I held out the letter. “I got in.”
“You got in where?” Andrew took the letter and skimmed over it. “Melbourne Arts College?” His face broke into a smile. “God Abby, that’s fantastic!” He ushered me inside. “Your parents are letting you go all the way to Melbourne?”
“Not exactly,” I admitted. “Dad signed to let me send them an audition tape. He wasn’t happy about it, but he finally backed down. The College is taking me for year twelve on full scholarship. My parents don’t need to like it. I can do it without them.”
Andrew tossed the letter on the bench and kissed my cheek. “Congratulations. I always knew you’d do it.” He threw open the fridge door. “Grab me two glasses from the cabinet,” he said, his head buried between a watermelon and a carton of skinny milk. He pulled out a half empty wine bottle and I handed him the glasses. “I don’t have any champagne on hand. This’ll have to do.”
He handed me the wine and clinked his glass against mine.
“I haven’t even told my parents I’m going,” I said. “There’s going to be hell when Mum finds out Dad signed the permission form.”
The guilt had almost outweighed my happiness.
“Please, Dad,” I sniffed. “Just sign it. Just let me audition. I can’t stand it here anymore.” I knew he couldn’t bear to see me cry. “She’s right, you know. You are gutless. If you really loved me you would have done this years ago.”
I wasn’t proud. Just desperate.
Andrew sat opposite me on the couch, plucking a chunk of Lego out from underneath the cushion. “What are you going to tell them?”
I shrugged. “Does it matter? I’ve got a scholarship. I don’t need them.”
He gave me a short smile. “I don’t want to get you down, Abs, but what happens when the scholarship ends? Will you be able to work enough to support yourself and fit in the hours of practice?”
“I’ll do whatever I have to do,” I said. “Anything. I’m so excited. You have no idea.”
He returned my smile. “You’re making me jealous!” He bent the legs of the Lego man between his fingers. “Why did you apply for a school in Melbourne? Why not Brisbane?”
I tilted my glass so the shiny yellow liquid ran up the sides. “I wanted to get a long way away from here.”
“Fair enough,” he said. “You know Hayley’s sister lives in Melbourne. I’m sure she’ll help you out if you need anything.”
I nodded appreciatively.
“I’ll really miss you,” he said. “I’m going to have to jam with that ranga kid now!”
I laughed. “It’s only for a year.”
He raised his eyebrows. “You know students from the College are pretty much guaranteed a place at the Melbourne Conservatorium when they finish school.”
I flashed a smile. “Yeah. But I’m trying not to get too far ahead of myself.”
“I’m so glad you will finally get a proper violin teacher,” said Andrew. “I’ve been giving myself blisters trying to keep up with you!”
I looked over the coffee table to catch his eye. “Do you know how much I have learnt from you?”
“Abby, that’s sweet, but-”
“But nothing,” I pushed. “Do you know how much you inspire me? You have given me so much. You gave me the passion to get out of here and do something with my life.”
Andrew shook his head. “I didn’t give you that, Abs. You had that already.”
I felt someone grab my backpack as I left the school gates a few days later. I whirled around in surprise. My heart leapt into my throat.
“Hey,” Justin smiled.
I began to walk faster. He jogged to keep up.
“Rach told me you’re moving to Melbourne.”
I nodded, eyes down.
“For the music thing?”
“Yeah,” I said darkly. We paced along the beach path in silence. I swatted a fly away from my face.
Justin’s voice sparked. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I stopped and spun around to face him. He was closer than I expected and I could see the green flecks in his eyes. I stepped back hurriedly.
“Why didn’t I tell you?” I repeated. “Why should I tell you anything? I never want to speak to you again!”
He reached for my bare forearm, but I pulled away.
“Come on Abby…”
“Get away from me.” I dashed down the footpath.
“Abby, please. Just stop running. I’m sorry about what I did.” He grabbed my bag to stop me. I sighed and turned to him, arms folded across my chest.
“I broke up with Mia,” said Justin.
I laughed loudly and started striding again. The first of the Christmas tourists had begun to arrive and looked up from the beach showers as Justin chased me across the grass.
“You really are something. You think you can come crawling back just because that girl gave you the arse?”
He stopped walking. “I broke it off. For you.”
“And I’m supposed to care? After what you did to me?”
He dug his hands into his pockets and scuffed the grass. “I guess not. But when I heard you were going away I had to do something. I’m sorry, Abby. I really am.”
I marched away and left him alone on the grass.
“Abby,” he called breathlessly. “I’ll miss you like hell.”
I paused. As much as I hated to admit it, I knew part of me would miss him like hell too. I lifted my chin and began to stride home without turning again. What reason did I have to look back? I was about to get everything I had always wanted in the world I’d always imagined. A world that didn’t include Justin. B.F.F.
“She kicked me out of the house,” said Nick. He stared past me into the windows of his car. His eyes were glazed over like pools of blue ice. “She’s making me live in the caravans. Won’t let me inside.”
I lowered my school bag and reached for Nick’s arm. He jerked away.
“Don’t touch me!” He snatched his keys out of his pocket and threw open the car door. I felt my stomach churn, scared of what he might do. I leapt into the passenger seat.
Nick glared into the dashboard. “Get out.”
I didn’t move.
“Get out, Abby! I mean it!”
“No. I’m not leaving you on your own.” I locked my door. Nick sped out of the drive, leaving a cloud of yellow dust. He roared out of town and onto the highway. I could see the speedo climbing; a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty... My heart sped. For a second I thought Nick might crash on purpose. A blaze of fear shot into my throat. I snatched his arm. He swerved onto the side of the road and we flew through the gravel. I clung to the door handle. The car jerked to a stop beside a gum tree. Gasping, I closed my eyes. Silence hung inside the car and a blowfly tapped against the window. Finally, I followed Nick out into the paddock beside the road.
“I hate her!” he cried, pounding his fist into the bonnet. I fucking hate her! I swear!” He kicked the front tyre. “I hate all this shit!”
I stood motionless, watching him pace wildly through the dust. The blowfly buzzed in my ear and flitted against my cheek. I could feel the heat closing in around me. Finally, I reached out and took Nick’s elbow. He stopped pacing.
“I hate her,” he repeated, stumbling back to the car and leaning against the bonnet. I sat beside him in silence, listening to his heavy breathing. A truck roared past and tooted its horn. I watched a trail of bull-ants winding towards the tree.
“Were you going to crash?” I asked. “Is that why you didn’t want me in the car?”
Nick closed his eyes. “I don’t know.”
I rested my head against his shoulder. I could feel his arm rise and fall as he breathed.
“I have to get away from her,” he said. “But I got no way to do it.”
“You’re really that broke? You can’t even afford somewhere crappy?”
“I’ve got nothing,” he grunted. “It goes.”
I drew in my breath. “It’s not just pot, is it.”
Nick rubbed his eyes. “Smack,” he mumbled. “Heroin.”
I stared at him. “Jesus. You idiot. You stupid fucking idiot.”
Nick said nothing. He kicked at a clump of grass until it dislodged from the ground.
“Nick,” I mumbled. “For God’s sake, get yourself off it. Apart from all the other reasons, think of all the money you’d save.”
“Abby-”
“I sound like her, I know. It’s just… I’m right about this.”
Nick stood up and wandered away from the car, shooing a bug off his face. “Just stay out of it. I don’t want you involved in all my mess.”
“Yeah well I am involved. And I want to help you. What can I do? Just tell me.”
“Abby, please. Don’t. You wouldn’t understand.” He sighed and rubbed the pale brown bristles on his chin. “What if I don’t want to get clean?”
Perspiration dampened his forehead and the back of his t-shirt. A crow flew over our heads. I could hear the beating of its wings. Nick spoke up finally in a monotone voice.
“You know how much this place kills me.”
I jumped off the bonnet. “I hate it too! But you don’t see me turning into some desperate junkie, do you?” I regretted the words as soon as they had come out of my mouth. Nick glared at me, his eyes flashing like there was a fire behind them.
“Well then I guess I’m just worthless compared to you, aren’t I.” He threw open the car door and slumped into the driver’s seat. I stumbled backwards, expecting him to drive away, but he sat motionless, the engine idling. I slipped into the passenger seat. Nick’s brown hands clutched the steering wheel, eyes gazing through the windscreen at the flat green landscape.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean that.”
“I am worthless,” he mumbled. “And I am a desperate junkie. I just wish you hadn’t had to see it, Abby.” His voice was hoarse. “I remember when you used to look up to me. Like there’s anything to look up to now.”
I stared into my hands. Nick clicked off the ignition and the empty silence returned. He rubbed the dark shadows under his eyes.
“Just tell me something,” I said. “Do you take it because you like it, or to get back at Sarah? Because if it’s to get back at her, then it’s a really stupid way to do it.” My voice began to rise. “Did you ever think that it could kill you?”
“Yeah,” said Nick. “I thought that heaps of times.”
I felt a sharp pain at the back of my throat. I lunged over the handbrake and threw my arms around his neck. My eyes overflowed with tears. Nick sat motionless.
“Jesus,” he said. “I didn’t think you were going to cry.”
I felt his arms slide around my waist. I could smell his cigarettes and saltwater in his hair. It reminded me of being a child again and of being carried on his shoulders in the rock pool; of all the times when I had looked up to him.
“Come on,” he said finally, pushing me gently back to my side of the car. “It’s alright.”
“It’s not alright!”
Nick sighed and wound down the window. Damp air wafted inside.
“Look,” he said. “I tried to get off it before, okay. Really. I tried heaps of times. But I couldn’t. Getting high is the only way I can deal with all this.” He picked at the peeling buttons on the cassette player. “You’ve got your violin and your music and stuff, but I got nothing like that. This is all I got. It makes it bearable.”
I watched him dumbly, tears falling off my face onto the frayed seat cover. “You can’t live like that. That’s not a life!”
“You think I don’t know that?” His voice wobbled and he covered his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. I froze. I had never seen my brother cry. Cautiously, I touched his shoulder.
“Get some help, Nick,” I begged. “Please. You could save up and get out of here.”
He forced a short smile. His eyes were glistening. “And go where?”
“Anywhere! Get away from Sarah! Get away from the farm! That’s where you’re getting all the smack from, isn’t it?”
“You talk like it’s so bloody simple.” He leant back in his seat and closed his eyes, to make it clear the conversation was over. The back of my head ached. I needed water.
“I’m moving to Melbourne,” I said finally. “I got a scholarship for the Arts College.”
Nick turned to me, his eyebrows knitted. “You serious?”
“I’m sorry, Nick. I’m so sorry.”
He shook his head. “Don’t be.” He puffed out his breath and turned the ignition. “Jesus. I am so happy for you. I am so fucking happy for you.”