesitated, then sprinted toward the open door. Safe inside, she peeked out sadly to watch as Stu met his tragic, untimely end.

Stu crouched on the kitchen table warily. He never took his eyes off Joan, watching carefully as she flew in circles around him. His tail was flicking wildly, and his butt began to wiggle. Joan came around again and Stu leaped into the air, flailing wildly.

“Stu, no!” Scout mewed from the door, watching in horror as Stu careened desperately toward Joan. “Stu, go!” Scout yelled when Stu’s claws hooked onto a dangling wire and he held on desperately as Joan tilted and dipped with the extra weight.

“Whhhooooaaaa!” Stu yelled as Joan flew in a wider circle, trying to regain her balance. She bobbed up and down, lower and lower, around the room.

“Yeah, Stu, you can fly!” Scout shouted encouragement.

Joan, out of control, flew straight toward Scout. “Uh-oh,” she said, shrinking back. At the last moment, Stu retracted his claws and tumbled to the ground. He slid on the wood floor straight through the door, barreling into Scout, carrying both of them down the stairs.

“Protos, we’ve got them. Shut the door now!” Joan shrieked as she bounced up and carefully regained balance, narrowly avoiding the walls.

“I g-got this!” Cy zoomed bravely behind the door and pushed until it slammed shut.

“Hooraaayyyyy!” Tipsy said as she rolled out from behind the couch.

“Joan, are you okay?” Drags followed her as she flew back to the lab.

“I’m fine,” Joan said, a little too quietly. She wasn’t fine.

As they all gathered back in the mess of a lab, Joan looked at the clock and regained her composure. Almost time for Max and Min to return from school.

“No time for a debriefing, team. Get back into your positions; the kids will be back any minute.” The squad dutifully moved back to their charging stations, circuits buzzing with excitement.

“Joan, you were sooooo braaaave!” Tipsy lilted.

“Only doing my duty,” she said, props slowing. She knew inside, however, that this was an escalation and she would need help. She eyed House’s monitor.

But can I really trust that condescending no-body?