Using Your Words to Strengthen Your Marriage
When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.
Ernest Hemingway
The day I turned sixteen I couldn’t wait to get my driver’s license. Most of my friends at school—namely, Selena—were already driving, so I couldn’t wait to join them. Seeing my excitement, my parents took me to the licensing office as soon as it opened so I could take my test. By the time we arrived, my excitement turned to anxiety as I grasped the stakes. If I failed the test, my dreams of freedom would be shattered. If I passed, my life would be forever changed for the better. I even had plans to celebrate with friends later that evening, and Selena was going to be there (we weren’t dating yet). I was so sure I would pass—why not make plans? This was before the anxiety set in, of course.
I nervously took the driver’s seat as the examiner watched and noted my every move. Seat belt, check. Rearview mirror, check. Side mirrors, good to go.
I gave myself a pep talk. You got this, just don’t choke. Remember your training.
It was almost like I was getting ready to contend for a heavyweight title. I had studied for months and driven with my parents as much as humanly possible. All I had to do was keep my cool. Which I did—for the most part.
I aced every aspect of the test. I backed around corners like a swan taking flight. I parallel parked like a ninja. I observed all speed limits, merged with poise, and checked blind spots like I had been driving for decades. Just as the test was coming to a close, we rounded the last corner, and I could see the licensing office just ahead. Just one more intersection to go. I’m gonna make it! I thought to myself. Victory is mine!
Then it happened.
Just as I approached the last intersection, the green light turned yellow. Except it wasn’t one of those times when the choice to stop or go was clear. It was an awkward yellow. There wasn’t enough space to stop without slamming on the brakes, but I wasn’t so close that I knew for sure I’d make it through the intersection before it turned red.
Oh, no. My stomach dropped. I knew I was at a literal and a figurative crossroads! This was the single moment that would decide my destiny.
Time slowed to a crawl. The hair on my neck stood on end. I white-knuckled ten and two as my brain flooded with gallons of every hormone that causes teenage boys to go instantly idiotic. In a flash, I made my choice—there was no going back. I slammed on the gas pedal. My instructor grabbed his above-window handle, locked his knees, pushed his feet firmly into the floor, and flattened his head and back against his seat. I wondered if he heard the tires scrape against the wheel wells as I bottomed out the shocks on my ’94 Honda Civic and bounced through the intersection. I caught a glimpse of the yellow light as it changed to red before immediately applying heavy pressure to the brake and turning hard into the licensing office.
I sheepishly pulled into the closest drive test parking stall. My instructor scribbled something on his clipboard. I put the car in park and let it idle, but my heart still raced at the speed of awkward yellow.
Pregnant pause. Long silence. I could hear my examiner catching his breath.
“How did I d—” I started to say.
“You failed,” he interrupted. “You can’t run a red light and expect to pass your driver’s test.”
In an instant I was doomed to a life filled with bicycles and bus stops. I burned through the stages of grief faster than you can say “eight-ball shifter.” I blasted past denial and anger before making a pit stop at bargaining. The examiner wouldn’t have it. So I cut my losses and went home to get started on depression. I didn’t hit acceptance until a few days later—just in time to retake my driver’s test.
Communication is all about signals. You send and receive signals through your words, body language, tone, and timing to relay information. The information you send is powerful because it deeply affects your relationship—your sense of safety, trust, and emotional intimacy. It’s helpful to recall the purpose of traffic lights. Their sole function is to enable communication between vehicles on the road. Green tells drivers it’s safe to drive through an intersection because the cross traffic has a red light and should be stopped. This agreed method of communication allows traffic to function harmoniously, assuming all drivers recognize and honor the same system. If you run a red light—if you miss the signal—you’re likely to cause a collision.
The same is true for communication in marriage. If you miss the signals your spouse is sending, or send the wrong ones yourself, you may be headed for a collision. If and when your signals are in sync, you’ll experience harmony, safety, and freedom.
A Direct Line to the Heart
God created everything by his words, and Jesus is called the Living Word. Words are important—they were designed that way! Also, Scripture is full of verses warning against foolish talk and refusing to listen.
The effects of good and bad communication are magnified in marriage because of how close you are to one another. You share unprecedented access to each other’s hearts. Your words, if misused, can cause damage. But they can also bring healing.
The verse below represents a prevalent theme throughout Scripture:
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Prov. 12:18)
My heart surgeon intentionally left four wires in my chest when they closed me up. Each one was tied off and sewn to my skin just below my rib cage in two rows of two. I remember looking down and thinking about how weird they looked, and I still have the scars to remind me. Each wire entered into my chest, looped under my ribs, and traced upward to touch a strategic place on my heart. Their sole purpose was to provide my doctors with direct access in case they needed to restart my heart during the week following my surgery. If my heart stopped beating, they literally had the power to bring me back to life. They also had the ability to kill me in an instant—but I try not to focus on that. (By the way, when they pulled them out I was fully conscious. It was horrible, but it makes for a great story.)
You have a direct line to your spouse’s heart. Your words can give life or they can bring death. This is true for words in general. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits” (18:21). How much more powerful are the words exchanged between spouses? How much more careful should we be in how we communicate with each other?
The goal in communication is always to advance your relationship and enhance your intimacy. Yes, you will need to discuss daily tasks and mundane life to-dos, but even benign conversations can either help or hurt your overall communication climate and relational intimacy. It’s crucial to recognize common communication pitfalls so you can steer clear.
In the next section, Selena will discuss how to understand and recover from communication breakdowns, then I’ll return to explore practical ideas for gospel-fueled, marriage-strengthening communication.
SELENA
Our fleshly reactions are always rooted in some functional disbelief in the gospel. You’ll never communicate more poorly than when being right becomes integral to your identity, when feeling disrespected is an assault on your worth, and when fixing injustice is your sole responsibility. Remembering the sufficiency of Christ in hard moments changes everything. It’s crucial and challenging to remember that we are secure in God, our worth is rooted in God’s love (which was proven on the cross), and fixing injustice is God’s domain. This is right about where the sanctifying work of marriage begins to dig in. Learning to communicate is perhaps the most obvious and consistent area where Ryan and I feel the heat of God’s sanctification hard at work, and it is a slow, arduous, necessary process. There’s always fire involved in refining. Our fieriest moments typically happen when our pride and selfishness are in full force.
In communicating with your spouse, you will sometimes feel like your identity is under attack. You will feel like you’re being disrespected. And you will feel a need for justice. You will need to forgive and you will need to be forgiven. You will need grace and you will need to extend it. Speaking from personal experience, communication will reveal your need for Jesus without fail. It will also expose God’s continuous work in your hearts and provide a plethora of opportunities to minister to each other.
Ryan has a direct line to my heart, and it makes our communication both sacred and challenging. His words (or lack thereof) carry more weight because he is my husband. I’m convinced that communication is a sanctifying cycle in which the words we speak highlight the issues of our hearts (Luke 6:45). Breakdowns in communication are inevitable. It’s in these breakdowns that we can experience and extend God’s grace by understanding that the goal is reconciliation and not simply being “right.” Reconciling requires us to listen and hear, to engage and understand, remembering that we are no better than our spouse but we are all saved and loved by God’s grace.
More Than Words
Ryan’s one responsibility in the morning is to take the garbage out (if it wasn’t taken out the night before). It’s a point of contention for us because I don’t want to nag him, but if I don’t remind him, he tends to forget. One morning, after Ryan got home from the gym, I politely asked him to please take out the garbage (we’d had fish for dinner the night before and it was beginning to stink). He said he would. Lunch rolled around, the fish smell was at an all-time high. He came downstairs for lunch (he works from home). I looked at him and I looked at the garbage; no exchange of words. It was now time for dinner, and the stench was beyond grotesque. Again he came downstairs; I looked at him and looked at the garbage. Our looks and bodies squared off a bit. He got frustrated and began explaining all the reasons why he would take it out. Could I have taken the garbage out? Yes, but for me it was the principle. He said he would take out the garbage but apparently didn’t indicate when, just that he would at some point that day.
Now I’m not trying to paint him in a bad light, because I’m incredibly grateful for everything he does for our family. But I’m sure if you reflect on your own marriage, you can see how communication breakdowns can begin. A small disagreement or frustration with your spouse in the morning, a complete lack of words (or texts) to each other all day, and yet you both know (and feel) exactly what is being communicated. The feelings of anger and frustration are obvious, making our silent spells anything but golden.
On the flipside, we also have days when we talk and interact all day but it does nothing to build our closeness. Although we are communicating with each other, it feels incredibly shallow, and we both feel disconnected and annoyed. Needless to say, communication is more than the words we share; it’s a telltale sign of what’s going on in our hearts and the real focus of our souls.
In our case, I was frustrated with Ryan for not taking out the garbage even though he said he would. In an attempt to not nag him, I left the stinky garbage in the bin—one small task. Does he even know what I do during the day? Obviously my issue was not the garbage; it was that I selfishly felt like I was doing more around the house than he was. Hmm, keeping track of wrongs much?
Breakdown To-Dos
When our communication begins to break down, my tendency is to see how I can fix it rather than first going to God’s Word (that should be hidden in my heart) and humbly seeking his instruction. James 1:19–22 provides clear framework for us in this instance:
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.
If we break down this passage of Scripture, James offers us four instructions.
1. Be Quick to Hear
Listen for what the real issue is. In the case of the stinky fish garbage, I didn’t once think to ask Ryan if he was having a busy day and needed my help. I didn’t notice how quickly he was on the phone for a meeting, or how his tone seemed a little overwhelmed when we talked about the garbage. Hearing requires the attention of the ears and the heart. When I hear what is going on in my husband’s world, my heart is stirred to love him. When I hear my husband’s heart—not just his words—it helps me see him as the gift he is and remember how (like me) he’s a work in progress. It’s not about keeping score but about extending grace and recognizing an opportunity to show him covenant love, despite my own feelings or whatever craziness has happened in my day.
When you listen to your spouse, you’re saying to them, “I care about you and I value what you’re saying. I want to give you my mind, my time, and my undivided attention.” When you’re listening, you’re loving. Listening is all about respect. When you listen to your spouse you are affirming them by telling them they are valuable and worth your full engagement. Disrespect is the dark underbelly of familiarity. As you grow closer to each other (good!) it’s easy to express your familiarity in ways that are actually disrespectful (bad!).
We’ve discovered three ways this plays out in our communication: distractions, interruptions, and failure to empathize. Listening never needed to be more intentional than now. We live in a time riddled with distraction opportunities. Every phone bing, buzz, bleep, tweet, and notification would love to steal a few seconds of our time. Add that to the sense of intrigue and validation offered on social media, and we’ve got a recipe for diluted, shortened attention.
Most poor communication in our marriage starts with one of us being disengaged and looking down at our phone. Talking gets frustrating because someone isn’t really paying attention; one of us isn’t listening. It’s not as if Ryan checks his email while I’m bawling my eyes out; it’s never that drastic. The timing usually seems harmless. But if distraction is a common enough theme, disengagement evolves into disconnection. The thing about distraction is that it’s never as harmless as it seems. It’s actually a subtle form of disrespect. When I’m consistently distracted during conversations, I am functionally saying to my spouse, “This other thing is more important than you.” Few would say that with their words, but actions and body language speak truth as clearly.
Another enemy of listening is interruption. Interrupting inhibits listening and stops dialogue in its tracks. I hate to admit it, but I interrupt way too much. My excitement or ability to relate takes over, I begin thinking about what I want to say, and then—poof—interruption. Then Ryan forgets his thought and usually gets annoyed. I don’t do it intentionally, but I’ve come to realize that I interrupt because I don’t really want to know what Ryan is going to say. I either assume I know where he’s going, I stop caring about it (he explains things with too much detail sometimes), or I get too eager to say what I’m thinking. Regardless of my reasons for interrupting, I really want Ryan to know he is loved, and one way I can show him is by listening.
Remember, we have direct lines to each other’s hearts. When we fail to listen to each other, we fail to respect each other. Listening is an active opening of our hearts and minds, and in that it’s an act of generosity. Communication is impossible without our intentional attention to one another. So shove distractions aside, keep interruptions at bay, and seek to understand before being understood.
2. Be Slow to Speak
Admittedly, too many of my quick nagging looks or remarks (as in the case of the stinky fish garbage) have escaped me. I failed to mention that while Ryan wasn’t taking out the garbage, I was downstairs stewing. Stewing about the list in my mind that justified why I should not have to take out the garbage. Ryan often teases me about how articulate I can be when I’m angry. I’m quick to break out the full arsenal of sharp words, short responses, the coldest of shoulders, and of course, every wife’s secret weapon: the look. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and if I’m feeling something (anger), it’s hard for me not to act on it. Needless to say, being slow to speak is a hard thing for me. Too many times I sit there “listening” to Ryan, but in my mind I’m thinking about what I need to say.
Being slow to speak means putting our words through another filter, the filter of time. I may not have said anything aloud to Ryan, but I communicated a lot through my look. I failed to listen and hear all of Ryan, which made me quick to judge and communicate my prideful and selfish sense of injustice rather than love and grace. James 3:4–5 reminds me of the power of the tongue and the importance of being slow to speak:
Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.
How we listen is crucial, but so is how we speak. Wise talking is knowing when to speak as much as when to pause. I’m a verbal processor and I have no trouble putting words out there—especially when I feel passionately. The downside is that though my words are plentiful, they’re not always productive. They can be said in haste and convey meaning I don’t intend.
Ryan, however, isn’t a natural talker. He’s always been an internal processor. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been talking to him and he says nothing in spots where I implicitly expect his feedback. After about ten minutes of what feels like a one-way conversation, I’ll ask him, “Are you even listening to me?” Knowing how this frustrates me, he’ll usually respond with, “Sorry, I’ve been responding to you in my head. Here’s what I’m thinking . . .” We can both improve on speaking intentionally, for entirely different reasons.
I want so badly to be heard and understood, but sometimes I can’t articulate exactly what I’m feeling in the moment so I’ll just start throwing sentences out there. I’ve realized that I need time to pause and rest before speaking. I need time to process my response. Perhaps that’s what James is talking about. He is saying that we must remain levelheaded and intentional in how we interact with each other. It is good to pause and think things through! How many times have you gotten yourself into trouble by reacting too quickly? Personally, I’ve lost count. But I’m learning.
Being “slow to speak” isn’t the same as saying “don’t ever speak.” This is where internal processors can learn to improve. Marriage involves lots and lots of dialogue. If one of you is inclined to few words, this can default to too little communication and make life difficult for the other person. Steady discourse between both spouses is crucial to connection. If you’re the quiet one, learn to express how you’re feeling and thinking. Doing so gives your spouse two opportunities: to know you more deeply and to help you through his or her gifts. Ryan has said many times, “Why didn’t I ask for your input sooner? I could have saved weeks!” In marriage, both husband and wife bring different, complementary perspectives and spiritual gifts. By engaging in intentional conversation (even when it seems unnatural), you acknowledge your need for each other’s help.
3. Be Slow to Anger
One evening we were driving home from our community group (church small group), and I was in a mood. Ryan and I were arguing about something he had said to me in front of people. It had made me feel embarrassed, though in reality it wasn’t awkward or weird at all. I was mad as a hornet and his response revealed undealt-with sin in my heart. In his patient and loving way, he said, “You know you don’t have to respond out of anger? There are other ways you can respond, even if you are angry.” Ugh, he was right. My angry response came from my short fuse. Being slow to anger lengthens the fuse and allows me to process my feelings and the motivations behind them. In other words, by being slow to anger I am producing the righteousness of God and living out his will for me. I am loving Ryan. When I am slow to become angry I am ultimately showing my husband covenant love and I am trusting God’s Word beyond my own feelings.
4. Put Away All Filthiness and Rampant Wickedness
This phrase tells me to get rid of my short-fused, cold-shoulder-giving, sassy, cutting remarks. It’s not always easy for me to respond slowly and edit what I say. Nor is it easy to respond obediently to God’s Word rather than from my own feelings. But praise God, he is sanctifying me and showing me how to live.
Instead I am to “receive with meekness the implanted Word which is able to save your souls” (1:21, emphasis added). When I humbly and gently receive God’s Word as my authority and instruction, I am recognizing his sovereignty in my life.
Finally, James tells me to be a doer of the Word and not only a hearer. Doing the Word means honest and loving communication. It’s responding from what I heard in my slow-to-anger moment—be patient and kind. Endure the hard conversations and speak intentionally.
With intentionality comes honesty, but fear not, my friends! Being secure in Christ and fiercely devoted to your covenant frees you to be transparent with each other. This is especially true when you know the issue at hand is messy and tough. Because of Jesus, you don’t need to avoid hard conversations, and with his help you can speak truth in love (Eph. 4:15). Truth is always the most loving thing you can share, but how you say it can sometimes be less than loving. Truth always builds up, but take care not to let the messenger (you, your tone) get in the way. Paul writes:
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Eph. 4:29)
There are times when Ryan puts my whole being at ease through his understanding of Scripture and his understanding of me. With patience and kindness, he points me back to Jesus, where I can find all that I need. My affection for Jesus strengthens, and my love for Ryan grows. Thankfully, Ryan will attest that these roles are often reversed in our marriage. He, too, needs help, and by God’s grace I’m able to provide it.
The Wisdom in When
Knowing when to communicate is vital to facilitating great conversation. Just as we must be intentional in listening and speaking, we also must be able to choose right timing. Certain topics tend to be loaded: finances, sex, in-laws, and daily chores are a few areas that cause tension for us. Maybe you agree? It’s taken Ryan and me years of arguments to finally realize that not all timing is created equal. A valuable proverb says,
A person finds joy in giving an apt reply—
and how good is a timely word! (Prov. 15:23 NIV)
The ESV translation says it like this: “a word in season, how good it is!” Just as some trees will not bear fruit out of season, certain conversations are unproductive at the wrong time. Having good timing cannot be overemphasized when dealing with sensitive or frustrating topics in marriage. As Ryan mentioned, you have direct access to each other’s hearts, and when your timing is off, you’re more likely to miss or misread signals and have your communication corrupted by your sinful natures.
We’ve discovered that good timing helps communication in two ways, each depending on the nature of the conversation to be had. First, it’s always a good time to repent and reconnect if you’re distant. If and when Ryan and I have a fight—big or small—we try our best to resolve it quickly and efficiently. Over the years we have become faster at fighting. This involves a ton of swallowing anger and pride, but it’s always worth the pain. God’s instruction to do this is for our own good. Small offenses left unresolved have a tendency to fester. Harboring bitterness and resentment is costly.
The second way good timing helps our communication is by ensuring we both have the space in our hearts, minds, and time to deal with heavier problems. We’ve found it immensely helpful to make “talk dates” with each other. Ryan has often said to me in the morning, “Can we talk tonight? I have something I need to talk to you about.” I’m always happy but slightly nervous to oblige. I’ll ask him, “What’s it about?” He usually gives me a rough idea—but not always. It depends on the topic. Either way, knowing that he has something on his heart he wants to share helps me prepare my own. We earmark the time (usually within twenty-four hours of one of us bringing something up) and I can approach it with the mental and emotional readiness needed to be fully engaged. This doesn’t guarantee an easier conversation, but it does promise to make it healthier. More importantly, knowing ahead of time gives me a chance to pray and ask the Holy Spirit to work in our hearts and guide our talk.
Life is busy, messy, and downright intense at times, so we won’t always have the perfect moment for perfectly clear communication. Faithful communication with God is irreplaceable for good communication in marriage. Spending time in Scripture (listening) and in prayer (talking) connects us to God. It gets his Word hidden in our hearts, so when the time comes to talk about the big and small stuff in life, we can do so out of his truth, wisdom (James 1:5), peace (John 14:27), and assurance (Heb. 10:22).
Since you have been raised with Christ (Col. 3:1), fix your focus on God’s higher ways. Even when emotions are high and communication proves difficult, you can rest secure in Christ, choose wisdom, and give grace. You are abundantly free to love through how you listen and speak. So keep talking to each other through the hard times! Tough conversations are often diffused by simply being quick to listen and slow to speak with right timing. Keep dialogue going and stay engaged. With Christ you will work through every communication breakdown.
In marriage, the goal of communicating is relational intimacy and the goal of talking through conflict is always reconciliation, not retaliation. In the instance of the stinky fish garbage I was plotting retaliation, stewing about the injustice of the situation. I very much want justice and equality in everything, which makes reconciliation less appealing to me. But retaliation is never productive. It never brings us closer or moves us forward in our relationship. At best, it stalls us where we are, and at worst, it takes us backward.
Retaliation is always selfish, but reconciliation is a steady marker of covenant love. Reconciliation is intimate. It’s not hidden, necessarily, but always private. It is one-on-one. As married people in a communication funk, we can only realign our hearts and restore our friendship by dealing with the issue at hand, repenting, and forgiving. We must talk, listen, and respond in word and action. That communication process is intimate, it’s face-to-face, and it’s exclusive.
As Jesus instructed, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother” (Matt. 18:15). Jesus’s language is interesting here. He says to tell him (speak clearly), between you and him alone (in privacy), and if he listens (responds), you have gained your brother (you have been reconciled). Jesus is saying that talking and listening are necessary when someone is sinned against. We need to hash it out, and if both parties engage with each other we will reestablish our bond—we will be reconciled. It isn’t always easy to be reconciled in the moment, and sometimes it’s very painful. But despite every communication difficulty, reconciliation is the only loving way forward. Take hope, my friends, for there is a deep joy to be experienced in reconciliation. It’s a level of love and affection reserved for you and your spouse to share because of your covenant.
Never Stop Exploring
RYAN
Selena has covered how to work through communication breakdowns, but there’s another—perhaps more common—communication pitfall many couples face: losing curiosity.
Pamela and James had the best kind of start to their relationship. They began as work friends, but over time it blossomed into more as they spoke and listened to each other with genuine curiosity. Their desire to deeply know one another compelled them to study and learn even the smallest details about each other. Their early friendship proved to be a solid foundation for their courtship. Eventually they got married, bought a house, had two kids, and settled in for a long, happy life together—all with their trademark enthusiasm. Over time, however, their curiosity waned. They became complacent with each other and preoccupied with their careers. Their communication suffered as they grew further and further apart until, finally, their friendship was completely cold. It took reaching the brink of divorce for them to realize that their marriage couldn’t survive without friendship, and their friendship required intentional, curious communication—the kind that brought them together in the first place. It wasn’t easy, but in time they relearned how to be constant studiers of each other, how to stay curious, and how to be genuine friends.
C. S. Lewis wrote in The Four Loves, “Friendship is . . . the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.”1 If your friendship is the instrument—the tool—used to be utterly known to each other, your communication determines how often you wield it. Healthy marriages are based on healthy friendships, and healthy friendships always include intentional communication. Selena and I have found the same to be true for us. When our communication falters, our friendship suffers and so does our marriage.
Take a moment and think about when you first met. You likely began as friends, and as your friendship grew, your affection grew. You spent more and more time together exploring the depths of your personalities, interests, desires, and faith. At some point you decided you knew (and enjoyed) enough about each other that you wanted to spend your lives together. It was an exciting pursuit, filled with the desire to deepen your bond of friendship to the point of promising to spend your lives together. What a remarkable thing to recall!
Sadly, many marriages stagnate because couples stop exploring each other. They stop actively investigating, learning, and pursuing. Why is that a common tendency? Familiarity makes us lax, and routines, habits, tiredness, and general lack of creativity or skill are all contributors to poor communication. But you have a lifetime to discover each other, and discoveries are always rife with anticipation and excitement. You need only persist down your path of friendship!
If a couple spends two years dating and fifty years married, it stands to reason that they have much more to discover about each other within marriage than not. That’s the wonder of communication: it is a skill and a tool useful for exploring another person’s heart. And, of course, within marriage there are no bounds to what you can find; there’s no limit to where your friendship can go.
Friendship is rewarding, but here’s the bottom line: intentional communication takes work. Both of you must be engaged and willing to speak honestly, with energy and eagerness to discover what’s around the next bend. The best way to find out new information is easy: just ask.
We’re big fans of unusual and probing conversation starters. Questions like, “Who would you most (or least) enjoy being stuck in an elevator with?” and “If time froze for everyone but you for one day, what would you do?” offer interesting ways to gain new glimpses into your spouse’s personality, interests, and passions. We also like to ask the same simple series of questions at the dinner table each night (we ask our kids as well; their answers are always illuminating and often hilarious): What was the best part of your day? What was the worst? Why? Conversation starters like these are simple tools that help spur intentional communication.
Intentionality also has to do with setting the stage (appropriate timing and atmosphere) for whatever you’re hoping to discuss. But it doesn’t happen automatically. You must purpose to break and make habits and routines in the name of friendship.
Of course, nothing is more valuable than knowing what God is doing in each other’s heart. Ask each other questions aimed at rooting out where you both are spiritually. What have you been learning in God’s Word? How does it help you understand the gospel more clearly? Has the Holy Spirit been convicting you of sin or disbelief? In what areas, and why? How is your personal prayer life?
Asking intentional questions is the quickest way toward purposeful conversation. Remember, you don’t want your spouse to feel like they’re being interrogated, so be wise with your timing and tone.
Finally, rest, have fun, and laugh together. Laughter is a common component of every friendship. It sprouts happiness and lightens the heart. Don’t take yourselves too seriously. Remember, God is in control. Jesus secured your identity and salvation on the cross. Every breath is an extraordinary gift from the God of the universe. He is sovereign, so you don’t have to be. There is nothing you can’t talk through with Christ as the center of your marriage. Rest easy in his endless supply of grace and love. Weep as often as you need, encourage and explore each other, laugh as much as you can, and enjoy God’s gracious gift of communication in your marriage.
FOR REFLECTION