Dee’s walks were fast becoming a regular fixture in her day. Maybe she should get herself a puppy, or suggest she could take the housekeeper’s dog out for her, give herself an additional reason to be out and about. But Dee supposed she didn’t need an excuse. There wasn’t any need for her to justify the way she spent her time, not any longer. She needed to remind herself that the shadow had lifted and the door to her cage had been left ajar.
The snow would come soon enough, limiting her stomping ground for the winter months. Before it began to fall, Dee was determined to enjoy the fresh air and the weak but welcome sunshine, to take in the beauty of the Scottish hills. To hike all the way up to the waterfall for no other reason than to stand and breathe in the day.
She’d been frustrated by the downpour the previous day, had been forced to postpone until the skies looked clearer, so by the time she left the house this morning she was desperate to just get going. She didn’t want to have to worry about getting a dog ready for a walk.
And, also, Dee reasoned, if she had a dog with her she would spend more time worrying about it than enjoying the view. She’d likely see far less in the way of wildlife. With a dog crashing around, any birds sheltering in the heather or gorse bushes would be gone, and the deer wouldn’t come close. Sometimes, if she got her timings right, Dee was able to watch a huge red kite as it circled high above, on the prowl for carrion, or maybe looking out for a vole to take back to its perch.
This morning, she was watching it wheeling around with such concentration that she didn’t hear Robbie approach, was unaware of his presence until he was at her shoulder.
‘Good morning to you, Your Ladyship,’ he said as Dee startled and turned.
‘Where did you spring from?’ Dee stuttered, hand clutching unconsciously at the blue scarf wound around her neck as shock gave way to amusement at her own reaction. She smiled with relief. ‘I thought I was the only person for miles around.’
‘Just how I like it, too,’ he said. ‘I’m taking a walk around, checking for anything untoward.’
‘No dogs with you today?’ It was stating the obvious, but it seemed unusual to see Robbie without them.
‘Not today, much to their disgust,’ he said, his eyes sparkling as he studied her. ‘Does it help, being up here?’ he asked.
‘Help?’
‘Coming to terms with your loss, I mean,’ he added, his eyebrows furrowing as he spoke.
Perhaps he thought he’d asked too personal a question. But it was beginning to occur to Dee that all the losses had come before. And that now there would be no more loss. Only gain. Dee nodded, drawing in a breath before she replied. ‘Yes. There’s so much beauty up here.’
‘There is, that’s true enough.’
His reply was quiet, and when Dee went to point out the red kite, she was confused to see him staring at her, not at the scenery.
‘Up there,’ she said. ‘Can you see it?’
‘Aye, I’ve seen the bird.’
‘But you’re not looking at it,’ she said, annoyed that he wasn’t taking note of the majestic wing-span, the way the bird used the currents of air to move with what appeared to be minimal effort. How glorious it must be to have that feeling of freedom, to simply tilt its tail feathers and head off in a completely new direction.
Robbie smiled, tipping his face to the blue, following the line of her pointing finger.
‘Magnificent,’ Dee said, her gaze now on his profile, hoping her word still referred to the bird.
‘I was planning on jumping the river on my way home,’ Robbie said, concentration still skywards.
‘I’m sorry, you’re going to do what?’ After a comment like that, she felt she could stare legitimately at him, waiting for some clarity about what he was talking about. ‘The river is too wide, surely?’
He glanced at her, and their gazes locked. Then he shook his head. ‘I didn’t mean literally jump it. There are a series of rocks, if you know where to look. You can get from one to the next and then across. It’s fun.’
Fun. Dee wasn’t sure when she’d last done anything fun. The quizzical expression must have shown, because his smile broadened and he became emboldened.
‘Would you like to join me?’ An eyebrow cocked. ‘I won’t tell if you don’t.’
The base of Dee’s stomach did something it hadn’t done in a very long time, knotting in a way which wasn’t anxiety, or disappointment, or disgust. It knotted in a place reserved for a very different feeling. After everything she’d put Robbie through, it seemed too much to expect him to forgive her, and yet here he was, inviting her back into his world. Doing her best to retain a neutral expression, she nodded. ‘Why not.’
‘Very good,’ Robbie said, staring back up at the sky.
‘Let’s go, then,’ she said, impatient to get moving. Impatient to experience something unexpected, something she might enjoy. ‘You can’t promise me fun and then stand there doing nothing about it.’
Robbie laughed, a loud crackle of genuine amusement. ‘Come away with me, then,’ he said, leading the way down the path in the direction of the river.
He moved quickly, and Dee had to hustle to keep up. If anything, she enjoyed the pace. It didn’t give her time to ponder what she was doing or think about the way her breathlessness at the speed of the walk almost hid the fact she didn’t seem to be able to manage more than shallow breaths anyway.
Abruptly, Robbie left the path and veered for the river, edging his way down through a series of boulders. Dee followed, the gorse bushes catching at her trousers, the remnants of some bramble pulling at the laces of her walking boots. By the time she’d adjusted them, Robbie was at the water’s edge.
‘Over here,’ Robbie said, all formality gone as he waved her over. ‘This is the first one.’
‘Are you sure it’s safe?’ she asked, side-eying him as she viewed what looked like a slippery, sloping rock with water bubbling around its edges.
‘Safe?’ He looked amused.
She tried to clarify her worry. ‘I don’t want to end up with a broken leg or something.’
‘You won’t.’ There was a strength to the way he gazed at her which gave Dee confidence, made her feel as though she was more than capable.
‘Anyway, nothing worth doing is totally safe, is it? And what’s wrong with a bit of adrenalin every now and again?’ Robbie said, then he smiled. ‘You’ll be totally fine, Dee, I promise. I’ll go first, then you can follow, stone by stone. That way if something goes wrong and I fall in, I get wet, and you get to laugh at me. How does that sound?’
His grin was so broad that Dee shrugged off the last vestiges of her concern. The cage door was ajar, remember? All she had to do was push on it and she could climb out.
Robbie made it look easy. He barely seemed to step out and then he was on the sloping boulder, surrounded by water. Dee still hadn’t left the shoreline when he jumped again, onto the next rock.
‘Come on,’ he called, gesturing for her to follow.
Dee dithered a while longer, slipping on the damp grass which led into the water. She could call out and tell him she’d changed her mind, turn and walk away. She didn’t have to do this. She didn’t have to do anything. Then Dee grinned as she realised she wanted to do this, and that for the first time in far too long she was also smiling because she wanted to. Smiling at the fact that Robbie was providing her with a way to escape the boundaries she’d been forced to inhabit. She was caught up in the moment, enveloped in a mix of the unfamiliar, a happy cocktail of adrenalin and excitement.
Dee’s whole life had been spent buttoned up tight. It had been laid out for her – a life blueprint, like they had for a building. But today was about nothing more than enjoying herself. There was no level of expectation attached to any of it, nobody to cast opinion on whether she was doing the right thing. Nobody cared. It was weirdly cathartic, standing on the edge of the river Kirk, judging how best to jump in.
She overdid her first leap, almost overshooting the boulder and squealing as she windmilled her arms to get her balance. Once she had herself under control, she looked up to see Robbie, whose expression of concern was giving way to another broad grin. He stayed put on his rock – it was broad and flat, large enough for both of them.
He held out a hand. ‘You’re doing really well.’
‘Am I?’ She laughed. ‘I think you’re flattering me, Robbie Keel.’ She jumped again, this time judging the distance better and landing neatly in front of him.
‘Well, maybe I was a bit,’ he said, turning to jump again. ‘But I’m eating my words, now. Let’s go.’
Like a proverbial mountain goat, he hopped across a series of three rocks and stopped again on a larger boulder, almost halfway across the stretch of water. She followed, almost slipping on a particularly slick stone, but recovering without incident.
He paused in the centre of the river, staring downstream. ‘This is possibly my favourite spot on the whole estate.’
‘Really?’ Dee was genuinely surprised. It wasn’t as though it was somewhere to linger for too long. If she’d had to guess, she would have assumed he would have preferred the view from the top of the hill, or the waterfall, or maybe a particularly beautiful spot in the village. The village was very picturesque, after all.
‘Yes. I can’t get here most of the time because I have the dogs with me. And it’s not accessible all year round – these rocks are all submerged when the river runs to capacity later in the winter. Making the effort to get here makes it special. There’s a chance that, in trying to get here, it could go wrong. There’s always the risk I could end up in the water.’
‘Now you tell me,’ Dee said, with a laugh.
‘Sometimes the best things are the ones which seem totally out of reach,’ Robbie said, his gaze resting on her a moment before he said, ‘But I don’t believe in giving up on what you really want, you know?’
Dee wasn’t sure she fully understood what he was getting at, didn’t know how to respond to Robbie’s words. They continued across, and the further she went, the more confident she felt about reaching the far side of the river. In fact, by the time she had to make her final leap, out onto the far bank, Dee was already feeling disappointment that it was over.
Then her foot slipped, and her disappointment evaporated, replaced instead by a burgeoning feeling of confusion as her forward momentum turned into sideways and downwards. Strong fingers clasped their way around her arm, jinking her away from the water and towards the safety of the riverbank. Robbie added his other hand, unceremoniously grabbing her waist as he hauled her out of the potential clutches of the icy water. He pulled them both backwards up the riverbank and stood, puffing with effort – or perhaps it was the shock, as Dee was also out of breath. His hand still encircled her wrist, his arm around her waist.
She waited for him to let her go, to step back to a more appropriate distance, but he didn’t. If anything, he did the opposite, pulling her more firmly against his body, squashing out what little breath she’d retained. And, instead of recoiling from his grasp, Dee found herself leaning into him – her body disclosing its true feelings on the matter, even as the logical side of her mind demanded she move away from him.
Dee stared up at him, at the weather-worn lines of his face, the concentrated expression and the way a muscle twitched in his jaw. She noticed that the salty grey in his hair was more concentrated where his hair was beginning to recede to the sides of his widow’s peak, that his eyes were a swirl of blue-green and that there was a small scar on his chin, almost invisible under a thin layer of stubble.
All she had to do was push open the cage …
She so nearly reached up, desperate to trace a path along his jaw-line with the very tips of her fingers, unable to ignore the shiver which passed through her at the thought. Then, as though the trance was broken, she pulled away.
‘What am I doing? I shouldn’t be having fun,’ she said, her voice small and uncertain. ‘I should be mourning my dead husband.’
‘Maybe,’ Robbie said, his voice soft and low, edged with gruffness as he added, ‘But I saw what he was like. I know how he was.’ He frowned, then added, almost too quietly for her to hear, ‘I understand why you did it, Dee.’
‘Did what?’
‘You know what. And while I know it was the only option open to you, I’ve missed your friendship. I’ve missed you, Dee. You know I have.’
‘Yes, well.’ Dee shook her head, extracting herself from the warmth of his words, unsure she was ready to forgive herself as easily as it seemed he was. A swirl of damp, cold air filled the space between them, and it began to drizzle with rain. ‘I can’t …’
‘I know. I’m sorry, I should never have … It’s just that I’ve wanted …’ Robbie drew in a sharp breath and looked away.
Wanted what? A large part of Dee was desperate for him to complete his sentence, but she wasn’t going to force him to say it. She had a feeling it might change everything.
A beat of time passed, an incredibly long beat in which Dee wanted to ignore propriety, to shake off a lifetime spent within a straitjacket and chase something which would be just for herself. She should say as much, right here, right now. Tell Robbie there was nothing she wanted more than to get back to where they’d been before Henry had pulled the rug out from underneath them both. And while Dee wasn’t naive enough to believe they would ever be more than friends, regardless of how attractive she might find Robbie, to rekindle the friendship ruined by Henry’s potent and dangerous jealousy would be something special. It would be enough.
She did her best to compose herself.
‘I should get back.’ she said.
‘There’s a wee bridge a bit further down. I’ll show you the way.’
‘You always have,’ she said, her words little more than a whisper.