Gaining Agreement and Creating Vision for Your Finances
I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God’s hands, that I still possess.
Martin Luther
It was a cool night on our apartment patio when God and I had our reckoning. Selena and I had just moved to sunny Southern California to start a business, and the process had left us strapped for cash. We had nothing—or so I felt. In fact, we had less than nothing; debt and bills piled high and our income was far less than we needed to cover them. That’s why I sat outside complaining to God. No exaggeration: we had twenty-three dollars in our bank account, rent was due the next day, and our car payment was due shortly after. I was afraid and mad at God.
Not only were we financially exhausted but our emotions were in tatters. We were both college-educated, we worked hard, and we had left good jobs back home—for what? For this? The American Dream felt like a nightmare. I felt demoralized and emasculated because I couldn’t provide for my bride. We argued about money and our lack. I’d often spend long hours working through the night to make deadlines in hopes that my clients would pay me in time to cover next month’s bills. Our communication suffered as I buried myself in my work. Selena found respite at a local riding facility where she could have community and enjoy some equestrian therapy. Things were not good in our marriage.
That evening I sat outside (as I often do) deep in thought, watching the trees sway in the breeze. My stomach was in knots as I anxiously considered ways to make ends meet. This wasn’t the first time we’d been on the brink of financial ruin, nor would it be our last. But it was, by God’s grace, the last time I worried hopelessly about our finances.
God is forever faithful. He speaks to us in ways we will hear him best. I didn’t hear God’s audible voice, but it was clearer than if he were sitting right next to me. Like a father speaking to a toddler, God got down on my level and injected my heart with peace in a way I could finally understand: You are not your provider, I am. My stress began to lift. It doesn’t matter how hard you work, how skilled or clever you are, or how much you stress about money—you are not your own provider. I am.
Suddenly the gorilla on my back disappeared. I felt light and free, utterly resigned to trusting God. My fists unclenched and the blood drained from my hands. My anxiety turned to joy, my fear to faith. I finally began to understand what it means to trust in Jehovah-Jireh—“the LORD will provide.”
Did we get a letter from the credit card company erasing our debt? Nope! Did God provide in his perfect timing so we could diligently and wisely pay back what we owed? Absolutely. Did we learn how to trust him and have peace in the storm? In ways we never imagined. That night God began the process of prying my fingers off our money. Even today, when I begin to put too much of my security in our bank balance and my grip begins to tighten, God always lovingly—sometimes painfully—reminds me that I am not our provider, he is.
That was one of the most pivotal moments in my life as a husband, and because of that, in our marriage. It marks the start of our journey of learning about biblical stewardship and understanding what it means to truly believe that God is who he says he is: King of all, our Provider, and our Giver of Peace.
Money is consistently cited as a leading cause of stress in marriage and discord between spouses. If you haven’t felt it yet, you probably will. If you have felt it, it’s important to understand the root sources of financial stress and equip yourselves with tools to deal with them.
One would think that financial stress would closely correlate to particular life phases. We expect to be a little more strapped for cash when we’re young and poor, but we also expect life to get easier later on, when we’re more established and earning a higher income. However, the data proves otherwise. In 2010, the American Psychological Association (APA) performed a study on stress that revealed 76 percent of people across all generations are anxious about money. Financial stress seems perpetual, regardless of how established you are. “Enough” money is never enough to buy peace, or at least that’s what the study suggests.
The APA discovery runs contrary to everything modern consumerism teaches us to believe: “If you work hard, earn enough, buy the right things, and put money away, you will be happy.” This is anecdotally true as well. How many times have you heard stories of unhappy wealthy people? As the saying goes, “You can’t buy happiness,” or in slightly more modern phrasing, “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.”
It’s easy to read those words and heartily agree. But do we live it functionally? I would argue that if you’re perpetually stressed about finances—if it’s an ongoing source of marital strife—you’re buying the lie that money satisfies on some level. That’s not meant to make you feel guilty; God knows it’s a constant struggle in our household! We can all find room for growth and deeper trust in God when it comes to money.
Financial Stressors in Marriage
The reasons for nonstop financial stress are numerous. Spending habits, life choices, fear, and external factors like the job market, inflation, or life hardships can all play a role. We often overestimate how much control we have over our financial well-being. Even a “secure” job can be suddenly lost for unforeseen reasons. One tragic accident or sickness can drain your entire savings account overnight and send you reeling into medical debt and financial chaos.
If we find our identity and security in our bank balance, we risk losing both.
One common reason married couples experience perpetual financial stress is unchecked consumerism and comparison. This leads to “lifestyle inflation.” The concept is simple: when we have more, we spend more—we want more. Instead of reaching a certain lifestyle and being content, we tend to look to the next best thing: a nicer house, a newer car, a fancier set of appliances—you name it.
If we are consumers, we purchase new products because of their perceived benefits (whether the benefits are true or not). If we’re comparers, we buy things to keep up with trends, friends, or societal expectations. There is always something newer, nicer, or fancier to buy; that is never going to change. What can change, however, is the human heart.
We can’t control what happens to us or culture’s pressure toward consumerism. We can only employ wise money management principles and choose to put our identity, worth, and security in Christ alone. The former will affect our financial decision making and the latter our peace and joy.
The One Perspective That Changes Everything
As a married couple, your chief aim should be to align your view of money with God’s, and to be completely unified in doing so. God has an opinion about your finances. He also wants your eternal best. The more you place your trust in him, the greater your freedom and the more your marriage will flourish.
So, what is God’s view of money? What is its purpose in your life? In the world? And finally, how can you and your spouse find agreement in such a contentious area? As I mentioned above, God lovingly began to help me understand biblical stewardship that night on our patio.
Biblical stewardship is the idea that God owns everything, and what we do “possess” in this life is that which is temporarily entrusted into our care. What we have is never truly ours to own—we are called to be stewards. As the psalmist writes, “The earth is the LORD’s and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein” (Ps. 24:1). Even in one of the first commands given to Adam and Eve in the garden they were instructed to “subdue” the earth—to care for the creation in which God placed them. They were granted authority but not ownership.
When we relinquish ownership and embrace our roles as commissioned stewards, our grip loosens from around our finances and freedom overwhelms our souls. For the steward, everything in life is a gift of inexhaustible grace. Secure in God’s abundance, we are freed to live openhanded lives and place our full trust in his sovereignty. God can give and God can take away, but the steward’s posture of worship never changes.
When we were struggling to scrape by and I started embracing my role as a steward, my attitude toward work shifted. Instead of anxiously striving I worked with joy, knowing that God was ultimately in control of providing more clients and projects. Whatever work I did have to do (what little it was), I saw as an opportunity to honor God—to work hard for his glory instead of mine.
He promised he would provide for our every need according to his plan and purposes (Phil. 4:19). Did I actually believe him? When we worry deeply in our hearts—as evidenced through constant financial stress—we’re disbelieving God’s promise.
I find it comforting that Jesus’s disciples worried too. But it’s even more comforting to know that his loving correction of them also applies to us today:
And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you. (Luke 12:29–31)
Jesus knew money would be a constant struggle in the hearts of believers. Of his thirty-eight parables, sixteen are about possessions and money. In the four gospels, 288 verses directly deal with the topic. In the whole of the Bible, five hundred verses address prayer, fewer than five hundred verses talk about faith, and more than two thousand verses are on money or possessions. When Scripture places such a strong emphasis on any one topic, we’d better perk up our ears and listen!
Do You Love Money?
One of the most often quoted passages about money is 1 Timothy 6:10: “For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.” Money is not intrinsically evil; loving it is. It is evil to become emotionally entangled with it, to trust it, and to overvalue it. Augustine of Hippo called all sin “disordered love.” Loving money—or anything—more than Jesus is sin, and will create chaos in your marriage.
It’s not always easy to know or admit when we “love” money; most people don’t consciously place their identity or security in it. Few are blatantly greedy or money-grubbing. The real-life love of money is usually subtle and oftentimes harmless to your day-to-day existence. That’s precisely why God can use your marriage and the financial stress between you and your spouse to diagnose—and treat—sickness in your heart as he lovingly reminds you of his sovereignty.
Take a moment and ask yourself these questions:
Whatever your source of financial stress, the root cause is always an underlying disbelief or dissatisfaction in Jesus.
That is why every financial fight is an opportunity to remind each other of the gospel—that Christ is enough and God will provide every good thing you need. The gospel must be your baseline—your common pursuit. Instead of reacting negatively and escalating whatever financial issue you’re dealing with, you can remind yourself and your spouse of God’s promises and your greater purpose in his kingdom. Doing so dethrones money and releases its stronghold. It diminishes as Christ increases. Jesus again becomes the chief goal, cause, and pursuit in your lives, while money is simply a tool to be used for his glory.
Selena’s Discovery
SELENA
When Ryan and I got married, he knew how much I loved horses. He’s grown much more savvy about the equestrian disciplines I love most. He even has his favorite Olympic showjumping horse and rider combination. As a kid, I remember the first time I saw an equestrian competition on TV. I just knew I had to ride and jump big beautiful horses. From then on, I asked for riding lessons, riding clothes, and time at the barn. I did anything I could to ride; I cleaned tack, cleaned stalls, groomed horses—whatever would get me on the back of a horse. Riding became a big part of my life and eventually my identity.
In the first five years of our marriage Ryan agreed to let me purchase my first horse: my first horse. It was a dream come true. I was always proud to talk about my horse, about our training, lessons, shows, and so on. Once I got my first “real” job where I made “real” money, all my horse dreams began coming true. But it was at the expense of my marriage, my relationship with God, and my identity. Losing myself in the world of horses provided me with only temporary happiness and contentment.
Before we moved out of Washington, Ryan was spending more than twenty hours a week volunteering at church, so I would go to the barn after work.At the time it seemed normal to be away from each other so much. We were only a few years into it and naïvely thought we were doing everything God wanted. But we couldn’t help wonder why this path we were on felt so alone, burdensome, and empty.
Before moving to Southern California, we sold my horse, rented out our house, and took a minimalistic approach to life—we could fit only a small amount into the back of our tiny U-Haul trailer. It was more expensive to ride in California, so I did the next best thing and photographed riders and horses. I became a professional equestrian photographer for magazines and traveled around the country to get “the story” or to have my name next to those photos or on the cover of that magazine—the cost didn’t matter. All that mattered was that I purchased whatever I needed when I needed it. New and now is how I wanted it, and the price tag was a menial distraction. My identity depended on my being at the next major equestrian event. I felt like less of a person if I turned down a job. I would stress if I wasn’t overloaded with clients to shoot for. Needless to say, I became a slave to this idol because if it failed, I would be a failure. Or so I thought.
All of this put tension on our marriage. I’d constantly argue with Ryan about why I needed to buy this lens or go to that event. We spent weeks apart. He was the brake pedal and I was a lead-footed gas masher. My identity was rooted in horses, competition, and expensive photography gear—all good things gone bad. They dethroned God in my heart. My marriage was suffering, our finances looked bleak, and I constantly felt the heaviness of it all. I wasn’t swimming; I was simply trying not to drown.
But God is good, faithful, ridiculously patient, and unconditionally loving. After we had our first daughter, Dela, my heart was pulled in two different directions. A big horse show was just around the corner and my baby was three months old. I struggled to balance mom life and my job. I had assignments lined up. I can do this, I thought. Dela had other plans. I quickly discovered something had to give—and it wouldn’t be my baby girl.
Stepping away from photography was slow and painful, but absolutely necessary. After about a year of my walking away, turning down assignments, and giving jobs to other photographer friends, God transformed and renewed my heart. He showed me just how much he is our provider and the only one we should find our identity in. His unfailing love changed my heart and perspective toward our finances. It was right about then that Proverbs 31 took on a whole new meaning for me. Its verses painted a picture of the wife I wanted to be and could be because of who Jesus is. More specifically, I saw the verses about how she worked in her home and how she dealt with finances. She handled them in a way that flowed from security and strength, not fear or lack. My heart longed to be that wife, the one my husband trusts, the one who considers a field and buys it (v. 16), the one who opens her hand to the poor (v. 20). The one who does not fear snow because her household is clothed in scarlet (v. 21). This is the wife I knew God intended me to be.
However, becoming a godly wife in the area of finance meant relinquishing control and understanding that I am a steward of this life, and more specifically, my marriage. It took me years to understand and rest securely in the fact that I already had everything I needed in the person and work of Jesus Christ. As God grew my faith, my confidence and security now came from him and not the bottom line of our checkbook or the next event I was supposed to photograph. The more God entrusted to us, the more I wanted to steward it well. I wanted Ryan to trust me to not do him harm in this area. He’s not just the bill payer, he’s my husband, and I want his heart to rest in the fact that I’m also using wisdom and discernment.
Our money is not a tool to prove how great we are or how well we’re doing financially. And it’s not a way to get meaning in life as I once thought. Everything in our care belongs to God; we are called to act as glad stewards. This single heart change has exponentially increased our joy, relaxed our anxiety, and unified our efforts as a married couple.
Will we own a horse again? Maybe one day. Do I still do photography? Absolutely, but mostly for fun and for close friends and family. This is how I steward these areas well in our current state of life and I could not be more grateful.
RYAN
For Selena and me, nothing has brought greater clarity to how we manage our money than biblical stewardship. We’ve briefly covered its principles, so how should you apply them? It’s tempting to be too prescriptive, and I want to avoid that. What works for one couple may not work for another. There are countless ways to apply gospel priorities, godly wisdom, and biblical stewardship to your finances. How you do it is ultimately between you, your spouse, and God.
With that said, I want to be transparent and share what has worked for us. At the very least, I hope our example provides a sense of stewardship in real life. At the most, you may find an idea or two to help you in your own journey as faithful stewards.
At this point you may feel compelled to create a budget if you haven’t done so already. While budgets are good, they only outline how you will spend your money. Knowing how will accomplish little to battle financial stress unless you’re clear and in agreement about why. Before you create a budget, you need a vision.
The first step in creating a financial vision is to have a candid conversation. You may not realize how different your views of money are. One of you may be a natural saver and the other a natural spender. If one of you grew up in relative poverty and the other with plenty, you will disagree on what is “necessary” and what isn’t. Discuss your upbringing, how your parents handled money, and how it may have shaped your views today.
Pray together for sensitivity toward the Holy Spirit and God’s Word, then dive into Scripture. Find out what God says about provision. Here’s a start:
Lock these verses (and others like them) away in your hearts and allow the authority of Scripture to bear weight in your life—internalize it. Take time to list passages that remind you of God’s promises to provide. These will be touchstones for future reference—your timely reminders—when you feel financial stress creeping in. Next, list passages about handling abundance. How are you called to be generous? This list will provide the absolute standard for the purposes of money and practices of wise stewardship.
Finally, write down principles in your own words that will guide your financial activity. They may prove difficult to articulate at first, but just start writing. Pray and listen for the Holy Spirit to prompt you. If it helps, you can start each statement with “As stewards, we are called to . . .”
Include statements that speak to your current situation. If you often argue about money, articulate how you’re called to peace. If you tend to make unwise purchases or overspend, include wisdom and self-control in your principles. Be honest with yourselves, and refer back to your two lists of passages for guidance.
When Is Enough, Enough? Our Two-Budget Approach
With your vision in hand, you can now create a budget. For many, this is an obvious practice, and you’ve already done the work. For Selena and me, not so much. We didn’t figure out an effective budgeting method until over a decade into our marriage. We’ve since devised a modified system that works for us. I encourage you use the same discretion. Avoid getting bogged down trying to adopt a tool that won’t work. The goal is to find a way forward, even if it’s a little unconventional. Ours is done with good old-fashioned pen and paper. (Check out our website for budgeting resources and good books on family finance.)
We’ve created two separate budgets: one for our current financial situation and another for our “ideal” scenario sometime in the future. We call them our “functional budget” and our “future budget.”
The Functional Budget
Our functional budget includes categories of monthly expenses: rent/mortgage, food, transportation (car payment, auto insurance, fuel), utilities, insurance, fun, and so on. We know with pretty good accuracy how much we should be spending in each area so we don’t overextend ourselves. We’ve also included margin for unforeseen expenses like replacing a windshield or an urgent home repair. Even though we don’t keep a close eye on every penny, we know pretty quickly if we’re approaching our limit in any of the categories. If you don’t have a functional budget, I definitely recommend you create one and use it as a tool for wise money management in your marriage.
The problem with functional (traditional) budgets is that they can contribute to the “lifestyle inflation” described earlier. As your income increases, your margin—the extra—will do the same. If you’re like us, you have lots of nonessential desires that can soak up those additional funds if you let them. If you fail to remind yourselves of your purpose and identity in light of the gospel, you can fall into consumerism or comparison, which will lead to unwise decision making and bad stewardship. For example, an extra three hundred dollars each month could suddenly represent the payment on that car you’ve been looking at—even if there is nothing wrong with the car(s) you already own! If you’re not careful, this cycle will repeat without end. Every pay bump or expense decrease is quickly swallowed up by more spending.
I’m not saying that upgrading your car (or home, or anything else) is intrinsically wrong, only that the decision to do so should be deliberate and strategic—made on purpose, for a purpose, and always in light of gospel priorities. This is where your “future budget” is vital. It serves one simple function in your life: to define enough.
The Future Budget
Our future budget is part of our family vision, which describes our mission and calling to reach people with the message of the gospel. The critical question we asked was, “What is the optimal budget for the area we’re called to and the people we’re called to reach?” This helped us identify an eventual cap for our life expenses and curb unwise lifestyle inflation. It helps us clearly answer the question, “How much is enough?”
Our future budget changes as God sanctifies us (aligns our hearts more with Christ’s) and our calling becomes clearer. As a habit, we review and revise it before every major life change and at the end of each year. Doing so helps us to be as generous as possible while also exercising wisdom in saving for future events.
If ever we reach our future budget, we are freed to give everything else away instead of amassing a pile of cash by default. Saving, while good, can become an idol if we’re not careful, especially if fear is our underlying motivation. What if giving, instead of saving, became your primary financial goal? What if you could give half or even 90 percent of your income away? A future budget can help you identify if or when that might be possible and appropriate.
Getting Even More Practical—Stewarding as One
It’s one thing to establish a vision; it’s another to implement it. Your vision and budgets began with a candid conversation and should continue the same way.
When Selena and I were first married, we had no vision. We had no budget. We had no clue about biblical stewardship or how to actively seek agreement in our finances. Our spending was sporadic and often unguided. Paying bills felt like a fire drill. We lived hand-to-mouth and thought it was normal. This was partly because we were both full-time students working low-paying jobs, but it was also due to our youthful ignorance.
Thankfully, God used our naïveté to teach us many valuable lessons. I often wish we could have learned them an easier way! Thus, here are a few practical things we’ve learned in our journey toward stewarding “as one.”
One mark of the faithful steward is a radically generous heart. Consider the apostle Paul’s words to believers in Corinth:
The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. (2 Cor. 9:6–8)
Notice the emphasis Paul places on the attitude of the heart. He doesn’t prescribe an amount or percentage. How much we give is not important to God. He cares about our hearts. We are called to give sacrificially (you should feel its impact in your own life) in response to the gospel for the perpetuation of the gospel.
As a couple, discuss how you are called to give. It might be a set amount each month, a percentage of your income, or a mix of the two. Whatever you decide in your hearts to give should be given faithfully, sacrificially, and cheerfully.
Paul continues with an apt reminder to believers:
He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness. You will be enriched in every way to be generous in every way, which through us will produce thanksgiving to God. (vv. 10–11)
Giving sacrificially builds reliance on God and multiplies the harvest of your righteousness. It doesn’t multiply your righteousness itself but rather its harvest—the fruit of your life as a new creation and someone already adopted into God’s eternal family.
Take time to pray together. Decide in your hearts how you will give. Challenge each other to be generous, sacrificial, and cheerful. Seek agreement in this area. If you or your spouse find it impossible to give in such a way, turn to Jesus and ask God to transform your hearts.
The Bible doesn’t explicitly tell couples to share bank accounts, and most secular financial experts will advise you to keep them separate. Is there a “right” way? Not definitively—but I do think there is a wise way. Joining accounts can be a beautiful representation of your trust, unity, and commitment as husband and wife. It’s not a primary issue in the Christian life, but I do believe it’s an important one for your marriage.
When you and your spouse become “one flesh,” everything changes. You are utterly and completely merged. Your individuality remains to an extent, but your existence is no longer exclusive to yourselves; it’s inclusive of one another. There is a beautiful mingling of hearts, souls, and bodies that only happens in marriage. How much more should your finances be comingled?
Despite our many mistakes, merging accounts was one of the first things we did after our honeymoon. I’m so glad we did. Our paychecks (and our expenses) were no longer ours individually but ours as a couple. From that moment on we earned, saved, gave, and spent as a single unit—as a family.
Many couples have written to us asking for the “right approach.” As I mentioned, Scripture doesn’t give a definitive answer. However, I do believe wisdom and the desire for unity make the decision clear. Here’s why: keeping separate accounts can divide more than your finances. “My money” and “your money” can create an imbalance of financial control that may lead to unhealthy leverage over the spouse who earns less. Separate bank statements can lead to secrecy in spending. Finally, splitting bills (such as rent and utilities) is against the spirit of selflessness and unity in marriage (not to mention the logistical headaches it can cause).
It’s up to you to decide whether or not you will share accounts in your marriage. We recommend you do.
Creating Conversation Thresholds (Making Hard Talks Easier)
One way to balance freedom and trust is to establish spending thresholds as conversation triggers. For instance, Selena and I have a pre-established amount that neither of us will spend without talking about it first. It’s high enough to grant individual freedom and discretion but low enough to allow active conversation about spending beyond our normal budget.
This principle applies to our giving as well. Many times, one of us will feel a particular burden to help a friend, family member, cause, or organization. Discussing our discretionary giving (that which is beyond our tithe) allows us to share in the joy and glad burden of loving our neighbors as Christ has loved us. It also provides us the opportunity to agree in prayer with joined hearts as a family contending for those who need help.
Another important conversation to have is when bills will be paid and which of you will make it happen. Early on in our marriage, Selena made sure our bills were paid on time. After we had kids I took over the responsibility because it made more sense for us. This may seem like an obvious recommendation, but there were many times when our bills were paid late and our credit suffered simply because we each assumed the other took care of it. Work out a system that works for you, then stick to it. If ever an unexpected expense appears that raises concern, discuss it and tackle the problem head-on, together.
Discussing money and stewardship can cause us to feel guilty for material comforts we have in this life. We must reject guilt and replace it with gratitude. It is good and right to enjoy God’s gifts with grateful hearts, because he alone gives them. If a parent gives a gift to his child, he is most honored when that gift is received and enjoyed. In the same way, we are not to reject or feel ashamed for God’s gifts. Instead, we are free to receive. He delights in our delight.
The key to wise and joy-filled stewardship in your marriage is context. All the right choices, plans, and budgets will provide little peace if done outside your greatest calling as followers of Christ: to enjoy God and amplify his glory. Whatever you possess in this life—or rather, whatever has been entrusted to your care—is to be enjoyed as a good and gracious gift from a loving, generous God. When you partake in God’s provision in light of his goodness, your joy becomes limitless and your thanksgiving bountiful.
For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer. (1 Tim. 4:4–5)
Everything you have is a gift from God. Everything. When Jesus is our portion, times of material abundance and times of material lack will always produce gratitude in our hearts. We are tasked as stewards to use what we have—however much or little—for his glory, and that includes enjoying what he has given us! There is no formula, only Jesus and the counsel of the Holy Spirit. In all things, seek agreement with each other. Live wisely, steward diligently, and rest in God’s gracious provision in Christ. As you do, the particulars will become less important, and the peace of God will reign over every area of your marriage—even your finances.
FOR REFLECTION