Experiencing Each Other to the Glory of God
Within the context of covenant love and mutual service, no amount of passion is excessive.
Betsy Ricucci
When I was a young man, my dad gave me two ultimatums: no tattoos and no sex before marriage. As it turned out, his first ultimatum wasn’t very ultimate—my dad, brother, and I got matching tats together—but the second one stuck. He used very colorful language when warning me about sex before marriage. I vaguely remember something about a dull, rusty machete and me joining a monastery. I knew he was exaggerating (I hoped), but he got through to my thick, testosterone-soaked teenage brain. You may call him crazy, but it worked.
I now realize that my dad knew what he was talking about. His perspective was unique. As a counselor, he’s worked tirelessly with countless husbands, wives, and children to salvage their lives—themselves—from the wreckage of misused and misunderstood sexuality. He knows that culture is at fierce odds with God’s model for marriage, sex, and family, and where he watched culture lead, there was often destruction. My dad drew clear boundaries around sex, not out of prudish, arbitrary moralism or to steal my joy but rather because he loved me and wanted to ensure my maximal enjoyment. His kind, albeit overly graphic, warning about sex was rooted in love.
The Power of Sex
Scott and Jennifer went to different colleges, dated plenty, and slept with numerous partners. It wasn’t until their mid-twenties that they heard the gospel and put their faith in Jesus. They eventually met at a church gathering, struck up a relationship, and the rest is history. Though they abstained from sex with one another until their wedding night, they each carried their sexual histories with them into marriage. They both understood and rested in God’s grace over their previous sin, and spiritually they had been made completely new creations (2 Cor. 5:17). However, the emotional and relational consequences of their sexual choices were still a factor in their marriage. Jennifer struggled with intimacy because of negative sexual experiences with a past boyfriend. Scott’s previous sexual encounters and a past pornography addiction skewed his expectations of what Jennifer should do in bed. Their sex life was marked by frustration and pain. Instead of unifying them, their intimacy drove them further apart. By God’s grace they found healing through godly counseling, church community, and prayer, but it took years of hard work.
Would Scott and Jennifer have had a perfect sex life if they had never had sex before marriage? Probably not. However, they’d be the first to tell you that their previous sexual experiences weren’t worth it. The short-term pleasure and “freedom” of sex before marriage came at a far greater cost than either of them imagined. They’re now closer than ever, and they’re thankful for God’s grace in hindsight. However, if given the opportunity, they’d gladly have saved sex for their marriage covenant.
Sex is as good as it is powerful. I’ve come to view sexuality like a sort of atomic force: in its proper place, it binds you together, but when wielded without caution it levels cities and the fallout renders them uninhabitable. We must be careful to understand God’s design for sex and its role in marriage while grasping our cultural context. Sex is a gift and a blessing, but just as with any gift, it must be stewarded with wisdom. When we understand God’s parameters around and purpose for sexuality, our enjoyment is maximized and God’s glory amplified.
Sex and intimacy are unlike any other aspect of your marriage. They are exclusively yours, neither one to be shared nor breached. Sex is the one activity explicitly and exclusively reserved for you and your spouse. It is the physical manifestation of your intimacy on every level. It literally unites your bodies and is a representation of your trust, vulnerability, passion, and generosity toward each other. Sex within marriage is sex as God intended—an expression and reinforcement of your exclusive covenant, purposed for your pleasure and the perpetuation of generations. The institution that contains sex—marriage—is the same one where children are raised, discipled, and equipped to flourish. Finally, sex is a glimpse of the intimacy and unity—the wonder and joy of relationship—experienced in the Trinity and our eventual union with Christ as his Bride. Indeed, sex is good as God designed!
On the flip side, sex wreaks havoc when mishandled or distorted. Some have diminished the scope of the sexual experience to a primarily physical exchange. Pornography is lauded as harmless by its proponents, who argue that no one gets hurt, but research proving the opposite continues to mount. Porn is now widely accepted by researchers as harmful; it’s psychologically, culturally, and physically damaging to everyone involved. The rise of the porn industry has led to exploitation of the weak, the enslavement of the addicted, and a staggering distortion of human sexuality. Oftentimes, the most affected are our children and teens who are trying to find themselves amid the barrage of sexual messaging. Our schools give talks to students about avoiding disease and using contraception. They’re taught to practice safe sex while its emotional impacts are overlooked.
If we’re not watchful, we risk missing the power and potential of sexuality as God designed it. We risk forgoing its full goodness and purpose in exchange for a cheap counterfeit. We risk detaching sex from its greatest joy and deepest purpose whenever we reduce it to a purely physical act. Such reductions are shortsighted and must be rejected. While it is undeniably physical, sex is utterly entangled with every aspect of your being. Your heart, soul, and mind are as much a part of the sexual experience as your body—if not more. Further, your sexual behavior doesn’t only affect you; it affects your spouse and your children in profound ways.
A Note on Grace
You may be feeling the effects of distorted sexuality in your marriage, even if it’s in your distant past. If that’s the case, fear, shame, or dread are likely common guests in your marriage bed. Previous sexual encounters, abuse, addiction, or other perversions of God’s design for sex will inevitably affect your physical intimacy as a married couple, but there’s hope.
There’s always hope.
In Christ, you’re not defined by your past; you’re defined by his perfect life, death, and resurrection. Whatever your history, God is gracious to heal and restore—to extravagantly redeem—sex in your marriage. He wants to define true intimacy in your marriage for your enjoyment and his glory. Sex is a good gift from an exceedingly great God, and when you experience it in his designed context your pleasure will multiply on every level. Read on knowing you are covered in unending grace.
Three Modern Views of Sexuality
Before discussing practical ideas, it’s helpful to understand how culture perceives sexuality. Doing so helps us recognize our own misconceptions and align our hearts with God’s worthy design for sex in marriage. Modern views of sex and personal sexuality are really not modern at all; they’re ancient. Timothy Keller wrote an excellent paper called “The Gospel and Sex” that addresses biblical sexuality by contrasting it with three old paradigms he calls sexual realism, sexual platonism, and sexual romanticism. Remnants of each view exist today, and you may have adopted pieces of each into your own perspective of sex. As we will see, all fall short of the full beauty and purpose of God’s design, and only the Christian view of sex offers the greatest potential for long-lasting purpose, joy, and fulfillment.
Sexual Realism
Sexual realism dates back to Greco-Roman civilization and emphasizes the physicality of sex. To the realist, sexual desire is a natural physical appetite akin to eating or sleeping, and it should be treated as such. “If it feels right, do it” is an apt motto for the sexual realist. Sex is neither good nor bad, it just is. In his paper, Keller references sex education in public schools as an example of sexual realism. Kids are instructed to embrace and explore their sexuality—whatever it may be—just so long as they do so safely. The term “safe sex” originated in response to the HIV/AIDS epidemic of the 1980s. The safe sex movement started with the sole purpose of preventing the spread of disease and has since evolved to include any practice aimed at preventing infection or unwanted pregnancy. A sexual realist’s view emphasizes the physical desire and resulting outcomes of sex but largely ignores its mental, emotional, and spiritual implications.
Sexual Platonism
According to Keller, sexual platonism is at the opposite end of the spectrum and stems from Hellenistic philosophy. While platonists view sex as carnal, like realists, it’s the platonist view that gives carnal its negative connotations. Sex is seen as a crude physical indulgence that detracts from more virtuous pursuits of knowledge, awareness, and spirituality.
Here’s an awkward illustration: my grandma was a sprightly lady, beautiful to her core, and I loved her very much. She often chased my brother and me around her house with a fly swatter because we fought so much. My grandpa passed away when we were very young, so most of our childhood memories with our grandma were while she dated other men. To this day, my brother and I still laugh as we quote her response whenever we asked about her significant others: “It’s platonic!” she would shout with indignation. It was always platonic. It wasn’t until years later that I learned what she meant. She meant they didn’t have sex. (This is so weird to write, by the way.)
Given my grandma’s generation, her response makes perfect sense. Both her indignation and her insistence were sharp indications of how she, along with many church people, viewed or still view sex. For some (Christians included), sex is an inherently sinful—or shameful—endeavor, regardless of context. This mindset is a form of sexual platonism and it likely contributed to the sexual revolution of the 1960s and ’70s, which is characterized by women and men rebelling against perceived sexual repression or traditionally defined sexuality (monogamous heterosexuality, nuclear families). Many Christians struggle with desiring and enjoying sex because they see it as generally bad, which is an unfortunate byproduct of how some church traditions (perhaps unintentionally) adopted and fostered sexual platonism.
Finally, Keller notes that sexual romanticism is the idea that the desire for sex, like all primal instincts, is inherently good and should be indulged—societal restrictions have only stifled maximum human enjoyment and should be rejected. This view is similar to sexual realism except it promises additional personal meaning by finding and experiencing pure, primal urges. Sexual romanticism sees sex as a means for self-actualization and a source of personal fulfillment—a way to be happy in life. Today, this paradigm is evident through oversexualization of popular music, entertainment, and media. Sitcoms and songs idealize men and women who are most in tune with their sexual identities and who act upon their cravings with boldness and candor (inside or outside marriage). One’s sexuality is tightly intertwined with one’s identity, political ideals, and social affiliations—even more so than faith, family, or religion. Sexuality is no longer defined as something you do but as a hardwired part of one’s biological makeup, and therefore it is a fundamental aspect of who one is as a person. Finally, to the sexual romantic, if something is considered natural it is ultimate, good, and to be pursued at any cost.
Each of the above approaches has hints of truth, but none align sufficiently with the biblical perspective of sexuality. None will produce deep, lasting joy as God intended. If we’re to have healthy married sex lives, we must answer a few questions. What is God’s view of sexuality? Why should we mold our view of sexuality according to God’s? The quick answer is for our good and for God’s glory.
As you may have guessed, we’re about to explore the longer version of that answer. To start, extraordinarily fulfilling sex and intimacy in marriage begin with this one simple premise: God designed sex with his purposes, our enjoyment, and his glory in mind.
God’s View of Intimacy and Sex
Sex is good. Intimacy is good. God designed both on purpose. As Christians, we aim to glorify God and mirror Christ in every aspect of life, sex included. Every aspect of sex in marriage should aim to accomplish God’s purposes by being aligned to his design. We do that by acknowledging and amplifying the purposes for which sex was created, in the place where it’s appropriate, and with purity that honors God and each other. As we do, we experience and enjoy the passion of sex on the deepest levels possible.
I could provide platitudes and practical tools to enliven your sex life as a married couple, like “have sex every so often” or “do this and that to have better sex.” I could even share candidly about what’s helped us. The problem with that approach is it probably wouldn’t help you, at least not for long. Every marriage is unique, and blanket to-dos would likely produce anxiety and hinder growth. Instead, I’d like to explore sex’s purpose in your marriage in full light of the gospel and subsequently provide three parameters for glorifying God through sex. The details are best left up to you! If you’re equipped with an accurate biblical understanding of sex, you can apply that wisdom for a lifetime of enjoyment and improvement.
The Purposes of Sex and Intimacy
The first step toward understanding God’s purpose for sex is acknowledging that he made it, and everything God makes is good! Just a few decades ago, such an understanding was revolutionary. Today, you probably agree, so we’ll move right along. (If you don’t agree, keep reading anyway.)
One of the first directives God gave Adam and Eve was to go forth and multiply—to fill the earth (Gen. 1:28). This command, given against the backdrop of all creation, reveals God’s first purpose for sex: procreation. As husband and wife are physically joined during sex, they are literally unified through the miracle of conception. Two completely independent individuals are joined at the molecular level as their DNA combines. We must recall that DNA and the processes of its replication were discovered less than a century ago. Had we written this book in the early 1900s, we couldn’t have appreciated becoming one flesh in the same way. Today, we get to marvel at the wonder and complexity of God’s design for sex and, even more so, how he has graciously allowed us to play a role in co-creating new life.
When a couple has sex, a completely new flesh is created, but more than that, a new soul is conceived. In Genesis 2, God ordains and blesses the man and his wife as they become one flesh. Then, in the next verse they’re “naked and not ashamed,” alluding to the act of sex and the consummation of their marriage without the blemish of sin. When we fulfill God’s command to multiply, we participate in creation and profoundly reflect his image in doing so.
The second purpose of sex is unity. The words “one flesh” used in Genesis were both literal and figurative. Just as through sex DNA strands are merged to create new life, the act of sex spiritually merges husband and wife. As a unified flesh, spouses are commanded to love each other as they would love themselves. The apostle Paul emphasized this profound truth when he instructed the Ephesian church on marriage:
In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church. (Eph. 5:28–29)
Loving each other through the act of sex is a physical representation of the spiritual love, nakedness, and self-sacrifice spouses are called to express. During intimacy, each spouse serves and takes great pleasure in the other. Both give entirely of themselves—naked and unashamed—for the enjoyment of the other and to partake of pleasure.
Your nakedness symbolizes your vulnerability of heart and soul. Just as you love and enjoy each other’s bodies, imperfections and all, you are reminded to love each other’s souls with transparency and joy. Just as you comingle your bodies—your flesh—your souls are comingled. Each spouse’s desire becomes the other’s, their burdens are shared, and their joys are one. When a married couple engages in sex, both spouses are reminded that they are totally exposed, fully known, and still completely loved.
The third and most profound purpose of sex is to point us to the gospel. That might sound like an overspiritualization, but let me explain. Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Sex and the offspring it produces are also declarative. The Hebrew word used for flesh is levasar, which stems from the root word basar. Basar means to bear good tidings or to proclaim good news. When a devoted married couple engages in sex, they are proclaiming and declaring the good news of the gospel to each other, saying to the other, “I love you just as the perfect, eternal God, who fully knows you, your sin, and your flaws, still loves and pursues you despite your imperfections.” It’s a reminder that they’re known, accepted, and loved by each other and, most importantly, by God. If and when children are produced, they also proclaim God’s goodness and grace (Ps. 127:3).
The act of sex—becoming one flesh spiritually, emotionally, and physically—is also a foreshadowing of the church’s ultimate union with God, the final marriage of Christ and his Bride. Timothy Keller writes, “Sex is for fully committed relationships because it is to be a foretaste of the joy that comes from being in complete union with God. The most rapturous love between a man and woman is only a hint of God’s love for us.”1
Paul clearly understood this principle, as shown in his exhortation to the husbands and wives of Ephesus. He even calls it a profound mystery:
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. (Eph. 5:31–32)
When we experience the exclusive, intimate love of another through sex, it is euphoric. Every aspect of our being is involved with the other; we’re physically and emotionally consumed by the selfless, sacrificial, naked act of love that sex represents. It’s hard to imagine complete union with God. It’s too lofty an idea to grasp. If Keller is right, then sex in its right context is perhaps the clearest glimpse of what it will be like to love and receive love from God in perfect union unadulterated by sin.
Sex is packed with purpose. God made it, and it is great. So far we’ve discussed three main purposes of sex, but in what tangible ways do God’s purposes change our behavior? The following passage is a great place to start:
Drink water from your own cistern,
flowing water from your own well.
Should your springs be scattered abroad,
streams of water in the streets?
Let them be for yourself alone,
and not for strangers with you.
Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love. (Prov. 5:15–19)
Solomon urges readers to revere and protect their intimate lives in order to enjoy them to the fullest. The best imaginable sex is available to every married couple because it is only within marriage that one finds the place, passion, and purity necessary for God-blessed sexuality.
The Place for Sex: Drink Water from Your Own Cistern
God desires for us to enjoy sex to the fullest, which is why he designed sex for the exclusivity of marriage. Solomon warns against adultery (or any sex outside marriage) by likening sex to a water source—namely, a cistern and a well. It’s an apt analogy, as sex is meant to be deep and life-giving in its proper context.
To steal from another’s well is a crime, and to spill its water onto the streets is foolish and unsanitary. In ancient cultures like Solomon’s, streets were much more than places for travel and commerce. They were catchall basins for trash, animal waste, human waste, and building runoff. In short, they represented the worst part of a community. It would have been unthinkable to drink water off the street, as it would have led to certain illness or even death. It would have also been unthinkable to squander one’s water supply by dumping it onto the streets. Finally, sharing one’s cistern or well unscrupulously would have contaminated the water. Use by livestock, coupled with washing and cleaning activities, would have deposited bacteria and parasites that would make the water undrinkable.
Within marriage, your sex life—your intimacy—is like a clean, fresh water supply. You own it; it’s yours alone and “not for strangers with you.” You are free to drink from your well and enjoy pure, clean water whenever you desire. Protect your well, enjoy it, and own it wholeheartedly.
How does the exclusivity of marriage—the privacy of your well—help fulfill God’s purposes in your life? I can’t emphasize this enough: sex in marriage is infinitely more than a physical act. It is the deepest possible expression of a spiritual covenant—a lifelong commitment to another soul, consummated by the physical joining of flesh. Solomon later warns us not to “stir up or awaken love before it pleases” (Song of Songs 2:7). To partake in the intimacy of sex without the intimacy of soul is to experience that which isn’t yours. But within the covenant of marriage, you are free to run wild with each other. You are liberated to “drink water from your own cistern” and to “be intoxicated, always in her love.” God doesn’t just tolerate passionate sex; he encourages it! And the primary way God encourages the best possible sex is by lovingly instructing us to keep it within the confines of marriage.
Finally, God’s divine purposes for sex can only be accomplished within the context of biblical covenant between spouses. Through sex, children are created, and within a household founded on covenant, they flourish. Countless studies prove the same. Becoming one flesh physically is fueled by becoming one flesh spiritually. Sex without the lifelong, selfless love of covenant is without purpose; it is selfish. Sex within covenant melds two bodies and souls together in a radical display of intimacy, service, and oneness on every level. Finally, the relentless love of God in the gospel is reflected most when two imperfect individuals submit to and are bound by a covenant that transcends themselves. If sex is a foreshadowing of our forever, perfect unity with Christ as his Bride, then sex’s only appropriate context is a lifelong covenant where each party is loved with boundless grace and with spiritual sanctification as their ultimate prize.
If you’re reading this as an engaged or single person, I encourage you to abstain from sex until you’re married for the above reasons. Two adults who have sex outside of marriage should not expect to experience the fullness of joy available—even if they’re on track for marriage. Premarital sex is a sin, and like all sin, it dishonors God and robs us of the complete joy he adamantly desires for us. If you’ve already had sex outside of marriage, you need only turn to Jesus and earnestly repent. God’s grace is sufficient to redeem your married sex life so it reflects his desire, fulfills his purposes, and maximizes your joy.
Additionally, any activity that breaks the exclusivity of sex in marriage should be avidly avoided. We’ve been asked if viewing pornography with your spouse as a means for sexual arousal is acceptable, and our answer is always a resounding no. Pornography is a perversion of God’s design, and bringing it into your marriage—or any aspect of your life—is never acceptable.
The Purity of Sex: Let Your Fountain Be Blessed
Many couples have asked us about what’s permissible in the bedroom. What’s okay and what’s off-limits? You may have wondered the same; I know we have. Such questions are natural. It’s common for one spouse to feel more adventurous in bed than the other spouse. This can lead to frustration, anxiety, and even shame if it’s not addressed with love and discernment.
Much of the confusion about what’s allowed during sex is due to our cultural context. Cultural perversions—distortions—of sexuality can lead to unhealthy expectations toward each other, discontentment, and shame. The clearest example is pornography, which has distorted many people’s views about what they will experience—what they should experience—with their spouse during intimacy.
As disciples of Christ, we must remain watchful and seek clarity and unity in the bedroom. We must guard our wells and keep them pure by allowing the gospel to transform our minds, motivate our agendas, and inform the sexual experience. While no single biblical text gives us a list of sexual dos and don’ts, Scripture provides many examples of selfless love that help us discern what’s good, pure, and wise for building intimacy.
Hebrews 13:4 instructs us to “let the marriage bed be undefiled”—set apart, different, special. In other words, even within marriage, we must keep sex holy if it is to fulfill the purposes for which it was designed.
Let’s take a broader view. If the ultimate purpose of marriage is to reflect the covenant love between Christ and the church, and if sexual intimacy is a physical expression of that unifying love between spouses, then everything about sex should align with the attitudes of love. Love and purity go hand in hand. Love wouldn’t encourage another to sin, love wouldn’t ask the other to perform degrading or painful acts, and love wouldn’t breach the exclusivity and sanctity of the marriage bed. Love wouldn’t ask another to violate their conscience. Lust, on the other hand, would.
To further contrast, consider these comparisons of love versus lust:
One need only read 1 Corinthians 13 to see the characteristics of love clearly defined. Love is patient, gentle, kind, selfless, and “does not insist on its own way” (1 Cor. 13:5). Some sexual acts, while permissible according to Scripture, may not be beneficial because they are motivated by selfishness. Even permissible acts become degrading if one spouse is coercing or forcing the other to perform them. Selfishness spoils true intimacy every time.
The key to maintaining purity in intimacy is to nurture a right view of sex and emphasize its role in fulfilling God’s purposes for your marriage: to bind you as one flesh spiritually and physically, and to reflect the gospel. Any act that exhibits and reinforces selfless, covenant love is permissible during sex, and any act that contradicts it is not.
The details are best left up to you and your spouse.
The Passion of Sex: Be Intoxicated Always in Her Love
The place and purity of your sexual relationship set the stage for the main act: passion. In the final verse of the passage above, Solomon suddenly drops the metaphor and shifts his language in dramatic fashion. You can feel the momentum build as his passion mounts: “Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love” (Prov. 5:19). His abruptness should invite questions in us. Why is intoxication the next natural step after drinking of “your own well”? In one verse he’s talking about fountains, and the next, breasts? Talk about cutting to the chase. Why is that?
Throughout Scripture, nakedness usually refers to shame, disgrace, and judgment (Gen. 3:7; Isa. 47:3; Lam. 1:8), but not here. Here, in this place (marriage), with this intent (pure motivations), nakedness only emboldens lovers. It enlivens and liberates them. It is as if they are finally free of their restraints; at last they’re allowed to drink deep of their well and revel in its purity until they’re utterly satisfied. The Song of Solomon is rife with vivid dialogue and imagery where the young lovers are naked, unashamed, and lost in passionate pursuit. God created sex to be a passionate exchange. Nothing about it is shocking to him.
Selena and I were both virgins on our wedding night. We always knew we wanted to save sex for the day we were married, but it wasn’t easy. To be honest, our desire to have sex was one of the main reasons we got married at twenty and twenty-one years old. It was a constant, losing battle, so I sold my car and bought a ring (no joke). Had we been able to restrain ourselves, we would have probably finished college first and saved ourselves some heartache! However, our hormone-fueled passion was a leviathan on a leash made of twine. It was only a matter of time until it broke loose.
We struggled for years to keep our physical passion on hold, and I can’t lie: it was horrible. Just the worst. While we got married as virgins, we had plenty of moments when we went further than we should have. Our passion often got the better of us, and it was always accompanied by regret, guilt, and shame. We knew in our hearts that anywhere outside the covenant of marriage wasn’t the right place to indulge in sexual intimacy. We always had to hold back. I can’t tell you how many times I abruptly got up off the couch and just left without saying a word. No matter how passionate our make-out sessions got, it never felt right. At least, not until our wedding night. That night, that night. Well, wow.
I honestly don’t know how to describe it. It was as if in a single moment, God lifted the Hoover Dam from its footings and the full force of the Colorado River burst forth. Our passion had a place. The leviathan had been unleashed. Nothing could stop it, and nothing should. It was right and good—finally! We were at last within God’s design, free to be naked and unashamed, to touch each other without guilt, to drink deep of our well in its right place and with the purity God desired. Now, don’t get me wrong; we were both very naïve about sex. We had lots to learn about loving each other well in a brand-new way. So we soberly resolved to practice as much possible. It was the least we could do.
Learning to Love . . . in Bed
You’re never more vulnerable than when you’re naked and close to each other. All of your imperfections are on display. When you’re naked physically together, you both have opportunities to love and be loved as you are. Vulnerability is good and worth pursuing in this context, but it can also create confusion and cause frustration. You’re both sinners saved by grace. The same grace is necessary as you learn to love each other sexually. It’s a journey, your journey, and it will take time to learn how to navigate.
Covenant marriage provides the perfect context for sexual expression and exploration, but sometimes you need help. That’s okay. If you feel like your sex life isn’t all you’d hoped for, take a deep breath and relax. You’re not the first and you won’t be the last. You have a lifetime to figure each other out. Sex will get better as you learn your spouse and their desires. This is the amazing relief of God’s design for marriage: you have the same person to love for your entire life. You get to grow in your intimacy with each other emotionally, spiritually, and sexually.
Sex can be a tough topic, and we don’t mean to paint with too broad a brush. However, in our years of helping married couples, we’ve realized thematic pain points that affect most couples. The ability to be vulnerable, asymmetrical desire, communication, and expectations all play roles in intimacy. It can take years of work and counseling to resolve deep sexual problems and root out their causes. Nothing will replace godly counsel and gospel-centered community to help you heal and grow; be sure to seek out both.
So far we’ve discussed God’s design for sex, explored its purposes, and outlined its parameters. By now you’ve hopefully gained an understanding of underlying principles that should fuel behavior. With that understanding, we can now explore healthy, practical ways to improve your sex life as a married couple. Here are some ideas and tools to help you venture further together and kindle a mutually honoring, healthy, and passionate sex life. Selena will start by discussing a topic she’s grown in personally: sexual vulnerability.
SELENA
I am so incredibly thankful for my husband’s perspective on sex and intimacy both now and before we got married. We fought fiercely to save sex for our wedding night, and when it finally arrived, I was woefully naïve. We both were. My expectations were met in ways I didn’t anticipate, and overall I’d say our honeymoon was a great experience. But if I were to compare our sex life then to now, it’s only gotten richer over time as we’ve learned to love each other more completely and with greater vulnerability.
As Ryan mentioned, sex is so much more than a physical experience, but that wasn’t the perspective I brought into our marriage. There were many times early on when I thought, This is it? This is sex; this is what Ryan and I will do for years to come. I had no idea the depth and beauty that existed in the physical act of sex. It wasn’t until I began to understand the gospel that I began to grasp the roles of sex beyond the physical.
My perspective of sex and intimacy was limited by deep personal fears that made it difficult for me to be fully known and fully loved by my husband. Namely, I came from a divorced home. I grew up trying to mask myself and compensate for my broken family. My mom is amazing, and she’s done so much with so little, but money was always a struggle. I also feared whenever friends would ask about my dad. What would I say? He wasn’t around as often as I made it seem. I was afraid of rejection because of my lack. I spent my teenage years building an elaborate façade so people would accept me. I didn’t realize it, but I carried this same fear of rejection into our marriage. My fear kept Ryan at arm’s length, especially in the bedroom.
Everything changed when I experienced real, unconditional love for the first time through my good friend Rachel. I had sinned against her. She did something I disapproved of, and instead of going to her, I judged her behind her back—vocally, to other people. (It pains me to write this.) Rachel found out somehow and we were confronted with this awkward moment when I knew I needed to repent and apologize. I assumed we’d go through the motions of forgiveness, but ultimately, I’d lose a friend. Thankfully, I was wrong.
After I apologized and asked for forgiveness, Rachel graciously and generously spoke these words that changed my heart forever: “Oh, Sel, there’s nothing we can’t get through.” Her reply was like water to my parched soul. Her confident resolve in our friendship blew my mind. How could she be so honest and transparent? I had hurt her and let her down. She had no reason to continue our friendship—she had seen my ugly. Metaphorically speaking, I was standing there “naked” with all my sin showing, and she lovingly showed me Jesus in return.
Right then, I realized that my fear of vulnerability had only kept me alone and shallow; it didn’t keep me safe like I thought. Hiding only hinders intimacy, but vulnerability met with gospel-motivated love always produces confident closeness.
Intimacy in marriage is a glimpse of the type of vulnerability available in Christ. When you’re exposed and naked with your spouse physically, it is a symbol of the reciprocal vulnerability you are called to experience on every level. I’ve since learned to embrace vulnerability in sex. If we settle for anything short of total exposure, we risk missing out on the freedom, security, and joy available to marriages built on Christ.
RYAN
Vulnerability is a necessity during intimacy, but what if you don’t desire sex equally? What if there aren’t enough opportunities for sexual vulnerability? This part’s for you.
Selena and I don’t naturally have the same appetite for sex. Few couples do. Maybe you’re in the minority of couples who share identical sex drives, and if so—congratulations! I say that with sincerity; you’re blessed in a very unique way. If you don’t share the same desire for sex, we know your pain. I’ll call this asymmetrical desire: where one spouse naturally wants more sex than the other.
Our asymmetrical desire for sex grew into resentment between us. Not just frustration, resentment. I brought expectations into our marriage that neither of us knew existed until years in. I’d often feel neglected and deprived if we didn’t have sex when I expected it, which led to emotional bitterness and an eventual shutdown of communication. Selena felt obligated to give me sex (which decimates intimacy), and it caused her to build walls and keep me at an emotional arm’s length. To make matters worse, her fear of disappointing me was exacerbated by my sexual frustration. It was a relentless cycle that went on for years. She felt like a bad wife, and I felt like an unlovable, unwanted husband. Sex had become a huge, festering issue in our marriage, and instead of building intimacy between us it was driving us further and further apart.
Lights On, Windows and Doors Wide Open
That went on until my friend Shawn showed me how to live with radical transparency. One day, while we were hiking, he explained to me how freedom and integrity are readily available to those who hide nothing—or, as he puts it, those who live with “lights on, windows and doors wide open.” It wasn’t just an idea for Shawn; he actually lived this way and it was obvious. It was also ridiculous. I thought, How can I possibly live like that? But I knew I wanted—I needed—what he had. Selena and I needed to live transparently. I needed to be guided by integrity and root out destructive duplicity in our marriage (Prov. 11:3 NIV).
That was when Selena and I learned the power of truly honest conversations and began having them. As a result, we began to heal. We talked about our struggles. I repented of lust rooted in bitterness, she repented of being driven by fear, and we articulated for the first time a path toward intentional intimacy. Just by talking we were able to align our expectations, live more transparently, meet each other in the middle, and, in turn, begin experiencing deeper intimacy. Christ guided us every step of the way as we pressed into our identities in him. We are both sinners saved by grace; how could we expect each other to be perfect? Only Christ is perfect, but in him we finally found the freedom to hide no longer—to be honest and vulnerable with one another, to forgive, and to pursue each other despite our imperfections just as he has loved and pursued us (Rom. 5:8).
Perhaps the most valuable outcome of living and communicating transparently is that neither of us had to guess what the other was thinking; we needed only to ask. I made Selena a simple promise that forever changed our communication: she could ask me anything, and I would never lie or sugarcoat the truth. This was the first step toward rebuilding trust and vulnerability between us.
Throughout our reconciliation and repenting, we shared countless words, big tears, long silences, and prayers. Our newfound transparency opened fresh opportunities for intimacy. Every topic was fair game; every concern, frustration, joy, shameful moment, and random thought was worthy of conversation. Slowly, our communication was revolutionized as God continued working in our hearts. We could now discuss our expectations and diffuse frustration without running the emotional minefield or risking a heated argument. We cleared the air, and unity was our common objective. Our expectations were finally out in the open and they began to align as we sought to love and know each other more intentionally.
I love talking with young engaged couples. I enjoy the unabashed enthusiasm and bravado with which they approach their impending sex lives together. We’ve often shared our story with them, not to taper or lessen their expectations for sex but rather to help them gain agreement and enter their own marriage with both eyes wide open. Here’s the reality: married sex has more potential for passion than you ever imagined but it will require more intentionality than you ever anticipated.
Every couple brings to their marriage a mixed bag of sexual expectations. Most expectations fall into one of three buckets: sex’s role, importance, and ability to fulfill needs; its frequency, or how often they will have it; and what the sexual experience will entail. Candid conversations are necessary to address and align your expectations in each area. Have them! Below are three tools we’ve found illuminating and helpful for starting honest conversations about expectations and sex.
We’ve spent the bulk of this chapter discussing God’s design and purposes for sex. Indeed, it is a profound blessing and responsibility! However, it’s good to nuance our understanding at this point in the conversation. Fulfilling sex in marriage is not an end in itself to be pursued; it is a result of a loving covenant and deep spiritual intimacy. If we place too much weight on the importance of sex as an end to be pursued itself, we create an idol that can (and will) fail. When you struggle to connect sexually, it can feel like your relationship is falling apart. In reality, the act of sex represents a small fraction of your life together.
Scott Kedersha, a marriage pastor in Texas, shared an interesting insight with me. He has spent years counseling, teaching, and mentoring countless couples before and during marriage. He told me that the average couple spends just 0.625 percent of their married lives having sex. I was shocked to hear such a low number, but after breaking it down, it makes sense. According to Scott, the average couple has sex about six times per month. If each session lasts forty-five minutes, they will spend a total of 270 minutes, or four and a half hours, having sex every thirty days. That sounds like a significant amount, but as the average month has 720 hours, its magnitude is quickly put in perspective.
Again, that’s an average amount. You could be on either side of that number, but the point remains: the activity of sex represents a small fraction of your married life together. I say this not to diminish the value of sexual intimacy (this whole chapter is devoted to saying otherwise) but rather to help provide perspective. Marriage is a vast, complex endeavor. Your sexual experience is an indicator of something greater than just sex itself. It’s like a highlight reel. Your sex life will evolve as your spiritual and emotional intimacy grows, and that’s a good thing. It’s important not to lose heart if and when sexual frustration sets in and to remember that you can and will persevere through dry spells.
Sex is important but it isn’t everything. It’s a small part of the larger picture, so if you’re feeling frustrated you are free to relax in the knowledge that you’re both constant works in progress. Focus on pursuing each other’s hearts and souls. Press through and talk. Let your soul-intimacy set the stage for your sexual experience, and guard against allowing the activity of sex to hinder your intimacy outside the bedroom.
One of our candid conversations has produced what we call “the spectrum of sex.” We realized that we have different modes of sexual intimacy. Sometimes it’s fast and functional, other times it’s slow and rapturous. It’s like comparing a Ferrari to a freight train. The Ferrari is fast and flashy; it travels from A to B as quickly as possible and can stop on a dime. A freight train takes much longer to gain momentum and reach its final destination, and once it gets going, good luck stopping it!
We’ve discovered that it’s helpful to get on the same page as quickly as possible by identifying what mode of sex we’re shooting for—or where we’re at on the spectrum at that moment. Life is busy, Selena chases our kids around the house, and there are countless items on both our to-do lists. Those are great times to take the Ferrari for a spin. Other times, we plan. We book a trip, if you will. We drop the kids off at their grandparents’ house, schedule dinner, talk, laugh, and go for a long ride on the evening train . . . if you catch my drift.
Prior to understanding our spectrum of sex, we would often miss each other’s expectations, and our attempts at intimacy would end in an argument. Now we have a fast way to articulate our individual expectations. If ever they’re not aligned, we talk through it and find a healthy compromise.
By candidly discussing your expectations in the moment you can quickly get on the same page. Do you have a spectrum of sex in your marriage? Find conversation primers that work for you, and in all things, communicate.
FIND YOUR RHYTHM (NO PUN INTENDED)
Many couples ask us how often they should be having sex to stay healthy. It would be unwise to prescribe or recommend that you have sex every so-and-so number of days, or X number of times per week. No two couples are the same. I encourage you to honestly discuss your individual sexual needs. About how long does it take for each of you to begin desiring sex after you’ve had it? How often do you need the full “freight train” experience and how often will the Ferrari suffice? What are your physiological needs as a man or as a woman? What has worked best for your relationship in the past? What’s realistic given your current stage in life?
Selena and I have discovered that we need a certain amount of sex to keep us connected and functioning in unity. After years of trial and error, we’ve arrived at two to three times per week as our optimal frequency. Having this rough figure in mind helps us in various ways.
First, it creates a natural life rhythm that indicates to us both when we’re due for some intimate time. Doing so removes surprise and mystery from the equation. She’s never surprised when day three rolls around, and I’m rarely wondering when it will be a good time to put out the vibe. Both of us enjoy the predictability, albeit for different reasons.
Second, knowing our rhythm helps us take better advantage of opportunities when they arise. It sounds counterintuitive, but we’re actually more spontaneous now that we have a target frequency in mind. Having young children can make maintaining a healthy sex life exceedingly difficult. In daily life there might be an unexpected thirty-minute period when both kids are napping and we’re working on something. We’ve found ourselves in those moments when we both simultaneously look over our laptop screens at each other and signal with our eyes, Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Off we go! Totally unexpected. The same is true if we’re headed into a busy few days or if one of us is headed out of town. We know that if a trip will last more than a few days, it’s healthiest for us to make time for sex just before leaving and immediately upon returning.
The goal behind finding your ideal rhythm and frequency is to align your expectations and make each other a priority. It also clearly delineates when you and your spouse are likely to need sex both physiologically and emotionally. Having a mutual understanding will help you apply Paul’s instructions to Corinthian husbands and wives:
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Cor. 7:5)
Sexual deprivation is never ideal unless it’s intentional and agreed upon. Paul understood that couples need regular access to each other. The same is still true today. Selena and I have unwittingly deprived each other of sex in the past just by having misaligned expectations. Seek agreement in your expectations by finding the frequency and modes that work best for you.
Go Forth in Freedom
Sex is an awesome gift and a rich blessing, one crafted in the hands of God himself. It’s a holy endeavor worthy of your attention, time, and effort. Sex is designed by God for his purposes, your enjoyment, and, ultimately, his glory.
Passionate sex is a natural byproduct of intimacy on every level. But the most fulfilling passion is only possible in full light of God’s purposes for sex, in the right place, and with love-fueled purity. In the proper context, your nakedness is without shame and your passion is without restraint. A fire set in the wild will scorch entire forests, but fire kindled on the hearth of your home will burn with life-giving warmth. If the parameters of place and purity are present, let your passion run free. Have fun, enjoy yourselves, and, in doing so, honor God well.
FOR REFLECTION