| |
A short time later Patricia called everyone to the picnic table to eat. "Where's Amanda?" she asked her husband. He shrugged, and everyone grew quiet. From the nearby shrubs a loud slap could be heard. Patricia said to Willie, "It's Joey again, William. You really need to have a talk with that boy and his parents."
"Are you serious? He's over thirty years old. Besides, our daughter can take care of herself. Maybe you should go check on Joey though."
Patricia turned to her company and explained. "Joey grew up next door, and he's always had a crush on Amanda. He still lives at home with his parents," she said with a sigh. "This happens every time Amanda comes to visit." She nodded toward the shrubbery as Amanda appeared, wiping her sleeve as though a bug had landed on it.
"I'm still going to marry you," a voice came from the shrubs. "You can't turn me down forever."
"Joey, get out here- now!" Patricia commanded. "We have company, so show some manners." A blonde head popped out of the shrubs. He was pale except for the pink hand imprint left by Amanda. Joey had hazel eyes behind his dark frame glasses. Sady expected to see a frail, bone cracking physique follow the head.
"Whoa!" Sady mumbled when Joey stepped from the bushes. "Greek God bod alert!" Matt scowled, and the others looked amused.
"Oops! Sorry, I didn't mean to say that out loud," Sady shrugged with a smile. Joey sat down next to Sady with a grin while Amanda rolled her eyes.
Amanda and her niece said at the same time, "He's used to it."
"There's a disturbing pattern of thought agreement going on here," Matt nudged Sady, trying to get her attention. "Do they have a mind meld spell? Oh, hell, I know Little Amanda just heard me say that!"
"Then she also just heard you swear," Sady reminded him. Matt shot a look at Alicia and she grinned like a cat ready to eat a mouse. She tugged on her grandmother's arm, getting ready to tell on Matt. Matt waved his wallet, Alicia's smile grew, and Sady's mouth dropped.
"Shame on you. You can't do that! Isn't bribing a minor illegal?" she scolded him under her breath.
"Nope. She's not a minor, trust me. She's already full out delinquent, so I'm not contributing to anything. Other than her savings account. Oh, look. She wants to negotiate. I'll be back in a few minutes." It was a full ten minutes before Matt returned, and he was fuming. "She's in the wrong business. She needs to give up that pretend 'kid look' and take up collecting for the mob."
"What did you expect? By your own admission she's a delinquent," Sady laughed. "How much did she stick you for?" Matt stewed while he ignored her question. "Do I need to ask Alicia? I'm sure she'd be happy to let me know," Sady prodded.
"Fifty," he admitted with a growl.
Sady choked, "Fifty dollars? It's a good thing you didn't drop the grand-daddy of them all, the big F bomb. You want me to ask her what the going rate is for that word?"
"She settled for fifty... because that's all I had in my wallet!" he complained. "I wonder if this is how the family really got their money. Little Amanda told me Big Amanda has a room where she punishes anyone with a potty mouth. I don't even want to imagine what takes place in that room! I guess I should be glad the mother of the clones didn't hear me."
"You better not let her hear you call her 'Big Amanda,' either. Imagine the punishment for that! So, does this make our Amanda a medium or a regular?" Sady teased.
"Medium, because there's no way she's regular," Matt replied.
After lunch, Sady and Joey hovered around Willie. CJ poked Matt with a grin and nodded in Sady's direction.
"She's just fishing for an invitation to drive that fiberglass hot dog," he observed in a withering tone. "I'd like to think a man with Willie's business smarts realizes it's never a good idea to let someone so eager to take your hot dog out for a spin... That didn't sound right, did it?"
CJ laughed. "What do you think?"
"Well, either way his sanity could rightly be questioned. Look at how he lives!" Matt remarked, waving his hand at the Keller women.
CJ observed, "It looks like neighbor Joey is eager to be in Willie's good graces. Do you think he wants to drive the hot dog, too?"
Another snort from Matt. "He's just eager for approval. He's butt kissing Amanda's dad so he can get his face slapped inside the house instead of having to crawl around in the bushes for abuse."
Everyone turned when Sady let out a squeal of delight. "Is she still in undercover mode?" CJ asked Harry.
"More like Beauty Queen PTSD," Matt interrupted.
Harry smiled. "I think we are seeing the real Sandy-Sue Morrow's continued emergence from the uptight world of the beauty pageant and library rules. Willie must have agreed to her fondest wish." Willie grinned like a fool, and Sady hugged him like a fool.
Then they heard Patricia mumble, "That old fool," with a shake of her head.
Sady waved and yelled, "Who wants to come?" The grandkids all looked bored as did Amanda and Patricia. CJ and Harry were busy inspecting something, and Matt joined them. Only Joey seemed willing to take Sady up on her offer.
"I hope Willie's paid up on his insurance," Matt said to no one in particular.
Willie looked at Sady and Joey. "It looks like just you two... all alone in the big WW. Can I trust you to behave yourself, Joey?" Joey grinned, and Willie asked Sady if she was up to date on her shots. She snickered, while Patricia kept a running monologue going in the background which everyone tried to ignore.
"Aren't you going?" Matt asked Amanda.
She gave him an assessing look. "I'll go, if you'll go."
After a moment's hesitation Matt yelled, "Hey, wait up... Amanda and I are coming along," and he added to Amanda, "I'm going to regret this." They caught up to Willie, Sady, and Joey at the garage.
"If this is a cloning lab, I'm running home," Matt announced.
When Willie lifted the garage door, Matt saw the look on Sady's face and nudged her, "Do you and the dog need a moment alone?" Sady grinned and shook her head, following Willie as he gave the grand tour.
He finished his speech, then stopped with a look of chagrin on his face. "Sorry it's such a mess inside. The grandkids were gonna clean it for me. Oh, I almost forgot. Do you have a chauffeur's license? If not, then you'll only be able to drive it around the property."
Matt's smile of relief slipped when Sady pulled out her driver's license, showing her chauffeur's endorsement. "Why do you have a chauffeur's license?" he asked.
"For times like this," Sady yelled. "Who wants shotgun?" Amanda shoved Matt in the back and he stumbled toward the vehicle.
"Well, it looks like you're all set. Amanda and Joey can tell you where to go, so you don't get lost."
"The destination of this thing is pre-set, and it's not a nice place," Matt muttered, climbing into the front seat reluctantly. "I feel like I've stepped onto the S.S. Minnow. And being told where to go? That's a given- at least in Amanda's case. I don't think Joey even knows where he is right now, but maybe he checks in from orbit now and again."
Matt barely finished speaking when Sady waved, honked the horn (which sounded like a dog barking), and barreled down the drive toward the street. She slammed on the brakes and miscellaneous loose items got thrown around inside the vehicle. Matt tossed the things that landed on him to the floor.
"We forgot something," Sady announced solemnly. She looked at her passengers, then passed out hats from a bag Willie had given her. Sady and Joey put on their hats. Sady's said Top Dog and had flapping ears. Joey's said Under Dog and looked like a hot dog in a bun. Matt and Amanda received the same style as Joey, but their dogs ran front to back, whereas Joey's ran side to side- like a smile.
"I'm not wearing it," Matt complained. "Right, Amanda?" He turned and swore at Amanda when she plunked the hot dog on her head.
"Any more stupid questions?" Amanda asked Matt.
"I'm not doing it," he insisted and folded his arms in defiance. Sady narrowed her eyes and kept the wagon in Park, but she revved the engine several times.
"Oh, look. Here comes Willie and the grandkids, and they're all waving. Maybe they changed their minds and want to come along after all. It's a good thing this has a bench seat. I bet Alicia likes to ride in the front," Sady said.
Matt turned with a glare and traded hats with Sady. "Just go! I hope there hasn't been a psych ward escape because we're all going to a bad place if they drop the net on us."
"Quit complaining, and help me navigate this thing," Sady interrupted. "I wonder if this is how it feels when you get a complete T and A overhaul?" she asked herself.
Matt laughed and said, "I wouldn't know. Finding yourself a little broad in the beam, are you?"
"Shut up and tell me if I'll clear that car so I can turn the corner." A scraping sound had her yelling at Matt, "Why didn't you tell me I was cutting the corner too close?" She didn't hit the car waiting to turn. She scraped the light post on the corner of the street.
"Don't blame it on me. You saw that, didn't you, Amanda? Joey?" Matt looked into the back seat and asked Sady, "Is there a self-destruct button on this thing?"
Joey smiled at him with a lipstick covered face and crooked glasses. His hat was twisted, and the bun was smashed. Joey took a deep breath like a diver coming up for air just before Amanda yanked him back. Matt slapped his hands over his eyes and said, "Hurry up, Sady."
"What?" Sady yelled.
"Just make it quick and merciful! Don't make me bleed out slowly. I can't take anymore. I think Willie has something unnatural blowing through these air vents."
"These roads are too restrictive," Sady decided. "There's a vacant parking lot. I'm gonna pull in there and see what Willie's got under the hood." Matt heard Sady's warning, so he closed his eyes and braced for impact.
Joey didn't hear anything coming from the front seat. Seconds later he sat up, screaming in fright as Sady gave the steering wheel a sharp turn. He tumbled across the seat. as the back end of the Wienie Wagon skidded sideways and nearly passed the front. Amanda noticed nothing wrong, but reached for Joey as he desperately clawed his way toward a seat belt. Before he could buckle, Sady gassed the pedal and threw the vehicle into a spin. She saw Joey in the rear-view mirror and his glasses now dangled from one ear. "Sorry about the glasses," Sady yelled to him.
"It's not his glasses that has him worried," Matt told her.
"Then talk to Amanda about it. She's the one who yanked him into the backseat, not me," Sady told him.
"There's definitely something in the air, or maybe it was those dogs we ate for lunch. Did you three eat the same kind?" Matt wondered out loud while Sady ignored him.
"I think I've got a feel for it," she announced. "We're hitting the streets again." She wheeled out of the lot and floored it. "We're gonna show this baby off!" she announced as Amanda directed her to one of the busiest streets in the area.
"Sady, did you see that sign for the low overpass?" Matt asked nervously.
"Yep, and there's no issue. We'll clear it with room to spare," she assured him.
"It's not the top I'm worried about," he yelled just before the wienie came to a crunching halt. It was quiet except for the sound of the fiberglass screaming against the concrete. Then, without warning the vehicle dropped a couple inches with a loud cracking sound, and a cloud of dust rose from both ends of the dog.
"It was the road dip that had me worried," Matt finished. "With good reason."
"What happened?" Sady asked in surprise, opening the door to inspect the damage. Ketchup, empty cups, salt packets, and Willie's Special Sauce packages dropped out onto the road.
"You just tried to fit a dinner plate into a cereal bowl opening," Matt said as he looked at the damage. Both ends of the giant hot dog broke off the vehicle and lay like obscene pieces of modern art on Woodward Avenue.
Sady ran around the vehicle and held up a small broken piece. "Do you think it can be glued back together?" she asked Matt.
While he doubled over with laughter, Amanda and Joey exited the vehicle. "Oh, Amanda. I'm so sorry! Your dad's going to kill me." Sady was almost in tears.
"For this?" Amanda asked, waving her hand at the destruction. "He's seen worse," she sniffed. "My brothers totally trashed one of these."
Matt looked at her in disbelief. "And this isn't totally trashed?" he asked.
Amanda snorted. "The engine still runs and the tires are attached. No, it's not totally trashed! I'm not even telling you what I did to one of these, Stubbles. It's a rite of passage in my family. Destroy the Wienie Wagon before you leave home. It's a matter of pride. The grandkids are already plotting new ways to wreck this thing. Besides, this one is for advertising and shows. It's just a plastic dog with a motor, and not even the original. I think Pops totaled the first one. Anyway, we've been through so many we lost count. He doesn't let us drive the trucks that actually serve food- those are the Chuck Wagons."
"Well, in that case, help me move these pieces off the road so we can get out of here," Sady told Matt. "Before the cops show up."
Matt snorted. "Just drive off and leave broken fiberglass hot dog pieces in the road? You don't think they'll realize where they came from?"
"Just shut up," Sady hissed. "Maybe they won't find out until after we've gone home." Traffic was backing up on the busy road, and horns blew. 'Bleep- BLEEP!' Too late- the local PD pulled up with flashing lights.
"Hurry, help clean up some of this mess so it doesn't look so bad," Sady ordered Matt. She hastily grabbed some of the items that had fallen out of the vehicle and shoved them into her pockets.
The officers didn't notice. They looked worried about Joey and offered to call an ambulance. "Sir, you should sit down," one officer told him.
Amanda cackled. "There's nothing wrong with him that a cold shower won't cure."
With his back to Amanda the officer tightened his shoulders and said, "Miss Keller, I wondered which one of you was responsible for this mess. I thought maybe we were to the next generation of Keller driving delinquents. I was hoping to retire before that time." He pointed to Joey, then said, "I don't even need to ask which one of you is responsible for this mess. Do you want to press charges?" he asked Joey. Joey gave him a goofy grin. The officer shook his head and turned to Amanda.
"Well, this is a new one, Amanda. At least it's not your mom again."
"Pops hides the keys so she can't cruise in it. Besides, I don't think she has her license back yet," Amanda replied, and he laughed.
"Okay, so which one of you is to blame?" he asked. Sady looked at the sky as Matt pointed to her. She glared at him, then raised her hand and pasted on a smile.
"Does saying I'm sorry help?" Sady asked the officer.
Amanda saw the look on his face and interrupted. "Who do I call at the road commission to complain about this dip in the road? There's no warning sign about the bad section of road here that causes vehicle damage. Not to mention my neck... and Joey's. Look at that poor man. He looks like he needs an ambulance. Do you realize after we got stuck the whole thing broke, and we fell? It jarred my back something terrible. It's a wonder I can even walk. Now who do I need to call to complain about this? This road hazard is improperly marked."
While Amanda blew her horn, one officer picked up the larger pieces of fiberglass and loaded them into the squad car trunk with Sady's help. He shook his head at his partner and grabbed a broom to sweep up the remaining mess. Sady ran ahead of him and picked up the items that had come from inside the vehicle when she opened the door.
When the cleaning officer finished, he yelled to his partner, "You're wasting your breath. Let's just get traffic moving and we'll drop this stuff off at Willie's garage at the end of our shift." He rubbed his hands together with glee. "No more cold lunches for a month. Willie's always good for at least a month when this thing gets wrecked," he told Sady. "He upped that to three months of free lunches when Patty got loose last time. If I had to choose between my wife and Willie's hot dogs... I might be living on the street, but at least I'd go to sleep each night with a smile on my face."
"It's good to see nepotism is alive and well... and flourishing," Matt said with a disgusted look.
"Don't knock it," Sady whispered. "In this case it's called chivalry, not nepotism. Hurry and get in before the angry mob of drivers takes to the street and shreds the rest of the dog. Oh, would you like a turn behind the wheel?"
"You wish," he scoffed. "I'm not taking the blame when we limp back to the garage in this thing."